notrydoyoda Posted January 2012
The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?
Follow
Share
Read More Close
34K Comments
Popular Questions
Related Questions
- How do I deal with an emotionally needy mother who wants all of my time and attention?
- I get so angry with my 88-year-old mom sometimes and find myself getting resentful to her and not treating her very good. How can I deal?
- How do I deal with being "cut" from the family?
- My sole mate is sole care taker of both parents. Where do I find help dealing with this?
Start a Discussion
The judge appointed me mom's guardian earlier this year after mom was determined to be mentally incapacitated. My sister and I had originally asked to be co-guardians, until it was discovered that all of this other stuff was going on, the physical abuse and the mismanagement of her money and property. Her property and the monetary judgment are still at issue, however, as well as the issue of visitations. I am of the opinion that any resources mom has need to be used for her care, but my sister and mom's narc family feel differently, unfortunately, and will go to any lengths to rip mom off.
It's just sad because mom thinks now, "Oh, they're asking about me, wanting to see me" and in reality they would have nothing to do with her if weren't for any of this. My sister even told her as much during a phone conversation a few months ago. She said, "When this is all over with, I won't have anything to do with you or sis (me) ever again."
My sister's attorney is pushing for the visits right now, and mom's attorney is saying let's start with a phone call and then maybe a face to face visit. But the only way I could probably bar them from going up there if they know where she is, would be to get a restraining order.
Each and every time my mother goes though a stage or just does something different it sends me to tears. So i can imagine how difficult it has been to make these past decisions. I can also relate to the turmoil in the house. Just take your time one thing at a time.
Try not to let the stress take over which I find it easy to do. I jlearned from all this anxiety about my trip, being ready, buying the ticket, getting there , getting home was all for nothing. Today I had two small panic attacks just thinking about getting up for work. Its crazy how our mind and body interact. I love my job.
Dorianne, try and let go and know that it will all be okay in the long run. Be strong. I think when these crucial moments come we see who our true friends are, along with the dissappointing feelings of seeing the true colors of our close ones. ((HUG)) Dont forget how stress can make us sick and depressed, try and focus on the fact that you are doing what is best and you can handle it.
I am no way a therapist but I know what thoughts have help me from going deeper into my pain.
Book, thank you. Avion, it is. Anything to kill mice. Just one bite was working but I didnt get my last order. Girlfriend says I should get a cat, I say I cant be feeding a cat and she says I might as well I buy the poison reularlly. (lol)
They are worse than before and I dread them making it upstairs. The mice already have me a nervous wreck.
There are so many places for them to come in. I just noticed the cracks between floor and wall in bathroom on first floor. Not to mention the holes around pipes and floor under kitten sink. this is the main place they come through and I place the poison chunks there and watch it go down daily. Only thing I ran out. It worked pretty good now caught one on glue trap my first nite home and I hear another one running around off and on but havent seen it.
Frazzeled, sorry to hear about these issues with your sister and your mothers family. I got to a point myself where I had to leave it in God's Hand and it work the truth came out and they were dealt with. Only thing I dont think they really realize their wrong.
Karma will come. It may not be when you want it but it will be on time. Meanwhile you have somethings in place and working for your mother. they will trip up somewhere during all these legal processes.
I often look at the court shows and it looks like the judges can see through some perpetrators with no problem. I hope this is the case and justice prevails.
Rays of love peace and happiness to all.
About once a week, i will run into my brother when he comes in the side door or in the kitchen at night, but he won’t do anything to care for our father except, if I desperately need to go out for emergency run to the store, he will sit in another room and be there just in case Dad needs help. He also helps lift him in and out of the car when I can’t do it myself. (I am extremely grateful for his help in these circumstances, and he is very gentle and kind regardless of what time it is.)
When he first moved in, I told him everything and asked if he could taken on specific tasks. He said he didn’t feel comfortable caregiving, and besides, I was doing such a good job. Wtf! No one can do this 24/7! Why the heck did he move home? Im so mad. I have to hire help, and he now wonders how Dad will adjust... but claims he's sorry but can’t help do anything. (I didn’t even ask him.) Hmmm well if you would even just help a little I might not have to hire anyone! Rarrrr!
I know now I should just let it go... but I’m just so mad tonight.
who gave bro permission to move home - dad ?
I wonder if I could ask those of you who've been through this - THIS being, I dunno, losing a dysfunctional loved one?
Did you still have mixed feelings about them even when you were in this place, of knowing you're about to lose them? Did you ever have guilt about all those "bad thoughts" about your loved one - even though you know in your gut they were also true thoughts?
Did you ever feel guilty or....ashamed.....when people say what a good daughter/son you are? Because you know you've been fighting with your loved one during their last year of life? Or resenting them, or whatever, any or all of those things that kind of make you think, "good daughters would've let it go and been nicer to their dying parent"?
