The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Sad1~unfortunately by the time I realized my mothers role in all this, my relationship with my father was so so...I would visit my dad at home when my mother was not there so we could connect better. He was an alcoholic but he was a basically loving except when my mom would incite him into an drinking rage to react against us kids because she would not discipline us herself. She emasculated my father and would tell him him he was a useless father, husband and because of the alcohol, he would become enraged. If she had left him alone (though is drinking was a health concern, he would not have reacted as he did), there would not have been the physical abuse that we suffered. My mother thrived on him physically abusing us because she did not have the backbone to discipline us...she wanted to be the good parent.

My father did get sober for about 12 years before he developed Alzheimer's. I would visit him privately to avoid my mother's interference. My brother did the same thing. When mom was around. it had to be all about her...I and my brother were not willing to give that to her any longer. I feel bad that my relationship with my father could have been so much better if mom had stayed out of it. When dad developed Alz, I and sis would take him out on weekends to get him away from mom and to give mom a break from caregiving,,,,it was always enjoyable and when dad was placed in a NH, I would visit when mom was not there. Usually 2x's a week...if I went when mom was there, it was all about her. She quit going during lunch time because the CNA expected her, like all of spouses or family members, to help my dad with his lunch...an intimate time together...mom wanted nothing to do with that so she quit going near lunch time and blamed the CNA's for being lazy.

My relationship with father came late but we had the relationship that was nurturing and I was able to be there for in his final stages of life. It do come late but late is better than not at all.

My mom called while i was posting this...it always takes a lot of of me to talk her down but I did it....Sad1...God Bless us for what we do!!

Sharyn - interesting that your mom does react that way to your sister and not you - I guess it is like my daughter - she just bites right back at my mom - always has - and mom just doesn't act at all like the monster I know with her at all! Weird. And when I was discovering all this for myself - read some of the narcissistic behaviors to my daughter - she didn't think my mom had them. Different prospective for sure! I think that I still look for acceptance from my mother - if I just did this - or that or acted differently - or wore my hair differently - on and on. It is sickening - and I get so mad at myself. I feel like a doormat.

Your sister sounds like she has major self esteem issues. I think that when we are raised by a parent such as ours there is definitely some residual yuck from it. My brother washed his hands of our mother and has never looked back - he could care less. I am the one with guilt and the feeling of obligation - when honestly I hold all the cards when it comes to her care etc. I have the poa and full charge of her assets etc, I guess I feel my dad looking down at me - and he babied (enabled) her so much I feel like I am just stepping into his shoes.

So sad for your brother, sister and yourself that your mom pitted you against your dad. do you have a relationship with him at all?

Sad1~Thank you...I am the one who started standing up to my mom in my twenties. It still is hard to think about these issues and how it has affect us growing up. I started holding my mother accountable years ago which resulted in us always fighting and my sister to interfere siding with mom. I was no longer expecting my mom to accept me as the person I am. However, my sister still is looking for acceptance.Because mom has Alz...I changed my approach toward her about 1.5 years ago and started treating her like everything was Alz related not her pd.It did change how mom reacted to me. I must admit because I have this connection with my mom that my sister does not have...I worry how my mom's passing is going to affect me since I tend to detach sooooo much from her so i can deal with the present situation.

I sent my sister all the info on BPD...she was shocked as I was. She couldn't believe how it so closely described our mother. While I have concerns about having it too, my sister denies having any of it...yet I see my sister having some of these symptoms especially with her relationships with men. She recently was having contact with a man from high school that she idolized. After just a couple of dinner dates...she attached herself to him and considered themselves a couple. He did not see it that way at all and even told her to slow down...........she didn't but when she discovered he was friends with other women, she didn't want him to call her anymore and told him so. She was angry because he did not call her regularly...he lives in Nevada, my sis in California. I told my sis she was expecting too much from this man...my sis is very against illegal drug use...he took her to a Jimmy Buffet concert in SF and smoked openly in front of her....weed...she accepted it. This is not my sis....I asked her why are you suddenly willing to accept him using illegal drugs when you wouldn't accept it with your first husband? It came down to her need to have a man in her life.

