notrydoyoda Posted January 2012
The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?
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My ex ma-in-law is - how would we say? - a little solipsistic. I'm being polite. Since I divorced in 1995 she can't touch me any more so I normally find it easy to go easy on her; and she's a loving, if trying, grandmother to my kids. So. Let her do her thing, yes?
Ah ha. Mainly, this worked well. Then the year came when my son turned 21. We're a conservative kind of family, 21 is a big deal. His birthday was on the Saturday. And, as every year, my outlaws' wedding anniversary was on the following day. And that year it was their Golden Wedding. Also a very big deal, I agree.
OhnononononononoNO. Ain't nobody going to be sharing her limelight. My ma-in-law decided that a Sunday celebration did not suit her at all, she needed everyone to come to her party spread over the entire weekend - including my darling boy.
She announced this six months in advance. When I caught wind of her plans, I thought to myself: "I. don't. think. so." And narrowed my eyes.
I think she was expecting trouble; she picked her moment to get me onside by approaching me in front of the family and graciously, nay warmly, offering to invite my widowed mother to one of the events (we'd had frank exchanges of views about this point on other occasions - she was fine inviting my parents when my charming dad was alive, but she didn't like dull little old widow ladies cluttering up her glamorous ambience. I thought: "Madam, one day you will be old and on your own, and then you will see how you like being left off the guest list."). Honest, I did not say boo to this goose. All I did was open my mouth and say: "Well, there is a bit of a prob-."
She turned on her heel, left the room and didn't speak to me for three years. Most peaceful three years of my adult life so far.
So. Now she is old, and on her own. And I feel sorry for her, and it's easy for me to let her carry on doing her thing. But one of these days she will slap my sister-in-law's face (again) when I am looking, or slander her paid caregiver in her and my presence (again), or throw her toys out of the pram (again) in an NHS hospital with the exclamation "We're not paupers!" and then..? The day will dawn when I won't be answerable.
What dreams of your revenge do you harbour? But you're a kinder and better woman than I. More power to your karma.
Sorry G won't see sense - hope nothing happens to make him! Make the most of your me time x
Update - my sis is not answering the phone, but I did just get a hold of mother and she doesn't want to see me again - told me that, and to have fun, then she hung up! She cannot tolerate that she does not come first in my life, which I guess is part of the control issues. So be it. I have done what I can. It does hurt a bit, but I think more old hurt than present. All her life, mother's wants and needs have come first and others were to subjugate themselves to her. It has been hard.
Re G - yeah hard to get the point across. I think that he has to experience pain and difficulty for him to get it, and I am not sure that even this is enough. sigh. Just hoping and praying that eventually he does not get more seriously damaged.
Have a good day everyone. (((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
Sharyn - sorry to hear you have sciatica. It is very painful. Hope today, with all the extra stresses, goes well. Friday - ah, reminds me of a Rabbie Burns poem - "To a Mouse" : "The best laid schemes o' mice an' men / Gang aft agley." Scots for plans get scr*wed up. But it looks like you have things figured out.
I have been thinking about what you wrote re mother and sis and connecting with them vs the PD brush off. Honestly, the PD brush off is preferable to the PD raging, complaining and insults. I have no illusions that a visit with mother would go smoothly. And the more contact I have with sis the more opportunity she has to stick the knife in me - sooner or later. Your little outing with your mum went so well. If I tried the same with mine, and I have, she complains about the health care system the ALF management, home care, people who she perceives have "done her wrong" years ago and so on. It is not pleasant and is a strain to be with her. Gordie and I took her to Banff about 10 years ago as she wanted to revisit it. She complained non stop the whole trip. It was awful and I swore I would never so it again. This is not old age, but how she has been always. I don't know if I even find all these games frustrating anymore - just tiresome. I am detaching more and more. I know they will not change, and I do want to survive. I suspect the real reason my mother doesn't want to see me is that I have activated the POA. She is, as are narcissists and BPDs in general, a huge control freak. She has made her own decisions, for better or for worse, all her life. She has also forced her decisions on others at times. Now, I think, she is aware that she needs me and the POA activated, as she realises that she is declining. But, that does not mean she likes it. The old "no good deed goes unpunished." adage applies here. So, her anger at her decline and need to give up some control is coming out at me, added to the anger she has had at me since birth. Once more - or still - I am the villain and she is the victim. Whatever! I understand that having someone else in control of any of her business - even if only on paper at this point - is tremendously hard for her to swallow. Her refusing to see me and then dictating that she would see me when she knew I was not available is all part of exercising some control over me, in retaliation. I have seen her do that before Mother is very vengeful.
