The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

I just learned this morning that my neightbor who is my age had a stroke in December. The news was shocking and sad. Her husband? was sitting in car infront of my house when I came in and I thought it was a man sitting in passenger and when I turned it was the wife? So I went over to speak because we always exchange information about the grands. Her son and my son were best friends until my nephews cames around and my mother started doing ugly stuff when he road past on his bike. It was almost like a feud and one day she and my mohter were at it and I told her I know how my mother is but I am not going to stand by and watch you hit her or harm her. So we didnt speak for years and one day she came to me and said lets put this behind and I was like sure and admired her for being the bigger person. We always spoke but there lack. Her father was a heavy drinkier and over the years if he asked me for a dollar or two in store I would just give it. Until she came to me fussing that I keep giving her father money. I didnt realize the harm I was doing. He later died. Then the mother came down with a poll wrapped in paper once for my mother. Nothing happened but it was not a nice picture. Then once when the kids were small I let them go to a party in the house two doors from these people. When I the lady I am speaking of approached me and said my nephew spat in her son's face. I told her not to worry I would straighten it out. As I rounded the boys up I have my son and nephew looking for the youngest nephew then see him getting beat up by the son. I send them to go break it up. And I tell her mother she should be ashamed of herself for sending the grandson out to get my nephew. she was hanging out the window telling him to kick his **butt. So when I got home my mother is saying she know I stood there and watched it, its my fault in front of the kids. I was baffeled and upset and had no recourse for someone who would believe I would do such a thing. Not only did she do this type of thing often it was with my son also. I didnt know about narcissism. I was young and a little stronger to let my hurt roll off my back and forgive it. And then years later this woman comes to apologize for something my mother started and say lets be friends again and let things go.

I know I wrote a whole book. But this is the jist of all the feeling that went through me. She and her mother used to make these beautiful huge doll houses for some seller and I would admire her work and ask about them. I have never seen any like that since. But they were to me every little girls dream. I always felt that she didnt know it was my mother instigating things and my mother had something negative to say about it like I started it.

I just feel bad for her, then knowing myself how painful it is to be helpless and unable to do the things we are used to doing. I am just so tired of sadness and hurting. Its like I want to make it go away not just for me but for everyone.
Anyway I know she reads, I have seen her exchange books with another friend who lives on the block. All our children played together. The other friend J and I have been close, and still are even after things that were not nice was going on with her. My cousin who just passed was crazy about her for a minute, thank goodness she didnt fall for him LOL he was the worlds #1 womanizer.

I tend to ramble. I am thinking to give her a few books, a card and a plant. I have lots of books, some I havent read and probably won't. I just want to show some report and love. right after I choke the handyman. :)

He is basically trying to say that the problem is the drain on roof. If its clogged with leaves then the water backs up and enter the shed; I am going to call him again. Tried this afternoon. He usually calls me back because it usually means money. I am so pissed about the mold every time I open that shed. It becomeing a health problem again for me and my mother. My lungs are already damaged with the exposure from the wtc. I am even more sensitive because I am congested and it takes a long time for me to recover. Meanwhile my cough gets worse and its harder to get the phlegm out. So I am highly frustrated because I thought it was fixed and here I go again.

Just FYI ddduck...
I could be wrong, , but it is my understanding that if it is black mold, the shed should be dismantled using hazmat suits, and disposed of by a professional company handling toxic debris. Have an inspection on the home too. In the meantime, stay away from the shed. Very dangerous.
Symptoms of exposure can mimic dementia or mental illness. imo.

Two nights in a row I have slept great. Difference? I has been so cool here I have to close the windows, no traffic noise. Throughout my life I have lived on fairly major streets or the furthest about 150 feet away. Major road about 100 feet from my bedroom here. Just noisy places to live.

New house? Not a major street at all. Small subdivision by city standards. Plains views , corn fields, agriculture equipment, just quiet. With AC so can have Windows closed on hot days.

Susan, you're doing fine being a caregiver from afar.  I grew up with 7 siblings.  I don't ever recall being hugged or praised or encouraged to make something of my life.  When Nana used to visit us, we all scrambled to sit on her lap.  She had no problem touching us with affections.  She was old - with lots of wrinkles... I always thought we had a normal life.  Until in my 20's and met some religious people.  I learned what a 'normal' family is like.  They had no problems saying those 4 letter word of affection.  Love.  I still stumble when saying that word or writing it down.  My niece chuckles when her kids tell me that they love me and I literally stutter trying to say that I love them. 