Thank you for the info...i will research it more and get books because my concern is that I may go into a deep depression as my mother progresses to end stages. My brother may too, he stood up for our mom against our father because mom put him in that position poisoning him against our dad when the the issues where really about mom...not dad. He can't talk about it even today without crying openly...he and I are like my dad...we are more emotional. Wow....this is eye opening and bringing up a lot of emotions...I still have a lot to deal with. Hugs!!

it is EMDR: Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing

Sharyn - you might be interested in the book Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grown-Up's Guide to Getting Over Narcissistic Parents - there are actually quite a few books out there. The fact that you are on this site and even think you have a disorder to me - shows that you don't - just messed up from being your mothers constant admirer. From what I have read so far - when there are more than one child - they will latch on to the one that they can mold to a mini-me so to say - and as long as that child/adult keeps up their job as admirer and confidant all is good. Probably why your sister has more trouble. I started having problems with my mother when I started saying things - like No - you can't smoke in my house around my new baby! She was outraged. And the more I stood up to her - the more I was too sensitive or must be on my period - or my personal favorite - you must be going through menopause! LOL!

I started seeing a councilor - and she has helped with just hearing the stories - as an unbiased person - and explaining the disorders. She does a therapy that is suppose to deprogram your negative habits....going to try it tomorrow - will keep you posted!

Sad1~After reading the details from this online source...It has really opened my eyes more about my mother. I am going to order some books on BPD. My mother is very different with me than she is with my sister. She always has been...my sis and I have discussed this many times over the years. My mother would share info with me about her childhood...she never did with my sister. I think the reason why is because I, from age 12 on, was the only child at home and I became like a surrogate spouse/parent to my mother. She poisoned me against my father from the beginning. What nurturing I got from her was basically her need to have someone in her corner. She did this to me and my brother who lives locally.

I have wondered if I also have a personality disorder like my mom simply because I had trouble with interpersonal relationships...or is it a learned behavior...IDK...I do know that I don't have the problems like I used to have. The self esteem issues are still there, Yes from what I have read about personality disorders is that usually a person will have more than one disorder and narcissism seems to always be part of it. I am going to continue to research and get some books on it.

Hi All - been gone again from the site and can't quite catch up - first - got through the reception in our backyard - and it was perfect - down to the 80 degree weather and no wind to allow for the Chinese lanterns to be flown off into the night sky - I highly recommend them for a special occasion! Beautiful and quite fun! All the hard work paid off and a good time was had by all!

sharynmarie - I just got that book on borderline personality disorders - and my mother accounts for about 4 - so if you put the few borderline with the narcissistic personality disorder (my mom has 7) - you have a hot mess! Any the description of your mother matches mine so much - down to the plain clothes and needing tons of attention (and outrageous outbursts). So hard to deal with - and hard for me to read these books. I too wish that I had figured out the issues of my mother (attributed it to alcohol) before her stroke. Now she is just crazy AND mean!

Hey all,
a bit of good news for all of us family caregivers from NPR
http://www.npr.org/blogs/health/2013/10/16/235384054/family-caregiving-can-be-stressful-rewarding-and-life-affirming

Book~LOL!! With GREAT POWER comes GREAT NEED to take NAP...is this why politicians are always taking vacations??

I will tell her about Teepa Snow. I don't know that she will watch it, she won't use her computer when she is at home. Maybe if she has a book, I could order for her to read.

I decided to do some research online about personality disorders because I have never been fully satisfied with the personality disorder I have labeled my mom to be....mainly because it says it is more common for men to have a schizoid or paranoid personality disorder. I discounted the borderline personality because the sources I was reading from always compared it to Marilyn Monroe. Well, a sex kitten, my mother is not, nor would she go on spending sprees. However, I did find a source yesterday that explained the Borderline personality disorder in more detail....and yes...I can relate to these symptoms much more closely as being my mother. Instability with interpersonal relationship, anger and more anger...abandonment issues, temper outbursts that are blown out of proportion or completely unwarrented, self image issues or lack of self image...my mother always wears very plain clothing so not to make herself noticable, but yet she wants to be noticed, wants attention and craves it. She never knew herself and has never been comfortable with herself, her own opinions and she would copy my style a lot when it came to crafts, decorating or gardening and my sister says she did the same with her. I wish we could have gotten my mother diagnosed before the Alzheimer's came into play...

Sharyn, maybe we can suggest for your sister to watch some of those Teepa Snow YouTube videos. Maybe if she watches it enough, she will have an idea of how to react with your mom.

