
Many of us, myself included, come from a dysfunctional family which adds a lot of weight to the challenges of caregiving. I have read stores on various threads on other topics and decided it would be good to have a thread just for this topic for people to share, vent and discuss.
The idea for this thread originated on the thread named "The Caregiver....How are YOU doing today?"
Is this a recent diagnosis you received about your mom?
You may want to read up about Dementia. It may help you to understand, what happens to people with the disease. Sure we have the dysfunction going on with other family menbers, and many times w/our sick loved one, but at least you can look at some of this another way also. It does help.
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
I completely agree that we need some form of saying goodbye.
Very thoughtful of your friends
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
I am so sorry to hear about your friends.
After the death of the woman, week ago here.....I know there will be no service for her either, at least in our state. Her remains were apparently sent to Chicago, where she was from.
I must check up on our neighbor, R (her friend who found her deceased).
My husband saw him briefly yesterday, and asked him if he was over the shock of that experience, and he told my husband he was not. Understandably so!
I'm not either. So I think some time next week I'll make dinner for the three of us, in a small remembrance of her.
May all their spirits soar very high,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
Very sorry to hear about your friends. It is always such a shock to lose someone suddenly this way.
Last week my niece ended up in a ditch too. She was lucky but she was using her cell phone. She is old enough to know better but people still do it. I have to replace a tire, you can't replace a life.
Hugs to you, such a sad thing to happen!
it has been a he'll of a day. Moms sister was here a good part of it which was quite stressful. Went through some of the selfish sib stuff with her. She has so easily manipulated by sisters, just incredible. My kids are all over 29 years old, auntie dearest was told by the professional counselor sis that I will not allow them to see her. REALLY? All are married, have their own homes, etc. I have told them that if sister is invited to a function I will not be there, but have also told them if they want to see her, fine, just don't share it with me. Lots of talk related to POA sis that has lied about so much. She is about to be caught, and it won't be pretty. Just desserts.
It's good to hear from you, I was wondering about you.
Congratulations about qualifying for the state program.
Now you can at least have access to medical. This is really good news.
Your last sentence made me laugh, that you never thought you'd look forward to therapy.
How is your mother these days?
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
When mother's sister died, on account of how close they used to be, and lived together of course mom went to the funeral. She's 92 w/ALZ. She initially would ask about her sister, or remember her passing. That's been almost going on close to 2 yrs., now. We noticed she was depressed several mos. after her passing, but now she hardly brings it up at all. Oh, and my dad's passing which was now 12 yrs., ago she never talks about him at all. But even when she still had her memory, we noticed she'd hardly mention dad. We thought this was rather weird. But oh well, that's our mother......has always been really disconnected from feelings to begin with.
Yes, I really think it serves no purpose to tell them. A couple of relatives from her generation have passed in the last year, and we saw no reason to tell her, she hardly had seen either of them in an awfully long, long time.
I'm so sorry about your financial issues you are experiencing right now, too.
You're in my thoughts Glad!
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
I drive to Modesto, pull into the shopping center parking lot...I took the turn a little to wide, hit the curb with my right front tire blowing it out on impact. I pull in to a parking space. I have my priorities so I went into Pier 1 Imports to buy my pillows!!! Then I called triple A to come change my tire for me, LOL!!!
I don't know now if the pillows even on clearance were worth the drive...all I care is that I am back home and I got my vacation pay so everything is caught it...hmmm, LOL!!
Before I go, I just wanted to say that I'm taking an online free course on dementia. I am sooo behind on it... But, I am learning a lot of stuff that is helping me to deal with father. Yes, I watched Teepa's videos. Yes, I read here on AC what to expect and to set boundaries, etc... But I don't know HOW to do this. Anyway, as I take this course, I'm learning to Understand father Intectually. I'm nerdy, bookish - I'm finally understanding what dementia does to people. I find myself treating father nicer. I struggle with emotions. But reading something online from John Hopkins is very helpful for me. Therapy will deal with the emotional side of me. While this online course will help me intellectually to Understand what is happening to father. And I don't have to react to him emotionally. boy am i tired.....
Well...I received a letter, not to long ago, stating my financial status (food stamp program recipient) now qualifies me for the state health insurance program at the first of the year, I am excited about that and being able to take better care of myself....I just scanned it but it said therapy, eye and dental care could be included....those three are much needed right now as well as getting check up female and other health issues under control!
