The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Sharyn, here on island, I see a lot of ladies with balding heads. And even younger ones in their 40's. I think I'm going to be joining those group. My older sis that I spent time in Hawaii...she said that all her kids are balding. My hair is so thin now, that I wear it as a bob haircut for years. Now, it's much shorter because it's thinner. I keep wondering how far am I willing to go to hide my baldness. I've seen several women cut it short and then sleep with curlers so that it curls over their balding head. Or be like that brave woman who walked into the office with most of her head bald and a few wispy hairs on the back of her head. Or will I follow my aunty and wear a wig? So, I don't know if it's hereditary or not.

My sister calls this autoimmune disease Alopecia areata

Just out of curiosity...does anyone know anything about an autoimmune disease that causes female baldness??

The family history:
My father had very thick wavy hair as he aged his got got thinner and in his 70's there was some baldness on the crown of his head.

My mother had very thick, curly/wavy hair as she aged her hair went from course hair to fine hair and now at the age of 85, she has thin hair...I see this as normal age related hair thinning for both my parents.

However, on my mother's side, her brothers all developed the horseshoe baldness on the top of their heads. Known as Male Pattern Baldness. I learned in college this is caused from 2 factors...1) inherited from the mother's side of the family but...2)can only happen if the male has the gene and a higher than normal amount of testosterone.

My eldest brother has male pattern baldness...so does my son. Both my brother and my son had thick curly hair but in their 20's started losing handfuls on a daily basis. Both my brother and my son are very hairy otherwise...can grow full breads in 4-5 days, hairy backs, chests and arms, LOL!!

I bring this up because my sister has me confused. She told me yesterday she was diagnosed with a new autoimmune disease called male pattern baldness. Her dr. took a sample of her scalp for a biopsy and that was the diagnoses. My sister has always had thin wispy hair. I have very thick curly/wavy hair that has become more fine (was coarse when younger).

My second oldest brother had thick wavy hair too. He is 62 now..his hair is thinning and following the pattern of our father.

Is my sister confused about this being an autoimmune disease? My understanding of male pattern baldness is not something that comes on suddenly even for a woman. From what I read online, the autoimmune disease that causes this in women is sudden.

I am not trying to prove my sister wrong. It just doesn't make sense to what I learned about baldness yet I understand that new info is always being discovered that changes old info. Keep in mind...my sister is calling this male pattern baldness...just doesn't make since according to what I was taught. Any info from all of you would be appreciated.

Not much here except the hot water on the kitchen faucet is not working. Not dys issue just a household issue. I looked online...it said it was probably a dislodged washer or a washer that has dissolved. Hot water everywhere else in the house is fine. This is life..LOL!!

Joan~How frustrating to have someone call you gently telling you off because they do not understand the whole situation. It sounds like you handled it well while it caused you some emotional concern, It sounds like you have a good handle on it...not wanting to discount this person's concern so she won't contact you in the future. Your mother must be very upset about being moved..the adjustment takes times and can/will cause her to act out more. Hugs to you!!

Pita601~If your mother is in the beginning of Alz...she is most likely not incapacitated yet. Can she still handle her finances? Is she confused with her daily mail...can't understand the difference between junk mail asking for donations and actual bills that she needs to pay? My mother was diagnosed as mentally incapacitated in April of this year. I guess her to be at stage 6-7. She could not tell the dr. her birthday, the day of the week, what month it was, she knew what state she was in, what city she was in but that was it.

What is Alzheimer's
Alzheimer's symptoms vary. The stages below provide a general idea of how abilities change during the course of the disease.

Stage 1: No impairment
Stage 2: Very mild decline
Stage 3: Mild decline
Stage 4: Moderate decline
Stage 5: Moderately severe decline
Stage 6: Severe decline
Stage 7: Very severe decline

Not everyone will experience the same symptoms or progress at the same rate. This seven-stage framework is based on a system developed by Barry Reisberg, M.D., clinical director of the New York University School of Medicine's Silberstein Aging and Dementia Research Center.

