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Gladimhere,

Yes, you bring up some interesting points.
I just wrote about how I'd had this conversation with her daughter who recently had the birthday party, where my sister and an aunt of my niece's are in a competition for the attentions of my sis's new grandchildren.

So there was so much drama re: all that. I wanted to get a feeling from my niece as to how it may be affecting her, given my sister and this aunt. They both behaved so stupidly the day of the party. During the course of this conversation with my niece, she revealed to me that she'd reserved the two rooms out of town. This was just this last Tues. of this past week. She also told me that the timeline w/the reservation, was Wed., and that my sister had not decided yet whether she was going or not. My sister doesn't know that I spoke to her daughter, either or that I knew this last fact. So if sis waited for mid-week of the same week one is to secure a CG, well what can be said of this. I mean, I can't be entirely sure, but knowing my sister, this is what I am suspecting. Anyway, if this is the case, then no.....there's no time to find a caregiver, under these circumstances.

The pool of caregivers my sister currently has at her disposal are about 3.
There is only one, that I know of that is willing to spend the night on the weekend, because she is not a CG who is there during the week. During the week she works at an AL facility.

Actually she's the nicest one, and the most professional of all the CG's I've met who have cared for mom. So weekend of that birthday party for sis's grandson,
this CG was with mom. My sister wanted to be freed up that day, because she was too busy being jealous and assuming her role at the party as Queen Bee.
The agreement w/the CG for that day was to take mom, if mom was up to it, later. Well what happened, is it sounds as if the CG got mom ready. But then mom fell asleep. Mom finally arrived while they were opening gifts.
My sister wasn't happy about this. But you see, my sister is always with her mind all convoluted with issues about something. That day, I think she took out her anger and frustrations on the poor CG. I always wonder how my sister also treats some of the CG's. She's had a few problem ones. But this one in particular.....I hope she treats w/kit gloves, as they say, because she is the only one I know for now that is available for my sister's get aways, which seem to be often.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux
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Countrymouse,
Sorry about my misspelling of "desperate."
More coffee. HAAH!
Margeaux
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Countrymouse,

I'm not really sure whether my sister is reluctant to ask about covering for a caregiver. In the past. Other times she has given me more time to make a plan, or at least not call as she put it on an email to me yesterday that she was "deperate," because they were going to lose the deposit. I've gone also when I can if there's been a cancellation. She's way more reluctant w/my brothers, not me.

My work sometimes is seasonal, so I cannot afford to say no to work right now.
I know my sister has an attitude about me too, in this aspect that because I do not have a 40 hr. job, that I am always available, and that's not so. You're right, poor planning on her part.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux
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Reading some early-on threads and couldn't help chuckling over the myriad ways our darling mothers find to be dissatisfied. Only I wonder? Last year I took mine, at her request, to visit a very old friend of hers; they were Forces' wives stationed together in the 1960s, both now widowed. 120 mile round trip. Way there, mother gets motion sickness; nothing's more fun than being parked up gesturing "we're fine thanks" to passing motorists while your mother voms into the gutter. So we arrive late to find that the friend, Sue, has made a big effort with lunch and is understandably a little uptight; but her daughter has joined us and it's soon smoothed over. Now for one thing, to be fair, mother's just being chucking up and hasn't much appetite, and for another she genuinely doesn't like any of the courses (though how was Sue to know); but couldn't she just have put the olives on the side of her plate, and stuck to ice cream for dessert instead of manfully having "a little of each" for manners and visibly disliking the cheesecake? Fortunately I long ago vowed that I would never allow my mother's behaviour to embarrass me. I was ok! - I had a lovely lunch, second helpings and everything. Mother has "forgotten" her hearing aids (i.e. taken them out of her handbag where I put them before we left our house) and can't join in the conversation. She doesn't want to join us for a walk with the dogs in the well-landscaped grounds in the crisp sunny afternoon. She gets really shirty when Sue urges her to try out the Norwegian walking poles Sue has found great for helping her balance and posture. Well before tea (and I dare say there was a cake specially made too, if we'd stuck around) it's "I want to go home," and she does look whey-faced, so ok I make our apologies, get her back into the car and trust to our hostesses' understanding. We're 40 silent miles into the journey home and I'm thinking oh boy is mother going to be down about that disaster, when she pipes up: "well that was nice, wasn't it?"

