The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

dysfunctional family siblings- I had to move my older brother, 65 from Houston to Florida, to be near me, as i am the only family member left. When my mother died, he sold the house that was supposed to be for both of us, when we got older, then as executor of my trust, he also went through that money. He is disabled due to arthritis. I purchased a nice RV from him to live in, because of credit problems and background, could not get him in any apartments, etc. He just had a knee replacement, was in rehab for a month, and now he is addicted to the pain medicine. I don't have the patience to deal with him, I don't enjoy being around him, and he can be mean to me. I feel guilty when I don't due more for him, and resent it when I have to help him. There is no one else. I am at my wits end.

God bless this site ! It is sent from heaven ! A great place to unload safely about cra families usually not the sick one , it's the siblings that come in every 3 months and tell you what your doing wrong in your own house with your dying mother, I have taken care of my mother since my dad died of cancer two years ago ( I took care of him too cuz my mother was in a wheelchair at that time! My sisters just want what little money that will be left or they would never come . Oh they act like they are concerned but they live two hours away and never come see her ! When they do they question everything I do and I'm doing my best which my mother loves I'm the baby of family and I never moved away so we are closer and my dad had papers drawn up given me dopa of both of them, which caused problems with them so they don't help me ,anyway . I love my mother and she wasn't perfect as a mother but she did her best and the more helpless she gets the more I wish I had let my childhood challenges go long ago!!! So those of you holding on to past hurts that you know thAt they did their best ! Let it go !!!! My mom is on hospice and in her last days and I see that I wasted a lot of time being angry at childhood problems( I was molested by my uncle and no charges were filed , it was blamed on me and I was 5 years old! ) it has been 42 years ago but I'm still in therapy ! But my mom just did all she knew in the 70s . Don't tell anyone wich I struggled with , I forgive her and I will lose her soon and I'm soooo sad that I wasted one day in anger . Thank you for this site 😘

Thanks again Emjo, Sharyn and Sad1daughter,
for the hugs, and advice. I just felt so shell shocked that day.
Yesterday, I still felt it.....but today Sat., it's starting to dissipate.
Yes, I know it will be hard to forget about something like this, but am going to try to.

I think what hit me hard about the situation is that other neighbor of ours, the one that used to share Vanilla the cat w/us, until last Feb. She and P were friends since they were 10 yrs. old, I learned. P, was a very tormented soul, poor thing.
So throughout the time I've lived here, going on 11 yrs., now I know they really weren't on speaking terms most of the time. Every now and again, they seemed to try to fix their friendship, but never could. However, especially the last two years......of P's life the rest of us like R, and my husband, me got it, that P aside from her very extreme health problems, had lot's of mental problems also.
Particularly, R and I had been involved w/her helping out here and there.
I just could not believe how her friend from soooooo long couldn't rise above everything, take the high road and be more concerned about P, in a genuine way. So it's interesting, that now after P died, guess who went into P's apt., to do major clean up, which I couldn't believe! The friend did. On account of the fact that I know about the lack of friendship situation, I thought: "WOW, a little TOO MUCH, too late! This friend admitted to R, that she felt guilty blah, blah, blah! Anyway, this is what for me made the situation particularly sad. Here, you supposedly have an old friend from your past who lives smack dab in front of you,
but she was so removed from anything, and real concerns about P during these last couple years, now she's jumping in.

O.K., Got lot's to catch up on today,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

We are expected by siblings to give up everything for nothing. I am in a very difficult financial position. I have a home equity line of credit on my home that had the balloon payment due two years ago. At that time the bank extended it for a year because I had just lost my job and started caring for mom within weeks of each other. A year ago, the bank gave me another year because at that time a caregiver agreement was being "worked on". At that time the bank told me they would not extend it as a HELOC again. So, here I am a year later, with the loan due this next week, and no way to pay it off. The bank will provide an amortized loan now but a payment that I cannot afford. The caregiver agreement has not happened and became a very ugly family situation with siblings. I don't know what I am going to do yet, but it is absolutely frightening. I am expected to give up everything I have worked for through my entire life to do this job for nothing which will benefit sibs. Just very, very, angry, frightened and frustrated this morning.

