The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

I am a widow and I was caretaker for both MIL and FIL. FIL died recently and I am glad. It sounds awful but he had tons of baggage, badly abused my husband when young etc etc. Even though he is dead, I am still angry at him for all the above and for the neglectful way he handled his estate. I'm having trouble letting go of the anger. Everybody is giving their condolences etc and saying how wonderful he was...........

I think we our AC family should share ideas to keep the craziness out of the holidays-me I am only sending cards to far away friends that I will not see during the holidays and only giving gifts to my kids and grandkids and my honey and my daughter's husband and making cookies for friends in nursing homes and AL's my gift to some who do not drive are to take them to see friends in nursing homes and using my spate time to make laperobs to donate to people I do not know to brighten up their life. I would love other ideas

Book- I understand what you are saying about the gifts tho....I remember one Xmas my then BF received some shirts from his mother (A very dysfunctional relationship-she walked away from her two sons n marriage when they were under 5yo, and never really had a relationship with him, they were raised by their dad 100%) anyway he was a big guy....6'5" 240+ and she had bought him some dress shirts from a discount outlet like Ross or Marshalls. He thanked her of course but when we got home he tossed them at me and sed go return these for me please....when I inquired why...he said they are way to small never will fit and if she even knew me she would know I have to get my dress shirts at the big n tall store, I saw that hurt n disappointment he felt.

I have to agree about gifting....I, many years ago became disgusted with the hype and commercialism of the holiday. I have never been to a black Friday sale and never want to...and they keep starting em earlier n earlier everyyear. I do buy gifts, mostly for the kids, but the adults I prefer to make something, like a nice cookie/treat tray etc..... and yes It is so stressful, getting together with the crazy family! Hotel is a great idea but It was a miracle to get thru the afternoon without a disturbance of some sort!

Margeaux, when i used to celebrate xmas, over 23 years ago, I loved xmas! I would go to the flea markets and buy stuff for the family. I knew what each sibling liked, and I bought accordingly. I gave my sis-in-law some very colorful glass wares in Unusual Shapes. And some very unique porcelain decorations when I was a teenager. Can you believe it, she still has it in her cabinet! That is like 30 years ago! I asked if she's willing to give me some of the stuff I bought for her xmas gifts, she said very emphatically NO! Wow, they are very pretty unique pieces.

As for my niece, I Knew that was all that she could afford. But also know how my other family is like, too. Imagine niece's $10 gift compared to those expensive $200-some digital games. I don't even know the names of those games. PS-something... My other teenage nieces thanked her and said how pretty the costume jewelry is. Atleast they were brought up to show appreciation.

Margeaux, you made me giggle when you said "expectations come into play." I am so bookish, when my ex-bf got me a red heart balloon, a box of chocolates and a rose for valentine, I was soooo disappointed. I smiled and thanked him. But I would soooo much have preferred books or costume jewelry. (Unfortunately, he was the jealous type. He kept trying to get me to tone down my attire. He would never buy me jewelry that would cause guys to look at me. Ha! I may have been timid but I wasn't going to go in public looking dowdy. sigh... we clashed a lot. Hence the "ex." )

Gee, whiz, Madeaa, and here I thought I was safe when I couldn't find my name in Spokeo! I made a mistake somewhere on my online orders, and I found my name. I traced it back to the website - and saw the teeny tiny print to "click" here for privacy. One down and one more to go. Sorry, I'm just so paranoid about having my private info displayed worldwide - just for the asking (for a fee.)

As for the holidays, we did our best to keep the "traditions" going. But, when you have a dysfunctional family, it does tend to "liven" up the place. Embarrassing when you have non-family there to witness it all. I just like the holidays for the food.

Hotels are great to stay in - instead of at the relative's home. You get up, have your morning cup of coffee before meeting the gang. Then you also have an excuse to leave the home to go back to the hotel. This way, you're not up all night talking.

Country Mouse, I tend to take my book every where I go. When the family starts to get "boring" as in "same old, same old", I pull out my book and just read. When they ask me a question (to choose who is right), I always give them this blank, distracted look. After they try to explain it to me several times (making sure I have a puzzled face), I say in frustration, "Whatever! I'm not listening, I'm reading my book."

Bookluvr,

Probably many people have felt different feelings about the gifts they've received.
It can provoke as in your case the gifts weren't the right ones, as in people don't really know who you are, hence they don't get a gift that is more in line with who you are. But this is also when the expectations come into play.

