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Hawk – I had read your post several times but didn’t really get it. I re-read it again just now – twice – and I giggled. I was visioning myself with father. Your “damn well trained and be able to run around” was what made me giggle. I have such a slow reaction that father always hits his mark. I guess I should “retire” since I’m not good at it. =)

time4me. Yeah, the ups and downs of their emotions really do affect us. I hate that too. Sometimes, just a lousy word or phrase would trigger it.

getnstrong – I know about reacting to the parent as if we’re a scared child again. I’m trying to learn more on seeing father Intellectually and Not Emotionally. MAYBE if I react to him on an intellectual level, I won’t lose my temper. I’m still in the experimental stage.

Sharyn, glad that your brother had good news. They really need it in their lives. So much adversity happening to them. By the way, just reading your description of Windows 8, I am in trouble. I’m still struggling with the New Yahoo email format. I Can’t Stand It!!!! If I wanted to see an email on page 5, I would click page 5. Now, I have to scroll using the darn scroll which is soooo slow. I have to bypass all those pages before I get to what should be page 5 (there are no longer any page numbers). Very frustrating.

Joan, I guess if and when I get a new computer it’s going to be Windows 8? I don’t even know what Window I have. My laptop just says Windows Vista and using Internet 8. But IE is so slow and freezes a lot. So now I use Google Chrome.
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Joan~ Sorry your stomach is acting up. I hope it settles down along with the snow (wow...snow already). I am getting used to windows 8. What I do not like about it is the panels when it loads up. When I set up my computer, everything was through MSN. I had to call them because I wanted google. They set it up so I have a password to get into my computer which by passes MSN and goes directly to google. The other thing I don't care for is when I am typing a post or email, if my right hand relaxes and touches a key, it either has a pop up on the bottom of the page or sometimes will take me completely off the site I am on to another page. So far I have not lost a post and can get back by clicking the arrow at the left upper corner. My problem is I don't like change, having to learn to navigate something different is frustrating to me. This why I could not have a job using computers, LOL!!

Enjoy your time away and I hope your visits with your mother are pleasant...or at least neutral!
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Thanks everyone, Had to travel in my dinner theatre clothes and G did a little horse stuff on the way but we got there in good shape and in time. The show was lots of fun, the meal was good and G bumped into a guy he knew years ago which was nice for both of them. I spent a very quiet day today as my guts are acting up a bit. I can see it is going to take a while before the healing is completed. I did a bit much yesterday, and am paying for it. I will call mother tonight or tomorrow and take her out for a meal. There is a snowfall and wind warning so I am not going out till we see how bad it is. It may be better to make plans tomorrow once we know. Made a lunch date with a friend for Tuesday and will see another friend one evening. Other than that it looks like quiet time is what I need. The last few weeks G has been here in E'ton on Mondays and Tuesdays with work and horse business, so I thought we would see a little of each other here and wouldn't you know it he has a meeting on Fort M early Monday, so my grandson who is house sitting will not have much time for all the jobs I gave him. He can come over and do them once I am home. If he can do a decent job of cleaning, I would rather hire him than someone else. He is willing and takes instruction well and boys need to learn how to clean as well as girls - all mine did.
I always feel some tension before I see mother - I know you understand. I will try to make a couple of visits - between the snow and my gut it is all I can handle. I get my eyebrows done Wednesday and then will take the sky shuttle out to the airport and fly home. G will be there to pick me up thankfully.
Book I got a new computer and it has Windows 8 and I don't like it,so I am using the old one still. and really need to back it up! Sharyn I gather you are getting used to Windows 8..
Take care everyone, and look after you!
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Hi Everyone.

Sharyn, a lesson learned about the thought of losing your photos. I have had TWICE my computer crash (and several times at work, too.) I learned when my laptop crashed and the tech could not retrieve my files, to download my files Externally – by CD, Flash drive and External Hard drive. I’m so paranoid – I have my files stored on all Three. You can buy at Kmart or Walmart those 3 or 5pk CD’s for about $5.00. download you photos on each one. Label the CD. Then store it in a safe place. Also, because CD’s do get damaged, also get an inexpensive flashdrive. Download your photos on that, too. The flashdrive can also get damaged. The one from my work – got fried – and these are years of our work’s data. NO other Back ups!!!

Emjo – have a safe and enjoyable trip…. I need to update my external hard drive too! My laptop is getting old. It’s about 5 years old. Better start backing it up before it crashes.
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Brandy~how are you? Is everything going well despite your sister? Hugs to you!!