I receive daily by email, the Word for the day:
With Great POWER comes Great Need to Take A NAP. by Rick Riordan

Sorry kindle again...my point is my sister some strength where it is not all about her. My sister has never been Willing strengthen herself, she has always been a victim...I am not saying any of us should put up with abuse...this is more about learning to know the difference between a persons whims. And unnecessary desires. It like with a child to some degree who is seeking attention and I told my sister that mom is worse on weekends because residents are getting visited by family and since I work weekends no one is visiting her including sis unless I initiate the visit because I am off. I hope that makes sense

Book- this shows the decisions we must face as caregiversruemx having bounda

I agree, Sharyn. My father is very good at harrassing people at their work (doc, clinic, home care store, etc...) I let him be. If I took the phone away, he would become violent and take it out on me. For now, I prefer he keeps it in case he needs to call 911. Terrible to be bedridden and then cannot call for help if I or my sis collapse.

I talked with my sister about a phone for our mother where she can receive calls but not call out. We would have to order this phone online from the alzheimer'sstore. Sis decided to wait it wait it out...she does not want to take mom's right away from her regarding calling us. I see this as growth on my sister's part in being able to detach and ignore our mothers calls. I am not saying this is easy for anyone to do...learning to know the difference between our mother's needs and wants is important. My sister willing to deal with calls for now.

I went online yesterday and found there are several names,
but when I speak or write it is only of my personal experience,
as is almost everyone's, a personal journey.

I know that whenever, I have a surgical procedure done,
I am taken off of Coumadin, put on Lovenox shots
and then on a Heparin drip.

Coumadin is stored in the body and is maintained,
3 days of Lovenox (works for the day)
and Heparin (by the time you get heparin
there isn't any coumadin in your system)
and works as long as the IV is running.

When I was given the shot, I asked.
Now, I ask for it by name, just to be sure.

Sometimes in that journey,
we are not always comfortable or comforted,
and doctors are not gods, sometimes all
we can hope for, is help from our friends.

Austin~Thnak you for the info on the TPA. Our PCP told us that if they had brought my husband here to our local hospital, they would have sent him back to the Bay Area because our local hospital does not handle strokes. I am glad he was in Livermore when it happened because of shorter distance to the Sam Ramon stroke center. I agree, I think all ER's should have it available.

TPA is a lifesaver when given right after a stroke-within 3 hrs. -it is amazing most hospitals do not stock it for ER pts. Lovenox is a blood thinner-helps but does not do what TPA does for an active stroke but can assist is preventing another stroke.

Iwentanon~I don't know if the injection they gave my husband is the same as what you received, they just call it a TPA injection.

Zoolife~It does get to that point when you just can't handle the abuse any longer. Since you are looking in all the legal matters, be sure to check out what happens when the state takes over their care or check into a geriatric care manager. I have read where a geriatric care manager will see to an elder's care especially for those who live a long distance from their parents.

How am I doing? Saw an attorney yesterday to sign paperwork to protect my folks assess. I put up 1000.00 of my money used the money my folks gave me selling my fathers guns to pay for this. Granted I have no income at this time or insurance I need money for my medicine. Trying to explain what I'm doing to help them is futile my father is so suspicious of everyone, now I'm the target once again by him to verbally abuse. Called my folks to check on them yesterday they told me that my mothers wallet is missing and they suspect Linda the care nurse. No matter how I phrase a question no matter what my tone my father and mother will fire back hateful assault, blaming accusing me now. My father now says he never told me to take those guns, he's angry I sold them he wants the money for them to pay for some doctors bills of which I have no idea what doctors bills they are referring to. Unless the bills are for calling the ambulances to get my mother off the floor. My heart is broken my own father accusing me of taking what he agreed I should sell those guns to pay for my trip back home. Everyone including his doctor knew I was leaving with them with my fathers approval. Dementia or not he has always been this way his sisters tell me the same thing about him. I will finish getting all of their legal work done hopefully it will be enough money to get them in a place till they die, after that I want nothing further to do with them. I've had so many doctors tell me to let them go they are so toxic. After the treatment I received last night I am done. Crying I got off the phone telling him to stop it this is too painful for me to listen to, he called me back later to insult me even further. I left them in better shape than I found them, my father has done nothing but complain as well as try to undo everything I set up to help them. I'm in worse shape than when I left to help them. As far a I'm concerned the state can have them. My health is in jeopardy if something serious happens to me it could take my life's savings.

