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Bornthisway,

Is this a recent diagnosis you received about your mom?
You may want to read up about Dementia. It may help you to understand, what happens to people with the disease. Sure we have the dysfunction going on with other family menbers, and many times w/our sick loved one, but at least you can look at some of this another way also. It does help.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux
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Austin,

I completely agree that we need some form of saying goodbye.
Very thoughtful of your friends

Much Love & Light! Margeaux
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Emjo,

I am so sorry to hear about your friends.
After the death of the woman, week ago here.....I know there will be no service for her either, at least in our state. Her remains were apparently sent to Chicago, where she was from.

I must check up on our neighbor, R (her friend who found her deceased).
My husband saw him briefly yesterday, and asked him if he was over the shock of that experience, and he told my husband he was not. Understandably so!
I'm not either. So I think some time next week I'll make dinner for the three of us, in a small remembrance of her.

May all their spirits soar very high,

Much Love & Light! Margeaux
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Joan-
Very sorry to hear about your friends. It is always such a shock to lose someone suddenly this way.
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Sad to hear Joan about your friends. You are so right, we don't know the minute or the hour, that is why it is so important to live here and now, today, yesterday is gone and history, today is a gift, hence "the present" and tomorrow is not promised to anyone.
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Joan I am so sorry about the death of your friend-I hope there will be a service-when my neighbor died her husband did not have any kind of a service that we know of-so her friends held a memorial service last summer in our little town park over looking our lake-we really need a way to say goodby to our friends.
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Joan~I am sorry for the loss of your friend. You know, I thought the same thing today about how quickly life can be lost by a bad judgement like I did today. I tried to make light of it because I went for the pillows and I was on a mission, not speeding...but so quickly something can happen. I hope you can go to the funeral service.

Last week my niece ended up in a ditch too. She was lucky but she was using her cell phone. She is old enough to know better but people still do it. I have to replace a tire, you can't replace a life.

Hugs to you, such a sad thing to happen!
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Thanks, Margeaux and Sharyn.

it has been a he'll of a day. Moms sister was here a good part of it which was quite stressful. Went through some of the selfish sib stuff with her. She has so easily manipulated by sisters, just incredible. My kids are all over 29 years old, auntie dearest was told by the professional counselor sis that I will not allow them to see her. REALLY? All are married, have their own homes, etc. I have told them that if sister is invited to a function I will not be there, but have also told them if they want to see her, fine, just don't share it with me. Lots of talk related to POA sis that has lied about so much. She is about to be caught, and it won't be pretty. Just desserts.
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Sad tonight - just found out that a gal I worked with at the college for years and years and her husband died in a single car accident on Wednesday. It went into the ditch and rolled over, Life can be snuffed out in a minute. I worry about G on the highway so much and driving when he is tired. Fortunately he stops for naps when he gets sleepy, but there are many bad drivers - accidents waiting to happen. I wonder if there will be a service here. As far as I know they have no family close by. Called a mutual friend who used to teach with us - she was shocked...
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Juju,

It's good to hear from you, I was wondering about you.
Congratulations about qualifying for the state program.
Now you can at least have access to medical. This is really good news.
Your last sentence made me laugh, that you never thought you'd look forward to therapy.

How is your mother these days?

Much Love & Light! Margeaux
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Gladimhere,

When mother's sister died, on account of how close they used to be, and lived together of course mom went to the funeral. She's 92 w/ALZ. She initially would ask about her sister, or remember her passing. That's been almost going on close to 2 yrs., now. We noticed she was depressed several mos. after her passing, but now she hardly brings it up at all. Oh, and my dad's passing which was now 12 yrs., ago she never talks about him at all. But even when she still had her memory, we noticed she'd hardly mention dad. We thought this was rather weird. But oh well, that's our mother......has always been really disconnected from feelings to begin with.

Yes, I really think it serves no purpose to tell them. A couple of relatives from her generation have passed in the last year, and we saw no reason to tell her, she hardly had seen either of them in an awfully long, long time.

I'm so sorry about your financial issues you are experiencing right now, too.
You're in my thoughts Glad!

