notrydoyoda Posted January 2012
The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?
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- How do I deal with an emotionally needy mother who wants all of my time and attention?
- I get so angry with my 88-year-old mom sometimes and find myself getting resentful to her and not treating her very good. How can I deal?
- How do I deal with being "cut" from the family?
- My sole mate is sole care taker of both parents. Where do I find help dealing with this?
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Enmeshment is an emotional state, not something defined by just a cranky or unpleasant personality or a tedious caregiving situation. It's continuing the same dysfunctional patterns that are making someone feel deeply resentful, angry, unhappy, etc... and yet some people cannot seem to free themselves from these patterns. At some point, if it's toxic enough to a person and yet they won't make changes, then I think the term "enmeshed" is fitting there.
But... what's "toxic enough?" That's entirely subjective. There are countless caveats, disclaimers, qualifiers, etc., that have to be considered for that... but I think we all deserve to live lives where we feel valued and respected. If caregiving to parents make us feel the opposite of that, and the caregiving tears down our sense of self respect, I'd say that's toxic.
(Oh my goodness, my brain is a muddle from trying to come up with the right words and think these deep thoughts lol. I'm posting this, for better or worse. Good discussion.)
Granite (Monte Cristo) does not make a very good avatar, does it! I love it!
Ali I think I have the same thing - my brain feels like blue cheese - crumbly and moldy, Actually I probably did too much and the CFS is kicking in but stuff had to get done, BTW I don't use a text app.. I rely on memory and scrolling back and forth. Your apt plans sound good, Do you have 2 compatible people in mind or are you winging it golden grls style?
glad - so nice to be in your own home after all this time. You have worked so hard and deserve the best.
sharyn -so nerve wracking, but any progress is good.
stacey - keep coming back - you are still in recovery mode from caregiving. Get ruthless. I tossed my Foreman grill the other day.
duck -glad the therapy helps -seems like you are learning some good things
tg -what the cm, barb and bettina said. Your dad gets a kick out of aggravating you. He succeeds big time. You have imposed this sentence upon your self because the alternative is scarier, You actually don't have to give him money when he runs out. You could say no, or you can come back and vent. Your choice.
sofla - welcome - The time has come when you and your hub have to make that decision despite, and maybe because of, how your mum behaves. Sounds like my mum who was a rage-a-holic -actually has borderline personality disorder which is characterised by much anger, I have had a lifetime of it too. They use it to control and manipulate people. I feel for you. I have PTSD from childhood due to mother and cannot spend much time in her presence even now though she is in final stage vascular dementia and can't speak much. She is in an NH and well cared for, and I keep my distance. Please look after yourself. She sounds mentally ill and you have suffered enough. Time for a facility -asap.
cmag - I think that a disproportionate number of enmeshed caregivers come to this site whether it be this thread or others, The caregivers who are in a healthier situation do not need as much support.
susan - we see enmeshed caregivers with narcissistic parents on many threads in this site. Some only realise their parents are narcs after they read about the experiences of others. In some cases, the whole family has been dysfunctional from the get go - like most of us here. In other cases the parent becomes more narcissistic as they age, their world gets smaller as dementia progresses. Both situations are very trying as you know. I came here mainly to help myself keep my boundaries with mother and it has helped me a great deal
Nice fall temps here. Got the car winterized. Love the shuttle service provided by this dealership. Tomorrow, if ny head improves, will be soup making day. It's that kind of weather. I roasted some fresh beets this evening. Yum. Yesterday no sweats, but a couple today so I am not over this bug yet.
If I have forgotten anyone, my apologies. Sponge head here,
Take care all, do something good for you.
Ali, are you feeling better yet?
Golden I do not think I have ever had roasted beets, but love pickled ones with cottage cheese. I also think you keep it together better than many of us here.😳
Sorry............just trying to bring some levity to the subject.
Sadly, the neediness has gotten worse as her cognitive ability has gotten worse. I know some of it now she can't help like the memory problems, but to an extent personality wise she has always been very needy and self-centered.
The enmeshment becomes engulfing and suffocating for anyone who tries to be there for her. She has a hard time making friends too because she will suffocate them with her neediness. Case in point, the lady next door to her that she was driving nuts last week.
Golden, I can relate to the PTSD. I think I have it too, especially the anxiety.
