The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Sharyn, sounds like good news on your bro! Great!

I have been off for a few days. I am so sorry to hear the bad news.

Becky I hope you are okay.

I really love this family here, this AC family. When something happens or I feel a certain way I come here and I am so grateful that I can. Sometimes I cant wait to post what happens I am glad I can do that. It helps to know you are out there.

Aside from the regular stress, I was sick. A little listless. My mother had not been eating well. Her meals on wheels were cut down to weekends, 3 frozen dinners. I have been calling to get her reinstated to daily. So anyway, Ist day off I had doctor appointment. Now I have a few followups to do, mainly the thyroid sonogram.

So on way home I stopped at store to see if my crock pot express came. It did! I put it up, didnt even open it. My mother was eating poorly, I didnt feel like cooking and was motivated by a friend to get up off my but and get stuff done so I can rest on my last day off. So I Did just that.

I went and bought some pig feet, greens, pig tails. All of which I have not cooked since my sister had the gas stove turned off. I learned that this pot can slow cook, pressure cook all that good stuff. I dropped the food off. Putting chicken to soak, the greens and the pig feet.. Telling my mother we going to be cooking up a storm to day. God her all excited on board. So I go to get clothes from laundry and pick up a few things. I ended up sitting on my friend's steps as she did her gardening and then a woman who is a poet and professor walked up and I was immersed in a good conversation about her recent visit to Paris.

While I fold laundry I was thinking I am not up to this cooking. When I get home the whole box is gone. I look up and down basement, every where, I call nephew and ask him to call his mother and brother. He says my sister hadnt seen it. (which is either a lie, or she really does not pay any attention to anytghing in the house. including my mother.) So now I go out to buy dinner. Upon returning my nephew shows up, He ask what happens and starts looking for it with his phone light on. (PLease) this is the oldest one who runs the streets. I asked him looking him straight in the eye. I almost believed he was being honest. When I said Karma would take care of it kind of turned back. Then the twisted comes down like she ready for combat while he and I are talking. she has a good way of secret talking so I didnt hear what transpired but it made me laugh inside because when my nephew first started stealing she should have nipped it in the bud. then she and my mother would accuse him of everythging with me protecting him sometimes. If its so this would be the first time I know of him stealing from me. He stole my son's velour sweat suit. Years ago. It was real nice and costly some desiigner his generation is into that. Well I went right to the nephew house and got it back.

I had also notice ice trays and dish detergent missing. I didnt think anytihng of it now I guess he has got a new place to live?!>>>>

Okay, so here is the good part. When I came in my mother was ardently"seasoning" the pigfeet and pig tails. I noted it when I came in, it was funny but I was in shock of where this thing might be. After I searched to no avail, I went to rescue my meats. she had put baking powder in the greens, Lol, I was like what the hell!. My mother was buzzing. going 30miles and hour put all kind of stuff on the meat, I chose to get my chicken wings the freezer and to dump the greens before I reacued the meat. I turned around at the sink just in time to see my mother squeezin hallf the bottle of dish liquid, ajx and palmol. green and yellow. WTF!!! I had to laugh, after I screamed what are you doing. so I washed all the meat and put it ih freezer. I will be ordering another pot this week. some one suggested the nuwav. I will compare.

Now the night before. I couldnt get her away from the door yelling my name. Every one she saw was me. At the gate just yelling and fussing.

I felt ashamed. I couldn't get her to stay from the gate. She fought me when I pulled her away, only to go back. I think that was "sun-downing" she had to see this man no matter what. Same way she was the first time she got away and was missing. It was sad. I just had to leave her to be.

Plus she hadn't eaten well at all. its really sad and then I see mail where my sister has gotten from the family leave act. I am like she stays up stairs. I wash, clean and cook. Sometimes I just have to leave the pee in hall. I feel guilty but since I have learned who my sister is and got a taste of how she thinks, I leave it. I see she is a lot like my mother, who used to say to me "I am tired of cleaning up behind you", which would shock me into realizing she was transferring her stuff on me. My sister says the same kind of things. I dont engage her anymore. Her number is out of my phone. But I am really having a problem understanding and dealing with her tendency to blame me for everything, realizing she really believes her delusion. Its like when we were kids, I used to always tell her that that balloon she lives in was going to bust one day.

