The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Later that day when we went out she slid open the deck door at front near where we were sitting. I say dang I wish you had thought of that when we were locked out. Now the enemy had me thinking the oldest heard us ringing the bell but deep down I could see her with headphones with door closed. she didn't have a clue.

So of course the deck door is now locked so I went to the exercise room past the small garden with spider webs all over the pine tree and low and behold the door was open.

she had put the lock on the door! Its only on when everyone is to bed. She could have done that and we all could have been sleep when the parents got home and been locked out. I went up asked then knew the who did it and pulled off covers and popped her good on her thigh. The oldest was like they didn't hear bell I believe her and I will hold on to that because I need to.

the middle one cried and cried and then came down being fresh and smart, then came down and said her mother said bla bla.

now she is saying she is sorry. I think she knows her wrong. Would it be irresponsible and wrong for me not to tell her parent.

Okay, thanks for bearing with me. I have vented. I think I mentioned me teaching her the "Our Father" Prayer. So I told her in that prayer we ask God to forgive us as we forgive others. We had just had one of those special talks last night. So I told her I forgive her like in the prayer. but I would still tell her parents.

DDDuck,
Take a deep breath, you are ok.
Grandmothers with daughters-in-laws need a special suit of armor these days just to survive a short visit.
Sorry your feelings are hurt, and your family is acting poorly towards you, like schoolyard bullies. It is their ages, call it the age of disrespect.
You are not alone in this experience, there are actually support groups for grieving grandparents trying to figure out 'wha happened?'.
If I understand correctly, one was liking to be with you, until the other stopped her from going outside with you. It does not matter what they said, you know one likes you. Put aside your concerns over who said what, and just stand tall, as the mother of your son.
You can go to a hotel, or cut your visit short, but with silence and a smile.
Don't bother to try getting to the bottom of this, it's them, not you.
So many grandmothers are understanding you today.

Jules, don't count on it. It happened both times when my mom and then my dad 5 years later passed away. The funeral. And my 7 siblings... .I think you deserve the car BUT nothing was put in writing. Your nieces are greedy. Don't pay for the car. The nerve of them... But I'm not shocked. It's happened to me. And others. Accept. Wish karma on them. And walk away.

Sharyn, looks like your coworker is trying to get you fired. Best to watch your back and keep a check on that temper. Keep losing it, and you will end up looking bad to management. Avoid her. No more talking about health issues at work. Tell hubby that it's time to keep personal & your work life separately. No friendly chitchats, etc... And avoid her. Yes, yes, I did say that before.

WTF!!! Now she bring down my scarf that was on the coat hanger by the door.

A few mornings ago she was putting toothpaste (a lot) for two mornings I had to put it up higher in the cabinet. So when I did that the next morning I find my castile and shower gel containers missing frm the shower shelf. Yesterday when she woke I asked her about it, she denied it, when I bought it up infront of everyone she says let me go check.

I hate to wonder if she inherited that spiteful, vindictive spirit form my mother. I hate to wonder if I draw this type of behavior.

Geez!! Sneez!!! Maybe I need a lobotomy.

Bookluvr, "Wish Karma", I love it!!! You are absolutely right. I couldn't have said it better.

And,!! May I add don't feel bad when the karma hits because you have nothing to do with it.

Wow Send! Thanks.
I have so much to say about that subject. what made my trip so nice was that I thought these issues were out grown. I thought time heals all wounds.:) she called me and said I'm sorry when she was pregnant with this lil emp who locked the door. I said for what not really thinking as I walking home. I realized when she didn't or couldn't really answer.

One time when the oldest was about three she came and pulled the covers off me and said I had to go. So being raised with that mentality is embedded. Not only does it hurt me but it hurts her in the long run already evident in her social life as it is.

Maybe I will try and find one of those forums.

Duck, I think a little bit of family tension is normal when relatives come for extended visits, even when you love those relatives and welcome them as guests in your home you are having to make accommodations to your life and routine while they are there. You have a raw spot on your heart from the way you have been treated by your mother and sister so any spoken or implied rejection causes you pain, but don't assume the worst of your DIL and granddaughter.

