The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Joan~I too thought some months back that my sister may have the beginning of early onset dementia. I did some research on brain fog...this website explains it and the causes: http://www.drlam.com/blog/brain-fog/1962/. I think this is what she has. She has low blood pressure which causes it, so does consuming artificial sweeteners, and sis is drinking diet pepsi for the caffeine as it helps to raise her blood pressure. Not eating meat daily can cause it...there are many reasons for it including hypoglycemia which sis can get due to the diabetes. What I got out of the article was that a person needs to change their overall diet, water consumption, possibly some supplements.

My dad passed at age 76 due to Alzheimer's. He was working part time after age 65 for about 5 years. I am going to take a wild guess that his symptoms started in his late 60's...maybe 68. My mom did not notice it until he officially retired at 70 years old. Mom asked his employer if they noticed anything with him but they just said they noticed he had slowed down. Dad was probably diagnosed with dementia in 1997. Mom had been taking to dad to different dr.s regarding his symptoms but they did not know what they were doing, when he was diagnosed, he much more advanced than my mom. Mom was probably 80 years old when we knew she had early Alzheimer's, she is now 84. We have no history of early onset dementia but that doesn't mean it could not happen.

I really think my sister's problem is brain fog. Yesterday she could not do simple arithmetic. I measured a wall...it was 8'11". We want half of that to get center...she couldn't figure it out.

I don't want to sound like a mean person, but when sis is like this, she should stay home to rest and take care of herself. Today she was better cognitively but not physically. The first restaurant we went to was packed with people...standing outside waiting to be seated. We were already running late because mom was not ready when we got there. I told sis, I don't think this is going work so we can meet the my Mike and our nephew Mike by 11am. Do you want to go somewhere else. She agreed. I asked for the keys to her car...I drive faster, LOL!! We went across town, when we got out of the car, I told her pointing...we can either eat at Chubby's or the Waffle Shop. Sis responded with a furrowed brow and a tone saying what "is" Chubby's? Well my response...probably not the best under the circumstances because her tone and expression show disapproval, I said it is a diner. She got mad, saying you know, I am tired of you snapping at me, rolling your eyes, is it because I am slow? I said no...she said well I am tired of you snapping at me for no reason!! I said there is a reason...1)your tone and expression of eating at Chubby's (which is a very good breakfast diner), showed complete disapproval...2) I snapped at you a couple weeks ago because you don't accept it when I say no...not today responding with "I DON'T UNDERSTAND!!! You don't have to understand, just accept that Mike and I said no...let it go!!! She said let's just eat at the Waffle Shop. Go figure!!

My point again is that when sis is not cognitively up to par or physically up to par, she should stay home and let me and others handle things. She won't do that because she thinks only she can make decisions...I am not considered capable by her..this is the truth in how she overall responds to me on situations.The only thing sis was needed for, was to sign the new rent agreement yesterday. I know this sounds petty, but I don't get very many consecutive days off work. Sis gets every weekend off. Because of her health, she does not come here to check to on mom...this is understandable...but at the same time, I am not a machine that keeps on ticking like the energizer rabbit. I worked 6 days last week with overtime, this week, I have only one day off again because a co-worker is having surgery on Monday for a tummy tuck. She lost over 100 lbs., gets rashes with the excess skin.I expect this will be my schedule for the next 4-6 week to pick up the slack with her off. I did request the weekend of my birthday off, Dec. 14-15. That may be the only consecutive days off I get for a while...they are mine, selfishly admitted,LOL!!

Thanks for letting me vent all this. When sis is feeling better, I will share this website with her, hoping she will make some diet changes..not holding my breath on it as she is like mom...what she learned years ago still applies.

Hugs to everyone!!

glad - I am not clear what has happened - is this with regard to your mum and her spouse who you are caring for?

mother called several times today and said she is moving to the new place in a month, and again tells me the ALF is charging her double, which it isn't. I expect some money - a deposit perhaps - must have changed hands for her to have a place to move into. She has reverted back to where she was in the summer saying her ALF is dangerous for her, so the paranoia is back in full force. My sis did a good job of stirring her up. I will make a few phone calls on Monday to let her case worker and a few others know what is happening.

Karamella - welcome. The craziness of some of this. Interesting you call your bro a sociopath. I feel my sis is too and I know her motivation is money. That is horrible about your mum. You wouldn't believe how many sibs want the power but not the responsibility. Your poor mum is not in good shape, and obviously not getting the care she needs, Could you discuss this with a social worker or the Agency on Aging? Are there any free resources -someone who could help your mum a few hours/days a week? I think you should talk to someone at the county or state level. Sounds like things are pretty horrible. Worth a try!

