The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

sharyn - hopefully the eyebrows will look like they always do. I hope there will be no change except that I won't have to pencil them on every morning. Be careful around those pets. Toonie lunges past my ankles sometimes - fortunately less and less as we both get older. You raise some very interesting points about the church and its obligations. The church is there to worship God, to build up people and meet their needs, also to teach, and reach out and more. I can't remember - has your mum asked for a visit - for communion? Are there no church services at her ALF? There are where my mother is. My feeling is that meeting your mother's needs is the most important thing, As you say to Margeaux -you can ask, then it is their choice - between them and God what they do about it. Your sis has some anger about it, it seems and concentrating on what the church should do. I feel, theoretically, it is only right that they should, but that doesn't mean they will, and their resources seem to be very limited. No church is perfect, and if it was the minute any of us joined it wouldn't be.
cmag - I do hope you get all the estate matters settled sooner rather than later. This must be anxiety provoking.
book -learning not to argue is a great one and important for PD and narcissism as well as alz.
margeaux -I understand about the nervous feelings, trusting your gut and stepping back and reconsidering. There are times when I have what I call a hesitation in my spirit about doing something that I thought was a good thing, so then I follow that feeling. I have always found out later that there was a good reason for the feeling and for hesitating. Sometimes it is a matter of timing and I know when the time is right, and sometimes it is something I "shouldn't" do at all. Sometimes it is something that I don't particularly want to do but I "must". There is a lot more going on in this world than we are fully aware of.

Have a good day everyone, My man is home tonight yay! Been missing him a bit. Tired today. I guess still fighting the remains of the infection, but so thankful to have gotten this far, Going to fire up the old chariot and hope it starts! love and hugs

Margeaux~I understand what you are saying. My sister's reason are that she feels because our mother attended this church all these years, that they should visit, bring her communion. This church is very small, so small in fact it has always struggled to stay afloat. Back in around 2008, the Episcopal Church got a new residing bishop in Washington DC. This Bishop resides over all the Episcopal churches in the US. She changed some things like allowing women to become priests, gays could get married in the church. This caused a split in the church....some stayed Episcopal with the Church of England some left and became Anglican with the Church in South America. This little church lost many members which they still have not recouped that loss. As a result they cannot afford a priest. Instead they have a woman deacon who heads the Sunday service. Because a woman cannot be a priest in the Anglican church, she cannot bless the sacraments for communion, a priest comes once a month and blesses enough for each month. The deacon is the one who does go out to visit nursing homes.

When we moved mom, I contacted the woman who would occasionally take my out to get groceries or she would take my mom to church after she lost her drivers license. This woman said she would let the deacon know that mom was moved to a community. This woman also said (which imo, is ignorance and an excuse), "she probably doesn't remember me anyway." My mom had talked with this woman a week before we moved her. I chose to call this woman simply because she did not attend this church when I was attending. I could have called another couple who, like my mother, have been members since the church started, but I did not want to be in contact with anyone who knew me from when I attended.

My sister feels that because our mother attended all those years, helped to get the church started, that they should at least come and give her communion a couple times a month. Sis is angry that they don't do that. I told her a while back that if she does send a letter to them, to leave me out of it because of the problems I had with them, I want nothing to do with it. The older people my mother would talk with on the phone and while at church, have passed away now. Last woman passed about 1.5 years ago and she and my mom go back to the beginning of the church. They were both pregnant at the same time (my mom was pregnant with me) and the ladies at the church had showers for both of them. This was back when the church was much more friendlier than it is today. The couple I mentioned, the wife was a child at the time the church was getting started.

It is a shame the deacon does not go to give my mom communion. I think my sister doesn't want to create a drama, she just wants them to know that as a church community, they have failed in following through with providing this small gesture to our mother in her last years. Does the church have an obligation to every person who attends weekly services whether or not the person is accepted as a Christian? That is the question here from my point...my sister feels it does not matter because mom helped start the church, she was giving them money (about $400 a year last few years she attended) plus whatever she gave prior. Does that make them obligated?