Nobody should do this job for nothing to the benefit of other beneficiaries. If my home is foreclosed on, if I decide not to take the loan, not even Medicaid will toss me out of my mother's home after successfully keeping her in her home.

Sharyn----I agree with you on the long illnesses giving you time to grieve all along. My Dad had Parkinson's Syndrome, caused by a mild stroke. He had no tremors, but the rigidity in the muscles, etc. He fell a lot, and became incontinent, and for a man who had always had such dignity (and patience with my mother), it was so embarrassing for him. I have to give my mother some credit for taking care of him during his final difficult years It was hard work, but like everything else she does, she was mean about it, and demeaning to him. She had no patience with him, and now when I see he having the same problems he had (like a constantly running nose) I remember the nasty things she would say to him, and wonder how she would like to be treated that way. One day I remember her saying out loud,
" why don't you die old man?" He and I just looked at each other in shock and said nothing. We were so used to taking her abuse, and sometimes it was so awful, you were just dumbfounded. Back then I had no skills to cope with her. But I digress.........the point was that when I visited them in December (he died in Feb), I asked him how he was doing, and he looked at me and said, "I'm tired, Sher." I knew he meant he was ready to go, and I just said "I understand". So when he died, I was happy for him to escape his physical suffering, the humiliation of his condition, and the mistreatment from my mother. I had already cried many tears during the years of his illness. I'm sure at the wake people must have thought I was callous. Old friends I hadn't seen since childhood came, and we were laughing and talking, and took some photos together. I also took photos of Dad in his casket, which some people find macabre, but I felt this was the last time I'd see his physical form, and I wanted to remember every minute. Now, even mother says she's glad I took the pictures. In the old days people did that all the time, and having seem photos in the family albums of ancestors in caskets, surrounded by flowers, was what gave me the idea. To me it's like recording the completion of a person's life, from baby pictures to their death.

In December of 2012 my mom fell in her kitchen and drug herself to her bedroom where her cell phone was. She ended up laying there for 7 hours. My brother arrived and not knowing how long she'd been laying got her to her feet, asked if she was ok, she said yes, he started to leave the room and she fell again. This time she hit her head, the end result was stitches and a brain bleed. She was 80 at the time. When she was 32 she had a stroke that caused her to loose the use of her left side. She raised 4 kids alone. I believe looking back she had some mental health issues that never were diagnosed. As kids we were verbally abused and never understood what was going to set her off. We would do something that was obviously wrong (once I cut her clothes with scissors) she would take no notice of it. But one day you might be eating supper and she'd go into a rant that we never understood.
After her fall she was put in ICU they found she had breast cancer. I was sure she was going to die. For the first time in my life she was kind to me, she was glad when I arrived at the hospital and seemed to need me. This made me feel so good about our relationship, I thought she finally wanted to be a mom and wanted to have a "normal" mother daughter relationship even though I might not have her long. The cancer is gone, she had surgery to remove it and it worked! After a brief stay in a nursing home she left without her doctors ok and with my brothers help. In the months since then I stared going to her place twice a week to take care of her needs, she said thank you to me for the first time in my life! I wash her bedding, change her diapers, wash her dishes, buy all her incontinence supplies, pick up her meds etc...
Now she's reverting back to her old self, she doesn't take meds, doesn't wash, leaves food out & many unhealthy things. She now doesn't want me to make her bed (it's always wet and smells) she cussed me out and said all those things only a mother can say to hurt you. Honestly I don't want to go back, this makes me feel guilty. I want to help her, I do not want the abuse.
So Sad,
Paula

I am going to admit something else...I have heard from people in other stores where their deli manager would tell them to fry up raw hand battered chicken that turning blue/green and the smell was so strongly sulfurous. Beware of sales ladled as manager special...lol!!

Book-so gross...have you ever order French fries that taste like onion rings...

