The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Emjo,

I guess this is how grandkids are, well many of them. I often hear that younger generations were not expected to do chores, and this will definitely affect how much they do let alone for themselves, then others. Good to hear he does well with the cat and that the cat likes him. I know how hard this can be when one wants to go out of town, and we have a pet.

It sounds as if this a hard lesson for M, about her own mom.

I totally agree with Gary, about not visiting your mom.
I hope your stomach issues resolve. I don't know what symptoms you may be having, but have you ever tried ginger, in a tea, it's great for the tummy.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Sharyn -good for you for wanting to take this on, I am about ready to trash stuff of mother's that I have stored here still. Whatever I could sell it for would go to me, and I doubt it would be very much. I have thought of putting it in Freecycle. These days, here especially, people are not that interested in second hand stuff. I might have a better chance in Edmonton, but that would mean carting it back there. I should have given more away when we first dealt with it,
cmag - Your input here has been very valuable and will be missed, but I understand
Alison -haven't heard from you in a while how are you doing?

sharynmarie - just a thought - your nephews might be inexperienced at pricing but I bet they're savvy with the internet: what about eBay? Could make it a fun challenge for them? Must dash, have to light up cough cough xxx

Cmag~I am happy to hear that your step brother is cooperating. If you are leaving this site, I thank you for starting this thread!! You have offered much support for many people from dysfunctional families and beyond. Concentrate on your health, getting your stamina back, everything else will fall into place. Many Blessings to you and your wife!!
You will be missed,
Sharyn

I ordered a book for my kindle from Amazon about liquidating an estate yourself instead of hiring a company to it for you. I have decided that I want to do the estate sale regardless of what my sister wants. She is dragging her heals on everything. I know her health is an issue, but I also know that my sister is not going to let me do it alone because she, like my mom....will insist on being instrumental in the whole thing. Sis does not want to have someone come in...look at everything and give us a price for all of it so we have a price to give to the person the real estate agent can arrange to buy all of it in one lot sum. I am sure my brother would help, his wife, and my nephews. Of course my nephews are inexperienced but my biggest concern is people wandering around aimlessly with the possibility of theft.

None of mom's belongings are high end furnishings or antiques. Teacups with saucers, Royal Albert,ect all from Canada when Canada was still under English rule. Kitchen gadgets, silverware, some place settings of Corelle ware in Blue Corn Flower. Two couches with matching love seats different pattern from the 90's...beige and very neutral with some floral design, good condition. Coffee table with end tables all 70's with plastic fronts, dark stain Spanish Mediterranean style. A stereo in a large cabinet 70's, plastic front Spanish Mediterranean style with 8 track, turn table and am/fm radio..speakers are shot need to be replaced. Black leather rocking chair, black leather arm chair with some cracking in the leather. A 40's 04 50's dresser with mirror in a dark maple finish, mirror is in excellent condition as is the dresser 6 drawers. A 70's Singer sewing machine in a cabinet with 4 drawers, dark wood stain. Christmas decorations, a village of buildings some with light bulbs,etc. Misc. tools. Wall decor is a very large picture that reminded my dad of Ireland, castle,etc...Home Interiors Sconces with votive glass in amber and blue. Some Sarah Coventry jewelry. I am thinking that if we do the sale ourselves, we could get maybe $2,000-3,000. My sister is looking for much more. She thinks the stereo alone is a collectors item...I disagree. If we sell it to someone the real estate agents brings in as one lot sum, we may get much less because they are going to resell it at flea markets or auctions of some kind.

I was also thinking of doing it all myself by first having a kitchen sale, then furniture,etc. but it will not draw as many people as an estate sale will. Keep in mind, the picture I mentioned, has been in my parents house since the late 70's, my mom was still smoking then. The couches and love seat have also been there when mom was still smoking. Nicotine staining is going to be on all of it.

emjo -got it.

