The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Oh dear God,, fil just told hubs that the hospital wants MIL to go on hospice. She isn't eating, and they are keeping her for a few more days. I had trouble understanding what FIL was saying,, but the bottom line is she passing. And Hubs is not taking this well at all,, keeps bring up the situation with the move.. all of it. He is going to go to the meeting at the hospital tomorrow..and I sort of feel like I should call out of work and go too... but I really don't want to be in the middle of this! She is 93, and I keep explaining that you should just want her end to be peacefull, but he is so angry. So I will go to work, and hope I don't get exploded in the aftermath. He is an 'Avoider",, and so this is even worse. I really think it's probably best,, but I'll just try to be supportive and stay out of it. But I do wonder if he will ever be the same with his dad after this, and I know the relationship with his brother is shot

PZ, thinking of you and family. It is a very difficult time for all. Do what you need to do for you.

Pam, sorry to hear about your MIL. Sending hugs and thoughts of comfort to you and your family.

Oh Pammy, so sorry things are rough for you and hubs family! Hubby need to realize that his Mom Is 93, and that's a good long life buy most people's understanding. Still, losing a parent at any age is very difficult! My thoughts and prayers are with you and everyone!

Pam, so sorry you and your family are going this. I hope your hubby comes to terms with it. Sending comfort!

Well she seemed a bit better today. Hubs says she is going back to MC on hospice, and will get more help eating and such. So he is sad, but OK with it. Thank you all for you thoughts and wishes. He coming to terms with it!

Hang in there, Pam
I continue to be amazed at how some folks at mom's facility can take a step back and keep on going even into their 90s
Mom often loses her appetite with UTIs and yes MC misses UTIs all the time - MIL might just benefit from the extra attention from hospice
It's all so difficult

glad - wow building is moving fast

pamz - hope things are settling down. It is a difficult time for everyone.

book - your mum hung in there for a long time. My mother is not at death's door but she is declining.

Oh madge - the 90's are long gone for my mother. Hope your viking is dong well.

This is not being a stellar holiday - R and I have enjoyed the mountains. We couldn't get to Jasper as the road was blocked the morning we tried due to a collision. However, we took an interesting side trip. He hiked a couple of days and I spent most of the time dealing with one allergy hit or another. I am now officially allergic to metal - probably nickel - and hopefully only that. It will make sorting through my jewelry much easier. Anything metal, not 14 K gold or over or good sterling silver, will go. I have used a lot of zinc ointment soothing my skin. Then I made a spectacle of myself at the court house. R had business there and I hadn't remembered that I had a pair of folding scissors in my handbag, which also doubles as a pharmacy, make up counter, and more. It is bad enough that my earrings set off the alarm so I had to be searched but, they kept me behind so I could surrender the scissors. But could I find them???? Finally the guy took my bag back to the machine to locate generally where they were in my purse, and, after refusing his kind offer to look, I did find them and handed them over. It was embarrassing.

Since then I have kept quiet and finally. am getting over the various ailments now that it is time to go home. Oh well! The rest has done me good.

Take care all!

Hi all, Veronica has posted on her Wall that her husband passed away last.  I'm just feeling so bad for her. I thought I'd go ahead and share this news with you guys, if you want to post supportive Hugs for her.

Thx Ali

(((((((Veronica))))))) So, so sorry. Words can't express. Deepest condolences.

Poor Veronica. I hope she is okay.

Thank you Ali. I never would have known without your post.

Golden, hope you feel better quick. Yes the house is going quick. They started enclosing it Friday, trusses next week. Then it will become a waiting game to get on schedule for subs. Six weeks just for Windows to get here.

Thanks, ABB. I scrolled down a bit and found her post about her husband. Quickest way for me to send her a HUG in her message wall.

What a pleasant morning! High of 75 yesterday, down to low 50's overnight. Closed windows a bit, no ceiling fan, warming blanket, slept late, must get up for tea soon, nearly 8:00. Feels so good. Even ice still in my glass this morning. Ahh what s the rush?

Dammit all, I had a whole big post written and then I accidentally closed my browser!

Anyway, I'll make this shorter. I got drunk on root beer schnapps last night and I have a big headache today.

