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TG, I just learned about martyr complex. Could that be what you are doing? What satisfaction are you getting from this relationship? Any?

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/imperfect/2016/10/martyr-complex-how-to-stop-feeling-like-a-victim-create-healthy-relationships/
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Barb - I think you're on the right track in offering the Christian sites.

One other observation I have is that TG does not want to change or suggestions on how to change his situation, he just needs to vent and have people who think he should continue the status quo sympathize with him. I think It is perfectly fine.

I sincerely wish you well TG. Your father is a very lucky person. I'm sorry that your wife is very unhappy.
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TG, I'm putting together a list of Christian Caregiving sites that may give you more of the kind of support you are looking for. Here are a couple:

https://www.focusonthefamily.com/get-help/caregivers-need-to-care-for-themselves-as-well/

https://nourishforcaregivers.com/free-resources/

https://www.crosswalk.com/faith/spiritual-life/how-to-find-grace-for-caregiving-11599293.html

GGoogle Christian caregiving to find more. I think perhaps this is the support you and your wife seek.
I hope these help. Be well.
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TG: "just thought there would be similar people in similar situations but alas not so, I can get all this kind of response from my family which I do so. Responses like my wife should leave me? WOW! great way to kick people when they are down....... I believe this site is doing more damage than good."

I didn't plan to get involved again but I feel it appropriate to support Barb, and the others too numerous to name who've shown patience, compassion and wise advice to you for some time.    

When you post comments such as the quote, I feel the same way Barb does.   I recall when your father first came to live with you, many of us offered suggestions, but some of us came to feel that you weren't considering them.   

I often wondered if you really wanted advice or just sympathy, and I don't deliberately write that to be cruel, but to strongly infer that insight into your own motives is appropriate.  

There's a lot of compassion on this forum, sometimes for people who aren't going to change their ways, yet people still keep trying.

If you really wanted to leave the forum, you'd do it.   But you don't, so don't criticize those who take the time to help you with thoughtful responses.  

Give Barb and others here some credit not only for their perseverance, but for their tolerance, sympathy and compassion.   And please don't disrespect them or anyone else who's taken the time to read your posts and offer advice.   Just please read what they're saying, and consider it.

If you don't, that's obviously your choice.   But don't slam them with remarks about not helping.  
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"Thanks for the comments, BTW, just venting here, if you'd rather I do it somewhere else I'd be happy to go. "

TG; your response, referenced here, is a textbook definition of passive/aggressive behavior.

No, we DON'T wish that you would go elsewhere; we (or at least I) wish that you'd try some of the stuff that we've suggested.

1. Talking to your dad's doc about the cognitive decline and poor judgement that you've witnessed.

2. Telling Dad, "no, I can no longer cover your bills". And mean it. And not give him any money.

3. Allow your father to experience the "natural consequences" of his behavior, i.e., didn't bring enough clothes, has nothing to wear. Doesn't budget; runs out of money and has not access to more until next month. Is rude to DIL; gets the cold shoulder or gets the locks changed.

4. Act as an advocate, not a nursemaid for your dad, i.e., look into income based supportive housing, both near you and near sister; having a honest conversation with family about how yes, you chose to have dad stay with you but you see that this was an error; how to get him into a different living situation. Go with him to dr. appointments and advocate for testing of his cognition and mental health. Talk to SW at dr.'s office about what the next steps are.

5. Admit that YOU cannot do this all, all by yourself. That it is killing you, killing your wife and killing your marriage.
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TG, let me back up.

Dad was in rehab. When the rehab told you that he was being discharged, did you sit down and talk with the SW about how your home was set up and how you thought that an alternate placement needed to be sought, at least temporarily, until he got stronger and could do stairs?

You had an opportunity to get him in a placement, and to see how he did there. Would there have been harm in that?

Your sister is not the solution. SHE has boundaries. She knows what dad is like. The choice is not between you and your sister; the choice is between dad killing you and your marriage and dad going to an alternate setting and thriving there.

I'm sorry that the cognitive assessment didn't happen in rehab. So call his PCP and find out how to get it done outpatient. Is that hard to do?

WE HAVE been in your situation. We took control and we pushed back against the status quo. I for one wish you would too. Hospitals would try to discharge my mom. I'd say "you haven't solved the problem she came in for". Mom would weep and say that she would be labelled a "difficult patient". I told her that I was determined to get her actual care, not to get written off. You know what? It worked! Got her transferred off the unit where they were blaming HER for her HPB to another unit where they investigated what was going on.

How much of all of your actions (bringing dad clothes every day, bringing him food (yes, why?) and agreeing to bringing him home early and based, not on rational decision making, but on your ego-driven desire to "have the balls"?