I have decided to keep my mouth shut. Let it go. My little AMy was up and down the stairs all night. I hope it was the right thing to do. I don't think kids are chastised and corrected like I was back in the day. I would role my eyes or say something smart out ear and eye shot. lol.

On my job, a lot of young nurses usally late 20;s or mid thirties come and go. I notice with a lot of them a lack of boundaries and respect. One of the day nurses had an issue with the mother and wouldn't speak to her and disrespected her terribly. I was like how can you walk in someones house don't speak to them and disrespect them. I tried to give her advice and guidance but that girl was off the chain. I think its being spoiled or to put it simply my experience is that people that are like that are spoiled. My summation comes from my mother, my sister, my aunt. all self centered, vindictive, spiteful, jealous, hateful. You would not believe the things this aunt my mothers baby sister has done to her niece, Sham she used to curse out my grandmother, visits her dear demented sister maybe once yearly been over a year now. Had the nerve to tell me my tears at my grandmother's funeral were from guilt and called me all kinds of bi$$$chs
when she told me my mother didn't have dementia a few years back and I told her What you think, you the guru on aging matters now. I deleted her number sent it where I sent my sisters. I see her I speak we hug. That's it. I have learned a little something. I never had a problem dropping a person once the benefit of the doubt runs out which takes me forever. But then its a wrap.

Dang, this is life. I hope it gets better somewhere down the line. I worry about my mother, Ive lost her in a sense already, now I even miss that shell and the nice lady in it. She is my every thought when I wake up. What are we going to eat, what can I fix that she will eat. Ways to give her excitement, interest that I can handle. I cant walk with her. would love to but my mind is too busy to monitor out side. Every time I leave the house I am on a mission, not leisure. When I get back its wash clean cook feed. I gave my music system to my son because I couldn't play music at my mothers. I would be on the phone and she would come up stairs and yell at my door that she hears me.

I am sought of forgetting that mother because this one is so sweet most time even if she is difficult and makes a holy mess. But when issues come up like today. all this sh##$ in one day, I feel like the way I have been emotionally mentallyand sometimes physically treated has embedded this kick me I am a fool look and actions even if it not so inside and then I get the high hot head 0 - 100 anger and frustration. so good at hiding fear and pain and anger but tha wall is slowly crumbling.

I played this virtually reality game. Scary as all get out. The first highlight I screamed but it was cool. A young man came over last night and played it. He screamed and yelped and everytime he did the girls screamed too. It was a sight to see.

Well my friend M, whom we would have made a lovely couple except his crazy messed with my crazy sent me a text thanking me about something and stating I would not believe what he did. I am excited hoping it was something great because he was a good man.

Anyways everyone is asleep. I am up posting. Hoping to sleep a little late. My days get boring if we don't have an itinerary. Got plan for Wednesday, woman will supposedly get my zippers fixed on purse. I am not happy but its better than nothing.


Rays of love and light to you all.

Thanks Book. This girl thinks she is a savior. She literally followed me around the department pressing me to talk with her about my niece. She’s an expert in everything. Now all the work I’ve done to move through my nieces suicide, has been brought back to the surface. Next step will be to go to the store manager.

DDuck, she's 12, pre-teen, a Girl, they are All Brats at this age, especially if it is something that she thinks will get your goat! Let her silly antics go, she's finally getting comfortable with you and thinks these little pranks are funny. It's also summertime and she's getting bored, and as the eldest, having to always be looking out for the youngin. She probably doesn't even remember being bratty to you from previous visits.

My 9 year old Grandson Love to prank me and scare me, but he is doing it in fun and not maliciously in any way. I'll bet she is just getting comfortable with you and is getting a rile out of you. Just laugh it off, or her "pranks" will only get bigger and bigger. Just breathe and laugh it off.

