
Many of us, myself included, come from a dysfunctional family which adds a lot of weight to the challenges of caregiving. I have read stores on various threads on other topics and decided it would be good to have a thread just for this topic for people to share, vent and discuss.
The idea for this thread originated on the thread named "The Caregiver....How are YOU doing today?"
book - amazon ca has an inflatable pillow.
There is one by the same maker as mine with contouring, which is advertised "for side sleepers." I thought about getting it, but I couldn't make sense of how the contouring would be better, or even work for me. Certainly the pic of the woman sleeping on it looks nothing like the way I sleep! I wonder if it might prevent the "sliding" issue, though?
https://www.amazon.ca/Avana-Contoured-Support-Pillow-Sleepers/dp/B016AW39JU/
bookluvr - I just checked and golden's right - here is the inflatable one on the Canadian Amazon site:
https://www.amazon.ca/ObboMed-Inflatable-Portable-Horizontal-Indention/dp/B0761MKNHX/
book - the one you have is a little lower.
I would use an extra pillow on top to get my neck right - normally don't have problems with it. Over the years with sinus infections often I have had to sleep with my head elevated due to the congestion. If I pile enough pillows, that works, but they slide around.
Think I will order the one dori has, Hopefully soon I can toss the extras. I don't think the thrift shop takes pillows. My sinuses are better in the daytime too, if I sleep with my head elevated.
Thankfully, I rarely have the acid reflux problem.
A hospital bed is also good as long as i can get three pillows. if I have to lie flat for a procedure i ask for a small rolled up towel and have the nurse just slip it under may neck which immediately relieves the pain.
Book try the hospital bed but you may need to buy a better quality mattress and not a waterproof one.
Pondering the follow up phone call re the change in mother. The nurse said that the doctor sees mother once a week and asks her three questions
Q1) "How are you?" A1) "Miserable."
Q2) "Are you sleeping well?" A2) "Yes".
Q3) "Do you have any bowel problems?" A3) "No."
Apparently they do not address the "Miserable" answer. I believe they would address the other two if the answers were in the negative.
However, mother looked fine a few days later, so either we caught her on a bad day - or - ( my suspicious mind from years of living with this dysfunctional family) my sister said something to upset mother. This is the pattern of a lifetime and normally what is said by sis puts me in a bad light and makes mother very upset at me. Sis was alone with mother in her bedroom before wheeling her out and mother looked unhappy and burst into tears when she saw me. This was such a contrast to the last time I saw mother. Oh well, we will never know.
Tired and a bit of a sore throat - no doubt from overdoing it by driving back and having two appointments the day after. I read a good explanation which is that with CFS/FM your immune cells get "tired" - run out of energy. Makes sense to me. Don't know how I am going to get the things done I need to do here, but but it will happen sooner or later.
Hope everyone is having a good weekend.
Golden, I have the same type issue when my mother and sister get together. I big attitude or dismissal from my mother after she and my sister spend time. I have wondered if its my imagination when I have noted changes toward me after those two are together. Even in her dementia it seems this week when my sister was home a few days. Those days I could do nothing for my mother. Just about every thing was dismaissed in a spirit of disdain. I think I am used to it and then when it happens its a hurt I thought Id gotten over. There are times I dont know if its dementia or her real self back to the surface. I am wishing you all the best as you pursue a new home. Your instincts are great as you give golden advice. And I am sure that Karma working on it with you all along.
Susan, I loved the scholastic book club also!! Always loved reading. Got into tv series with this Sh###box app so my reading fell down. But I read on the train to and from work or on long rides.
Dori I hope you enjoy you time for yourself. You deserve it.
So Monday was my mother's birthday and Friday I gave her a little party. The stress and the frustration was well worth seeing her smile and perk up. Her humor made me gut laugh. Wherea as before I didnt get it or thought it was corny. I felt so good. I thank God I was able to do it because many times was felling like I was in over my head. I had just started feeling more like my self wednesday and I was afraid for a moment overdoing it would set me back. But I had such a feeling of peace and contentment that I knew I did the right thing.
My friend helped me with the cooking and he kind of demanded I let my sister and nephews know. I was feeling like I do every year and every year they do not come so why waste my time doing same dumb thing. But I was glad I did. they didnt show. Saw oldest nephew the day before he said he was coming. Then Saturday he came by got a few burgers said he had to work friday. He is back in the neighborhood which is not good company for him. He is a blacksheep like me and he turned to the streets which is not an easy life. I used to be scared for him. Used to tell him about patients who knew the person who shot them or set them up. Usaually a good friend.