Gladimhere your story sounds somewhat like mine. I just joined this group for fear I would pull my hair out if I couldn't find people who understand what I'm going through. My Mom has several types of dementia and has lost her mobility as well from NPH (Water on the brain) that was not diagnosed for 15 years after the onset of her symptoms. My father "appears" to be in fairly good health but either isn't doing all that well mentally, or is showing his "true colors" which turns out to be passive/aggressive behavior with a victim mentality... My brother is a total sociopath and has complete control over my father, who shares the control over my Mom with my brother. I'm left picking up the pieces, trying to protect my Mom who is very vulnerable and depressed, being ignored and neglected by my father who insists on her living with him in an Asst. Living Facility that cannot provide the care she needs and won't "evict" her because they want to keep their place full and they've put on her care plan that my Dad is doing many aspects of her care as a way of absolving themselves of the liability for keeping her there when she has needs they are not going to meet. She's dehydrated, eating very little, recurrent UTI's, maybe have CDIF from too many antibiotics, just got out of a rehab center (100 days) because she fell and broke her hip when my father slept through her attempt to get out of the bed in the middle of the night. She couldn't use the call light because he kept the control on HIS side of the bed (he doesn't NEED help getting up). She recently got up in the night and used a paring knife to cut off her pajamas - he slept right through it.... When the nurse at the Asst. Living and I told him he needed to collect all the sharp objects in the apt. and put them out of reach he didn't. When I discovered all the kitchen knives were still in the drawer and asked him why he hadn't moved them he said "the knife she used that night was on the counter so I don't need to move the ones in the drawer." Yesterday I found the paring knife on the counter AGAIN. My brother and my father tricked her into signing Power of Attorney over to my brother about 18 months ago when he was closing a real estate transaction for them. They told her it was a paper letting him sell their property in Utah. It was a full blown 6 page Power of Attorney giving him the right to do anything he wants. She wasn't competent to sign it then, but my attorney tells me that I won't be able to prove it since my brother and Dad will say she was. Now I find out my Dad gave my brother Power of Attorney for himself as well! So here they are in Oregon, my brother in Utah, he has all the "power" and I have the responsibility. He made his WIFE the 2nd person on the Power of Attorney, not me. My father won't tell me anything about their finances, and I fear my brother has his hands in the money pot. My father is acting like they are almost broke... but they shouldn't be. The main reason my father won't let me move my Mom to a higher level of care facility is that he won't be able to live with her if she moves and he doesn't want to spend money from his pension and SS to live on his own. Her long term care insurance pays for the Asst. Living, including his fees for living there. I am at my wits end. I feel fortunate that he let me help him pick the place they are in because it's about 10 minutes from my house. He and my brother were planning that they move in to a facility more than an hour (each way) from my house! (what does my brother care, he's in Utah!) I think my Dad is trying to keep me from "blowing the whistle" on him for neglecting my Mom. I don't mind if he doesn't want to do all the things that he has to do for her since they are in an asst. living (instead of an adult care home) but if he won't let me move her and he won't do basic things like make sure she's getting enough water letting her continue to spiral downward isn't an option! I took her to the Dr. a week ago and she was so dehydrated her blood pressure was 65 over 35! I go to see her every day (almost) but I can't be there every meal to make sure she eats, make sure she's drinking enough, and that she's getting changed often enough to reduce the chance of UTI's. My Dad won't even let the facility manage her medications because he wants to keep the $300 that would come out of the Long Term care $$$ if they administered her meds. But he won't keep track of what he's giving her either! I am at my wits end. The attorney told me it would cost about $10,000 for me to try to overturn the Power of Attorney and he gave me a 45% chance of winning. How do I protect her when I have to voice in her living situation? On Thanksgiving I tried to rally some support from my relatives who live here but they think my Dad's wishes for them to be together should come first. They fear that if the two of them were apart, it might break their hearts... And I'm afraid if they stay together in that Asst. Living she'll break her other hip, or WORSE! Thinking of talking to someone at the County or State level. But not sure they will be of any help.....in my experience things have to be pretty horrible before they will take any action.