Sharyn, the last time I ate at Dennys I was sooo disappointed with the food. I should have complained but I've seen enough videos on TV of what restaurant employees do when you complain. I ordered fried rice, Portuguese sausage and scrambled eggs with ham, mushrooms and jalapeno peppers. My scrambled eggs was off-colored looking and it tasted like Chorizos (red sausage that drips with oil when fried.) I Do Not Like Chorizos because it's waaay too oily. As I forced myself to eat my eggs, my poor stomach was heaving from the Chorizo taste and knowing that all that oil in my eggs. That is when I realized that they even re-use the leftover oil to scramble eggs.

Getnstrong~I haven't had the failed marriages but I have failed (IMO) in the work force. Because of my upbringing, I was always intimidated my men...(that was my mom's poisoning) so I had a hard time relating to male bosses or co-workers. I am also very sensitive and can/have taken things very personally when it was not meant to be and I have a lot of trouble reading people...between the lines...I tend to want to take things literally so I will get hurt because I didn't pick up on the social clues someone was trying to tell me. This is where my interpersonal relationships become difficult.

Joan~My husband has had high blood pressure since his thirties. He was not put on BP medication until he was diagnosed with diabetes in 2004. He is about 70 lbs. over weight, smoked (but is doing good on not smoking, though I know he is chewing at work), he is not physically active and is taking meds for cholesterol. He has type 2 but is taking 1 injection a day of insulin now. He has admitted to me that he will do an extra injection after he eats a pint of Ben and Jerry's ice cream....not good at all. He is still getting fast food on Friday's for dinner regardless if there is something here at home he can eat. He was taught not to change anything by his mother...she always said that her way of doing things is the right way and if someone does not do as she does...they are wrong. His father told him to listen to me...when he came home from the hospital, LOL!! I was surprised his dad would tell him that! His brother was in the store a couple days ago and he is focusing more on us not smoking (which is important) but hubby's weight is a big factor as well as his portion sizes. I love tri-tip and I can cook a large tri-tip for just the two of us...normal serving sizes, it should be enough for 2 days, but it isn't. I don't buy it very often. When his brother was in the store 2 days ago, i told him I was looking for some healthy recipes for beans. He said just throw some beans in the crock pot with a couple ham hocks, what could be healthier??? Really???? The fat and salt in ham hocks is enough to cause a heart attack or stroke. This is an example of where his family and me do not see eye to eye on things and they will not encourage him to change anything. I was going to cook a tri-tip on Sunday when I am off but because hubby got Chinese food tonight instead of eating the crab salad I had made...I won't make it. The sodium in the Chinese food is off the charts...he tinks because he chose chicken as the protein he did good. I can tell you that the oils it is fried it is not healthy simply because the oil is reheated over and over again from other fries. I know this because where i work, we fry chicken in canola oil. The oil cannot be changed until after a certain # of times of reheating it and frying again...so it is change about once a week. Of course our fryer is probably a lot larger than what a Chinese restaurant uses ( ours is a deep fryer), I bet they reuse the oil just the same. We have to keep track of our fries and at 80 fries we can change the oil...disgusting...wouldn't you agree. The quality of the oil decreases each time you reheat it and fry again. We fry hand battered raw chicken, frozen battered boneless chicken breast and wings, potatoes and corn dogs all in the same oil!!! I won't eat any of this...just think of KFC....gross to say the least. Once a week of treating yourself to these foods is too often. The moral of my post...don't save the oil to use again and again just to save some money...it is not healthy. When I was growing up...my mom would save the grease from frying bacon and reuse it for eggs. Many of us did this because we didn't know how unhealthy it was. I did it too when I first got married but then I found out how unhealthy bacon grease is for our bodies.

Yes, I need to stop to smoking, the only reason I have gotten the patch is because my vacation week messed me up along with missing one day off work when hubby had the stroke so I admit....I am behind right now on my car payment which was due the 7th and tonight at midnight, my payment for the LTC policy will be deducted from my account. I am $100 short to make both. Hubby can't help me because car registrations are due and so are property taxes. However, I should get me vacation pay next week for the year and I can catch up...I am embarrassed to admit this because I usually am right on top of everything. Once I get all this taken care of, I will start on the patch...I know you are thinking that the cost of cigarettes is the same as the patch...true...but I have to be mentally prepared or I will fail. Knowing I am behind prevents me from being mentally prepared...