I pointed out that your wife might leave because you have described her as "glass half empty, crack at the bottom kind of person". Anyone who is that pessimistic about life, the ability to make changes, etc., seems ready to throw in the towel.

Again, tell us what you would perceive as helpful. We have helped LOTS of folks here who thought that their situations were hopeless. We show folks how to establish healthy boundaries. We challenge denial about cognitive decline. We push folks to push back against the discharge folks who say "oh, he'll be FINE at home".

You DON'T have to be a doormat. Finding your father a good placement is NOT throwing him away. We are challenging your false beliefs. Please listen to us; we are TRYING to help you.
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Nope, just thought there would be similar people in similar situations but alas not so, I can get all this kind of response from my family which I do so. Responses like my wife should leave me? WOW! great way to kick people when they are down....... I believe this site is doing more damage than good.
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TG, I'm curious what sort of response you want from us that would feel supportive to you?

To tell you that your dad is wrong and ungrateful! Yes, he is.

To tell you that you are a prince among men for taking on his care, and that of others? Yes you are! I think that you are an amazing human being. You are a lot like my own dad.

To tell you that you have every right to explode with anger and bile at all the idiots in the world? No. It's not useful and it's bad for YOUR health.

We trying to get you to see that there are things you could change...small things, that might make a difference.

I'm sorry that you aren't feeling the love or the support.
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Thank you for the comments, time to take a break from this site.... not helping....
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"So I tell them no? I need a few more days?"

Then a few lines later:

"Because of the plan he chose they were not fa miler with a bundle plan and didn't do the job they were supposed to do."

So: you tell them no, he doesn't come home UNTIL you have completed the job you are contracted to do, and it isn't Dad's fault you haven't read the contract.

TG, you lose patience with other people and "the system" and fall into the old "if you want a job done properly you've got to do it yourself" trap. Then you burn out because it is too much and, as you say, you have no help.

Be cannier. Make demands.
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I will never understand people who take to Facebook to air dirty laundry and garner sympathy. My BIL has taken to Facebook to reflect on all the things his son (my nephew) has been through in his short life and how resilient he is. I will spare you all a long and convoluted story but the condensed version is that over the last 10 years, my nephew for the most part hasn’t had much stability, hasn’t had parents that were around much, he’s moved almost every year of his life, switched schools multiple times, was kicked out of one school because of behavior issues. There’s been infidelity and several separations including one this year that is supposed to be for good. My ex-SIL has totally moved on, she started living a separate life 2 years ago that doesn’t really include my nephew and didn’t include my BIL (part of the reason is because my BILs depression, he sunk in to depression and didn’t try to work on it-which I know is hard-but his now ex couldn’t take it anymore and she moved on). There has been issues of neglect. For years, most of his time outside of school was spent with my MIL because and my BIL and ex SIL are just lazy parents, every chance they got, they left him with my MIL. The first 2 times they separated, my BIL moved in with MIL and she was my nephews primaeh caregiver. My BIL did nothing, my MIL did it all.

And I’ll tell you what, it has a lot to do with his behavioral issues, he definitely cried out for their attention. Anyway. ASide from losing his grandmother, most of the hardships he’s experienced are because of my BIL.

it is my BIL who put him through it all. So I see him now lamenting in everything his son has been through and how resilient he is.....and I can’t help but think “why weren’t you thinking about him back then? All this stuff he’s been through is all your doing and now you are thinking about him?”

and then another part of me thinks “well better late than never, at least he’s thinking about him now”. And on the plus side, now that my MIL is gone, my BIL has been forced to actually be a father and spend time with his son and clearly, it has done them both wonders. It’s been good for both of them.

But back to the Facebook post....all these well meaning extended family members are praising my BIL and saying nephew takes after him.....and I just shake my head. These people have no idea what my BIL has put his kid through. No idea! They have no idea that for years he didn’t even raise him! My MIL did. It’s really only been the last 2 years that my BIL has stepped up and acted like a father. And it was because he had no choice-his mother was sick and then died and his wife wasn’t around. And his wife is also to blame. Don’t get me wrong, she too has been an absentee mom. But my BIL has also put her through hell.
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TG, I never said you should have left your dad alone when he didn't have the ability to care for himself.

The fact that he couldn't care for himself should have been your cue to find him an alternative living situation. Since when is finding a parent the right level of care "throwing them away"? Only in your head.

I know your dad has no money. YOUR STATE has a lot of supportive housing for elders. Rent would be based on income. He'd have social services, meals, companionship....and he'd get back his loving son.