What? - what? - WHAT part of the nausea, the awkwardness, the isolation, the lunch, the feeling got at, the disappointed expectations, the total and utter failure to connect with an old friend - what part exactly did she enjoy? It just goes to show that you can never be sure of someone else's idea of fun.

And I still owe Sue and her sweet daughter a return invitation. I bet they can't wait...
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My family surely is dysfunctional. Visited Mom in the NH today and tried to talk to the nurse. But nurse told me she was not allowed to say anything about Mom. And that sister had specifically written that no family members were to be told anything. She was the only person to be told anything about Mom. I was very upset. Like I am the next door neighbor. Maybe I am the next door neighbor's second cousin twice removed. So the nurse still wouldn't discuss mom at all. All I can do is observe. Sister just will no bend at all. Its her way or no way. So just have to go with the flow. Bloom where I am planted. It must seem like I am a wimp. But there is no fighting her. In her mind she's right and I am not.
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Margeaux~I am glad you laughed at the post about my mil. It is a small bathroom, can't figure out how it took 3 hours to clean it but my mom and I just kept shaking our heads!!

You have no reason to feel guilty about turning your sister down. I know, it is easier to say than it is to feel. You have a life too and I am glad you and hubby are going out for the day.

Our picnic was great!! Mom enjoyed the time out, being with Midget. When we were getting ready for lunch she said she was not hungry. She ended up eating a chicken thigh and leg (which I knew she would), broccoli cashew salad. We took a walk and just talked, very relaxing. I was going to take some pics of mom playing fetch with Midget and went to the restroom before I started the pics. I pushed open the door and a big black dog came running at me. I didn't know if it was friendly or not so I tried to shut the door, but she managed to get out. She was jumping up on me like she was thanking me for freeing her. She was very friendly, but she wanted to see Midget which Midget was not happy about. Midget started growling and the black dog became more persistent which made mom nervous. I put Midget in the car while we waited to see if the park host would come back. No one else was there but us...we didn't want to just leave her there. We think she may have pushed the bathroom door open herself then got trapped inside. No evidence that she had been in there for a long time plus she looked well taken care of. Don't know if she lives in the area or if she was abandoned. We finally left and dang, if she didn't chase after my car. She finally stopped when she realized she couldn't keep up. I so hope she will be able to get back home.
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Did she just find out about the caregiver not being available? Wouldn't she have let you know when she did? Isn't there another caregiver that could stand in? Seems that there is plenty of time to find someone that can stay with her.
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No, you're not in the wrong Margeaux. I feel sorry for your sister, but as you say it would have worked better all round if she'd got things together in good time. My kids tried to organise a similar thing for me this year and met exactly the same response from my sister. Can't say I was thrilled with her, but neither can I see why she should change her own plans to suit my children's.

Maybe, though, she's reluctant to ask, which is why she left it far too late, so she got a no, so next time she'll be even more reluctant etc etc etc?? Tricky to stop that cycle; only you know if it's worth a try?

Good response to emotional blackmail, there, too. The deposit is seriously not your problem. Don't feel bad xxx
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My sister called to ask whether I could cover this weekend for a cancellation on a caregiver w/mom. She calls Thurs., w/this request, and I can't accomodate her this time as my husband and me w/be out of town working.

Apparently, my sister's oldest daughter reserved two rooms out of town for her husband, the grandkids, and the other one for my sister and her youngest daughter to celebrate her birthday out of town.

I felt awful telling, declining her request, since it is her birthday. But I can't do anything about that. So then she tells me that it's even more pressure since they'll lose the deposit for the room, blah di blah!