book - my g'son is not a bad guy. I did give him a list with instructions and the priority of the jobs. He is very slow. I don't mean not bright. He has finished first year university,but takes his time going about things and doesn't like to be rushed. He fed the cat, watered the plants, and did a little cleaning in the bathrooms. That probably seems like a lot to him in 5 days. Unfortunately he was never taught to do things for himself as he grew up and it shows. he will come back when G and I go east. The cat seems quite content with him here which is important.
Sharyn - M's mother is still alive, and I can see that M is hurting from their relationship. Sounds like you have a good plan taking your mum out. Suicide is hard on any family, I know what it is like having a cat demanding your attention and horning in on what you are doing!
DinNY-sorry you are having a bad day. I am glad you are taking some time off. One day at a time helps. My sis and mother share some of the same issues too - no fun I know. Manipulation all around. Glad you have 3 g'friends there. Many people get paid for being a caregiver.. Could you draw up a contract with your mum? Good luck and keep coming back and venting.
cmag - glad things are working out re your mum's estate. What to do is a big question.
Austin -wise words learned from experience I know
countrymouse - treating your parent like a patient suggests some detachment which is a very good idea
madeaa - yes forgiveness is for yourself
glad - the lack of understanding by family is very frustrating. Sorry about your dad and that he felt that way - very hard on all
scampie - good words - glad your relationship with your father is improving and you are protecting yourself and have let go of the anger
margeaux - hope the caregiver hangs in there. Sounds like you mum enjoyed the "do" even if she was late
Still wrestling with computer issues. Now we have snow. Tomorrow should be a bit warmer, but the snow is here till March/April. I really want to move south!!! Love and hugs to all

195Austin thank you for your kind and encouraging words. This has been a really bad day. I am taking some time off this week. My family needs to see how much I do. This is going to be a rough few weeks. I will take them day by day.

Thanks, Cmag for everything. I'm 47 and still don't know what I want in life. I hope maybe one day we do. And if we don't, atleast die knowing we did good somehow, somewhere and somewhen in someone's lives. {{HUGS!}} Book.

Book, I like that word for the day. Right now at 56, I don't know what I want for the rest of my life. If I live as long and as well as my dad has (to 88 so far) then that is another probable 32 years or so. I've lived for the last 10 years on disability and that rather aimlessly. My mom's death and funeral still seems like a long time ago. Well the holidays are coming and we'll see how that goes.

Here's an update on the settlement of my mom's estate. We never did get a response to the lawyer's letter nor did my step-brother ever return the lawyer's phone calls. However, I was in touch with my step-brother because mom's car needed to pass inspection so that the tags could be renewed. I don't need the car and my step-dad does. So, I also wanted to sign the car over to him.

Finally, the car passed inspection and this week I met with my step-brother to deal with the car for he had to bring proof of insurance. It was a rather simple process to remove my mother's name off of the car title with her death certificate which left me (the joint owner with right of survivorship) as the owner and then I was able to sign the car over to my step-father via his POA my step-brother who also had his dad's id card with him.

To my surprise, my step-brother then announced that we were going to the bank to have the joint account put only in his dad's name and remove my mother's name with the death certificate and he wanted to add his POA to the account. Once that was done he wrote me a check for the money promised before the funeral which the atty's letter mentioned plus some of the money that his dad had owed my mother for some time with the promise that the rest was coming. He then told me that in a few weeks his sister would be visiting and that would be a good time for me to come up to the house and get what the will listed of my mom's stuff that I wanted.

I've sense let the lawyer know that we have accomplished what his letter and phone calls sought to accomplish. I don't understand why they never responded directly, but at least things are being settled now.

Other than these things, I've taken the necessary steps to take my mother's name off of the joint accounts with right of survivorship that she set up over a decade ago and the same with the investments. I've also taken the steps to claim the land that was being held in trust for my by my mother which I'm now owner of and the land does produce some income each year.

My psychiatrist is thinking of increasing my anti-depressant medicine because of my lack of energy and motivation to get things done which I was doing earlier.

I will probably not hang around here much more, but I sure appreciate everyone's support and input over the years that I've been on AC. I think that I've been on here for 4 years.

Love, hugs and prayers for all in your various situations.

daughter - also live in NY -in the lower Hudson Valley-if you meet a good man he will be there for you-I am no longer a caregiver-the husband died 4 plus years ago and this past Jan I reconnected with a man whom I had been in highschool with and he has been a blessing -I was in an abusive marriage and he had it very rough himself and he is helping me to heal. I remember very well when I started on AC my life sucked at the time. I learned that who my husband said I was was not true and AC saved my sanity 5 plus years ago-I staying on ACafter the husband died because by that time I had met such great folks and also wanted to pay back the support I had. I think something that would help you is to learn to detatch from those who drive you crazy-take back your power let your sister the drama queen stew in her own juices learn to ignore her rantings-do not respond she wants to keep the drama going for what ever reason-the husband was the same-please keep coming back here-the greatest folks are here and I am glad you have friends to talk to when you are down-I believe friends are a blessing from above.