Hugs to all!!

Cmag and Book~My father also passed from Alzheimer's. I grieved all along and last week of his life was the hardest. I ended up not taking much time off when he died because I did not need it. I didn't take time off the last week either but I went to the NH in the morning before work and again in the evening. If I had it do over, I would have taken the time off the last week so I could spend more time with him even though he did not seem to aware we were there. Some may blast me for saying this...but because a long illness such as Alz/dementia allows us to grieve as our loved one progresses, when they pass (at least for me with my dad)...it was a relief.It was a heart breaking experience but I have to say with dementia, we lose our loved on twice...once to the disease and again in death. I went back to work the day after my dad's funeral....people at work thought I was heartless, but they don't know me like I know me. I worked one day and was off 1.5 weeks because I was so sick , I went to dr. on Monday after 2 days of 103 fever, he said I had bronchontis...Rx an antibiotic wanted me back in his office on Wednesday. I was not any better. I had a little cough then told him it hurt on the left side of my chest when I coughed...ordered an Xray gave me a sample of another antibiotic and told me to come back the next day...if I wasn't better, he was going to hospitalize me. My fever broke with the new antibiotic but I had pneumonia and was off work for another week. My dad's funeral was surreal to me, it was foggy, drizzling rain and so cold. I have my husband stop at our house after the grave side part of the service was over so I could change into some sweat pants before we went to my parents house. Little did I know that I was sick. The week I was home sick, my daughter moved 40 minutes away to the city she was going to College. I couldn't even help her move. Normally I don't dwell on this part of my dad's memory...I remember the camping trips, Christmas morning when he would tell me to go back to bed..."It's not Christmas Yet"...LOL!!

Sorry..I was using the kindle above..."major" should be "male."...

Cmag, sometimes I wonder if my theory is wrong.... and keep waiting for the reality of mom's death after she passed away.... sometimes I wonder that maybe I will never mourn her because I never got close to her all my life....all my siblings lives. Truthfully, she was just Mother who fed us and our basic needs and excessively punished is. I have concluded that my theory best suits MY reality. ..another major poster who recently lost his mother experienced the same kind of feelings like we did. I truly think for us caregivers deep into the trenches for years have been slowly mourning our parent's slow demise as the years go by. HUGS to you!

Hi everyone. I'm fine. Learning too many things at one time... child within..Alzheimer course...self esteem...etc...

emjo, there has not been any word from step-dad or step-brother. I don't like conflict and thus I find myself a bit uptight.

sharynmarie, people with borderline personality disorder often deny such a dianosis as an act of self-protection. Evidently, there are levels of bpd from high functioning to very low functioning.

So far mom's death and funeral seem like a long time ago to both me and my wife. Maybe I was ready for this or the reality of it has not hit me yet.

Hugs, prayers and love to everyone!

I too worked very hard to not be like my ;mother with my children. I think I can safely say that neither one seems to have a pd. My son has some issues with communication and my daughter can be selfish in that she sees herself as being a better person than her brother. Their relationship is somewhat strained which I blame myself for that and I hope in time my daughter can learn to see her brother as being as successful as is possible for him to be. His priorities are different than hers and he has needed more help in getting him into adulthood because he tends to be a little immature for his age but I think he will get better as he gets older just like I have.

I found it odd that my sister did not recognize any of herself in the description of a BPD. I do think she may have it and that her eldest daughter may too. I could see where she latches on to a man immediately expecting a total commitment from the beginning of the relationship without getting to know the person. If she does have it, it may be a milder form than our mother...if that is possible...since I don't live with my sister as an adult, I don't know how she is in those conditions. I do know that we would not be able to live together because I do see her as controlling, but she is loving and has emotions which our never expressed love or emotions...except for the anger and more anger.

Take care everyone, I hope Joan and Margeaux...you get some rest and Sad1, when you are ready to see your mom, you will and the therapy can help prepare you for that. Glad, getnstrong, Alison, Book...hope you are all coping and Cmag, I hope all is peaceful as you go through the will and grieve your mother.
HUGS to everyone!!