The weather was hot and muggy. It was nice and cool today with a little rain and it felt good to be cool and feel good.
I did a little grilling on saturday, I really should have done everything on sat. and grilled and not stressed myself cooking and frying fish.
I cocked my tail Friday and Saturday and really enjoyed myself for the first time in a long while.
I hope you all enjoy the weekend. Rays of Love, Peace and Happiness to all. Smile, smile smile.
Speaking of sis and mother, I had some satisfaction throwing out "family" portraits of me, my sis and mother, that mother had in her apartment. I have been taking photos out of their frames to give away the frames and eventually scan the photos, but there were a few that were hard to get out of the frames and I didn't want the photos anyway, so I just trashed them! Felt good.
Another condo has appeared on the market, no one has smoked in it and it is larger, which I prefer, so I guess I will take a look at it one of these days. I need to stay here for this week and get some things done, now that I have recovered from travelling.
Happy Memorial Day to all those who celebrate it.
I used to have an acid reflux problem in my 30s - doctor prescribed ranitidine. You can get it off the shelf now (Zantac). I wound up changing my diet a lot, so I rarely need it anymore, but I do still use it once in awhile. (What jerk came up with the idea to bread and deep fry delicious sticks of mozzarella cheese, anyway??)
I planned to have a weekend of cleaning but I've gotten nothing done except laundry and corralling the garbage so best guy friend can take it out. Oh and changed the cat litter. I did trade that complicated Bissell in for a vacuum AND a steam mop last week.....so basically I put them together today (finally) but then never did anything with them! Lol. At least they are ready to use.
I dunno what happens to me on the weekends. I just lose all my steam.
Oh, oh, oh! I did figure out why I don't seem to slide down the wedge like bookluvr does....I think....apparently I sleep with my head nearer to the middle of it, than up at the top.
Those that leave are they from mostly happy and content families and have support from them after a death? Is it those from dysfunction that stick around to receive support from people here that have become our "family" and to help others?
Enjoy Memorial Day all and take a few minutes of your day to honor our service members living and dead, especially those that paid the ultimate sacrifice. Without them we would be living very different lives. Remember the purpose of this day.
I don’t comment much on dysfunction because I look back and see all of the mistakes I made. I sure wouldn’t want to give that advice and contribute to someone else making the same mistakes I made.
I go to court on Thursday over the nutty lady. No idea what will happen. My stepson says I’ll win, but I’m not confident of that. Who knows? Even if I win it won’t cure my ongoing headaches.
I hope everyone has a nice day. PJ went to the cemetery on Saturday. A difficult visit for him. Keep cool!
MIL is our Last Parent Standing. That whole side of the family has a long history of rejecting good advice, making stupid decisions, twisting their woes into a victim story, then looking for a rescue.
Gotta keep my guard up. Sad but true.
Many people you feel you have been close to after a tragedy simple don't want to be around that person because it brings up so many bad memories.
My youngest daughter went through a bitter divorce as had her best friend, Best friend has come out the other side remarried and had another baby whereas DD is still fighting over child custody and support. BF told DD she just did not want to hear DD's difficulties because they brought back such bad memories for her. They have since drifted apart and rarely talk to each other. last time DD was in the area she did not even want to visit BF.
Some people I think join because they have a specific question and when they get the answer off they go. Then there are the Trolls--------------------
glad - I think you are right. We don't have support from family, and everyone needs support. Keep us updated on the "hole".
becky - I am sure what you share is helpful to others. We all make mistakes!!! Hope things go well for you on Thursday. Give PJ an extra hug - grief sucks.
blackhole - I hear you about mil outliving you. When I heard about sis's TIA I thought that it could have been a big one, and there is mother at 106 -never had even one! II well know looking for a rescue and then obstructing and bad mouthing anyone who comes close to help. Yes, you have to keep your guard up. I wonder what life will be like when (if) that ever is not the case. My moat is filled with alligators, and I often have the draw bridge up.
sharyn - some of us do go back a while. I, too, need support against dysfun family members. You never know when arrows will be sent your way. How is your bro doing?
cmag - your advice/wisdom is much appreciated
veronica - your story in itself is an encouragement to many, I am sure and you have much knowledge to share. People do drift apart after tragedies. They can't identify, or they do not want to be reminded. I am sorry about your youngest dd. I went through that with my dd.