Thanks for info. I am sure that not everyone fits the criteria. My hubby's family has heart disease and he has had HP since his 30's. I know other people who have had strokes that were fit, thin and no previous issues, who knows why it happens them.

The shot I was given was Lovenox (a blood thinner)

The signs of a stroke in the three times I had one were,

1stX ('98) inability to stand in shower accompanied by crying like a newborn baby (right-side hemiparesis.but did not last, weakness for 4-5 weeks) when temporarily my vocal chords no longer worked although I heard myself speaking (everyone else heard a newborn baby).

2ndX (00) blindness in my left eye lasted about 30 seconds (warning) afterwards doubted if it happened.

3rd X (8/17/01) no blindness, nothing with vocal chord, but left-sided hemiparesis, still 12 years later (but exercising every day to change it, but the shoulder is dropped (now they do Electric Stimulation Therapy right away to avoid the shoulder drop) will probably be permanent, nerve damage left eye, left corner of mouth, and left side.

4X5X averted now know the warning sign...for me are a general feeling of weakness, like coming down with a cold, vision haze when looking at lights mimics, coming out of a chlorinated pool (although you have not been in one)and looking at lights, there's just a dark halo around them, waiting for other symptoms, now I no longer wait to see if it is a cold, for me it is a stroke.
AND I DID NOT HAVE THE CRITERIA
low blood pressure, low cholesterol, thin, fit, worked out everyday,
but I had aortic stenosis (birth defect) and two corrective open heart surgeries under my belt, (a blood thinner, coumadin, which has never been therapeutic)
and I HAD ENDOMETRIOSIS.

Hope this helps.

Alison~You don't sound like a martyr!! You sound like a reasonable person who is looking for a sensible solution so that you and your father benefit. It is not your responsibility how your father chooses to react to what you decide. I know you have a great heart and want what is best for your father regarding his care. You also deserve to get on with your life!! You are being reasonable but yet you are dealing with unreasonable people. Hugs to you!!

Cmag, I wish you peaceful, easy-breezy resolution/progress regarding the will.

About phone calls: the posts gave me a chuckle. My father DOESN'T call anyone - even when specifically asked to do so... he's stubborn as a mule, and seems to me he's getting more forgetful and showing signs of increasing cognitive impairment/confusion, and I think me and other siblings worry way more about his welfare than he actually seeks our help. Its a unique situation, I'm realizing: my dad would happily get "lost" one day, live in a homeless shelter, and never bother to mention he has children/family/home... or call me/us... Yeah, it kind of puts his abandonment of us kids as infants in a new light - he's the epitome of a Loner and always has been.

Sharyn, thanks for quickie synopsis of TIAs vs "real" stroke. Hadn't read or thought of it quite that way, I learned something.

My dad's house (my residence, too) is going through mold remediation. I'm going on 5-6 weeks of displacement, and learning about mold illness (no doubt I suffered from it during past 2+ years). I think when things are newly chaotic and stressful to me, it takes me awhile to adjust... I haven't felt like posting/sharing at all, even though I've been reading and still feel connected and like I have real friends on here... but geesh, I get worn down with the questions/uncertainty, in my own head, about the future, and wondering exactly how much I can keep giving to my dad's situation? In the past few weeks, I've planned out packing my stuff in a Uhaul trailer and driving away.

My younger bro felt little pity for me the other day, when he upped his dollar amount request to work on my vehicle. I lost it and yelled at him a little, cried at him a little. I've given so much, financially and other ways, to taking care of OUR father... he wanted $40 more than I'd offered/suggested to pay him and it felt like a stab in the heart. I remember when I would just GIVE him money, a couple hundred here and there, because I had more of it, and I knew he needed. I offered at one time in my life to send him to college - I would pay for it. My situation has drastically changed and no one else in my family seems to get it - I'm unemployed and homeless. My future is so uncertain. Younger bro's not a bad or selfish person in the least, but he doesn't get it... nor does older bro... who keeps focused on his own life and pursuits while putting me on the spot with demanding questions about when I will get certain things accomplished, and get dad moved on. I want them to understand I'm sacrificing, and keep doing it... but I don't think they get that idea at all. Ha! ;D So... thank goodness you guys do get it. I'm not looking to be a martyr, just looking for a sane, sensible, gracious exit to full-time caregiving life that I didn't see coming... this life just doesn't make sense anymore... the "mold situation" just brought things to an urgent state: it makes sense to move my dad NOW, or, just leave while he is living in guest room at bro's, let bro figure out what to do with him. I don't want to just leave. But I've been dreaming about it a lot the past week.

