
Many of us, myself included, come from a dysfunctional family which adds a lot of weight to the challenges of caregiving. I have read stores on various threads on other topics and decided it would be good to have a thread just for this topic for people to share, vent and discuss.
The idea for this thread originated on the thread named "The Caregiver....How are YOU doing today?"
My younger brother texted me last week to tell me that he was travelling by our old family holiday spot and it brought him to tears for the first time since Mom died which was three years ago. He was the one who told me once I needed to compartmentalize and then Mom's passing wouldn't be so hard for me. I don't know. I think people who compartmentalize too much end up like him. Crying for the first time three years after my Mom's death.
Stacey, I sympathize over your getting rid of stuff problem. We bought a new condo last year and the stuff I had to go through. I basically could open up a hair appliance/shampoo/beauty product store. Sheesh! What a waste of money. My dear departed Mom used to get all my product fails so now I have no one to give them to. They are all in our storage locker waiting to expire now.
Anywho, sorry for rambling.
Duck, no worries, no offense. We all get overwhelmed with our own life and caregiving. Keeping one day straight is enough without adding in additional info.
Golden, I’m glad you are over the bug. Tossing out and sorting is a major task.
Im off tomorrow but today is 7 days straight and last week I worked 8. Hopefully everything will settle down now that our manager is back.
Autumn is slowly making its way here and I’ve been loving the cooler temps.
Got to my relatives house, (yes I did bring them dinner and a case of wine they requested, oh, and I prepped and cooked they dinner) was up until 2:30 AM talking (good stuff).
So next day the funeral is an hour and a half away, I am up at 7 ready to go by 7:30, load the car...... and I wait. Finally I had to get dad up at 9, then he decides to take a shower..... so 9:30 we are walking out the door and we get in and its, "I need to eat something". So the only thing close before the turnpike is a Panera, go in, 10 more minutes, back on the road. then traffic I fully expected. Of course I have to pay or everything, food, fuel, tolls.
Back and forth about his way or my GPS, I use the GPS because I looked at the map not on my memory from 40 years ago with road changes. We finally get to the funeral home at 5 minutes to 11, service starts at 11. Luckily as we get in my family is just doing the last goodbyes.. they nicely let dad and me in to say good bye, they didn't have to but it was nice. Afterward he says "I am glad they waited for me"..... "uh.... no they didn't you were in the doorway, they were just being nice".
Go to the cemetery and head north in Labor Day traffic..... 8 hours back on 4 and a half hours sleep. Then its "Did you put my sport coat in the car?" The fact that I had to get his stuff out of the car at 1 AM and then put it all back in and I forgot to load his sport coat?....... My relative has to mail it to him now..... He gets in and out of the car like it is at the Waldorf and has a valet.... He gets in the car and out and no worries. Mom used to pack his clothes and load the car. Me? I do all my own..... You have to when you travel for a living.
Suffice to say next time instead of saving money to stay with a relative it will be a holiday inn and a cheap meal. maybe next time I put him on a plane, cheaper..... or just say no.
It was nice to see family, I am glad I went, family was appreciative I brought him in. I do not think they understand the logistics nor do they care, it is not their worry. Of course my brother was a complete ass. He barely said anything to me and shook my dads hand like he was a complete stranger. I said hi and that was it..... Maybe 2 words too many.....
Ok, now had had names and information right! Everyone was on one page and was easy to check and make sure I was posting to the right one.
Well Thanks to everyone for understanding my mix ups. I certainly dont need any help to do it and realize I have mixed a few of the people on board who have touched my heart and life because my spirit was responding to a spirit that has touched me and I was feeling the issue.
So now everyone is not on the same page.
Sharyn and Stacy thanks for understanding.
Ali, where have you been, thanks for the clarification.
Someone mentioned Golden's format, she is smooth and I always wondered how she does it. A few others have the gift also.
SusanNeed, I feel for you. Thank goodness the grief and mourning and remembrance comes in waves. Some bigger at times. I could picture your post.
TG, you have a big heart, people know it. I can imagine your stress.