Any of you caregivers ever find out that vengeful siblings paid a deposit on an assisted living apartment without consulting anyone including a spouse that is competent? I cannot believe it! And completely unbelievable. Not an appropriate living arrangement for spouse with general age related decline. Spouse is not able to provide care, sometimes not recognized either to say nothing of the times it is thought that they are not married.

oh Sharyn - not a great day but you got through it. I hope your mum's first night in her new room works well. It must have been upsetting to see that lady on the floor. ((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))

well I had a long answer written and the internet/TV service to the area crashed as I hit submit, so I guess it was not meant to be, I will try again.
cm – I have lived with “publicly aired exaggerations, distortions and outright lies” before. What’s new? I won’t go into details but I have a few more stories that would make your jaw drop. I have learned to live with it and still hold my head high as I have nothing to hide or be ashamed of. Lawyers here cost $200 an hr. I think I probably need one to appeal to the courts to be released from POA. I am waiting for confirmation from mother’s lawyer about that. If I do not hear back from her soon I will engage one. Presumably he will tell me what I need to do in order to appeal to be released from these duties. I am a senior too, which should work in my favour. I have had a few more phone calls this morning. Mother reports that the director of her facility tore up her lease and now she is afraid to stay there – it is dangerous to her. I would say she is not taking her antipsychotic medication, as this is how she was before she got it. She says in her voice mail that she can get into the new place in a month. I give her about 6 months in there by which time she will have issues with it. Frankly, I think she needs a psych facility as she will not take meds. Ex has advised me to journal what has happened with mother. He has a very good mind for legalities, though untrained, and has won a few in court. Sis will only go to court. I think, if she thinks she can get money for it. Her MO is to come here, stir up trouble and then leave me to deal with the mess and blame me, of course. Mother is always more stirred up after she has been with sis.

Sharyn – from what you have been writing for a while I have been thinking that your sister is declining and may need a good medical/neurological evaluation. You have Alz in the family. At what age did it first appear? I am glad you spent enough time with her to see it. I am sure it was sad to see. I think I am more relaxed as I know I cannot continue this way, so I will do whatever I have to do to get out of it. If I cannot get out of it, I will deal only at arm’s length, and with other people as much as possible. Glad you realise your mum may have a meltdown with you too, but I agree it is worth trying. Legal things usually are drawn out – but that’s OK, I just have to keep serious detachment and distance. Yes, I need some deep breaths and to do something good for me.

Hi shadowchild and welcome. Great that you have a good relationship with your mother. I know what criticism from the sibs is like, I get it from mother as well. Feel free to come and vent or ask for support and suggestions. We have a very good group here and we understand. (((((((hugs)))))))

Glad – thanks - there are a couple of differences in our situations - one is I do not want/cannot emotionally afford to care for mother, and another is that I have not touched her money. So I don’t see how this could explode on me. If I am missing something please let me know. All I want is to be released from those duties. Honestly, I don’t care who takes them on as long as they are moderately competent. I know you have been seriously burnt. Am I missing something?

Unfortunately G thinks I can just detach and continue to deal with this. I have told him that I have PTSD, but he does not seem to understand it. But then, typical male, he is not great with emotions. And he has not seen as much of my family dynamics as my long-time friends so I think he truly does not understand. Now I need to check with friends for suggestions for a good lawyer.

Hope everyone is having a great weekend. (((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))

I am done with the moving for today. Still have some pictures to hang in the bathroom. Mom is very confused and upset but not where I think she needs to have a Xanax. My sister thought she should one...she may see to that since I left. Mom was crying but not screaming or yelling. Sis can't handle it but she won't leave, she thinks if she stays she can calm mom down. When I left mom was fine.

Sis and I went out to her car to get a hammer, when we came back down the hall to mom's new room, a woman was laying on the floor by mom's door. She fell out of her wheelchair. I ran down the hall to the dining room alerting the caregivers. It scared me to death seeing her there, she was not conscious. when I came back with 2 caregivers, my husband was standing by the woman, he told the caregivers she was breathing. they talked with the woman trying to bring her around, she was moaning. They called her family and paramedics because she bumped her head and hurt her wrist. I hope she is ok. At least mom didn't see it. It shook up my nephew too. Wow what a day, hopefully sis won't over stay and mom getting agitated again.

Gotta get ready for work now,

Also meant to say:
take it from one who knows!!

Emjo--
Definitely retain counsel for yourself, it sounds as if this could potentially explode on you as it has on me. And I have all documentation to cover my backside. Make sure your interests are being legally tended to.

Thank you! Caregiving is not my real problem. I love my mother. It is the barrage of constant criticism I receive from other family members who do nothing that frustrate me the most often. This thread is truly needed.

.Joan-I have never seen my sister so disoreinted as she was yesterday.if she has like this at work, I understand why they demoted her. It was rather sad to see her at age 60 so feable and frail. She called me after got home because she was confused about our plans for today.

You sound more relaxed about the situation with your
mom and sister. I hope the attorney gets in touch with you soon, getting your own attorney is a good idea.

There is no guarantee that my mom won't have a melt down with me too but I will try it. If it doesn't work then it may best we don't bring mom here for the holidays. Who knows where she will be cognitively next year.

Let us know what you find out from the attorney. I hope that going to court will be a long drawn out affair like it can be here in the States.