It's interesting also, that in families the whole idea about Christmas has become based upon some bogus status related to the gifts people exchange. How childish many people have become. This is not a nice attitude towards your niece, either.
At least she tries, even in her circumstances.
I used to get inexpensive gifts also for all my nieces and nephews when they were kids. I had eight of them, plus a few other people on my list back in those days, so that's what I could afford, and if they didn't like it, well tough! But this has always been something very superficial about the holidays that I no longer participate in.

I'm a believer that the thought does count for a lot, rather than the market value of the gift.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Sharynmarie,

This conversation you had with you sister about the dogs, I so don't like it when people use some small moment as here your mom was having a bit of fun, and now sister has to be a kill joy! It's too bad she can't look at this as, at least your mom can still have the endurance and it gives her some kind of fun away from the ALF.

My husband many times will make statements, not like this.....but in his line of work. If he's heard someone else got hired for his job, he says something like,
"Oh, they should have called me." I for some years never said anything to the contrary about these statements. But I have more recently, such as...."you should be grateful, for the opportunities you've been given," which he has. But do you notice that people who think like this, they'd rather look for the negative, such as they don't have, didn't get......it really amounts to they lack. So they become whiners! I so don't like it, when it starts to become too much of a pity party.
Draining!

I completely agree with Austin, that you stand your ground with her about her future. She's like my sister, a complete piece of work!

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

country mouse,

Thanks. One thing for sure, you can't adopt the role of peacemaker or messiah in a dysfunctional family to "fix it" or you will get crucified. The best you can do it to detach with love so that their emotions don't become your emotions. They might think you being strange by not getting out of control like they do, but you're the one being normal and modeling good, healthy emotional boundaries. Also, have some excuses for why you have to go somewhere for those emotional overload times and you just need a break. I like going for a walk or going back to the hotel room for a nap. Staying in a hotel when visiting relatives provides a safe place to escape, and tends to make a healthier visit than actually staying in their house.

Book there is no privacy anymore-when my mom died I was trying to locate her obit and I got into a site for a background checking what the heck. Shary make it very clear to your sis you will not take care of her also-you have more than your share to do now with your mom and hubby-let her kids jump in and help-stand your ground -you heart is big but enough is enough. Book I refuse to get crazy about Christmas give few gifts-just to kids and grandkids and my honey-Christ is the reason for the season-I do not even decorate-avoid the stores-send few cards and around here people gouble down thanksgiving dinner and hit the stores-some stores are closing on Thanksgiving around here and I will go to some of them and say thank you for being sane.

Hi Book, there are more website just like Spokeo, all you have to do is google a search for someone and you get a websites offering the information for a fee, i.e, Intelligus, zabasearch etc. It is public domain info they collect.

When I used to celebrate the holidays, I found it so disappointing, especially xmas. They never gave me the gifts that I wanted, or fitted for me and my interests. Think nerdy. think books (a gift certificate to the local bookstore would have been wonderful.) And there was definitely competition among the family on who got the most gifts, the best gifts, the expensive gifts, etc..... My niece - under the federal program - always scrounged up very cheap gifts for the kids. Needless to say, her gifts were not desired. She was so embarrassed to give it. I told her that it's the thought that counts (but in my head, I knew that it really wasn't.)

I just wanted to let you know that a client sent to us by email about a website called Spokeo. I typed in my name - nothing. I typed my 2 sisters and my brother's name and got hits. It showed their name, their home address, their age, phone number and even a Map of their House location! If you want more info, you can pay - and they will give you their marital status, occupation, and where they now and all their previous addresses. I even saw both of my sisters' property value! No Privacy! I strongly recommend that you all go to that website and see if your name is there. If it is, try to get the site to take it down. Dangerous to have all that info - a Map to your house!!!! If you're living by yourself! Dangerous.....

Cmagnum you are definitely not wrong there. And to add to the fun, some people like to clear the air with a blazing family row, while others can't bear conflict and suffer from the festering stress for months afterwards… i.e. until the next family gathering, when they bring it all back to add fuel to the flames.

Anybody got a solution to this?! Because the holidays are on their way...

gladimhere,

My theory is that Thanksgiving and Christmas are stressful times filled with many expectations plus family members gathering together.

Dysfunctional families do not handle stress very well just like a dysfunctional individual does not.

Heightened times of stress seems to bring out the worse or trigger the worse of dysfunctional family systems. I may be wrong, but this is what comes to mind in light of observing dysfunctional families over the years.

