The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Joan,
You made a good decision by not giving in. Stay strong, however painful!
Yes it was nice to have a Turkey dinner and no fuss, anytime anyone else is doing the cooking is a good thing nowadays for me. It is one of the few lil things I can claim respite. Not to have to haul us anywhere and not cooking=double bonus!!!
What I mean to say above about mom's behavior is it is too late to communicate with her about anything, and that she does not need to receive treatment at this point in her life I believe as she is different. but it is not too late to put a name on it, could always learn from it, I am sure I am not perfect and picked up some of the bad habits and strive to improve all the time and anything I can learn from that experience would be good.

Thank you all for being there! Hang in there with the struggles you face, have faith!
Peace,
Juju

cm –I don’t know if I can help but I will try. I also regret that I am not friends with my sister. And I also care. Don’t think that I don’t. It is a question of how you handle your feelings. I think sis hates or seriously dislikes me too, partly because I came along as a 2nd child and disrupted her early life. I think also because she perceived I had a better relationship with my father than she did. But my father was not one to pick favourites.

I have a matter of fact approach at times as it makes the most sense to me in figuring out how my course of action. It is a difficult subject, and, to me, needs some reason/logic to sort things out so they work for me. That does not mean I don’t feel emotions over it.

So how do I avoid getting eaten up by the injustice of her and my mother’s attitude?

Well, I don’t hate either of them and never have. I forgive regularly, at times, many times a day. That I do for my own sake and because it is scriptural. You will be forgiven as you forgive. Really it is not so much to do with them. It hurts me to harbour resentment, it doesn’t hurt them. I recognise that both of them have serious mental health issues – this has been confirmed by professionals. To what degree they have a choice over their behaviours I don’t know, but I think it makes it a little easier for me to forgive them – though it is not entirely easy.
I accept that is how they are. Do I wish I had a mother and sister who were healthier? Of course, but I accept that they aren’t and even have a little compassion for them and their unhealthy ways- I doubt it is much fun being them.
Finally, I have much for which to be grateful, I am able to admire some things about my mother and sister, though the negatives far outweigh the positives. I have a few good memories and they help. I have to deal with the many more bad memories and PTSD. They are mine to deal with no matter what/who caused them. I own them.
All those things stop me from being eaten up. As for injustice – life is not fair, never was and never will be. I do not expect justice from this world, but am grateful when I find it. My youngest son was killed. The young man got off with self defense. Gordie, my son, did not lift a finger against his assaulter, and there were many witnesses to that. Just??? Not at all. I forgave the young man right away (before the trial). It is a choice.

It seems very likely that you will not be able to “fix” what is wrong between you and your sister, so then you are faced with the problem of living with it – leaving it be, letting go. Much of what is in this poem works for me, though I am cutting myself off, as I believe it is necessary for my protection, which affects some of the points

TO “LET GO” TAKES LOVE

To “let go” does not mean to stop caring,
it means I can’t do it for someone else.

To “let go” is not to cut myself off,
it is the realisation I can’t control another.

To “let go” is not to enable,
but to allow learning from natural consequences.

To “let go” is to admit powerlessness,
which means that the outcome is not in my hands.

To “let go” is not to try to change or blame another,
it is to make the most of myself.

To “let go” is not to care for,
but to care about.

To “let go” is not to fix,
but to be supportive.

To “let go” is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.

To “let go” is not to be in the middle, arranging the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their own destinies,

To “let go” is not to be protective,
but to permit another to face reality.

To “let go” is not to deny,
but to accept.

To “let go” is not to nag, scold, or argue,
but to search out my own shortcomings and to correct them.

To “let go” is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take every day as it comes, and to cherish myself in it.

To “let go” is not to criticize and regulate anybody,
but to try to become what I dream I can be.

To “let go” is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future.

To “let go” is to fear less and love more.

