
Many of us, myself included, come from a dysfunctional family which adds a lot of weight to the challenges of caregiving. I have read stores on various threads on other topics and decided it would be good to have a thread just for this topic for people to share, vent and discuss.
The idea for this thread originated on the thread named "The Caregiver....How are YOU doing today?"
pepper me with questions on mom's mental acuity asking me who she still knows etc
Maybe because of the heat or the fact that no one at the table including frick and his grown kids have bothered to visit mom in the past year even when she was in hospital with sepsis, her questioning irked me
Does anyone have any idea what weather might be like in Colorado Springs CO in late August?
And yet, I remember years ago, we took care of a dear elderly friend, my husband and I moved him in with us during his last few weeks until he was moved to hospice, as he had no family that he was speaking to, and was afraid he would die at his home alone. He had liver cirrhosis, and his liver was slowly shutting down.
He had told me that he didn't want any of his family to know about his condition, nor did he wish to see them, for the same reason, that they never bothered to call or visit him, so why did they need to know anything?
I didn't know his family, as they had been estranged for many years. Yet, when he was transferred to a hospice facility from the hospital after docs said there was nothing more that they could do to prolong his life, I really wrestled with this. In his last days, he was in a coma, and I decided to go ahead and call his aunt and brother, as they were the only ones I had contact information for. I struggled with guilt as far as what if I do, what if I don't. And not being family myself, I just felt that it was the right thing at the time.
A couple of days before he died, his family came to visit, him already being in a coma. I wasn't there during the visit, but the hospice nurse told me the next day that he had tears running down his cheeks when they left. Did I do the right thing? I still don't know, but I like to hope that some healing took place for him to know his family did come to see him in his last days, and whatever was said during that visit.
I remembered very clearly thinking this: "My mom is dying. And here they are, laughing, smiling, talking - as if it's not serious. My mom is dying." I looked at my sibs. They were all solemnly just staring at mom's family. That 2nd time this happened, my dad told us that from now on, if mom is dying, he doesn't want anyone to contact her family. We All Agreed.... I can still remember that scene.
When mom gets to that point in her life too, I know I'll have to face this tough question, and with our crazy family and their drama, there is just no telling what I'll have to deal with.
But, I wanted to let you know how we came to that decision. And yes, it was a hard decision to make. I weighed the pros and cons for days - even before my off-island siblings arrived. I knew that a decision had to be made if we should call mom's siblings. Should we call them or not? Once all my siblings were here, I brought it up. And everyone immediately said no and gave their reasons. We all agreed.
You're right that it will be difficult when your mom reaches that point in her life.
Gershun -I don't like pics of me either. Never ever give up on yourself!!!!
Eyes - this thread has helped many of us and continues to. Nobody gets it like someone who has been there. So sorry about your dog. (((((hugs))))) A pet is family. I may mourn some pets more than some family members.I have a narc mother and sister too and they have made my life very difficult at times. I sympathise with you. Yes my family is dangerous to me too.
cmag - you have helped many by your comments as well
glad -oh wow -shingles on the roof. Moving along!!!
madge - discouraging isn't it? Not surprised you were irked.
becky -planning a trip?
book - you and your family made the right decisions for your situation
frazzled -those are tough times and it sounds very much like he appreciated the visit. Everyone's situation is different and you have to play it one step at a time.
cats - there are "normal" imperfect people and there are some who are way beyond that. Here we mostly share how people in our lives with mental illnesses have and are affecting us and our families.
My niece updated me. Sis has changed the house insurance to eliminate the contents which are mainly my nieces..I suppose that is fair enough since sis no longer lives there. Niece is working with a lawyer to support her interests, She is, understandably, very hurt. Sis is acting as if nothing is wrong. Niece was adopted so she now feels abandoned by two mothers. She is an alcoholic as well which doesn't help, but she functions very well at her job and business. All I can do is give her support and let her know I love her.