Right now, you're an explosive, stressed, borderline verbally abusive person who is ruining his health and that of his wife.

TG, don't take a break from here. I'll stop responding, I promise.

Just please go see someone who can help you sort this out.
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TG I agree with Barb. Your wife should leave. You clearly place your dad over your marriage.
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TG, when our parents need more care than we can provide and still keep up our own responsibilities, we do look to facilities. We don't "throw them away" - we get more help. Back in the day, families lived close together, and there were others nearby to lend a hand. People weren't living into their 90's, with the accumulated health problems that come with the advanced age. We have 90+ parents with 70+ "kids" who have health problems that often preclude doing hands on care.

My mom is in NH and yes, she thinks she was thrown away. But the thing is both daughters were/are working fulltime, both have/had spouses with health issues and something had to give. I was juggling three parents and a spouse, all with health issues. My wise son told me I needed to triage, as I was exhausted with no end in sight. The spouse won out - one parent called in hospice, the other got help with day to day thing we couldn't do, the third parent went into NH, and I take care of my spouse.

Barb made a good point - sometimes our spouse's health goes south before our parent's so one needs to have a game plan for this.
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Thanks for the comments, BTW, just venting here, if you'd rather I do it somewhere else I'd be happy to go. As for dad what was I supposed to do, leave him malinger in a rented home with no ability to pay rent, take care of himself? Yes I had to bring him into my home, as my sister said "it was your choice", yes it was someone had to have the balls to do it. isn't' that what children do for their parents? I didnt know we were a throw away society when we are done with people we just throw them away in a place and forget about them.
Yes I am doing what I want to do becasue that is what I have been taught from my grandparents and great grandparents, our entire family has taken care of the generations, it is how I grew up, My grandfather took care of his mother in law and adopted a son from his second wife's child. My aunts and uncles all took care of family in the home, it may not have been great but that is all they had. I took in my SIL with brain cancer until she died and took care of my BIL long distance for 9 years in a NH until his passing, Yes it is what I want to do. So I guess I am worn here. I try to learn for others here how they deal with their issues all while struggling with my own. So I guess I dont just ignore dad while he recruperates and have to deal with this as the rehab and Drs and insurance said its time to go home. So I tell them no? I need a few more days? Sorry people but it doesnt work that way. Do I do this becasue I want to or have to? The answer is yes to both.
It is not that I expect him to be up and ready to go to work but he does tend to malinger when he knows he can. When no one is looking he can move like a ninja to get something out of the fridge when no one is around to do it for him. For the times when he really needs it I am there. Mange his meds, help him up and down the stairs, get him going, take him to appts. Its what I have to do. Am I burnt out because I have no help, YES. I did ask for him to be reviewed for cognitive issues while in rehab and that never happened. Because of the plan he chose they were not fa miler with a bundle plan and didn't do the job they were supposed to do. He tends to set things up so people will do things for him like waiting until OT shows up to even get out of bed but the nurse shows up instead to review his meds. Thats where I draw the line.
I guess I need a break here for a while. Maybe I am taking it wrong. Again just venting here............................ taking a break. Next up picking a urn for the BIL and planning his funeral to inturn him, No, there is no one else to do it, we are the last of the line. Just keeps getting better.
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I'm sorry, Glad. I feel your pain about the dysfunction. My daughter does the same thing. My TS and family have manipulated her into making me the bad guy for not putting up with nonsense. She recently posted on FB that she was "having so much fun with her mom" and posted a picture of herself and TS.

It's sad that our kids can't see the real causes behind the breakdown of these family relationships, and that they become the unwitting flying monkeys for the narcs.
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There are only 2 reasons people do anything, because we want to and because we need/have to. It seems to me TG is doing what he wants to.
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Confused? I'm baffled.

TG, you went to rehab every day to visit your father and take him clothes (fair enough, once or twice - every day?) and food (what? Why??).

So... What, you decided it would be less work to bring him home?

Are you kidding me?

What your father was able to do in rehab, he was able to do with the support and routine of a 24/7 facility staffed by trained people. Not on his own, back in his laissez-faire home environment. You can't replace structure and expertise with reminders given the night before and expect it to work.

Leaving aside the - actually quite dangerous - strain on you and your wife, for a moment: if we pointed out that it would be better for your *father* if he had the regimentation of living in a care facility, would that persuade you?
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TG, I'm honestly confused.

Why do you think that your dad should be up and attem, bathed and dressed before rehab and home health arrives?

You brought an incompletely rehabbed person home (your choice) and you DON'T expect to have to do everything for him?