One of those microwaves was wedge shaped to fit into a corner.😁
Pack his bags and send him to ....low-income senior housing....assisted living....another relative with no boundaries....wherever. As long as it’s Out The Door.
The the only thing you have to lose is, gulp, your entire identity.
Honest to sh*t, tg, as soon as YOU are ready to make the change, you’ll be surprised at how well Dad does at his new locale.
Boors like your father don’t care who they are oppressing. They simply need to oppress.
Your father’s driving force is the “what,” not the “who.” He’d just as happily torture the mailman the way he tortures you. But you won’t get out of his way and make him find another punching bag.
tg, the sooner you accept how unimportant you are to Dad’s Machiavellian schemes — and his so-called needs — the sooner you can get your life back. And your home. And your marriage.
Not much has changed with my folks. Slow deterioration but nothing major. I'm keeping my boundaries and staying away from the crazy. I still go to see them on the weekend but no longer bring a meal.
I started bringing food to them over four years ago when Dad first got sick. It was one thing I could do that Sis was not controlling. It made me feel useful and helpful and it was important for them to eat nutritious meals. At some point Sis decided to hire (with Mom and Dads money) a person to bring our parents meals three times a week. She never talked to me about it she just did it. My folks also get Meals on Wheels and Mom sends caregivers to the grocery store numerous times a week. Their fridge was always bursting with leftovers. Whenever I mentioned this to Mom she insisted they needed the food I brought.
Their was so much food being tossed I couldn't stand it so I finally stopped. I struggled with this decision for such a long time but better late than never. Recently two of the caregivers have confided to me that the waste of food was really bothering them and they are happy that less is coming in. I still bring Dad his jello because it gets eaten and he loves it.
Funny how hard it was for me to give up bringing meals. I guess my self worth was still caught up in what I did for my parents. I'm fine with it now.
Another change. I now only visit when a caregiver is there because Mom behaves better in front of outsiders. She glares a lot but keeps her mouth shut. I get to spend time talking to Dad without her taking over the conversation. It's MUCH better!
To all who wrote about enmeshment thank you for your wise and helpful words :)
Weekends will be less hectic now that I have made some changes so I'm hoping to check on Sat and Sun.
Have very many of you found your perspective about your parents and your family changed after your parent died? I know those of us on here who have lost our parents already are few but I'm just curious.
I find myself thinking back over my childhood and early adulthood and seeing it from a whole new perspective now that my Mom is gone. I hate to say this but I'm starting to think that there is a real lack of morality with my family. When I went to Church I felt like it was home and it certainly rubbed off on me. I don't know why I assumed it was the same with everyone else in my fam. I just started realizing just recently that most everyone in my family are liars and cheats and don't really give a blank. How could I have been so stupid? I guess it's just a common case of not seeing the forest for the trees.
Don't get me wrong. I'm no saint and have never considered myself better than anyone so I'm not taking any moral high ground here with these realizations. It's just funny that without my Mom in my life, (who was a really devout Christian woman) I'm seeing things very differently. Who knew.
gershun - all cats have boundary issues. Interesting observation about your family.
sharyn -so true -a control system,
frazz -you prob do have PTSD. Narcs ignore that you have your own life.
cw - when you grew up with a narc you did not have the alternative not to accept it. Serving mum (or dad) was the way it was. That makes breaking away from the control harder.
blackhole - well said. "Boors like your father don’t care who they are oppressing. They simply need to oppress." It can be humbling to accept that but also freeing.
trying -so glad to see you again!!!! Well done on no more meals and only going when there is a caregiver present. Progress!!! Hope to see you back more often.
chris - that must be very frustrating
Foggy this morning and snow forecast for Wednesday. This is a cold September so far. I will drive south tomorrow as there is only a possibility of showers then. Laundry is done, need to make that soup yet to use up veggies in the frig. and have something ready to eat when I get back. Then, barring any emergencies with mother, I am hunkering down here for the winter. Well, might take a trip to visit oldest son if their weather is good.
Take care all!!! Do something good for you.
I don't get angry over politics like she does. She is a 'politics junkie'. As far as I am concerned. The 2016 U.S. Presidential election was, the election from HE**. It was a no-win situation, where the candidates were concerned. Pretty much it was the 'lesser of two evils'. She continually spouts off about Trump did this, or Trump did that. I didn't even vote, I was so disgusted with both candidates.