Do you ever get really mad, in particular, at health professionals who think they understand anything about what you're going through? Like you just know they came from happy families who raised them with love, or they are strong and good parents raising awesome kids, or whatever. And you just want to fire a cannon at them about what a sweet lady your mom really is, or what a good daughter you really are, or what you're really thinking about when they misinterpret your deeply furrowed brow?
If it was your parent......gosh, I even feel guilty writing this out.....did you ever feel both fear and excitement about "finally" being alone on earth? And did you feel guilty about the excitement, about planning for your future without them, or anything like that? I feel like all my mental energy should be focused on mom, like that's normal, even expected, and like I am abnormal. (Well, I AM abnormal.) Fear would be normal, right? And I do feel it. But I'm also really looking forward to closing this chapter in my life, and also being able to cut off some family for good.
And, did you ever feel like you wound up being the one to console the people who thought they were consoling you? This is part of why I haven't called mom's friends, or her sister. Especially her sister, OMG. I'm tired of being the strong, stoic one who takes charge and makes everybody else feel better. My mother, about whom I have mixed feelings EVEN NOW, is dying. I want to have a f***ing tantrum and break some s***, not be supportive of YOUR feelings. (Not meaning "you," anyone here. Just "you," whomever I am talking to in real life.)
I feel guilty for writing all of this. Although some of the more rage-y bits could possibly be attributed to menopause.
I think the hardest for me is to overcome the caregiver's guilt.
… I edited the ending of this... I'm currently reading an action pack fantasy book series. Too much violence, characters dying, betraying, etc... I just need to finish this book and the current last book #5. Then I need to find a happier book. Books should take me away from life's problems, not add to it.
I was in tears earlier, so angry, frustrated and just tired of it all. I sent mom's attorney a response to that email asking if there is any way a state appointed guardian could oversee mom's affairs. That I have done the best I can, but if it's going to turn into a circus at the behest of mom's family, perhaps an outside third party would be best. Mom throwing tantrums and not wanting to talk to her own attorney does not help.
I have no financial stake in this whatever. My sister is the one who seems to feel that she does. I've been trying to look out for mom, and I hope that a state-appointed guardian would too.
I also brought up in the email that mom was hospitalized 3.5 MONTHS last year (multiple times) due to health and mental health issues while sister lived with her. Sis lived there about 14 months. She has had no hospitalizations this year. Yes, she is in a facility now, and her funds are paying for such, but she has socialization, someone there to make sure she get the correct doses of her meds at the correct times, and distance from all of the drama. I just don't get it. My sister took 30K of mom's savings, and left less than 10K for mom, and has tied the house up in court. Does she or mom's own mother not want mom to have anything left at all with which to get care for herself?
Thank you guys for listening. I'm just fed up. Has anyone else here had to relinquish guardianship or been able to do so?
Dori,, hang in there, you are not a bad person, and we all have these thoughts.
(((((((dori)))) all your feelings are normal. The one I dislike most is "She is lucky to have you". What about me??? What about you??? You are doing a great job.
frazzled -- I have read on here of people who have given up guardianship. You are in a dreadful situation. With so much dysfunction, a court appointed guardian could be a better answer. You don't need this stress,
julia - not good. I too wonder why bro moved home and if he is carrying his weight in any sense.
book - definitely something lighter!!!
sharyn - how is that troublesome work person?
glad - update on the house???
becky - I am glad you are in a good space
Take care all
Yesterday I chatted with both my niece and my nephew about the situation my niece is in. They don't communicate, but I thought he ought to know what is happening, Interestingly my sister is now favouring him, having disinherited him years ago. It's all in what is most useful to her. It is bringing back some pretty heavy memories and feelings of bad times I had with my mother and sister over the years, and reinforces my position to keep minimal contact with sis while mother is alive, and after to cut contact.
My niece mentioned that my sister said she had not had any money from our mother yet, by way of part of justifying wanting to sell her house. I said that mother's money is being used, and is to be used, for her care as long as she is alive. That went over like a lead balloon. Who knows what has been said about how I am handling mother's money. I am not impressed with the new bro in law who, along with my sis is walking into the house and not acknowledging my niece. Understandably she is very hurt. Sis has done this to me too, so I understand, A messy situation and I hope niece and her hub come out of it with something. I suggested they submit a bill for 7 years of gardening, housecleaning, cooking and running errands. I don't suppose it would wash in court but...
Smoky here these days from the fires in BC. I woke up with my eyes stinging this morning. However, at least the fires aren't too close to town, though there are a couple of small ones under control. The weather is so weird the fire risk goes up and down.