So I will be "punished" for exercising the POA that she wants me to have. The old lose-lose situation, you can't win, and I don't even try to. I just figure out what I think is best, all around and go from there. I know mother is thinking that at her age that any visit could be the last one and that is not unrealistic. I know that she (or part of her anyway) would like to see both me and my sister together. That is natural. I was not going to change my plans with G for that reason, but as things have happened, I can oblige to the degree that I can. So I will go down there for a few days, do my best to get into contact, and see them if it works out. That is all I can do.
If you want to see it, google these words: Freaky the Scary Snowman strikes fear in Boston | Daily Buzz ...
The sciatic nerve on the right side is acting up which is causing the leg and lower back pain, but I made it through the day. Tomorrow is going to a busy busy day...and customer's tend to be grumpy with the last minute rush expecting us to perform miracles for them...we just do our very best and hope for a smile and a thank you.
It turns out on Friday, instead of getting things done here at home like getting the Christmas tree up, we will be decorating mom's new room. They are not going to give us an leeway because once we decorate the room, we have to pay for it which means we will have to move mom's furniture over the next day or pay for 2 rooms. I haven't heard back from sis as to whether our nephew can move the furniture on Saturday. The communities maintenance man is off on Friday/Saturday, it will be on us to see that it is done. We decided to take mom out for a brunch on Saturday while the furniture is being moved ( a bed, dresser, end table and a lamp). Sis and I can move over everything from her closet and bathroom when we bring mom back. Another rush job...
Joan I do hope you can connect with your mom and sis while in E'ton. I hope they are not giving you the brush off because of the PD issues, very frustrating!! Just arrange, if you can, for G to rest...easier said than done when dealing very independent people.
Blessings and Hugs to everyone!!
maybe mother does not want to see me - again. Who knows?
I have been wondering where some of the others are too.
Sharyn you sound very organized about the meal - and other things. Look after those aches and pains
twentanon - so glad it went off well. That is great!!!
marg - Glad u like my little poem
ju - let us know if you got to the AA meeting and if you are putting up some of those decorations. I have some outdoor lights to give away as we are not using them
Time to pack it in for today. Can't say I have done much, shopping, cooking sweeping - the usual.
\love and hugs to everyone
margeaux - I needed to make the point that I cannot manage very last minute changes, especially without adequate communication. I know that the rib healing will take weeks, and he has not been taking the rest he needs and worse he has been shovelling snow, driving long long hours and doing other farm type work. I guess he got away with it when he was younger, but there comes a time... Took my grandson home today after feeling him a good meal which he appreciated
Dropped by my daughter's and heard about the young ones' school reports, They are doing very well - always nice to hear. I told them I was proud of them.
Since I will go south for a couple of days, I tried calling my sis at her hotel. and mother and her ALF, but no answers. In fact, I called my sis twice on Sunday, but no answer, Considering that I will be down there when she is there I feel I should (hate that word) meet with them, but who knows, maybe mother does not wan
thx ju - I talked with him tonight and he comes off the Percocet tomorrow so that will tell more. He says he has had broken ribs before but not like this as the bones are still moving out of place when he breathes deep -and you have to breathe deep to avoid pneumonia. He also is having trouble sleeping as due to other injuries, in the past - broken neck etc he sleeps on his back, but that is painful now due to his ribs.
I will go to E'ton for a couple of days, when he flies back. It will keep him inactive a little longer. He needs rest to heal more than anything else and he had one more load of horses in that area to move to winter pasture. Aaaargh|! I could almost pray for a lightening bolt to strike about 100 or so of them down.
thx margeau - I need t makje the point
I'm wondering the same thing about StandingAlone.
my holiday went off without a hitch, from dysf.sib's.
We will go in to decorate mom's room this Friday. They will move her furniture over on the 1st. It is going to cost $400 more a month but it is still within her budget and well worth it for mom to have more privacy...they have ordered a lock for her door as well. The caregivers will have access with a universal coded key so will we.
I am cooking the tradition turkey dinner with all sides. I will be cooking less carbs, keeping it simple. I start the night before by peeling and cubing the potatoes...leave them in water so they don't turn brown. I get all the veggies ready, arranged on the stove in pots of water. It makes it easier on the day of so all I have to do is turn on the stove. I put the stuffing together the night before too, pre-moisten it and refrigerate it overnight. No stress on Thanksgiving or Christmas!
I am getting extra hours again this week as my co-worker who fell coming out of the freezer last week, is still on light duty all this week.My right knee is really protesting along with my lower back...using a lot of mineral ice with the heating pad...sucks getting older!!
Where are you, calling all cars!
Just wondering what is happening with you.
Miss you,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
That poem is wonderful! I rarely print anything from the computer, but this one I think I will.
Thank You,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
I'm really sorry to hear about your mom's fragile condition.
