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Becky

it will be good to have some company in the new house
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Try to do best you can and take one day at time. Also try to have a back up plan ahead of time just in case things don’t seem to be to working out to well just in case all of a sudden you get rerouted and have to take a detour and not know where you’re at. It’s a lot easier said than done. At least if started to think of possibilities ahead of time you’ll at least have idea where your at and try to make it to the destination.
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Thank you Becky. Wow! They are not giving you much time are they. I’m glad you have family helping you. Make sure you don’t over do it. Your surgery wasn’t too long ago.

Dori, thank you. It sounds like you have good plans. I am so happy you and your brother are helping each other, letting bygones be bye bye.
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((((sharyn))))) wonderful news. You all needed that!!!

glad- yep!!! Love the high ceilings

becky - where will jay live? You just remodelled to make a place for him. So much change...

dori - would be great to have your own place. Looks like things are falling into place for you. Watch those twisted sisters and cousins.

madge - how is your mum doing with the reduced dose of risperdal?

Turned into fall here a few days ago. Leaves are starting to turn yellow and it goes down to 40s at night. Love this time of year. I wish the winters weren't so long. I am still off meat so I gave lots from my freezer to my dd as I doubt I am going back to it. "They say" a vegan diet is healthy. I am seriously thinking about getting a cat when I get back from my next trip south mid September. Otherwise it is just plugging away at tossing things, if even a few at a time. I have been having "sweats" which I can't attribute to anything in particular,. My temp is normal and I am well past "that" age and I don't feel sick. I know they can come with CFS/FM. Oh, well!

Take care all - do something good for you!
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Book I agree with you 100 percent. My issue was with the statement of my mothers care was a priority. because I am the one who makes her needs a priority on a daily basis, cut her toe nails, change her linens, and clean her environment on a regualar basis., not when she falls or come from the hopsital. that is my frustration. Point in matter. When I came back I learned my mother was to get her meals frozen on the weekends, this is from my sister. She made the arrangements after being contacted by the agency, and agreed to have the 7 meals delivered frozen on saturdays. I have no problem with this. So when the meals come its only 3 meals. The 1st weekend, no meals, the 2nd 3 and now this last sat she got two meals. I finally got through to her manager trying to see about her getting regular meals again and learned she was to get 7 meals and she is investigating what happened. There was no followup from my sister and because she does not feed my mother I guess that wasnt a priority. so I was voicing my frustrations about the farce of caring for my mother while making my stolen or missing property an almost silly notion. I truly resented the farce and the insinuation that I am crying over a crockpot when there are more important things.

As I mentioned before my mother has always been a priority for me and in my life even when I was not there. So the things I do now I have always been doing. The frustration comes with the belittlement and being excluded from her care and seeing the farce in her care.

Book, Yes, my sister may be avoiding a homeattendant because someone in that house on a daily basis would be a witness to my sister doing nothing. With some real help the dog mess would not be an issue.

That is my frustration, this Family front is bull. If we were pulling together and truly all of us working towards the same goal my mother would be getting better care and home would be in better condition.

So, I find my self in a better place. I know I have to learn to let go. I feel I had every right in my feelings when my property was sabatoged. There is no stove, my mother needs to eat and all I am trying to do is prepare her a decent meal that she will eat. We used to eat turkey wings with greans and macaroni every sunday. I keep it simple, I just want to do something special sometimes especialy when her appetite decreases and she acts out. It was my way to give her special attention. And with all that in my heart, it was very upsetting to have my intentions dismissed by a lie about family concerns. What family?

Anyways I appreciate the feeback I received. it trully helps and was very grounding. This is who I am. I was brainwashed from chidhood to be just who I am. Now I realize this, stepping out of the cast is a difficult process. Which is why I reach out here. And I thank you all for the help.
(4)
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Golden, good question about what Jay will do. And then what about the two young girls he has custody of? Hopefully, Beck that housekeeper is chipping in. Will she also move with you?

I cannot imagine doing all the canning you did last weekend, after closing on the house knowing you had a big move and cleaning out a well and long lived in house.
(5)
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Why is it no good deed goes unpunished? 2nd funeral this year I have to travel to and take dad. This one does not involve planes, trains and wheel chairs but a 7 hour drive. I was not planning on going but the guilt gets to best of me every time. I called a relative to crash there, will cost me bringing them dinner. I get to see a favorite relative before the next funeral.
Dad is already telling everyone we are coming and telling me every goat path to go on. I tried to set up a quick meet with my best friend but no, the time will not allow.
So he is trying to manipulate the trip. Me its a turn and burn. get in get out. The last one cost me 2 grand to take him. This one hopefully will be fuel and tolls and a quick lunch.
The guilt gets me. I try to be the good son but somehow this will bite me in the ass again. The last one the family still wont talk to me. I have no idea what I do other than vote for the other party they dont like. I dont even bring up politics, they do, I try to keep my mouth shut but they take that as a fight when I say nothing.
So in and out as stealthy as I can.
I am sure I will get smacked with the olive branch again....
(3)
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Major dysfunctional mess with my niece and her little girls. Jay has moved back to Ohio with the girls. He is extremely upset with me because PJ and I would not let my niece move in our house. This is the same niece who stole from from me on two different occasions, maybe three. No way. She came to the house two or so months ago right after I got out of the hospital and was telling me what to do while she sat around and did nothing. She thought she could live with us - no job. Just sit around. She was asking us for money, etc. So another case of the dysfunctional family being the gift that keeps on giving. Our housekeeper quit while she was she was there. She was so rude to her it was awful. My niece is too much trouble to be around. Jay shouldn’t be involved with her, but he’ll have to learn that on his own. I hate that Jay is upset with me. I’m moving with help from PJ’s family and my two cousins. They are all a great deal of help. I can’t deal with the family crap in the middle of PJ dying. Just can’t. Tomorrow I’m having my first cataract surgery.
(4)
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Glad, I get hyper and just keep going. I’ll probably crash and burn this Saturday. I feel like I need to sit down and cry for a couple of days.
(3)
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My apology to Book, I meant Barb.