I joined to get reinforced in distancing and detaching from my personality disordered mother and sister, this being particularly difficult as I am POA medical and financial for mother. I am so grateful for the support I received and still do. It has made a positive difference in my life. I also get to moan about the limitations and pains (in every sense) of my CFS/FM, share significant events, and get advice about managing challenges, of which there are many.
Missing posters - hope some of you check in once in a while.
Take care all and do something good for you.
But sometimes I just need a break from the forum. It’s not exactly the happiest place on earth.
Mom died in April. Folks here gave me tremendous support as I went through the whole move to care, the falls and her death. Dads still there in memory care doing pretty well for now. But he’s declining.
I can understand why people ditch the forum when the caregiving is over. When Dad dies I may bail also. I don’t know. But I’ll never forget how much this forum and the folks I met here have helped me the past few years. When this all started, I was the last man standing and a total lost ball in the tall grass.
Tornadoes yesterday came close, ten miles, interesting formations in the clouds.🌀 Flash flood watches, but nothing significant here. My gosh! The flooding in Maryland!
I am frustrated out of my mind. R and I filed a claim against the insurance co for their ineptitude and things not addressed. This morning I woke up feeling serene until I opened my email, and there was an item from the person who was the most inept - our adjuster. In four sentences, she made two mistakes. One was saying she understood my frustration, which I very much doubt as she has been a major cause of it, unless it is intentional which it may well be, and the second was writing a sentence that made no sense - "I have you replaced ..." a typo no doubt, but really!!! Can she get anything right??? I have referred it to R who deals well with such things, and am trying to get it off my mind - not too successfully. I need to research another insurance company.
Sent another 2 pair of black pants to mother and hope these work. They are on the large side, but hot washer and dryer should fix that. Better too large than too small. I will look for some summer tops when I next go downtown.
Have a good day everyone.
We are having thunder and lightening storms just about every evening for the last week. Sometimes it sounds like the thunder is right over our house and it stays for about 30 minutes before moving.
Have a good night.
I have been thinking a lot this week about how I've known this is probably going to end up being my decision....but now that we're getting closer I just feel like a kid, taking care of her sick mom, and who let me be the responsible one, anyway? I can't even keep my room tidy. Dunno if that makes sense.
Anyway, I've just been spending time with her, watching Grey's Anatomy now, which is one of her faves but I've never seen before. Haven't been online too much.
Did get back to swimming this week, though, so that's good. The BC Lions, our provincial pro football team, has their "training camp" in our city, and they're at the same place where we swim....so BFF and I have gotten to see lots of beautiful male bodies in swimsuits this week, anyway! Wish I could wear my glasses in the pool, lol....
sharyn -happy that your bro is on the list even if being so is confining. Amazing what they do with transplants today. We used to have a lot of thunder and lightning storms back home when I was a child. I loved them. We could use a good bit of rain here.
dori - sorry too hear about your mum's bad week. It sounds like she is getting near the end of the dialysis. What a tough position to be in - for both of you! Yes, it makes sense that this is a hard place to be in. The transition from being a child to your parent to being a parent to your parent is not an easy or natural one. It is good you are spending relaxing time with her. Swimming and etc is good!
Feeling like I can see the light at the end of the tunnel regarding tossing things. Still lots to do but I have ideas of what to do with the rest. There is a fair amount of stuff in the front hall for dd to take to the thrift ship. My energy levels etc. re CFS/FM really limit me. What would take a "normal" person 2 weeks to do probably would take me up to two months to accomplish. Aaargh!!! Don't like it. It means I can't expect to have this place ready in much under 3 months. The bank lady said that real estate is picking up here. That is good.
I am dealing with some grieving over leaving this house and the city, and leaving some family and familiar things behind - forty years and many significant life changes. I have never lived that long anywhere else. That, combined with sinus issues, I think due to dealing with stuff which has triggered allergies, has slowed me down. Oh well -plodding along...
Have a great day everyone. Do something good for you.
Glad - More progress!
Golden, Forty years is a long time and a lot of memories. I can’t imagine.
The decision with dialysis is a tough one Dori.
I’m scheduled for my aortic valve replacement Monday. Three or four days in CCU, then 7-10 days in hospital. Then 3-4 weeks inpatient rehab. Then 3 weeks outpatient rehab. After all of that I have to have bilateral femoral-popliteal artery bypasses and rehab. A fun summer ahead. I’ve loaded up my IPad with books. I have some cross stitch to work on. I check in Sunday at 4:30 and have surgery 4:00 Monday morning should last about 6 hours.
I’m having my hair cut short tomorrow. Don’t want to have to deal with long hair. PJ’s happy with that. He likes my hair short.