The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

I was having a hard time posting

Well Greetings to all. I hope you are all in good spirit and health. I have a lot to catch up on. But I did notice mention of 107 temps. I had a previous long 'a** s post that I couldnt post realizing I it open from the last time so I logged in again,

I had anotther dilemma but right now I am tired. I typed a whole book about my mother going missing she is home now.

I need honest feedback on my ongoing issues with my sister and her authority with the health proxy. She was away in Atlantic City. left me a note surprisingly also stating the meals on wheel would come on saturday. I guess she took off while I was away and my mother was going upstairs on her floor, not in her room but in the back room on top floor and missed meals.

Long story short after several calls to the hospital the last call I was given to a social worker immediately who after learning my identity said my sister has a health proxy and my mother was to be discharged in his custody.

I waited 5 hours for police to come make report. My nephew is a captain. Now I t know why he could use his connections to expedite a response or alert about my mother missing. then when they find her I text him. The sergeant says the officers are coming to take me to the hospital. I run up stairs to get cab fair and change shoes. then I text my nephew. I am waiting and waiting for offiicer they never show. Meanwhile I call hospital they say my mother is fine and to be discharged. I call nephew he says her is there. I call hospital again to see if he is there and how she is if they are leaving and I get a social worker who asks muy identity then states that my sister has health care proxy and my mother is to be released in his custody. (wow) was that really necessary. so I was like here we go again no wonder the police didnt come get me. Then he didnt answer my text about how is she or anything or calls for their satus. I knew she was okay so I dint want to hop in a cab to turn back around. finally he calls asking me to come down and help him get her out the car she is extremely tired. this was so sad we had to carry my mother in the house she was so sedated. we got her to her feet and she went down on her knees. I couldnt belive the hospital let her go like this, how did they get her in the car. Dang.
When I am leaving for work my nephew the oldest ne came. I said Im leaving and she says where. so I say to work then notice she is rubbing her head saying it hurts a little. I would never had let her leave the hopsital like that. No mental status validation because she was sedated. so I dont know if a cat scan was done because I cant get infor.
I am guessing now that soon she will have a home attendant since my sister had to take off from work to care for her. (my fault!)

I spoke to my friend and prayer partner and he giving me power of attorney over and over. Says to find some way to get it even after she has dementia.
I dont want power I just want myh mother to get whats best. I fought her ugly all my life. yet its hard and painful to what her put in jeopardy over spite and wielding of some finally attained and poor use of authority.

I am open. Hurt my feelings. I dont care. I am back in the stress zone almost in the red. Therapy helps some techniques just come. I didnt cry until they found her and then I could stop my self after the tears built up. But I am angry. I wrote a letter for my sister. she is truly a sick puppy. she refused counselling because we have to see our wrong. so that and mediation is out.Meanwhile my mothers care is based on the understanding of a sick mind.

Also, she got out of the house through the door upstairs. she was the only one who uses it. used it to avoid walking throught the dog pee and waste in the hall. I would hear her come in. she went to atlantic city I guess she was so stress from caring for my mother that she forgot to lock door upstairs when she left. I dont use it and as far as they know I dont have a key.

Please bare with my post. sometimes I hit page up or end and do stuff!:)

Duck, your mom should not be left alone, ever. I cannot imagine what sis was thinking. I would talk to nephew, or better have the attorney that prepared mom's documents talk with him so he understands his responsibilities. My guess is that sis told nephew she was taking off and he allowed mom to be home alone. She needs to be in a facility. Why is she not in one?

Hang onto that sis note, call APS, have them secure police and hospital records. Mom is not safe in the current living situation and needs more care than what can be provided at home.

At least mom is safe. That is good. You could take her back to the hospital, tell the story, you have many others, that would help speed up the process.

Duck, You need to follow Glad’s advice. Your mother cannot be left alone. She needs to be in a facility where she will be properly monitored and cared for. Your sister and nephew are not acting in her best interests. Or, report this situation to APS so that they can investigate.

who does the dog belong to? Someone needs to take care of it as well. The waste in the house is both unsanitary and unhealthy.

Step in now to take care of the situation. Get the proper attention for your mother.

At least, Duck, make the effort to protect yourself. You work in a medical field, doesn't that make you a mandatory reporter?

New York is one two states (PA is the other) that does NOT have mandated reporting of elder abuse or neglect. If abuse is reported only 1 out of 24 cases is acted upon.

Duck, Document everything to protect yourself. Don’t run the risk of having your sister and nephew turn things around and put the blame on you.

Duck, are you saying that your mother is generally alone during the day, that your sister works?

How are all of these "escapes" of your mom's not getting noticed by the hospital? Are they going to alert social services that she's a vulnerable, unsupervised person? Is that why you say she's going to be getting a home attendant?