I think she's recruited my brother to watch her one day. But he lives about 50 miles away. Truth be told if I pushed it, because I live about 30 miles from mom, maybe I could be there Fri.-Sat., morning. The problems is though given the fact this brother is not punctual and the distance he lives I don't want to get myself in a pickle, like what if he doesn't show up for a couple of hours. Anyway it's a real time line decision on my part.

But what I don't understand, is why my sister my sister is also calling me so late in the week to inform me of this plan.

A part of me feels guilty/ and the other part, feels like I just can't do it this time.
Oh well! It also has to do w/the lack of faith in my brother. Besides, I wonder whether she'd tell either of my 2 brothers this element of they're losing a deposit,
so as to put more pressure on me. Am I off here for feeling this way?

Margeaux
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Love it, emjo x
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My daughter wants one with "You've read my T shirt. That's enough social interaction for today." Some days that works for me too,
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I want one for my mother that reads Normal For Ninety for her birthday next year. She can wear it to nightclubs...
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Where can I get a T-shirt like that too!

Margeaux
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CPEGA-
I want a t-shirt like that!!
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I spoke with my niece, sister's daughter. She's the one I wrote about in which my sister is having the "grandma war," w/my niece's aunt from her dad's side of the family.

I had called her the other day to see whether a gift I gave to her little baby girl was the proper size. So she returned my call. I asked her a few questions, I must say to see if I'd get any feelings about how she felt, or whether I noticed tension about the birthday party she had for my great nephew. I only wanted to do this, because I figured maybe I could get a gauge as to whether my sister is over dramatizing some of this, and really if it's affecting my niece. But she sounded happy to me,
and of course I didn't dwell on any of this in our conversation, it was a nice talk.

So, I must constantly remind myself not to become a party to my sister's way of perceiving things. Really, some of it is based in people overstepping boundaries,
and not being respectful. But even in my sister's case, IMO....she also doesn't know when to back off with her daughter, in the picture of these new grandchildren.

Anyway, my niece sounded great, and that made me happy.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux
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I wear a t-shirt, that glows in the dark, that says," Normal people make me nervous," for a reason. Dysfunctional is the new normal.
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Sharynmarie,

This was quite funny, your MIL cleaning your bathroom and being on the toilet taking breaks, HAAH!

I think that any time there's a middle person handling the sale, you're going to get less money. It may be easier, in the sense one gets rid of things all in one shot, but then the middle person is going to get their cut....30-50% is a lot.

It's funny......we're in need of a couch. Ours is this big one, much too big for our apt. But it does have a fold out bed, so if we have overnight guests.
Well my husband has fallen asleep almost every night while he watches TV on it.
So that half of the couches cushions are very worn, and it starting to bother our backs if we do this. We went looking the other day here locally, and we didn't like what was available, it's all this weird fuzzy kind of fabric. Then we saw some leather ones, and I don't like leather for a home. But they were all quite expensive, all over $800. So I think we're going to look out of our area where they sell at much lower prices. I also need a couch, which I can safely move when I want to sweep under and around it. There is so much dust in our apartment, especially in the are where this couch sits.

Well good luck with whatever decision you make to liquidate all the items in your mother's home, Sharynmarie.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux
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I have had great luck putting things on kijijii......much better than garage sales.
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Emjo,

When one raises their children early in life to be responsible for chores, and chip in this IMO, is a good thing. My sister decided that when her girls were very young,
she didn't put too much pressure on them in this area. She used to make comments relating it to how our mom put so much emphasis, in the wrong way about always expecting sis and myself to do all chores, even for our brothers.
If it's done in the right way, I think it really helps kids realize that they do have to do things for themselves and a sense of responsibility. Her eldest daughter wasn't affected as much by this, as she on her own knows that when dinner is over.....she takes dishes to the sink, and at least shows some concern about cleaning. On the other hand her youngest daughter, now 24......WOW! When you open her bedroom door, there's clothes on the floor and all over the bed. She even leaves trails of clothes and shoes in a small hallway, that is a common area of the house. My sister used to be amused by this, but more recently.....she complains.
Oh well, she only has herself to blame on that one.

