The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

OMG Becky, how terrible - I'm so sorry.

Oh, Becky. How dreadful. I'm so very sorry.

I'm so sorry for your loss and pain, Becky.

Happened this morning. All of his sons and grandchildren are here. I’m shell shocked.

Becky, so sorry, what a shock!

Oh Becky I can not tell you how sorry I am having just been through a similar experience.
No words of comfort can bring PJ back but the time you had together sounded extremely happy.
You are a strong woman so take that strength and keep moving forward in his name. It sounds as though PJ's family will be there for you.
Much Love

Becky, I was shocked to read this. I’m so very sorry.

Oh dear Becky

so damn unfair, just so damn unfair

we are here to cry with you and hold you up

OhBecky, I am so very sorry, my words cannot express enough. I’m glad you family to help you through this.

Oh, Becky.... I'm really, really sorry, too, sweetie.....

OMG Becky, I'm So Sorry to hear bout your husband's passing, life can be So unfair, and you have had your share of tragedies here of late. I'm glad you have that big family to lean on in the days to come. My prayers are with you and your family during this difficult time. Take care. Stacey B

Oh Becky I am stunned, and so very sorry. My thoughts and prayers are with you all,and I am glad you have support at this time. How horrible for you all. Love you

Becky, I'm so sorry. Take care!

Oh Becky... I am so sorry to hear of your loss. My heart is breaking for you. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

Oh Dear Becky my heart and prayers go out for you.
So very sorry, so very sorry. We all love you.

Oh Becky. You and PJ were so good for each other. This is beyond sad. Keeping you in my thoughts. 🧡

Becky, I am so very sorry for your loss. Words cannot express how sad it is to hear this news, after reading post after post of resilience and trials. I so admire your strength and I am hoping that you are surrounded by the same type of love and support you have given to loved ones and beloved. My prayers and heart are with you.

Hi all as usually I have been off line for a while. I did hear from the paralegal about obtaining a power of attorney. I dont know how to explain it but I am so burnt out with these issues with my mother. Before I came into this forum my life was full of crying about things my mother did. I learned about narcisssim hear, I read things that were referred or mentioned and learned alot about it. Still learning. I know my mother has bred her replacement my sister, by pitting us against each other, and putting her on a pedestal, she and my father let her get away with any and everything.

Realizing, who she is has been depressing. Realizing she is an expert liar. Expert for taking credit, free loading and blaming me fverything is sometimes overwhelming. There is no recourse as she exists in a world where she is always right and freely works up delusions she really beleives to stay on her pedestal.

Deep down I know there is jealousy, and envy. Part of the game. I just really wish it wasnt so. I just wish she was not so swift in convincing people I am the bad person. I dont understand it with my nephews. I watched my mother do the same but I didnt believe her lies, I saw her crazy and I refused to follow her leads. My sister is very pompuus and she is exactly like my mother. she used to hate it when I said it. And way back then I didnt know the true concept behind narcissism. Growing up and even in adulthoodhood therough middle age all I heard, was" its your fault" I have to get out of feeling guilty for everything that goes wrong in any kind of way.

So I dont know where this thing is going to go. Right now I am just hanging on. Trying to keep my self together and I will be going back to a battery of follow-ups on referrals . One is a thyroid scan which I have heard that its not so serious to have abnormal shape. Could this be why I get so wired.
The other issue is I requested medication in therapy. an antidepressant something. I am so tired of being stressed and knowing it and having no control. The therapy helps with my thinking process.

Then I have practically redestroyed my room. The fridge doors are sealed properly. The roaches are gone, gone, gone YaY!!!! That stuff really works. Now the mouse posion I bought was a whole bucket full of the one that does not work.:(. I tried soaking it in some chicken grease I am throwing out.

Not to mention I caught a stomach bug. two weeks ago. Then I get this throat irritation form my client. then the chest cold that followed. So I have been really down. the good thing is that my mother has yet to get sick in the last few years thank God. Her mental status is still good. Same. I am still just concerned of a possible slow bleed as I have no idea if she had a cat scan after being found in the hospital and having mild briusing to her face indicating a fall. I called the doctor and one of the nephews yelled out "Busted" in the hall. I thought he was talking to the cat. But it may have been me. No such thing as being busted when I call the doctor about my concerns. Of course he has to notify my twisted. So who knows what she told them. Wasnt a secret in anyway.

So this is the thing with me. I grew up ashame to tell or speak of things that happened in my house becuase I didnt thing anyone would believe me. When I was in my 40's I considered therapy but still thought a psychiatrist or therapist would feel I was lying about my mother and sister. Now its the same way. What is presented is not what it is. I think there is a lot of resenment for my trip, becuase there was a wake up call. But is there such a thing for a narcissist. Then I feel guilty becuase my sister mops the hall. Well at least on Sunday even if she doesnt have sense to use the chucks on the floor afterwards. Maybee its because I supply them.
I am starting to ramble.
I wish you all rays of love and peace and healing. I am so glad to be able to express my issues.

Thank you all for your kind comments. They mean so much. This has all been so unexpected, just unbelievable. PJ had a complete check up about 7 weeks ago with a clear EKG and cardiac ultrasound. But, his biological father died of a heart attack at 71 and his older half brother died last year at 70 of a heart attack. He was 68. So one never knows.

All of the the family is in shock. His grandsons are devastated. I’ve never seen so many big boys cry. But, his sons and grandsons are being very supportive.

I’m always an insomniac, but this is worse than usual. My mind is going from one thing to another. I guess that’s to be expected.