Much love to you and prayers for coming to terms with your sister and achieving a measure of peace over it. (((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))

Oh dear, up to nine phone calls now. Such craziness!

cm - that is hilarious - dog turd - thanks for the laugh, and also the olive branch concept. They may well think that. After all, being included in the "inner group| is a privilege. Burns strikes home again! Sounds like your sis's perceptions are a bit screwed - a little narcissistic? Also sounds like she was gaslighting. Mine is good at that.
Right now with mother it is emotional ping pong. "Yes I want to see you", whap "No, I don't want to see you" whap "Yes I want to see you if you will come and do such and such", whap "I really, really want you to come and also want you to do this and thus and so for me" whap "Please, please come and see me I NEED you so badly, sniff, sniff" whap "Mother needs you to come down,, she wants you to do this and that" whap. I am standing on the sidelines watching the ball go back and forth.
The rage and spleen stick in the memory because they are so crazy making and way out of proportion. You are like "What??????
Long post to you coming!

Emjo - it was in a completely different context, but the furniture removal bit (perhaps you could use your teeth..?) reminded me of a description I once read: "...as if he'd been asked if he would mind just holding this dog turd for a minute…"

I can't believe they asked. Did they think this was some sort of olive branch???
If I've got this right, the last conversation you had with your mother, she said, not you, that she didn't want to see you again. Hey! - you're only taking her word for it.

No. If they need help with anything weighing over 3 or 4 lbs, they can go out of doors, bat their eyelashes at a strapping young local teenager and give him some money for pizza or Grand Theft Auto or whatever currency they use these days. But I don't see why you should do their thinking for them as well.

Do you ever ask them, out of idle curiosity, "and why would I want to do that, do you think?" Oh God - I hope they're not imagining you're missing them terribly and pitying your heartbreak. Bet they are, though. "O wad some Power the giftie gie us…"

It came back to me the other day, that more than 20 years ago I did think it was all over and I would never have (to have) any further contact with my sister. The occasion was my niece's christening. We were looking forward to it. Come the morning, my 4 year old's cold had turned into 'flu and - surprise! - I'd caught it off her, temperature round about 102. Knowing sister would be busy preparing, I called my parents and asked them to make our apologies. Next thing she's on the 'phone: "I am never inviting you to anything ever again because you always do this!" Then she hung up on me.

Now then, here's where I went wrong, I see it now. I didn't call her back. I called my parents, in tears, and told them what had happened. Not only not fair on them, but - worse - ineffectual. Tsk. Missed me chance, didn't I? And, worse still, made her look bad to other people. She'd have taken it better if I'd driven round to her house and punched her in the face.

It feels a bit petty, remembering that after all this time, especially as we were in fact invited to my nephew's christening 2 years later, nobody was ill, we all went, and we had a lovely day. What a pity the rage and spleen and hurt are so much more vivid.

But that's the thing. She must know in her rational mind that I'm not setting out to ruin her plans (read: life). But in her core being she feels that I do. Nothing I can do will ever change that; so if I'm to have any peace of mind she'll just have be out of it, I'm afraid. So there we are again: how?

thx for clarifying, ju. You are quite right about the unhealthy motives and unhealthy means.. Letting go is hard and I am glad you did it with your bros. Yes, we all want it to work and we don't want to be estranged from our families, and do our darndest to make it work. I have been told over the years by several counsellors, to cut myself off from my family. It has been come a survival move for me now. it is just too stressful.
Agreed, too late to figure out now about your mum -you have been and are doing a great job with your mum and you are enjoying one another.

I think you getting a stethoscope is a great idea. Especially if it would save a round trip or two and give you some peace of mind. Sorry about your sinuses. I know how painful that is.

Having your dinner delivered must have been a treat. So nice of them. Sounds like you are having a decent day. Hope the sinuses improve! (((((((hugs))))))

Anyway Mom is OK i took her in yesterday to be sure...I talked with the NP about getting a stethoscope and learning how to listen for trouble in her lungs so i do not have to depend on someone or going 60 miles RT in the cold. He said it is very easy to learn and can go to YouTube to find videos to teach what to listen for, what sounds normal and what sounds like trouble. So i may do that!

I have had a terrible headache today all day for several days now actually off n on...think it is my sinuses from the cold. We were going to go to the Community center for a Turkey dinner we had been invited to Tuesday. I ran into someone at the store who is coordinating it. They said they could deliver it but i told them we wanted to come, she said she would call me the morning of to see if we were coming but delivered anyway at 11am so after we watched the parade and dog show we ate, the food was really good. I wanted to go to the center but it was very cold all morning for mom and this headache was making me uncomfortable!
Hope you all had a nice meal and good day!

