The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Cmag~I am sorry to hear about your mother. I hope and pray she recovers as quickly as she can. Based on in the info you provided, I would take your step brothers offer as a formality to help with due to his connection with the family. I offer to help my brother and sil but my brother will tell me, realistically you can't because you have your plate full dealing with mom. I have learned to not offer help but to offer support and love. It may be that your step brother is doing the same thing. I meant well in offering help to my brother, but he was right, I already have too much going with mom to help...not that I wouldn't give it my best. You know your step brother better than I and what his overall intentions may be. Keep us posted on your mother and how things are developing. Sending you hugs and prayers!!

Margeaux -congrats on the new baby in the family. re your sinuses - I rinse mine 2-3 times a day with diluted hydrogen peroxide and haven't had a cold since. I just put a few mls of H2O2 into one of those little bottles of saline and squirt, not spray it in. As long as I keep doing that, they stay OK.
sharyn - lots still happening for you -cleaning up your mum's home and moving her to the memory unit., and finding a home for midget. Lots of work. I hope your sis stays well enough to do the job - the stress of it all may be affecting her too. I know you are very sensitive to signs of dementia. I would feel better of she had a proper evaluation.
cmag - your mum has taken a turn down. The twisted bowel is quite serious and can recur. I would suspect that your half bro is interested in what he and your step dad could get from your mum - maybe I am too suspicious
brandy - I got sick of keeping the family secrets so I say what I want to. If they don't like it - their problem. I have had enough problems from them with being used, put down etc. agreed - post under a new name if it makes you feel better - but get it out - it is better for you. I spilled some stuff to a cousin who was a friend, I thought, and haven't heard back from him in a year, So be it. I am tired if keeping up a "good front" to hide the hurts.
book - hope things are lighter now with just your dad. I read somewhere you were thinking of looking for a facility for him - good idea
ppalmer - hilarious - helicopters - thanks for the laugh
gladimhere -you are right - the issues are very similar
juju - welcome - you have survived, and so have I but I know about the scars, the doubts, the old tapes that play in your head, the anger, depression etc. Speaking up about it (writing) helps. I wrote a long letter to my mother once while reading a healing book, about the hurts she had caused me, and sent it. Then I read the next chapter which said,":but do not send it!" Oooops! Oh well, it didn't really make any difference in our relationship - she had an explanation that satisfied her for every point I made. Looking back, it was part of my healing as I acknowledged the hurts, the pain, the dysfunction, the shame, how much my childhood affected the rest of my life - and still is, but, much less than before. I have gone to counsellors who, once they hear I don't have any addictions, (drugs, alcohol or cigarettes) haven't been promiscuous, have had a good career, have gotten out of two bad marriages, have some good friends and decent relationships with my kids (over all) think I am fine. Well, I function pretty well, but they do not know what I have dealt with on the inside, and still do at times and what I still deal with in my mother and sister. You ask very good questions. Yes, the scars stay for life and I don't know what :normal" is so I rely on girlfriends at times. I think we carry "sensitive" points for life. Your past is what you were given to deal with - no choices there. But at some point, as people grow and mature they start to take responsibility for creating the life they want. What has helped me - realising that, for whatever reasons, I made the choices that I made as an adult and still do make choices, and still have freedom to explore alternative choices. That gives me a feeling of power. The whole issue of anger is a big one. I am almost finished reading a book called "When the Body says No" by Gabor Mate. Near the end he talks about anger and how those of us in dysfunctional families are anxious when we feel anger because of the family of origin dynamics. And that we do not feel anger in a normal way. I had sort of realised that over the years when seeing a friend who came from a pretty normal family get angry in a very different way than I did -and she had different feelings. I will look up more specifics for you and post later. I had an AHA moment - and am working towards having "normal" anger. In any case, expressing it, accepting the realities of all the unfairness, the burdens, the pain, embarrassment, even disgust is I think, necessary for moving on. We have to feel the hurt and grieve our lost childhoods and our adult losses, the things we would have done differently if ... before we can move on, It is no small task, but very worthwhile.
I sense you are a brave person. Good you got the toxic people out of your life - I have done that too - they were just substitute family members, bringing me the same problems. I will get back to you about anger.
Love and ((((((hugs)))) and prayers to all - Joan