Sad1~how are things going? Therapy, and your mother? How are you? ♥
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Madeaa~Thank you, I was wondering if I did a restore if that would recover my pictures. I did find my pictures, they were not in the photo gallery. I discovered when you do a refresh, it posts on the desktop everything removed so if you want to reinstall it you can. I'm too computer literate and couldn't figure out to reinstall so I did a restore and reinstalled googled All seems to be fine!!

Joan~Enjoy your time away!! I too wish my mom and sister could be put in this space in the universe where I can just click on an icon to deal with them at my leisure...but I give a heavy sigh!!!

My brother got more good news at Stanford recently. He is doing well and they are going to wean him off the anti rejection drug with 6 month check ups. He is excited about that. He and sil are planning a trip to Arizona in the spring when the SF Giants start spring training. My sil is having depression with Thanksgiving coming because the son she lost has a birthday on the 24th and her mother (she lost in July) has a birthday on the 27th.

Have good weekend everyone!!
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Getnstrong~I understand what you are saying about not letting our parent dictate our emotions. It can be hard at times...depends on what else we are dealing with too. I admit, on Halloween, I was just up to dealing with the over and over again stuff with mom so I kept the visit short. You are doing a great job with your mother no matter what her mood. Take care of you.
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Joan have a good trip-enjoy.
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I so understand about staying away and about limiting visits and the dread of going to visit, and the dread of your parent causing more trouble, and being nasty to those who help them, The antipsychotic meds seem to be helping mother, if indeed she is taking them. She is not contacting me or others as she was, and that is a blessing.
getn - vent away and milk the shoulder as much as you want. Truthfully we don't need anything physical - the mental/emotional stress is enough to justify limiting visits but they accept physical limitations better. Not childish at all - self protective.
Wish she would just disappear - oh yes!
sharyn - sorry your visit with your mum did not go as well. I know if mother has to be moved again due to physical frailties, I will face the same. She seems to be reasonably content where she is now though still complains a lot. Hope you recover you photos. I would think a restore would do it, I need to download some onto DVDs and /or photobucket. I do have a backup system with an external hard drive that I was using faithfully for a while and must get back to it. The photos are the most important item for back up for me.
Grandson is house sitting and will do some jobs for me while we are away. Heading south on an hour or so. I will be in touch - the laptop goes with me everywhere. Love and hugs and have a good day - regardless!!! Joan
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How am I doing today? Full of dread. Just spoke with someone at the assisted living who told me that mother got up at the resident council meeting and started going on and on about how they refuse to give her a different apartment. The employee told me that she told my mother that the meeting was for general issues which affect all residents, and that she would speak to her issue privately.
Woke up so happy today, recovering from shoulder surgery and doing well, and then I got the news that she is on a tear again........so troubling. We've been through this over and over again, and she is so nasty to everyone there.
Spoke to her only remaining sibling, who turned 96 on Monday. She said she felt very hurt by Mom who refused to tell her where she got her phone with the large numbers and lighted dial. Mom told her "she could find out for herself".
Intellectually I know I should not let her dictate my mood, but some days I just wish I could make her disappear. She has a way of constantly causing problems that I wind up dealing with. Think I'll milk this shoulder surgery thing for a while longer and avoid having to visit her. Childish? Perhaps, but there are times when I am reduced to feeling like that scared kid I used to be, and just dread being around her, as I know her vitriol will spit out at me too. Just needed to vent today. Thanks for understanding.
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Sharynmaire, a refresh will not delete you photos. They are on your hard drive, do a search go into windows explorer. You could also do a system restore to a point before you did the refresh. It is very hard when you go and visit and all they want to do is come home, etc. I went to see my mom today and spent a few hours with her, it was constant, I am lonely, I want to come home with me and dad, he died in 2010. She was better than the past few times, I could only stay an hour those times, she cried and cried to come home. They put her on a mild sedative, she was getting very antsy at night, she was doing much better on it, and it was a relief for me.
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My sister likes the letter and will compose her own version of it. She would like to point out to them they have been remiss but agrees it is not the best approach.

Yesterday I took Midget and the candy spiders to the community. My mother was not receptive to me being there but was happy to see Midget which is fine with me that she focus on the dog. She just would not let it drop about going home, tried and tried to redirect her attention to no avail...heavy sigh:(!! Then she said to me that I was probably living her house and have taken everything over for myself, we don't want her around,etc. I was there maybe 40 minutes and I left when she started that kind of talk. I figured the longer I stayed the worse she would get. May need to increase the antidepressant if she keeps this up.