Letting go is a difficult decision but nessecary one sometimes, i think with my whole family situation i would never have given up on my brothers till i was told by a social worker that i had too....... We all want it to work out don't we, no once wants to be estranged from their family but it was a survival tactic for me...somehow i knew i had to choose ma....i am glad i did as the challenges build over the last 10 ys i would not have made it with them in tow!!!
My mom was not always as sweet as she is now....maybe that is why i appreciate it so. but pre dementia she had quite the issues and we were never terribly close! I would not say she was narcissistic or sociopath, she was not intentionally manipulative but there was something not right, dad i know what he was diagnosed with but not sure what mom's problem was. I think depression and ???? It is all tooo late now to figure out!

Joan,
I did not mean to convey i thought they wanted you there for healthy reasons or the pleasure of your company, but that is the norm for them and even in trying to get you there they could not be sincere or honest, which only confirms the manipulations and control tactics and other issues that you have suffered thru!

Margeaux – I see you have similar experiences. Much of that is personality differences, I think. I read the other day that introverts need time to deal with changes. I am like that. G is an extrovert does not need that, and also men tend to not communicate in the same way as women, or see the need for it. I can believe that you used to go along with the last minute things. I truly think that they don’t know that they are being inconsiderate, but once you have told them a few times, I think it is reasonable to expect some consideration. I agree about the airport thing – he can get the shuttle. And I would not even try to get familiar with Skype at the last minutes –too much. Good for you. I was talking with a girlfriend the other day, and I also know it from personal experience and from being in a safety council that women’s depth perception gets worse in middle age. That makes night driving harder. Talk about the wrong turn off. Our roads are undergoing many changes, over passes and a new bridge being built etc., and this has been going on for over a year now. I don’t go downtown that often anymore as the traffic is crazy and you never know which lane is going where, what part of the road is blocked off etc. Well, I had to go downtown yesterday, and despite being confused by the signs at one point I got to where I needed to with no side trips. Coming back was another matter. I took a left lane as usual, but I should have been in one of the right lanes. There was no sign until it was too late to change as there was a concrete divider by that point. So I was taking the highway out to the plants and hoping to recognize a turn off somewhere. Thankfully I had been on the first turn off before and managed to get turned around and eventually back on my usual route. But it was not comfortable.

How generous of you to bring a dish to the orphans. It is a very appropriate way to spend TG. Your yams sound good – I like them, and spicy appeals to me too

Sister detachment seems to be in the air. If she is giving up some control that would be great. Quiet weekend here. I made a dish of left over frozen turkey and it will do me fine. G says his ribs are less painful and not moving around as much. Quiet days at the meeting have done him good. I am relieved. He is off the Percocet, still coughing a bit, but it is not as painful and his voice sounds better.

Thanks Margeaux and hope you have a great holiday. ((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))

cm - still thinking abut your question...

ju - yes they want me there - for what I will do for them and for the attention it gives them and that they will see it as winning, but not for an "honest" visit with me. My sis is beginning to see how much work is involved in moving mother and dealing with her paranoid concerns, and wants me to come down and take over. sad1 was right about the saviour complex -swoop in, make a big impression and disappear.Have no illusions that she is a warm person, or really has any normal feelings towards me. She has sociopathic tendencies. The phone calls are unhealthy and the reasons they want to see me are unhealthy. They are both narcissists. When I was down there a couple of weeks ago mother refused to see me. I called her yesterday and said I would like to come down and visit and she said she didn't want to see me, Then I get the abusive phone call from my sis, and then these ones today – up to 8 now. I have absolutely no confidence that if I did go down she would not change her mind again, not want to see me, and be pleased that she had caused me inconvenience. It is all about control, and if you have not lived with a narcissist it is very hard to understand. Your mum sounds like a sweetie, and you and she are fortunate to have one another.
My sis fits these characteristics of sociopaths: there were 14 on the list. She fits 11.
Disregard for rights of others
Considerable superficial charm
Above average intelligence
Incredible glibness
Inflated sense of self that convinces a sociopath that whatever he does is his right.
Cunning and manipulative
Lack of empathy.
Failure to relate emotionally.
Lack of remorse or shame. They view everyone around them as objects and opportunity to achieve their goals. Hence sociopaths keep violating other’s rights without any guilt.
Pathologically ego centric and self centered.

