The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

dori - sorry to hear about your mum and less support just when you need it most. Awesome that you and your bro are on the same page. It does sound like the time for hospice is here.
Yes it WILL happen that week amd you are NOT an a**h*le. I can see myself feeling the same way in a similar situation, I am glad the gig will go on and BGF is a treasure! Bless him. The irony about her diet is huge!!!! Enjoy singing in the park. It will be a great break for you as things with mum are changing for the worse. ((((((hugs))))))

cm -for the record, R looked after the heavy work in 4 of mother's 5 moves (he couldn't get away from work one time) in the last few years. He also came up here post fire and dealt with the house issues - insurance people, the rotten meat, tossed one fridge , a ash covered bed etc. I don't know what I would have done without him. He says - neighbours look after neighbours - the farm culture. It is one of the reasons he is still around. I can count on him for stuff like that. And mother likes him...

ali - sounds like you are doing well with your coworker, Self awareness of BPD is huge!!!.

PamZ - Oh my the drama rolls on. To me it sounds like bil and sil and taking advantage of their situation and not giving back what they should. They made the deal to look after him for all these perks. Part of looking after him is care when they are away. It doesn't sound like he should be alone that much, and that he could use some entertainment.

Frazzled - glad the judgement went the right way but it is cold comfort as you won't see any of it. I know what you mean about abuse being the norm, and holidays being a mess. You have done the right thing by putting your mum in a facility. I understand wishing you had not been involved it all. Me too, but someone had to do it, and there wasn't anyone else. ((((hugs)))))

Mother's xray showed nothing. I talked with the Director of Care yesterday and about the meds. and the plan made about Christmas time to remove risperdal, monitor mother and return to it, if needed I pulled the I have a Masters in Physiology blah blah blah thing and told her that is my very strong view that we should not try other antidepressants, but go back to the original plan and meds regime she had when she came as it was working well for her. The DOC asked if I wanted the doc to call me. I answered that last time I did, I got no call, and if he agrees with my assessment, and puts her back on the original meds, I don't need a call; however, if he disagrees I do want a call. She heard me. We will see.

Love my new faucet, though the hose is not as long. But I will manage.

I am on my second week of no meat and doing fine. I am eating fermented food -think kimchi and pickles - and enjoying seasonal fruits and veggies, legumes, nuts and a few grains. I have a feeling I am done with red meat. but may add sea food eventually. I will still cook it for R as the need arises,

Have a good one and be good to you.

Ali, I appreciate your thoughts and am glad you are handling the situation you work in. i believe this is a bit more than work place drama. What angers me is she refused to respect my boundaries when I told her I do not want to talk about it at work and I walked away. 3 times I told her and walked away but she followed me. I had every right to tell her off. The department manager was there and did nothing. This girl asked me about me health a week ago last Tuesday. Then on Friday she went to my daughter. She claimed she was asking because our department manager was concerned about me. After I texted her on Friday informing her she was violating HIPPA laws, she comes into work on Saturday to continue her quest on her day off. I have never talked with her or any other co workers about my personal life. I am professional at work other than some joking from time to time.

Anyway i I appreciate your post and I do know how to handle her. She just angered me beyond reason. This has been a rough week as tomorrow is my nieces birthday. I will get through it, I have my way of grieving without imposing on others.

Have a a good evening everyone.

Thank you Ali. I tried to give a condensed version the first time but it didn’t explain it well enough. I love my manager but she is too laid back with the attitude it’s between me and this girl to handle. It knocked me off my beatings but next time I will leave the department. Thank you again (((Hugs)))!!!