Everyone take some deep breaths and step back from our current situations..hugs to all of you.

What I'd be worried about, from the sound of your sister, is that she'd be capable of making such an appeal if the starring role attracted her strongly enough, and that the appeal would publicly air a great many exaggerations, distortions and outright lies. Sure, the facts and numbers will be on your side, so it won't get anywhere, but it'll be hideous. And why should you have to spend time and emotional energy on it?

If you've got a friendly neighbourhood lawyer who doesn't pick fights and doesn't cost the earth, it might be a good idea to let him/her check the road ahead for potential pitfalls; and copy him/her in on whatever goes to your mother's lawyer. Ass covering, I think they call it. Outrageous you should have to, but possibly worth it as a pre-emptive move?

update. This morning in an email I outlined to the lawyer what has been happening and my reasons, somewhat in detail, for wanting to step down from my duties. I know her first responsibility is to mother, and I was concerned that she think I have been mismanaging funds. I really didn't want to go into it all, but felt I should. So now she has my version to date of what has been happening since the summer when POA was activated and what has precipitated my request. I asked her if I need to get my own lawyer. From what I have read, if someone thinks the POA is abusing or neglecting duties they can appeal to the courts for a change. Maybe if I hold back enough my sis would do that lol, but I doubt it, She would lose her scapegoat.

(((((((sallie)))))) It is painful, but the alternative is worse. I am glad you have good resources around, You must look after yourself. You, at least, have a wonderful man, and he is to be commended and I see that you value him greatly, Life is not easy, and when the chips are down you need people you can count on. Hope you continue to post - the support here is great.

Thanks emjo,
It was hard to let go of my sister, but I was making myself sick asking for help all the time. I know my mom's health will get worse and we do have good have good resources around. I already see a decline in mom and I'm having more health issues. Thankfully I'm married to a wonderful man and he never complains about helping.

cm - you are not overreacting! It is a tad or ten unreasonable –in fact abusive in my books. I think the lawyer was stunned that she would say that in front of me on the verge of signing the document. What was the point other than to put me down? She should have settled her issues about it with him before I came on the scene. But, that is life with mother. My sis does the same thing –goes on the attack but she does it with a big smile. Mother still manages her own money – she is considered competent – barely. Most of her bills come off her account automatically. She writes cheques for a few things and that still works. She has a financial advisor who helps her with a few little things and so far that has worked. Right now she is forgetting her PIN number for her debit card and also for her cc. That was sorted out in the summer and again now – this time by my sister. So she is reaching a point where she cannot use them reliably. She still should be OK with using a cc and just signing for it, but not using it to withdraw cash. She would have to agree with any arrangement I made or she won’t use it and would make major difficulties for all involved. She has serious control issues as you may have gathered. Mother has Borderline Personality Disorder, narcissism and paranoia. She also has started misplacing money, and thinks people have stolen from her and so on and doesn’t hesitate to call them thieves. The director has reprimanded her and now she has a hate on him.
Revenge – not at all, not my nature. In fact my latest, for which I take no credit –God had to plant it in me - is to pray blessings on my enemies – and people who aggravate me. I feel so much better when I do that. Anger happens. I woke up with it early morning, but I don’t harbor it, don’t let it take root.
My ex is like a brother too. I have no bros. He and I talk about anything and everything. That is very funny about the wedding cake!!! How good of him to take an interest on your mum. My ex would help if she let him. Yes, you learn who you can count on though I have a friend of 45 years who has been a rock for me and I see little changes in her responses, so I am pulling back. I think it is age and health related, as she has had two mastectomies in the past few years, and is very overweight and has pretty bad arthritis. We will still be able to lunch together when I travel south and enjoy one another’s company, but I don’t think I can count on her as I have and that is OK. I am so very thankful for all the years… Unexpected blessings, like the trash cans are so touching.

Sharyn, somehow I am not surprised you and your sis did not finish the decorating, I am sorry about your sis’s health. I dislike hanging pictures. It is quite a chore and a collage would be tricky. Glad they are not charging double rent. Sounds like you have it all organized. Hope your mum adjusts without problems. It is not surprising that your mum had a meltdown going home – adjustments are hard.. Hope what you decide to do at Christmas works. Hope also that brunch and the move goes well tomorrow. I smiled at the thought of the two of you hiding from your mum. Lol!
Re your short second post - I think you are right that your mum will be angry and upset about the move for a short while. It would be good if sis could accept how it is with your mum soon. It would be easier on her.
Let us know tomorrow how it went.

