
Many of us, myself included, come from a dysfunctional family which adds a lot of weight to the challenges of caregiving. I have read stores on various threads on other topics and decided it would be good to have a thread just for this topic for people to share, vent and discuss.
The idea for this thread originated on the thread named "The Caregiver....How are YOU doing today?"
Good for you, Cmagnum!
My brother is vacationing in So Carolina with his wife.
Every morning I get up and tell myself to be a better man, that is hard. I try to stay positive but something triggers.
I feel like a prisoner in my own home as I have made it.
Thanks for letting me vent. It is my only release.
Would I boot him out? No, I cant live with myself to do that. Besides my kids are watching how I treat him which in turn my have an impact on me.
I encourage him to get out which does get us 15 minutes of quiet time. His timing to come home is impeccable, just as we sit down to a quiet dinner or dessert..... oh well.
I am trying to be better and less about me and that I have to do this. I have a relative in the same boat for may years. Asking how she handles it she points to the empty bottle of wine we just shared..... Not that that is the answer but I get it.
I am trying to let him know when something is bothering me which is most all the time. The down side is there is nothing for us to talk about like other people do. No common interest unless he is telling a story. That gets old.
I read the threads and see how others are handling things. I at least have a mobile person and not the issues others have so really I dont have a right to complain.
Thank for listening (or reading). I will try to manage the positive attributes of this situation, not sure which ones re though.
To all of you in harms way in the Carolina's, stay safe and get out of the way. My brothers from our state swift water rescue team are on the way there now to help when it gets bad.
Had I reacted last night he would have been on his way out of state to a relatives house with his bags packed.
I am just tired of the games he is playing but when he needs money I have to be there, when something needsd to be fixed I have to do it."
TG, you swerve between thinking that you should behave like a long suffering martyr ( and suffering in silence, to boot) and being justifiably mad as heck and your manipulative, narcissistic dad. You are throwing money that you should be saving for retirement at his wants. Stop it!
Have you gotten him on lists for housing tied to his income?
Hm, I wonder what kind of lesson your kids are really learning - old people are h3ll and will suck you dry and I'm for sure not going to ever get myself in that position? Or, based on what happened with your daughter and her ex, Dad's a big pushover?
I would talk to your area Agency on Aging and social services departments about how to help dad get on the list for subsidized senior housing. He needs a place of his own and you definitely need your space back.
It's okay to love your dad and say no to him living with you, yet you can still be able to help him in other ways.
hope everyone is protected
hope you’re feeling better today after the drive and a good breakfast
Glad, good that the stucco is almost done. I know you must be excited.
Riverdale, hope you are somewhere safe in SC. I heard the entire coastline has been evacuated. Glad your mom was evacuated early, though I know it's gotta be nervewracking. We were just out there a couple months ago in the Myrtle Beach area (our first trip that far east, and first visit to SC). Stay safe!
Barbie, you are so right, recovery from dysfunction is an ongoing process. I know what you mean about the battle lol. I have had to learn to pick mine lately, it's never easy.
sharyn - glad your bro has responded. Praying for more.
glad sounds good - more progress!!!
cmag -prayers for all in the hurricane's path. Stay safe
tg - you did set some boundaries with your ex son in law with good results. You could do the same with your dad and be less frustrated. e.g. if he runs out of money before the end of the month, you do not give him any more, Your kids are learning that people can walk all over you.
barbie - welcome - one day at a time is a good way to go
riverdale - hope you and your mum are ok, Hope everyone is OK.
madge and fraz - thx Finally unwound and rested today
The snow is very early here and farmers are scrambling, It is coming down like crazy now and more forecast for the next few days. Tomorrow R and I will visit mother and see how she is doing. Saturday we have an appointment. Hoping to visit with some friends after that. I owe them a meal out. And maybe a little shopping after that.
Take care all and be good to you.
Madge, the way this has been going housewarming might be the 4th of July, if I am lucky. Maybe close by the end of October? Kinda guessing. Hopefully the weather holds. Must start organizing the move. Trying to decide on flooring, I love hickory but it is so much color variation! White oak if we can find it. There is some on the "slow boat". You know they cut wood here send it to China for finishing? Cheaper, hard to believe.
Magnum, does not sound like Florida will work so soon. Stay safe and dry. Hope all works out well with your home. The surges and amount of rain is scary.
We went to the lobby yesterday and listened to the music that a gentleman was playing with some of the other residents, and I told her I would be back next week for her neuro appt. She was calm when I left and told me to call her when I got home, which I did but she didn't answer. Not unusual, as she thinks people are listening to her through her phone due to her paranoia.
Well just a few minutes ago, I get a call from her nurse that she put a pair of panty hose around her neck around the time that the aides come in to give her meds and was supposedly (yes, I'm not being callous when I say "supposedly" but we've been through this too many times) trying to hang herself when they walked in this morning. So she was transported to the local ER via ambulance and will probably be transferred from there to a psychiatric facility. I'm now trying to figure out the logistics of getting there, i.e. whether it would be better to go ahead and go with my 2 year old in tow, or to take my teenager out of school and have him stay with little one while I go. Hubs is on a job site in the middle of the job as we speak so can't leave.