Stage 1: No impairment (normal function)
The person does not experience any memory problems. An interview with a medical professional does not show any evidence of symptoms of dementia.

Stage 2: Very mild cognitive decline (may be normal age-related changes or earliest signs of Alzheimer's disease)
The person may feel as if he or she is having memory lapses — forgetting familiar words or the location of everyday objects. But no symptoms of dementia can be detected during a medical examination or by friends, family or co-workers.

Stage 3: Mild cognitive decline (early-stage Alzheimer's can be diagnosed in some, but not all, individuals with these symptoms)
Friends, family or co-workers begin to notice difficulties. During a detailed medical interview, doctors may be able to detect problems in memory or concentration. Common stage 3 difficulties include:
Noticeable problems coming up with the right word or name

Trouble remembering names when introduced to new people
Having noticeably greater difficulty performing tasks in social or work settings Forgetting material that one has just read
Losing or misplacing a valuable object
Increasing trouble with planning or organizing

Stage 4:
Moderate cognitive decline
(Mild or early-stage Alzheimer's disease)
At this point, a careful medical interview should be able to detect clear-cut symptoms in several areas:
Forgetfulness of recent events
Impaired ability to perform challenging mental arithmetic — for example, counting backward from 100 by 7s
Greater difficulty performing complex tasks, such as planning dinner for guests, paying bills or managing finances
Forgetfulness about one's own personal history
Becoming moody or withdrawn, especially in socially or mentally challenging situations

Stage 5: Moderately severe cognitive decline
(Moderate or mid-stage Alzheimer's disease)
Gaps in memory and thinking are noticeable, and individuals begin to need help with day-to-day activities. At this stage, those with Alzheimer's may:
Be unable to recall their own address or telephone number or the high school or college from which they graduated
Become confused about where they are or what day it is
Have trouble with less challenging mental arithmetic; such as counting backward from 40 by subtracting 4s or from 20 by 2s
Need help choosing proper clothing for the season or the occasion
Still remember significant details about themselves and their family
Still require no assistance with eating or using the toilet

Stage 6: Severe cognitive decline
(Moderately severe or mid-stage Alzheimer's disease)
Memory continues to worsen, personality changes may take place and individuals need extensive help with daily activities. At this stage, individuals may:
Lose awareness of recent experiences as well as of their surroundings
Remember their own name but have difficulty with their personal history

Remember:
It is difficult to place a person with Alzheimer's in a specific stage as stages may overlap.

Distinguish familiar and unfamiliar faces but have trouble remembering the name of a spouse or caregiver
Need help dressing properly and may, without supervision, make mistakes such as putting pajamas over daytime clothes or shoes on the wrong feet
Experience major changes in sleep patterns — sleeping during the day and becoming restless at night
Need help handling details of toileting (for example, flushing the toilet, wiping or disposing of tissue properly)
Have increasingly frequent trouble controlling their bladder or bowels
Experience major personality and behavioral changes, including suspiciousness and delusions (such as believing that their caregiver is an impostor)or compulsive, repetitive behavior like hand-wringing or tissue shredding
Tend to wander or become lost

Stage 7: Very severe cognitive decline
(Severe or late-stage Alzheimer's disease)
In the final stage of this disease, individuals lose the ability to respond to their environment, to carry on a conversation and, eventually, to control movement. They may still say words or phrases.
At this stage, individuals need help with much of their daily personal care, including eating or using the toilet. They may also lose the ability to smile, to sit without support and to hold their heads up. Reflexes become abnormal. Muscles grow rigid. Swallowing impaired.

I this helps you to understand more where your mother is at. Hugs to you!!

snorkelcat~Have you called the Area Agency On Aging in your county or city? Ask for a Social Worker to come out and talk with your brother about his options for care. I don't know how old your brother is, if he qualifies for state care...medicare or medicaid?? Is he on state disability? Such a sad situation but there must be something out there to help him. Hugs to you for caring and wanting to help!!