I thought about responding to a post about being wrongly accused and in so many words I said to find the humor. That post popped right in my head when the dish washing liquid incident happened. I was glad I could find humor after my pot was stolen and it does help.

I had thought about recording my mother. You know, we used to do a lot of preparation for events and holidays. Maybe the one time we really got along because I would buy everything and then help her cook. So when I made this plan to cook with her she was on board and while I was cleaning before I left she was telling me all these conspiracies about someone. Or would say I'ma make you laugh (listen to this). I want to record her on those days. I was very seldom able to talk to my mother. If I told her stuff she would use it or try to use it against me. She would make up outrageous lies to hurt me and the accusations hurt because if she believed what she was saying then she didn't know me at all.

I try to stay away from the bad memories but a present event will make me remember and it goes on and on.

Next week I will be 58, God willing. Going out to dinner with my girlfiend and colleague who is retiring on thurday. She got a boytoy when I first met her about 18 years ago. Takes him to atalantic city, shopping then sends him home. A sugar mama. I admired her back then and now, she is still handling her business. LOL.

I hope everyone is maintianing. Rays of divine love and peace and happiness to all.

Hello all.....thank you so much for your thoughts and kind words. I am still of mixed emotions about everything. Trying to remember the good and let go of the bad. Torn between feeling relief in no longer being a caregiver to a querulous old woman, and wishing I was a better person to my mother in her last year of life. All of those things.

My mother seems to have gotten her true last wish though: I think my brother and I are becoming friends again. This last month or two, I don't think there are many decisions I've made without him. We have had some long and thoughtful conversations, and even done a little bit of processing together, about BOTH of our mixed feelings and such. It's been pretty good, actually.....and the funny thing is he's been the one to gently make me see the good side of mom, while I've been the one to let him know her bad side wasn't all about him all these years.

I remember this one conversation, the evening after she passed, where I was trying to let him know how much she loved him. He said, "I know. I just don't think she liked me very much."

I was kind of delighted to let him know, "She didn't like ME very much either, towards the end!"

And we talked about the nature of negativity and mom's depression, and maybe both learned not to take mom's "stuff" so personally. Truly, mom didn't like anyone, in a way.

So we are hoping to do the memorial the week after Labour Day weekend. I missed the funeral home guy's phone call Saturday, so we'll be talking Monday. (Honestly, I didn't want to talk about it this weekend anyway! I kind of took a couple of days off from "adulting.") Mom apparently pre-paid and pre-arranged the whole thing 15 years ago. The only thing I had to really sort out so far was how to get mom from here to Vancouver, where the service will be. (The funeral home's "sister organization" here in town took charge of that - she'll be cremated here and I can take her ashes to Vancouver.) Then we are going to put her ashes in the ocean, which isn't in the will (probably because it's not technically legal), but it's what she told us she wanted.

We actually haven't told anyone yet. His boss knows, and a few of my friends here in town know. But we don't want to put mom's Twisted Sister (I like that phrase) and my Creepy Cousin on alert so we're waiting till the funeral date is set to start making calls. I really wish we could just tell them after it's all over and done with, but someone from the old neighbourhood will be on the phone to mom's TS in a heartbeat. So no point trying to be subversive about it. Apparently mom arranged for a limousine in her funeral arrangements! I don't know why since we're not going to the cemetary, and there's no other reason to use it. I told bro I wouldn't ride with auntie and cousin, and he doesn't want to either, so we're going to see if we can use the limo to transport mom's friends who have mobility issues to the service, instead of using it for the family. Then no one can complain about being shut out or whatever.

Take the high road, he says, when I express bitterness or resentment and want them nowhere near any of this. Then two days later he's resentful and bitter and wants them nowhere near, and I'm saying, Take the high road! So hard to have to plan your mother's funeral around a pair of "predators," as brother calls them. But at least we're a team now! Lol.

Here in town, even though my brother can't come help with stuff (he's just so sick), my friends are rallying around to help, and my stepsister too, even though she only met my mom once in her life and doesn't even remember it. Got to get all the paperwork and stuff together this week, and I suppose photos of mom for the service. Maybe some of her paintings for display, if they'll allow that. After the service, mom's apartment.