Yes it is my hubs brother,, and hubs has spoken to him, and they have all been back and forth to the lawyer several times. Nothing ever changes.. we really feel this is all about the money and they never figured the parents would live this long. The river house is owned by FIL, maintained by us.. and it's pretty safe for him once we get him there. We even have a safe way to get him out on the float boat to fish, which he loves. The bathroom he uses we have modified ( for Mom) but he only uses the toilet . We have spoken to FIL about going into AL at the same place MIL is in,, he thinks its a great place.. but he wants to stay in his own house,, which I understand. No way can he move here permanently,, although he has mentioned how "great" that would be.. We will be going to isit him, and get him out a bit. If not the river,, he and Mom both love the casino. We go during the day when it's not crowded, And no, they are not interested in coming to the river... it's too "low class" for them.. LOL Plus if they bring him, they don't get away from him. My SIL ignores him completely to hear him tell it

I really relate to this topic as our family is definitely dysfunctional. There are six of us siblings in my family and yet taking care of my brother is what I choose to do. What really gets me is that my other siblings don't come to spend quality time with him. Granted one of our other siblings is currently fighting stage four cancer on the other side of the country. I understand why she can't be here, but I absolutely feel angry that the others don't make the time to visit for more than a few minutes. And yet they can ask me to show him pictures of them so he will remember them? Seriously??? What I'd really like to say is NO, if you want him to remember you...do the right thing and SHOW UP! SPEND QUALITY TIME LOOKING AT OLD PHOTO ALBUMS! And maybe while they're here I could go to the store to get his supplies like depends/wipes and such.... I understand everyone deals with things differently but it's just beyond my comprehension or understanding. I hear things like "I just can't handle watching him slipping away" I'm just shaking my head.... in disbelief that they can just walk away from him...but I'm told it happens more often than I think. What ever happened to being there for family? And then they say something really stupid like, "when I get sick and need someone to take care of me will you do it for me too?" Uhggg really???

love - we understand - it seems to be the norm here. I don't know what to say about sibs like that. Mine visits mother, at least, but she wants all the inheritance too, though I am the one on the spot to do the work. It is so frustrating. I hope you get a break sometimes and have some help. It is not a one person job.

Whew! Been working behind the scenes to get some ideas to the older couple R stays with. I told R that they need POA medical and financial as if one gets incapacitated without that in place it becomes very difficult to do business and they have land they want to sell. He is a heavy smoker and drinker and was a walking health crisis waiting to happen. R helps her with financial stuff anyway, as she had a stroke a few years ago which has affected her hearing. R had started communicating with them about future planning. then a couple of days ago -the health crisis happened, The old guy got sick, had to go to ER, and from there to intensive care and it doesn't look good at all.

Tonight R called and they got both POAs signed. This man, who often is very bad tempered, was cooperative, and thankful for the help. They were able to discuss all the necessary arrangements, He knows he doesn't have much time left.

What a relief to have this done. Now they need to be done for the wife too, and R will have to be agent for her as well, as one son is an alcoholic like his dad and the other is handicapped and distanced from the family. R has been a great support for her, and now will be for both of them, and is someone she can lean on as she goes through the next few months and longer. They have had no plans for their old age and I had been saying to R that the day is coming when she will not be able to manage her current life on the acreage (not a small one) and she needs to think ahead what she wants to do - where she wants to go. Living out on the boondocks in your late 70s and 80s is not the best. But next step is to take the POA financial document to the bank and make sure they recognise it and make any adjustments if needed. What a relief to get this done and only in the nick of time. Good job, R!!! The info and awareness I have gotten from A/C and been able to pass on to him has been a great help.

Love, yes it is so baffling to me..............and I'll never wrap my head around my siblings either. The lack of empathy, the disinterest, the selfishness. Especially since my own dear mom was one of the sweetest, kindest human beings I ever met.

When my Mom was laying dying in the hospital her last week of life my narc sister phoned me up and told me "I just spent 20 minutes with Mom" She was actually proud of this fact. A whole 20 minutes. Wow, boggles the mind.

One thing I do know for sure is I have to not think about this anymore cause first of all it's dwelling on something that was what it was and second, it just causes me heartburn and thinking about it is a waste of time. Plus, I don't think it's healthy for me to harbor resentment anymore. I need to let it go. Mind you, this is me saying this three years after Mom's death. Those of you who are still experiencing this, my heart goes out to you. Keep doing the right thing and try not to think about your selfish siblings. I know it's easier said than done but it will benefit you in the long run.

