The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Hi all - needed a big break. The time away from home did me much good. I was a bit burnt out from, uh, life.

dori - hope the new arrangement works.

glad - woo hoo - construction is moving...

becky - take care

duck - have a great holiday with your son - so exciting

guest - hope the new job is going well

sharyn - too bad about your bro, but it will work out. My understanding is the same as yours - brain dead and life support till the organs are harvested. You will still be reeling from your niece's suicide. (((((((hugs))))

ali - caregiving takes a chunk out of us and I am not sure we ever totally recover. You need to be especially careful of you.

everyone - do something good for you.

We saw a few IMAX shows back in E'ton and went to a musical at the dinner theatre, Got home a few days ago, and R promptly got a call the next day for work down there starting this week. It is not a regular job but work is work, while he keeps applying for something better. Last night while he was packing up to leave we noticed water on the kitchen floor. The hose to the faucet thingy is leaking. I will have the whole thing replaced Meanwhile it can be used as long as i leave it lying in the sink and don't let the hose retract. All the renos I had done are now 10 years old so stuff will happen.

We are at the periphery of extreme family dysfunction. Got an SOS message for support from my niece. My sister is selling the place they shared, despite a verbal agreement that it would go to my niece in exchange for looking after my sis in her old age. Niece has been doing all the housecleaning and other chores, and niece's hubby has looked after the large grounds extremely well, all for nothing but the expectation this would be their home after sis went. Oh, these verbal agreements are troublesome. If sis is successful in evicting her daughter, it means my niece's side business - kennels for small pets like rabbits and hamsters - will be shot down as it needs some grounds and niece and her hubby will not be able to afford that elsewhere. Niece started blaming it all on her new stepfather, and also on the stroke my sis had at Christmas, till I reminded her that years ago my sister went to court and took family inheritance from her and her brother (my niece and nephew) then disinherited my nephew, so this is nothing new. Niece says her mother (my sis) is cold. Indeed she is, and uses people like she did her dd and sil. Now she has a hubby herself and doesn't need her dd and sil any more. Niece is taking this to court and R and I will support her as R had a discussion with sis a few years ago where sis stated that the house would go to niece in exchange for care. What a mess. Niece says sis has been "loopy" since her stroke, so it may have been more than a tia. I suspect it is harder for sis to hide the narcissism now. At least mother is not capable of being involved this time.

Waiting to hear of the increased antidepressant has helped mother and if any of her new clothing works for her. I know it will take a while for the increased antid to kick in.

Feeling like I need another holiday. I am so tired of family dysfunction and also of dealing with this house. The aftermath of the fire did it for me. There was so much that needed to be looked after, workmen wandering in and out for a year, battles with the insurance people, moving mother once again.... It has been a hard couple of years. But -the weather is nice, the transplanted roses survived the winter, and the city finally put sod down where they had a temp parking lot across the street , so there are some simple things to enjoy and much for which to be thankful.

Thanks golden.job is busy and good. The lamentation about missing the wedding is in each call to hubs. My BIL talked to my hubs today and asked my hubs NOT to intervene. The needs of MIL FIL are so great and their lack of hiring care is not fair to family. Wonder if I’d been willing to attend if that would have been the case?....was not the approach at past events when I was willing to attend. Sorry your sis is following her usual arc. No guilt now about your suspicion that nothing changed.
Hugs to all. My son is doing his own advocacy as my hubs wasn’t available when he called...but it’s good for son to learn. And good reminder for me that “ I’ll take care of it “ is hubs go to statement but not go to action.

Golden good to hear from you and happy you had great time away. Guest great the job is going well.

Getting ready for roof shingles and electrician. Spent some time tonight looking at ceiling fans for inside master and great room. Also thinking about fans on the front porch to keep bugs down to say nothing about a bit of a breeze. Hmmmm contractor looking at it to see if it will work. He seems concerned about the winds breaking blades. We will see.

Ts2 wants to move fabrics, there are plenty and other items out of trust so she can close it out. This may take some time. She is concerned about what mom would think. Told her that mom would understand needing to be done with it. NO RESPONSE. NO SURPRISE. Times and behaviors just do not change.

Glad, your house is coming along, shingle already. Then all the inside work. Do you have many sub contractors there? That is what holds up houses here, not enough sub contractors.

Golden, Glad your time away was restful. Yes, reeling is a good word to describe it.