*Sad1 – I’m glad that you’re finding therapy as awesome. I wish I can approach it that way. I’m resisting it and the therapist knows it.
*Bermuda – I feel just the same when father turns his attention to someone else and talks their ears off. Better them than me!
*Sharyn - we learned when it was no longer safe to take mom by car. My baby brother once decided to take mom out. He said that when they got on the main road, mom grabbed the steering wheel. He had a difficult time trying to turn around and get back home ASAP at the same time trying to keep mom’s hands away from the steering wheel. After that, mom stayed home. My mom was very aggressive most of the time. Father refused to give her meds for it.
*Emjo – so the next time you and G both go again, will g’son still house sit? And what will you have to tell him in very simple words what you would like for him to do?
*DinNY – It is difficult when you’re overqualified. Is there a way you can apply for a part-time job and in your resume put it in a way that you are now seeking a new field and willing to start at the bottom with matching pay? I’m not sure how this works in the “real world” when it comes to jobs.
*Scampie – good advice about forgiving… I’m still working on it – when I remember to.
*Gladim – maybe our siblings who advice-from-afar think that caring for the parent is the same as with a child. Or if we just tell them, that the parent would do it.

Word for the day – (Oct 31st)
Knowing what you want is the First Step In Getting It.
by Dr Louise Hart

notlikemom (brilliant name, b.t.w.) - treat your mum less like a patient and more like a relative is the WORST advice I've ever heard! You are so right. Matter of fact and briskly professional is often the only way out when if you did revert to family roles you would just scream and scream until you're sick. Hugs x

Shary, thank you for your post. I am glad I reached out. Best, DINY

Glad~I am sorry to learn about your father. Such a young age to deal with so much pain and sadness.

Margeaux~I posted on your wall a recipe that I recently made without the vinegar and instant rice. It was very good and I will make it again. If you have no restrictions on sodium, you can always make the traditional ham hocks and black eyed peas in a crock pot.

Welcome to DaughterinNY and Scampie!! DinNY, it sounds like you have your hands full. I wish there was a way to get other family members to see the reality of needs but, alas...the words seem to fall on deaf ears. Learning toset some boundaries between you and your sister would help you out.There are many articles on the net about setting boundaries, detaching with love. Also google daughtersofnarcissisticmothers...a wealth of info on that site. Come back anytime, you will get suggestions, support with people who understand.

Scampie, forgiveness is very important. Many people think that forgiveness lets the offender off the hook, the truth is that forgiveness is for our benefit not the offender. It doesn't mean we have forgotten and it doesn't mean this person will be allowed in our lives in the same capacity as before...sometimes this person will not be allowed into our lives again. Come back and share some more when you are ready.

Yes, forgiveness is mainly for ourselves and it is frees us.

What doesn't occur to those that do not provide the care is that plans change on the fly. Whatever they need or want at any particular moment, plans no longer matter. I have dealt with this for more than two years now, why they don't get it, and think things will change from one year to the next, to say nothing of day to day, is beyond me.

I agree there are variations and levels of disfunction. What has helped me deal with a mostly absent alcoholic father who now needs me is forgiveness. It is true hindsight is always better. I know I could have been a better parent and we all make mistakes. But until I forgave my father, I was filled with anger, hurt and guilt and felt unloved. In my father's old age, he is better at expressing his love for me and has worked hard to make up for his past. Prayer has helped me deal with all of this. I have to be careful to not be pulled into manipulation and protect my self but it is getting better. I encourage all of us to hold on to your own self worth and seek the support of others as we deal with our parents.

Sharynmarie,

Well at least your sister realized it on her own that she was ready to come to your house for Thanksgiving. That's a good sign.

This sounds like a great idea for you and your mom to go for a drive, of course if your really think she can physically handle it, and most importantly if you can mentally handle it too! HAAH!