Welcome Paula!!! I hope to hear more from you when you are ready!!

Margeaux - wow! So sorry to hear - well -that certainly won't be a birthday soon forgotten! She was so young to be so messed up. And she is in a better place.
Emjo - you have had a tough few months - so sorry! you need a vacation!! Yes - my daughter does have many issues and reminds me sadly of my mother - drinks too much - narcissistic is many respects - but thinks that she is a wonderful help and supporter (not). Her 3 brothers all held their breath at the reception - thinking she would get into some issue with someone - she always does. Ruined many family events! Can't talk to her either. It makes me so upset. But - she is 35 - and still thinks she knows everything. but - fortunately - there wasn't a big issue with her- the worst thing that happened is my oldest son's dog attacked our dog - which was weird. Think all the people and smelling BBQ for hours set her off. My dog is fine - just more skittish than normal!
Paula - welcome and to add to Emjo's hugs - my own! This is a wonderful group of people! They have helped me so much - it was Emjo actually who had me look up narcissistic mothers and opened my eyes to what I should have figured out 30 years ago! You will find great support and ideas here.

I have also worked really hard - mostly with my daughter to not have the same relationship I had/have with my mother. My father was also an enabler - however he loved me - unfortunately only tolerated my brother- who is pretty messed up. My counselor said between my father's love and my sense of humor - it helped me not fall in the trap of my mother. I was also lucky that my 2nd husband had been pretty well trained in college (high school teacher) in psychology - that he got some of my dysfunction - and dealt with it in a positive way. My first husband - another alcoholic like my mother.

It is hard work - I think also hard figuring it out at such a late part of our lives. I think that growing up - it was our normal - which sucked. I would see other moms and wish my mom had been like that. Still makes me sad (thus the name! hahah). I can remember in high school - my mother insisted on having a house in Santa Cruz - moved us 3 hours from where I grew up (I know - living in SC is not a terrible thing) but I just wanted to finish high school - her response was her life was almost over and mine was just beginning - she never understood how hard it was on the family - my dad had to commute 3 1/2 hours each way until he did something different. I never understood why he would always cave in to her demands. He was just too weak of a man and it wore him out - died at 77.

Well - I am so thankful that there are all of you to exchange ideas & experiences - no one really does understand unless they are raised by a parent such as these. The selfishness is beyond comprehension. And like you sharyn & getnstronger - I can't just walk away from the situation - couldn't sleep at night - yet - haven't seen my mom since I wrote the letter and the nightmare dentist visit - and not really ready to go back for a while yet. Feel like I need to do some reading & counseling before - so I don't react to her BS. ugh. I know that you all agree with getnstronger - to grieve the loss of a normal childhood. Thank goodness we were strong enough to be better parents to our children.

Margeaux~ Big Hugs to you...I am sorry for your loss. My husband would have reacted like your's did. It makes it hard when they don't validate our feelings or at least give us a hug even if they don't understand. Take time for yourself right now and maybe in a couple weeks you and hubby can go on a day trip.

Hugs to you Margeaux!!