I think in your shoes, I would write to the social work department of the hospital she was in (send it certified) and tell them that while you understand that they cannot give you any information, you feel that your mother is being neglected, is living in squalor and is not eating regularly.

dori - it sounds lovely. A friend was in a hospice type room here many years ago. It was comfy, homey, had room for visitors. Great that there is a fold out bed for you. This has to be very hard for you even if you know it is the right thing. (((((hugs)))) and let us know how you and mum are when you can.

duck -the neglect of your mother by your sister is terrible. Please document everything. She has POA and she did not provide proper care for your mother. I think contacting APS and also the SW at the hospital is a good idea. Let it be all about your mother and her care at this point, not about you and your sister

glad - your kitchen sounds amazing -self close doors and slide outs. I want some!!! And exterior work!!

sharyn - thinking of you and also your bro and the waiting list.

book - my sis and her new hub may be two of a kind. I am surprised about what my niece is telling me. But, you know all about greedy relatives, don't you?

We have gone from very hot weather down to 70 degrees, less humidity and and cooler at night. I like it!!!

Woke early so did some reorganizing of my kitchen cupboards, and sorted out the cabinet under the sink finally. I left it to dry out thoroughly after the faucet leaks and the humid weather. I am feeling pretty reasonable today. Hope it lasts. I am still semi fasting and taking probiotics, and it seems to be doing me good. Apparently I am allergic to something in some shampoos - and soaps. This harks back to the evac when my skin got very sensitive - no doubt from the stress. I changed my shampoo and the skin on my neck is fine. Yay!!! Finally!!! I have to wear gloves for cleaning, which I dislike, but it could be worse.

Take care all. Do something good for you!

My sister works during the day she leaves about 630 am and returns between 4 and 530pm. I work from 7pm - 7am. I up to get dress and feed my mother about 345 and try to get out by 430pm to pick up my lunch and get train latest 517 to be on time for work. On my days off if I am depressed I sleep late and my schedule is like work. If Im ok I am up around 10 or 11. My days off I am down with my mother I fix breakfast and or dinner and clean and listen to my shows, my mother has cable. I work sunday monday and Tuesday, When I get off wednesday morning I go to therapy. I spend the most time with my mother, I share her bathroom the one on my floor is not together but had a toilet and my sister refused to leave the cat litter box out when I moved back in, Its small . So the cat my mothr and my sister had a bathroom. Now that I have saved a little i will fix it.
Anyway my history with my mother and sister is very similar.

Gosh when I came on here and saw the things people went through, saw I was not alone, I was not happy for the wrongness but I felt some kind of way almost normal.

I dont know what I will find daily. Today my microwave was on the floor and not on top of fridge. One of the two tables I had together was taken down. I know my sisters spirit I always imagine there is some type of spite behind anything of mine that is gone or moved.

When Karma comes its going to kick her A$$%

I used to ask my mother in tears when she would do something vile, like who did she think was going to take care of her. My sister talks to her like a dog. She has never Had to do anything so dealing with my mother for her is a burden she is often very tight and short with her. I have been catering to my mothers every need from a child. I was doing laundry with shopping cart at nine.I was her protector and I turned to God when she said she despised me and havent turned back since. I have always longed for her love. Now I know she wasnt capbale. I have no idea what her pain was but I share my pain , mistakes, loves, thing I learned, experiience, goodtimes, how my family used party and get down. weakness, my everything with my son there are no secrets.
No matter what she did too me I was back for more, bringing her groceries cleaning, scrubbing her tub. Running with my head chopped off to make her events as president of block association or this or the other club while my sister sat on her butt. I often think she resented me because I did everything. But she didn't have to do anything. If she didn't want to wash dishes on her days I had to do it. What ever it was until she did absolutely nothing. I new my mother was mental and I watched my father cover her and I did the same. I would get up early and clean so my father wouldn't have too. to give him a break. He was a teacher and had to drive upstate to work and back and the go to person for his family. bought his grand mother a house and his familybasically treated us like shit. The ones who really loved him embraced us and those two great aunts were like grandparents and I honored them as such. The dysfunction culminates from so many tangents. I know I am messed up. I made a lot of mistakes with my life and I think the love in my heart and my strength in God has saved me from disaster.

Oh here I go again. I can go on and on and on. and I am so tired. I love you all Rays of Love, Light and Peace to all, Good nite. Sleep tight.

Hello my fellow dysfunction survivors!

I got mom to hospice after dialysis today. Basically, it went like this. When we were driving away from the hospital, I said, "Do you remember that place you went when I had my respite break?" "Oh yes! I like that place!" "Oh good, because I booked you in again." "Oh! Ok. When?" "Now." "Oh! Ok, I really like that place!"