Last week amidst the grandma melodrama at my great nephews birthday party,
as soon as we arrived, my sister told me that mom was at home with the CG,
and the plan was for them to come later. Well my sister was in such a huff w/her melodrama, that her bad mood spilled over into the fact that a few hours passed of the main parts of the party, like eating, cutting the cake. Well mom, was still not there after my sister had called the CG on cell, to see what was happening.
Finally mother arrived when they were opening gifts. Now, my sisters anger was all on the CG, in her words, "I don't know why mom isn't here yet, the CG said they were on their way a long time ago." What had happened, was that I think once the CG was ready to leave the house w/mom, mom fell asleep. Well of course this is going to change the plan. But, my sister just had to blame someone, when there was a variance to the plan, she'd set in place.

When mom and the CG did arrive, mom was nevertheless very happy to see people, and truth be told the way I saw mom that day, I think whatever time mother spent their was enough for her. It's also gotten to the point w/mother that we have to bear in mind what kind of chairs she sits on, because she's very unsteady these days moving around.

Anyway, I'm not sure what physical shape your mom may still be in, but sounds like a good thing, even if you just take her for a drive. Looking at scenery stimulates them too.

Uummmmmmm! Those mashed potatoes sound great!
Also, I remember you'd mentioned making black eyed beans. I've never made them, and they're really good. Any recipes?

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Sharyn, it happened in our family, my dad when I was 12, oldest of 3 following the finalization of a very nasty divorce that took about 4 years. This is the stuff that extremely dysfunctional families are made of! A day has never passed that I don't wonder why. Mom became a basket case leaving much of her responsibility to her oldest daughter.

The sisters you mention are fortunate to have each other, at least they are adults and have the ability to express themselves and support each other. Children do not have those skills to help them cope.

Earlier this week I wrote in my journal that I feel like I am falling down a rabbit hole. My Mom is 92, 3 brothers (2local, 1out of state), 1 sister who is Bipolar (50's) and me 50's. I moved into the family home 4 years ago to keep her in place. Now I walk a tight rope between the Geriatric Ward and the Psych Ward. My Sister may visit for all of a couple hours each week. What she does do is call my mom 6-10x a day. It's not unusual for the brothers to go for weeks without showing their faces. Mom is doing ok but very frail. Needs me around for laundry, meals, heavy cleaning and lifting, her eye drops, lawn care for 2 acre property, driving .. You get the idea. I can't take my sisters drama any longer. If we have an argument she calls mom. Both mom and sister share the same narcissistic tendencies. The world revolves around them. My brother, the one that does call, listens to my sister and then expects me to get along with her for moms sake. I have dealt with having to step into my sisters life several times when she had episodes to get her help. She resents me for not being sick and responds poorly to my requests for space and help with mom. Then she feels guilty and lashes out at me in anger and tries to control the household remotely. It is a sick circle of dysfunction. I lost my job over a year ago, no health insurance and my nest egg has run out. I have applied for health benefits from the county and plan to apply for SSI. My brother has been paying my insurance for my car. I have to ask Mom for $ for food and fuel. I hate not having any $ in my wallet. I am depressed and fed up. My out of town brother is paying for the heat and concierge Dr fee for mom intending to deduct these expenses from the estate where he will serve as executor. My siblings feel that I should be caregiver because I live her for free. I am having trouble finding work because I am over qualified. My siblings think I should just find a job. I can't get the message through to them that it will be too difficult because my mom needs someone here. She is terrified to be alone. Thanks for this thread. It brings comfort knowing that there are others struggling with family issues too. Did I mention I am single. Haven't been on a date in over 5 years. How could I ever expose a man to this mess? I have 3 girlfriends to talk me off the ledge when I need it. Lonely and sad in NY.

I know this is morbid, but every time I hear a train, I can't help but think of my co-worker whose mother committed suicide 3 years ago this month by standing in front of a train. She covered her eyes as the train approached...the lasingt effects on her 3 three adult daughters is horrendous. i also work with this woman's best friend, she frequently talks about "I don't understand, how could she do it?" "She has ruined her daughters for life!" How do family members go forward with their lives after a loved has committed suicide? I just can't imagine their pain.

time4me2~I do remember the Calgon commercials! I use to say it all the time when my kids were little, "Calgon, take me away!!! Having a bubble bath is a luxury.