I had something similar today. A lady from mother's church visits her weekly and then updates me sometimes. Today she said that mother comprehends that I have full control of her finances, but it is too bad that I did not discuss it with mother first. BTW full control, in fact, means that I go to the bank once a month to get a copy of her bank statement, Mother carries on as she always has, but I need to see what her cash flow is and explain to her when she thinks money is missing. Anyway, I felt gently "told off" by this visitor and explained to her that I had talked with mother back in July and mother had asked if she needed to sign anything so I could have access to her account., I said it was already done. Obviously mother has forgotten the conversation - no surprise, but the visitor might have given me the benefit of the doubt. It is the old victim game if the personality disorder. and mother does not really benefit from someone commiserating with her. Oh well.
Mother's apartment was flooded from an apartment above so she has been moved to another one till repairs are done.. I am glad the visitor took her out and listened to her. and explained that she didn't cause it, Mother was afraid they were going to charge her for repairs.
Over the flu, but the candida is not settled and now I am pretty sure my thyroid dose is too low. it would explain the worsening fatigue and a bunch of other stuff.,. Thankfully that is an easy fix. I get the results tomorrow but have increased my dose and am starting to feel better. Major work at the dentist on Wednesday - oh, what fun!!!

I have recorded conversations that I have had with my mom because nobody believed what I would tell them I bought a digital Sony recorder at Wal-Mart so I could download these conversations to my computer and e-mail them to those doubting Thomas's in my family. Didn't help much but did get an OMG response. I guess since I deal with it all the time it should become a walk in the park. IF ONLY! This job should require a degree in drama, always trying to figure out how to adlib something.

Yes, humor can always save the day, especially if we can laugh at ourselves! I was talking to my brother who is still in the hospital, detoxing from pain medication. He had a knee replacement over a month ago, and just got out of rehab for his knee. The rehab hospital sent home the extremely strong pain medication that the hospital sent over with him from his knee surgery. He is bi-polar, and has had prescription meds. addiction before. He lives by himself. He called me from his Dr/s office 3 days after being home and announces that he has thrown all of his pain medicine away. His insurance has run out. The Dr. office can not get him admitted anywhere except threw the emergengy room, so they had him "Baker Acted". He has been in the phyc. hospital 6 days now, and is supposedly detoxed from the pain medicine he was on. Problem is, whatever they have him on now, phycotrophic (sp) meds. have him so wiped out, he can hardly talk, or function.
A human resourse person called me today and asked me the name of the rehab that my brother had just gotten out of, because he couldn't remember. While talking with my brother, this evening he ask me if the human resourse person ever figured out what she was doing..... I reminded him that he was the one that couldn't even remember where he had been staying for a month.... He started laughing. It's a sad, scary situation. I still have no place for him to go, as he is afraid he will overdose if he goes back home by himself. Can the phych hospital just release him, while he is still so heavily drugged? I bought him a nice RV to live in, and he has been doing fine for over a year, until his knee replacement. I don't know where to turn. I have talked to the councel on aging, here in Florida, they have done an assessment, but the waiting list is 24months. I don't know where to turn. I rent an apt., and have a roommate. He can't live with me. I posted the total dysfunction earlier, so I won't go into that again, but tomorrow is almost here, and I don't know where to turn. One person sends me to another person, etc. , but no insurance left, no money, no one has any answers.

Thanks Margeaux! Yes - my humor (sick at times) has come in handy! I think my favorite was when I was in labor with my 4th child - new dr was there and said I was in too good of a mood and it would be hours....um - had he seen my chart - 4th kid...not hours - minutes! Should have seen him run in when I started to push! Lol!

As far as my kids - daughter- goes- I try to see who they really are - and I think my biggest struggle is with my youngest son who still lives with us at 23. I do baby him and Can't help it. He calls me a helicopter...and I guess I am. Drives the siblings crazy. My daughter has been a challenge since she was 2 - so strong willed. I do need to say my husband has been a good reality check for me when it comes to the kids. He taught high school for 35 years and pretty much saw it all. I'll tell you - people that critize other parents etc really do need to walk a mile in their shoes.