I think it was Susan, wasn't it, whose cousins so admired how well she cared for her mother right up until the end of her life that their brilliant idea for her future was that she could then move on to doing the same for her aunt. I'm sure they meant the proposal well, but the way they put it to her was quite fantastically offensive. Along the lines of "you're such a good and caring person, we thought you'd love to do this and we'll even throw in pocket money." I remember we were all relieved that she was able to tell them to take a running jump.

I expect there is self-justification involved. In absentees' eyes, caregivers don't mind seeing their loved ones decline; they're cool with commodes and bed baths and pressure sores; their special brains aren't troubled by repetitive questioning for hours on end. So it's not that caregivers hate these things just as much but get over it and do the job anyway, it's that they're somehow more serviceable people, designed like that by God perhaps, and it's not the absentees' fault that they're just "not cut out" for it.

"Your brother finds it so depressing to see your mother like that." And I don't?
"I hate hospitals!" Really? That's funny - mother simply adores being in them.
"I only get one day off a week." I only get three hours off a week. Wanna swap?

Gershun - you are so right. Need to drop it. It's just that it's comes up so often, and it's so infuriating!

Lovelight, I chuckled when mentioned "when I get sick and need someone to take care of me will you do it for me too?" .. My oldest brother of next door was rarely there for our parents. We would have BBQ and the table was set in our parents' front porch. But bro, his wife and grown up children would not enter the house to atleast greet our parents.... My mom was diagnosed with dementia in her early 50's. She became bedridden 15 years after diagnosis. And was bedridden for at least 13 more years. She died at age 79. Around that time, my brother was going through some health issues that I wasn't aware of. He suddenly told me, note TOLD me that when his health gets bad, that I would be taking care of him. .. Nope! I told him. That's your wife and daughter's responsibility... Can you believe that?! Yes, I'm sure you all do. Dysfunctional, weird family...

Thank you Golden. Good idea! Just say can you hold that thought, I have to go to produce for tomatoes. If she starts again, oh dang! I forgot the onions and so on until she stops. One cannot have a normal conversation with her because she has to 1 up whoever she talks with. The need to be very important is a driving component with her.

Thank you!

I am unaware,being the oldest of 7 siblings,(3 deceased,and I am 67) and believe,I am young and vibrant,in my outlook on life,as well as being a caretaker,and recently losing my father and sister,age 53.I am revisiting the Awareness of the word family dysfunction,and am grateful for this site, in allowing me to write and reveal publically,it’s familial existence,big time!! Secrets keep us secrets,and family systems do not support such personal revelations,thus my gratitude,for allowing me to safely come out,as a dysfunctional family revelation,on such “safe” sounding boards that exist ,namely this site,,Thank you.and how it applies to me,as I own partnership 100% in that definitive title!! I add this now,after days ago,burying another sibling,of something I experienced,many years ago,on mission of a lifetime.As a volunteer in a 3 rd world country,in the area of education etc.( and no I am not a missionary) I kept asking continually,why are so many individuals and families grateful and happy amidst their poverty living conditions medically and personally,beyond what any of us will ever experience in the USA.I lived with them,and was continually struck by their often everyday feeling of gratitude( and plz note I amnotfocusing on a Pollyanna type attitude) , , their answer I put aside and every now and then,when I am not 100 % overwhelmed and dis outraged which I fe tequently a, as a current caregiver is this.... I The US ,so much focus is put forth on what we and others WANT,but little focus is admitted on what we actually a NEED.I write this not to ever discredit,or disregard what everyone writes including myself,and shares,in pain,exhaustion, challenges,,anxiety,depression,aloneness etc.and etc.but just to share a flashback on Want vs.feal need,for our loved ones,and for ourselves as caregivers.So often in my personal-family experiences,and as a past and current caregiver,Want vs Need,is something that takes courage to recognize and move forward with.Thank you for allowing me,to share my thoughts and experiences.

Thank you, Gershun, for being unflinchingly honest about how lonnnnng it can take to pull our heads out of “the hole.” It ain’t over til it’s over..... and then new crud comes knocking. Frequently, it is not a linear journey to “OK.” And that’s OK!