And she is happy as a pig in sh** right now. Sorry to be crude. She is really happy. She likes it there, she says she liked it even before we decorated it up. (She even got the same room.) Not too much room for decor - mainly lots of cushions and cozy blankets, and a few plants and a small handful of knick-knacks. There's a new electric recliner in the room, and when I got her into it, she started happily playing with all the buttons. It is the kind of chair she can and will sleep in.

She kept thanking me, actually.

The renal social worker said the bed was initally booked as a respite bed, and to tell her that, and then they'd tell her she doesn't have to do dialysis anymore. I don't even know if telling her is necessary - she doesn't have a concept of time anymore, so she might not even notice she's missing anything. I don't know if she will make the connection, but I do know right now, she's pretty happy and content.

The nurse talked to the renal team and was basically told what will happen without dialysis is the potassium will build up in mom's blood stream and she will eventually have a heart attack. Which was kind of a surprise to me.

Fingers crossed that she continues to be happy and content....isn't that what all of us want at the end?

Dori
as bittersweet as it is, you've done a remarkable thing in moving mom so smoothly

hugs

Dori, your comment about the staff telling your mom about stopping dialysis.  It reminded me of the time mom's home care nurses and gov't caregivers used to treat my mom. She was bedridden and basically a vegetative state. The home care nurses and the gov't caregivers would come in and greet mom. They would talk about mom to my dad. He would always correct them and say that just because mom doesn't talk or acknowledge them - doesn't mean that she cannot hear and understand them. He told them to be more respectful to mom, their patient. Since then, every time I'm home, I'm just so used to these professionals talking to mom as if she hears and understands them. And when they talk about mom to dad, they chose their words carefully in case mom is listening.

I like how the facility explained to your mom about the dialysis. It shows that they still see your mom as a Person and not just an 'income' for their facility. I'm glad that you found one that still treats their clients/patients with respect.

Duck, you may not have POA but you are an adult living in the same house with your mom and POA sister. (You are, right? Can remember.) If anything were to happen to your mom, both you and your sister may be held liable. I didn't have POA over my dad. But I made sure to contact Adult Protective Service, the elder law lawyer, his medical insurance - trying to find a way to get dad to the ER/doctor for his pneumonia. I made sure to cross my t's and dot my i's in contacting everyone for help. Because if dad had died at home, it would be investigated by the police since he's not under hospice service and he has no up-to-date medical history. I protected myself, despite not having POA, just in case something happened to dad.

You need to do the same for yourself. Just because sis has POA, you log down everything that happened. Keep it SIMPLE and SHORT to the POINT Logsheet. No writing of a novel. In case something happens, you can pull out your logbook and say,

'On this date, I contacted so-and-so (police friend) - mom is missing, no one is home, guessing she left from the upstairs door. Friend says he will get back to me. Never did.

On this date, sis left note that so-and-so is to cover as POA while she's away. So-and-So is not here. Doesn't respond to my call/text...

On this date, I contacted hospital, name So-and-So. Her comment - cannot release info since I have no POA.

Conclusion for today's date: POA sis, POA son - missing in action. Mom disappear. Found in hospital. No one contacts me since I have no POA. Date and sign it.

*keep it simple and do NOT tell any of the POA about this logsheet. Trust me, it will go missing. If you must, pull out your cellphone/tablet, type your notes. When alone in your room, take out the logbook and write it down.

Alternative, open a new email address - to be used only as your caregiving email address. Log in, type out your notes above as it happens - and email it to yourself. The email will have the date and time. This email address will be your proof. Simple. (FYI, I have an email address just for Facebook, another email address just for Agingcare, another email for my iPad, etc... )

My brother is in surgery now. They took him in to surgery at 1 am this morning. Prayers appreciated. Thank you.

Surgery was a success. Waiting for my brother to wake up. Thank you!

Yay sharyn, So happy for you and him, Prayers that he recover without any complications. Isn't it amazing what medicine does these days?

dori -so glad the transition to your mum's new home went so well. What a blessing!!! Take care this is a rough time.

Dori, I’m glad the transition went well. Breath a deep sigh of relief!

Thank you Golden, I am not there physically with my family but I am drained, lol!

Sharyn, I hope that your brother has an uncomplicated recovery.

Dori, Glad the transition went well.

Sharyn, wonderful, hope recovery for your bro goes well.

I think it is more draining to not be there, you wait for news, a text, a call, email, something. Waiting and waiting and not knowing anything is very hard and exhausting. Just as I never heard anything from twisteds about mom or L, for two years, until the very end.

Take care of you!

Thank you Glad. My sis in law got to see him but he was still out. She said he looks good.