One other thing with sis today that bothers me...she kept saying, "I hope we at least get a smile out of mom for this." I told her not to except that, mom is going to be angry and upset about the move for a few days. I wish my sis would get over doing things for mom ex[ecting a big thank you from her...it is not going to happen. I understand where my sis is at emotionally with mom, but what sis whats is not going to happen.

We did not get all the decorating done as it was a very bad day for my sister health wise. She was holding on to things to aid herself in walking more than usual and mentally she was in fog. I had to be very patient which is hard for me as I am always in a hurry to get things done.She was not following me well at all today. What we did get put up, I had to do because she had to sit, her physical strength was not there today. We brought over many family pics to make a collage on a large wall as this room is bigger than the one mom is now in. Neither of us realized how time consuming it was going to be to center these pics..different sizes, over this wall. Plus there is room for us to bring over a love seat. We started at 10:30 and quit at 5:30. Tomorrow we are meeting at 9:30 to take mom to brunch as the crew at the community will move mom's bed, dresser and nightstand over. Then at 11am my nephew will meet my husband at mom's house to move over the love seat and sis and I will move over the clothes in the closet plus all bathroom supplies.They are not going to charge us for 2 days rent.

I did say that yesterday went well with mom, but today I found out from sis when she brought mom back to community she had a melt down regarding Midget. Mom was confused yesterday thinking she was taking Midget back with her. I explained that Midget barks too much keeping other people awake during the night as the caregivers are walking down the hallways. She seemed to accept it, but all He!! broke loss when sis brought her back. Mom started stomping her feet, "I want my dog!!" "She is keeping my dog!!" She, being me. Sis said mom was calling her a bitch, blaming her for all of it...sis asked them to give mom a Xanax. Sis stayed for an hour as the Xanax calmed her down. I don't know what we will do at Christmas...maybe if I take mom back to the community she won't go off since she is much better with me or we can take Midget to my mom's house for the day, until mom leaves. I think if I take her back may work better. We did not see mom today as we did not want her to know about the move...will tell her tomorrow during brunch. However, as we were leaving her new room, we saw mom and another resident in the tea room through the windows overlooking the courtyard. The tearoom is right around a hallway from the new room. Sis and I went back into the new room hiding from mom. We waited several minutes..sis looked out the door seeing mom going around corner to the dining room. We quickly left....laughing that here we are 55 and 60 years old hiding from mom, LOL!! All in a days work.

Thank you Emjo - sometimes I think I'm overreacting, it's good to have it confirmed that I'm not wrong to find this behaviour a tad unreasonable.

But actually I find it comforting when my sister picks up a subject on which I know she is plain wrong - and goes about being wrong with such unshakeable confidence! At least then it's funny… And besides there's never anything to thrash out. It's just a matter of fact. I can shrug: have it your way.

I'm not surprised the lawyer's jaw dropped. Your mother makes my jaw drop and a) I thought I'd met a few… and b) I've never even met her. I hope you're not imagining the lawyer was stunned at the thought that you might be as described. Oh no: I'm sure he's met plenty of people who wanted to be a bit cautious about POA - but he would have been astonished that your mother could use those terms in your presence and still expect you to act as her clerk.

I'm also surprised that resigning the POA might not be straightforward? It's hard, as you say, to imagine that an attorney who has become unable to continue would be obliged to by the court. But if that should prove to be the case, would you perhaps be able to appoint agents to do anything that required contact? Your mother is so fantastically abusive that I can't see why you shouldn't spend her money on services such as banking, accountancy and care, provided of course that they are demonstrably for her benefit. You'd control her life and have nothing to do with her. Serve her right. I admire what you've said about anger and revenge (proper thanks on their way), but - aren't you even tempted??!

It's good to be friends with an ex. I'm closer to mine than I am to my brothers, and I often do think of him as a brother these days. I certainly think of his now wife as my sister-in-law, and in fact can remember the first time I used the term: I made their wedding cake, and had to deliver it to the venue the day before the wedding. Rang to make the arrangements, was asked for my name and what my connection was with the bride and groom - and realised with a horrible flash that "groom's ex-wife" in the context of delivering a full-sized wedding cake might cause a needless security alert in the minds of uninformed persons… so, sister-in-law. It felt true. He's certainly shown more concern about, and been more active in helping, my mother than either of my real brothers. Not suggesting my brothers don't love my mother, I know they do; the difference is what they can be stirred up to do about it.

You do learn over time who you can really count on, don't you? And it's often not the people you'd expect. Good neighbours, too - so many nice people in the world is a happy thought to go to bed with.