BillsDaughter, have you researched on options in your area for your father in order to cut back your time dealing with him? It sounds like he's a mean person who enjoys hurting, demeaning people around him. He loves the power of hurting you. My dad used to physically hit me on the head while I was in the middle of changing my mom's pamper. Like all physically abused person, after a while, you become jumpy whenever the abuser makes a sudden movement with his hands. My dad actually showed he enjoyed watching me jump with fear. I could see it in his face. I've learned that it's best to Not show that they've hurt you. No More Crying. You should only do that privacy. No flinching. Try to look back with a calm face - as if it didn't hurt. It's hard. Trust me. My dad would say hurtful things and he would have this watchful look in his face - waiting for me to flinch or strike back in anger... Be very careful. My dad's verbal and physical abuse escalated. One day, he was going to choke me. He approached me with so much anger, his hands stretched out to grab my throat. This time, I just didn't stand there taking it. I poised my body to fight back for my life. He saw my fighting stance, right arm swung back and ready to punch him, both hands clenched in fists. I quickly decided that he's bigger than me, double my weight. (I was only 90 lbs.) I only had one chance to hit him as hard as I could and then RUN out of the house. He stopped when he saw that I was going to fight back.

DDDuck, time to forget this 'handyman' who is not really handy. 2 years is a long time, don't you think? I know how difficult it is to find someone to help fix around the house. I have plumbing and electrical issues on this old house. (Oldest bro of next door is an electrician. He can fix/change other people's homes electricals for free but not ours.) Asking relatives is frustrating because it can take months or never (our electrical) for them to come and fix it. I've learned that it's best to just call the professional, pay a high price for the repair .. Get it over and done.

Your handyman doesn't sound reliable. He sounds lazy, slacks off - even when he was paid. I would worry about him doing shortcuts. Or a lousy, poor-piss job of repairs. Do you really want to pay someone who does a lousy job? Call around, google for it and the reviews, call up when you've narrowed it down to 3 businesses.

Bookluvr, thank you for understanding. I have also become very close to my church. Just in last 20 yrs or so. I love it..and love is the operative word. The people are loving, and most seem to be from loving families, where people hug and kiss, and say and show their love, and have real interests in one another I joined the choir..which is so good, we sing at different cathedrals in Europe during the summer. It's hard hard work. And I love it more than anything. My mind has to zero in. And focus. That's why I love math and programming too. My mind has to focus only on the task at hand. I quit my job 6 years ago, to help with the caretaking . I went back for 2 years as a contractor. But..my real point is, I now study those happy vouples and families, and try to learn how it's done. I am warm, huggy with my friends, but all my past relationships were guided by my dysfunctional upbringing. I just didn't know what warmand normal was. I do now .out never had it. And next week I go see my dad for a couple of days, as he needs my help on something. I'll also see my best friend..thank God. I hope I can just be politely silent so as to not ignite his explosive rath again. Thanks for listening

Have any of you encountered a situation where, your aging relative does something nice for you. Then accuses you of taking something of theirs?

I am not leading up to bipolar disorder.

Book, Thanks for the advice. Well hear I go again. He lives across the street, I hate to cause bad blood and keep the $500 I owe him and look for someone else. And yes I complained and fussed at the work he did. The extension outside the shed was already low and he just started building under it making it about 2inches less over head. Which means I can stand up under it but its close to my head and I am about 5'7". Not to mention the poor job with the sink. Yes indeed, I have always had bad feelings once I contacted him. I always felt he was taking advantage. Especially after the sink thing where he charge me 185 to change all the pipes to the white new stuff and fix the drain. The sink is still clogged. The thing is that I could possibly get a small lump sum and I mean small and I would be willing to spend a chunk to remodel that entire kitchen bathroom and shed. Anyone with wide hips cant even get in the space where the toilet is.. Oh well, its always something.

Well good news is I ordered this crock pot express. My funds said to wait but I didnt. It will probably be a while before I see my self using it. But I have been wanting collard greens since my sister turned off the gas and bbQ pig feet yum yum. I had packaged to be delivered to store where I pick up breakfast and lunch sometimes.

Chris, having someone accuse you of taking something of theirs is one of the most painful things I experienced with my mother. forget the do something nice thing. The sad part was that my sister and nephew believed her. Thats why we are in a bad place now because of her manipulation. This in the longrun has hurt her care.

Its part of dementia. But I have to say my mother had been doing the accussation thing for as long as I could remember. someone was always doing something to her. When she started accusing my son the first time and only time I nipped it in the bud. Told her dont start that with my son. He is a lot of things but he is not a theif. My poor oldest nephew who was a "bonified" thief, (got caught stealing many times), got it real bad from my mother and sister with their narcissistic ways. I would often stand up for them like he was my son. He was accused of everything under the sun once he got his title.

Sometimes when I look back at that pain I can laugh or see humor in it. I often did, Its a rather cruel humor. Its like when I worked EMS. The humor was sordid but it helped us keep our sanity. It would crack us up this type of humor.