I'm rambling. ;D Feels a bit good to ramble on here again, lol. I hope everyone is well.

Emjo, just saw post from 5 days ago highlighting "some ideas about detaching." I've been reading but somehow missed that one, that batch of posts. Looks like a good slow read to let sink into my brain as I go to sleep tonight. I'm not really being "abused" by my father in the current situation... sure he yells and is ungrateful, but I'm not thinking of that petty behavior now... my dilemma has more to do with me giving too much that doesn't make sense in my particular situation... its so hard to determine where the boundaries lie here... I know the concept of "turning the other cheek", "do the right thing", "be a kind, giving person"... to what extent? Of course I don't really want to just run away. I don't want to be crazy, dramatic. I want to accomplish getting my dad into a stable situation where he can live for foreseeable future. Grrr. I guess I can hang tough... I've researched housing for him (hard to get info/help from HUD housing program when gov't is on vacation, I've learned) and, who knows? It may be that I can actually accomplish my goal, very shortly, and get things settled and sorted for him, and exit with my relationships with family as intact as they can be. It just feels like the entire "caregiving life" keeps springing new, chaotic, horrible, bad surprises and crisis on me.

Grrr.

On the plus side, I continue to deal with my mother, and my relationship with her, differently in the past few months. I most definitely learned some things and put them into action and I FEEL so much more understanding of my relationship with my mother. It doesn't confuse and hurt me like it once did.

(((Hugs))) to all, so glad you are all here.

Last time my mom really tried to use the phone, over a year ago, she was going to call 911 to come pick up an agency caregiver! I can chuckle about it now, mom also tried to physically throw the woman out of the house. I then realized that I better let the police know about mom's disease just in case something similar ever happens again.

Austin, thanks. We met with the lawyer today who said this will is very simple given the facts of joint ownership with right of survivorship for both mom's personal bank accounts and investments plus the farmland being in a trust for me put together by my grandmother. All that is left is the car, silverware, china, some furniture, etc. So, the lawyer is going to send my step-father a letter with a copy of the will in which he will ask when can I pick up the items listed above. He said that if we get a favorable response to the letter, then that is all we will need to do. If not, we will have to go through the expensive process of probating the will because of those personal items which to me is not worth it.

Love, Prayers and Hugs for all.

Just a quick note. If you're interested in learning a free 5 am online course starting soon.... Google coursera. When in the site, search dementia. I just signed up for it with trepidation. I'm going to give it a try. I hope that I can keep up with the class.

Cmag I am so sorry to hear that your Mom has passed away-your relatives can get as angery and they want -you were the one who has been there for her all of your life-they will just have to accept what is-it is amazing to me how families act when someone passes on and think they are due something when they did not care about the person while they were with us.

My mom threatens to call the police to get her out of the community but she most likely won't do it. If she did, I don't know what they would do...legally we can't force mom to live there without a conservatorship but I think if she did call the police and they investigated seeing she has Alzheimer's and is mentally incapacitated, I don't think they would intervene.

I have been doing some research on TIA's and mild strokes...wanted to know the difference. A TIA is a warning stroke, apparently the symptoms last a short time with no permanent damage to the brain and the clot dissolves on its own. A mild stroke will cause permanent damage like with my hubby's speech and while all clots will dissolve on their own in time....getting to the hospital and treated ASAP is important to reduce the damage. The TPA injection hubby received breaks up the clots faster...just thought I would share that info if anyone else was wondering about the difference too.

Madeaa, I giggled about your mom calling the police.

Father would call the hospital, the clinic's doctor, the home supply store, and even the surveyor (who surveyed our land to subdivide it over 32 years ago) I was happy with father calling OTHER people. But now that he's including me, it is not sooo funny, anymore. Gladimhere, I was actually sooo relieved that when he had UTI, he forgot how to use the phone...He didn't call anyone to harrass them for several weeks. Well...he's baaaack!

Yes, I guess that is the bright side of it on the calls, I guess I am glad my mother can call the police when her donut and tea are not there in time.