Guest, so happy your new job is working out so great.

Have a good night all.

This is a rural area and yes there are subs, but not plenty. I am sure the locals take jobs in rapidly growing metro areas about 60 miles away. At least it seems that my contractor has good relationships with subs and just about every one. Just a nice laid back man. His uncle though, different company is a first class axx.

Dysfunctionality can be almost the norm in one form or another. Is that psychiatrist speak? Have been in my share. If a total exception exists, I'd like to see it.

Well, my dysfunctional family saga has come to an end.

Background: I left my home in another state and moved in with Mom to be her live-in caregiver until she passed in April. I stayed to clean out Mom's house and sell it (thanks to me I did all the research and work to get Mom to sign a Transfer on Death deed so we wouldn't have to go through probate), then returned home. After several weeks of nothing from my two sisters, Sister 1 is the executor and Sister 2, they blindsided me with a call that they had "studied" all my reimbursements for Mom's expenses (I couldn't afford anything and made it clear I couldn't afford to pay any of Mom's expenses) and they were "docking" me from my inheritance items that they didn't agree with.

Keep in mind that they were paid for services or expenses they may or may not have conducted or spent and I never was paid, and never mind they were reimbursed 100% of what they paid for Mom, even items Mom didn't really need, like more clothes or yard wood chips.

So, after no communication from S1 and S2 since then--who would not answer my calls--yesterday I received my "inheritance" certified check from Executor-S1 for $6,000 less than what, by all rights, it should have been. The amount they sent was less than my share of the house that we sold!

After speaking with two attorneys, a police officer, and a district court clerk, my only recourse is to hire an attorney and file a lawsuit. One of the attorneys, who would have been my attorney had I pursued this, made it clear I'd be in the hole financially when it was all done and it would takes years.

For leaving my home empty, sequestering myself in my mom's house to be her full-time caregiver and to give these same two sisters a break, putting my life on hold on 14 months, damaging my mental, emotional, and physical health, I've lost or went deeper into a hole a total of about $14,000. I can't help but think Mom would be appalled that my two sisters completely disregarded Mom's will and intent for her children.

So, bottom line: be aware that an executor can ignore the deceased's will and intent, steal from a beneficiary, and get away with it. Even after a lousy night's sleep, I float between rage, numbness, exhaustion, and tears.

I will never speak to these two again. They're both shameless narcissists. While they're no loss to me, it's still incredibly hurtful. The hard part is when I think about Mom and how she was proud to pass on a no-debt estate to her children and grandchildren.

Christ, MM.

I'm not saying it isn't best just to close the door on these people. That has simplicity to recommend it, and is the option I chose myself, come to that.

But I'm just wondering. When the... (I have not to describe them, because I'll forget myself) ... the executors, then, saw fit to challenge your legitimate expenses and dock your legacy, how did you respond to their telling you about it?

MM, it has been a long hard fought battle for you these past few years caring for your Mom. What your Sister's have done to you is Disgusting at best, and Unforgivable IMO, but at this point, I would agree with you that it is best that you walk away, and try your best to forget them and heal from this ordeal.

Eventually and Hopefully, you will forget about all the difficulties, and begin to remember your Mom, and all the wonderful memories you have of her, only then will you feel whole again, but I do imagine that this will take some time.

I am so sorry for their treatment of you, you most certainly did not deserve it! I guess there are just some people in the world, and who would rather be horrible to others, selfish and cold, but it doesn't make sense to the rest of us. It's best to walk away with your head held high, for all the wonderful ways in which you honored and enriched your Mother's life, and leave it at that. You take care!

Countrymouse and staceyb: Thank you for your support. It's all so mind-boggling.

Countrymouse: how did I respond when they told me they were docking me? As always they called after several weeks of not answering my phone calls and out of the blue and when I'm not prepared or forewarned. I was walking my dogs in the mountains.

During that phone call, S2 had a question of something I explained in a statement from June 2017 that obviously I couldn't recall. But like everything those two did, they'd throw things at me (verbally) that made no sense or was so shocking I could never respond. There were so times when it took days afterward before I could mentally sort through what they'd said or accused. They constantly did things that way.

After a sleepless night, I was mulling over allowing S2 to call and talk with me (if she called). S1 doesn't have the nerve. I knew what I would say to S2. But then I realized after watching them when I was home for those 14 months, all they would do is share what I had spewed and laugh at me and revel in my anger and despair.

