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Glad, you may like a gallery wall of family pictures to fill up the space.
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Talking with my sister last night and she told me she heard on NPR news about research into a muscle relaxer called bacolfen. People are reporting it has stopped alcohol cravings. These people took/ take the drug for muscle spasms. They also are alcoholics. The drug gabapentin apparently does the same thing. Bacolfen is non narcotic which is very good news. Wouldn’t it be amazing to take a non narcotic drug to help alcoholics stop drinking? It’s a drug that has been around for a long time. The biggest reason addiction can happen is because of genetic markers....according to this program my sister listened to.
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Hi, I am new to this forum. I am 50 years old and have been married to my wonderful husband for 28 years. Our children are both in their twenties now. His mother passed away 3 1/2 years ago after a long lung disease. We live near his family and 3000 miles away from mine. 6 years ago my mother was first diagnosed with estrogen positive breast cancer stage 3. Earlier this year my parents found out it spread to her lung, lymph nodes and has malignant liquid in her lung. She cannot do chemo due to a heart condition and so is on Ibrance. My problem is, my father is a functioning alcoholic and has caused terrible dysfunction in the family. He is has told me I am not welcome out there (even though I have gone every year until 2 years ago) and won't even let my younger 2 siblings that do live out there to help much, if at all. We just found out it has spread to her lymph nodes and she has lost 30 pounds - she didn't have 30 pounds to loose. I am my wits end, but my mom doesn't have the energy to fight with him. He doesn't know how to cook, so all she eats is milkshakes and take out. I am just so frustrated and sad and my husband can't believe a family could behave like this, as his family is totally the opposite. We are ready to just fly out there and demand to see her. Any thoughts or advice?
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Hello Stacy and welcome. I'm so sorry to read about your mother and what this wicked disease is doing to her.

My suggestion would be a mediator who can work with the family to help organise contact with your mother without antagonising your father - could be a professional, or could be a friend or family member who he respects and will listen to.

I understand how horrified you must be by the way he is behaving; but you have to bear in mind that there is a hierarchy here, and he is your mother's husband, her next of kin, and the person who is travelling with her day by day. Alcoholism would make it worse - "there is no situation, however terrible, which cannot be made worse by alcohol" - but he does have other reasons for being wildly off balance, does he not?

Your siblings, being on the spot and permitted to enter the house, at least, should be able to find out who exactly is on your mother's care team and whether it's time to get reinforcements. Get together all the detail you can so you can see what her needs actually are. At this point in her disease, it may be that take outs and milkshakes are all she can manage. Try to avoid making assumptions.

Flying out there and staying perhaps with a sibling might be no bad thing. But don't do it planning confrontation or hostilities. Do it to be part of the family. You are all in this together.
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FIL home alone again for the weekend. His grandson is getting married, ( in a rush so they can qualify for a huge mortgage..LOL) and of course he is NOT invited.. This is the son of the son he lives with,, WTH?? We are also not invited.. didn't expect to be due to the rush, they just got engaged last week... I feel this is very rude, to say the least! So he visited us for a few hours today, hubs took him to get fresh corn. So since they say your wedding gift should equal what the couple pay for your meal, etc... guess what they are getting? And I am very sure we will get an announcement card of some sort down the line..LOL.. OK, I am sure I will send them a check, because I am that way,, but I'll be annoyed when I write it!
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That old thing about the wedding gift being the equivalent of the cost....it's no longer the rule. You give what you want. Wedding gifts shouldn't be expected.

In Jewish circles, we write checks in multiples of 18, because the number 18 in the equivalent of the letters of the word "life" (chai) in Hebrew.

So, 18, 36, 54.....
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Good info about the gift and timely for me. I got an invitation to a wedding Jewish couple. Now I know how to write my check.
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Very cool info Barb! I like to give a small gift and a check. For the last few weddings I have given a nice picture frame and a check. for next wedding coming up I got a Yankee Candle scented "wedding cake" and I will give that with the check. We are currently in wedding season for all my cousins children..
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Hey there fellow dysfunction survivors.....I didn't want to make a whole thread for this, just wanted to let you know that Mom passed around 6 this morning. And my last words to her were, "Well, if you're gonna keep snoring, I'm gonna go sleep in the other room."

She had a turn the night before last and become non-responsive, nor would she take anything by mouth. So she was given comfort care and didn't really wake up again. They told me a day, maybe two. I asked my friend the monk to come visit and he brought the priest (Russian Orthodox - mom was baptized RO). I thought it would bring her some comfort, and maybe it did. She's been so afraid of dying. Maybe that's why she felt ok to finally let go after being so sick for so long. Who knows. It was kind of nice, with the singing/chanting.

I stayed overnight on the pullout bed in her hospice room, but she started sawing logs about 4, so I went to sleep in the family room. The nurses woke me a bit after 6, maybe 6:30. It must have been pretty peaceful, she went in her sleep, snoring like nobody's business. Bro was planning to drive up first thing this morning, but I called him right away. He really is too sick to drive 4.5 hours and back, just to say goodbye to a body with no one in it.

