
Many of us, myself included, come from a dysfunctional family which adds a lot of weight to the challenges of caregiving. I have read stores on various threads on other topics and decided it would be good to have a thread just for this topic for people to share, vent and discuss.
The idea for this thread originated on the thread named "The Caregiver....How are YOU doing today?"
My suggestion would be a mediator who can work with the family to help organise contact with your mother without antagonising your father - could be a professional, or could be a friend or family member who he respects and will listen to.
I understand how horrified you must be by the way he is behaving; but you have to bear in mind that there is a hierarchy here, and he is your mother's husband, her next of kin, and the person who is travelling with her day by day. Alcoholism would make it worse - "there is no situation, however terrible, which cannot be made worse by alcohol" - but he does have other reasons for being wildly off balance, does he not?
Your siblings, being on the spot and permitted to enter the house, at least, should be able to find out who exactly is on your mother's care team and whether it's time to get reinforcements. Get together all the detail you can so you can see what her needs actually are. At this point in her disease, it may be that take outs and milkshakes are all she can manage. Try to avoid making assumptions.
Flying out there and staying perhaps with a sibling might be no bad thing. But don't do it planning confrontation or hostilities. Do it to be part of the family. You are all in this together.
In Jewish circles, we write checks in multiples of 18, because the number 18 in the equivalent of the letters of the word "life" (chai) in Hebrew.
So, 18, 36, 54.....
She had a turn the night before last and become non-responsive, nor would she take anything by mouth. So she was given comfort care and didn't really wake up again. They told me a day, maybe two. I asked my friend the monk to come visit and he brought the priest (Russian Orthodox - mom was baptized RO). I thought it would bring her some comfort, and maybe it did. She's been so afraid of dying. Maybe that's why she felt ok to finally let go after being so sick for so long. Who knows. It was kind of nice, with the singing/chanting.
I stayed overnight on the pullout bed in her hospice room, but she started sawing logs about 4, so I went to sleep in the family room. The nurses woke me a bit after 6, maybe 6:30. It must have been pretty peaceful, she went in her sleep, snoring like nobody's business. Bro was planning to drive up first thing this morning, but I called him right away. He really is too sick to drive 4.5 hours and back, just to say goodbye to a body with no one in it.
Anyway. The build up to this has been so stressful, I feel like I haven't slept in a month. I'm hoping to catch up a bit this weekend.....
I hope now, that you can go forth and get back into the music that you so enjoy, and Make Money at it to boot! Time for you now, you take care of your self! Hugs, Stacey ❤
Barb, interesting about the 18's, thanks. There are so many Jewish traditions that most of us do not know about.
Just realized the fire was four years ago, today. So.much has happened and so much still seems the same. Brings a bit of frustration with twisteds. Never an offer of any help with anything. Though they sure wanted my help cleaning out mom's house. They were probably thinking that I deserve everything I got. Water under the bridge, what a very strange seven years this has been. Getting ready to settle in somewhere, finally. New home, New life, New challenges.
It may not feel real for a bit, Dori. I think that's normal. And maybe you'll have your own unique-to-you response to this huge life event. Whatever form the grief process takes for you, I hope you can make peace with all of it. There's nothing more you could have done. You were there, you cared, you gave, you did your best. Your mother is at peace. Whatever fear she felt about dying is no more.
Hugs to you, hugs to your mom. You did great!!
it's been a hard year - you can rest now -
if you wake during the night, do a search for KD Lang performing hallelujah
Find your comfort where you can. And the days when everything is prickly.....well, that’s that. Don’t beat yourself up. See what the next day brings.
Take solace in your music 🎶 🎼🎵
Thinking of you. 💕💕
in the 70’s here. I love this cooler weather.