Hopefully we get some help and some answers from the docs as to how to manage mom's condition better, and exactly what it is, which is what we've been trying to determine. She was in and out of psych facilities a lot last year and she had some similar issues around the holidays (tried to overdose right after Christmas), plus the drama with my sister, so it's not a new situation by any means, but things have escalated again lately.
I don't mean unhappy in the sense of "oh poor wee lamb." I mean, you try to put yourself in the mind of someone who does these things, and it must be an awfully bleak place to live in.
And then there's the exasperation a rational person is bound to feel with someone who puts everyone through the wringer in this way repeatedly, which doesn't feel good but can hardly be helped.
As for visiting arrangements - I should call the facility and ask if you'll be able to see your mother in her room or in a family room. If so, take the little one (good excuse to keep the visit short and sweet, too); but if not, if you'll be in the residents' lounge or something, then I wouldn't; simply because you can't be sure what you'll encounter. Can't anyone else reliable babysit?
make an updated assessment on your mom. Don't pull the teen out of school to baby sit. Go slow, don't panic. It was good the staff came in and witnessed her trying to comitt suicide. Take the two year old & go. Make rest your focus now! You gave done all you can. Oversee her care but take care if you with time outs for yourself. Things will work out. Your in my prayers.
hope you have plenty of crab 🦀 be sure to offer FIL’s friend seconds 🤣
and let the answering machine take calls
lately, frick and frack must be feeling guilty they missed the Viking’s birthday - they’ve both called this week asking when they can see her?
- hoca is open 24/7 and they don’t need to check with me to visit their mom
why though they call my cell when I’m at work and then call right back when I don’t answer 🤬
frick finally left a message saying he would make an effort tomorrow- no doubt he’ll show up during her afternoon nap and be annoyed she’s asleep
cmag -I hope your house is OK.
glad - breakfast is always good.
waterfalls -welcome good advice
madge - boy they are annoying!!!
pam - shoulds like quite a shindig Good for you and hubs, Awesome food,
No snow today thankfully so the roads are bare but now both R and I have colds, so we are keeping contact to the minimum, and the visit to mother today is off. The best laid plans of mice and men gang aft agley!
Tomorrow we have to be in close quarters for a good part of the day, I hope both of us are better by then. Snow is forecast here again for the weekend but clear next week so I will be able to drive back safely.
Golden, thinking of you and hope all goes ok tomorrow. Snow melted already?
High temp records breaking here. Been in the low 90's this week. I would rather have snow.
I did go up to see mom, but as it turned out the social worker had told me to wait a little bit to see if they were going to move her to another facility, or at least to a room there at the hospital so I didn't have to wait at the ER. So I didn't have to take my little one or take my teen out of school. I decided you guys were right, I didn't want him to miss school if he didn't absolutely need to. I just went once my other kids got home and were able to watch little one for a bit. Hubs got home around then too so went with me for support. By that time, mom had just been moved from the ER to her room.
I've been really pushing to get her evaluated by a geriatric psychiatrist there. In the past when she's been inpatient, I don't think she's seen a geri psych except once, but that time I think they just kept her on the meds she was on at the time, which unfortunately didn't help a lot. I'm not sure how thorough they were. I talked to them at length about her history and concerns about neuro/dementia issues, so hopefully we can get some answers and meds that help.
Mom was acting like it was a walk in the park. She asked me, "So what's going on? What have you been up to?" I was thinking, "Really??" but was trying to be kind and bite my tongue.
She told me she did this because she "just got upset". I asked her why and she said, "about stuff" but wouldn't talk about it. I told her to talk to her counselor or social worker or somebody to tell them what's wrong. She mentioned wanting to come home with me, and I told her that the manager at the facility where she lives said they are all praying for her and look forward to her coming home to her home there (she did, she is very sweet and really cares about the residents there).
Before I left, she said she did not want to go to a psych facility and wanted to know what would happen if she just walked out of there. She said she just wants to go back to her apartment. I told her since police and ambulance brought her in and she tried to hurt herself, she has to stay and get help.
It is very nervewracking. She has been tried on so many different psych meds, and it seems like she will get better for a bit, then get worse. I really hope they look more into the neuro issues.
I did tell her social worker that I was going to stay in touch with mom's doctors but that I wasn't going to be up there every day. Mom has done this so many times as a cry for attention, help, maybe both, I don't know, but I don't want to reinforce the behavior by being on call 24/7.
Madge and Pam, don't you hate it when they think everyone's supposed to be up when they are, or that everyone's schedule revolves around theirs? Pam, I would be tempted too to wake him up at 3 am, especially on a night when you know he's tired! Lol.
The party sounds like fun though, I bet you'll have a good time.
Glad, what type of flooring are you thinking? Is it for the kitchen?
Good night all, ((hugs)), hope everyone is safe from the storms.
So frustrated. Went to a flooring store, you know the one, that we see ads for discount flooring on tv, a lot. Customer service there is awful. I was in and out of there is about five minutes. Told clerk I was thinking of bamboo, he told me that he wasn't a fan that it is too soft. Turns out that is a bunch of hooey. It is harder than oak.
For the great room and kitchen area. Carpet for bedrooms tile for bathrooms and laundry. Unfinished basement, I can roller skate down there 😁