
Many of us, myself included, come from a dysfunctional family which adds a lot of weight to the challenges of caregiving. I have read stores on various threads on other topics and decided it would be good to have a thread just for this topic for people to share, vent and discuss.
The idea for this thread originated on the thread named "The Caregiver....How are YOU doing today?"
guest - I read somewhere you are not going to the wedding. Good call!!!!!
trying -wondering how you and your parents are
ali - I see you posting here and there. Have you checked that your thyroid levels are where they should be. Sometimes it takes a few TSH tests to get the right dose.
Darn sinus headache is back tonight. Dd and fam came over and took most of the stuff and some extra queen sized sheets I had. I have some books which will go to a local church. some antique ones which may be worth trying to sell in E'ton, and some I will donate to a local used book store. I have a couple of old laptops upstairs which prob should be trashed. They are soooo slow!
Raining a bit - so welcome. Showers forecast for the weekend. Yay!!!
Have a good night, all.
I hope everyone is well. I read sporadically on AC during the day and then comment on a post if I think I have something to contribute. I appreciate keeping up with all of your lives, though, by reading on DYS thread. Everything's going generally ok for me. I don't feel as well as I'd like to, far too much fatigue, but I'm making it.
Thanks for mentioning me, Golden. I do need to go get TSH levels tested. Thing is, they weren't all that low to begin with, but I KNOW this medicine made a big difference for me. So. Shrug. I think one of the few obvious things left for me to do, to improve QOL, is to do a strict diet and stick to it. I don't want to, as you can imagine.
Good night, all. (((((hugs)))))
And I'm just tired, maybe. Menopause too. Never-ending poopy laundry. Several-times-daily visits from home support, and they're all different workers since mom's hospital stay, so I've had to "train" people all over again - plus my introvert self is hungry for refreshing, recharging solitude.
I can "officially" report that I booked one lone gig for this summer - putting together the Joni Mitchell show after all. Just me and one of my bandmates with a guitar (I'm just singing), and another singer doing harmonies. And in the small park under the gazebo, not the big park with the giant stage. It should be pretty laid back. I'm not too focused on it yet - probably not enough! But the other two musicians' enthusiasm is starting to get a little infectious. We have two months to get the songs together.
I lobbied the other two for one of Joni's lesser-known songs (Nothing Can Be Done) on the set list, on the grounds that I relate to the lyric so much.
I am not old
I'm told
But I am not young
Oh and nothing can be done
I did get the molding replaced on my car which was stolen - no one claims to have ever heard of this before - not the parts guy, not the insurance estimator - I'm out $350 despite filing a claim and getting a discount on the parts and a lot of frustration - of course new parts on a 6 year old car stand out even moreso now
I really need a break. I started talking to mom about the proposed respite stay at Ponderosa Lodge. She was all, "NO! NO! NO!" I told her I desperately need a break, I reminded her I haven't had a whole day off in a year. She said, "Well go, then!" She really thinks it's just fine to walk away and leave her here on her own.
She IS going into Ponderosa for a week. I don't know how I'm going to get her there, but I also don't care how much she protests. I need a vacation.
Funny how sometimes things can pop up online or elsewhere, and suddenly, you're right back in your abusive or dysfunctional childhood. There was a book published in the 70s that was promoted as an open, honest, pictorial way to explain sex to children. It featured children in the nude and descriptive photos and text about the whole process. I have no idea why, but it popped up on youtube as the subject of a possible documentary when I was uploading a training video for a client. I have no idea why it popped up - I've never searched for such a thing or anything even remotely related to it - but there it was. I knew as soon as I saw the picture of the cover what it was. I almost fell off my chair. My stomach twisted up into a knot and my brain went completely blank for a few minutes. I thought I had pretty much forgotten about that book - but there it was, (literally) in black and white. My father used it as justification for his abuse of us kids, saying if this book showed kids this way, that it was ok for us. Obviously, that was NOT the intent when the book was published. In the 1980s, the book was banned in the US for containing what amounted to child porn.
My greatest fear when I was going through my parents' dressers and closet in their room was that I would find that damned book. I actually kind of hoped I would, so I could burn the disgusting thing, but I didn't. I suspect either Dad got rid of it so he wouldn't be caught with it after I told Mom what he was doing to us kids (when I was 10), or Mom found it and disposed of it herself. I have no idea - all I know is it's gone - or at least I haven't found it so far.