I don't deserve to that, even if I'm not aware of it. I blocked their phone numbers (tiny defense, I know). If they ever want to contact me, they can mail me something. I'll get beyond this, I know. It'll just take a bit of time.

Hi all, just checking in on all my Wonderful Friends! Everything is going well with me and mine, a Beautiful Summer her in Sunny Seattle, and we are enjoying lazy days in our backyard. I an looking forward to a four-day get away with one of my Sister's here in a couple of weeks, otherwise, busy with our kids and their comming and goings, frequent BBQ's, and Grandies baseball games.

We care still considering selling up an purchasing a Condo, so we are doing all the little fix ups around here, to make it an easy sell, just puttering around and enjoying the quiet life for a while.

I don't know if you might remember, but right about the same time as my FIL moved into the Assisted Living place last May (those 12 weeks, until his fall and pneumonia and Cancer diagnosis that brought him back to our home to die), my eldest sister's MIL moved in, right next door to him there.

Well last week, her MIL fell in her AL apartment, upon having a Catastrophic Stroke, laid on the floor overnight (I know, simular situation as my FIL!), and 911/Aid Car called with transport to the hospital. It was found (upon CT Scan) a massive irreversible stroke, and she was paralyzed on one side. She never regained consciousness, and passed away with Hospice care, in the hospital this last Tuesday. So another sad loss for them and our entire family.

My BIL, sister's husband, has been in my life since I was about 9 years old, and his Mom had been a part of our family as well, always participated in our families holidays and functions, I barely remember a time where she wasn't in my life, so a sad loss for us all, and the last surviving elder amongst us 6 siblings. So, we are the Oldies Now, hard to think about that, but we are 56 to 76, including my siblings and all my cousins (1st, 2nd, 3rd, etc!), the first generation of the the original 13 my Mom and Dad, Grandparents, and Mom's siblings and her one Auntie and her 5 cousins (and their spouses and a few British born kids/my cousins) who immigrated to the Seattle area, from Wales, UK.

Life is funny, I was very lucky to have such a wonderful family, and still great relationships with all of them. I came to this Dysfunctional thread, looking for advice on how to deal with my Narcissistic FIL and found such a wonderful kinship with you all. I think of you often, and still follow the thread, but now have little to input, now that my FIL has passed, this past September 2017.

I will continue to check in now and then, but please know, that I do appreciate everything you all did to advise me and my husband, on dealing with FIL's difficult personality and the dysfunction it has caused my husband's family. Speaking of which, my husband has cut off all contact with his siblings, a mutual choice, as they have no interest, except when they need something, and he isn't willing to put up with that anymore.

We have our own kids and Grandchildren to think about now, and living our own best life in retirement, and planning for our financial future, and any legacy that we might be able to leave for them, probably not much, Lol!

Take Care All! Stacey B

Guest - your son is doing well!!! re sis - no guilt either way

glad - ts's haven't changed. No point keeping the fabrics. Great you have a good contractor and subs. You will be in your house in no time.

sharyn - in my experience it takes a long time to process any family death and especially a suicide. My fave cousin died in a single vehicle accident. His widow is convinced it was intentional, and there were circumstances that supported her view. Life is never the same afterwards. Hope bro is doing well.

cats -welcome and tell us more. Here we understand one another as the dysfunctions run deep.

MM - so sneaky and dishonest and hurtful. I am executor and would not be surprised to see my sis take me to court to get more than her share, if not all of the inheritance. I have to agree that letting it go is your best option, and also cutting contact. I understand about the shocking accusations. They leave you speechless. Do what is best for you. ((((((hugs)))))

stacey -good too see you here. I know you and your hub went through lots of it. Sorry to hear about sis's mil. For her sake I am glad it was fast ad painless. So good to hear you are enjoying your family.

Just got through a few days of FM/CFS flare up again. Hope I will have a few days ahead without it. Rained here a little today. The air is so fresh and cool. Love it!

Take care all!

To: MountainMoose
I'm new here. I know how it feels to get burned. I just want to tell you I think you have a better chance in the long run to be happy.(because you are a good person)
Your sisters will never be truly happy.(because they are miserable)
They are miserable they just don't know it.

you're the better person and that's worth more than what they have.

golden23: Thank you for your support! I appreciate your words.

wally003: Thank you for your kind words! You are absolutely right on all counts. A few more quiet days and I think I'll be good.