Anyway. The build up to this has been so stressful, I feel like I haven't slept in a month. I'm hoping to catch up a bit this weekend.....
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Hugs, Dori. I'm very sorry for your loss. Thinking of you and your family.
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Dori, I’m sorry for your loss. It’s been a long, hard journey for both you and your mom. I’m glad that her end was peaceful. Take care of yourself.
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(((((((hugs))))) dori. My sympathies on your loss. You have done very well. The timing of the move to hospice was good. Your mum is not suffering any more. Soon now you can look after you.
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Dori, so sorry for your loss! You have been an Amazing daughter and Caregiver, having given up so much of your own life, for the care of your Mom. I am so glad her end was peaceful for you both. Rest up now, your Mom is in Heaven and you deserve a good long sleep to be sure! Hospice care can be so draining on your body and spirit too.

I hope now, that you can go forth and get back into the music that you so enjoy, and Make Money at it to boot! Time for you now, you take care of your self! Hugs, Stacey ❤
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Much love to you Dori, my heart and prayers go out to you and for you.
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Dori, I’m sorry for your loss. You have done an excellent job taking care of your mom. Take your time with service arrangements and take care of yourself.
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Dori, I am so sorry. You can now, like Stacy said get back to your music and other things you enjoy, especially your own place. Take care of you whatever means the most to you is what is most important.

Barb, interesting about the 18's, thanks. There are so many Jewish traditions that most of us do not know about.

Just realized the fire was four years ago, today. So.much has happened and so much still seems the same. Brings a bit of frustration with twisteds. Never an offer of any help with anything. Though they sure wanted my help cleaning out mom's house. They were probably thinking that I deserve everything I got. Water under the bridge, what a very strange seven years this has been. Getting ready to settle in somewhere, finally. New home, New life, New challenges.
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I'm so sorry Dori. We know this caregiving journey, and also every person's journey, is heading ultimately to death... but it's still so very difficult to experience, such a shock.

It may not feel real for a bit, Dori. I think that's normal. And maybe you'll have your own unique-to-you response to this huge life event. Whatever form the grief process takes for you, I hope you can make peace with all of it. There's nothing more you could have done. You were there, you cared, you gave, you did your best. Your mother is at peace. Whatever fear she felt about dying is no more.

Hugs to you, hugs to your mom. You did great!!
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Dori

it's been a hard year - you can rest now -

if you wake during the night, do a search for KD Lang performing hallelujah
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Gigantic hugs, Dorianne. You did good, our kid. Take special care of yourself.
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(((((((((Hugs))))))))). Get some sleep. Cuddle the kitties.
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I had been wondering and worrying for you Dorianne, I'm sorry for your loss but glad that this stressful journey will soon be just a memory - try to hold tight to the good parts and let go of all the rest.
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Sorry to hear about your mom Dori. They’ll be a bunch of stuff to take care of, but take it easy. Many of us have BEEN THERE DONE THAT. It will get easier soon.
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Love to you Dori. Funny how they wait til we leave the room...my mom too. You were a great daughter and stayed true to your word. The best that any of us can do.
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Thinking of you Dori, and hoping you can now get on with your life. You were a great daughter, even when you felt stressed and upset about it.. And I am sure she knew it.
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Dori, I'm sorry. When my Mom was in her short term of Hospice..comfort care, the only goal was to allow her to die, comfortably, it was so odd for me. But with death being the best thing to happen, I did research as to why she was hanging on so long (no liquids, no food, and morphine) I read that many times they won't 'let go' and die, with loved ones in the room. Low and behold, when I left to return to my home to retrieve some items, (and to get away from my Dad for a short while..a whole other story, hence the reason I'm in this Dysfunctional Family group)..but, when I left...she died. It was a blessed relief. I had said goodbye. I had said it was time to go...but she hung on...until I left. So..your Mom was snoring away, and then, when alone..could let go. I hope you are doing OK.
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Oh Dori. Big hugs. You were so good to your mother. She exited peacefully, and with the blessings of her faith.

Find your comfort where you can. And the days when everything is prickly.....well, that’s that. Don’t beat yourself up. See what the next day brings.

Take solace in your music 🎶 🎼🎵

Thinking of you. 💕💕
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Dorianne, my thoughts and prayers are with you. Big Hugs to you!
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My brother is partially responding and he is moving his head and flickering his eyes. They are reducing the coma meds like they did the others. The ventilator was removed and a traq was put put in because of less chance of infection. Its looking good!

in the 70’s here. I love this cooler weather.
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Dori, My thoughts and prayers are with you. Its hard to find words to express symptathy and understanding sometimes. We go through so much and watch each other go through so much. Just think of your good moments with her when things get to hard to bare or you get real down. Take it easy and be sure to try and rest. You did your best and seems you got her in hospice just in time. Just flash to those memories, the good ones with her smiling at you, and you smiling back.
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Sharyn, you and your brother are in my thoughts and prayers.
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