I'm going to talk to the area nurse this week about more home support (one of the workers told me we can get 4 visits a day if I push for it), and also see if the renal social worker can also help push for that bed at Ponderosa before I lose it.
susan - thanks, me too! What a horrible shock you must have gotten, to see that book online out of nowhere! Ugh, I have no doubt you felt quite sickened. (((((hugs)))))
My Hubs has a habit of reverting to a childish a**hole on special occasions, Birthdays especially. This last year on his Birthday he had been behaving like a real pri*k all
day. But we went through the whole charade of going for dinner with his family (which is painful, even on a good day) When we finally got home I was looking for something in the kitchen cupboard and had left it open. Hubs banged his head on it and turned around and just freaked out on me. I had had enough at that point. I went to bed and just bawled my eyes out. I wondered the next morning why I'd gotten so upset. It wasn't till a couple of weeks later that I realized that that whole incident brought back memories of my schizophrenic brother freaking out on me when I was young when I accidentally hit him in the head with the door. I was really terrified of my brother when I was young so hubs freaking out triggered that memory.
Again Susan, so sorry for the bad memories. :(
It's a wonder so many of us survived the things we did. I still deal with anxiety and waking up with a knot in my stomach in the morning because I'm never sure what family crisis or drama awaits me.
Have you spoken to the Hospice social worker about this issue?
Are you thinking that mom is no longer competent to make financial decisions and that you need to invoke you POA powers? How is that document written?
It seems to me that you need legal advice re: mom's competence and what your POA powers extend to.
I suggest talking to the social worker for two reasons; she may be able to hook you up with legal resources (mom's money should be used for this, NOT YOURS) and she may have some resources for dealing with the dysfunction of your siblings in terms of mediation.
((((hugs))))) to you at this very difficult time. Your mom no longer has the power to "stand up for you" to your siblings. It sounds like all she wants is to die peacefully, which is likely why she's agreeing with whomever is talking with her at the moment.
Being POA within a dysfunctional family is no picnic. Stay with us; there are lots of folks who will be along to give advice later this morning, I'm sure.
As POA you are charged with oversight of mom's financial resouces. That money is for her needs and care only. Sis is out of line. What I would do is to get someone to serve as conservator and all checks written would have two signatures. You cannot appoint someone to serve as her POA, only mom can do that and only if she is not incapacitated. Maybe mom's attorney would do that or they refer you to someone that will. It would be mom's funds that pay for the service as it is for her benefit. I will benefit you as it will provide you the assistance and support to say no to this sib.
If mom should live long enough and need additional care, say a nursing home, and has to apply for Medicaid she would be penalized, dollar for dollar, on every loan/gift she has given anyone over the past five years. What then? Be strong, get the help and support you need to stop sib from exploiting mom.
And when mom passes who is executor? I would make sure that these "loans" are repaid to the estate prior to splitting it, if anything is left, with other heirs.
Last words tonight, until bedtime -
Me: Why do you have to be like this?
Mom: Why do YOU have to be like this?
Me: Well, look who raised me! Take a look in the mirror!
I never thought I'd say it out loud, but tonight, I did.
I'm starting to wonder if she breaks out the poop-a-thons on purpose, too. Like, is it part of her nasty side? Yesterday....how the h*** do you get that much poop EVERYWHERE. I was up till 4 AM cleaning the last of it and finishing the laundry. Not one word of thanks or even acknowledgement.
I really need a break.
I phoned the renal SW today, trying to get that respite bed sped up. She suggested (possibly true) that I am very nice and polite when I talk to people on the phone, so that the home health nurse probably had no idea how badly in need of respite I really am. So she's going to phone the manager at Ponderosa herself and see about getting things in motion.
Please, please, please, let it be soon.
It will be soon. Hang in there.
We were supposedly "guaranteed" a formal carer's assessment within six weeks of applying to social services. Hollow laughter: make that six months. Seven months. Eight...
One morning I got a call from an Adult Services Team Leader, just calling to "check how you're getting on." I opened my mouth and the words "oh, you know, we're fine" were about to come out but then I broke down into sobs. Extremely embarrassing but she did get the message.
You shouldn't have to have the screaming ab-dabs to get the help you need but I sometimes wonder if it is the only way.
I'll keep checking in, thinking of you. Wish I had more to offer.
How is your sister doing? She must be a wreck!