Duck, Twelve year old girls are sometimes a pain the butt. Plus your grandchildren are the products of their environments. If you’ve had issues with DIL that might be involved as well. I may be too indulgent, but I tend to not comment on my grandchildren’s behavior unless it is dangerous, totally wrong, immoral or completely disrespectful. I’m not their parent and I’m not willing to give up the limited time I have with my grands to play behavior police. I have a 12 yr old grandson whose middle name could be prankster. My 10 yr old granddaughter can be a smart mouth sometimes.

jules - welcome and I think you are right. You deserve some compensation. However, what we see again and again is that promises are made and then broken when it doesn't suit some family members to keep them. I am so sorry you are experiencing this and their greed at what they want for selling you the car.

sharyn -some of the photos I have seen of those fires are remind me of here 2 years ago. The damage is horrendous.Your grands are soooo cute!!! Such a good move to be close to them. Hope the manager has dealt with that nosy lady. She is the last aggravation you need. Not her business! Drama queen!!!

glad - Yay furnace!!! I am glad we don't have goat heads here.

duck - chill!!! as others have said - long visits can bring tensions, and kids will be kids. The girls are heading into some tricky times age wise and it will probably get worse. From the way you were writing at first I thought you were back home already.

Finally the new faucet arrived and it got installed this afternoon. The hose on the old one was decomposing or something. Gone are the days when you could fix your faucet with a new washer! Finally the skin allergies/rashes have calmed down and my gut too. Since last week I have no interest in eating meat, which is very unusual for me. Veggies, fruits and a few grains and nuts are working well.

Had a good chat with dd who seems to have a better handle on what I go through with the CFS/FM. I said I had talked with one of her bros and he is willing to help with POA stuff. I don't want to saddle anyone of my kids with what I, at my age, have been saddled with. Someone in their generation should have been appointed with me as co POA. No one knows what health issues they will develop as they age. Their dad was a bit younger than me and he is gone already as of a few years ago. Mind you, for much of his life, he did not have a healthy lifestyle. Their grandma on that side lived into her 90s, but had AD for about 20 years. I don't want to appoint a POA who will get dementia while I am still alive! Maybe the grands should be involved at some point. Aaargh, the problems of a long lived family! Of course, I may not live that long. It is a cr*p shoot. Need to talk to middle son as well, but he seems to have cut himself off from the rest of us largely. I can't worry about it - his choices for his reasons and he is entitled to them.

I think I am gearing up for another major sort, sell and toss session. I know I need to. Dd has a friend who is going through a break up and could use some cash, so she may be able to help with cleaning and more.

Yesterday evening I went for a walk down the freshly mowed back corridors between the houses here. It is a well established neighbourhood, so gardens are developed and trees are mature. It was so peaceful and the smell of the newly cut grass was delicious! Must go out again and see if anyone has any raspberries peeking through their fence,

Take care all - get yourself a treat!

Thank you CWillie, that is solid advice I will adhere to.

With a mother like mine, I am definitely conscious of my interruption as a visitor.

I do all I can to make myself useful. My DL is a baker and getting a lot of business here making cakes. I wash most if not all of her gadgets, fold clothes, clean cover a lot of the groceries and splurged a lot on dinning out. I try and make my self useful wherever I go even if its for a few minutes.

This last few days, they wont let me pay for anything but I still find a way to contribute.

After venting and getting feedback from you and send, I feel much better and my DL has really not shown any tiredness or shade.

At one point I had a lot of jealousy in my heart for a while. When first one was born her mother stayed with them for months and when she left the aunt and her family came and stayed. So I couldn't see my way there to see my first grand for a while. One time after about six months the whole crew came while I was there. Then of course the grand gravitated to them. It was like I could not have a visit with them to myself. Then later I couldn't afford to visit if I wanted, as I wasn't working. My son flew me down a few times.

I just wanted time to myself to get to know them and for them to get to know me. To do things like I did with my son and nephews while I still can.

Now I also felt better because the oldest told the MiddGRan to apologize. I told her it was nice of her and told her I would probably not say anything and for her not to say anything, I knew deep down that would cause a breach in someway in how far we have come with these past issues.

Two more nights and I will be on my way to a real hell hole.