I’ll try to catch up a bit.
Cmag – hope there has not been any fall out from step dad and bro. Also hope things are going as well as possible for you
Glad –letting the police know that your mum can get aggressive sounds like a good idea. Good news about caregiver survival
Alison – nice to see y9u posting – I understand about not posting when you are dealing with a lot. I tend to withdraw to draw on inner resources. Glad you still feel connected. I am also glad you are thinking ahead for an end to the caregiving. Re your younger bro – just because you are kind to someone does not mean they will return the favour – hard lesson to learn. So often it seems, in dys fun families, sibs and/or parents don’t “get it”. People on the internet –as here –know more about my health than my family does. Sometimes it takes a crisis e.g. mold to get us moving in a better direction. Some of us are “givers” and tend to give too much and end up hurting ourselves. Looking after self is another life lesson that is not easy to learn. What about the concepts of loving yourself as well as you love others, caring for yourself a well as you care for others, giving to yourself as much as you give to others? You know, Alison, allowing yourself to be crazy dramatic once in a while may not be a bad thing. Others do!!! Do you have some ideas for your non caregiving future? One of my goals is to reduce chaos and crisis. G likes to spring surprises on people – like a surprise vacation. I told him “Never do that to me as the answer will be “No”. I have had enough surprises to last my lifetime.” So we plan together. And re relationships intact with the family - that takes two. If they do not put some work into it, you cannot make it happen alone. Glad you are more comfortable dealing with your mum. That’s BIG!!! ((((((hugs))))
Twentanon – you do have a lot of health issues but seem to manage well and in a good frame of mind all considered. Well done! Endometriosis is not fun
Sharyn - High blood pressure is definitely one of the risk factors for stroke. Here are the top ones from the Mayo Clinic site - high blood pressure, cigarette smoking or exposure to second hand smoke, high cholesterol , diabetes, being overweight or obese, physical inactivity . That is not to say that all people who get strokes fit those criteria, but people with those issues have a much higher change of a stroke, I don’t think you have a PD at all, though your sis may. The recent conversations about home life are so familiar to me. I too was/am the one who stood up to mother from early on. I think it is heathier –otherwise you join the craziness. BPD does seem to fit your mum –and as you say narcissism is there too. Somehow I don’t see you going into a deep depression. My dad drank too, but I had a good relationship with him. He was my nurturing parent and I probably had a substitute spouse relationship with him. Confusing!!! Please don’t regret – you did the well considering the circumstances.
Zoolife – you are doing such a good job for your parents and with no thanks. I know it is hard. I think you are wise to let it all go once you have found them a place. Keep us updated.
book – you are a real trooper and fighter.
Getn -as you say, everything resonates so much. You are so right that when you grow up with a BPD there is no healthy way of dealing with relationships. My failed marriages (2) were very related to my family’s dysfunction – not that I don’t accept that I made some bad decisions. I had great difficulty dealing frustrations, and with expressing my feelings and needs and negotiating to get them met. With sig other, I knew I had to face this and succeed with it or we would not survive, and with a lot of work on both our parts –he has his issues too - we are doing OK. My kids have been affected as well, and we have worked through a lot of that, but it is difficult with my daughter as she has many characteristics of a PD and narcissism too. Yeah it is a “rest of our lives” work recovering and getting healthier, and caregiving someone who is nasty to you is very, very difficult.
Sad – so glad the reception went well, “Children of the Self Absorbed” sounds worth reading. Do let us know who your therapy is going. We all have things to learn still. Interesting that your daughter doesn’t see the narcissistic behaviours. Does she have some herself?
Booked time to see mother and do dinner theatre with G in a couple of weeks. Also booked our flights to Toronto for his meetings and a few days after for holidays. Next week I start some major dental work –finally. Better get going to my thyroid lab test. I have been feeling cold and tired too often. Maybe it is off –would be an easy fix.
Hi to anyone I have missed. Take care all Love and hugs Joan

that's "Look" after yourself lol

Wish I could give you a hug in person, Margeaux. I do understand that you need your feelings validated. G is not a whole lot better. Men want to fix things and you cannot fix something like that so they move on to what they can fix - like doing something for your b'day. It really is a very sad scene thinking of P's last days and her dying alone. More ((((((((hugs)))))))). Loo after yourself -do something good for you! Much love Joan

Emjo,

Thank you so much. It was so sad especially the way this woman met her end.
Apparently, from what I heard from R, probably time of death could have occurred on Monday, or Tuesday. She was found Thurs., so Im sure you can imagine.

Yes, I know that some men don't deal well with the emotional areas.
That it was my birthday yesterday didn't help the tone of the day at all.
I was being given the birthday attentions, but I wasn't in to it I discovered as the day progressed. Now I don't want to sound unappreciative towards that end by both my sister and husband. But yesterday.....I really could have just appreciated a warm hug, namely by the husband in some low moments yesterday. Oh well!
Instead, if I was beginning to express anything I felt in the situation.....by my husband downplaying it, I felt kind of like my feelings weren't being validated, and really ignored.