Why do the holidays have to expose even more dysfunction in our already dysfunctional families? Just fast forward to December 26, PLEASE!! Just skip through or hibernate through the next 5 weeks. Good night all!

Madeaa~Thank you!! I talked with sis about mom's situation, we are going to put mom on a list for next available room w/private bath not near an exit. We will go in and decorate it more homey for her before they move her. She won't let us decorate it because that makes it too permanent for her.

As far as sis's job goes, she has talked with the person next in line as the office manager is out until next week. This person told sis she is not aware of any plans regarding her. Sis is very stressed right now because she will be done with the 10 cartons next Tuesday. As far as how this affects me, I foresee my sister having to sell her house (health issues for her), and moving to Kentucky to be near her daughters for support. I can't take care of my sis...diabetic stage 4, and other health issues when I am taking care of mom,plus a husband who is diabetic and recently had a stroke. How this will effect mom's care, I don't know since sis is the primary on mom's DPOA and executor on her trust. Mom made no inclusions for her to be paid out her trust for the time spent taking care of her or otherwise. I do not want to deal with the financial end of mom's estate...I would hire a CPA or other to take care of that for me because I suck at paperwork. I can handle her medical issues with no problems...so far. I do believe the reason her employer demoted her is because she was no making lots of mistakes and very slow due to her health She admitted to me she was making mistakes. I have already told her I can't take care of her. Yes, as one door closes another opens and sis will have to accept her options. Hugs to you!!

Sharynmarie, I truly believe that when one door closes another opens, just trust that everything will work out for the best, it really usually does, it is our holding onto things, our expectations, that make us uncomfortable, embrace the change, can't get something new if you too busy holding onto the old. Acceptance is the answer to all of our problems, least that is what I have found, and I have been through more changes than carters got pills.

Well one worry to vent here....sis just told me she was told that the data entry she has been working on since Feb., there are only 10 cartons left...she is in a panic because there is another older woman (older than 65) that the company removed her from her position like they did my sister, putting her on data entry. Recently the transferred her to Stockton so she would not have to commute to Sacramento, and they reduced her hours to 20 a week. Sis will be 61 next month...I don't know what this means for her future, but I advised her to talk with the office manager about it. Ok, I am done!!

Mom got a hair cut, new eye brow pencils and sharpener, and poise pads so she is set to go...looking hot for 84!!

When we got back to the memory care unit, a woman was trying to leave through an exit door by mom's room. Two caregivers were holding onto her arms trying to redirect her attention (she was strong for an elderly lady), but with mom's door right there, she was kept trying to open it. Mom saw this and she started yelling at the woman, "Hey, that is not your room!" She started walking toward the woman. i stopped mom, telling her the woman is confused so lets go around the corner and let the caregivers get her calmed down, it will be ok. We went around the corner while they got the other woman calmed and back out to the main area of the unit. Mom told me they do this all the time trying to get in my room. I told her that the woman is just confused, she doesn't understand so let them handle it.

I am thinking that maybe it might be in mom's best interest to have her moved to another room that is not located by an exit. I don't know who much it may upset her to have her moved, but if she is not near an exit where other residents are trying to leave, she may not have to worry so much about her personal space. Mom is no longer wearing the watch alarm which means she is not trying to escape.

gmaandsam~ Hang in there!! With my family, sis thinks mom is more progressed than I do. Sis is always trying to say that mom is incontinent when she isn't. Mom uses poise pads for the leaky bladder issue all us woman encounter by middle age including my sis...the caregivers tell me she is not wetting herself or soiling herself. I see mom more often than sis does. Family members don't always see what is going on and they think they know better than us when we are there all the time or in my case 2-3 times a week...most weeks anyway.

cmag it was good to see you posting and hope you can continue with us-your insight is important to us.

my head is pounding, i feel that lump in my throat that i get when i'm stressed and as i sit here thinking about my sister and the convo we just had about gma i can feel my face starting to burn.

i've been trying to get in touch with my sister for over a week regarding gma's finances and she decides to call me back(finally) two hours before gma's doctor appt. asking questions, wanting explanations, expecting me to pull over on the side of the road because she needs answers?

i want to cry. i need to calm down.

when i told her gma said she didn't get her allowance(last week) she said "gma's full of shit". i'm so sick of hearing my family say these things. it pisses me off they don't understand.