He's an invalid. He needed to stay in the facility. Did you think he was going to be magically healthy?
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Hating FB tonight, wishing I had not read dd1's post about how freaking broken and hurt she is about breakdown in relationships between family members and "you know who you are". All of this as she is thinking about holidays. No doubt ts1 will post some sort of therapy reply. I need to block her.

Unless you are the caregiver you do not know the financial devastation, isolation, loss of relationships that caregiving causes. A dysfunctional family is completely doomed. Even functional families have difficulties and still broken relationships occur.

I am ticked and hurt that she would air this dirty laundry on FB of all places. What the heck is she expecting? A reply? Nope. I am trying to get past all of the hurt and anger and frustration and complete feeling of helplessness over all of this then she... Poor dd1! UGH!

My hope and wish for my kids is that their parents pass before the loss of mind.😥 She has no clue.
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TG, additionally, you STILL haven't asked to have your father's cognitive skills assessed, despite many of us here encouraging you to do that.

You might recall that one of your very first questions, TWO years ago, was about your father's mental health and cognition. We all, rather sensibly, I thought, encouraged you to be in touch with his doctor to get a read on both.

You have yet to do so.

Feel free to vent away here. I feel for you; you are apparently trapped in a mental abyss, not wanting to disobey, dishonor, anger, whatever your dad. You are not acting like a rational person. You are acting like a slave.

His destructive behaviors killed your mom. You seem to be aiming for the same fate. Not sure why...you SEEM like such a smart guy.

What will your dad's fate be if YOU drop dead of a heart attack? Is your wife going to keep him in the home?

What will happen if your wife has a massive stroke? Will you keep dad at home and tend to both of them?

Yes, I'm being provocative. But realisistic. You are making passive choices here and NOT good ones.
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DDDuck. Yep the intimidation shaming guilt thing. I have learned so much the past couple weeks. Went home on break as of 4pm all was quiet. Follow up Dr for dad today mom went. So I asked this am if he was nervous? His reply was a sarcastic "Why, should I be?" I simply smiled and said nothing. At 2 pm today we all arrived home at same time. I asked Mom in the kitchen how did it go? She replied, " It was ok". Sounded like relief 15 days past arterial surgery and 7 days past pacemaker. They settled in the kitchen and I in living room. Their muffled conversation included the words "well your heart rate dropped in office." ......these 2 want to pretend so much. So sad, as of right now, I will continue to gain ground with my faith. Yes thought about new lock last nite. There is no open assisted housing available in my area. Too much demand. Looking into a land contract no money down immediate occupancy possibilities. I will not let their nightmare define me.
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I'm curious why you brought him back home rather than telling discharge planning that your home would no longer be a safe or appropriate placement?

TG, this was a choice and YOU decided it was okay for him to trample on your home life again.

If I were your wife, I would leave. You clearly fear your dad's disapproval more than you care for your wife's health.
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Dad is back home after 2 weeks in rehab. was a bit of a challenge again as I spent everyday going to rehab to take him clothes (he didn't pack enough) food work with PT and the Dr's.
So brought him home, hes like a baby, needs everything done for him. So in between working my business and taking care of clients, picking him up, shopping and getting him food he likes, making dinner and doing his laundry. My wife working all day and cleaning his bathroom and getting his room ready (we tor it apart to do some painting while he was gone). Back to him telling stories of some influential person he seems to know, its back to normal?
I had a bit of a meltdown after dinner, Both of us are stressed. She leave for work and I have to change my work schedule to accommodate him.
So here is the rub, This AM OT and PT are coming at 9:30. I go to ask him to get up at 8 to be ready, "no, I am going to stay in bed until they come so I dont have to go up and down the stairs twice"............ So he is going to stay in bed, I have to answer the door and let them in and then they are going to his room to see him in his underwear and give him a bath???????? WTH?
I cant really see right now my blood is so boiling. I told him last night to get a bath before bed since we cleaned his bed linens. He hasn't had a shower in 2 weeks!!!!! My house is starting to smell...... and the wife is not happy.
He has his knee replaced not his arms.... He is like a giant baby, yesterday he could get all this clothes ready and out the door of the rehab and today he is alike a giant sloth.
He did this when my sister would come around act all invalid. I come from the school of tough love, suck it up and get it done. I am there to be sure he is safe and help him navigate the house but dammit his arms aren't broke. He got dressed himself for the last week at rehab what has changed??????
I am so frustrated. Wife and I got into a big row last night because I had a meltdown over this. Man, stress does kill.......
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Well this was my first week back and its been good. I fell asleep on train and woke at conductor saying west 4th street which is where i get off to go to therapy so I jumped up and then settled down realizing I had my morinings confused. Its tomarrow morning that I go to therapy.