May P's spirit soar very high,
and may she have ultimate peace,

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Welcome Paula - (((((((hugs))))) people here have difficult families - often the person they care give which makes the difficult job many times more difficult. Do you have somewhere to go? yes, their words still hurt - even after years of it. Many of us have found that our parent is their own worst enemy and want to blame others on their misfortunes. Others have difficult siblings - not helpful or openly critical. Tell us more about your circumstances when you are ready to and vent, vent, vent. It helps.

Funny, I just signed on to this and this seems to be the most active place. I just left my 81 yr old moms place where she cussed me out then kicked me out. I'm just trying to do the right things for her. She's handicapped, beat cancer this year and wearing a diaper all the time now. She's always been a very bitter, even hateful person, but her words still hurt.

Margeaux (((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))) I am sorry about this loss. What a tough experience for you. Men generally do not acknowledge/feel the same emotions as women and tend to have difficulty understanding how women react. I am glad you went to the beach, and had dinner out. I expect you will feel this for some time. Take it easy and give yourself space to feel the feelings.

Some great discussion here recently. I am still quite tired from the flu and gut reactions to same. but thankful it wasn't worse. My dil has pneumonia. I will get my thyroid tested today. Across the street there are hardly any leaves left on the trees, but my mountain ash by the house has lovely red berries and golden leaves. Hope today there is some blue in the sky and I can snap the contrast.

Thinking of all of you - hope to post more soon.

Yesterday I was woken up about 8:30 by some noise outside our bedroom window. It sounded as if a fire truck was leaving the area. Then I heard the definite noises of police coming through the property, with their walkie talkies. Oh boy that energy is so heavy, I sure could feel it. By now I knew something was happening on property. I stayed in the bed, as I'd been woken up out of a deep sleep, which lately is rare.

I peeked outside and saw a police car parked across the street. I already knew it most probably had to do with a neighbor we have in the back, (not the one we shared our cat) with, this is another one. She's a woman who must be in her mid fifties. Now she's a perfect example of someone who unfortunately became all sucked into the medical system for a whole variety of health problems. She used to drink, but gave it up some years ago. Now during her menopause, she was becoming very osteo arthritic for her young age, as it started in her forties, from what I understand. To this end, she became very addicted to some very heavy drugs from the morphine family. Anyway, she also had a lot of personal problems in her background, and completely alienated from her family of origin. She came to our state years ago from Chicago and was basically running from problems when she made that decision.

So, by now I'm getting my coffee on in the kitchen and stepped out into our garden. From our garden we have a good view of this woman's apartment.
I could definitely see police up there as she is on the 2nd floor.
I was now wondering whether our next door neighbor who also lives on our property, it's a 6 unit bldg.s was still at home, and had knowledge of any of this.
He's been close to this woman, helping her out, somewhat of a caregiver to her, when needed, they've known one another a very long time. Well, now I saw him up there also. Now I suspected something really terrible. Then, I even saw I'll now call this woman P, P's own friend the one who used to have Vanilla, they were friends from Chicago. One had recruited the other to come out to live in our state, many years ago. At seeing her up there, I could only imagine the worst!

I heard one of the officer's say coroner, ....P was dead.
Apparently our next door neighbor R, found her dead in her apt.
He would stay in touch with her, but about a week ago is the last time he says he heard from her. He had called her but there was no answer, on her line.
Sometimes he didn't like nocking on her door during the day, as it was a big project for her to come answer the door, given her incapacitation. But he did have a key to her apt. and keys to her car. He's been moving her car for years,
now when we have street sweeping. Well, yesterday since he'd not heard from her, he did go into P's place, found her deceased, and it sounds as if she'd been dead a couple days already.

To throw the ultimate mix into the day, yesterday happened to be my "B" day.
My husband had asked me what I wanted to do for the day. I thought a nice drive out of town, not too far would be great. Needless to say.......the day became too surreal for me. We didn't do that. But several hours after all the police activity on our property, then someone came for P's body. It was a very long, and sad day.
Then.....I felt pressured somewhat by my husband who kept suggesting things to do. He wasn't emotionally into P's, passing. He seems to think that since she was so sick and all of that, in other words, that she's in a better place.