Ju - my sister took her own children to court and won family money from them that they had been given by their aunt (dad’s sister), and also disinherited her son. She is not a nice person. And you can’t trust her. Mother is mentally ill with a personality disorder- diagnosed by 2 psychiatrists now.
How is your mum – hope she is getting better. Thank you for your concern. I understand your train of thought and have thought that way myself before, only to get kicked in the teeth again. ((((((((hugs))))))))
Sharyn I know you understand - only too well. yes, I am the target - again and whatever bad happens will be my fault. I have a very long tether, but have reached the end of it. it has taken a long time. As far as the furniture is concerned, I am sure the ALF staff is moving mother's stuff as they are having to do repairs due to a flood from above. It is their responsibility. Mum and sis are in the middle of a huge self created narcissistic drama. I am feeling more and more comfortable with breaking away. One thing that is coming to me is now I am freer to pursue healthy relationships - like with my sis's son and family. They are delightful. He understands his mother very well. She has been horrible to him and especially to his wife. Thank you for your support, Our roads have been very close. I know mother is well looked after which is the main thing. I am not needed for that, ((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))

snowing gently here - but not too cold - about 21F

Joan~I am so sorry you are having to deal with this. I also would cut off my relationship with them. The PTSD and all the emotional pain from the past comes back so quickly that it consumes us. Your mother is in all her glory right now and your sis is feeling like she is doing something great because you are the target. You sound like me, when I reached the end of trying to work out a situation with people, I cut them off...end of relationship.

It still amazes me how people like your sister and mine will join forces in a situation because they thrive on the excitement of conflict and drama. They really believe they are doing something good for the person they are enabling. Your mom and sister are on a "HIGH" right now, do not accept anymore calls from them and erase any messages they leave so you don't have to listen to the barrage of garbage they leave. If anything, tell your sister to hire a moving crew at mom's expense and be done with it.

I feel the same way with my sister about being able to detach. Sometimes certain relationships require an ending. Take some deep breaths, quiet the negative thoughts...You have done everything you can do. You have gone beyond...You have been a wonderful daughter to your mother. Take this time to do what you need to do for YOUR life. We are here to support you in all of it!!

{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}!!
Sharyn

Joan,
I wonder as I read your post if they really want you to be there but are unable to actually say that so they use the moving as a reason, still not healthy but ?????

First of all Happy Thanksgiving to my American friends. God bless you and others from other locations. We celebrate Thanksgiving in October

Unbelievable. This morning sis called again, as sweet as honey, and said that mother says it would be very helpful if I would come down and help move mother’s furniture into storage while they do repairs on her suite. I am 76 yr. old, I have only one good hand and the shoulder on that side is getting worse and worse, particularly after moving mother before. I have already told them that and that I cannot move things. But that is totally ignored. Obviously Mother will see me if I am useful to her.

Up to 7 phone calls now – from sis and mother ranging from sweet as pie to begging and pleading. It is all a big dramafest to be the center of attention. I suspect from here, when they find out I will not jump and ask how high on the way up, there will be recriminations again. What’s new? All trying to push my buttons using fear, obligation and guilt - FOG so I will do what they want.

Sharyn – it is pretty predictable. This kind of thing has been going on all my life. You say you cannot blame me for not wanting to continue. It has gone past that for me. I have never wanted to do this, and now have come to a point where I cannot. The emotional/verbal abuse has gone on too long. I can’t continue to subject myself to it any more. Something inside me has changed. I remember reading in the book by Karen McBride “Will I ever be good enough”, that if you have tried to bring about changes in the relationship and there has been no response that the answer may be to break contact” - or words to that effect. I did not think it would come to that. I thought I could detach and carry on, but as my oldest son said during a long conversation last night “You are human and have feelings”. I do and being treated like this does hurt, and you are right, it triggers off memories from past ugly episodes. Indeed, mother will turn on my sis at some point too – it is inevitable. The leopard does not change its spots. My sis, like yours, is still trying to get mother’s approval, and maybe more than that is trying to get all her estate. Frankly, as far as I am concerned, there is not enough money in the world to make it worthwhile for me to put up with this.

cm – I will address you in a separate post. I think it merits it.

