
Many of us, myself included, come from a dysfunctional family which adds a lot of weight to the challenges of caregiving. I have read stores on various threads on other topics and decided it would be good to have a thread just for this topic for people to share, vent and discuss.
The idea for this thread originated on the thread named "The Caregiver....How are YOU doing today?"
time4me. Yeah, the ups and downs of their emotions really do affect us. I hate that too. Sometimes, just a lousy word or phrase would trigger it.
getnstrong – I know about reacting to the parent as if we’re a scared child again. I’m trying to learn more on seeing father Intellectually and Not Emotionally. MAYBE if I react to him on an intellectual level, I won’t lose my temper. I’m still in the experimental stage.
Sharyn, glad that your brother had good news. They really need it in their lives. So much adversity happening to them. By the way, just reading your description of Windows 8, I am in trouble. I’m still struggling with the New Yahoo email format. I Can’t Stand It!!!! If I wanted to see an email on page 5, I would click page 5. Now, I have to scroll using the darn scroll which is soooo slow. I have to bypass all those pages before I get to what should be page 5 (there are no longer any page numbers). Very frustrating.
Joan, I guess if and when I get a new computer it’s going to be Windows 8? I don’t even know what Window I have. My laptop just says Windows Vista and using Internet 8. But IE is so slow and freezes a lot. So now I use Google Chrome.
Enjoy your time away and I hope your visits with your mother are pleasant...or at least neutral!
I always feel some tension before I see mother - I know you understand. I will try to make a couple of visits - between the snow and my gut it is all I can handle. I get my eyebrows done Wednesday and then will take the sky shuttle out to the airport and fly home. G will be there to pick me up thankfully.
Book I got a new computer and it has Windows 8 and I don't like it,so I am using the old one still. and really need to back it up! Sharyn I gather you are getting used to Windows 8..
Take care everyone, and look after you!
Sharyn, a lesson learned about the thought of losing your photos. I have had TWICE my computer crash (and several times at work, too.) I learned when my laptop crashed and the tech could not retrieve my files, to download my files Externally – by CD, Flash drive and External Hard drive. I’m so paranoid – I have my files stored on all Three. You can buy at Kmart or Walmart those 3 or 5pk CD’s for about $5.00. download you photos on each one. Label the CD. Then store it in a safe place. Also, because CD’s do get damaged, also get an inexpensive flashdrive. Download your photos on that, too. The flashdrive can also get damaged. The one from my work – got fried – and these are years of our work’s data. NO other Back ups!!!
Emjo – have a safe and enjoyable trip…. I need to update my external hard drive too! My laptop is getting old. It’s about 5 years old. Better start backing it up before it crashes.
Sad1~how are things going? Therapy, and your mother? How are you? ♥
Joan~Enjoy your time away!! I too wish my mom and sister could be put in this space in the universe where I can just click on an icon to deal with them at my leisure...but I give a heavy sigh!!!
My brother got more good news at Stanford recently. He is doing well and they are going to wean him off the anti rejection drug with 6 month check ups. He is excited about that. He and sil are planning a trip to Arizona in the spring when the SF Giants start spring training. My sil is having depression with Thanksgiving coming because the son she lost has a birthday on the 24th and her mother (she lost in July) has a birthday on the 27th.
Have good weekend everyone!!
getn - vent away and milk the shoulder as much as you want. Truthfully we don't need anything physical - the mental/emotional stress is enough to justify limiting visits but they accept physical limitations better. Not childish at all - self protective.
Wish she would just disappear - oh yes!
sharyn - sorry your visit with your mum did not go as well. I know if mother has to be moved again due to physical frailties, I will face the same. She seems to be reasonably content where she is now though still complains a lot. Hope you recover you photos. I would think a restore would do it, I need to download some onto DVDs and /or photobucket. I do have a backup system with an external hard drive that I was using faithfully for a while and must get back to it. The photos are the most important item for back up for me.
Grandson is house sitting and will do some jobs for me while we are away. Heading south on an hour or so. I will be in touch - the laptop goes with me everywhere. Love and hugs and have a good day - regardless!!! Joan
Woke up so happy today, recovering from shoulder surgery and doing well, and then I got the news that she is on a tear again........so troubling. We've been through this over and over again, and she is so nasty to everyone there.
Spoke to her only remaining sibling, who turned 96 on Monday. She said she felt very hurt by Mom who refused to tell her where she got her phone with the large numbers and lighted dial. Mom told her "she could find out for herself".
Intellectually I know I should not let her dictate my mood, but some days I just wish I could make her disappear. She has a way of constantly causing problems that I wind up dealing with. Think I'll milk this shoulder surgery thing for a while longer and avoid having to visit her. Childish? Perhaps, but there are times when I am reduced to feeling like that scared kid I used to be, and just dread being around her, as I know her vitriol will spit out at me too. Just needed to vent today. Thanks for understanding.
Yesterday I took Midget and the candy spiders to the community. My mother was not receptive to me being there but was happy to see Midget which is fine with me that she focus on the dog. She just would not let it drop about going home, tried and tried to redirect her attention to no avail...heavy sigh:(!! Then she said to me that I was probably living her house and have taken everything over for myself, we don't want her around,etc. I was there maybe 40 minutes and I left when she started that kind of talk. I figured the longer I stayed the worse she would get. May need to increase the antidepressant if she keeps this up.