My husband didn't even go to express anything, not even some curiosity about any of it to R. I'd already talked to R outside. Anyway, this attitude by my own husband really gets on my nerves, this isn't the first time he's done this. Even, when I'd start to almost cry yesterday.....he never came over to me to give me a hug, or acknowledge my pain about this. I wasn't super close to P, but in 2008, I did a bit of caregiving for her. Over the last 10 yrs., of knowing her I was feeling it.

Anyway about mid day, my husband and me decided we'd go to the beach just to try to celebrate my "B" day. Believe me.....I realize the husband was trying to do something positive, which I appreciate, but it felt like a forced issue.
But before we left the house, I asked my husband, have you talked at all to our neighbor R, as in condolences since he and P were close. My husband said, "no." So I said to husband, "I think we should go next door and talk a bit to him."
So we did. R gave us the complete run down of events. Anyway, I guess she'll be taken care of by the Neptune Society, and the remains w/go to Chicago.

So now my husband and me went to the beach, it was a nice day-weather wise, anyway. Later, we met w/my sister, her beaux, and we went to dinner.
I was completely exhausted, and hit the bed at 10:30 last night.

Dazed & Confused,
Margeaux

Wow- ...getnstronger. what you said is very powerful. It sums it all up. Yes while we have come to a place where we are our patent is sick, we have compassion for that but also recognize we have to deal with our own health, well being and our relationships with our children.

I am so happy you have a meaningful relationship with your children. It really is an on going process throughout our lives.

Hi fellow caregivers! Been particularly interested reading Sharyn & Sad1daughter. Everything you say resonates so much with me. My father also treated my mother like the spoiled brat she was, letting her buy anything she wanted, letting her demean him and his whole family, and never defending himself, or us kids, or his family. He would always say "your mother is sick and she can't help herself". Maybe he was right (she is definitely sick), but he enabled her, making it worse on all of us. In his later years he would say, "maybe I should have socked her a good one in the beginning". Of course, that would not have been something he would ever do, and would not have helped, but he was aware that he might have handled her differently. Trying to please her was impossible then, and still is today. Often when I want to just walk away (as my brother did years ago), I think that Dad would want me to take care of her, and I do it for him, as well as for myself. I sometimes wish I was the kind of person who could just walk away, but I could never look myself in the mirror if I did something like that, so I continue to look for ways to cope or detach.
In "Surviving a Borderline Parent" it addresses the issue that as children of BPD parents, we may have some/many of their traits. When you grow up where there is no healthy way to deal with relationships, feelings, etc. it's impossible to know a better way. As I look back on my life, I can see now that my failed marriages were partly a result of my inability to express my feelings, dealing with frustration with outbursts of anger, etc. It was all I knew. Worst of all, I was so busy "looking for love in all the wrong places", that I didn't meet my kids emotional needs. I met their physical needs, but never talked about how they felt about things happening in our lives. I regret that to this day, as they in turn have had their own issues because of it. I thank God that as I've worked on myself, and learned about why I have done some of the things I did, etc. that I have good relationships with all four of my adult children. I can never get back those lost years, but I am grateful for their understanding that I didn't know any better, and for their forgiveness for my errors in parenting.
I know I will spend the rest of my life working on overcoming the effects of the way I was raised, but better late than never. Like the name says, I am getting stronger in just accepting that nothing will ever be enough to please my mother, so I've for the most part stopped trying. She will never be a good mother, but it is not her fault, as she really is sick. Now I just try to see that her basic needs are met, and work hard not to be sucked in when she tries to bait me into a conflict by criticizing me or my children, etc. It is sad, and I still grieve the loss of a normal childhood.
Caring for someone who treats you like they hate you is very, very difficult. Thank you both for your sharing. It means so much to me.

sad1~ My sister did not to accept things with mom either. She just wanted to blame her. You relationship with your mom sounds normal under the circumstances you are dealing with in regards to a personality disorder. I am happy that therapy is working for you..it is hard work...a lot of emotional digging and then getting through he pain and anger...You will get there in your own time. HUGS to you!!