Glad - you got it! There comes a point when it is too much. Some invisible but very important boundary has been crossed. I am so glad your mum and high school sweetheart found one another. That is a touching story. It warms my heart when anyone has a good relationship with their mother. Something, due to her mental illness, I will never have with my mother.

Rudster – welcome. I am surprised that come on a dysfunctional family thread and wonder why we find negatives. Yes, there are always those who have it worse, but that does not deny the pain any one of us is going through in our particular situation. Here we encourage people to vent if they need to, and to share their problems, for which we give them support.

Margeaux - I can identify much with what you write. I will post about that separately too.

Ju –hope you are having a good day and that you have nipped the infection your mum has in the bud!

I have much to be thankful for, and also some messes to deal with. It is called life.

Love and hugs

Wishing everyone a Happy Thanksgiving!!!

Emjo,

I completely can relate with last minute changes, especially where there's preparation involved. My husband is this way. Two weeks ago, he tells me, "We're invited to a party." I asked, "When is it?" He tells me, "In an hour."
I used to, if you can believe it, go along w/this kind of plan many years ago, just to be flexible with him. But after knowing how my husband operates, I don't accomodate this kind of lack of consideration anymore. Besides in my case, I've noticed too, that he operates on a whim, too much for my taste. Also, at times he's not told me about invitations that actually I wish I'd known about, because he doesn't find them that appealing, nor interesting.

Speaking of the husband......he got a job out of the country and flew out on the 27th. He was flying out of a very busy airport, during one of the worst travel periods of the year. His flight was at 1:40 a.m., which meant he had to be at the airport at about 10:00, for the security and baggage check in.

Well, he informs me that day that we'd go in my car. So aside from last minute things I was still helping him with packing and what not....now, I had to stress about looking at some of my oils in the car, and gas up. Later that day, he tells me that maybe I should create a Skype account, so that we could communicate via this manner while he's away. By now, I was losing my patience w/him, and trying to avoid a fight before he left town. It doesn't sound like a lot, but one has to sit down and think of a user name, and a password. I just didn't have the where with all to do this that day, aside from everything else I was stressing about, not to mention I was going to have to drive him at night into that crazy airport. Well, when I came up w/user name, then he started to tell me, that wasn't a good one. I got up from the computer, and told him, I really didn't feel like doing this, and I didn't have time.

Later, I came to discover, we couldn't go in my car, probably needs servicing.
I took him that evening, and on the way home, I missed the lane on the highway which would get me back home. Now I had to do a manuever coming back towards the airport, and I almost got completely lost in an unknown area. This was somewhat scary for me. So in the future, if he flies at these hours......he's going to have to take a shuttle. Drop off & pick ups are fine during daylight hours, but I'm not good at night time. Needless to say, I was so glad to arrive home.

I'm spending my Thanksgiving very locally. We've a friend who has TG, for orphans. It's a group of people who come together, friends. Many are immigrants, or have no family here. He has a guy fry up many turkeys. One year they did about 18. Everyone brings potluck, too, so there's non-stop food.
I've decided to make some yams, but not sweet ones. I'm mixing it up w/celery,
garlic, possibly a bit of spicy. I'm not a fan of that mashed up marshmallow variety.

Wow, I really feel detached from my sister right now. She called me Sun., but we didn't really have a big conversation, I don't even know what her plans are for the TG. I think this is a good thing too, going in both directions. I hope she's detaching from the idea, that she needs to always be concerned what everybody in our family is doing on holidays, thus ending up in her control. She really needs to be more autonomous, and not so clingy.