I am just going to take it easy. I am concerned about an agreement i have with paying back owed taxes because I didnt get paid for a good 3 weeks if I go into default it could be a penalty so I am anxious to get that cleared up. Other wise I am just going to go with the flow not try to catch up on undone chores and stress myself.

So I am wishing you all well. Lots of sunshine and light in your hearts and lives.
And rays of love and peace.

Good night and sleep tight.
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Rosie, its sad to hear your post. I can understand how you feel because in many ways I was and in many ways I am still in same situation.

If you can, why dont you get a very secure lock or replace the door with your belongings. With all the dysfunction, take pictures. I am thinking that involvement with a police report would shame those involved.; jSo breaking down your door would be illegal and cause for action.

My mother used to theaten me with crazy stuff call on the job saying I leftr the light on and if Idont come and turn it off she was going to break the door down. And she did this a few times. Each time of course I was anxious and intimidated but I didnt leave my job and come home to find the light was off and all was well.

If your daughter is handicapped, maybe check with foundations for assitance also if your state has a shelter system Im sure your case would be a prioity.
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Gidget, Sorry for your loss. For want of a better word "Forget" what family or anyone thinks or feels. You did what you could and honored your father and no one can take that away. Your blessings are in your clear counscious and will always flow from a job well done. Hold your head up they werent there for you when you needed help so do you really need them now. God Bless, be strong.

I think money is the root of all ugly thoughts and sabatoge. I would keep my distance.
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PAMZIMMRRT_ thanks for your response. I am once again online tonight looking for just that. Housing assistance. Having tried many times before, I am sure it will be a no go. I work because it's more money than assistance, even though it is grueling on my body. I must take care of the job, because it takes care of me. I have steeled myself to the upsets that may be coming from the brothers. The lack of positive coping skills in this family is well known. I can get a storage place thursday. That may buy me some time. I am online tonight looking for resources more that a few friends in the field of aging have helped me with. I am practicing how NOT to get engaged in verbal negative play from my parents and that may also buy me some time. This is not the first time they have done this particular method of negative coping. Growing up, my brothers bore the brunt of the parental games. I am going to continue to pray for wisdom and help. And document what is going on.
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Rosie, I don't know your background, job or age.. but I sure would not be going to work tomorrow if I thought my things would be stolen or put on the street. If you have a job, can you afford low income housing, or an emergency woman's shelter for you and your daughter while you sort things out? And it is not as easy to evict someone these days, check other posts! Do you a have a friend you can stay with for a few days? Can you get disability? Good luck with this!
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I am getting a crash course in the realities of the aging parents. I live with them. I have extra medical of my own. I have a multi sibling family. There is no will, power of attorney or guardianship. Once again, there was a serious medical change. Even though I live here, both parents sought to hide it from me for the past year. Yes, it is a lifelong dysfunction and erratic and abusive behavior. Aging just sweetens the pot. A very recent heart surgery and pacemaker implant for dad, of course brought a lovely drama, (again) with it. Several years back, my siblings got together without me, to discuss the fact that they expected me to take care of our parents in the aging process. They decided without me, since I had raside a special needs daughter in this home, that, I was well suited to the task and, I owed them for living here. I never agreed. I have had my own lifethreatening medical to endure among everything else. Denial is the perfect game played in this family. I am aware of the changes of alzheimers and dementia with a new crach course this week to educate myself. The siblings are blaming me for the condition of the house thanks to secret conversations over many months by my parents to make it look like I am the odd one out. It's the opposite. How do I protect myself, my belongings and yes, my 26 year old daughter from the ongoing chaos? I have already learned better ways to not take anything said or done by my parents-personal. This includes verbal attacks and abuse and destruction of my personal belongings. They are fighting with manipulation, tooth and nail to hide their deficits. They do not want to be placed in any type of assisted care. I have no claim on the house even after living here a lifetime. The stress alone is a detriment to my health. What steps can I take? I actually believe while I am at work tomorrow, wednesday, they are allowing brothers in to remove my things. It's a cover for the fact my father has ocd anxiety and hoarding. My mother is pell mell helter skelter. Hides the silverware, cannot finish a task, pulls things out of cupboards and leaves things on the floor etc. I have fallen multiple times in the last 6 months because of the stuff on stairs and kitchen floor. I cannot clear it fast enough or even keep up every day. But, it's blamed on me because I live here. I was paralyzed twice by autoimmune reactions and pushed myself through what recovery I could. The entire family including the parents, are in complete denial of the grueling work that takes. I am lucky to walk. There must be a positive way through this. how do I proceed?
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