GMA HAS DEMENTIA!! ITS PROGRESSING VERY FAST!
if any of my family would TAKE THE TIME to visit gma, call her, stop by or just take her out to lunch once in a while then MAYBE you'd understand!

i'm done venting(for now) thanks for listening every one & have a nice day.

Emjo,

That's a good idea you taking the Tylenol before your dental appointment. I'm glad that it went smoothly for you.

This is interesting that your sister feels tired....maybe it's the traveling.
Well hopefully this will work in you favor as to how inquisitive she becomes, and really difficult for you, concerning your mom. Yes, one does have to question the timing to your mom's visit to the hospital, but glad to hear she was sent back home.

I certainly can identify with your feeling of not getting too friendly with someone like her. My sister too, on the one hand....at times I feel that I talk w/her on the phone of course to see what's happening over at mother's. Then invariably she starts to tell me about what is happening in her world w/her own family, and then her boyfriend. But just about everything in that arena is so drama filled. She'll complain and complain...which begs for advice (I'm very discreet here), then she goes ahead and does exactly the opposite of what she's complaining about, or throws the bone in the soup. So it just for me adds up to, keep my distance.
When I spoke to her married daughter.....she even let me know that she at times has become my sister's therapist as it relates to problems w/sister's boyfriend, which I think is totally inappropriate. But my sister is guilty of trying too hard to be her girls friends, instead of a mother. My mom tried doing this, although not as often, because she was too busy pleasing her narcissistic sister. I had a nightmare about that one a day ago.

Your on to her though Emjo, and that's the best ingredient so we can detach.

Hugs, and hunkering down w/moose soup sounds good!
HAAH!

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Joan, glad the surgery went smoothly. Thanks for the kind words all. Yes, this has been a roller coaster year. I just hope to keep moving forward. I have a better attitude down deep but I am just so darn tired/burnt out from the 24/7 grind and entering the 10th year, where did the time go...(oh ya that was my caregiver coma I was in). I have so much work to do to make this effort not a total disaster to my life....After all this time I gave up to care for her. it is a scary scary feeling to know at any time It all can just disappear, I could end up homeless. and knowing it is because I didn't know what I was getting into...how emotionally difficult this job is....how burnout and depression come with it...
I mean watching your loved one slowly check out...10 ys now, it is a cruel cruel disease and a sad solomn job! I have sacrificed my whole life just to keep her comfortable....but in the end whenever that may be,what will I have left?????

ok sorry.....just hope I can get us thru this mess, hope it is not too late.

have a good day everyone....
oh book, I saw that joe boxer commercial last nite on TV.....funny!

Peace,
Juju

Gulp. Poor old moose. Is there any hope that that could be soup for mooses, rather than…? Lichen flavour with a moss garnish, perhaps? x

Emjo, MOOSE SOUP?! Never heard of that, must be a regional dish?

I'm just idly picturing anyone in the UK hearing it suggested that they should carry on as normal if the temperature fell to -17. A country where snow-guards on train engines can't cope if we get "the wrong sort of snow." (No, really, that was verbatim the excuse the train company's PR man came up with). A country where falling leaves take everyone by surprise every autumn, and the transport infrastructure grinds to a halt with the first light frost. Where, predictably, the snow-clearing lorries get stuck in drifts and have to be rescued by farmers. Where, after a prolonged dry spell, the government finally got round to declaring an official drought on the very day that the government's newly appointed special minister for drought made his announcement to camera, with a perfectly straight face, standing under an umbrella in the pouring rain. The stereotype that English people talk about nothing but the weather is true, but you can sort of see why. Sigh. I'd swap charm for ordinary competence any day.

Margeaux~The whole thing with my sister was rather surprising to me as she has not behaved this way with me since she quit drinking. I know she isn't drinking again. I have noticed since we place mom, she has gotten more angry and bitter. Last week when we took mom out for the picnic, as we were walking, sis started talking about how mom loved her dogs more than us. There was always a dog on her lap and no room for us kids. I told sis, mom did not get a dog until I was in 3rd grade so you really would have been too big for her lap since you are 5 years older than me. Sis's eldest daughter is just as bitter toward my sis (her mom). I did not feel this way about my mom's dogs. I got annoyed by the barking just like I do with Midget...maybe a poodle trait or small dog trait, idk. I am more convinced than ever that my sis has the personality disorder and I am seeing more and more of it popping out as I am having to spend lots of time with her now. Her problem not mine except when she disrespects my decisions like she did on Saturday. Hey, I would not have to bite her head off if she had respected our decision...she didn't have to "understand it", just respect what the other person says and move on, it's called boundaries, LOL!!

