The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

I don’t understand what has happened to my brother. Why won’t he wake up completely? Is he going to be like this permanently? Any medical people here know possible reasons?

Sharyn, I'm not familiar at all about transplants. It could be so many things. What do the doctors say? I've learned when my dad was in the ER and his body was shutting down, that every shift doctor had a different opinion of what was happening. I'm thinking the same is happening with your brother???

This is a very difficult place to be in. The not knowing. And the doctors not being as straight forward as they ought. Positive thoughts and wishes to your brother. {Hugs}

sharyn ((((((((hugs)))))))

Sharyn, as we age it takes longer to recover from surgery of any kind even from just the effects of the anesthesia. Bro's doc's kept him in a coma for a few weeks, so I would think coming out of it could take days or weeks. I really don't know, but is sounds reasonable. 😢

Thanks everyone. It concerns me he is so groggy still. They are looking for ways to stimulate him. Ordinarily he would be getting release to leave after 2 weeks. I guess I have to be patient.

Book, my nephew said it’s because they couldn’t bring him out of sedation and then the induced coma. Thank you!

Sharyn, I cannot imagine how anxious you must feel. Just try to be patient. Thinking of you and family.

Ttoday is a sad one for a classmate who was also a cheerleader while I played high school football died early this morning. I and most of our classmates were on her Facebook friends list.

She just moved into a new townhouse and was looking forward to having her grandchildren over to help her unpack.

She died a month short of her 62nd birthday.

I am in my man cave looking over my year books and reading what she wrote in them. I am not sure if I lived up to her advice or not, but I have tried to. We are having a powerful thunderstorm tonight. I have been up here a little over three hours. Thanks for listening.

Magnum, I am so sorry to hear about your classmate and friend. Maybe you did not live up, but you far surpassed in other areas she did not ever dream of.

So, young. So sad.

Thanks. I am a bit surprised how hard her death has hit me. I guess I'll come down out of my man cave and go back in the house and possibly to bed.

Cmag , I’m so sorry about your classmate. I understand how it has hit you hard. I went through a similar loss a few years ago.

sharyn - the waiting is so difficult. Prayers that he "come to" soon.

cmag -so sorry for the loss of your friend. I am sure she was proud of you. Take care.

Oh Becky, I didn't realize about PJ, I must have missed it when I was away from the forum. I'm soooooo so so sorry. And I'm so sorry that you have to deal with all that other family crap in the middle of your own grieving. Our dysfunctional families really are the gift that keeps on giving, aren't they? (((((Big hugs)))))

(((((Sharyn))))) I know you must be freaking out - I hope your brother is awake and perky really soon!

Everyone else - I am reading, just not able to respond to everything right now.

I am SO TIRED. All the time. Has this happened to anyone else? I don't remember being this tired when I've lost anyone else in my life. I'll fall asleep sitting up in my desk chair, reading something online, and with my hand still on the darned computer mouse!!! Then I'll jerk awake, try to read some more, and fall asleep again after a line or two. Between Friday and today, I think I slept 28 of 36 hours (mostly in bed this time), with a few breaks to get up and eat, read a little, and get so dozey in my chair that I had to go back to bed. Is this normal???

I don't really know what's normal. Tuesday and Wednesday were rage days. I was just ragey. I think it started with having to clear mom's stuff out of hospice on Tuesday (that smell!!! what's that smell!!!!) and finished with having to write her obit Wednesday night. Rage. Stabby rage. I bailed on a friend I was going to visit Tuesday evening, because I'd just cleared mom's stuff and I learned they were sitting around drinking and I didn't want to be around drinking. Then she took that wrong, like, personally. Then I had to explain myself, trying NOT to sound ragey about it. I thought grieving meant not having to explain yourself. Then just a lot of everything until the obit was done - you know, things that have to be done and people calling and you're just like, "CAN'T YOU ALL LEAVE ME ALONE FOR A DAY WHILE I GRIEVE!!!???" When the obit was done - and the quote for the service booklet and choosing photos, I knew the worst of the funeral planning was over, and that's when the sleepiness started kicking in.