Thanks for the encouragement and I will not let these incidents spoil my trip. I plan to give my gran a big hug and let her know I love her. (with her bad butt!, lol)

Golden, the more I think about it, the more I think she did it on purpose. A blind sided BPD attack. Maybe I’m thinking too much about it, but I don’t want her anywhere near me

Wow!!! thanks everyone, each and everyone has given me awesome advice. Thanks for bringing me back down to earth. I appreciate every word and thought.
Dang!! I feel so much better and motivated. Thanks for the perspective.

I probably wont see them for another year and a half or so. They have two more years here. I am going to spend my last two days giving love and embracing my grands , enjoying my family.

Hug, hug, hug, Hug,

Hey all. Another fly-by. I have been flitting in and out of the forum. Hard to focus. Things have been super chaotic. Home support is.....well that's a story for another day, but services (that the agency is getting money for) are being cut.....not just from us either. (I've begun a formal complaint to the Patient Care Quality Board. Plus I privately tipped an old friend at the newspaper.) So the service cuts are making my life really difficult, because I have to pick up the slack.

And today my brother and I talked....we're making the decision to stop mom's dialysis.

It's only a matter of luck and time (possibly days, possibly a few weeks) before she ends up hospitalized, and then we'd end up making the decision anyway. If we make the decision now, we should avoid hospitalization, which would be the absolute worst for mom. (Chaos, contagion, constant noise, zero privacy, and just not a comfortable or homey situation AT ALL. She wouldn't even get a private room, the hospital is practically overflowing. No bloody dignity or peace of mind to be had THERE.) But you have to stop treatment (dialysis) before you can qualify for hospice....BUT there is a "short wait" (no idea what that looks like) for an available hospice bed. So if we make the decision, the renal unit will continue maintenance dialysis while they begin the process of getting mom a hospice bed.

Mom is very sick. Worsening weekly, maybe daily. Dialysis is not really helping anymore. It's making her sicker. She can't walk, she sleeps most of the time, she's barely aware, she is in pain, and she just feels terrible all the time. The nephrologist and renal nurse seriously wanted to hospitalize her today, and I was like.....I was tempted, because this is all so stressful and chaotic. But they said if she's hospitalized, she probably won't come home again. So I said NO. I said I was taking her home and that I couldn't make any decisions before I talked to my brother.

The selfish part of me is like.....I knew....I KNEW when I booked this gig....that this was when the sh** was going to hit the fan. I KNEW IT. I was so flipping ANGRY this evening. Angry at mom, angry at the renal unit....all quite unreasonable anger.....inside my head, I was being an a**hole. ("NOW? You're going to get sick and die NOW? You all have to dump this on me right NOW?") I was fortunately able to contain the thoughts and I think I'm almost over it. Yes, we're going ahead with the Joni Mitchell gig. The hell we're not going to do this on Wednesday, after all the work we've put in.

I keep accidentally biting my tongue or the inside of my mouth. Then I have to use benzocaine lozenges to numb my mouth so I can sing.....

EDIT: oh, oh oh.....the funny thing is mom finally got a gold star on her bloodwork report from the renal dietician today. Apparently I've finally figured out how to get mom to eat properly for her kidney disease. The irony is almost hysterical.

The show must go on, Dorianne.

The trouble with biting anything inside your mouth is that it swells and then it's bigger and in the way so you keep biting it, dang, ow!!! Could try a bit of a rub with some dissolved soluble aspirin on it? Might make it sit down and hush.

Can you arrange some kind of radio silence for when you're out at rehearsals and the concert? This might be completely crazy, but could bro come and mother-sit..? I'm not sure why I feel a lunatic even asking that?

It's a very good thing to be clear in your own minds, and to have a consensus. Well done to both of you.

CM - Thanks.....I kind of knew bro and I would be on the same page, but it's nice not to have to take full responsibility for the decision. No, I would not ask bro to drive 4 hours here and 4 hours back (on a radiator-murdering STEEP mountain highway* in the hottest part of summer), in the middle of his work week, to fill in for me while I sing in the park for a couple of hours.

*Edit: the Coquihalla Highway summit is 1244m/4081ft - I just looked it up, lol. And he'd be driving pretty much from sea level (Vancouver). That summit nearly killed my old Tempo two summers in a row. Old family joke: if Valhalla is Viking heaven then Coquihalla is Viking hell.