Much Love & Light! Margeaux
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My daily adventure. I saw some pillows I wanted on Pier 1 Imports web site. I went there this morning to see if they still had them. They didn't but the Modesto store did. I had them call Modesto to hold 2 of these pillows (on clearance). The pillows are perfect in color for my office...purple flowers with a light tan background. I was very excited!!!

I drive to Modesto, pull into the shopping center parking lot...I took the turn a little to wide, hit the curb with my right front tire blowing it out on impact. I pull in to a parking space. I have my priorities so I went into Pier 1 Imports to buy my pillows!!! Then I called triple A to come change my tire for me, LOL!!!

I don't know now if the pillows even on clearance were worth the drive...all I care is that I am back home and I got my vacation pay so everything is caught it...hmmm, LOL!!
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I know what you mean, Juju. I have absolutely sworn off therapy. Then I had my full time job and taking care of 2 bedridden parents. And I was just overwhelmed with everything -stress,anger, exhaustion,etc... well...still struggling with therapy but it's not as bad as the beginning - fighting against it vigorously...It's only 1025pm, and I am just soooo tired. I'm beginning to feel like I used to be before mom passed away. That kind of exhaustion. Dizziness, loss of balance, etc... I go now. Shower and maybe just read a relaxing book that has nothing to do with dementia or caregiving or finding myself.

Before I go, I just wanted to say that I'm taking an online free course on dementia. I am sooo behind on it... But, I am learning a lot of stuff that is helping me to deal with father. Yes, I watched Teepa's videos. Yes, I read here on AC what to expect and to set boundaries, etc... But I don't know HOW to do this. Anyway, as I take this course, I'm learning to Understand father Intectually. I'm nerdy, bookish - I'm finally understanding what dementia does to people. I find myself treating father nicer. I struggle with emotions. But reading something online from John Hopkins is very helpful for me. Therapy will deal with the emotional side of me. While this online course will help me intellectually to Understand what is happening to father. And I don't have to react to him emotionally. boy am i tired.....
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I was so grateful that mom's dementia lessened the heartbreak of losing dad...she rarely asks for him except on these rare days 1-3 days a year where she does go back in time, way back, then I do just go along with her and tell her I called and checked on him, he is tied up at the office and will be home later. first couple times I did say he has passed away and yes that was disturbing to her, so why! I did feel initially that the truth was always better but not in these cases I believe, as long as a white lie is used for good not bad!!!
Well...I received a letter, not to long ago, stating my financial status (food stamp program recipient) now qualifies me for the state health insurance program at the first of the year, I am excited about that and being able to take better care of myself....I just scanned it but it said therapy, eye and dental care could be included....those three are much needed right now as well as getting check up female and other health issues under control!
I never thought I would be so excited about therapy till I became a Caregiver!!!
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Glad~That is a wise decision. Good for you in deciding this. Many may feel they owe it their parent to be truthful but if the parent is not of sound mind why put them through it just so we feel we were truthful to them. Everyone has their own opinion and we do what we can live with.
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Sharyn-
I have planned on doing the same thing. When mom's husband passes, I will not tell her, we will go to the service, then I will not remind her any longer. Why in the world would I want to put her through that grief over and over again.