Oh my, what a blessing. Some kind soul lugged the trash cans up the driveway and put them back beside the house. I feel cared for! I think it was the neighbour to the east , not that they have done it before, but the neighbour to the west would not likely see them as they enter their house around the corner. I will ask next time I see them. When he and Gary chat he always asks G in for a beer. He drinks quite a lot, but G doesn't, so he always declines, but they have a nice chat. :)

I have found the best thing for Sundowning is red wine. I pour mom a full glass of Merlot. If she won't drink it, I will. (pardon my humor)

Ju - I suppose you could learn from finding out what condition(s)your mum has. It has helped me to put a name to mother’s problems. We do learn some bad habits. I have had to deal with that, and probably still struggle with a few. It helps to have good people in your life to give you feedback. My sons and G do that once in a while and are gentle with me. You must wonder how your brothers are. It is only natural. Ah, the sibling position thing. I am the youngest too which may help justify my sister’s behaviour to some extent - to her. I think you are right saying jealousy – I see that in our family. I have always been the one given the responsibilities too. Helps a lot not to take the criticism personally, but that is not always easy.

Margeaux - I hear you about the happy little family - NOT! I am glad you stayed with your plans. Interesting that your sis will bring your mum to the bro’s but not to you. A little sexism here maybe? Of course you missed your hubby and love him even if he is human! Lol I love and miss Gary too. Hope your sinuses get better. Those headaches are bad. I had ginger tea the other day. It is good too.

Sharyn –so glad your TG turned out well and your mum enjoyed it. Hope the decorating went well and your mum settles into her new room well. Let us know!

Middlechild3 –welcome. Wow, you really got tossed into this. It is amazing how many sibs want money and will go to some lengths to get it. Good for you getting the POA revoked. Glad you are at peace about your youngest sis now. You are not alone that your mum was always a “hard” woman, and isn’t any better now. Many of us on this thread have the same experience. In a few cases, the mother’s personality has improved with dementia. I am sorry that you had to leave your career to be a care giver. That is hard. I retired a bit earlier than I wanted to but that is not such a big deal. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive your sisters –not for their sakes, but for your own. ((((((hugs)))))

Sallie - welcome to you too. You are in another situation with a greedy sibling. Glad she was caught. I am so sorry that you have such serious health issues yourself and that your sis made herself even more unavailable so you get no help. ((((((hugs))))) Are there any programs in town which could give you some respite? It is great that your husband helps. One day your mum will need more care. Have you any plans for that? As far as the sibs who don’t care, I think they sleep quite well. Somehow they have justified to themselves that their behaviour is fine. At least, that I what I believe about my sister.

cm - I have been reading another thread where you describe some sibling interaction. Whoa! Pretty bad. I will not stay long in my sister’s presence because she sticks the knife in and twists it. I will not be accepting phone calls for that reason. With mother being in an ALF, I can maintain more distance than you can. You have my deepest sympathies. My way of coping is to forgive again and again and again, and avoid interaction as much as possible.

Here the phone is quiet finally. I have heard nothing from the lawyer which surprises me somewhat. She has always answered quickly before. Then I remembered that the last exchange we had was where the lawyer made a big point that I had to realize that in activating POA my mother’s money was not for my use, and I answered quite strongly that I knew that and that I had no need of my mother’s money etc. I can only assume that mother said something to her to cause her to feel that I might abuse the POA. Mother did that to the lawyer when we signed the original document for me to be Executor and his jaw dropped and I nearly walked out telling her to find someone she trusted if she didn’t trust me. I should have. I have found out that where we are, I have to apply to the court to be released from being POA and it is the court’s decision whether to let me go or not. There is really no information as to the kind of conditions that are acceptable. I find that a bit strange as sometimes the POA must drop dead, or get ill, or injured and be unable to continue. Another problem is that, as far as I understand it, the alternate must agree to take over. I rather doubt that my sis would. She doesn’t want to do the work, but wants to interfere, cause trouble for me and criticise. I have not agreed that moving mother is a good thing, and I have the personal directive, so it is my responsibility to make that decision. She has, in collusion with mother, but not having consulted with anyone else, decided that she will move mother, and now expects me to do the work. I am not going to. So, I will wait a week to see if I hear from the lawyer, and if not, I will contact a lawyer of my own. Someone cautioned me to read the POA etc. documents well, and I need to do that to see if there is anything there I can work with.

These episodes do stir up the PTSD. I am recalling past incidents of this type of behaviour and feeling the associated feelings – embarrassment, anger, and abandonment for some. I woke up early this morning terribly angry, and thankfully got past that. Then had a bit of a pity party. Ex G is being a great support. He understands my family situation better than most. I am thankful that we have become friends, and that G is comfortable with that.