Margeaux, I think that what you want to do by informing the Temple of your friends death is right. What they chose to do is up to them. I am sure you will find the right words to say. Hugs to you!!

Sharynmarie,

While your mother attended this congregation, did she make any real friends at this church? I ask this question since our friend who just died, had a lot of mental problems and really was constantly alienating people from herself.
About 8 yrs. ago at the onset of many of her health problems I do know some people from the Buddhist temple came to visit her, one being more of a friend,
but then this friend returned to Japan. Later, a few others would come by, but that quickly stopped. Never did I see someone more official such as a monk.

Anyway, I do understand your position about this matter if you were offended by members of this congregation. It was good that you contacted them. Although,
many people being members of congregations, as I know it, it's encouraged to visit the sick, or for a pastor to visit also to address the spiritual needs of the infirm. However, this is where the real practice comes in and exactly why I don't feel the need to be congregational.

I definitely understand also that you have already made a request, through another member of a church, with no results, so why would you want to pursue this.

Do you think that your sister is really trying to address the spiritual/friendship needs it could provide for your mother, or do you think that your sister just wants to make a bigger issue of this?

I'm just going on how you have shared your sister seems to make big drama about everything concerned with your mom. If you think it's mostly that, then I'm on your side totally. But if your have any other little questions or doubts about it, and it comes more from you, then yes.

Also, not to forget that I think that even if a person has ALZ, DEM., or anything else, if they still ask to talk to someone, especially a pastor, or priest then in this case I would either try contacting them again to try and make it happen.

Well, I'm preparing to do this. I feel a little nervous, so I'm already thinking about what I will say. But you know Sharynmarie, I'm learning that if I really feel uncomfortable about something for whatever reasons they could be, I step way back, and consider not going there at all. When we do things, hopefully it is for genuine reasons.

You're in my thoughts,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Hi everyone, I've been reading but not really commenting. I stay away from anything religious. All I can say is - If they spent all their lives living according to the Bible or active in their religion, then go for it. Remember this - if someone starts spouting Bible verses, there is No Guaranty that your parent - in their twisted mind (not their fault - it's the dementia) can take that verse and Twist it to fit their situation. ... My father is very good at that - and it doesn't have to be Bible verses.

I wanted to share some videos that I've seen on my online course. I think it may be helpful for some of you. I liked both.... So far, I'm not yet with Alzheimer. But then like the speaker said, even if we had Alzh, we wouldn't know that we forgot the same thing so many times. To us, it's the first time... not the 4th or 5th time. Not very comforting. Maybe best to have a 2nd opinion from a family or friend if you past the test.

I think most of us can really benefit with #2.

1. How do you know if you have Alzheimer?
Google: Hopkins Medicine - Do I have Alzheimer?

2. Learning Not to Argue. (Oh! This is a good one for those of us whose parents are accusing us of stealing, or asking for a dead loved one, etc....)
Google: Hopkins Medicine - Learning Not to Argue.

emjo, thanks for asking how things are going. My lawyer sent my step-dad a letter with a copy of the will on the 16th, but have not heard anything from him. He tried calling my step-brother at the end of last week, but have not heard from him either. Step-dad has a car that was my mother's and mine that needs to pass state inspection in order to have the tags renewed and property tax payed, but my step-brother is dragging his feet about that.

Accidentally postedvtoo soon but have nothing important to just more rambling..good night and have a good weekend everyone!

Glad- great idea about other churches visiting. I admit I am disappointed in this church but not surprised by their actions. I know the Catholic church visits on Fridays and mom was raised Catholic but the woman I talked to at the community said mom could not receive communion from them unless she went to confession.Lol! A person with dementia going to confession?? Mom converted to Episcopalian when she married dad however we do have a Lutheran church here which is very close to Escopalian. I will check.into that to see if they have a ministry visiting facilities.

Sis sent me the name of the disease mom has in her left eye. It sounds like it is caused from have dry eyes...so use those drops!! I also researched dementia and vision problems due to the brain misfiring messages and the wad a study done in the UK about it.