Well, I wish you a very Happy Thanksgiving, and the best for G's recovery from his injury.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Glad - more power to your mother and stepfather! Their story makes me happy. x

As like everyday I ask for help and I ask for help for others and I do this best I can for what I have to use to get through the day. I try and not take everything likes its a matter of life and death since it usually isn't but we can do that but anyway look around and I promise u there will be others that have less then or worse off the u are and then u can count your blessings since we all have them but it seems people in our situation don't look for positive only negative so Happy Bird day to all the care givers in the world, we are stronger then most for a reason and that's why we do what we do!

CM-
one day your sister will do something that will cause you to throw up your hands, thinking this time she has gone too far. First happened with one sister, then the other. I am very well practiced in being attacked with vindictiveness and spite. Nothing they do phases me any longer. I have been caring for mom for more than two years now, nothing surprises me from them. Sure in the beginning it was hard, but the more I was attacked, the stronger I became. I now think that they planned these attacks to try to get me to turn tail and run. Unbelievable!

Spoiled brats they are with an incredible sense of entitlement. I do not need to spend my energy on such negativity and increased stress in my life. My energy and compassion is reserved for my mom and husband of 7 years! And I am especially thankful for him, had they not come back together after 70 years (they were high school sweethearts) mom would have been in a facility 5 or 6 years ago.

Emjo, help me with this. I regret that I'm not friends with my sister. I also endlessly remind myself that all I have to do for her attitude to me not to bother me is… not let it bother me. How? How, do you set about not caring?

She's got reasons for hating me. The reasons aren't my fault, but they're not exactly hers either. She hates me because I was born and she's been finding fault with me ever since. I hate her because she's such a bitch to me, even though I can see she has other admirable qualities. I don't think we'll ever cure it; we've never yet so much as addressed it. How do I just leave it be?

I admire your matter-of-fact approach to your sister. How do you avoid getting eaten up by the injustice of her and your mother's attitude?

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone!! I hope your day is enjoyable with family and friends.

Thankful for everyone here,
Sharyn

Sad1~I am so happy to hear your visit with your mom went better. You are getting good at setting boundaries!

Joan~{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}!!! Wow, you have nailed it on the head...knowing this was coming!! I can't blame you for not wanting to continue being POA and EPA. Too much stress that gets piled up on top of old hurts and then the PTSD kicks in too. My sister, for a short time...was taking mom's side on arguments mom and I got into. The reason she took mom's side...because mom had given us copies of the DPOA and sis felt she had to be completely loyal to mom since she was primary. Sis and I got into several fights over it with sis telling me, "oh let mom be, she is old." Then mom and sis got into a huge fight...sis calls me crying....all I could say was, "I told you she would turn on you." I can relate so well what you are going through, you have to do what is best for you. Prayers being sent up for you!!
Love and hugs,
Sharyn

Thanks sad1 -yes it has been this way all my life. I get given the jobs to do and sis and mother gang up and criticize/ostracize me, One time during one of these episodes, they walked past me in the street and refused to acknowledge me, It is pretty sick The last couple of times mother moved, sis did zip - nothing. This is really the first time she has gotten involved in doing anything, over all the years, but she feels free to tell me that I am doing and have done nothing, or not enough. My earliest memories are preschool, of mother swooping down on me for something I had supposedly done wrong, and sis -who started it - standing by the side smiling. All I had been doing was playing with my toys. I remember it so clearly. I have emailed the lawyer about being removed from POA and EPA. Sis and mother are working on moving mother to another ALF. I have moved her 2x already in 4 years. I have said I will not help with another move and in my view it will solve nothing. As EPA it is my job to make that decision. It is being ignored. I consulted with mother's case worker and she agrees that mother is getting as good care as she will get anywhere. So if sis wants to move her - fine, she can be POA and EPA. I wash my hands of it all. Like your mum they both feel they can act however they want and be nasty and there will be no repercussions. I cannot go along with that. It is too stressful for me, This has been coming for a long time. Thank you for the hugs and prayers,

OMG Joan - that is horrible of your sister. I would absolutely allow her to be the primary POA and be done with the situation. Sounds like your sister is the savior type - swoops in and saves the day - and in a flash - she will be gone again. Was the dynamics of your family always like this? So sorry - and hugs and prayers to you!!