Wishing everyone a good weekend. Happy decorating or whatever. I need to dig the trash cans out of the snow and put them back by the house. Someone kindly closed the lids after they were emptied, as it was snowing. Love and hugs

Sallie~How sad that your sister could not help more while you were undergoing chemo and radiation, unfortunately, we come to see the true side of our siblings when it comes time to help mom or dad. It is good that you have basically accepted she won't help other than taking her to the lung dr. What are your plans for your mother as she progresses? The Area Agency on Aging is an excellent source of help for adult children caregiving for their parents as they have many programs they may qualify for based on income of your parent. It includes getting home health care help, respite time for you and other services such as adult day care. Welcome to the thread, we offer lots of support!!

Middle~ Big hugs to you for all you are doing for your mother. It is very difficult to caregive to an abusive parent...I have one too.I learned to set personal boundaries and to detach with love from mother. This does mean I don't care...emjo posted a poem a page or two back about detachment...it is very right on the mark. My mother also has dementia, but once she became mentally incapacitated, we moved her into a memory care unit as my sister and I must continue to work, there is no way around us not working. Mom was abusive throughout our childhoods into adulthood. She set things up with her attorney that neither of us could be paid through her estate to take care of her. Sis takes care of all of the financials and I take care of mom regarding her medical and personal needs such as taking her to dr. appts., haircuts, podiatrist appts. I also visit 2-3 times a week, take her to lunch etc. Mom is not abusive to the caregivers at the community, only to family. She also has a mental illness known as a personality disorder....it sounds like your mother may have one too...google daughtersofnarcissisticmothers to learn more. My mother has gotten much better in how she treats me, however, she is still very abusive to my sister. Welcome to this thread and hope to hear more from you!!

* POA

Wow middle, you've had a rough go of it. I'm also a middle child. Older sister was jealous mom came to live next door to me. We haven't talked in two years. Older brother is an alcoholic and never comes to see mom. One younger sister who was my best friend stole thousands of dollars from my parents house while my father was dying 3 years ago and I was half living there taking care of him. She threw me under the bus for it, but was found out when she stole from my mom's safe deposit box and was caught on camera. Haven't heard from her in almost three years. One other younger sister who comes around about once every two months to take mom to her lung doctor and out to lunch. Mom is 76 and has severe COPD. She never drove or made friends. I just got finished with chemo and radiation for breast cancer. I asked the sister who does the lung doctor to give me more help while I was going through this and she turned around and went from working part time to full time for an excuse. I know for a fact she doesn't need the money. We rarely communicate because she doesn't want me asking for help. I've finally given up. Luckily mom made me POS and I share executive duties with Ms. Lung doctor. I take mom to the bank, doctor, shopping and anywhere else she has to go. I take her meals almost every night. Me and my husband fix things for her. Thankfully she isn't mean to me like your mom. I wouldn't be able to stand that. You should be praised for what you do. You're a good person and like me can sleep at night knowing you did everything you could for her. And in the end you and I won't be wishing we could have done more or seen them more. That will be on the shoulders of the siblings who don't care now.

My family has been dysfunctional since I was born into it and it never got any better when we all grew up. Two half sisters, two biological sisters and one brother who passed away last year.
My elderly mother was diagnosed with dementia in 2009 and has been with me ever since. I wasn't to be the one to take care of her and in fact, I was working when I found out my mom was ill. My sisters had all decided what was going to become of our mom and I was fine with it but in the end, they all cut the ties and left me to be our mom's caregiver. I was thrown into this without a clue and in fact, I had not talked to my mother in four years prior to her illness. I wasn't close to my mother either.
My oldest half sister had committed felony elder fraud against my mom and was charged but never faced her charges. She left the state. The other half sister obtained POA for herself a year before I learned our mom was ill and my sister had her claws into our mom's money and house. My half sister had planned to move our mom in with her and rent out my mom's house but for some reason unbeknownst to me, my half sister decided not to move our mother in with her. My half sister thought she was going to continue being our mom's POA, spend our mother's life savings, rent out our mom's house and leave ME to take care of our mother. Well, I am not stupid by any means and I guess my half sister thought I was. When it occurred to me that my sister had planned on leaving me to take care of our mother, I called my sister on the phone and told her she needed to revoke her POA. She was of course stunned. She was miffed about it and got angry but I told her if she wasn't coming to get our mother then I was going to hire an attorney and revoke her POA. That's exactly what I did. I also changed the Will and removed everyone.
My youngest sister was always going to be the one who would take care of our mother when the time came and she was the first one to cut the ties. We had been very close all of our lives and when I moved our mother in with me, my sister stopped talking to me. April will be five years and I still haven't heard from my sister. She never gave me a reason and I never got any closure. I don't know what happened and it bothered me for a very long time. I am over it now though. My brother was never involved and he cut the ties with our mom a long time ago so he was never going to help take care of our mother.
I have been my mother's caregiver for almost five years with no help from anyone. My mom can't do anything for herself and she is a miserable woman. She is never happy, she is never nice. She says hateful, hurtful things to me and calls me nasty names. She tells me to go to hell and that I should die.
It isn't just the dementia. My mom was always a 'hard' woman and was rarely affectionate. She was very opinionated and didn't care what she said to anyone. Everyone knew where they stood with her.
Taking care of my mother has been the hardest job I have ever had and I won't even say it's the best job I've ever had because that would be a lie. I don't like it and I resent my sisters for not helping me. I was forced to leave a job that I really liked and it wasn't just a job. It was my career. I will never forgive my sisters for what they have done.