I'm running out of characters, I guess I'd better post this!

Dorianne; I'm so glad that you and your brother are able to team up to get your mom's final wishes taken care of.

Duck; why are you throwing good money after bad? It sounds like these folks will steal or spoil anything you bring into this vermin infested bedlam. Why are you not making plans to re-locate?

You have a nursing license, yes? That's probably the most portable license in the country. You can get out of NYC and go somewhere where the cost of living is less and start socking away some cash for your retirement.

You mentioned that you had worked for EMS; do you have a pension that you can claim from them when the time comes?

Dori, good to hear about you and bro! Twisted sister (there was a band too, wasn't there?) Is for all as it fits so many relationships that I have read about here. Duck has one too. And the term helped me to detach from my situation.

Funny, or maybe not, following mom's memorial TS1 had family to her home for a bbq. I can't remember the entire discussion but I said to ts2 that mom would not have wanted to live as she had been for so many years. Ts2 turned to me with a look of complete shock on her face. It seemed that she had expected me to be angry about the hospice decision, which I found out about accidentally. Of course I wasn't, I was angry about the complete lack of communication even when I asked. That is how twisted families can get. I wonder what else she assumes that is incorrect. I will probably never know as I really do not reopen that can of worms.

Is it illegal to disperse ashes in the ocean? I once tried to find if it is illegal here as I thought it was. But, it is not. Imagine trying to enforce a law like that.

Duck, As Barb said, quit spending money on stuff for these people to steal, ruin and throw away. You need to focus on your long term needs. Keep meals as simple as possible. Cook small quantities so there is no waste or ruin. Your mother’s appetite is decreasing.

Huh. I just looked it up and apparently it's not illegal to scatter cremains in BC. Do not listen to friends who act like they know stuff! You do have to get permission from the landowner, but since we're talking about the ocean.....

Not only was there a band called Twisted Sister, but also I saw them open for my heroes, Iron Maiden, in Vancouver in 1984, a week after I turned 16. Mom bought me the ticket for my birthday.

He’s awake!!! Praise the lord!!!

Yes, the Lord is good! All the time!

So good to hear, Sharyn!
Your brother is on his way now.

This was the exact perfect time for some good news!
And Sharyn, you needed this blessing. : )

SharynM, that's Great news! Here's hoping that your brother continues to have positive improvements every day! I'm praying for your brother and family!

I had an Uncle who had open heart surgery, and it took many days for him to come out of the anesthesia. After about 5 days, with worry that he might have brain injury, he was so restless and thrashing around, that he needed to restrained in the bed, as he thought that he was on a cruise ship (him and my Auntie had been on many cruises), looking out the window, and was screaming for the Captain to "pull the boat over and to let him off"! It was scary at the time, but so funny in hindsight (he enjoyed the story too), thankfully he did fully recover, and lived an additional 15 years or so. He was always my Favorite Uncle!

Many Blessings to you and your family during this stressful time! Love, Stacey

Thank you Send. We needed great news. This has been a very hard summer for which we have not fully recovered from, this helps lift our spirits. I am just so excited!


Stacey, thank you! I love the story of your uncle thinking he was on a cruise ship!! Definitely a story to treasure!

Sharyn, Wonderful! Hope all is now going to go as well as it can. Thinking of you and family.

Dorianne, I am so happy for your relationship with your brother. That you are closer and more supportive of each other. A team. I think that when siblings are together they are invincible. Its wonderful how your mother planned everything out. I think that is the most thoughful thing a person can do if they can. I am keeping you both in my prayers and thoughts.

Sharyn, I am happy for you and your brother and keeping you in my prayers and thoughts.

Book, yes I am eligible for a pension. Had I been working with the city I would have been able to receive a pension at 55. Since I was not employed with the city I have to either get a job working with the city and retire or wait until I am 65.

Hey, now, this is the dysfunctional thread! ;) Happy for you both, sharyn and dori! So, there is hope for some of us?