Thank you joan, I call it my personal purgatory. Function well and have a happy spirit and you are not believed or taken seriously. To me with all that goes on in my mind i think wow if i do this good, naturally, with this shitstorm, what would i have been without it... that is personal loss, not a wudda cudda shudda or be grateful for what u have, as i so often hear, just want that to be validated or the oh your full of it, look at you, your fine....ya i look fine but i am not, all i am is a fighter that has been in the ring way tooo long! I at least only have to take care of ma now but that one is the ultimate challenge...to escort her out of this world as best i can....Im not the strong family leader i once was, i am tired and for once want to be the caregiveeeee! Just for 1 F-ing day for now would be good, 1 24 hour period all to my self....been at least 3 if not more years since i had a day off of shit cleaning duty...except for hospital stay and that was traumatic! so it don't count dammit!!! lol!!! Thanks for caring!!!
Thanks for the support!

Well, I believe you and others here do too. I have wondered how my life would have gone had I had a better beginning. Yes, it is personal loss and we do need to be validated. It is only in the past few years and through my connection on AC that I realised how much caregiving I have done in my life. Mother and her temperament has had to be catered to all my life. I understand about the looking fine but am not. I am a fighter too - don't let the b*stards get you down, but I am also very weary of it all and want peace in my life -and also someone who will care for me too -at least let it be mutual. Over the years I have fantasized about "giving up" the battle and just being cared for - but there was no way except the funny farm and I don't belong there. So now I care for me - give myself treats and breaks -I deserve them. If someone else wants to do things for me fine, but I have found you can't count on much of that. and maybe it is hard for me to receive. You need some time off, juju, Could you arrange it and give yourself a break? You want there to be enough of you left when this is over. (((((((hugs)))))))

Thank you Joan and I too am suspicious of my step-brother. He knows that his dad owes my mother several thousands and even promised to start paying it back to my mother as his dad's POA, but I've not seen a dime of it and really don't expect it. Unfortunately, he's seen mom's bank statements and knows she has a lot of money and wants some of it to help his dad who does not have any money saved up or a long term care insurance policy. His dad has him and two other siblings with great paying jobs. My mother's money and securities are for her care that the long term car policy does not cover.

Well I am beat and done today but I just say money is the issue with respite!!! But we working on it!!! With mental illness poverty is not far behind.

Juju it is good you are able to express your feelings-I too had a rough childhood-my sister who is much younger than me were able to talk about our growing up and the way we were treated did change the way we became as adults and what we were able to accomplish-my mom once praised herself for the way us kids turned out and said she had been a good mother-in fact we turned out well in spite of her mothering or non mothering as it were and in her elder years she pit us against each other-she passed away last Oct. and I was the one-the least liked kid who was with her at the hospital 24 hrs a day for a whole week and the night before her stroke she finally thanked me for giving her a glass of waterand I the one she never liked was the last one to talk with her before she died-I had learned a lot about narcissic moms here on this thread and was able to realize it was not that I was a bad person-she was narcissic and the problems were because of how she behaved and I was able to come to terms about how inadquite I alway felt.

cmag - sounds like you have it straight. Let him start paying back what your step dad owes.
juju - prayers for some respite for you - can you apply for medicaid for your mum - I believe they will pay for some in home care - keep us posted...