Sad1~I hope you and hubby had a good time at Apple Hill. We haven't been up there in a few years. I love going in the fall, the colors are so pretty.

What was so funny to me about my sister is that I was thinking the same thing when I first emailed her about having Thanksgiving dinner on Friday.My brother is uncomfortable visiting mom by himself, he doesn't know how to handle her or relate to her. When he does visit her, it is when my sis and I are going to be there too. I understand his feelings and have no issues with him for not visiting more often.

Joan~Your mother is the one who lost out, it is too bad but your mother won't understand. Poor "M" having had a mother with a PD. I sure hope she can work on the boundary issues not just with your mother, but as a deacon, she will need to set boundaries with parishioners or she will be run ragged.

On my computer, when I turned it on the day I downloaded 8.1, it was a pop up for an update. When you have the start menu on your desktop, it will be in the panel called "Store", or you can google windows 8.1.

Thank you everyone for your input about taking my mother out for a little picnic. I am going to go through with it and i emailed my sis inviting her if she can get next Thursday off. She is excited about it, thinks it is a great idea and will ask for the day off as a vacation day.

I do not have any set agenda other than to have lunch, take a ball so we can play fetch with Midget. When I have gone to this park this time of year, I am the only person there. The Stanislaus River runs along the park with a large meadow grassy area that is great if you have kids so they can run wild. Mom does not have difficultly walking, I want to keep her walking as long as possible which is why when I visit her at the community, I take her out for a walk. It is only a 45 minute drive, so if mom tires we can leave easily. I don't plan on any major hiking, just enjoying the out doors and whatever happens, happens. I think getting her out instead of always visiting with her in the memory care unit will boost her spirits even though she may be completely negative the whole time we are out.

Do you know hard it is to type with cat on your lap, licking your hands and head butting the key board?,LOL!!

firm boundaries with their "mother"but M recognizes ...
-sorry missed a word

Bermuda - the church lady came into mother's life last spring I believe. She is training to be a deacon in the Anglican church mother goes to. I have exactly the same feelings as you do - fearing for another but glad to have the attention off me for a while. But I don't feel guilty. I have paid my dues. I am sure you have too. I don't know how long she will last. I know it is getting a bit much for her and she keeps talking about needing to learn better how to set boundaries. I can see mother is triggering off stuff to do with M's mother and that must be very painful. Her husband is a good support and limits her activities. She wanted to bring mother to her house for supper and her hubby said no. I am so glad he sets limits. Mother is good at making people feel sorry for her, and M has fallen for that. Eventually M will find out that mother is ruthless. I told her that mother likes playing the victim, but it is just an act to manipulate people. M said she sees that she is not meetings mother's expectations. Good luck - no one ever does. M wants to keep in touch with me. Her sis sets firm boundaries with their, but M recognizes that she does not do as well. This is a test for her, for sure. I hope she doesn't get hurt too much in the process.

You have had a crazy week emjo! I read with interest about your experiences with your mother and M the church lady. When my mother connects with a stranger I almost fear for the person when I see how completely unaware they are of how much emotional risk they are in as they get more involved. At the same time there is guilty relief for me that she is getting some of her emotional needs met elsewhere. I wonder how long M has been in your mother's life and how long she will be?

This HAS been a week. Mother wouldn't see me or answer the phone - not really a disappointment. G said it would be a month of Sundays before he made another trip to see mother if it was him, and in the past he has been very good to her. Gut still acting up so couldn't see one friend, saw the church lady who ended up in tears over lunch when she confessed that her mother is just like mine. I think she is hoping she can "fix" my mother/have a good relationship with her but it isn't happening. Mother wants her to do this and that which is way beyond what this lady wants to do. I encourage her to set boundaries, and not to take a lot of what mother says seriously. The ALF director visited mother and told her to stop calling the staff thieves. Good for him - that is why she wants to move. The church lady was there and mother wanted her (M - the church lady) to stick up for her (mother). M explained that wasn't her personality. Mother told my sister that M would help with the move. M doesn't even know about the move -so it is games as usual. We figured mother has forgotten her pin number, as she did in the summer, so she is blaming me for taking control of her account
Got home and found that the g'son had done little except feed the cat and himself. I had made a bunch of lunches for G and frozen them and he ate most of them. So If I can't get the housework done, I will have to hire someone who can. My shoulder has been bad the past 2 weeks, and better now, but I know I have to look after it. Got my eyebrow and eyeliner tat. The gal was very nice and we had lots in common. She came from a dysfun fam and knew about BPD. She has built up a good business and I wish her well. I will go back in a couple of months for a touch up. The area is a bit tender, and the brows are too dark but will lighten in a week or so. But, it is great to wake up with eyebrows. I wish I had done it much sooner.
technology disasters - tv wouldn't work properly, corrupted file on my old computer, so the boot check got stuck, put in a new security program and it blocked the internet, so I switched back to my old one and in between an email got hacked, my external hard drive with backups is broken. but the good news is, I am getting used to the new 'puter and windows 8 and have moved some files over so I am getting there.