I just did it again. Got myself cleaned up, went for dinner with best guy friend, came home and fell asleep sitting up in front of the computer. For hours this time. The cat even jumped on me at one point, and then gave up trying to wake me. I feel bad for him, he must be so confused.

After all that fuss with Mom's TS and my creepy cousin, I got bro to make the call to them. Turns out no one answered. Bro left a message, no one's called back. Come to think of it, TS hasn't tried to call Mom since August 19, which is a little strange? For someone who tried to call at least a couple of times a day, anyway. That was the day before cousin's birthday. I just (finally) got into Mom's Facebook yesterday, and noticed cousin hasn't posted since his birthday either. I wonder if something happened? Or.....I wonder if his phone got cut off, which wouldn't be the first time. I did have the obit put in both provincial newspapers, so they should be able to find out about mom anyway, and I just posted it on FB today (Saturday).

Not trying to be paranoid, but I read mom's will and apparently IF bro and I both die within 30 days of Mom, her TS gets everything.....so I warned bro about that. Like I said, not trying to be paranoid, but cousin is in debt up to his eyeballs and if he knows about that part of the will.....who the heck knows how desperate he might be feeling? He's not smart enough to pull off murder, but he's a narcissist so he probably THINKS he's smart enough. Ask a cop, they'll tell you anyone is capable of murder. Lol, bro and I are now making jokes about getting other people to taste our food.

Oh, I just changed my avatar pic - just for a little while anyway. That's my mom in the late '50s. Found a bunch of very glamourous shots of mom from back then - or is it just b&w that makes everything look better?

I think the exhaustion is an indication of how much mental energy you have been using to keep things together for so long.
The pic is beautiful, the 50's styles were so glamorous and black and white is also more forgiving I think - I doubt our youthful pics from the 70's and 80's will ever be anything but embarrassing (maybe I should destroy them all now?)

Oh ya.....the '80s photos show teenaged me in a mullet and ripped mesh and triple-wrap belts. And a rolled-up-sleeves blazer I wore proudly festooned with so many "jeweled" brooches, my English teacher told me I looked like a Spanish general.

Thanks Dori. I think you’re having a normal experience. I guess it’s a process.

I look at my photos from the mid to late 60’s. My friends and I look like cookie cutters. I looked at PJ’s photos from that time period - clean cut, all male, Catholic high school. Totaluniformity.

Finally! Nearly ready for stucco color. The gray is an undercoat. The house will be a greyish white, trim color called pewter (gray). This undercoat has taken two weeks, still a bit to do.

Lower area that is white will be a stack stone veneer.

Wishing they would hurry up. I am anxious and excited.

Glad,

how exciting!


Dori,

that's a wonderful picture of your mom

in the 70s, we all had long hair parted in the middle
now, we all have short hair parted on the side

I still look like my kindergarten picture. Medium length blonde with bangs. My Hubs always tells me I look just like a toddler. LOL Oh, I do have purple added now though.

I did go through the eighties with the big permed hair with almost a whole can of hairspray. Man, the eighties was a bad look for so many. :P

Dori, Your Mom was So Beautiful! We have tons of those Glamor Shot photos of my MIL, so many we don't know what to do with them, also a huge oil painting of her that she commissioned to be painted for my FIL for his 65th birthday, which he had hanging in his bedroom, what to do with that, we do no know. It's kinda creepy actually!

Many other wall paintings that are definitely not our style, but feel weird about giving away. There is a huge Caricature of my FIL given to him by his crew at work, when he retired, it's cute and a great liking of him, but again, what to do with it, especially as we are downsizing, getting ready to sell our home, to move into a much smaller Condo, so we need to figure that out ASAP!

SharynM, hopefully your brother will be "coming to" here real soon now, so sorry that it has been so stressful for your family! Thinking of you!

Cmag, so sorry for the loss of your HS friend! My 40th HS reunion is coming up here Next month, and we have a FB site that we all communicate on. It's unbelievable how many classmates that have passed over the years, it make you feel that we Definately are Not Infallible! I think there are at least 20 or more that have died, it is so sad! You take care!