He will have 2 weeks in hospital rehabilitation. Then they have to live near the hospital for 4 months in case of rejection.

How is your house coming along?

Becky, thank you, I’m hoping too. It’s a long 4 months ahead of him and my sil.

I hope you are are feeling better.

Thanks Sharyn. Still have a few problems, but nothing like earlier. We are hoping to go on a short trip next week. PJ has a reunion with some old football next week at The Broadmoor in Colorado Springs. I hope my car:iologist clears me to go. It will be a long 4 months for your brother.

Hard day. My 90 year old grandma is having heavy confussion and my mom took her to ER where they were rude. Did blood work. Said she is fine. Mom get her to house and on the way grandma who is very sharp asks if they are going to the hospital. Doesn't remember being there. Can't walk well into the house. My Mom is crying calling me for support. Im at work trying to do all I can. Now we think maybe a stroke. I tell my mom take Her to different ER. Grandmas son 67 was released from jail today. She has been stressing so bad over this. She paid for lawyer for him. Was for an old warrent that finally caught up with him. His wife is dying in hospice while being evicted. His daughter and brother in law hate him. My aunt picked up his things and now is driving to him over an hour away to give him things. He has no where to go. He is yelling saying no one cares. My. mom is calling me and I'm here for her and GMA. I'm very close to my GMA. Praying.

Beth, try to just breathe.

Sharyn, windows are in, they were wrapping the house in tyvek preparing for stucco when I drove by this afternoon. Still think October.

Believe me I'm trying. Just feel like I'm spinning and wiped out. Then I feel so sorry I'm not there. Waiting now.

SharynMarie, Glad your brother is fine.

Book, as far as I know my sister has only a health care proxy. I got email that I should be hearing from the lawyer about my request for information and referral to obtain power of attorney.

I do not want to take my sister to court. I have been avoiding addressing all of this. Thank you all for the feed back and comments, it is helping so much.

Therapy in the am, talk about this and other issues, will request meds. Then pick up package for pestcontrol, do damage control in fridge the parts are in and the service for seals on door is scheduled for thursday. Its next week I see wtc medical doctor for another round of referrals. Finally feeling better from an ugly stomach virus.

Happy I made it through my work week without anymore heavy drama.

Have a lovely next few days. I am off for a minute. I do get on the lap everynow and then. I know I will be busy trying to do stuff. If these products I ordered dont work I will have to sacrifice and get termenex or a professional exterminator.

Much love to all. Wish you all the best in your endeavours and trials. Thanks amundo Again and again.

Duck, hang in there. I hope you are able to get POA. You clearly have your mom’s best interest at heart where your sis does not.

Glad, happy to hear the windows are in and stucco to begin soon. October is a good time to move in, not too hot or too cold.

Becky, I hope you go to Colorado Springs. It will be good for you.

My brother is still in a sleep state. They are bringing him out of it slowly because he stresses and tried to pull out the ventilator and IV. His brain tells him he needs to breathe harder like he did before surgery and he doesn’t need to now. He is using his lungs with just minimal support from the machine. The drs say it can take some people a little longer to come out of sedation with all the different medications and begin to just breath naturally.

SharynM, so happy to hear about your Brother's successful heart surgery! My Cousins husband had a heart transplant several years ago, and while the 1st year or so was a bit stressful with the constant monitoring for rejection and other minor tweaking, he has done great, and his health has been restored dramatically! Hope all goes well for your Brother's recovery too!

Glad, your house seems to be going up So fast, thought probably not as fast as you desire. It sounds beautiful and I can't wait to hear about it as it comes along!

Dduck, wise words from Bookluver! Sounds like your Mom needs more care then is safe, glad you are working towards seeing to her health and safely! You be sure to take care of you too!

Golden, Hi! Like you, I've been clearing out kitchen cupboards, Ugh, we have So much, appliances we Rarely use and can certainly do without! There is No way we could ever bring this much unnecessary STUFF to a Condo, and things are ramping up here, for a move in that direction. I can't believe it's almost been a year since my FIL passed away, and I'm still dealing with some weird depression, some FM sx, and lack of motivation (probably all connected)! Otherwise, things are going fine here with me and mine! Hope you are fairing well!

On a different note, we are inundated with smoke from the BC fires! We get that here in August, but this year is the worst in a very long time! Hope the fires near you are well under control! Poor California, they are in a bad way too! Prayers all around!

To everyone else new and old timers, my thoughts are with you as you navigate your family troubles. This site/thread helped me immensely during my time in the care of my Narcissistic FIL. He's been gone now nearly a year, but it's taken all of this time to recover from the dysfunction, still working on it! It just takes time! Thinking of you all!

Drywall to be delivered on Friday. Scaffold up for stucco but still no stucco😟