I'm nothing if not "unflinchingly honest" Blackhole. It does get me into trouble sometimes though but I have a hard time biting my tongue, especially when it's a topic that resonates with me. Maybe I should change my name to Unflinchingly Honest on here and then people can read me at their own risk. If I come with a warning then no one can get mad at me anymore. :)

The Viking must sense it's getting close to her birthday- she asked if it was tomorrow
I said, no in another month but we'll need to start planning the party and she replied
yes you do

MsMadge, the Viking is expecting you to plan her party, lol! I think planning a party would be fun in a memory care facility.

MsMadge,
Look on the MC calendar of events, plan the party to coincide with that event, tell her it is all for her birthday, everybody came. Save a bundle, and buy ice cream for. e v e r y b o d y . Party done.

Send
you’re wickedly clever
the big end of summer shindig is a few days before her birthday

sharyn
I was trying to think how to get a piñata for the party but not sure it would break with using foam noodles instead of a bat 😂

Madge, a pinata would be a scream to watch in an Elder care facility but would't it be awful if poor eyesight and secret grudges came out of the woodwork. It might end up becoming a free for all.

I’m definitely getting a piñata then🤣

Haha, a piñata!

Poor California, the fires just don’t end. My childhood camping grounds is now under advisory evacuation due to the Clark Fork fire on highway 108. So sad they cut resources and no controlled burning has been done in years. Fires here in Idaho too. We have had smoke coverage but not as bad as last year so far. I’m hoping we can take a day next month to go to Stanley and McCall when the colors start to change.


Hoping everyone is well and the weekend is restful.

Sharyn, The fires are terrible. My cousin has been working at a children’s camp near Yosemite. The camp was evacuated Thursday. So her summer job is over 4 weeks early. She had to leave behind everything she could not get in her backpack. But better safe than sorry. She called me last night and said her asthma had been terrible because of the smoke. So sad. Loss of lives, homes, businesses, wildlife, and forests. But better safe than sorry with evacuation.

Becky, I’m glad your cousin got out safely! That fire has been a rough one to battle. The Redding fire is the worst (Northern California). My prayers for all the fire fighters everywhere.

Lazy Sunday here, lol!

My heart goes out to all those affected by the fire. I remember some of Golden's post about on going effects during and as a result of these fires.

Ms. Madge, I hope the Viking had a lovely birthday, if I know its out the box but since she is aware of her birthday being near, shoot off some fireworks. I happened to see a pack in store and my son bought them and shot them off for his birthday, it was awesome. Only 15 dollars for a nice show. They are illegal here in NYC.

The last few days of my trip to Korea were just wonderful. Thanks again for helping me get on right track. I was determined to embrace the love and happiness and I did. I almost didn't want to leave. The first two weeks were filled non-stop we went to a resort which is where my son shot fireworks on the beach suncruise resort, shopping trips, zoo and traveled a few hours to reach all. Had fun in the car singing. Made up a song when one hotel we stayed in didn't have wifi. It was the first one we stayed at and where I learned the hotels did not have ice machines. I was done in, as I love ice, and ice water, the the room didn't look anything like the pictures and the DL was getting on her husband, and hoping he didn't tell anyone to go there. He was like its okay. they have a chat line with other families who are stationed in Korea and give tips about just about everything. We ate out so many times and the food was delicious. the first week everytihing I ate shocked my taste buds with goodness. LOL. I love to eat!

My trip back was great. I met a veteran in restaurant in airport and ended up sitting next to him and his wife on flight to las vegas. We had good talk and good time. he was living in Thailand and told me a lot about it when I told him it was supposed to be part of my trip. but due to season the tickets were to high for my son to pay for 5. He plans to go at another time. And if God willing I make it there the next thanksgiving he is planning a trip to JE Ju Island or something like that. Then I met an
American school teacher who has been living in China for 3 years teaching English.

I had 5hour layover in Vegas and took cab to check it out. Its nice I lost then won enough to cover loses and a 21dollar hamburger and drinks, then last half hour at airport I lost a little. It was fun.