Glad, Your new house is really coming along! It's sounds so beautiful, and I can't wait to see a pix of the final product! Did you find your new appliances during the Labor Day Specials? I know that when we were looking at a new stove earlier this year, the HOME DEPOT had terrific sales prices on the whole combo package, fridge, stove, dishwasher, and microwave oven! Had we planned on staying here forever, it definitely is the way to go, so much cheaper that way! Did you get the new Samsung Refrigerator with the see thru door, computerized screen that does everything but wipe your bum? I loved it, but it's Pricey! Lol!

HI Golden, hope you're feeling fine! Any new developments in the search for a new Condo on your horizon? We are tossing things left and right, and giving away things on the Free site on FB.

I've been going through my kitchen, and know that I can do without 3/4s of it, why hold onto dishware, servingware, huge pots and pans and appliances that we only use once in a blue moon and can do without (like just go to eat 😉), and linen, I Never use! My kids are loaded with all things kitchen, so they don't want it, not their color or style, so it's all gotta go!

I still haven't completely cleared out my FIL's bedroom where he passed, I just hate even being in there, but we are running out of time, so have got to face up to it here Soon!

Hope Everyone is doing well, all good her on the Western Front, especially now, since the BC smoke from their fires have now blown over! Take Care All!

Becky, my thoughts and prayers are with you. You have so much on your plate. I hope surgery goes well for you and as well as your brother's recovery.

Dorianne, your sleep issue may be depression which would only normal or it could be just plain exhaustion. I have a hard time falling asleep so the rare times I sleep for a long period of time, I know my body needed the rest.
I wish you smooth waves in your mourning process.

My weekend was lovely, My birthday was Saturday. I had plans to go out to dinner which got postponed and worked out well for me. But I did enjoy a pedicure and manicure. It seemed that people were extra nice to me everywhere., or maybe because I was smiling inside.

I came to some type of terms about my mother and her care, as I have done over and over. The bottom line for me is to leave. I am not able to do so. and it would be mores stress for me traveling back and forth and Goodness knows what kind of schemes would happen.

For a minute there I felt like a big fool. Not just for recent events, but life events, I should have left my family, truly left, a long time ago.

So the reality is how much I truly love my mother and how attached I am too her. I have moments when I look at her and get sad knowing one day she will be gone. Knowing that in some ways, she is already gone and the grown up little girl in me is grateful for the remnants of her mind, and her personality. Sometimes she makes me feel good and say all the things I needed to hear but never did, which is why I always find myself trying to please.

Due to what I have learned here in this forum and others, I realize I have to let go of some things. I mean there are moments when my mother will say something ugly with that tone that will give me flash backs and I try to let it just be a flash. Because these moments we have left are the ones I will need to go to when I think of her. Her charm and humor. Not the ugly even if it was a reality.

She jokingly tickled my feet as she passed me laying on the sofa bed watching tv while my food cooked in the famous crock-pot. The connection made my day.

And she ate like a villain. I did not pay my sister any attention as unusual, I really understood that with a narcissist you have to do avoidance. My therapist discussed some things and encouraged me to continue my case study on this personality type. So I think I have made another milestone in being OK with accepting that there is no more sister or family where these people are concerned and I just have to do the best I can do with my mother and be okay if I too burnt out at times and need a break.

So, I had barbecue pigs feet. Which were a specialty for my mother, also yellow turnips with the pig tails. This thing works really well. I enjoyed every moment wondering how it would work. I also made steak and gravy. I love it. I just dont like having to do one thingh at a time. Cook book gives recipe for banana bread. I guess that is next.

I have been using a lot of mint, garlic and ginger for the remant cough from my last illness and shared it with my cousin who has lung and stomach ca after a right then left breast battle and then a battle with ca in spine. She is coughing a lot. I cant stand to hear her on the phone and I am hoping she has finally tried something and it has helped.