I told her about her having repeatedly telling me about what her GP said, and expecting me to agree. My father even accused me of being upset all the time. I guess I have no right to be upset when:
1. My mother behaves like, her GP, should vicariously be, my GP. By wanting me to do what her GP says. She denies she does that, but she does it.
2. I am on my bike on the road, and a driver ignorant(if not intentionally) passes too close. Even trying to pass, when they shouldn't.
3. I find videos' on YouTube that are people making fun of those who have seizures. Seizures have no cure. Yet, The prank videos', amount to saying the deaths' of World-class athlete Florence Griffith-Joyner in 1998 at 36yrs.-old , and actor John Travolta's son Jett, in 2009 at 16yrs.-old. But YouTube won't pull those videos.
4. My mother denies trying to get me to communicate with my (ex)wife. Even though my (ex)wife's defiant and persistent medical ignorance nearly killed me.
5. I worry about being stopped by the cops while on my bike, or on foot. Who perceive my balance problems, as someone being drunk and/or, on drugs. Potentially resulting in, being hit with a taser gun.
6. States refuse to make seizure-training for teachers requirement. Texas and Kentucky have made it mandatory. But, Every other state refuses.
So, I guess I have to be 'happy as a clam', or else. Her 'faculties' can just erode. But if I say anything about it. I am akin to the Devil.
I'm surprised at YouTube, I must say. Or am I. I probably don't spend enough time on YouTube to know, really. I guess there are an awful lot of things on YouTube I wouldn't want to see.
Having things to be angry about, which you certainly do, doesn't mean there aren't better ways (by which I mean more effective, as in changing something, and less stressful for you) to handle it. I know how annoying and infuriating well-intentioned advice can be (I had an earful of it from my daughter, yesterday, and my heart rate's still up) but it's self-defeating not even to look at possible strategies. See what's in it first - and *then* chuck it across the room. You'll feel better :)
As for YouTube. It is not a matter of time spent on YouTube. All you have to do, in the same box where you would type the name of the song, artist, or band. Type the words 'seizure pranks'. A whole list of videos' come up. I have tried 'peacefully', to contact YouTube about the videos'. But have received no reply from YouTube. I only found out, that Google is the parent company.
The different ways of approaching something, other than being angry. Because the word 'anger', its' different tense, and synonyms. Are subjective as to the way one expresses their anger. The knee-jerk reaction to the word 'anger'. Is something happening immediately, and physically confrontational. I don't get physically confrontational, unless I absolutely have to. Especially when I am on my bike. If I was hot-blooded, red as fire, angry about what a driver did on the road. I wouldn't take the time to worry about my bike possibly getting stolen in the process.
I never shot up the school, as a way to deal with bullies in grade school. I ran away from school.
Where seizure-training is involved. Yes, I spoke with the officer in charge of medical training, at the police academy. He said seizure training is mandatory. That doesn't nullify my concern.
As for YouTube, I can't do more than I am doing. Unless I contacted Google to complain.
As for my (ex)wife, I am not budging. I refuse to communicate with her.
thinking of you and hope you're doing okay
Glad, your house is coming along nicely. Not too much longer and it will be moving day.
Have a a safe trip Golden.
Have s a good week everyone.
Golden, sounds a bit early for snow, but we have had it here in the mountains already. It is always a race to see which ski area will open first. Usually A-Basin, and the last to close as well, sometime in June, usually. Travel safely.
I am frustrated. Called the real estate agent to ask him what the heck is taking stucco so long. Contractor thought it would be done two weeks ago. They are more than slow, think of a turtle taking a nap but it is not really napping, it is dead. I am hoping they can get done by the end of the month with the outside work, then I can still get sod and sprinkler system in this year. I am losing hope.
Contractor is a bit frustrated with me as I went to a store, in town, for help with picking granite, flooring, tile, carpet, etc, instead of four or five different places that he told me to go. He was not happy I went to this store. One of the last homes he built, the client went in there and decided they liked a carpet that was $30.00 a yard. He allows $2.00 a yard. the shop got stuck in the middle. And I am so happy and relieved to have the help.
Trim and kitchen cabinets are to be in this week. The outside might be done by spring.