Sharyn, I could almost hope for Alz, but not quite. I don't think it is horrible to say. It is something to be thankful for even though you would not wish it on anyone. Sorry you are losing a good co worker, glad she is getting what she wants.
thx Austin - G and I can talk most things out He is a peacemaker which is such a nice change in my life. We had no conflict on the first couple of years we were together. Glad you will have a nice Thanksgiving with your man. 4 inches of rain is a lot!!!
Well, I got a phone call from my sis tonight who has ended up accusing me of not putting her high enough on my list of priorities, and of not doing anything for mother this summer. She felt that I should have been available when she came over. I told her that she booked her ticket over without finding out if I would be available. She was feeling sorry for herself as she has done a couple of things for mother and is getting a cold because it is a lot of work. I said I knew what it was like as I did a lot this summer. She asked me what I did this summer. I said I sent her many emails detailing what I had done this summer. She brushed that off and said that I did nothing about moving mother to this new place. I said that mother had decided to stay put at that time and I have already moved mother twice, in 4 years. But apparently doesn’t count. Mother has told sis that the director of the ALF has done something to mother’s credit card and sis believes her and says it is dreadful what they do to old people. They are going to the bank to sort it out! I said mother has been diagnosed with paranoia, as well as the BPD and narcissism Then sis started asking if I could justify how often I had visited mother, and I said I was not about to try to justify anything, and as mother would not see me the last 2 times I tried, perhaps it is better for sis to be POA. Of course she backed down then. But I have made a decision and will contact mother's lawyer in the morning about me dropping POA. Sis is on the document as back up. This is too much. Sis has switched from being nice to being nasty - I knew it would happen eventually, and I rather suspect her daughter will get nasty too as she did at one point in the summer. I will not be a pawn in their sick games any more.
I called my pastor and her first reaction, before I even got it all out, was that I should get out of it and let it all go.
I looked at it and thought “What am I losing?” Certainly not love. There has been no love from those two all my life, just trouble and accusations. So I will email mother’s lawyer and find out what I have to do to be released from being POA. If need be, I am sure the specialist and my latest counsellor will provide appropriate statements.
The thing I regret most is that my mother and my sister do not know me at all. They make an image of me that suits their purposes, and that is who I am to them. But I cannot change that.
Before this happened, I went for lunch with a friend and we shared and laughed. On the way there I was asking God if I was supposed to be in the middle of this. and my strong impression is “NO”. It certainly is an ungodly mess.
Prayers would be appreciated. Love and hugs to all

Joan good for you sticking to your guns with both your mom and G-I am so thankful to not have the drama of the husband and my honey is so easy to get along with-we agree on most things and if need be we talk it out -he had enough drama from his late wife. I am planning a nice meal tomarrow-he did not get to have Thanksgiving at home because the wife did not like to cook. I have been cleaning for two days and have the muffins and rolls done-have wood in for the wood stove and wine ready for tonight-a simple supper -now I enjoy cooking-hated it with the husband. We had 4 inchs of rain the last 24 hrs. and the wind may keep the balloons lower for the Macy parade .

Countrymouse~Your ex mil sounds like a classic case of PD. I suspect my mil was as well. Mine was loving too. Glad you can keep a good distance from her now.

Joan~ Your mother sounds so much like my mother up until the Alzheimer's took over. I guess I can say (but it sounds horrible to say it), the Alz has been a good thing in regards to my relationship with my mother. My mom ruined many get togethers with her complaining...my daughter's graduation from college, my nephews wedding..on and on. With my nephews wedding, she wasn't paying for it but all she did was complain about how much money the brides parents spent, it must be nice to have that kind of money,etc. I always wondered why these things bother my mom when it is not her money, not her business. She does complain when we visit...her eyes are blurry, she wants to go home but she has never complained about the caregivers. Now...my sister is the one who really gets me angry when we are together with mom because she is always making snide remarks to mom, negative talk about the past...fortunately mom does not pick up on it.