Becky, I am again so terribly sorry. My husband is 68. He has some heart issues so I can only imagine your tremendous loss. I am dealing with my 88 year old mother with a host of problems and one of my fears is my husband not outliving her. I suppose that could be seen as selfish. It never ceases to amaze me how some are taken from us prematurely and others linger on seemingly forever. I know we are not God. At least I hope you have support around you. May you find peace someday from memories of times you shared.

Becky, prayers for healing and comfort. I can only imagine the dept of your loss. L

The drs have put my brother in a medical coma so his brain and body can rest while they reduce the meds every 4-6 hours. This process will take about 3-4 days. I am getting concerned he may not get to wake. I pray these seizures stop as they reduce the meds.

Sharyn, I hope this latest treatment helps your brother. My uncle was in a medically induced coma for two weeks with pulmonary fibrosis. He came out of it fine. I hope this resolves his problem allowing him to heal and get back to his family.

The title of this group called me...my family is dysfunctional, but I've always pretended it wasn't. And now IAM the primary caretaker. It's hard. My dad is quite abusive to me, at times. My mom died last year, and she was who I was close to. My family appeared so normal..but we weren't. My parents never touched or hugged me, since I was 5..but yet I still felt comfortable, and a bit too close to my mom. She died last year. I'm now caretaker for my dad..but from afar. I convinced them to move to independent care facility last year. I get no joy..he screams out of the blue at me..gets mad...but then really appreciates me, when he needs me. When he feels his ol self, he's a bit intolerable. So..I've backed off. I couldn't back off when mom was alive as she needed me..she couldn't really be alone. Now it's just dad..who has morals that are questionable, never ever did anything with or for me..except clothe and feed me. My life was good.. materialistically. But I never had a bond with him. That all..just venting. I could sing, 'the cats in the cradle'...that song was very appropriate..my dad has no clue, that we do not have a bond. Oh, he and my mom never touched either..ever...odd...but observers thought we all were a great family.

Becky, I imagine that today is very busy, with funeral arrangements, but I wanted you to know that I am thinking of you, and hope that your family is rallying around you, and being very supportive of one another too! Try to get some rest in here and there, and remember that this part doesn't need to be rushed. If services are put off for a week or more to allow for family and friends, allow that to happen, it's all about the ones left behind, and helping them and you to grieve now, and to celebrate PJ's life.

Don't make any rash decisions in the coming weeks, just take care of yourself and the family. Again, I am so sorry for your loss! Take Care!

Welcome susanNH you have come to a great place with lots of ears. Vent and vent away.

Well, house drywall supposed to be finished today. Will check tomorrow. Start of stucco today. Now it seems it is taking so long. Waiting and more waiting.

Sharyn, My thoughts are with you and your brother.

Glad, I am happy for you that things are coming along in your new home. Sounds exciting and energizing.

One dilemma forgot to mention is the problem with the reconstruction of the back shed. Its off from the kitichen and I ask the guy to fix the problem. It had whole in roof, lot of mold and mildew.. So now after two years and he is still not finished with it. (I made downpayment in november 2years ago.) (I bought cabinets from him that he found some where and paid for hime to put them up. Meanwhile the water spots are seen on the floor in 3areas of the floor not the one adjacent to house. and the mold spots are growing daily along with the smell. When I call he says its from the backup from the drain on roof when it rains. Really. Before I left for my trip he was saying he had to check and see if the drain pipe had a leak. I am really pissed off. I still owe him 500 and I am so tempted to tell him forget it I will find someone else. Only he is my go to person in an emergency. Any suggestions on how to handle this would be great. Last I called he say a little harshly I told you its coming from the drain, did you go up there and check the drain. I say no. Then he asks if I have any more questions.

I was not happy with him before about some work he had done previosuly and I was to fast in giving him the deposit. I appreciate any help.

Becky my thoughts are truly with you during this time of mourning and loss.

Duck, give him a deadline to finish and if he doesn't cut him loose. You can find a more reliable handyman. Maybe find the handyman now, have him finish the work. Then let the other know that you have found someone that will get the work done when you need it. NEVER pay anyone in advance for jobs like this. Always pay by the job, not by the hour. Jobs can linger forever that way.

How am I doing? Horrible! I have been arguing with my dad a lot this week. He has several symptoms of dementia, but I am not convinced that all of his behavior can be attributed to that. My one brother that was helping caretake up and left-told dad he was never coming back-and hasn’t been reachable since. That was 2 months ago. Before I did everything except actually live in the house and cook meals. The brother lived with him until he said he wouldn’t do it anymore, but did cook meals. Now I have home care coming in 5 days a week, 3 nights they cook and the other 4 I do. I still go see him every day except Saturday and Sunday which I save for myself and my husband. I do all his medical appointments, fill his med box, get meds, grocery shop, balance his checkbook that he endlessly messes up, ensure he has what he needs, drive him to whatever store he needs to visit etc. The issue has been he is just so mean and doesn’t care. He makes snide remarks about how I don’t really work hard at my job, has called me stupid, dismisses my anger at a second brother that has been verbally abusive and physically threatening to me for a decade, lies a lot etc. Today he said he would be happy if I just showed up everyday, took care of his needs and kept my mouth shut. When I was crying my eyes out telling him how hurtful he is and how his lack of understanding about the one abusive brother makes me feel he was laughing. I don’t want to be anywhere near him now and he couldn’t care less. I know he has always struggled with showing his emotions and I don’t think this presentation is dementia talking. I don’t have any choice but to continue to care for him, but I am so burnt out and tired of feeling like this about my own father. Rant over and thanks!