geth -I agree with the others, though I know it feels unnatural
sharyn - you know your mother well- an outing could be fun - just be flexible and have a back up plan so if she gets too tired or difficult you can change plans. I find I have ideas if a nice time with mother and they don't always go as I figured.
Hope everyone has a quiet weekend - me included - and no more tech issues to deal with. An advantage though, it keeps my brain busy. I troubleshot the TV problem and had it fixed before the tech got here. Looks like I have fixed the old computer - will know after a few more scans. So far never found a virus I couldn't get rid of. I shouldn't say that... tempting fate. I know I can't fix the external hard drive, so have to replace it. Setting up the new computer with Windows 8 is a bit of a stretch. I don't know if I have the update you mention sharyn - haven't looked yet and not sure where to, but I will figure it out.
so wishing us all peaceful productive weekend. love and hugs

As my hubby loves to say about, How are you doing today, his answer to everyone who asks is, "I was better but I got over it." lol Out of 7 days a week as caregiver for my hubby, I would say 3 maybe okay, 1 day may be better and the rest of that week I wish Calgon would take me away. For those you you not familiar there was a soap called Calgon and when you had a bad day, put some in the bathtub and 'it" would take you away. LOL
Sharynmarie, despite what goes on with your mom I feel what you planned would do you both some good. Being together in a different setting, getting some exercise and enjoying a good meal is wonderful. Do what you feel your heart is telling you to do and it will be right most of the time. Hugs to you and hope all goes well.

sharynmarie - That is pretty funny about your sister - at least she noticed! I am really pretty ok with my mom situation - she has been asking a lot about when would I come - or if she would ever see me - hoping that my next visit will be better - and if she starts to get "that way" with me - I will go.

As far as your mom goes - does she have a hard time walking? It sounds like a wonderful day - I have tried to do that with my mom - she won't go anywhere anymore though - not sure if she is self conscience about how she talks - or if she is playing victim again - can't walk - back hurts - etc..hard to tell anymore. I would love to be able to do things like you plan on - and if she gets too tired, cranky etc - take her home. I do know - with my mom - the earlier the better - she tires out in the afternoon.

Getnstrong~It is a violation of privacy but unfortunately, these are public records. I was wondering though regarding the $10,000 inheritance, are you saying because nosy cousin is friends with the attorney that the attorney confided in nosy cousin about reissuing the check? If so, that is another matter regarding confidentiality.

I have a childhood friend, I posted about before that she moved to Texas during our senior year. Anyway, I search for her on the net and found out her married name, I could have gotten her address and phone # by paying something like $10. I didn't do it, because I felt it was a violation of her privacy. I felt if she wanted to be in touch with us, she would be on facebook. Well she is on facebook now. We have only exchanged a few private messages via f/b, that is ok. I think she is in touch more with another friend from our group that she was closer too. That is ok too, not a problem for me.

I have not visited with mom this week, giving her some distance hoping that her mood will be better when I go next time. I am thinking of taking my mom out for drive in the foothills, just to get her outdoors, walk around, have lunch. The place I am thinking of taking her is where my daughter got married, it is a flat day park so walking will not be a hazard. I can get some Kentucky Fried Chicken (she loves that), make a macaroni salad or potato salad. We can even bring Midget with us. What do you all think, am I taking on too much, expecting too much out of my mom? It would only be for a few hours.