One of our co-workers is leaving...transferred to another store and being placed back as a checker (which she has wanted for a long time) plus she is promoted to Key Carrier. We will miss her, she is such a great person but happy she is getting to be where she wants instead of bakery/deli which she absolutely hates. It was her choice to go into bakery/deli but once there, she found she hated the work.

Gotta go get ready for this busy day, then off for 2 days!!

cm - yes, unbelievable but only one example of what I have lived with all my life. At times like this, I look up BPD and narcissism on the internet and feel better when I read the symptoms. They fit her like a glove! Sis is another can of worms and according to a psychiatrist who saw all three of us, the one to be most concerned about. Mother is at least up front with her craziness, sis is underhanded.
I could see it coming when you started the birthday and wedding anniv. story. The universe must revolve around them. Three years, eh? I could only wish for such peace. Mother had to have my first wedding organized around her, and the colour scheme to what suited her.

one of these days... and then??? Not sure I would want to be around when that happens. Your ex mil is a classic narcissist. You are fortunate she is a loving, even if trying, grandmother. My mother hasn't managed the loving part, but she does the trying part very well.

I don't harbour revenge. I just want to have a decently peaceful, sane life. She has enough troubles without me adding any, BUT, I am coming closer and closer to giving up POA. That is not revenge, just for my health and survival. My sis is back up - let them hassle it out together. I will keep being Executor. It may keep sis away from whatever is left from mother's estate. In any case, I can live decently without any of it, but the grandkids should have their share.

G's dad nearly killed himself before he stopped driving a truck that was way too big for him to handle at a frail 85. The tire blew, he ended up in the ditch, pacemaker got whacked, heart rate went over 200 for days on end, they thought it was "lights out", but the old bugger recovered and now, at least, only drives the car, though we question if he should be doing even that. So if G follows suit, he will need a more serious injury, before he changes his ways, or this injury will have to get more serious. I do not look forward to that. Meeting him in E'ton for a short while. It is a ruse to keep him from the horses for one more day's healing and for us to spend a little together. I have lots of "me" time. Going out for lunch with a friend today whose common greeting re mother is "How the old bat doing?" Very appropriate. We laugh a lot when we get together. She has an outrageous sense of humor which suits me well.

twentanon - happy thanksgiving to you - sounds like you had some peace -awesome! I am glad you found us too!

sad - so happy to see you posting again. Sounds like you handled the visit to your mum well, and maintained some boundaries. Nooooooo to the cell phone. absolutely NO! Happy Thanksgiving to you too.

Time to get "gussied up" and sashay out to lunch. If the car doesn't start, I may have a hissy fit in the driveway, that the neighbours on the next block will hear ;)

Feels good to vent. Love and hugs

Hi all - again trying to catch up reading these posts - been gone from it for a few weeks. Hopefully cmag is still reading - so glad for you that you are able to move forward and I second (or third) thank you for starting this discussion - it has been life changing for me in a good way and I appreciate everyone here!
I went to see my mother - first time since the dentist issue where I was verbally abused for about an hour - that was in Sept - the visit went ok - I did have to start to leave a few times - she got demanding about having a cell phone - because everyone else has one. She wouldn't change the conversation - and when she did she started in accusing me of spending all her money. I packed up my things and started to walk out and she backed off. The next day I brought her a sandwich and she was dressed in a shirt I bought her and she was very nice - so it was a good note to leave on for a few weeks. Keeps handing me tho newspaper clippings for cemeteries -
I mentioned to the staff she wants a cell phone and they all look terrified! When she was in rehab a few years ago and she needed help to the toilet - when she pushed the button for someone to help her - if they didn't come fast enough she called 911. She did that about 3 times! This was before the stroke too! Where she is now - she called the Obudsmen to complain about the food. Yeah - no phone for her.
I am going to try to catch up on the posts - but in case I don't make it thorough them to see how all,of your lives are going - I hope everyone has a stress free, drama free happy Thanksgiving. Love to all!

Had my Thanksgiving early last Sunday,
dysf.sibs free, no one caught on,
and our 86 year old will be gone for 48 hrs,
sharing a Thankgiving with them.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING TO ALL,

I AM SO GLAD AND GRATEFUL
I FOUND ALL OF YOU
DURING WINTER BREAK LAST YEAR