Thank you all for the comments, it helps, its food for thought and reinforcement. To be honest I have a lot of debt from bad choices in my life. I also cannot afford to get an apartment. Either I make too much or too little it has always been that way. I am constantly applying for housing. through a computer program. If I get chosen from a lottery with reasonable rent I will jump on it quick fast.

Its hard to explain this family and allowing myself to be in the mist of the sickness. Sometimes I want to leave, just let it go. I cant leave my mother and my finances are not straight. In a few years I think I will see my way until then I have to try and put up with this so I can save and pay.

I have worked since I was thirteen so SS benefits will be good but cost of living is so high. I do intend to relocate eventually.

Guess What!! The Crockpot Express? I found it this morning in the bathroom on my floor which is dysfunctional. When i moved in my sister locked her bathroom door. This bathroom was filled with junk and dirty with cat litter box sitting right in front of the toilet. Its small. So everytime I took it out my sister put it back. I asked my motherr to lay down the rule to leave it out. It just went in a bitter circle. I was already stessed about my treatment when I moved in so I let it be. I had a pee pot which I was ashamed to mention in these past years which I emptied in that toilet, when I didnt feel like walking two flights down to use bathroom. Which is how I found it this morning. It was a shock to see someone was so vile and spiteful to do this.

I had been speaking to my son and letting him talk to my mother on video when I got in this morning, she was enjoying watching the baby and later the other two when they woke up.

I had to call my son back and he said just dont feed into it. I text my nephew say I found the box in 2nd flor bathroom on top of litter box, (Not to mention that my sister has since left that litter box filled with cat waste in bathroom and bought another one and place it in the back rooom on her floor which is what she should have done when I first moved in.) I text my nephew that the devil is usy and has full reign with people in this family. Sorry to have bothered you. Its crazy. I also texted that its sad. Ma would not be able to carry that box with both hands up 2 flights and place it there.
(In fact when I came in it was obvious she was long busy seasoning the meats with everything she could put her hands on)

So this fool texts me back: .: "The family is actully more concerned about ma's health safety and well being not a crackpot. did ma have her hot cakes sausage and coffee she likes for breakfast or should I stop and get it."

I read this text when I got off train on way to work. I almost blew a fuse. I realize that these things are done just for that purpose.

My nephew dosesnt have a clue. I was grateful that he would ask should he bring breakfasts. And I quickly texted him back asking why is the FAMILY finding it important to manipulate and focus on moving a crock-pot intead and making sure she is fed and in a clean environment. Has the F seen the mold in the shed that is not safe. Did the F address the pest situation. Does the F realize she has dementia and needs a home attendant. If they are so concerned why was something I ordered, so as to inspire her to eat become someones spiteful focus. Does the family notice her eathing habits or the problem with the fridge ( the molding the guyt replaced is falling off again!) Is the jF going to sit and wait for her to trip or fall or get injured before she gets a home attendant. Or sis the F going to continue to be delusional and Poisonous and spiteful.

Then I added When the FAMILY's true priority is Ma then they will leave my S2#$t alone.

I dont know what, why or how it happened. I just know that my nephews response took me too one hundred I could feel my throat throbbing. I felt that way many times when I first moved back and was under attack from my mohter and my sister. I had to ask my mother one day "Do you think I am going to be like this forever" because they were all but litterally kicking me when I was down. I was blowing up here and there and my pressure would not come down. I am not going to let this take me there again. And thank goodness I can come here and find understanding.

I could hear my sister in my nephews response. She is magical and skillful, masterful and deciet and difileing. Just like my mother. I will be so glad when karma comes into town. I am no where near perfect but all I focus on is my mother eating, and trying to keep her area clean. I dont mess with anyone or anyones property although there are times I am highly tempted to just the same as when my mother had more of her senses.

I am hoping to get certified and get a decent enough settlement that I can get a "cottage" somewhere near my son and grands and supplement my little pension and benefits working as long as I am able and get an umpalumpa.

Meanwhile if that doesnt happen then I have to do the best I can with what I have and thrive to make it happen.

I sometimes wonder what it is that draws this type of negativity in my life. This type of sabatoge is not new. Sometimes I see it as spiritual warfare and sometimes I wonder How i got in it.