I think I have been used up by my family in everyway. I dont know what I feel in my heart about them anymore, except for my mother and that is very sad. Its like I am in a war and friends with the enemy.
Gershun, I must say again that I get inspired that you have survived a lifetime with a narcissist sister. Golden also. I could take lessons. I know I have to find my way and when its all said and done I hope I have the type of heart and wisdom that you both have.
Stacey, I feel you on the how the music touches the heart. Some songs turn me into mush. A chord or note can open up my memories the good or the bad. That was a beautiful post. Did the sisters bully the boys? I bet your mother loved everything you all got together to do. I think its beautiful that you were all there hands on, that bought tears and spoke a lot of who your mother was.
I had a lot more in my first post. My girlfiend is back to work after being layed off by a company she worked 30 years in now she works for the competition who grabbed her when as the process and event became known. It just took a long, long time for them and longer for her to find something. They are speading out and made a department for her to head. I am just happy for her.
My cousin is still short of breath. But she had a reveal party for her daughter and when we talk she sounds weakened, but posts lovely pictures on facebook. We will be getting together soon.
I am off for a few days. I didnt get my sleep at all this morning and I still feel wired so I am going to try and channel this energy before I konk out.
Sleep Tight all.
Rays of love, light, peace and happiness to you all.
I've been working full time, but also have been on AC less this year than previous 5 years during caregiving times. I will respond to a post if I feel I have input but mostly I'm content to read what's happening with everyone else, stay in touch that way. I'm officially a lurker now, I guess.
There are several changes with the new AC site format, but for the most part I'm getting through it. Hopefully that's not part of what's causing your issues.
I think Golden opens a text edit application and responds to different posts as she reads, then copies-pastes into a comment. I've done that before on occasion. Composing a comment that way definitely helps the brain to remember who said what, etc.
Ugh. I have a head full of sinus congestion and cold meds. I called off for tomorrow though. No one wants to see restaurant staff sniffling and blowing their nose while they work!! lol I might have to wait a few days before I go back to work. Weird timing for me, but it is what it is.
I never could either figure out how Golden does such an excellent job of acknowledging everyone. I am nowhere close. Will respond to posts that strike a chord with me.
Yes, Ali, getting a life, I also highly recommend it. Have you ever tried the Vicks inhalers? Comes is a tube about the size of chapstick. I love that stuff.
Sharyn, how is bro doing?
Thinking of all of you even if I do not mention you.
House seems to be moving very slow. The stucco was to be done two weeks ago. They have nearly finished the base coat, STILL. I swear that crew is darn slow! Maybe they finished today. Fingers crossed. Was to meet with landscaper today, but he wasn't there when I went by. Could tell he was planning on it as his tractor for moving rock was there. Just wish they would get busy!
I do have to say, that this blog is Hard to Quit, as I truly care about you all, and what is going on in your lives too! Funny thing is, my hubby doesn't understand why I still log on daily, and I can't make him understand that I LOVE all my Cyber friends, as they have been better friends to me than I ever had in "real" life, Lol!
Who knows if we will ever have to Care Give again in our lifetime other then each other, I sure Hope Not, so I'll keep reading, as I don't want to get rusty!
You All Take Care Now, Ya Hear! Love, Stace ❤❤❤
Glad your house is coming along, albeit slowly! What color is My room going to be?
Your room? Going to have blue. The bedding I have ordered also has yellow, but not overwhelming. Is that ok?
Vicks inhalers really help me, too. I hate taking antihistamines. Will take benadryl. All the antihistamines give me pins and needles on my head, make me shaky, and I cannot sleep. Why the heck do they have to make so many non-drowsy varieties? I will not take those and definitely will not buy them. Sometimes the cure is worse than the suffering.
Ming is in the kitchen playing with a cricket. UGH! Second one in as many days. Just don't make a lot of noise, I am going back to sleep. Why take care of something now when you can put it off until tomorrow, or something like that. But, big bugs are just not real high on my priority list right now. 😲
Thinking of you.
hang in there and maybe don't listen to too much anyway - keep the picture of your brother strong and well in the forefront of your thoughts
sounds so exciting !