Joan~I hope you are recovering well after the dental appt. today. Waiting to do the bone graft when you are home for a couple weeks is best. I hope your mother gives you a break while your sister is there visiting. Isn't it amazing how a PD person wants what they can't have....it is such a mental game they play...they only want it when it is not available, I have seen it over and over again with my mom too. It is all about them being a victim. Take care of yourself, chicken or moose soup for the soul!! Hugs to you!

It has been a busy week. We have all been given extra hours this week with me having to work Sunday at a Stockton store. Then one of my co-workers came down sick on last Sunday, she came back today...but I have been called in early to cover her shifts plus they asked me if I would give up having Friday off to work in a Lodi store which will be overtime. Of course I said yes!! Well this same co-worker comes back to work today....she fell flat on her back coming out of the freezer. I was right beside her when it happened but it happened so quickly, there was nothing I could do to help her. She went to ER as her elbow seemed to take the brunt of the fall, she also said her back hurt.

I am off tomorrow and am taking mom in for a badly needed haircut. I do not like the way they cut mom's hair at the community...sis finally agreed she doesn't either..so I am taking her to the woman who has been cutting her hair for many years now.

Too much to do and never enough time, hopefully I can get caught up here at home tomorrow afternoon. As far as getting caught up goes, I was able to prune 3 roses bushes at mom's house on Saturday as the yard waste can was full. I got the flowerbeds all deeply soaked...LOL!!!, it has been raining since yesterday. Hopefully after Thanksgiving I can finish pruning.
Hang in there everyone, we can get through the tough times and good time together, hugs to all!!

Tomatilla~Yes, please come back, venting here is safe and you will get support and understanding. To further protect your privacy, you can set your private wall so others cannot follow your activity or read what others post to you. Hugs to you!!

Well I am back and not on any pain pills yet, other than the ones I took this morning before I went - Advil and Tylenol. I usually do that and find it helps. Wasn't too bad at all. We decided to postpone the bone graft for the 3rd implant till I will be home for at least two weeks, as I will need a soft diet for about that length of time, and with the food allergies, and now restrictions with the IBS, that is hard enough at home, never mind in airports and hotels.
sharyn I think you are wise to back out of the sale. You and your hubby do not need more stress. As you have said, you and your sis see and do things differently. Take your mum for another outing instead. I can see from your past writings that your in laws have really not accepted you, and it has caused you some pain and still does. That must be very hard.
margeaux, I have found it true that there is no good "being nice" to some people. it comes back and bites you. My posts - new computer - still getting used to it. Will a letter accomplish anything - probably not. More below. The ice cream I makes is with coconut milk and you can buy some made with the same. Works well if you can't eat dairy.
ju - glad to see you back and that things are progressing re your mum and the house. You have been under a ton of stress. I hope you can have a few breaks here and there, Come back anytime and just let us know how you are doing,
countrymouse -you have a great sense of humor - love British humor. I will get back to you about the peppermint oil. The health food store around the corner may have some,
book - the curiousness goes in waves. Yes, mother wants things her way, her timing, and so on. It is the narcissism. She didn't want to see me last week when I was available, but she wants to see me this coming week when I am not available. If, by chance, she finds out that we are visiting my cousin while we are in the east, she will take it as a personal insult against her, and have a major hissy fit, as she and my sis should come first in my life. That is her position and always has been.
cmag -good to see you posting
sad1 -we haven't heard from you for a while.
Austin, I am still thinking about a letter, but not sure. It certainly is better than a phone call.
everyone - thinking of you

My sis arrived on the 18th and yesterday (19th) morning I got a phone call from her that she went to mother's ALF and mother wasn't there but was in hospital again. The ALF called me later and said she was constipated and went in the ER in the middle of the night. Then she had a BM and they sent her home in the morning. I suspect, from the timing, at least some of this was for dramatic effect. I had a good chat with my sis, and let her know that I would not be helping with any more moves as the last two have been too hard on me. My shoulder has never recovered. Sis said after being in Canada for less than 1 day she was already exhausted. We will chat on the weekend or sooner depending on how thing go. I am wary of getting to friendly with her as it always comes back and bites me.
Now need to get some car and other stuff done. This cold weather is hard on vehicles, and mine is not young. The freezing is coming out of my face and I make a short trip to the drugstore for the prescriptions and then will spend the rest of the day hunkered down,
Take care all, love and (((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))