Please keep me in prayer. I am trusting that the Father will resolve this. I pray regularly for Him to show me what I need to do or how to correct myself. I am sure the answer will seem easy. I dont know where this road with my twisted and her sons is going to lead to. I just pray for justice and all I want is the best for my mother despite her ugiliness and spitefulness towards me before ;her mind got bad.

I look in her eyes as we talk or jive or she asks me a qustion. Deep down I want to ask her if she really knew what she was doing when she lied and did ugly things not just about me. I cant beleive that they truly do not see any wrong in their actions. I just cant understand it.

I wonder if when she looks at me, if she remembers how she was, if she sees the difference in how my sister and I treat her. If she realizes that she set herself and us up for this.

This is why when life feels good, I get scared. When I get a taste of happiness its like something is going to happen. When I am happy I feel like something is wrong. I wish someone could just pour wisdom and understanding in my head.

Thanks for bearing with my drama.

Rays of divine love, peace and happiness to us all.

Thank you Glad! Is your avatar a picture of what the front of your new home will look like?

Thank you Duck, take care of yourself.

Yes, Sharyn.

Good news, indeed, Sharyn

Just checked YouTube for Twisted Sister😁. Fitting. The first song that resulted from the search? "We're Not Going To Take It". Appropriate, don't you all think?

Duck; to an outsider, your nephew's text seems to be civil and to the point. Stop buying stuff. Pay your bills. Save.

Maybe that's what they are looking at, too.

As your son says, don't feed it.

Can you see that perhaps someone might think that leaving a crockpot around for your mother to fool with (maybe try to plug in) might be a dangerous thing? And that leaving the meat where she could get at it was also dangerous?

I agree that she needs constant supervision, as in a home attendant. Has your sister applied for Medicaid for her?

Is a home attendant going to report the constant presence of dog urine and feces to her supervisor? Could this be a hold up in getting this process started, in your sister's mind?

I know that you are doing the best that you can.

Thank you MsMadge! It has been the best news all summer.

Glad, I really like the front view of your house. Such a nice porch for relaxing.

Sharyn, Good to hear your brother is making more progress. I’m sure it’s a relief to the family.

I’m over my head in moving. Have to be out as early on Friday as possible. Decorator did a wonderful job on window treatments. This was supposed to have been mine and PJ’s dream house, but didn’t turn out quite as planned. But it does have many features I love. Simply getting moved is the biggest issue. Sons and grandsons are a huge help.

My two second cousins are going to staying with me this academic year. They are going to graduate school at the U. They have jobs at the university. I’m helping them out with a place to stay. They’re both good company and PJ and I invited them because we had plenty of room and wanted to help them. They’ve been great at helping me pack.

Such good news, Sharyn, I'm so glad.

Glad - yup, that was the anthem of my generation. Lol.

Well, still waiting on an actual date for the memorial, but the ball is rolling. I also bought something called "estate protection," which they didn't have when mom set up her funeral. They will notify all the credit bureaus and send them the death cert. so no one can use mom's name or identity to get credit cards, loans, mortgages, etc. I never even thought of that before, but once I started wondering what mom's TS and my creepy cousin might be capable of (and how many times cousin tried to manipulate mom into co-signing things).....yeah.

Going through papers and files this week - apparently mom had a LOT of money socked away in investments. There's more than enough there that I'm going to talk to my bro about buying him out on mom's apartment. (Her will says everything is to be split equally between him and I.) It is a nice apartment, and you are allowed to rent them out despite the building being strata. I have seen others in the building listed for rent at almost twice what I pay in rent for my place. I know there are taxes and fees and such, but I do think it would help pay my own expenses, plus.....I would own something. Plus I really have no idea what I'm going to do for work now, with my injury. At least if my rent and a couple of bills got paid, I could possibly make up the rest with my artistic endeavours. Plus....yeah, I'd own something.

Dori, That will be great if you can buy out brother on your mom’s apartment. Owning something is not a bad thing. Receiving the inheritance will make things easier for you with your injury. It will give you more flexibility.

I’m going all the paperwork and sorting thing too. Never paid much attention to how many “boy toys” PJ accumulated, but I’m finding out now. I knew he was very stable financially, but have found some pleasant surprises.