We do have two doves, but they live next door in a small converted garage/studio space at my (wine drinker's) property. About 7 yrs., ago we had the doves living here w/us. But then our landlady from hell, found out, and slapped us w/a 3 day notice., the reason being we had the birds which my husbands rental agreement didn't include. I was so mad, and of course upset when this happened. We are quite lucky that we have this arrangement w/my neighbor. So I go there each morning, and do clean up of their cage and feed them. We do bring them here to our apartment once a week and let them fly. Of course I'm very careful w/the floor,
as I place newspapers down. They're very cute, I love our doves.
I do spend time with them also, as I use the studio for sewing. I've been working on coat for my husband.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux
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Sharynmarie,

I wanted to send you a Thank You, via the hugs page, and for some odd reason it wasn't working. Anyway thanks for the recipes. I will surely try them out very soon.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux
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Book~Thank you for the thought of the day.

I posted a couple pics of mom's furniture on facebook but no one has expressed any interest. I could always try craigslist and i would be like your sisters, I would not meet with anyone alone. Maybe I am not realizing the full scope of doing a sale, but I feel that my sister is making this harder than it has to be. She tends to want more than reality can give.

I read this great article that sums up raising children not to have an entitlement attitude.
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all humans have faults some you can punch in the face while others have a quiet demeanor which can also get on ones nerves we are all being put to the test ...and yes ladeeM narcissus rampant and I believe all the tech out there contributes to the I ME MINE shallow thinking...and with the anything goes with this adm.I'm surprised murder is'nt encouraged to solved our problems .....but who knows we have 3 more yrs. of far left thinking.....sorry could'nt be more encouraging
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Sharyn, my sister and her daughters used to do garage sales. Then they discovered that they can get more for their stuff if the sell it on Facebook. They're careful because sometimes the interested buyers wanted to meet them in an isolated place but they always insist on the mall or some other busy place. For bigger stuff, they make sure one of the guys are home when they make the appointment.

I know it's been a while since you all last spoke about old friends of long ago. I saw this on one of my Daily thoughts (Nov 8) and decided to include it here.

It takes a Long time to GROW an Old Friend.
by John Leonard
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i went over to mom's house took pictures of the couch/love seat. The couch/love seat in the family room are in excellent condition, the couch/love seat in the living room are in very good condition with some wear on the arms of the each piece. I talked with my sister, she has come down on prices but she still feels that we will get more $$ for mom by selling to the person the real estate agent can bring in to buy it all. She may very well be right...I have no experience with this type of thing. I can't help but feel, we may get more by doing it ourselves even though it is a lot of work. I am going to post some pics on Facebook since many of the people who will be seeing it are local people.
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Joan~I had to laugh a little about g's son. When we moved into our house, I was 6 months pregnant. We had already painted the entire inside of the house. My mother in law was cleaning the guest bathroom, it took her 3 hours to do it. Every time I walked by, she was sitting on the toilet seat taking a break, LOL!!I never asked her to do it, she volunteered. Well over the years of being married to her son, I noticed that when ever my husband took on a project, every time I turned around, he was sitting taking a break,LOL!! What could have been done in 2 hours, he drug it out to a 4 hour project because of all the breaks.

Thanks everyone for the ideas. I did look on ebay at couches, of course what they are selling are much newer (mom's couches are 20 yrs old even though in very good condition). The colors may not be what someone is looking for by todays colors and style. Slip covers are popular today too. I still think asking around $250 for each set is fair...sis thinks more like $400. Sis watches all those shows like auction hunters, she thinks she knows what she is talking about. Sis has a '67 camero, it is a creamy yellow color. It has been totaled by the insurance twice, is rusting...but she thinks she can get $10,000 for it. I think she will be lucky if she get $5,000. It is not a pretty car imo. Whoever buys it, is going to put some $$$ into it to get rid of the rust, change the color, probably change the inside too, so why on earth would they spend $10,000 on it.