I am glad to hear good things happening around the posts. It keeps hope strong.
I will be off for a few days.

Rays of love peace and happiness to all.
(1)
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It’s 4:30 am. I can’t sleep. I’m up feeling sorry for myself and I shouldn’t feel this way. I’d go bake something, but most of my kitchen stuff has been moved to the new house. I only have the bare essentials. This move is stressful. Wish I had had another week or so to get everything done.

Today is mostly a lost day. I’m having my first cataract surgery at 9:00 am. I hope it goes well. Should have my other eye done in three weeks. My cousin is driving me to the hospital. She’s read all of the pre and post op instructions. She doesn’t have a class today and only works late afternoon hours today. She’s going to put my eye drops in.

When end this move is over I’m going to sit down and cry for a couple of days.
(3)
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(((Becky))) Let yourself feel however you feel, no guilt. You've been through so much just in the past couple weeks. Be easy on yourself. I'm glad your cousin will be there with you some to keep you company. Prayers and good vibes that the move goes quickly and you can start to rest a little.
(3)
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Becky,

Yes, the timing is lousy with so much upheaval in your life, but try not think of today as a lost day - having the cataract surgery will help you enjoy the beautiful scenery of where you live

even if you can't sleep, try just to rest your eyes now and take a few deep breaths - imagine the oxygen filling your body down to your toes

sending healing thoughts your way
(5)
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Good heavens, Becky. How sad that Jay’s loyalties are skewed. So much hurt in your life right now; you do not need (nor deserve) this extra dose. You are strong and amazing. Your resolve — and the kindness of others— will get you through your surgery and the move. Be kind to yourself. Rest when you need to. ((((big hugs))))
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Where will all of the grandchildren of PJ's go? Who will now adopt them? Are they headed to foster care?
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There are only two that he was still caring for that were under 18. They have moved back in with their fathers. The other two who were 8 were only with us while their mother was overseas coaching soccer. They had gone back home several months ago. All of the others are at universities from southern Maine to Boston to Atlanta. I actually miss all of them.

Only two people with me now are my two second cousins. They are both over 21, have jobs, going to graduate school. Big help to me right now.
(4)
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Weren't the parents killed in auto accidents? That is why PJ had them, I thought.
(3)
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Two of them went away to college. The two younger brothers age 16 have permanent residence with their dad’s family. PJ provided two weekends a month respite for their cousin and for annual vacations. Occasionally they visited for holidays. One auto accident three grandchildrean, daughter and her husband killed. His other son died of pancreatic cancer. Three of his children over 18, other two are now with. Their mother since she is home.
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Now I am confused. Becky, you wrote about 10 yr old twin boys at one point in the last year - one of them had a fracture. I am finding it very hard to follow the "story line" with all these changes. Must be my aging brain.

In any case, obviously you are distressed. My sympathies.
(6)
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They were 8 when we got married. They will be 10 on 9/9 I think. Most of the time I feel like I need a flow chart with all of those boys (and girls). I miss all of them at times. But bottom line is I’m just the stepgrandmother (of short duration and it’s not my place to be a part of their lives unless invited or asked to do so. I was a little hurt that a couple of the grandchildren didn’t call after PJ died. But I guess since they are in Georgia and over 18 with their mother and her family maybe I shouldn’t be surprised.

Be glad to get move behind me and move forward. At the time we decided to make the move, it was something we both wanted. But things took a big change and now I wish I wasn’t having to do all of this.

Had my surgery. Piece of cake.
(4)
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Adding to my saga, from a month or so ago, when I joined this group:
The last 3 days, I went to visit my father, at his Retirement community apartment. 1 1/2 months ago, his odd self, screamed at me to never come back. I was thinking that is what I will do, but he asked me to help him with some errands, and he has never acted as if the screaming at me, has ever happened. I am from pure dysfunctional family, so the screaming at me, happens, periodically..and is not due to dementia.
So, I am happy to report..that he acted fine. He has been eating, and taking care of himself, and the visit was fine....so..until he explodes again, all is 'ok'.
He does still marginalize me, and talks over me..but..he has no idea he does it.
But just wanted to send a quick note to this group, as my prior writings were so 'down'.
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susan - in my experience blowing up or being nasty then carrying on as if nothing happened is the norm is dysfun fams. But, if someone did it to them, you would hear about it for decades. Glad your visit was decent and your dad is looking after himself.
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No major mom drama this week so far, and for that I'm grateful. I hope I haven't spoken too soon. It's really sad when we even have to say that, isn't it?