I still have want to reach out but I have to go back and update myself so I dont get some posters mixed up. Especially when I feel the same type spirit from the same people, I have done that several times and I apologyize.

Rays of Divine, Love, Peace, Happiness, and Health to you all.

I actually looked at the Samsung fridge and package. I did not like the glass door. Just kept thinking of keeping it clean of my fingerprints. I don't think it did much special, but may have. I just did not like the clean issues with it. I thought I found a package at Sears hometown, three pieces, micro extra. I loved the stove, gas, thought the oven was electric but was not. So, electric kitchen it is. Would like gas stove, buy combined with electric oven they get quite pricey. Oh the Samsung Family Hub? Good thing it is just me to keep track of me or I might think I need it.😉

Would someone please tell me what the attraction is with the French door fridges?
I prefer the old side by side. Or is that just me being old fashioned?

Samsung or LG (I love the blue interior!) It will be.

It is overwhelming picking floors, tile, granite, lighting, ceiling fans, etc. Will meet with landscaper Tuesday. Hoping to at least get irrigation and sod in this fall.😁 And don't forget paint colors.

Cmag, I am sorry for your loss. I how poignant and heart touching it is to reminiscence; go though old photos and remember our hearts and innocence, youth. Every now and then I have that moment and of course the tears and smiles that come witnessing it again.

Glad, I am so excited and happy for you. I am loving every moment you share.

Golden, I hope you are well and making progress in your search for new living space.

Ahhh, Duck, thanks. I am so excited and love to share my craziness, but a good craziness that has been a long time coming. Seven absolutely crazy years! There is a light at the end of the caregiving tunnel.

I need to post this because it's so........I was so angry this morning I thought I was going to have a rage stroke. And I need to figure out how to deal with this nutcase, because obviously he's going to force his unwanted self onto mom's memorial. I apologize that this is long, and I'm probably going to have to post in 2 parts. 

So, a note must preceed this that I blocked my cousin - mom's only blood nephew - on my Facebook about 10-12 years ago, because I can't stand him and saw through him like 20 years ago, as everyone else did. He was always trying to wheedle money out of mom, or co-signs on mortgages....first mortgage was for 850,000, then for 1,000,000. Both times mom turned him down, he miraculously found new girlfriends to co-sign these mortgages. He thinks he (he always says his mom, but he means himself) "deserves" this help because he is caregiving mom's twisted sister, who "abandoned" him as a teenager, while grandad put his house in mom's name before he died (because TS was an alcoholic and drug user, and married to a worse one, and also they had a pretty spiff house at the time). Even grandad used to say the only time he came around was when he wanted money.

The last time I "talked" to cuz was through mom's FB - basically to tell him the answer would always be no, so stop asking. His messages were....just totally narcissistic, poor me, I'm the victim of the entire family here kind of stuff. And also I told him the bald truth about how, no, my brother and I DIDN'T actually "have it made" as kids. 

Today, the cuz finally found out mom is gone, through someone posting a "memory" comment on one of mom's FB pics. (Not for lack of trying - brother has been trying to get in touch for days, but auntie's phone kept saying, "the user is not available." It's the only number we had for either of them.) 

First he posted how he was totally shocked, and just found out, and how it was going to break his poor mother's heart. I deleted that comment so I can't quote it exactly. THEN, literally a minute later (probably realizing I had control of mom's FB), he posted in the same space, "Sending sincere condolences to (my brother) and (me), thanks so much for the wonderful care you provided her. We have so many cherished memories of (my mom) she is in our hearts forever." I let that one stay. Because why not. 

THEN he messaged me privately through mom's FB: "I just heard this tragic news I will tell (his mom) when she is up my sincere condolences to (brother) and you (my name) thanks for the wonderful care you provided. My moms new phone is not working we can be reached at XXX-XXX-XXXX. (His mom) is not well and too weak to travel I will try to make the service on the 7th."

I replied, "We have been trying to get ahold of you both for some time. I am sorry you had to hear by other means."

He responded with a gif of a crying puppy dog.