Better than that, though.....best guy friend is going to take over for me. All I have to do Wednesday is get mom to dialysis. We'll trade vehicles and he'll pick mom up, bring her back here, and stay with her till I get back. That frees up my afternoon to gather up my gear, mess around with my wardrobe and makeup, warm up my voice, and arrive calmly at the gig. I trust BGF more than I trust just about anyone with mom. (He even insisted on doing a run-through last Wednesday, picking up mom, practicing transferring her, and bringing her back here, with me in the back seat of my own vehicle!!)

We have one more rehearsal tomorrow, during my respite break. Problem is I don't know if the respite will be as scheduled, or moved around time-wise, or cut short altogether. (It was shifted AND cut back last Tuesday, without notice.) So I've got to phone them first thing in the morning, find out what to expect, and then if need-be, we can rehearse here.

Good grief! A guy friend who is willing to help AND plans it properly? What are you putting in the water in Canada???

Here we go again. BIL and SIL are going on vacation for 10 days, and leaving FIL home alone again.. with his home care person at 3 hrs a day EOD... He is on O2, uses a walker and is very short of breath. SO he wants hubs and I to take him to the river house for some of that time.. Cousin is getting leary of bringing him and helping because he is afraid something will happen and he will get the blame ( even if we are there) and FIL has no clue about my job and my hours, and thinks my Mom is still as spry as a 60 YO ( Hey,, that's hubs and I..) We can't really have him here as we have steps, and honestly we'd go insane... 2 elders to run herd over and manage pills, etc. He keeps going on about how the CG costs him $50 a day, and how he NEEDS to know in advance so he can cancel her.. does not get that we don't know about the weather, etc this far in advance.. I feel like the BIL and SIL should be paying for someone with him out of their pocket.. they made the deal with him,, to take care of him in return for him buying a house and paying all the bills ( yes he pays ALL the bills for them.. and SIL works as a teacher and they rent out their previous house) He asked them why he can't go along ( as he knows we take Mom and Aunt on all our trips) and they told him they need a vacation FROM him! I get that, I really do.. but how cruel! He is 94 and they take him nowhere... At least we try to get him out to the casino and the river once in awhile,,

Oh Pam, I’m so sorry. You definitely do not need the addition of FIL to your house with your mom, job, etc. I agree totally that BIL and SIL should be responsible for paying for CG since he paid for the house and the bills. They need to step up and carry thru on that part of their deal with FIL. But, I can’t blame FIL for wanting to stay with those who take him out.

Sharyn, if this meddling coworker has BPD or NPD (sort of sounds like NPD to me, the way she wants to be involved in "advising" you on personal issues), best thing is to steer clear and stay overly professional. I don't think I'm saying anything you don't already know... but it helps to have someone else's objective advice sometimes.

I have a young coworker who has BPD. She knows she has it, is in therapy. She still triangulates me constantly into little power struggles at work, or just is overly gossipy. I keep it friendly with her, and I genuinely like her a lot!! But I don't play her games. I remind her of her job duties often, when she starts heading down a path of blaming others for things at work, or accusing the owners of doing things to undermine the employees. So... if you're up for it... perhaps you can be a good influence on keeping this coworker in check. When they approach you to discuss things outside the scope of work, remind them that you're on company time and also you're not interested in having that discussion with her.

If she persists, I suppose you'll have to take it to HR/manager. I'm just wondering if you can't steer her towards being more productive, while also keeping yourself out of the DRAMA she seems intent on creating.

It's definitely not your duty to deal with this kind of thing at work. I just wanted you to know I can sort of relate, and I'm dealing with my BPD coworker pretty well, I think. But my coworker knows she has BPD and so it's easier to point out to her when she's off track. If your coworker is NPD, I don't think you can convince her that she's the problem here. Good luck with finding a good resolution to this.

I was wondering if I should post here or on the Whine Moment thread. I guess this is in a way a whine having to do with my dysfunctional family, so here it goes.