She really is delicate, since you said she broke some bones during the transfers from her wheelchair!
Yes, being so isolated must really be difficult also. One of my best girlfriends live about 75 miles from me. We do have phone contact more than actually seeing one another these days. But it's good you have a gf with whom you can talk to, every now and again.
Well, take out one of those tote bags, and do some kind of decorating.
I was having a very low day emotionally on Sat. By Sun., I felt a bit better.....and I pushed myself to do something different I'd never done. I finally baked a pie from scratch. I did it as an exercise, to improve my mood, and self esteem. Sometimes we have to push ourselves even in our lowest of moments to get out of the funk, if you know what I mean.
Anyway do whatever you feel you need to do, and don't forget about those hot showers, burn some of your favorite incense. I burn sage when I'm feeling this way, because it really has a calming effect and clears negative energy.
Your story was so cute about your mom saying what was it, "you're beautiful."
You are inside and out!
You and mom are in my thoughts!
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
Narcissists, and I'm sure from what I've learned about PD personalities,
they don't ever seem to stop and look at the bigger picture about anything, because they're too busy focusing on themselves.
I laughed, when I read about how she's basically feeling less than at her job.
It is too bad that she'd been making all those mistakes and was demoted, for sure. However, this is what happens in companies. Besides, your there because you need a job, and yes, the company needs you doing the work. But I look at this as an exchange. Really, the only people who have recognition are people in charge, or I guess professions that require lot's of study, or training.
In the beginning and the end, what you're sister is seeking is approval from outside, instead of doing the inner work. If and until she does that, she'll never be able to be content with herself, and start being authentically responsible for her choices in life. She'll continue to do the blame game.
This does seem like a bad place for your mom to have a room, by an exit.
Could get drafty also once the weather changes.
I've been taking a hiatus from my sister. The drama seemed endless in terms of her grandma wars. I still do not know what she's doing Thanksgiving, which in the past she was completely in control of by her choice. But I've decided that I'm worn out hearing her constant complaints, and dislike of this person, that person. Then knowing all this crap she wants for us to come join them for holidays amidst too much tension. It's Tues., and she called me late Sun. evening. So I have no clue what her plans are. But whatever they may be I'm not going to be part of them this year, thank you.
Well I'm very happy for you that you got Thanksgiving Day, and the day after off!
I'm sure your dinner will be absolutely wonderful.
Let us know what you're cooking, who knows maybe I'll try that black eyed peas recipe.
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
You made the right call about not meeting Gary.
My neighbor cracked her ribs some years ago. She wasn't taking care of it at first, since she's a very hyper person, and probably was the cause of this accident in the first place. She's was at that time in her mid-seventies. She still thinks she can climb on ladders. This is how she took that fall.
As I've written about her in the past, she drinks too much. I believe she was using her wine to mask the pain, plus several pain killers. As I remember it took well over a month maybe seven weeks before she was able to feel like she was really better. But it does take bed rest, or at least not doing the regular physical things one does.
Glad to hear that your grandson is visiting and helping you.
Take care, and now you can get other things done,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
Take care everyone!!!!
Peace,
Juju
It is always hard during holiday times when family is not near for us to spend time together. I have come up some ways to combat the sadness so it doesn't affect my over all "mood" of the holidays.
1) Make some special time for yourself for pampering...either get a paws/claws done,LOL!!, a hair cut and facial wax, a facial cleansing.
2) spend the day reading a good book, whatever works for you...such as raking leaves, pruning the garden, get lunch at your favorite restaurant. Cook a special dinner for your spouse...I find that if I give to someone else...something that makes them feel special, my mood lifts. I have always had a desire to help serve a Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner at a center for the homeless or a shelter for abused woman...someday I hope to make that happen.
3)Do little things to help another...a person holding up a sign "will work for food." Buy this person a deli sandwich, bottle of water and a dessert. When I worked at a Stockton store for 4 months, we had homeless people who hung out around the store waiting for hand outs of money. I would buy two of something from a fast food restaurant and give the other away. Of course some of these people want money for alcohol or drugs, but I gave them food instead. It was never turned down.
Reach out to those around you...you are not only helping them...but helping yourself too.
Just some thoughts..Hugs to everyone!!
Even if caregiver is not there before the meeting starts, go anyway. This meetings are open ended, never set times, as the people attending are caregivers and their schedules change each minute. It will not matter at all if you are late.
Growing is painful, but way better than staying in the same place.
ju - family betrayal is a very tough one and many here are going through it. I hope you do get out a bit. It would do you a world of good, It must be scary knowing how fragile your mum's bones are. I wouldn't say you are being too protective. You have had a couple of incidents and don't want any more. Certainly you don't have much independence in your circumstances. Hope you make it to the Alz support group. It could be a great resource for you.