With her parents it is much more difficult because of the way she asks. She knows somewhere in her brain that they are gone. If I tell her that she just talked with her mom a few days ago, then she will ask "oh, is she still alive?" Quite odd, I then tell her that she passed 12 years ago, at 101, and it was time.
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My mothers only other living sibling passed away Sept. 30th. She was the third sibling of 8 to develop Alzheimer's. My mother is the 4th. I my sister and I decided not to tell our mother about her sister. Simply because she would ask over and over again. Why put her through the grieving process over and over. Sometimes my mother thinks I or my sister is her sister. I don't correct her...she does not understand so why cause her additional stress? This is just my opinion...Hugs to you and on what you decide.
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Bornthisway-
And sometimes the opposite occurs, siblings think that antidepressants will help with the shock and despair of a loved one passing away. This happens with my mom, her parents passed away years ago, but because of the dementia, she does not remember. Each time it is as if it is completely new, which to her it is. There is not an antidepressant that will fix that sort of thing, only a cure for Alzheimer's.
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The doctor says my mom has dementia. My father recently passed this year. Recently the event with her was she accused a child of stealing something - I found the item in her apartment. She went ballistic with me and screamed and yelled at me because she said I was not believing her before I found it. Before this happened, I saw something different in her. I thought maybe depression so I felt she was depressed and took her to the doctor. He gave her an antidepressant and my sibling was not happy with this. My sibling stated my mom was not depressed. (I live next door to my mom and see her every day - my sibling sees her a couple of hours a couple days a week. My mom took the antidepressant a couple of days and then said she was having side effects (something my sibling kept saying to me before she started taking it was that it had dangerous side effects) She is not on it anymore but now she is behaving just the opposite.... singing - happy and giggly. I find this odd.. my sibling does not. I am a nervous wreck with no support from a large family. I need some outside input.
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Dear Sister sharynmarie~ Thank you for caring and understanding. There are no other children from her. My dad had 2 kids but the trust he had set up for us was stolen by mother. Indeed almost everything was. She feeds off the awful remnants of frauds and horrendous lies (which we can now catch her in...she just shrugs) She smiles if someone is upset (can't hide her delight) She is sneeky and triangulates information so everyone gets a little different story..this is what cluster b pds do. So trying to work with anybody is difficult because i have no idea what she's said or done.
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Thank for the support and suggestions. Will post more later
The dentist changed his plan again. They only took impressions yesterday, Nov 20 I will get most of the work done, - including he tells me now a bone graft in the front before a transplant. So I will not be able to visit my sis when she is here. However I have a massive sinus headache today - had one the other day too. Maybe the weather changes. Woke up early (4:30) and baked muffins, made ratatouille, a hamburger stir fry dish and some mac cheese for G's lunches. I find I can do more in one hour early than in 2 hours later, but now I am wiped. I hate taking meds for the headache but may have to, as I need a nap to catch up and get rid of the pain. Always something!!! . Looks like my gut issues are setting down thankfully. I have been OK without meds the last couple of day - and that after 3 yrs. on meds of one sort or another!!! Unpasteurized sauerkraut is a great probiotic other than capsules, as I am allergic to dairy, and lentils and other legumes are great prebiotics .
nap is calling
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Chris~My called also called her attorney but he let his secretary handle it and she did a great job. When mom was diagnosed as mentally incompetent, he laughed saying we know how to handle little old ladies.

It sounds like your mother is on Namenda too. I suggest you google daughtersofnarcissisticmothers. Many of us on here are dealing with a parent (usually a mother) with a personality disorder. If you want to walk...I can't blame you and most therapists will advice those of us who were raised with abuse to not take on the caregiving role because the issues of the past come in to play as well as present abuses. If your mother has a personality disorder (mental illness), nothing you do will make her happy, she will always find fault (none of which will her own). You say she has set it up so everyone will be against each other...that confuses me because you said you are an only child. I take it that there are other relatives involved...at least regarding her will. Taking care of this kind of parent is not a requirement to be a good person. You have to put your health first!!

If there is not current DPOA and she refuses to get one, the only choice I am aware of is to call the Area Agency on Aging and request that a social worker come and takl with your mother giving her options. Does she live with you or do you live with her? Are you financially dependent on your mother? If your mother is mentally incapacitated you can have the state take over her care...this means they will take control of her monies/assets for her care.

With the state taking over, there will be a court hearing where a guardian will be appointed by the state. If your mother needs to be place in a facility they will do it. Not a bad thing when you consider that you need to take care of yourself first before you can help someone else...this is why you are not expendable!!

Google the site I suggested, also google detaching with love and setting boundaries with toxic people. My mother has a personality disorder and Alzheimer's. It was very difficult in 2012 with her. I wanted to walk too, my sister helps also. But I totally understand someone walking. I am sure others one here will have other suggestions for you as well. Keep us posted ok!! My sister friend, you matter and don't forget it♥
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sharynmarie~ Thank you, Sister for the hug. Mom will give no POA anymore. Her atty had them and got so angry he resigned because of her repeated calls and drama. She now is on both aricept and just started the other one...N---, i dont remember the name. She has set things up so everyone involved will be set against one another. I am ready to just walk. I mean from my whole life..i don't want to make her hate me more, i dont want to cause harm. My whole life has been about being Loving and i Cant. and i dont know what to do. (((HUGGZ BACK)))
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Chriskrys~You are NOT expendable!!! I know you are at the top of your stress level and we are here to support you. We care and can give you some suggestions or you can just vent to us.