My allergies seem to be much more sensitive now so I am having to read labels very carefully. My fave choc is out now and also a fave ice cream, but there are others which will work. I have to order vegan choc bars on line as none are available in town, The upside is that some of the sinus problems I have been having should go away once I eliminate what I need to. I think it has been affecting me more and more over the last year or more. - prob since evac which is when my skin issues flared up. Stress related. no doubt.
Possible good news is that they are testing a drug which, if their theories are right, will cure CFS. I do hope this happens. I am so tired of being tired.
Since hearing of my sis's TIA, it has me wondering what would happen to mother if I got ill and could not handle my POA duties. Sis is the back up and she couldn't handle it at the best of times. It is beyond ridiculous that seniors are looking after ancients. I wanted someone younger appointed as back up (like my dd) but mother wanted sis, so there we are. If I were hit by a bus, or whatever, I believe that the public trustee here would have to take over.
Oh well, one day at a time and do something good for you.
I have no ability to make decisions for Mom as I am not the legal appointee and she still has faculties about her to make her decisions. It is hard to see her decreasing in mental accuity but as long as I can let her live independently, I will be here for her.
My point is that I would never have imagined in my life how removed S1 and S2 could be about Mom's care. I know that at the end of this, whenever that will be, I have lived my best life and given all I had to my Mom. I cannot imagine looking to be friendly with them or visit. They have been so selfish in this process and shown true colors.
For the sake of my own family and children, 13 and 8, I continue to update them on her issues, but I know that they dont care. I doubt they have ever cared for someone, truly cared for someone in their lives.
For their sake, I hope they have a good relationship with their childen because you can bet your a** that I will not be the one to take care of them.
Pray for me....Patty
Strange dreams. The friend of mom's who was so helpful to me had passed. I went to her funeral with someone (not sure who) Sat down started looking around. Person I was with asked me about moms coat business, I spotted one of the coats mom designed, (wait that coat has an applique attached to the back. that is a picture of the helpful friend). Then I realized person wearing the appliqued coat was ts1 and that ts2 was with her. By this point I am just trying to not be noticed by twisteds. Then of course they had to sit near me. Only problem, these seats were benches where each two rows faced each other. No avoiding twisteds now. Then my kids followed sissies in and sat with them momentarily then switched sides and sat on the bench I was. Then I woke up.
UGH! I guess I am not as emotionally distanced from those crazy dysfunctional times as I thought I was.😧 Dreams are so weird.
Could be triggered with the current stress I'm under.
eyes - You will find understanding here. Yes, unless you kowtow to them completely, and even then, they will turn on you and slander you to others. I hope you are done with them. I am done with my sis. I agreed to be POA to mother as she needed someone, and although she and sis were "friends" she knew sis was after her money. Eventually some people.friends catch on. Mother is now 106 and not able to cause much trouble any more, but life long till a few years ago it was pretty bad.
glad - those guys are working hard. That dream does indicate that you are not as distanced as you would like to be, Aaaargh.
book - I have had those dreams. What stress are you under? I had awful nightmares when my thyroid was low and untreated.
cw -or we wake up because of the dream. Some I wanted to go back to sleep and see how they finished, but that never happens
madge - I hear you. It is going to take a while and a few will drop out, especially if it is not friendly to their devices
The nice denturist called and told me mother's dentures are relined and "installed". She said mother did not say they were better - did not respond to her asking if they fit OK. I said that probably means they are good. You only get a response when it is negative. She laughed.
The plumber came to install a new kitchen faucet - reeking of cigarette smoke and with his jeans hanging barely at 1/2 mast. His melange grey underwear was clearly visible. Better than the alternative, I know. I asked him what he had for me and he unpacked a faucet that had no resemblance to the one I have and had a shiny rather than the brushed finish I had requested. I had told the guy that runs the outfit I wanted a brushed finish and sent him a photo of my present faucet, and he assured me I could have one that was very similar, and gave me a price. Now he is saying one like mine would be more expensive. Not for me it won't. I will find someone else if I have to, or go and buy the faucet I want at the price I want it, and they, or someone else, can install it. It rarely is simple, is it?
Aaargh!!!
Time for some lunch and relaxation