Didn't get to do my counciling with the eye movement therapy yet - Friday...will be interesting! She was pretty glad too that I haven't seen mom too. And interestingly enough - no word at the AL place she is - no word - so she must be doing fine! All show.

A trick for staying positive that worked for me was for every negative thing I said - I had to say two positive ones. It was a new years resolution a long time ago - hard - but helped!

Hugs to all!!

@Jinx4740 I want to tape it to prove to a lawyer or to possibly let my brother hear when she calls me during the day how she is. Because my brother claims she is ok and not in the beginning of Alzheimers. I want to let him hear what I hear. And possibly her doctors. this is all new to me and coming from a dysfunctinal family I need to find an answer, I know I cannot trust my brother or his wife.

Cheawee,
You should not feel guilty because you ARE giving your all - All you can without losing your mind!

Are you a Cinderella child? I might have made up that name, but I know it exists. The child who is treated worst ends up taking care of the abusive parent, trying to win their love. Please do a decent job, but don't hope to make her see how worthy you are, because it is all in her mind, and doesn't have anything to do with what a good person you are. Try to free yourself from that wish, so you can be more at peace. There are people in the world who know you and love you. Trust their opinion of you, not the opinion of your abuser. Bless you.

Floridadee -
Who do you want to prove it to? You can't prove it to her, and it's a bad idea to try. I think it's fair to tape it to show a sibling or doctor a sample of her behavior.

do you all think it's fair to tape a conversation with my mom to prove she is incompetent? I would advise her before hand that I'm taping..she wouldn't know whats what anyhow.

Margeaux~All the people I know who use medical marijuana use it to get high not medical reason. However, I suppose if I needed it for medical reason, I would give it a try. To be honest though, I tried it in my teen years and it made me paranoid so I don't think I could handle it now anymore than I could then, LOL!!

As far as my sister goes, she is not seeing this man and yes she can make her own decisions. I only wrote about it because I can see the similarity of the description of a BPD of how they attach themselves to a man quickly, idolizing the man. If she wants to get involved with a man, it is her life and her right to do so.

Hugs to you,
Sharyn

Sharynmarie,

This made me laugh when you wrote about your sister's boyfriend smoking Marijuana. You can be 99.9% sure that if you go to a Jimmy Buffet concert, there's going to be lot's of puffing. Besides, your sister is a big girl,
and these are decisions for her to make about her own life, Also, there is medical marijuana use, even though.....people liken it I guess to the bootlegging days of Alcohol. I have friends who smoke it because they've had Cancer, and
Arthritis.

I am sorry to hear that your mom is upset.
Well, at least she made you laugh a little.

Much Love & LIght! Margeaux

Sad1daughter,

I really like your blatant honesty about your own daughter.
It sounds as if from your descriptions of her, you realize that there is something about an adult child taking some responsibility for THEIR own actions.
I am not just talking about somehthing such as drinking either, I'm talking about attitudes. This is refreshing to hear from a mother.

Yes, if you have humor, I say you have a lot! I try to always keep this in my bag of tricks. I've noticed that every now and again, if I've allowed life to become too heavy, because of my own perspective towards difficult issues, then if I start to feel as if I've lost my sense of humor, Im in some deep sh**t! So I get back on track, and try to see something funny in many things, which for me isn't too hard.
If it is for some of you I suggest to watch some real funny movies, or get together w/someone who can provide funny for you.