I never thought I would be so excited about therapy till I became a Caregiver!!!
I have planned on doing the same thing. When mom's husband passes, I will not tell her, we will go to the service, then I will not remind her any longer. Why in the world would I want to put her through that grief over and over again.
With her parents it is much more difficult because of the way she asks. She knows somewhere in her brain that they are gone. If I tell her that she just talked with her mom a few days ago, then she will ask "oh, is she still alive?" Quite odd, I then tell her that she passed 12 years ago, at 101, and it was time.
And sometimes the opposite occurs, siblings think that antidepressants will help with the shock and despair of a loved one passing away. This happens with my mom, her parents passed away years ago, but because of the dementia, she does not remember. Each time it is as if it is completely new, which to her it is. There is not an antidepressant that will fix that sort of thing, only a cure for Alzheimer's.
The dentist changed his plan again. They only took impressions yesterday, Nov 20 I will get most of the work done, - including he tells me now a bone graft in the front before a transplant. So I will not be able to visit my sis when she is here. However I have a massive sinus headache today - had one the other day too. Maybe the weather changes. Woke up early (4:30) and baked muffins, made ratatouille, a hamburger stir fry dish and some mac cheese for G's lunches. I find I can do more in one hour early than in 2 hours later, but now I am wiped. I hate taking meds for the headache but may have to, as I need a nap to catch up and get rid of the pain. Always something!!! . Looks like my gut issues are setting down thankfully. I have been OK without meds the last couple of day - and that after 3 yrs. on meds of one sort or another!!! Unpasteurized sauerkraut is a great probiotic other than capsules, as I am allergic to dairy, and lentils and other legumes are great prebiotics .
nap is calling
It sounds like your mother is on Namenda too. I suggest you google daughtersofnarcissisticmothers. Many of us on here are dealing with a parent (usually a mother) with a personality disorder. If you want to walk...I can't blame you and most therapists will advice those of us who were raised with abuse to not take on the caregiving role because the issues of the past come in to play as well as present abuses. If your mother has a personality disorder (mental illness), nothing you do will make her happy, she will always find fault (none of which will her own). You say she has set it up so everyone will be against each other...that confuses me because you said you are an only child. I take it that there are other relatives involved...at least regarding her will. Taking care of this kind of parent is not a requirement to be a good person. You have to put your health first!!
If there is not current DPOA and she refuses to get one, the only choice I am aware of is to call the Area Agency on Aging and request that a social worker come and takl with your mother giving her options. Does she live with you or do you live with her? Are you financially dependent on your mother? If your mother is mentally incapacitated you can have the state take over her care...this means they will take control of her monies/assets for her care.
With the state taking over, there will be a court hearing where a guardian will be appointed by the state. If your mother needs to be place in a facility they will do it. Not a bad thing when you consider that you need to take care of yourself first before you can help someone else...this is why you are not expendable!!
Google the site I suggested, also google detaching with love and setting boundaries with toxic people. My mother has a personality disorder and Alzheimer's. It was very difficult in 2012 with her. I wanted to walk too, my sister helps also. But I totally understand someone walking. I am sure others one here will have other suggestions for you as well. Keep us posted ok!! My sister friend, you matter and don't forget it♥
I want to ask you 1) do you have a DPOA so you can make medical and financial decisions for your mother?
2) Have you called the Area Agency on Aging in your county/city. They have many programs that your mother may qualify for that will include getting respite time for you.
3) How advanced is the dementia, is mom on any medications that may help to reduce her anxiety without over sedating her, and are you living with your mother?
Big HUGS to you!!
Pita~I am glad you talked with an attorney. You sound more relaxed about the situation and I think your decision to just wait and see is a good one.
Hugs to all and have a good Thursday!!
Jinx~thank you for sharing the info on rogaine. I read on one website that using baking soda to wash your hair is good because it removes clogging in follicles that shampoos cause, then rinse with cider vinegar to stimulate the scalp. I will let you all know if rogaine works for my sister.
On hair loss, I do use generic Rogaine, as a female. It doesn't work wonders, but I end up with lots of short new hairs that cover my scalp more, so I keep using it.