Flight to new York was good.

I was so happy to see my mother that when I hugged her I almost started to cry.
It was hard for her to speak a clear sentence but what she said was similar to where was I so long.

The table was down, I guess they didn't know how to set the leg in the bracket. I had been in the market for a while. My convection oven was on its side in front of the sink. The dish rack was off the sink on its side on a storage container and the freezer was filled with ice accumulation. And un eaten meal on wheels were just tossed in. Other wise it was decent. I felt like I would be blamed for a lot expecially the roaches which were building up again when I left. My order for combat and mouse poison I use was lost and I am waiting for a refund. meanwhile the roach situation is bad, worse. A can of raid was in there almost empty.

Looks like my mother had on same thing as when I left. Its hard to get her tobathe and change. The block party was the next day so when she saw the commotion I told her to get dress so I could take her out.

I know I write books, thanks for bearing with my long posts.

Well my mother sat outside and was really good. I was in and out grocery shopping and picking up a two medium tables similar to card tables. I met up with a few friends who helped with the grill and we had a really nice time.

I was very grateful. I wish I didn't expect the worse all the time. But I know my history and experience lead me to think this way. I have to work on trying not to worry so much.

My cousin, Sham is having a reveal party for her daughter this coming Saturday. I will stop by for support.

Back to work, had to restock and unpack supplies from last month delivery. New delivery is tomorrow so I will be good and busy tomorrow night.

God Bless You All!!
Rays of Love Peace and Happiness to you all.

Duck, forget Combat. Order Advion Disks from Amazon.

Hey all, another fly-by update. I don't really know where to put these in the forum but I feel at least I belong in this thread.....

I signed the hospice papers Friday. Looks like mom will probably go into hospice August 13. They don't stop dialysis until she's in hospice.

The new seniors' wellness centre, where the home health nurses have their offices, is in a shopping mall. Good location for a seniors' health and wellness clinic. Really weird location to have to go in and fill out hospice paperwork. I had to run out to the car and try not to cry before I slammed the door shut.

Mom is deteriorating rapidly. She's like a trusting little child at this point. She is pretty much bedridden, or couch-ridden. Can't walk, can't transfer herself. Some of the home support workers won't try, even though she can do it with enough assistance. She's barely functional at all, though. I know it must be time. It's just....ugh.

When I first discussed stopping dialysis with bro, he asked if I wanted him to come up. I said yes, of course. I guess I made assumptions.....I thought he was going to come and help me with the transition. No. He's coming for one night, on Thursday this week. I hope he doesn't make me watch more Star Wars. I have Wonder Woman on Blu-Ray now....I might make him watch that instead. Mom read the comics in the 1940s. I did take her when it was in the theatre, but she might enjoy it again.

I haven't told mom's sister or my cousin. I hate them both, I don't want them to come here. I guess I'll have to tell them soon though. I might wait till she's in hospice. I don't want them in mom's apartment under any circumstances. At least once mom is in hospice they'll have no justification for needing to come through the door. They'll have to get a hotel - there's no beds here except mine, and the hospital bed (which will have to go back anyway as it's on loan from the palliative program).

I also haven't told any of her friends in Vancouver. I must do that soon too. I don't want any of them to tell her sister, though, and a couple of them are old gossips who've been attached (like chewing gum on my shoe) to the family since grandad's heyday. So I guess I'm waiting on hospice for that as well.

The apartment has descended into chaos. I have just run out of f***s to give. BFF is coming over Wednesday to help me bring it down to a dull roar at least, before bro comes up. Not sure why I care, but it is pretty out of control.

I'm overwhelmed at the thought of dealing with mom's apartment, and getting my own things back home. I don't have the energy, and with my injury, I don't have the physical ability either. I know I can count on my friends to get my stuff home, at least. (I've been here over a year - I've moved in a lot of personal stuff.) I'm not really sure what I'll do with mom's things. Mom owns the apartment, so I guess I won't have to deal with it right away, anyway.