I am grateful I always knew she loved me but since i was the the young lil baby of family i was the one around for her to take out all the worlds frustrations out on. as i reflected on it as an adult i could see her actions were that just frustrations! I am grateful for that portion, doesn't mean it didn't hurt just means i truly believe she did not mean it...and as she cocooned into a sweet loving person with this disease it only validated that....the dementia erased her frustration with life.....I don't want dementia to be my relief i want some relief that i can feel!!! Sadly she would always say i was her little miracle...3 boys before me...all difficult births issues and the last one passed away. The doctor told her no more kids, you will die, but she had me anyway So they had a whole ped team there ready for me and i came out just perfect not a problem at all!! She was fine i was fine, life should have been good, but they say my dad never recovered from losing Jeffrey, before me....and that's when things were going to shit right as i came along by the time i was 3 she had to go to work 2 jobs and we never bonded really past that. She was robbed of the relationship as much as i was, is my point....K im crying again I am outta here!!!!

so i will go down in flames for her!!

i wonder now as i write this out, did the difficulties in mom's previous delivery's have anything to do with the mental status of my brother's. They never talked bout the details just that it was difficulties. idk what happened. once in one of dad manic spells he told me some details, about one brother, and mom denied them when i asked her, something bout oxygen deprivations.... she always denied any one of the boys were sick tho...never even when he was living in filth and animal excrement..she said he was fine so ya never know!!

Anyway the scientific side took over just thinking there has got to be a connection.

(((((((hugs))))) -You are grieving -feeling the losses - that is good. Tears are good. Be as loyal too yourself as you are to her. We have to become our own parent. and do those things for ourselves that our parent's were/are not able to.
more hugs - wish they could be more than cyber Joan

juju - just saw ur most recent post - re your brothers - I think there is a connection - makes sense

jujubean, one day at a time, and sometimes one minute at a time... and i am not being flip about this. i also come from a very disfunctional family. i have good days, bad depressed days, and i can't take it anymore days. this is what helps me too: Jesus, my dogs, gardening, reading self-help books, art, any kind of art, i just bought a color by numbers kit and it helped me to settle down my thoughts while creating something, exercise, even 10 minutes, take a deep breath hold at least 3 seconds and then as you exhale let your body go loose, repeat several breaths, reading and prayer. oh and do something today that will make tomorrow better for you.

Just a short update, my brother's lung disease has progressed and he is back to taking prednisone. Dr.s are hoping to restore his breathing capacity back to where it was 6 months ago.

u r right envision -one day, one hour, sometimes one breath at a time. I learned that particularly well after my son was killed. Also that arts and crafts help to calm. I must start crocheting or knitting again\
sharyn (((((((hugs)))))) boy one thing after another. I do hope the docs can help your bro. I am sure the stress of the death of your nephew and your mother's decline haven't helped him, Are you getting some time to yourself? I saw somewhere that you had lost 20 lbs - I wish. I put on about 8 this winter and it has to come off.

Well, pigs fly! The ALF called yesterday and said that mother had fallen and bumped her head, that she was OK and they were monitoring her. I emailed and she answered that it was HER FAULT

ooops - her BP has been coming down and she usually watches it and adjusts her BP meds, A lot of her adult life she has passed out every now and again - especially when she has a stomach upset She goes down like a log, get up and it doesn't happen again for several years. She has never hurt herself, and did not this time. I was shocked when she said it was her fault - I don't think I have ever hear those words before!!!. It only took 101 years lol. Have a good day everyone.

Dysfunctional family, I've got it. Husband has dementia and it is getting worse. He won't go see a neurologist b/c he is afraid of losing his drivers lic. Mother has full blown vas dementia. Sister is half crazy/half mean. Had to take care of my mil and she had dementia. Had to take care of my dad. He had depression. Had to take care of my step dad, he was bipolar. I think sister is either an alcoholic, bipolar, or has early onset dementia. Had to raise my husband's children from previous marriage, then raise ours. Had to semi- raise his ex. she was so juvenile and alcoholic. What fun. It seems like all my life I have had to take care of people. Now I am sick myself and they are blaming me for being a bad person, which I am most def not.