Once when I posted someone told me to try to find some humor, in the situation. Although when happening I couldnt. I would easily jive my mother before she got bad. If she ask me to go to the store I would tell her I need a receipt when I give her her change,

Its amazing, I would give her anything the shirt off my back, burn up all my gas riding her around to find something. run out in the rain to get a sump pump buy her cakes every week. Bring her groceries, cook and clean. While my sister didnt even come by to say hello. But years later she moves in and dont have to pay a cent for anything and dont even have money to give my mother to get dog food when I dropped them to a store. Its amazing.

All of these things are so heavy on my mind. I have doctors apt this week which will result in a battery of more appointments. I am feeling burnt out, so soon after getting away from it all.

Is this life........ I sure hope what left of my life gets a hellofa lot better, and happier.
I am grateful because I do have some wonderful people in my life, my son and daughter in law and grands, and then there is this forum. But sometimes it gets lonely, and sad especially since It seems I keep reliving the same theme, ugly sabataoge and continually trying to clear a mist and live right among self absorbed, spiteful selfrigheousness. Any and evey thing I do is an insult to their core and if I dont do anything I feel guilty to my core.

Thanks for baring with my crazy.

Send, Thanks! Yikes. Good to know. I will check and see if its dark brown or black. May be why I am so frustrated. The door stays closed. I will definitely get it checked out.

DDDuck, why do you feel obligated to pay in full if the work was not completed and sloppy? To assuage your conscience, then just give half of what's agreed because the job was never completed. Just imagine yourself as a business person. You hired someone to do the work. If that person 'finished' the job, you, the manager of the business looks over the work before paying. If you see what you're seeing now, do you really believe a manager would pay the handyman the full amount?

Duck, a more fundamental question: why are you spending money to remodel a home that belongs to your mother? Are you on the title? Do you have a lease?

I assume that when your mom passes, you will be in need of a place to live. Or better, you should be looking for someplace else to live now.

Duck, I have read your posts about the repairs, etc on the house. You have posted on several occasions that you don’t have adequate income, no retirement, etc. Yet you are constantly purchasing items for the home and making repairs, working on a shed. I agree with Barb, you should not be spending money on this house. You should be saving for your own retirement or future housing needs. You have no guarantee on the disposition of this house. If your sister and nephew inherit, would you even be allowed to continue to live there. Start saving and quit spending.
Make a plan for yourself.

Seconding Barb and Becky.

susan - welcome, Your story is familiar -the verbal abuse, the need to detach and distance and the need to take care of yourself. I know even at a distance it gets to you. Mother never hugged me either. Thankfully my father did. A good church is a wonderful resource. You must be talented singing in Europe! If dad gets abusive walk out!

glad the stucco has started!!!!! I envy you that great sleep!

duck - "I hate to cause bad blood" YOU are not the one causing bad blood. You have been trained by your dysfun fam to think you are the cause of everything that goes wrong. This handyman is clearly remiss. Don't throw any more good money after bad. If you are concerned about the mold and your health -get a professional opinion as to whether or not it is the toxic type, Not all black molds are toxic. I don't think you can tell by looking at it, Good points have been made about you not spending money on a home you may not be able to stay in once you r mother does.

billsdaughter - your dad is abusive. Probably his behaviour is a mixture of his usual and dementia. My mother has a personality disorder. When the dementia kicked in mother got worse -her negative traits were more exaggerated. Could that be the case with your dad? In any case you have to look after you and only do what you can. Sounds like you have some boundaries. Good! Finding more resources to replace you would be a good idea.

chris - sounds like dementia. Paranoia and accusation are often early signs and hard to take.

sharyn - thinking of you and your brother. Keep us updated as to how he is doing.

stacey - nice to see you posting a bit

Smoke warnings again from the bc fires. Hope the air quality improves soon.

All - look after you. Group (((((((hugs))))

The only update I have is the drs have successfully removed my brother off both sedation meds and are reducing the seizure med while monitoring him. We are hoping by Friday or Saturday they can bring him out of the induced coma.

It is smokey here as well, has been all week.

Glad, yay! Stucco has began.

Some how how I missed posts for Susan and Billsdaugjter. You both have been given good suggestions.

Duck, I agree, you need to be planning for your retirement and a place to live once your mom is gone. Take care of yourself.

Got thru the funeral and burial. I guess it’s time to settle down into my new reality. Not something I’m looking forward to, but I’ll get thru it.

(((Becky))) No words, just hugs. Thinking of you and your family.

Becky, (((Hugs)))!!

I love this group. I am so happy I found it. Hugs to ALL who need it...I'll be visiting my The Great Santini father on Monday-Wednesday...or Tuesday if I need to escape. I'll let you know how that goes..and if he explodes at me again, Everyone...take care of yourselves.