Yesterday was a very trying, just overall stressful day. Judgment was issued by guardianship court on mom's behalf for the amount my sister stole from her savings account while the guardianship proceedings were still going on. Not that I will be able to collect (sis has no assets, and has probably blown through it by now, knowing her), but important to have it on record in case I need to apply for Medicaid for mom.

Long story short, sis brought my grandmother (mom's NPD mother) and mom's brother, who does his mother's bidding. None of them think the stealing, emotional and physical abuse sis put mom through is a problem.

Abuse in mom's side of the family I think is accepted as the norm, always has been, which is why we never had peaceful holidays growing up. Always ended with people not speaking, or people about coming to blows, or in shouting matches. Took me years with my hubs and kids starting our own traditions and trying to break out of unhealthy family drama to finally start enjoying Christmas or Thanksgiving. Hubs has some crazy family members here and there, but I don't think he had a clue what he married into when we said our vows 17 years ago. I did try to warn him lol

The court thing is, I guess, a small victory, but I just feel mostly sad about the whole ordeal. I just wish my family weren't so screwed up. Mom is no picnic to deal with either, by the way, but I don't know, I guess I still feel the responsibility for her well-being. Legally as her guardian, I am responsible, but I mean emotionally even if I wasn't guardian, I've always felt like I had to be the parent.

So many times I could've kicked myself for not walking away altogether or for even getting involved along this crazy journey, that's how frustrated I get. I did finally figure out that her living with us wasn't going to work (she is in a nice facility now). I know I did the right thing by her through all this, but it's just sad, is still the only word I can think of that adequately describes it all.

Pam, is BIL and SIL related to your hubby? If yes, then it's really hubby who needs to have a serious talk with his brother (?)…. Decades ago, when my mom was just diagnosed with dementia in the early years, she was sundowning a lot. And violent. My oldest brother's wife had the nerve to tell me and my sister that we should lock mom up in her bedroom. Sis blew up and yelled at SIL that she is not family and has no right to tell us to lock our own mother up. My brother ordered us out of his home. Decades later, I still think it was wrong for a non-blood family member to tell us that we should lock our mother in our room. It would have been better if it came from our brother.

I think this is the same situation with your FIL. Your hubby is the one to remind his brother of the agreement and how they are failing it. By Not keeping to the agreement, they are now 'abusing an elderly' financially in that they are using his money for their new home and bills, yet they are renting out their own home. All the money is going to them. Nothing is going to him. It's abuse. They are just like those scam callers preying on elderlies - except this is family doing it and not strangers....

Oh Pam, how sad.

I can't see its being a good idea for you and your husband to uproot the old man even for a nice reason. Wouldn't it be better for one or both of you to go over and visit him a couple of times to raise his spirits?

There comes a point where venturing out of the house is only really safe with the support of the main caregivers. You can think of SO many well-intentioned "let's have mother for Christmas" type treats that end up in broken hips or medication mix-ups.

And I agree with you about getting that they do need a break - from him! I hope they put that "jokingly" (many a true word spoken in jest, after all), and I'm sure he does see the point, but I expect he'd probably like to get out from four walls too. Would there be an opportunity (and space) for them to come with him to the river house later on?

sharyn - she sounds like she has serious mental health issues and definitely wants to be the center of things. I agree that distance from her is best and detach if you can. You are still dealing with your niece's death, your bro is waiting for a lung transplant - that is a lot for anyone to deal with, I hope your dd knows well enough to cut off any conversation with her about you. Practice some "pat" answers if she comes at you again, or ignore her questions and speak to the manager if she persists. She is very invasive and totally over the line. You are business co workers - nothing else and all conversation should be on work and nothing else.

Draw firm boundaries with her, Her behaviour is inappropriate. I have had some success with scam phone calls by asking them to repeat their questions."What was that you said?" "I didn't get that - could you repeat it? Did you just say...? and so on. It throws them off base. Then, after I have gotten them to repeat their questions several times, I say that I am not interested, I don't wish to discuss it etc and say goodbye and hang up. It means that I have taken control of the conversation away from them. Good luck