The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

and to add on bright side of the calls, at least she still knows how to use the phone, my mom sadly, does not.

Cmag - thanks for the info about estates from this site. I copied the link and noted it down on my "Helpful Answer - AC" File..right on the very top paragraph.

Sharyn, I'd like to give you a "bright" side to your mom calling you all. At least she's calling you at home and not at work. SOMEONE gave my father my work phone number. He hasn't called me in a long time at work. I have Both my cell phone numbers on the board. Nowhere can I see my work phone. Now, he calls me at work for the simplest things that can wait until I come home. I was so pissed off at both of them. Unfortunately, sis fled when my mouth started. Too bad, because I think she gave him my work number. I did tell father that if he continues to call me at work, I will go next door to brother and tell him that I'm leaving and he can take over father (as originally planned - I care for mom, bro care for father). That just pissed off father because he has verbally disowned bro-of-next-door.

Unfortunately I am going to have to have mom's phone removed from her room again. She is calling my sister as early at 6:30am and as late as 8:30pm. While mom is not being combative, my sister can't handle it...( I probably couldn't either). My sister feels she is being harassed, she can't understand why our mom can only talk about the same old thing....going home...getting her dog back. She tries to change the subject but our mom is focused on these issues and sis can't handle it. I understand about getting constant calls from mom because she has done that to me too. I do admit that I have trouble being sympathetic/emphatic with my sister...Why??? Probably because she is too much like our mom and sees herself as a victim here. Again...I know my sister has health issues, but I do have a hard time understanding why my sister has the energy and time to go out with friends (which she does deserve to do), but her health is always an issue when it comes to coming down here to see mom. I don't know. I am going to arrange for a phone to be put in mom's unit that allows her to receive calls but she can't call out. I know I don't like being woke up at 6:30 am on my days off. A big part of the problem is sis is handling the finances and mom has always been concerned with money because she did the finances all her adult life. Mom has been calling again recently but only twice a day. If I am at work when she calls, she leaves a message saying, well I guess you don't want to talk with me either. These messages really bother my sister. I know my mom does not understand that I am at work, my sister takes it more personal. So to make it easier, I will check on replacing the phone with one that can only receive calls. I do not know if the community provides this type of phone or if we have to buy it somewhere. What started all these phone calls recently is my mom says someone stole $10 from her. Sis and I both agree that mom only had $7 on her. I gave her the $7 a couple months ago when my sister asked me if I had cash to her our mom. I only had $7 on me that day...then sis turned it around saying...I should have been the one to give mom the money not you. Anyway, my point is...mom only had $7 and she probably hid it somewhere and forgot where she put it. I am going see her Tuesday when I take her to a podiatrist appt. I will search her room then and talk with staff about the phone.

Cmag~I can understand your emotions being all over the place. Losing a parent is very hard. Take all the time you need. Your step brother and step father can get angry if they want. You are the one who has been there for your mother, seen to her care,etc. They should not even question it or ask you anything about it. Take care of yourself and God Bless!

I'm very glad that after much searching to have found my mother's will a few years ago. She had hidden it in a safety deposit box where her mother lived since it was written in 1979. In 2008, she asked her brother to mail it to her. She went into the nursing home in the spring of 2009 following a broken hip. Tomorrow, I will see a lawyer. Yes, this is a new chapter in my life. Thanks for everyone's support.

Cmag, sorry for the hell you must be in, and I can fully understand being all over the place, put my mother in nursing home, and I have been all over the place, did I, should I, could I, maybe she does not have alzheimers, maybe it was only a UTI, all over the globe. I would get a hold of my lawyer that has the will, that is if you have one, and he will proceed with probate. If you are the exector, he will advise you on each turn. I would take the time to grieve your loss, don't even think about the other family members, now take care of yourself and do what you have to do. New chapter ahead and it is your call if you want any of these relations in it. Take it easy on yourself, least that is what I tell myself a million times, just saying it to you affirms my own need.

Cmag-
Your mom made these changes for a reason. It will be quite the shock to other family members, I'm sure. Best wishes with all of it!

I'm finding myself all over the place emotionally following my mother's death and I am so glad that my nosy step-brother has not called to push the issue of finding out what is in my mother's will which does not include him or his dad. I'm glad this site has an article about probating a will and it is very practical.

https://www.agingcare.com/articles/estate-administration-probate-after-death-in-family-153107.htm

I am still waiting to get a certified copy of the death certificate because the doctor has not signed off on it yet. How frustrating! I need to start probating the will for it only gives me 60 days to remove what the will says I've inherited from the house, out of the house. Also, there are some joint ownership accounts and investments which need dealing with that were owned by my mother and I with right of survivorship. This will probably anger my step-brother and step-father, but that is how she set things up.