{hug to you all}

While I wait for the roof, a white peacock, no not at my house.

?

?? Lol!

Glad,
Just like life.
In the middle of building a house, in the middle of family dysfunction...
Here comes a beautiful peacock, white!

Is that rare where you are?

???

White peacocks I am sure are rare. I don't think I have ever seen one. It was not at a zoo, but on a property that smokes pigs and makes jerky.

So... a property that smokes pork has a white peacock. Is it... a pet of the property? I have so many questions, but let's start with that one. lol

I've sometimes seen peacocks kept as pets on private property. I've also read that they aren't particularly social birds. I guess one would keep them because they're beautiful.

Apropos of not much, I'd love to have a pair of swans some day if I ever have property with enough water nearby. Those birds seem so very sweet, with their forever mating and bonding.

MM, there is no "winning" against people like your sisters. You already know this, I'm just reminding you.

I was so enmeshed in my dysfunctional caregiving situation that, even though I wanted to get away, it was difficult. Being told alternative facts as the truth is hard to swallow. Being told you are X, or you did X, or X happened... and it's a twisting of the truth if not a complete lie... this is incredibly difficult to get past, when you've put your heart into caregiving for Loved One.

Your life is going to be so good, so peaceful. It takes time to move on and emotionally detach, but you'll get there. (((((hugs)))))

AliBoBali: thank you!

Moose, I have two twisteds like yours. My hands are washed and I am in a better place emotionally for it.

Yes, Ali, he has probably six peacocks, only one is white, just because he likes them. Not peacock jerky, Ali . 😉

There is also a dairy farmer that keeps some bison because he likes them. But, he cannot keep them with the cows because that property is too close to a sheep farm. Sheep carry some air born something that infects buffalo and kills them.

Beautiful day, cool, for shingles n a roof. Must drive up there to see if it was done. Went up this morning no one working yet. Contractor thought it may be today. Hope it gets done before rains.

I took a cute selfie the other day and decided I'd share it here, temporarily, just for fun.

There was a time when it seemed like dark days stretched out in the future and in the past, for too long, how could I make it out...? But I did. And I look better, imho, than I did before. Or at least as happy, healthy, and all that. So I'm proud, I guess, that I've physically reversed some of the things that caregiving life did to me. I've learned that blond is a great color when you're going gray, lol! I've learned that a hydrating eye cream is an essential for my 40s lol. I'm doing well. I saw the pic, and it's an exceptional one to be sure, just happened to get the right light and had some nice makeup on... but anyway, saw the pic and feels like proof, somehow, that I'm moving on past caregiving. The marks on my immune system, on my mind, will always be there but I can move on and have a good life. :-)

Great pic Ali!

Look good Ali! I was just saying to my Hubs yesterday that it would be so easy to just give up on myself and let myself go but I don't want to do that. But I've been so tired and menopause takes its toll. My energy is caput so I am trying to go for short walks for now.

I've always been religious about wearing sunscreen so my skin looks pretty good for 56 and I always buy my skincare products from this skin spa place so I keep my skin healthy. I always look better in the mirror than I do in pics though. My Hubs sometimes says you look really pretty and he takes a picture with his cell and then he shows it to me and I think I look like hell.

Anywho, we are our own worst critics. Better be careful Ali. Keep posting pictures like that and the Captain will be back. ;)

Thanks you guys. Most pics I see of myself, I don't particularly like them. This one was a cute one.

We are our own worst critics, to be sure. I think it's a woman thing, maybe, as we're socialized to think our outsides are important to our value. That's not true, but society is nicer to attractive people, in general.

Having a personal trainer is a huge expense for me at this time, but it's an investment in myself, and I'm hoping I will be ready to continue on exercising on my own after a little longer with her. She has been the greatest inspiration for getting me out of a physical rut. I was SO RUN DOWN for many of the caregiving years, and even after my dad was in new apartment, I didn't have much energy, felt really low and tired. Trainer has helped greatly, and I recommend to anyone in a rut to try working with someone else who can objectively assess your situation and get you moving, literally, in a better direction. I'm sure the new thyroid meds are helping me greatly, too.

I'm grateful. And I can handle Captain. ;-)

I think it takes balls to even start a blog like this, all to help people and ourselfs. It's a good thing

Very healthy to reach out