YAY on the eye brows Joan! Let us know and post a picture when you can. I am considering it before mine get more sparse. Have a good weekend!

I tripped over Midget earlier now I am having trouble walking. Nothing serious..a sprain. Should have iced it when it happened.

Yesterday we had a freak dust storm. Our soil here is very sandy....visibility was bad when I got off work.

and finally - for now anyway

bornthisway – sounds like your mum needs an evaluation. Siblings can be such trouble! Can you talk with your mum’s doctor about her mood swing? She certainly is still grieving the death of your dad, and that mixed with dementia is difficult. Maybe another med would work.
glad –difficult situation with your mum and her parents. alz is such a hard disease to manage. You have to do what works Your sis is a major PITB! I am glad she is about to get caught re POA. This has been going on a while -too long.
ChristyHansen – thanks for the hug. Sounds like some limits are in order. Last time my mother was really nasty (last Christmas) I told her I would drop POA and cut her off if she kept that up. She hasn’t been directly nasty since. No, we shouldn’t put up with it even if they are related.

Thanks for sympathies everyone. Austin you are right - you need to do something when a friend passes. I didn't once and I have regretted it. I will be away when they have the service, unfortunately, so will have to arrange something with mutual friends. Maybe go out for a meal with a few special people. Too cold to do anything outside now.

Today was not what I had planned –the car battery was dead. There is a slow drain somewhere. Same thing last winter. Son Dave boosted it tonight and I took it out for a run. I hadn’t used it for a few days and that seems to be when it happens –but only in the cold weather. Time for a check up!

Mother’s lawyer asked me about mother not having any control over her bank account – it took about 3 emails, but he gets the picture. She has as much control as she ever has had. All I do is check her statement about once a month. He says he notices a change - that she is getting upset more easily about people. Frankly she always has, but I think she has been pretty well behaved with him most of the time and maybe she has less control now.

Take care all – heading south this weekend for the dinner theatre, to visit friends, and mother and - hear this Alison – getting my eyebrows tattooed next week !!!!! Yay!!! Finally!!!! Love and hugs to everyone

to continue...
Sharyn – M may have to run the course before she understands. I think she would be receptive to info, but I have been busy with other things. Energy is coming back – and I have so much catch up to do in the house after being sick for so long!!! I still have stuff from mother to deal with and I want to downsize china etc. It sits behind glass and looks pretty, but is of no value except sentimental and I have trouble letting go of things like that. Aaaargh Glad your niece wasn’t hurt going into the ditch. I see your problem with the church and empathize. Glad has some good suggestions
Margeaux –that girl friend!!! Wouldn`t tell you the name of the shampoo. Oh my goodness. You are right to share less info with her. Your neighbour is a bit strange, I must say. Mother “confides” (bitches) about me to anyone who will listen. It is the “poor me” game and the “done me wrong” song Your sil is a doozie. I am shocked sometimes too by people and can\t think of a comeback. Health is better thanks.
Juju –good to hear from you and that you are back home, Hope all your issues are working out. Happy that you have health insurance now
Pita – how is it going. Nothing wrong with selling your mum`s assets if she is not using them. Then she has money for her care
Jinx –good suggestion!!! The latest is mother’s financial advisor who is questioning me. He is I think, very slowly learning that mother’s complaints do not have much foundation to them
Danuta –the denial these difficult people have amazes me. Mother tells people she has no family to do anything for her. Give me a break! Have you contacted your agency on ageing and/or social services?
chriskrys – the stress of caring for someone who has abused you can be much too much. No it is not fine you are being abused. Walk if you have to. Setting boundaries is really important –and learning to detach. I understand about triangulation very well. My mother has used my sis for that and anyone else she can. She demands that I do something for her then I find out she has asked several other people to do it too, then she goes ahead and does it herself and gets mad at me for interfering etc. No-win type games. Just do what is good for you and distance yourself from the games.