Didn't sleep much last night so gotta try to catch up. Maybe I can relax now that I know G is OK, love and hugs to all
Well i did get online and find they have an Alz Assn Support group meeting once a month not to far from here and it is tomoro, I plan to attend if the CG can be here in time. she has some PT due to her injuries
K thanks ladies!!! Have a good day!
Juju
Joan~I am glad G sounds better. My hubby can be difficult when it comes to taking care of himself., especially when it comes to long term changes.
Cmag and Joan are right regarding getting bitter. Growing through painful experiences is very painful, but you will be happier when you reach the other side.
Take care everyone!!
re wild meat, since we are northern, it is common here.
I am so glad you are off for the holidays! yay! cookie platters sound like a good idea. Hope a room change for your mum works out well. Bowing out if there is too much stress is wise.
margeaux that is weird about "mother" on your aunt's casket - like, really weird!!!!
lastresort - how about feeling used? - having a child so it can care for you. All backwards. I am glad you will not put your g'son through what you went through. Keep firm. You have made good decisions. At some point your mum will not be able to stay in her home. it may take her doc or some other professional to tell her that. I know about the guilt trips - and being expected to put "family: (meaning mother) first in all things. Stay strong!
LEHaven - your sister gets a prize for being one of the worst. Ignoring the outbursts is good, The tooth fairy bears sound like a great idea. Maybe look for some anxiety lowering exercises on line.
cmag -glad to see you have not left us
Well, finally I got a hold of G on the phone, who was sitting in the airport. He did not get my email, and I did not get his last text. But my ticket was cancelled so we have credits that can be used. We talked and he got my point. I know texting is not reliable from the area he was in. So, use the phone!!! I was relieved to hear that he sounded better than yesterday, though his voice is still scratchy. I guess he will return right after the meetings.
Free time - he doesn't know the meaning of those words. In his family the men are very active to say the least. On one trip, we arrived at a city after a decently long plane ride, got into the room and he said "What are we going to do"?" I said I don't know what you are going to do, but I am going to have a hot bath and put my feet up. He went out and walked around many of the interest points of the small place, then we went out for supper and then he showed them to me. The way he is! :)
I will spend some time with my grandson who is here already to house sit. he will help me do some things around the house, and I have some social contacts to catch up on, the car needs a service, my thyroid need to be checked etc. and some old files and piles need sorting. The week will go quickly, but we will miss one another.
Hope he is OK and your plan works it self out to have a nice holiday and visit, even if the visit must be delayed!
Glad the woman is home Sharyn, very fortunate! Nice you got both days off!
The house does seem to cheer up with the decorations so that will be nice.
Can you believe I have collected over the years about 7 larger size totes full of Xmas decoration n supply....I don't even bring but a few of my fav things out any more...too much work for me every year I downsize seems....and this year if they don't get me some floors I just don't care, lol!!!
My ex-husband used to hunt a bit, deer n duck. I don't remember the venison, but they we would have get togethers and they would cook up some absolutely delicious duck, and make these wonderful sauces! yum yum!
Stay safe and warm to all this week and may your travels be safe!!!
Peace,
Juju
Here I am not asleep yet. G and I were supposed to be going east tomorrow morning.. He called this morning from the horses and didn't sound good, A colt kicked him a week ago and he has a couple of broken ribs and has been trying to carry on as if nothing happened, and he can't. Finally, he went to get some pain killers which he does not take easily. and is on Percocet, It has meant a change in flights both on the trip down and returning for him, This does not work well for me. We were going to rent a car and visit my cousin and do a few other things and I seriously wonder at the wisdom of him driving around the Toronto area while on Percocet. He should be taking pain killers so he can breath deep and avoid getting pneumonia apparently, and resting, He has had a cough the past few days. Not a good picture, Usually he looks after the big bags. I don't travel alone with the big one, but he may have difficulty with his own, without looking after mine, I heard about the changes by text about 10 pm tonight and that is too last minute for me. I tried to get a hold of him but he wasn't answering his cell phone, I left a message, sent a text and sent an email -finally saying it didn't make sense to me for me to go and for us to drive around and visit when he was not in great shape and on Percocet, so I told him to I wasn't going and to cancel my ticket. I will tell my cousin we can't make it this time. If he had called and talked with me earlier maybe I would feel better about it, and we could have worked something out, but as I see it, it makes no sense for me. Oh, these guys who figure it all out and expect you to follow along without any consultation!!! Doesn't work for me. Truthfully, I am a bit p*ssed off at the lack of communication. Oh well. Maybe the next one will go smoother. We had quite a few trips this year which worked well. The next one should be our holidays. Now I am in a bit of a bah humbug mood