The thing is we either need to it ourselves or hire someone to come give us an estimate of what to sell all of it for to the person the real estate brings in. I am going to talk with my friend who owns the Diet Center. She mention that she knows a couple to will handle estate sales, maybe they would come look at everything and give us a price which I would gladly pay them for their time in doing that. I read online that having some one handle the estate sale for you, charges 30-50% of the sales.
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(((((((glad)))))) you do well to become sane in half an hour. Some days I take much longer than that. Enjoy coffee with your friend!
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thanks margeaux - my kids were taught to do chores as soon as they could. I had 4 kids and worked full time, so it was a necessity as well as my belief so they could look after themselves. Everything was done for my grandson and it has been a great disadvantage for him. Thankfully, he does not have a sense of entitlement, but it just does not occur to him to do things unless he is specifically told to and given instruction, He is willing to learn, but, in the big world out there, not many places of employment will give him that kind of attention. He only has a part time job and seems happy with it, but he will not achieve his goal of returning to university that way, He wants to become a teacher, and I think has no idea of the workload teachers have. Oh well, I just keep encouraging him, teaching him household chores, and praying for him, He has a very pleasant personality and is a "good" person.
M is learning some hard lessons. Her sister draws better boundaries, but M is very soft hearted, and narcissists make mince meat of those kind of people. She has to learn to protect herself more.
The gut issues are further down -left over from the candida infection, Considering I had that infection for abut 4 years and maybe longer I guess I can expect it will not heal over night, I am very happy to be off the meds, which shows I am making progress. Ginger is good!
Re mother, I feel little need to visit her but will look after whatever needs doing. That is needs, not whims! She has many of those which I ignore.
Great suggestions to Sharyn from you and others.
Sorry Osiris has gone. Would you ever get a pet, Margeaux? They are great company. Glad your g/f's dog worked out well. I have been wondering about a bird - budgie or parrot when Toonie goes, but I don't know how well they would do when we are away traveling.
Sharyn, you have many suggestions about selling stuff I hope you can work it out with your sis. I is a big undertaking.
Thinking of veterans today. My father fought in WW1. War is very traumatic for the soldiers - it changes a person. Hugs to all and have a good day.
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I relish those mornings when mom and hubby sleep until 8 or 8:30, even better 9 or 9:30! This morning, 7:00. I need a 1/2 hour in the morning before I can start to feel sane. And they got up this morning because I have coffee with a friend but don't need to leave for two hours yet! GEEZ!!
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Remember that adorable cat I wrote about Osiris, who belonged to our neighbor's?
He, well.....they moved over a month ago. He used to jump our garden fence each morning, and come visit, give me some love. One of the last wonderful things he did......was if I wasn't paying attention to him, while on the computer, to get it.....
he'd lay over the keyboard. I sure miss him!

But I was lucky this weekend, because my gf came and spent 2 days, and brought her little dog. This doggy is so well behaved, unbelievable.
At first I was a bit annoyed w/my gf, when she first got this dog, and she didn't really ask me whether it was welcome in our apt. when she visits, as she stays, lives far from me. She rather announced she was coming w/her dog. But honestly,
this doggie is welcome. I'm such a sap for little pets.

Margeaux
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Sharynmarie,

This is a great idea, you having bought this book.
Well, it sounds as if you have plenty of people who could possibly help you.
Maybe if you categorize some of the items, such as, smaller things like jewelry and such.....things that would be easier to steal. If you assigned say for one/two of you to have them set up close by you, so it make it easier to keep several eyes on the items, then you may avoid some of the theft. Then if your nephews participate, or anyone else, they could keep track of the larger furniture.

Oh, and good luck with your sister. Here, I know she's in charge of the financial,
but she can't do some things here on account of her health. Well, if you emphasize that the goal is to liquidate, and what better way to do this.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux
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