I did a refresh on my computer due to some issues...didn't know it would remove all my photos...over 300 photos gone...my kids wedding photos...I am sick over it. All the landscape photos I took are on flickr so no loss there. I am going to call Dell to see if the photos can be recovered.
Austin~You are so blessed and truly deserving. I hope you are feeling better!!
This letter is very good. The other part of they not responding, could be the fact that it really sounds as if they have been having a changing of the guard, and then you also talked about they having a split in the church. But I find it rather strange also, that if your mom was donating financially, and the amount mentioned IMO, is no chump change. How could someone as your mother not be a member? I find that very odd.
In any case, I still think that anyone no matter how many times they attended a congregation should have access if they want it, especially for elders who can no longer attend a church. I think it was Glad who suggested you look into whether there are any services in her ALF.
But your letter is very good.
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
gmaandsam - hope you had a great lunch with your gma. Funny how those of us who are the "black shepp" are the ones who do the care giving
(((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))) to both of you
I more and more think your sis has some of what your mum has, or maybe it is learned behaviour. The "shoulds' are heavy with mother - the way it should be ore not the way it should be. She can get very worked up about these things and it often alienates people, I find myself falling into that frame of mind once in a while and have to correct myself. When you grow up with it and have it drilled into your head time and time again, some of it sticks, even if it is not your nature. sigh - all part of the challenges...
Dear Deacon Lee,
My mother____________, attended St.___________________for about 23 years. She helped before the church was built and services were being held at ______. She serviced as treasurer, serviced on the Altar Guild, and while not a member, she felt much closer to God when attending services and receiving communion.
My mother has Alzheimer's Disease. She is longer living at home, she is living at __________ and she remembers going to church, receiving communion. She would love to have communion a couple times a month, do you think you could provide this for her during this time in her life? Our family would be most appreciative if you could.
Sincerely,
as hard as it was to keep quiet and hold back from telling my gma what i really wanted to say, i sucked it up and took her out to lunch. i think i'm doing pretty good today.
I kind of think it might be okay to write a kind letter to the church and let them know that your mother attended their church faithfully for x number of years and although she was never a member, she felt closer to God when she attended. Then I might add that you called and informed them of her death, but you were saddened by the fact that although you mother felt close to them, no one from the church took the time to even drop by or send a card of condolences at a time that was very difficult for your family.
I think you should be kind about what you say, but let them know that in the future it might be nice to follow up with families who have lost a family member.
Sometimes churches and their members lose sight of what they should be doing or what they stand for in the sight of others and perhaps if you sent them a nice card or note, it might make them take a closer look at their ministry and ask themselves..."What Would Jesus Do?"
Best Wishes to You and Your Family
Hugs to All,
"Tired of Running Around" LOL
Yup, confession would be very interesting for someone with dementia. I would think a book could be written, imaging the stories they would tell! I barely remember the show "Kids Say the Darnest Things" and they sure did! So the sequel could be titled "Those with Dementia Say the Darnest Things! I think Art Linkletter hosted it? LOL!
Margeaux~Yes communion is symbolic. "Do this in remembrance of Me." Many or all non denominational churches do not have communion. Mom has not asked about the church lately. I have some fear that if my sister sent this letter, those involved in ministries who know me, will still think I had something to do with it...maybe just my paranoia, idk. Yes, they have been told and it is their dealing with GOD not me or sis. Mom never was involved in spiritual growth classes...she refused to go. She even told some people there that she would not attend meetings if they were going to have a short bible study before the meeting. LOL!!
This is why I say my sister needs to let it go. Mom does have a few pictures at home we could put up that would make her feel she is connected.
Great post! Hey, listen.......the description, the wording about your sister I notice the word "should." This kind of being an operative word, sure we all may feel as if things should be a certain way because your mom paid her dues, participating in the congregation. Unfortunately, we all know that many times especially today,
"should," could become, "could." It sounds as if there are cut backs here regarding the people who are authorized to give you mom communion. This to me almost has become a metaphor of sorts in this situation. Think about it. Communion means coming together. But the reality is none of this is happening, hence Communion really is symbology here. Forgive me if it sounds as if I'm rambling on here.
However, I think that your mom is doing fine in her new community, communing with the people there. You have your very personal and legitimate reasons why you don't want to get involved in further pursuing the issue. I don't blame you a bit for not wanting to become of sister's demands.
Maybe if your mom asks for it on a spiritual end, you may want to get her some nice pictures of something like angels, fairies......maybe the imagery would be good for her. It can be something you feel she was drawn to in the past connected to the church. Just an idea.
Thanks, I think for you too, you already informed. So the balls in their court and if they don't respond, really not much you can do about that, unfortunately. But the good thing about looking at it this way too, is we are not attached to an outcome.
Hence you've taken an objective approach, rather than a subjective approach, as she's trying to force a deliberate outcome. Control!
Hugs to you also,
Much Love & Light!
Margeaux