I replied, "Please direct any inquiries to (my brother) at XXX-XXX-XXXX." (Bro and I made an agreement that he would do all the dealing with these two, since I am doing all the other stuff.)

This was around 7:15 AM. At 8:15, he messaged me again. "I called (brother) there's no answer."

To which I thought, Do I have to hold every man's hand on the planet? I replied, "It's pretty early and it's Sunday. Just leave him a message." Then I realized bro probably had his voicemail off, so I added, "Or send him a text." 

I tried to go back to sleep. Yet, half an hour later, three messages in a row from cuz.

"I hope you and (brother) are coping well losing a family member is the hardest thing in life."

"Telling me to leave a text or message is so cold we have felt ignored from you and (brother) for many years. I tried to make us all a closed family I know that is not your or (brother's) wish you could have easily contacted us on Facebook sorry to say this we care much more than you realize."

"We wish you and (brother) the best in this difficult time My Mom and I are truly heartbroken."

(More.....)

(Continued from previous post.......)

Again, I tried to go back to sleep. One more an hour later: 

"It's my sincere wish that somehow this will bring us all closer sadly none of us had kids to carry this family on. I offered to take (his mom) to the service she says she doesn't feel well enough to travel she breathes with an oxygen machine, has dementia, legally blind and can barely walk her days are numbered too its so hard to prepare for the inevitable passing. I'm trying to arrange flights to Vancouver 99% chance I will attend again I am so sorry (your mom) has passed on."

To which I finally said, "I am sorry I am not a morning person, but everybody gets the same me at 8 in the morning. Please take up your issues with (brother)."

By this time I had sent my brother two warning texts and something like 6 e-mails venting my frustration because I promised not to get into debates. Also sent it all to BFF - she decided to hustle me off to the lake for the rest of the day and that helped a bit. But.....GRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Also note that I couldn't even get into mom's FB until Friday evening - I had to get the e-mail PW from mom's internet provider so I could re-set the FB PW, because I couldn't remember either. (FB will cut off everyone's log in access if they know the person is dead.) I'm also gonna say auntie's phone is likely out of service because he stopped paying the bill - which has happened before. So I'd guess this whole lashing out is a big deflection from owning the blame on having to hear about my mom's death from a stranger on FB.

I do not WANT this man at our mother's memorial. I don't want him in the family room, I don't want him sitting next to us in a pew, and I sure as hell don't want him getting up to speak. Brother and I had been trying to find a way around it, but in the end we've said it's open and there's nothing I can do. Cousin is determined to come and be this fake, pious, grieving nephew who loved his auntie and loves us all so very much and tried SOOOO hard to make us a close family....even though I can scroll up mom's FB for the last 10 years and see where he called her selfish, greedy, despicable, and several other nasty things, several times over. 

My question to you all is.....how the hell am I going to handle this douchecanoe at my mother's funeral???? When all I want to do is punch him in the face for ONCE AGAIN making things ALL ABOUT HIM. How do you deal with these kinds of people at emotional family events like funerals???

***********

Editing to add: by the way, Facebook will not let anyone access your account once they know you are dead. The choice for survivors is to have the entire profile deleted, or to "memorialize" the account so people can post willy-nilly on your page AND no one can ever log in again. There is a new option to name a "legacy" person in your settings, someone who can supposedly manage your page, and I suggest doing so. I've already done it. I don't know if they'll have options beyond the two mentioned above though - I'm going to leave the password in my will just in case.

Dorianne, when I'm around people that I really can't stand and let me preface this by saying I can't remember ever feeling that strongly against someone in my life it's not that hard for me cause I learned a long time ago how to say no to these types of people and not feel a bit of remorse about it. Thus the reason why I don't have many of these types of people in my life. People I don't like don't ever get that chance with me. I shut them out. They don't exist to me.

If you give people like this an inch, they take a mile. Don't give them that inch. If you really feel that strongly about this, could you get others who will back you up and bar him from attending.