Going back a few days to catch up so this is going to be in segments
Cmag –hope things are unfolding without too much stress from step dad and step bro.
Alison – I think I am seeing the end of this candida bout. I am off the candida meds and all is well –finally. It has been over three years. I did much research too, but the most helpful thing was getting to a specialist who listened to me. I had figured what I needed and she agreed and got it to me, and it worked. My thyroid seems to have settled down though I will get tested again in 5 weeks – in the morning. I think the stress of being ill with flu affected it. The thyroid gland needs iodine to make the hormone. If it works for you, that’s great. The problem with colloidal silver is that is kills all bugs and in the gut you need a balance. The original problem was killing the good bacteria with antibiotics so the candida overgrew. Silver will kill the good bacteria as well as the other bugs and the candida, The specialist said the probiotic in food is best e.g.yogurt, but I am allergic to dairy so I used unpasteurized sauerkraut, ( 3 x a day - with each meal and took probiotic capsules. Then I realised you need to be sure you are eating prebiotics – the foods the good bacteria feed on, so I started eating legumes daily and lentils seemed to be the best for me. I do think they were the last part of the equation for getting me to this point. No meds for a week now. Sorry about the fungal sinus infection. I still have a bit of that. At my suggestion, the specialist had a Nystatin nasal spray compounded by the drug store and it is doing the trick. Other than that I was swabbing my nasal cavities with monistat on a Q tip. Fungal infections make you very tired, I find. Yes it is a battle ((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))) I have not had any antibiotics for over 3 years now and hope to never need any again. Building oneself back up again is the game! I walk –in the malls and stores if it is too cold. We have an exercycle and I should use it more. Eating properly is easier except when I am tired. Gotta get those veggies in. Hope you are feeling better.
Book – sorry that you are exhausted again. Re wigs –you can order them online and measure your head –you don`t have to have a fitting. Rogaine works for some and not for others. The wigs do not come off in a high wind –you can fasten them with wig tape –so I am told. Also was told that synthetic is easier to handle. Hope you are getting lots out of that course. Glad learning about dementia is helping.

Sharyn- if all your moms friend have passed couldn't you call any church of her denomination, tell then the situation and ask if they would visit her or have a visiting ministry? There must be other service organizations that would visit as well. Does she enjoy young people? Seems like girl scouts, boy scouts, 4H or something would send visitors.

I will think more about this before I tell my sis just so I have more info. I don't it to be based on just how I feel.,

Joan~I Have to admit my reservation on this issue is because I dont want to get hurt again by these people. I am afraid that if my sister sends this letter that those who remember me, will think I am behind it. I don't want any retaliations from them, I will pas this on to my sister as she tends to side with me on this type of issue and I want her to make her own decision. Thank you both on this issue, it has bothered me alot. Hufs to you!!

sharyn I agree about what your sis wants to do. I would be like you. Even if the people your mum knew have passed, as glad has written, many churches have a ministry of visiting people in institutions. That being said, I cannot say that I have seen a lot of that type of action in any church I attended. However, I think it is worth mentioning to the church office for inclusion in a bulletin, or passing on to a ministry within the church. My mother has burned out a number of people in her church. I gather that has not been a problem for your mum.

Thank you gladimhere, but everyone my has known threw this church going back to to the 1960's,hae passed away. The woman I contacted was willing on occasion to drive my mom to church services on occasion. I agree with what said about letting it go,and I told my sister I wanted nothing to do with it if she decided to proceed. Hugs for your answer!!!

I would forget the letter to the church to tell them off. Instead, the letter should state the situation and state that your mother would appreciate any visitors. Maybe the message got lost in communication somehow? Most churches have ministries that are more than happy to visit those that are in facilities of any kind. I would be surprised if they consciously would refuse to visit. Was there someone specific at the church that your mother enjoyed spending time with? Do they have a weekly bulletin with prayer requests that would also serve to notify members of the church that may have known your mom?