The house, Windows were supposed to be in last Friday, now this Friday to be delivered. Got kitchen cabinets ordered, add-ons paid for today. Self closing drawers! House has pretty much just sat still for about a month. Oh and checked on how to get internet to the house. All buried utilities there.
Work is crazy lots of weird land development issues following tornado related to floodplain. UGH!
Now need to catch up.
Golden, Sorry about the issue with your niece and sister. I think dysfunctional family members are the gift that keeps on giving. Little or no contact is sometimes the only answer. I’m sure the smoke from the fires is bad. My grandson played in a basketball tournament in Sacramento last weekend. My son said the air quality was terrible.
We finally had a good soaking rain here today. First time in 2 months. Mostly, we’ve had brief showers.
On my last post, I re-read it. It sounded awful. with dark thoughts. Really dark thoughts. I stared at it, surprised. Then I remembered that I was multi-tasking. Reading the ebook, reading AC, and surfing Amazon for free ebooks. I took a brief break from the book because I was getting angry and upset with the fight scenes. I noticed that if I read books with dark tones or negativity, I tend to view life like that, too. That's why I always mention reading light books, funny books.
I read on the internet news about the latest hail and the Colorado Springs zoo. I have always wondered about that. I always wondered what happens if it hails and the kids are walking home from the bus stop and there's no house close enough to run to.
Golden, I was really hoping that new BIL was going to continue to be a positive influence to your sister. It sounds like she might also be influencing him to her ways, too. Give and take. Too bad.
The weather very dangerous. Sever thunderstorm warnings nearly daily. And my new car and house? So far so good. Tornados ten days ago much damage to a community where many indigent live.
Cabinet doors I think are silent close too, not sure, must check. Pantry has roll out shelves. Did not check on lower cabinets. A cookie sheet cabinet, had one years ago and loved it!
Golden, no more issues with my co-worker. My deli manager had a talk with her too.
We had a short power outage this afternoon for 45 minutes. Happy it was short!
There is is a new drama series starting next month called, A Million Little Things. It’s about a group of close friends who lose one of their group to suicide, how they cope with the questions we all have.
Dori, you are doing great! Everything you are feeling is normal. Be kind to yourself (((Hugs)))!
Garage door is in. House locked, I don't have a key yet. :(
Hot, smoke coverage, power outage.......?
For a minute there I thought you were back in California.
Anyway, Good Morning everyone!
I have totally been having second thoughts and guilty thoughts about putting mom in hospice on Monday. She had a much better day on Friday. I was moping this afternoon about it, but my BFF pointed out that, being with mom constantly, I don't see what everyone else sees, which is a person rapidly going down, with bit of rallying here and there, which is what happens with most people at the end of life.
It's a dumb comparison, but this is how I felt when I euthanized my cat, George. I kept wondering when was the right time, and then from the time I decided until.....months later, I kept wondering if it was too soon. Took me a long time to get over that feeling. Sometimes I'm not sure I ever did.
Anyway. BFF is right, Mom is weak and tired and so, so, so frail, and she's not going to get better no matter how many times she rallies. So. BFF and I are going to go into the hospice and decorate her room while she's at her last dialysis run on Monday. Then I'll take her there after dialysis.
I phoned ahead to ask if I could do it. The woman in charge thought it was a great idea. Then I asked what colour the room is painted. Apparently, purple! "More like a light lavender," the woman nervously told me on the phone. "I can work with purple," I said, thinking furiously. There's not all that much in mom's beige and brown apartment that is going to look nice in a lavender room! Some of the cream coloured things, maybe, and some of the gray things. On the other hand, purple and I have a good relationship. And just about everything I own at home is green, turquoise, or purple. So BFF met me at my apartment today while mom was sleeping, and we gathered up a bunch of my own things (many of which mom gave me over the years). You know, arty things - ceramics and glass mosaic stuff and throw cushions I made myself, some plant containers (bought a couple of plants on the way back here), candleholders (BFF says she has electric tealights)....also my giant PURPLE afghan that my stepgrandma crocheted, like, 50 years ago (apparently to match the CARPET???). And then I'll take some of mom's favourite arty things from her apartment, and her bedding (which is sort of aqua) and her little mosaic bedside table and lamp. I don't have anything I can really hang on the walls without using nails, so I'm taking my portable easel, too - I can take some of the paintings mom did, and change them out every day or two.
It's funny, I know my mom gave up painting around the same time she got diagnosed with kidney disease. But recently I realized she also gave up colour at the same time. I hope I'm not doing the wrong thing. Maybe she doesn't want to be reminded of being an artist.....she always said she was going to get back to painting, but she never did.
sounds lovely
will there be a comfy chair for you near her bed ?