Our Thanksgiving day turned out really nice. Mom was much more relaxed than she has been the last few years with wanting to go home 20 minutes after she got here so she can check on Midget, make sure she turned off the heater or locked all the doors.

Gotta go meet sis at mom's house, then decorate the room. Have a good holiday weekend everyone!!

What the heck! Remember I'd written I'd hardly spoken to my sister and that I didn't know if anything was planned for TG? Well for some of you that may not know about my situation w/my sister, it goes like this. After our dad died in 2001, (he was the glue of the family) she's been in charge of Thanksgiving. She just took this over throughout the years. But last year there was so much drama that had to do w/our very difficult SIL, but my sister I think is kind of her match.

Anyway, as a result of that drama, my sister was very offended, blah di blah.
I heard about it throughout Dec., of last year, and she's been bringing it all up all year, too. The end result....is that my sister decided she didn't want to do this TG anymore, which involved bringing all the family together, which includes we the siblings, the SIL, and several grandchildren (young adults) and their small kids.
Of course at the back of all of this is my mother, and my sister wants to make the holiday for her, bring us all together like a happy little family! Yeah, right! HAAH!
Anyway, my sister had told me mos., ago she wasn't going to do this kind of TG, anymore.

So, today at 12:00 noon, she calls me. She's inviting me to go to mom's, she ended up making a turkey, etc., and it's only going to be her, mom, and my sister's daughters, son in law, and the grandkids. She wanted me to go.
I'd already made plans, and wanted to remain local, so I told her I wasn't coming.
She also goes on to tell me that they were eating real soon, which must have meant about 1:00, because she'd been invited the night before by that difficult SIL, to my brother's house. She made a turkey, which I couldn't believe! They've been married about 27 yrs., and they've never, ever made turkey dinner at their house because they were always coming to my mom's all the while. Now this is the SIL, my sister is having these issues with, however she's telling me that she was going to take my mother down there, so my brother could see her. This is another thing.....I don't know why my sister is always accomodating both my brothers, taking mom to their houses for visits. My two brothers live about 50-60 miles away from mom and my sister. She never does this for me. If I want to see mother, I have to drive to their home, what's up with that?? Anyway, does anyone have any ideas as to this weird thinking?

I'm glad I didn't go down there, and I thought, wow, thanks for giving me a day's notice, about the invite to mom's for turkey.

I went to my choice for TG, and ate lot's of food, and had a great time.
I did miss my husband even though he is sometimes a little pain, but I love him.

I hope all of you had a wonderful TG. I have to catch up on some newer posters.
It's been a stressy week, plus I've been having a go w/my sinuses, and have been very spaced out at times. But feel better.

O.K., guys.....if you've eaten too much have some mint tea. It's great for digestion.

Hugs to all,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

I do love my brothers and wonder how they are, if they are ok, has there physical health declined or ??? I would love to have a relationship. But not at the cost of myself mother and our lives... I also ended up in court with him but prevailed when it came to bro trying to take over. Honestly if I had not moved so far away there is a good chance I would have caved in and maybe tried again. Not sure about that one, after court I was pretty sure he had gone tooooo far but idk I have always wanted to help him I am just unable too because of the dynamic between us...also a lot was pointed out to me that his part of his issue is that I am the baby girl and he is the oldest boy and in his mind it is his job and it is threatening/jealousy (for lack of the right term, I cant come up with now) to him, because he is not in a position to take on that I have always been the one in charge per se of family issues! including my parents putting me in executor position way back in the 80's. Not sure but kinda makes sense with the way things were....helps to not take it personal I guess.

I am sorry if I get confusing or not make sense sometimes....I don't comprehend written material or articulate thoughts well so what I am thinking or trying to say does does not come out how I am thinking it! and I have to read things over n over sometimes to get it, I miss a part of the point! Ughh
Anyway! I will be quiet now!
Sleep that turkey off, or shop till you drop, whatever your preference!
Love and thanks for being here,
Juju