I want to ask you 1) do you have a DPOA so you can make medical and financial decisions for your mother?
2) Have you called the Area Agency on Aging in your county/city. They have many programs that your mother may qualify for that will include getting respite time for you.
3) How advanced is the dementia, is mom on any medications that may help to reduce her anxiety without over sedating her, and are you living with your mother?

Big HUGS to you!!
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My mother is a destructive narcissist with dementia. I am the only child. The stress has caused 3 attacks of me vomiting so severely that i had to be taken to the hospital to stop it. I was abused and am abused, but i guess that is just fine as long as no one else has to deal with it. RIGHT? I have screamed for help..ways to handle it and i have been there..but i keep getting this Look from people and the ONLY one who cared was her surgeon and he held onto my hand for a sec too long and i started to cry. I suppose this means i am expendable..that i am nothing. Because that is how i feel.
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I picked up the spider/suckers....they are so darn cute. The woman who makes these, covers the candy sucker part in black fabric, glues on eyes and eyebrows, then she wraps pipe cleaners around the candy making legs. The white stick represents the silk that a spider would be hanging from. Midget looks so cute in the witch costume, LOL!!! My sister is disappointed she can't be there for all the fun! Well, I doubt that this will cause a lot of activity out of residents except for bringing in Midget. I can't do this late in the day because i work too, so I guess if sis wanted to do something on her own she can. I am going to try to take pictures, but they may not let me take pictures of other residents (understandable) and I would not put other residents pictures on facebook or any public forum due to privacy issues. I will not be putting pictures of my mother on facebook as she gets more progressed. Right now it is ok, but once she gets too progressed, her privacy/and ours is of utmost importance.

Pita~I am glad you talked with an attorney. You sound more relaxed about the situation and I think your decision to just wait and see is a good one.

Hugs to all and have a good Thursday!!
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Mother in law does not understand, 94 yrs. old, that she needs to be in a nursing facility to be cared for and her 74 and 67 year old sons who are both in bad health are unable to take her in and care for her. She has been nasty and rude to the daughter in laws all her life and now she does not understand why they are saying no and using her defensive mechanism and stating she has no family. I am so angry with her but am worried who will be responsible for her when she has to leave her residence by December 1 due to the sale of the home, which is not her home.
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Juju~I am glad you checked in! It has been a hard summer for you and I hope you are able to get the house back together. I am sure your mother is more comfortable at home too. Let us know how you are doing! Hugs to you.
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I was lucky with two older ladies that helped me with mom, of course I knew my mom would not hurt or verbally abuse these ladies because mom reserved that only for family. One of the women who helped me was a volunteer for the famous organization that starts sending you membership requests as soon as you turn 50 (every time I use their name this website changes it to insurance) it is known by 4 Capital letters.I explained to her about my mother having always been abusive and distrusting, she understood which surprised me but she also knew that my sister and I were not out to take my mom's money and house for ourselves. The other woman was a former co-worker of my mom's and she told me over and over again how she just loved my mom and how my mom helped her at work when no one else would, she thinks the world of my mom...so of course I could not confide in her about how my mom was with family members. Of course, if one of these ladies called me to chastise me about my behavior....I would have been very angry and probably would have let them know that they do not have the whole story and since it is a family matter, I want to leave as such. I have POA and am in contact with my mother's attorney, he/she knows what is going on so if you have any questions, you can call him/her. In most cases a nosy neer do well will back off as soon as you mention an attorney.

Jinx~thank you for sharing the info on rogaine. I read on one website that using baking soda to wash your hair is good because it removes clogging in follicles that shampoos cause, then rinse with cider vinegar to stimulate the scalp. I will let you all know if rogaine works for my sister.
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Emjo, The next time M talks to you after seeing your mother, you could open by saying, "What did Mother tell you this time?" It's sort of normal for me to believe what I'm hearing. By saying that, you might remind her that your mother isn't a reliable reporter.

On hair loss, I do use generic Rogaine, as a female. It doesn't work wonders, but I end up with lots of short new hairs that cover my scalp more, so I keep using it.
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