I did a refresh on my computer due to some issues...didn't know it would remove all my photos...over 300 photos gone...my kids wedding photos...I am sick over it. All the landscape photos I took are on flickr so no loss there. I am going to call Dell to see if the photos can be recovered.
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Austin - is it a year already? Time passes so quickly, and your life has taken such a turn. I am so glad for you and your friend. I know you are there for one another. It is great you have someone to look after you finally. ((((((((hugs)))))))
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Margeaux~I understand where you are coming from on how can a person not be a member when attending every week and contributing. It all comes down to if you are living your life as the bible directs us to and if that is reflected in the way you talk and think. I am sure you have heard this saying before,"Going to church does not make you a Christian any more than standing in the garage makes you a car." Its kind of like being part of an organization that a person attends meetings but is really only there to socialize and is not very passionate about the organizations goals and purpose.

Austin~You are so blessed and truly deserving. I hope you are feeling better!!
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A Big thank you to AC admins for removing the spam post that was placed in almost every thread on the site early this morning!!
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Hi friends -since Mom died -it has been a year-she probably would have liked it to know Sandy complicated things getting her back to South Salem to be buried-and finally had to have the service in the church with out power-I have been thinking of her being narcisstic and having to detatch which I learned from the good folks here. Last night when I was not feeling well with a cold-my honey made sure I was comfortable and it was the first time in my life someone took care of me-I am blessed to love and be loved by him and just need to forget what I did not have the other 72 years.
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Sharynmarie,

This letter is very good. The other part of they not responding, could be the fact that it really sounds as if they have been having a changing of the guard, and then you also talked about they having a split in the church. But I find it rather strange also, that if your mom was donating financially, and the amount mentioned IMO, is no chump change. How could someone as your mother not be a member? I find that very odd.

In any case, I still think that anyone no matter how many times they attended a congregation should have access if they want it, especially for elders who can no longer attend a church. I think it was Glad who suggested you look into whether there are any services in her ALF.

But your letter is very good.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux
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time4me - glad you had a good day. Being a caregiver is tough. Could your husband have depression? he has a lot of health issues. maybe some meds would help. his frame of mind.

gmaandsam - hope you had a great lunch with your gma. Funny how those of us who are the "black shepp" are the ones who do the care giving

(((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))) to both of you
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I think your letter is excellent, sharyn. I hope your sis can set her anger aside and go along with it.
I more and more think your sis has some of what your mum has, or maybe it is learned behaviour. The "shoulds' are heavy with mother - the way it should be ore not the way it should be. She can get very worked up about these things and it often alienates people, I find myself falling into that frame of mind once in a while and have to correct myself. When you grow up with it and have it drilled into your head time and time again, some of it sticks, even if it is not your nature. sigh - all part of the challenges...
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sharyn, I like your letter. Keep to the task at hand. Help your mother to get what she needs without alienating them. Who knows how they might be able to help you mom down the road. What we need is another matter completely.
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I basically sent this to my sister...what do you all think?

Dear Deacon Lee,

My mother____________, attended St.___________________for about 23 years. She helped before the church was built and services were being held at ______. She serviced as treasurer, serviced on the Altar Guild, and while not a member, she felt much closer to God when attending services and receiving communion.

My mother has Alzheimer's Disease. She is longer living at home, she is living at __________ and she remembers going to church, receiving communion. She would love to have communion a couple times a month, do you think you could provide this for her during this time in her life? Our family would be most appreciative if you could.

Sincerely,
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Raven~Thank you for responding. Just to let you know, my mom has not passed away, she has been placed in memory care. I agree with you that if my sister does write a letter it should not be one stating that they neglected my mother, but one that says....my mother's name, how long she attended, that she was on the Altar Guild for so many years, served as treasurer, and she is now living at such and such and would appreciate a visit from time to time, receive communion. If you could make that happen for our mother we would appreciate it. I thank you for making me think about it in a different way instead of telling them they have let our mother down. This something I will pass on to my sister instead of telling to just write the letter. Of course if they still do not respond, I will also let my sister know that she can't control the outcome and not follow up any further. At that point we have done what we could for mom and if they chose not to go...then so be it. I will let you know what happens. Hugs!!
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how am i doing today??
as hard as it was to keep quiet and hold back from telling my gma what i really wanted to say, i sucked it up and took her out to lunch. i think i'm doing pretty good today.
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Your statement about not being an "authentic member of the church," makes me wonder about how we all do treat people who attend our churches but do not necessarily ever "join" them. Normally if a person is a member, the pastor and others withing the church get to know you, if you come to church as a visitor that bond is never really formed unless you attend for a number of years and get involved with classes or Women's Organizations.