By the way, I forgot to mention it here, but have you all seen the new video that's gone viral the past couple of days? I had a difficult time finding one in which I could open it. The YouTube ones - I tried one after another and couldn't. I finally found one that was Inside of a news story. It is sooo neat. I watched it several times only because I didn't know where to look when it was happening. So many actions involved and I didn't know who to look at.

Google: Carrie prank at coffee house.

By the way, Sharon, my aunties had set up an ancestry link for us. I forgot my password. But, it's linked to our email. When someone adds a photo or anything on our ancestry tree, it would send us an email that so-and-so added ....comments or photos. Then I can log in and read what it.

If you're interested in this family tree program, it's called: Genie.

I have made one copy of my ancestry search for my niece, haven't sent it yet, LOL!! I can now add to the paper history with some pics of the family members. It is hard to connect to pics of people you don't know but sometimes having the paper history helps to make it more real in our minds.

My aunty is also doing that with old photos. She has given me several DVDs. One of it even has background music. She put the old photos mixed with their current photos. She's also emailed me her e-album so that I can look thru it. I tried to copy and paste some photos but I couldn't. And some I could. Go figure. I don't even know what I'm doing that was right to be able to copy it.

glad~I like that idea. Even though I didn't know this uncle, he is part of the family history and I also have some old photos of my mom when she was growing up and of her parents, which I also never met. My children and nephews told me they wanted copies of the photos of my mom and her parents. This would be a great way to give them a history along with the copies of my search on ancestry site. I only have a couple photos of my dad when he was still in N. Ireland (one pic of him wearing a kilt) but I have a copy of ship manifest that he came on to the US. Now you got my creative juices flowing...thank you!!!

Sharyn-
I would take them to a shop, have them scanned and put on a dvd. My aunt did that with many old, old, photos, added music, etc. This would be wonderful Christmas gift for many in your family, shopping done!

Do any of you have any ideas of what I can do with photo albums of my deceased uncle...I never met him, he had no children but I don't want to toss them out either.

My uncle also had Alz...his wife died in their home and he was living in the house for 2 days before a neighbor discovered his wife had died. The state of PA contacted my mother here in CA as she was the only living relative who could make decisions (this was in 1998). Please get your family members to get DPOA written up...it is so important. Anyway my mom worked with the state of PA authorities to place my uncle in a facility and they kept my mom informed of his condition and followed her wishes for his care. My mom was taking care of my dad at this time who also had Alz.

What can I do with these photos??

AndGlad-thank you for your kind words. I thought maybe because she called me immediately after asking me on facebook and I didn't hear my cell phone ring..she may have thought I didn't want to talk. I really didnt expect her to callimmediately and my cell for some reason shuts off the ringer when not in use. I am not going to worry about it. If it ia meant to be it will happen.

Sharyn-
Sorry your friend is Texas is never available. I have high school friends that live within a mile of here. I run into them when in the grocery store, etc sometimes. They always say they will drop by when out for a walk. This is one of the consequences that I must pay as a caregiver. My situation is uncomfortable for them as well as my mom's condition. One day, this too shall pass.

I agree, nothing should be off topic here. We all are dealing with dysfunction in one form or another and sometimes we talk about general info or just is going on in our lives that has nothing to do with caregiving. We need that because it is a vital part of our lives too. Hugs

General info to share:

I am so focused on the health of my hubby, eating better, reducing sodium and carbs that I put my mom on the back burner. She has called me twice today. Not a problem because our conversations were pleasant. She has been at the community now almost 6 months. She still wants to go home which I expect that as long as she has a memory of her house. She called me early this morning, she was upset and close to tears. This is what is hard for me, when she cries, ,because she does not do that often. I am the emotional softy who cries easily, LOL!! She was sad because she said she had $10 and someone took it. She couldn't find it anywhere. If anyone took it, it would have been another resident because the staff has been great about not taking things. I know this because when we first moved mom in, my sister did not go through my mom's dresser drawers. After 3 weeks, I went through everything looking for keys we needed and I found a small jeweler box she had with a diamond wedding set and other jewelry. She had over a $100 in her wallet for a long time until I could get her to agree to let me put it in her accounts. Anyway, I told her this morning I would come over tomorrow with Midget and we would get this taken care of. She accepted that. She called again this afternoon, her concern is the blurriness in her vision. We talked about the surgery the eye suggested, she is against it and so am I. I really think her vision is Alzheimer's related because the eye dr. said she has had these little bumps on her eye for a long time. Getting her to wear an eye patch for week will be impossible, not rubbing her eye due to discomfort...she wont understand to not take off the eye patch. Maybe i will check out that prescription for moisture drops in the eyes and see if it may be a better alternative to using OTC moisture drops. Alzheimer''s messes with the brain so much as it progresses, since we have taken her to the eye dr. in last 3 weeks, I really do think this is part of the disease messing with her vision.