I wish I could give you more concrete advice but if you don't want to make a scene at your Mom's service which I'm sure you don't then what to do. Ignore him...................!!!!! That's about all I can suggest to you my dear.

But please try to calm down. All this anger is not good for you and it doesn't sound like your cuz is worth it.

Gershun - I am like you, in that I shut them out. I have pretty much shut cousin out for many years now, and only intervened on those two occasions because it was upsetting mom so much.

I think part of my rage at this guy is - I just kind of realized it, writing back to my brother - there was an incident where my cousin got arrested for being with an underaged girl. It was all hushed up from me and mom because I was working at the women's centre at the time. (Edit: it was hushed from me anyway, after the initial arrest. Maybe mom kept it all from me because she knew I'd make waves in the family. I dunno.) I still don't know the outcome (though I do know less than 3% of reported cases even make it to court). But messing with kids is one of my few unforgivables in this world. I literally want to fire a nail gun at molesters. They make my skin crawl. I have no proof except for witnessing the phone call with the news of his arrest, or I COULD stop this farce, but if there's anyone I could believe capable, it's my cousin.

And I am horrified at the thought of having to share a pew with this guy, sitting next to him, letting him be in the family room, watching him fake his way through my mother's memorial. I just told bro flat out, if he tries to touch me or hug me, I'm not going to let him, even if it's in a public place. And that all I could promise was silence, none of this, "I'm sorry you feel that way" stuff.

I guess I'll see what bro does with that.

Ugh, ugh, ugh.

I don't see how we could stop him from coming. Bro says if there's a problem, we'll kick him out, and if he won't go, we'll have him arrested. But the obit has been printed and it says everyone is welcome, and cousin seems pretty determined to go.

Dorianne, if he is a child molester, yes that is a deal breaker for sure. But if there is no proof there then you can't very well say anything about that. If the truth were to come out I'm sure no one would want him there and you'd probably have the whole place put him out on his a**.

I'd hate to be in your shoes. People like that make me physically recoil. Get a can of Raid and keep it by your side. Spray him if you have to.

(((((Dori)))) your mum is gorgeous . All of what you are feeling is normal - fatigue, rage, leave me alone...I think you have a lot of sleep to catch up on and, of course, grieving, Re your cuz - I think ignoring him is the best you can do, but I know it will not be easy. He sounds dreadful. Vent all you need to. and yes, have him arrested if he causes trouble. Will you have ushers? Have them escort him to a different pew. Rope off your pew for you and bro.

gershun - looks like you are great at not giving some people in inch. That's good. Some take 10 miles if you let them.

glad wow - progress. Looking good. I would hate having to make all those decisions, but it will be lovely when it is done. Good craziness for sure.

madge - I have gone backwards - long and parted in the middle again

stacey - feeling better good thx. So tough with fil's bedroom and all the stuff. I think I will get dd over here later on the fall and do a big clear out. Meanwhile I will try to sell a few things. I know what you mean about pictures -I am stuck there too and realize I have to be ruthless. The son that has disappeared off my radar and his wife gave me as huge framed photo of themselves a couple of years ago. I would never hang it - so I will take a photo of it and toss it. She (dil) is famous for giving gifts that are not the taste of the people she gives them to. Isn't is a blessing to have relief from the smoke?

duck - belated Happy Birthday. Glad you had a good day. Your sis is not going to change. Avoidance is good. Hope mum is on a "good" phase. I am not actively looking for a place any more, I know the complex where I want a unit. units come up for sale regularly, and I will check when I am closer to selling this house.

Finally am rid of the "sweats" I was having. I think I was fighting a bug. Hopefully, now I will have a little energy to get at the house again, I am going to ask R to take his stuff south this fall then do a big clean out with dd's help. That should make housekeeping a little easier for the winter, and get me ready for the last cleanout in the spring. I can only cope with it in phases. I need to get rid of some plants too, Some of them are huge and taking over too much space, but I love being surrounded by greenery during our long winters. Fall is definitely upon us though no frost at night yet. Hear's hoping for an Indian summer.

Take care all and be good to you.