I kind of think it might be okay to write a kind letter to the church and let them know that your mother attended their church faithfully for x number of years and although she was never a member, she felt closer to God when she attended. Then I might add that you called and informed them of her death, but you were saddened by the fact that although you mother felt close to them, no one from the church took the time to even drop by or send a card of condolences at a time that was very difficult for your family.

I think you should be kind about what you say, but let them know that in the future it might be nice to follow up with families who have lost a family member.

Sometimes churches and their members lose sight of what they should be doing or what they stand for in the sight of others and perhaps if you sent them a nice card or note, it might make them take a closer look at their ministry and ask themselves..."What Would Jesus Do?"

Best Wishes to You and Your Family
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Today has been a good day. Got lots done and hubby is up and soon I will put him in Hoyer lift back into hospital bed for the night. Some days he is cordual and others ready to roll out the door in his wheelchair to get a divorce. Those times prey on my nerves. He will go 3 weeks and all is fine then the 1 week gets me emotionally down. Just need to be in touch with like people. Being a care giver is tough.
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Hi hawk - for me the cage door has been open since birth. Mother has been demanding all along. And I have kept distance but done what I thought was necessary/reasonable. Are you still living with your father? I could never live under the same roof as my mother - she has borderline personality disorder and is narcissistic, and I am the "servant" child. I have a hard time visiting her because of the negativity and demands. I do hope you are looking after you in all of this. Others can look after your dad. My mother is in assisted living and will go to a facility with more care if needed, or she will hire someone to come in and care for her if needed. She has home care 4x a day for help with dressing etc and meals. You don't have to cater to all your dad's whims, just see that his needs are met. When mother gets mad, I walk away or hang up the phone. If she gets angry I will not stay in her presence and I have told her if she gets verbally/emotionally abusive, I will not visit, You have to set boundaries to protect yourself. My mother would keep me busy every day doing things for her if I allowed it, but I don't. Again - take care of you!!!! ((((((((((((hugs))))))))))
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Caregiving in a dysfunctional situation is like dealing with an angry tiger. You had better be damn well trained and be able to run around a little bit - otherwise don't open up the cage door at all and let someone else do it.

Hugs to All,
"Tired of Running Around" LOL
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Sharyn-
Yup, confession would be very interesting for someone with dementia. I would think a book could be written, imaging the stories they would tell! I barely remember the show "Kids Say the Darnest Things" and they sure did! So the sequel could be titled "Those with Dementia Say the Darnest Things! I think Art Linkletter hosted it? LOL!
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Joan~I laughed at your comment "No church is perfect, and if it was the minute any of us joined it wouldn't be." This very true.

Margeaux~Yes communion is symbolic. "Do this in remembrance of Me." Many or all non denominational churches do not have communion. Mom has not asked about the church lately. I have some fear that if my sister sent this letter, those involved in ministries who know me, will still think I had something to do with it...maybe just my paranoia, idk. Yes, they have been told and it is their dealing with GOD not me or sis. Mom never was involved in spiritual growth classes...she refused to go. She even told some people there that she would not attend meetings if they were going to have a short bible study before the meeting. LOL!!
This is why I say my sister needs to let it go. Mom does have a few pictures at home we could put up that would make her feel she is connected.
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Sharynmarie,

Great post! Hey, listen.......the description, the wording about your sister I notice the word "should." This kind of being an operative word, sure we all may feel as if things should be a certain way because your mom paid her dues, participating in the congregation. Unfortunately, we all know that many times especially today,
"should," could become, "could." It sounds as if there are cut backs here regarding the people who are authorized to give you mom communion. This to me almost has become a metaphor of sorts in this situation. Think about it. Communion means coming together. But the reality is none of this is happening, hence Communion really is symbology here. Forgive me if it sounds as if I'm rambling on here.

However, I think that your mom is doing fine in her new community, communing with the people there. You have your very personal and legitimate reasons why you don't want to get involved in further pursuing the issue. I don't blame you a bit for not wanting to become of sister's demands.

Maybe if your mom asks for it on a spiritual end, you may want to get her some nice pictures of something like angels, fairies......maybe the imagery would be good for her. It can be something you feel she was drawn to in the past connected to the church. Just an idea.

Thanks, I think for you too, you already informed. So the balls in their court and if they don't respond, really not much you can do about that, unfortunately. But the good thing about looking at it this way too, is we are not attached to an outcome.
Hence you've taken an objective approach, rather than a subjective approach, as she's trying to force a deliberate outcome. Control!

Hugs to you also,
Much Love & Light!
Margeaux
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