(((((((brandy)))))) u r not a bad person - definitely. And you have had too much caregiving. You need to put yourself first as much as you can. I know that isn't easy with all the family problems you have. So many find that they, the one who has done so much caregiving are branded as troublesome, or difficult. I have that label at times, particularly if I stick up for myself. Too bad. I rise above it. You have to look after yourself, one else will. Take care Joan

Thank you so much for your kind words, emjo, Joan. This caregiving is not for sissies.

Joan~It's not really one thing after another as much as it is just our lives right now. A lot of changes for everyone and finding the most comfortable fit for some and others in my family have lost members as you know. I hope to get a day or two next week for day trips. Yes, I have lost 20lb. I don't know for sure, but I think it may be related to me being pre-diabetic. Hang in there everyone and Brandy, I am happy you posted, I hope you feel comfortable because you get lots of support here!!

Thanks for the support! As I told envision good idea,s breathing is a good one I had forgot... And prayer, it is new to me this past year but it has worked So ya! I am so beat down right now physically as well some time I am just to tired for things.. So those two are really good. Reading I have difficulty with. I tend to either fall asleep or actually wander back to thought while reading and don't absorb it. So I find myself having to re-read over n over. This site has been good cuz it is interactive n short story's n articles keeps me involved. Well at ER with ma and almost out of juice so gnite and thanks for everything! Will check back in later!

Oops prayer..new ad works but since it is new I and I am weak right now I don't remember to go there! Heck I don't remember what day it is sometime, hahaha
Thanks agin

Sharyn, sorry to hear about your brother. I hope the meds work and he gets better.

Joan, I couldn’t help it. I laughed aloud when I read your words about “Well, pigs fly1..and she asnwered …it was HER FAULT.” Your mom was always finding someone to blame and not her.

Brandy, you definitely have your plate full with hubby. Wow, you have experience when it comes to caregiving.

Sorry, I’m so tired. Every day that I wake up, it’s with exhaustion. Today, my brain was foggy at work. Didn’t do much work today.

Brandy good to see you back posting again.

My family is certainly dysfunctional. I am the son who lives the closest and is attempting to help my 90 year old parents. My youngest brother is a spoiled brat who is waiting for his inheritance. My oldest brother is a lunatic who is incapable of helping himself. My other brother is 300 miles away and has his own health problems. It can be a very lonely feeling. So lonely.

This is a good thread! I have an older sister who has POA for my two elderly parents while my husband and I are the main caregivers. Sister Dear is an RN (Associate's Degree only; thinks she's the Medical Expert of the World) and believes she is the only one with a handle on anything. She is continually wringing her hands, fretfully saying "oh, we're so dysfunctional, we're so dysfunctional!!!", without ever taking any responsibility for adding to the "dysfunction". I do not know one single family that doesn't have some dysfunction...just try to do the best with what you have and quit wringing your hands over it like Sister Dear does. Incidentally: she visits mom once a week "when it's convenient"; visits dad "when she can" because OMG, she has such a busy, busy life. Yeah, don't we all. I distance myself from her and we have very, very, very little to do with each other. She has a close relationship with my daughter, who adores her and thinks I, her mom, is a complete b***h. Whatever.

kthln3,
And I have a sibling that is a Licensed Professional Counselor that fails to recognize their own part in the dysfunction. Visits maybe three or four times a year, and lives five miles away. Blames the lack of contact on me, the caregiver, but what I am is a convenient excuse.

Hi Dreyfuss, Kithn and Gladimhere...I couldn't help it but giggle how the professional siblings are when it comes to their parents. I think they really do See the true situation but are pretending not to see. To see the truth, means that they must help. Like you said, gladimhere, we are blamed for any problems because it's convenient.

My spoiled brat of a 47 year old brother just sits and waits for his inheritance. The last time I spoke to him he said "Take care of Mom and Dad". Well, isn't that noble of him?