Good for you that you haven't been to mother's.
Take a break! Much deserved, might I add

Much Love & Light,
Margeaux

Mom was pretty upset today when I went to see her. I wasn't aware my sister told them to remove her phone again. She was crying and angry but was not yelling. My sister finally told me she had them remove the phone, she talked privately with a med tech to have them give mom a xanax to calm her down so we could take her to lunch. The longer we were there she became calmer and slowly the xanax kicked in to help too. Mom always the negative one, said "I guess I will Just live until I die!!!" So melodramatic but very funny...Of course we all will live until we die, LOL!! I think she meant I will live here until I die. We went to lunch, mom complaining about her eyes (surgery is an option but we don't want to do it), my sis told her it is only one eye affected. Mom being hard of hearing, said, "I only have one eye??" Then she covered her left eye with her left hand...removed it, then covered her right eye with her right hand, saying "I HAVE TWO EYES!" I had to turn away because I was laughing so hard.

houndmother, cheawee and Floridee~Welcome!! Come back and vent, share, just join in when you are ready.

You can paste it on my wall...

Cool another venting thread for me.. My family once was a happy family, until $$ became the factor and importance to my parents. Sadly dad is gone and last month I lost my younger brother to Chrons, but Mom was the major Greed Hunter. Yes my parents worked hard in their lives , saved, and flourished. But at the cost of the family. Today she is alone ,beginning stages of Alzheimers and now between my other brother & his $$ eyed wife,and her the greed continues... The things I find important in for our mom my brother and wife reject because it involves $$ that doesn't belong to them and they are on a hunt to get it.. So this is a great thread to compare notes and feelings..thanks

Ifound a recipe for black eyed peas and pork chops using smoked paprika. If anyone is interested I can post it on your private wall. Much less sodium and fat.

Sorry for your loss..
The human response to others suffering, by people who care for them, is to be relieved for them (and then for us, Alzheimer's has only one conclusion, that they will have it until they die) when their journeys resolve.

Yes it is twice, once for the disease and once to death, but in dysfunctional families, you lose them three times.

Anyway, we are not in control, of the when it's the right time for anything and we always wish we had more time but the thing is...our loved ones (whether we felt loved or not, it is what it is) are inside our being, if not our genes and while they may be gone, in a weird way they are still with us...

...ugh Denny's used to be good, didn't eat there for 13 years went back about 6 months ago and I wont touch them with a ten foot pole! Ham hocks and beans are good but I would precook them to get rid of the grease (they can be roasted in the oven, while the beans are doing their hour soak while softening and put in the onion, garlic, carrots, celery black pepper bay leaf, all spice and lemon.

The bone gives it good flavor and the fat does too, but when I get done cooking I put it in the fridge and remove the fat that collects at the top. Some people use salt pork, but every meat has fat, I guess we could just use the bones.

Some people just boil the beans and use them even cold like same way you would use boiled potatoes with onions, celery (or what ever) a little olive oil and vinegar.
Greek salad dressing and house dressing are about the same.

This is a topic that hits right in my heart, I am my mother's main caretaker how I got appointed I'm not sure but it is what it is now. I'm trying to do the best I can. We are a very dysfunctional family. I thought I had a handle on it until I became her caretaker, then the mental abuse started all over again, well at least it wasn't physical this time as well. There were 4 children in all, me being the youngest. She was married like 7 times but has been single for the last 20 years, she treats me like I owe her this because she raised me. And basically tells me this. I'm not sure why or how I let her put me on such a guilty trip but I do. I want her to be safe and taken care of so that's what I try and do. Why is it the ones she thinks is perfect is the ones who arn't there taking care of her? I've been there everyday for the past 5 years straight and put off my own husband and family. All the while she expects more and more. Don't get me wrong I love my mother and I am glad I'm able to take care of her and when I start feeling this way,I feel guilty because maybe I'm not giving my all. And this is true dysfunction..... Sorry just need to vent a little.

I'm definitely in on this thread. Coming from a home full of "heavy drinkers" with an 80 yr old father with dementia and Parkinson's, whose primary caretaker is his wife - our stepmother. She has become nasty, mean, and passive-aggressive, a real "victim" of having to take care of her husband in his decline. I would like to help out, but I am the one she hates the most. So I'm really struggling with how to be of any help here, much less how to communicate with my father anymore. His wife is doing her best to put as much distance between me and my father as possible. If I weren't in a 12 step program myself I'd have no idea of how to deal with this. I may just be powerless over parts of it, most certainly her anger. Will be good to hear from others - maybe we can help each other out.