I do believe the home support agency has learned about my formal complaint to the health authority. Suddenly almost all of our services are back to their regular allocated times (though they're still allowed to tinker with my respite), and the receptionist is just barely civil to me on the phone. Not my problem - we're almost done with them anyway. I do believe the managers are cooking the books, especially from what the workers have told me, and I sincerely hope they get caught. Private businesses taking taxpayer money for services not provided, and leaving seniors neglected, really is the lowest of the low.

I cried nine times on Friday. I had a blistering headache on Saturday. I felt sick today. The headache is creeping back in.

Dori, take it one step at a time. You did great in fighting for those services for your mom. Yes, it's a shame that they take the money but don't do the service. Once you no longer need their services, be straight forward when someone mentions them. Bring up both the positive and the negative - so that people know that you're being fair (and not just bitter against the company.)

DDDuck, I'm so glad that you had fun. You deserved to be spoiled. And one day, you will travel again. Use that as a goal whenever you feel like life / caregiving is pulling you down, drowning.

Dori
You are taking all the right steps. Don't worry about others, or things. Rest today, so you can focus on mom. Everything else can wait.

Hugs

I'm stressed out and just need to vent. I am just sick to death of this whole dysfunctional mess. The only reason I'm still in it is to help my mom, although I don't even know how successful I am at that.

I mentioned that the judge entered a judgment on mom's behalf for money that my sister stole from mom's savings while the guardianship proceedings were going on. Technically, her attorney has 60 days to submit additional documentation or the judgment stands.

Also, while this was going on my sister had mom add her to her house deed a day after mom was discharged from the mental hospital last October. Mom said my sister bullied and threatened her into doing this. But mom refuses to talk to her own attorney to tell him this. So anyway, all of this is still on the table.

My sister had brought mom's NPD mother and brother to the hearing last week, and their attorney is now demanding that they be able to see mom. I have expressed concerns about this because I got mom out of a physically abusive situation with my sister, and mom's mother and brother berate mom too and really don't have anything kind to say to her most of the time, never have. Mom's brother is also a physically violent person at times, don't know about toward mom, but definitely toward others in the family. None of them since I have been mom's guardian have asked how mom is doing. They only bring up that "I won't let them see mom" around court time. None of them has ever ASKED to see mom!

Today mom's attorney went up to her facility to visit with her to get a clearer idea of what she wants to do. Mom went berserk and said she didn't want to talk to him. She said, "What's done is done, your sister already did what she did, it's over with." She said she does want to see my sister, but doesn't want my sister to hurt her.

I was on speakerphone when she said this, and I told her attorney that statements like this, along with everything that has happened to mom in the past with her family, are why I have concerns with them being able to come up there and have access to mom. I have not told them which facility she is in for that reason. She is finally able to have some peace from all of the drama, and I hate for her to go back to being afraid again.

I am confident that the only reason they want to see her is because my sister feels she is entitled to mom's house, and they are hoping to coerce, bully, or guilt mom into saying something to get my sister off the hook for the judgment. If none of this were an issue, we wouldn't hear from them.

After mom told her attorney about being scared of sis, she then said she wanted me, my sister, and her to sit down and talk. I do understand she wants her kids now to "make nice and get along" but it's easy for her to say when I'm the one cleaning up this colossal financial mess my sister left her in, with very little savings, and her house tied up, and trying to keep her head above water so she can afford to get the care she needs. Not to mention trying to take care of her physical and mental health too.

I really want to just walk away, but I can't. I distanced myself and my family from mom's NPD family awhile ago because I wanted some peace in my life and for my kids not to have to grow up around the dysfunction. Now I feel like I'm forced to interact with them when I don't want to. My uncle made a veiled threat to my husband after court last week.

I agreed to do a speakerphone call between me, mom and my sister on Friday. Her attorney feels like starting with a phone call would be best. I don't know, my nerves are just shot. She'll be on her best behavior until she gets mom alone, and then that's when things hit the fan, and me left, as usual cleaning it up.

Frazzled, can you ask that any visits be supervised (not by you), at least until after the final guardianship verdict?