I have to admit that I am struggling with a similar situation as Margeaux regarding a religious community. I may have posted this previously...I am not sure. My mother and I attended a church,..the church I was hurt in and refuse to attend . My mother continued to attend until she could not drive anymore. I offered to take her but she refused. Anyway when my mom was diagnosed as incapacitated, and we placed her in memory care, I contacted a member of the church about my mom's situation. This was back in April of this year.Not a single member of the church has visited my mother. I accept this because my mother nor me were accepted as "authentic members of the church". My sister does not accept this, she wants to send a letter to the church telling them how disappointed she is that they have no interest in our mother.I tell my sister to forget it...any suggestions on this!

Gladimhere, Austin, Emjo, Raven & Sharynmarie,

Thanks so much for the response to my question.
All right, I will probably do this some time in the next few days.
I just didn't want to be like some nosy neighbor of sorts, but I know the recently departed would appreciate it, and I seriously doubt that this was attended to by anyone else. Thank you to each and every one of you,
A big group hug,.......Oh, that felt fantastic!

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Margeaux~Informing the temple of your friends passing is a good idea. You have passed the info on to them which I see as being a caring, spiritual person. Hugs to you for thinking of this aspect. HUgs to you MArgeaux!!

I do not know anything about the Buddhist religion, but I think if they were approached or called and told that one of their members passed away and explain that you wanted them to know but you do not know what their protocol or beliefs are... I think they would understand. If they do nothing, at least you did what you thought was right and honored your neighbor in doing so.

Yes, somebody please address ladeeM's question, "Why is it that most of that generation are narcissistic????" My mother is 88, my father is thankfully dead. I've taken care of my mother at home for 10 years and she can't even say please and thank you. She doesn't understand why this or that is "so hard".

bornthisway: You are describing what sounds like bipolar disorder. I thought at one time my mother had it.

emjo, I send you a big hug. It is VERY difficult being a caregiver for family members who are downright mean and combative. I have been slapped while driving 55 mph on the freeway, berated in restaurants and department stores, and I don't know what else. I don't believe we have to put up with b.s. like that from anybody, even if they are related to us.

I would tell them.

I agree -I would let them know about her passing-they may have formed a friendship with her.

Margeaux-
I would definitely contact them. While you don't know if she had been participating recently, they would know. They would probably appreciate knowing.

Hi Everybody,

There's been a pressing issue going on in my mind with the recent passing of my neighbor's death a week and a half ago. It's about the spiritual aspect.
She followed Buddhist philosophy, and I once gave her a ride to a temple about five years ago close to our residence.

Since apparently, as I've mentioned there will be no service for her here, I at least thought people from the Temple she'd belonged to should know, and they could follow their protocol for the passing of one of it's members.

Do any of you think that I'd be stepping over some kind of boundaries here?
I would appreciate any feedback.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Danuta,

What a predicament. Were her sons ever that close to her?
In any case, even son's as in my family who really aren't that close to such an elderly......given the kind of care especially I would think a 94 yr. old might need,
if they were able to one has to wonder whether they'd really do it. I think that this becomes such the unfair part about assuming that another bunch of women with pick up the slack.

Definitely, as Sharynmarie says, try contacting the Area on Aging, of Departmant of Social Services. Who is DPOA, because really this person should be the one wrangling with this decision. No matter that her two sons are ill, they can at least be involved hopefully in trying to get the care their mother needs. I say, sons shouldn't get off the hook

Believe me, I know there are men out there that even become caregivers, so I don't want to sound as if I'm just making some blanket statements about men.
However, many times too.....as I've witnessed in our family the women somehow more often than not get handed over not only their own mothers, but mil's too.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Danuta~If your mil's two sons have talked with her about how she can't live with them and she still refuses to listen (probably denial of her situation), your husband can contact the Area Agency on Aging and ask for a social worker to visit his mother (hopefully with the 2 sons present), giving your mother options of where she can live. Bringing in an elderly person who has health issues plus is toxic, will wear you out fast plus will not help your husband or bil's health. I t sounds like mil sold the her house just assuming one of her children would take her in without talking it over reasonably with her children. Maybe assisted living would be a good choice. They are many nice places that provide good care. Good luck with this.