The respite break was great, and mom and I had a "honeymoon period" that lasted exactly one week after that. Then she went right back to her old ways, and I realized, finally, that you guys were right. My mother is a narcissist.

She treats me like I am nothing. Like, my life is nothing, my needs are nothing, my home is nothing, my friends are nothing, my music is nothing. Everything I am or have or want is NOTHING to her. If I'm anything to her at all, I'm just an extension of her, meant to support everything SHE is or has or wants, like a "good daughter."  And she honestly doesn't think I've given up anything real or tangible to care for her - she actually had the balls to snark at me last week that I have a pretty good life here!!!!!!

This isn't even new. Part of the reason I haven't been around for a couple of weeks is I've just been quietly observing, and adding up all the parts of my life, ending up with this conclusion. It's been a lifetime of secrets, lies, and headgames....

It isn't just dementia. She is physically a wreck, but her mind is not as illucid as she sometimes pretends.....rather, it's part of her narcissism that she just wants other people to do her thinking work for her, alongside everything else everyone does for her. Mild dementia has broken her filters, but only with ME. I'm the only one she is mean, nasty, and dismissive to, and she tells everyone else what a great daughter I am. I think in some ways, she is quite happy to have a tragic, lingering illness like kidney disease, because people feel sorry for her and she gets treated like a queen, never having to do anything for herself, while still getting to live to a reasonable age. (She'll be 80 in two weeks - before kidney disease, she used to constantly say she didn't want to live to "some horrible age like 80.")

Yesterday I screamed at her to stop treating me like I'm nothing, kicked one of the kitchen cabinets so hard I damaged it, sat on the kitchen floor bawling, and then made her go sleep in her room. This is the never-ending battle over the living area (the apartment is open plan), where she just sleeps on the couch all day/evening in front of the TV, and I have to tip-toe around her.  Because me wanting to have a LIFE (get some exercise/play some music/have some friends over/stretch out on the couch myself) really is a pathetic joke to her. I should just hide in the teeny-tiny spare room where there's only room to sit/lay on the bed, or else I should sit quietly at the dining table while she sleeps.

I told the two home support workers who've visited since not to bring her into the living area unless she asks. I must seem like the coldest daughter on earth to them. I'm going to put a TV in her room, hopefully some time this week, and then maybe that will mollify her - and I can start to have at least half a life again, not having to tip-toe around the main living area. (She never wanted a TV in her room because she didn't want it to feel like a sick room - so she treats the entire apartment like a sick room, while everyone else must accommodate that.)  I WILL fight her on this. I'll be damned if I'm going to live like this anymore.

Anyway. I need to get rid of this headache so I won't stay online much longer. But I just wanted to tell you that you were all right, and I'm finally realizing it.

Happy Canada Day, by the way.

Went to visit MIL at the hospital today, and got there in time to join the hospice discussion with the gal at the hospital, so that is all set up. They could not take her back to MC today because they "don't do admissions on the weekend".. WTH, she has a room! But her care is better at the hospital so I am actually glad about that. BIL and FIL were all excited that hospice pays for "everything,, all meds".. Nope, had to get that cleared up,, only the hospice meds.. not her normal ones. But at least they were both happy to see me and FIL said "talk to her, she knows what's going on" MIL looks better, and she was talking sentences (not making sense,, but talking) And she is eating soft foods again (that was a big worry). So I am optimistic about hospice care doing a good job. And hubs feels better about everything.

Dorianne, your mom does not have to be a demented demon for you to have a right to want what you want and get some of it. Your solution sounds humane and OK. If she only wants to lie on a couch and watch a TV, you might as well let her; if she needs so badly to believe she is not a burden to you that she can't at least have a little gratitude, that's sad, and a harsh reality for you to have to deal with.

And Pam.. yeah that; how they do it, they expect you to stop any life-sustaining meds and just give pain and anxiety meds. I remember with my mom that I had to explain that her Sinemet made her able to feed herself and she valued that. They did not even want to give her anticoagulants, which she needed in order not to hasten death, which was not our goal. We just wanted her comfortable and able to interact, not totally snowed, and not to have to go back to the hospital.