Becky, time to rest now, as I'm sure it's been overwhelming for you these past few days, especially since you are barely over a big surgery yourself. Let the others take the reigns now, and have a few days to just breathe. I hope PJ had a Beautiful sendoff. Still so very sad for you, you take care of your self! Hugs!

DRYWALL! Nearly complete, still need to tape and texture. No outside stucco yet.

Sharon, News sounds better about your brother.

Glad, Your house is coming right along! You’ll be decorating and moving in before you know it!!

I'm just fed up today, beyond belief. I've been up there with mom 3 separate times this week. Had 2 eye appts and a doctor's appt to take her to this week. She had one of her cataract lenses cleaned with a laser so we had to do the pre-appt then the appt for the actual procedure. Had to take her also to get tested for UTI, which was negative.

Mom asked me when I would be back, I told her Tuesday of next week when she has her follow up eye appt. She was mad that I wouldn't be back sooner. This was the other day that we had this conversation.

So this morning I get a call from the facility that apparently mom called my sister (don't know how she got the #, I guess she must have remembered it), and told my sister that I just put her in that place and never come see her, and said she wanted my sister to come get her.

The manager there said that my sister did call, but they told her they didn't have anyone by mom's name there. They know the story about all that has happened, and even were there during the phone conversation where mom confronted my sis about the theft and abusive and hateful things she did to her when she was living in mom's home. The facility is trying to protect mom too by not letting her leave with anyone but me.

But, here's my anguish, frustration, anger about this whole thing. I have bent over backwards to help mom, and help her recover from everything she went through with my sister. I have not asked for nor am I getting paid, as I know mom can't afford it. Unlike my sister who was taking most of mom's check every month for a salary (couldn't even buy mom clothes) and stole most of her savings, which is why the judge appointed me to be mom's guardian. So essentially, I'm stressing myself out doing hours of unpaid labor for someone that doesn't even appreciate anything I do. I think I have finally realized that.

I called mom's attorney and told him what was going on and that I want to relinquish guardianship. He said that my sister and I are the only two next of kin that could be appointed, and that my sister's atty will try to get her appointed. I don't see how, with an open APS case against her that has been turned over to the DA and a pending judgment for the money she stole, but whatever. I ask if we could request a state appointed guardian. He said he has never dealt with that before, and that I should call the APS worker who filed the case to find out. Surprising, since he is an elder law attorney, but that's what I will do.

He also suggested that I go up there and talk to my mom and try to call my sister to see if we can "talk it out." I'm not doing it. Right now, I don't even want to speak to my mom, and I sure don't want to speak to my sister, who has done nothing but harass me throughout this whole process.

I'm just going to see what I can find out from APS...I've tried and tried to do the right thing and all I get is anguish. Thanks for listening to my vent.

sharyn - good progress for your bro Yay!

becky - you will get through it but I know it is tough.

susan - absolutely let us know how it goes and protect yourself as you need to Mother was a rage-aholic. Finally I learned to hang up or walk away.

glad you must be starting to feel that you have a home. Is it fun walking through it?

frazz -totally understand all your feelings. Your atty said to work it out? He does not have a clue about narcs or guardianship it seems. Could you get a second opinion?!!! Hope the APS is helpful. It is good the facility is supportive.
"essentially, I'm stressing myself out doing hours of unpaid labor for someone that doesn't even appreciate anything I do. I think I have finally realized that."
Good!!! The main thing is that your mum is properly cared for. You do not have to be involved. Sounds like time to step down. From what I have read on here your sis would not have much of a chance to be appointed guardian, but you need to hear that from an elder lawyer.Let us know what APS says and how you are,

Smoky again today, but a little rain later which cleared things up a bit. We don't have it as bad as points south do. Still working on balancing my thyroid. Sleeping better but little energy. There has to be a sweet spot where I can sleep and have some energy too!!!

Take care all! Do something good for you.

Yes, it is fun to walk through it. First time today I noticed how high the hallway ceiling is, to the two spare bedrooms! Must be nine feet at least. Wide open. Today picked the texture for walls and ceiling. Started to look at appliances, great sales for Labor Day. I am starting to get impatient.

Sharyn, how is your bro doing today. It sounds like he is getting better.

Twisted sisters, Frazzled, brings back unpleasant memories. Sorry you have to go through this.

Golden, take care of yourself. And thinking about it, this will be the first home of MINE that I will live in in about seven years! Four of those with mom, and then the struggling vagabond for the past three years. Such a strange time in my life!

Becky, you will get through it.

Just remembered I took a picture.

Glad, What is the pix of, I can't quite make it out, is it your new AVATAR?

Avatar is of doorway to hallway. Probably about a nine foot ceiling. What will I do with all that wall?