It's only a rental but if I set things up right, it has potential for me to live virtually rent free by getting 2 roommates for the other 2 bedrooms. I'm thinking I'll do this, and free up my time/income to keep making positive changes in my life, like being able to go back to school, etc. I want to invest some in making this a nice spot (it really needs very little, just paint and shelves) that I want to be in for 3-5 years.
The previous tenant painted the living room a carnation pink. It could be cute, I suppose, but I'm just going to tan/beige it all away, hahahaha. The pink, and the yellow, and the teal -- I'm neutral-izing all of it. ;-) I'm excited. I'll be in moving mode all this month, prepping the new place. I don't have a move date picked yet but probably mid month, another 10 days or so.
So after I peeled myself off the ceiling (I was outside at the time) I calmed down. This is the last thing I have for priviacy in my life. I have been doing this for 40 years. Its is not a family thing it is what I do for my community. I have given up my house, my privacy, money and time. This is one of the last things I had control of in my life.
So dad just strolls into the barbeque. I saw him out of my side vision and chose to ignore him. I have so many things to do at this event. He strolled by my wife and smiled and laughed, "funny to see you here" he said, she was fuming.
It is a game with him, to see how he can minilipate others. he has been trying to come to this barbeque for years. I dont go to his things. This friend asked if she could bring him years ago and I said no.
Am I a child right now? Yes. Am I foolish? Yes. Am I pissed right now? Yes. I was with him last week for 18 hours in the car, you think it would have come up in conversation, hell it should have come up at dinner this week or anyother time I am in my own home but he chooses to see how he can circumvent my systems and get one by me.
Had I reacted last night he would have been on his way out of state to a relatives house with his bags packed.
I am just tired of the games he is playing but when he needs money I have to be there, when something needsd to be fixed I have to do it.
I am tired, exhausted and so pissed off right now I cant see straight. Thank you for listening, I am just venting right now, it is the only way I can vent without looking like I need a straight jacket.
I have giving 25% of my home up to him and 100% of my privacy.... I am just tired......... mentally drained with all of his games.
If I may say so without giving offence, your father is a self-centred, selfish, ungrateful, insensitive swine. He reminds me powerfully of a Dickensian character who not only behaves like this but congratulates himself on it and despises those who, he imagines, aren't able to get away with it.
He is your cross to bear. But you know, and we know, and apparently hem-hem some of us are tired of repeating ourselves not mentioning any names whistle la-di-da, that you did choose to pick up that cross and it therefore stands to reason that you can choose to put it down again.
But you won't, I know. And to move from Dickens to Shakespeare, perhaps at this point "to return would be as tedious as to go o'er" - i.e. having got this far down the road, you might as well finish the job.
So come and vent.
Meanwhile. Next time the opportunity presents itself, buy the driver lady a coffee, look her in the eye, and explain gently that while her intentions were no doubt charitable her intervention intruded into problematic areas that you wouldn't expect her to be aware of, but, so, you would appreciate it if she did not repeat the offer.
Needed to hear this myself, and keep hearing it. Thanks Countrymouse,
for the important reminder, there is such a thing as walking away. Sometimes we have to cut our losses before they become too great and consume us completely or leave us destitute.
Yep. And get you upset. That's his "win" . Because manipulating someone
into a shocked upset state beats the destitute inner landscape that has become
his soul. Feel sorry for him, but protect yourself. If you can find him a new
place to live....it'd be for the best. For both of you. Letting him manipulate
and abuse is doing him as much harm as you, although I'm sure it doesn't seem like it.
Would you miss him?
Would it make your "standing" in the family poorer?
As an outsider looking in, it looks like a win/win to me.
Why don't you blow up, tell him off and tell him to shove off to someone else's home? Drive him there, even?
Why would that be a bad thing?
Guilt can come from all kinds of places. These Freudian terms annoy mean. No offense to you CMagnum but these little psychological catch phrases annoy me. Not everyone who is moody is bipolar, not everyone who is bossy is a narcissist, not everyone who gets sad now and then is suffering from depression. ya da, ya da, ya da.