Dorianne, how did the respite stay go for your mom, was she OK with being at the hospice facility? I'm asking because you sound an awful lot like I did when I reached total burn out - everything my mom did annoyed me and I began to believe that every positive thing in our past relationship had been nothing but lies, and I didn't even have the kind of dysfunctional relationship with my mom you are trying to overcome. It finally dawned on me that it wasn't being kind to either of us to continue on as we were, I deserved at least a part of my life back and especially mom deserved to not be taken care of by someone who simmered with barely suppressed rage. Think about it.

Dori, I can totally understand the whole room/space issue. When mom was alive her duplex was 1300 sq ft plus garage, floored attic storage and full basement. There were 3 bedrooms and 3-1/2 baths. Two of the baths were en suite. The third was off the hallway. There was an added on bath at the back of the garage. I was forced to have the smallest bedroom with no attached bath and had to use the bathroom at the back of the garage. No respect from my mother and she thought I should be happy with my bedroom and bathroom. One of many contributing reasons for why I moved away. A narcissistic mother is the gift that keeps on giving and giving.

cwillie - she liked it except for the people. Too many people, in and out all day and night to check on her. And yeah, I am taking what you said seriously. Thinking about it a lot, actually.

Thanks for that, vstefans.

Well. Just got a 55" Sony TV mounted to the wall in mom's room, with BFF's and her hubby's help. Perfect view from her hospital bed - it's like her own private movie theatre and WAY more comfortable than the couch. Haven't set up the cable yet - have to get a service call for that. But we did set it up with my Chromecast, which means I can broadcast anything to her TV from my laptop or phone....or tablet (she has one but it was a gift she never used, so naturally I can't even find it). The main thing is Netflix, which is what she watches most anyway (because autoplay).

Fingers crossed this is the solution I've been looking for. The biggest issue is space....if I could just get some space, especially on the weekends when I can't go anywhere, I don't think I'd be so angry. If she could just fall asleep in front of the TV whenever she wants, like she used to do before I started staying with her, I don't think SHE'D be so angry.....

Oh Becky - yes, this is a big part of it for me. Tiny bedroom that is RIGHT off the living room, and mom has a private bathroom....but the other one (that I use) is right across the hall from the tiny spare room. So I can't even go from my room to the bathroom without being watched. Mom's room is big and tucked away at the back.....but I feel so EXPOSED.  Whatever I do.  Not to mention....ok, her place is technically nicer than mine because everything's new....but it's HER place, HER stuff, HER furniture layout, HER TV, HER view, everything SHE'S chosen. Nothing of mine anywhere. I can't even hang my clothes in the closet because she had it filled with built-in cubbies to store HER stuff. I bought one of those Rubbermaid drawer sets just to have somewhere to put my things. She thinks that's just fine and that I have a pretty good life here. I feel like I've been camping for a year.

Maybe it's a view some people have that one's true "home" is the home of one's parents? I've never felt that way (especially because of the divorce), but mom did end up living back in the house she grew up in, until she came here....though at least she had the opportunity to make it hers. This place would look much different if I had the opportunity to make it "mine." (For starters, all this bloody beige would get tossed over the balcony!)

Well....just brought mom home from dialysis. She LOVES the TV. Took her shoes off and climbed right into bed. So she's in her room, watching Grey's Anatomy....as I write this from the living area.

Fingers still crossed. If she ends up preferring the (bigger, newer) TV in her room, this will actually solve about a hundred problems......

I'm concerned for myself that I have some mood disorder problems. I'm concerned that my anxiety is a big part of why I'm fatigued, and being chronically fatigued makes me feel anxious.

My best friend has met someone though dating and they say they're getting married. (I joked that I have food in the refrigerator older than their relationship, but whatever, she's happy and I'm happy for her.) She came up and I dragged myself out to see her and have dinner with them. Then we went out to a nightclub. It was fun but... I started having very strange anxiety and panic and weird thoughts. I think it's because I was PUSHING myself to go out with her, stay out late, there were lots of drinks. My body/brain just doesn't have much reserves anymore. I push myself too much and it changes my personality.

My day was completely ruined today because I got to bed far too late to do a workout or go into work as scheduled. I knew no one was counting on me today, so it was a reasonable day to call off, but... it's not good.