Apparently no one from sis's camp showed up last week to see mom or take her with them, despite the drama from mom and sister's attorney and that whole hullabaloo. I was prepared to have to call the police if my sister took her out of there. The staff is already on alert that she is not to leave with them.

I took mom to her appointment yesterday and she did say, "I'm sorry if I said anything to make you mad." I was like, "Well, I did get mad. The stuff you told my sister isn't true." She said, "Well, I just wish you would stay longer and we could hang out more." I'm usually with her at least 2-3 days out of the week, and for about 1-2 hours at a time, although sometimes it's half a day if we end up going to appointments and then stopping for lunch, at the store, etc. I myself really don't "hang out" all that much, as I do well most weeks to keep track of everything I need to do for me, hubs, the kids, business stuff, etc. Plus she and I don't have a lot to talk about. It's the usual complaining, negative, nothing ever makes her happy, so I really don't say a lot.

I still haven't called APS yet about looking into a public guardian, although I know I really should. I feel kind of torn about it because I am doing this unpaid due to mom's limited amount of funds, but I know a state-appointed person is going to want to be paid, and I imagine it's not cheap.

I am happy with where mom is as the staff is really good to her and looks out for her, and I'm worried that she would run out of funds much sooner and have to move somewhere else that takes Medicaid. Not saying that would be a bad thing, and that ultimately may be what happens anyway if we don't get the house mess sorted out so it can be used for her care (lovely sis has it tied up in court), but I've been trying to get it fixed so she can stay there for the long haul, unless or until she reaches the point that she needs NH care, which then Medicaid would be our only option.

Sometimes I ask myself why I even care or make it my problem, and like when I was at my wit's end the other day, I was ready to just walk away from it and not look back. But when I think about her having to move out of somewhere where I know she is being taken care of and has a good quality of life, I feel guilty and I think, "Ok, maybe I can do it for a little while longer."

I may change my mind and call it quits for good when the next major crap hits the fan. *Sigh* I just never envisioned doing this at this stage of my life. I envisioned spending time with and enjoying my own family, and maybe getting to travel like she was able to do. This boundary setting thing is always a work in progress.
(8)
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Oh Becky my God, you have had So much on your plate since losing you husband, I can't believe that this is all happening to you so quickly and from all angles, it's Bloody Awful!

Sad to hear about your brother, and hope that things work out in your relationship in the end! It seems like he should know better, regarding that bad Niece, but he is stuck in the middle, as guardian of her 2 kids, is that still the case, hopefully she will begin to fly right and take over the care of her own children, God, I can't imagine being dumped on, and having to raise someone else's kids at our age? I just can't believe how everything came crashing down on you, and for that I am so very sorry!

Glad to hear that your Cataract surgery went well, that's one good thing! Is your new home anywhere near your old place? And what are you going to do with your old home, the one that you just had the addition added onto for your brother? Are you planning on selling that one too? Won't he want you to buy him out in some way, as he did put the money up for the addition, didn't he? What a mess!

Once this move is over for you, I hope that You take a good amount of time to decompress from all of the stress! You Cannot keep on at this pace, or you will become sick! There's been too much going on for you to heal properly both physically and emotionally, and I would hate to see you become really ill from all of this, in fact I can't believe you haven't already, you must be one tough cookie, that's for sure, but nobody can keep up that pace for too long, so do take care of yourself!

You mentioned that you will need a good cry once you are all moved in, now make sure that crying will not put added pressure on your healing Cataract, though I don't imagine that that is something that you have any control over, just do be careful!

Lat us know how you are doing, and Take Care, I am thinking of you during this difficult time! {{{HUGS}}}
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Analogy Description: I feel like I’m on a chartered boat called the SS Minnow . There is the Skipper and his first mate is Gilligan with passengers and I’m one. All the other passengers jumped off the boat to a raft and I’m ship wrecked on a island 🌴 with the The Skipper and Gilligan . I can’t ask the professor for advice because he may have made it to mainland and forgot to notify proper authorities to send out a rescue mission.
(5)
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Thank you Cmcare- your analogy made me giggle. Feel the same thing sometimes. Thank you so much for making me smile. :)
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Dysfunctional family members are like bad pennies. They keep turning up.
(3)
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Family dysfunctions are like unpaid bills that are passed down from one generation to another until someone stops making payments.
(9)
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Becky,

hope you're sound asleep in your new home tonight
(2)
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Madge, Completely moved in, but still have a lot of unpacking to do. I woke up at 1:00 and haven’t gone back to sleep. Must be my new normal.
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