I got off work at 9pm. saturday. Since I am off Sunday, Hubby and discussed going in the mountains. He said he would be working graveyard shift saturday and I wanted to do all the driving he would go. I told him Friday no..not a good idea since he was working graveyard shift. Then he said, I am working a regular day shift Saturday. I still said no...because he needs to have rest especially since the stroke.

After I got off work, I drove to an area here in town that is a regular residential area but only for older adults with no children. They can have grandchildren visit and stay for a couple weeks but the area does not allow adults with children living with them full time. There is a water feature with fountains and a building with lighted windows reflecting in the water. I wanted to check it out for possible pictures. I got home about 9:30 and hubby wasn't home.

I went about my business of logging on the computer, thinking hubby went somewhere...I checked my cell, the landline for messages..none. I tried to log on to google which my computer is set up to automatically go to google but it wouldn't. Xfinity, who is our internet server...kept popping up so I had to go through them to get internet service. I tried calling them for a couple hours finally got hold of someone who said their tools to help were done and wouldn't be available for about 4 hours. By this time it was 12:30am...hubby still not home. I am starting to get concerned, a little panicked.

I decided to call his work #, he answered but could not hear me. I hung up. He called back but still no connection. I called him back...this time he could hear me..I said I thought you were working a regular day shift. He said I did. I said I was getting concerned because you weren't here..he laughed. I was imaging all kinds thinks that could have gone wrong...Xfinity was p*##ing me off, he said, no... I told you I was working a regular day shift and doubling back on graveyard.

LOL...now!!! I guess I understand where my son gets his communication skills...or mine are still lacking due to dysfunction!!

Anyway a great article on here about "The Benefits Of Befriending Yourself"...check it out!!!

Snorkelcat~Sometimes when family members see you are willing, they take advantage. My sis and I share responsibilities taking care of our mother who is in memory care. Sis told me before we placed our mother, because of her own health problems, I will have to take of her too. Sis lives about a 45 minute drive from where I and mom live, she is five years older than me, has stage 4 type 2 diabetes, very low blood pressure that causes her fatigue, weakness and light headedness to the point that she did pass out in a store in her town. She is severely depressed and so far the psychiatrist has not found an antidepressant that helps her.She is controlling, has trouble still getting along with our mother who has Alzheimer's and prior to that were the issue with mom's personality disorder. I told sis when we moved mom into the AL that she needs to have a serious talk with her daughters about her future because I won't be able to take care of her with her living 45 minutes away while still working and taking care of mom. She admitted she would probably have to move to Kentucky to be with her daughters, yet she still has not talked with them about it. She told me this morning she is having Parkinisonism symptoms. I don't know if this is her self diagnosis, or if the dr. told her this. She said the psychiatrist upped her dosage of Wellbutrin and that is what is causing it. The dr.'s don't seem to be concerned. She said she only has the symptoms during the first couple hours upon rising in the morning. The point I am trying to make is...I would not be able to take care of my sister because she is too much like my mother without the Alzheimer's She refused to move back to our town because she doesn't want to give up her big house but she can't take care of it either. Now she is stuck due to the economy but I have a husband too. Stand your ground because you can only do so much without putting your own health, financial situation in ruin to help someone who doesn't want to see the truth.

Ladanak~Your message is well taken and God Bless you and your mother!

snorkelcat--so sorry to hear about your situation. When it's our parents we feel we owe them care in their old age. I have a brother who is in assisted living, and thank God, my oldest son takes care of him and his affairs. I hope you have friends to rely on, and from experience I can say, do what you have to, but don't feel guilty. Put yourself first, as you can't keep giving without filling up your own cup first or you'll just plain run dry. Best of luck.