It's not a crisis but I was SO MOODY yesterday and last night. I would have tears, then feeling agitated and aggressive. Ugh. It's passed but it's concerning to feel that way and act that way.  I'm wondering if chronic fatigue is why I don't handle any bumps in life well at all.  It takes so little to knock me off track, mentally and physically.  

I ask myself "Well, what would I have changed...?" about yesterday and last night. And really, it was good for me to get out to see my good friend and spend a little time out. But it takes such a toll on me. That's all. It really worked me over and I was feeling SOOOOOOOO dramatic. I want to keep things as simple and sane as I can, but it's a struggle.

Thanks for indulging my self-obsessed post, lol.  I see that many of you are dealing with serious health issues, either yourselves or your LO's.  

I see a therapist, then a psych, come August.  I'm hoping they might have some input for how to better handle my anxiety.  It's exhausting to experience.  

Dori, I hope this works. I can understand needing space and not feeling you have to sequester yourself to your room.

Becky, glad you home and recovering. Soon these surgeries will a memory and you will be up doing all your normal routine.

Golden, I too have metal allergies. I can wear sterling silver or 14k gold and higher with no break outs or skin irritations. I hope the rest of your trip was more enjoyable.

More info has come out regarding my niece. Apparently she was drinking large amounts of alcohol along with taking Ativan.

My sister is very tortured with questions, what if she did not die immediately, was she in pain, why didn’t her family do something knowing she was drinking so much and taking pills. She even says her daughter is a hypocrite because she banished me from her life when I was drinking. I know it’s her pain that is causing her anger. I wish I had words to help her, but I don’t.

I watched a video about a man now in his 40’s. He survived jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco. He said as soon as his hand let go of the rail, he had instant regret. He also said he did not do it out of selfishness or to hurt anyone; it was to stop the internal battle, stop the pain and silence his thoughts.

If you know someone battling depression, it has become a very serious situation when they say they are a burden or feel like a burden. Take it seriously and try to get them help through APS or other sources.

My heart breaks for my sister, for my niece who now feels she enabled her sister, and her husband who lives knowing their last words to each other was from a bad fight.

Hugs, Sharyn.

You are being a rock to your family, you know. All this fallout must be terrible for everyone.

Sharyn, I’m sorry your family is going thru so much pain over niece’s niece’s death. Suicide is the most difficult death to try to understand - the lack of answers and wondering if there is something you could have done.

I’m feeling better every day. Unfortunately, my surgeries didn’t miraculously cure my sleep problems. It’s not a perfect life.

Thank you CM and Becky, my sister is very angry at my kids and my brothers kids for not at least sending her a card. The reality is my sister does not maintain a relationship with any of them. I have kept in contact with her daughters over the years. I just ignored her anger at them because she is angry at everything right now and lashing out at them is easy. She is not an easy person to have any type of relationship with.

Ali, I don’t know what to say about your health other than since my mom passed away, any stress I experience ( generally family stress), I get easy exhausted with my heart rate elevated for a few days. Everyday stress from work doesn’t bother me. I’m just wondering if after being a caregiver, your body and emotions are just not up to any excitement right now. Take care of yourself (hugs)!

Hey Sharyn, I wasn't expecting any feedback really, but thank you!! I'm getting by, but then I'll have a day or night where I realize very clearly that there are limitations to what I can do, and my limits are a lot lower than most other people my age. I also realize I have mental illness issues that surface regularly enough, but also are triggered by certain things. I think I'm experiencing underlying longterm issues I was going to run into anyway, but caregiving just made everything worse -- certainly it made my anxiety so much worse. And whether I want to admit it or not (and I don't want to admit it), both of my parents have signs of personality disorders and mental illness. It makes sense to think I have some genetic predisposition to some things. I see therapist in August and hopefully they'll have good input for me.

Sorry about your sis. What an event for her... for all of you. But makes sense to me, with everything you've said about her through the years, that she would be lashing out in anger at everyone else right now. Try to shield yourself from it as much as you can. You can't change anything. I'm glad you don't experience fatigue/stress from work. I do, and my job is pretty easy. That tells me that it's just ANYTHING that runs me down right now. Just being awake runs me down, lol. So this is not good. I don't have a good quality of life right now but I keep working on it. (((hugs)))