I tried calling my old friend in Texas, but she didn't answer for whatever the reason. I will not call again...the ball is in her court now. No big deal as too many years have gone by since we have talked and our lives have taken different directions. I didn't expect her to call me last night when she asked if she could call. Anyway, if it is meant for us to make contact by phone, it will happen. Have a good day everyone!!!

Oh, and BTW nothing is off topic here... :-)

Abbazgirl~ I chuckled at your post weeeeeee!! LOL!! All I know to do is to click on the "Last" button located either at the top or bottom of a page. If you have notifications from this site being sent to your email, you click on it, it will bring you close to the last posts. Glad to see you coming back and wanting to post more. You will support here from different posters.

Hi abbaz - you scroll to the top of the posts under the title or the bottom of the posts, under the last poster and click on "Last" to get to the last post. if you want to back and read what has been posted the past few days -click on "Prev".

Many here understand your dilemma as they have been abused since childhood. My mother does not have Alz but has had Borderline personality Disorder and narcissism all her life. Now she has been diagnosed with paranoia, and is barely competent. I believe this is due to aging. I have found that I do best by being honest with mother and by setting boundaries which is what I have learned over the years I have to do for my own protection. I wasn't sure how to deal with the paranoia, but finally ended up gently but firmly telling her the truth. It is what works for me at present. . If my parent was in the last stages of Alz, I don't think it would work.

However one constant is that no one has to take abuse. I wouldn't scream or let your frustration build to that degree. I have told mother that if she is nasty to me, I will not visit her. Mother also finds fault with everything around her. I may listen for a short while, then change the subject or tell her I think they are doing the best they can and over all she is well cared for. If she gets mad at me I leave, or cut off communication for a while. Even if your mother is in early stages of Alz she will recognise boundaries I believe. In any case, you do not have to stay in her presence and listen to things that upset you. Many times I (and others) do not answer phone calls, or emails, and/or remove ourselves from their presence to preserve our own sanity.

Dysfunctional parents use FOG fear obligation and guilt to manipulate others. Practice recognising these and not reacting to them. Detach from her and set boundaries.

some ideas about detaching -
Accept that they are responsible for their own choices
Anger –deal with it in a healthy way
Blame –don’t blame and don’t accept blame
Consequences – face them and see that others experience them
Decide what you are willing to do and what you are not willing to do
Detachment is not a feeling so much as a choice of behaviours, though the feelings should follow the behaviours. Detachment means you can maintain positive behaviours towards to others –kindness, compassion,
Don’t take on blame, guilt, manipulation, anger - don’t enable
Focus on yourself
Forgive, but don’t forget the need to protect yourself
Grieve the relationship as it was, the hopes that you had, the mistreatment you received,
Refuse to be manipulated e.g, emotional blackmail
Respond, don’t react
Separate - physically, emotionally, spiritually, mentally, socially from others behaviours/feelings
Set boundaries
Say “No”
Space –create it between you and them
Try not to take the behaviours personally
Treat others and yourself with love and dignity
You can only control /change yourself – your emotions, your behaviours –do not take responsibility for the others feelings or behaviours
Realise it is a process and that you will make mistakes and get “sucked” in, but that you can learn from your mistakes.

As the disease progresses you may need to change your tactics.

(((((Hugs)))))) let us know how it works out

Sorry I posted weeee. I goofed. Question: how do I get to the current post since they are post with the earliest date to the current date. I don't want to tap 4000+ times to get to the current one. Sorry to be off topic.

Weeee

If Mom and my sister were not enough, now husband is acting up. He is in a fog about half the time and the rest of the time is argumentative. Such fun. I'd go back to work if I wasn't in constant pain and can't sit or stand for more than 10 minutes at a time. Such fun.

Abbazgirl~Welcome to the thread!! I completely understand. My mother was abusive during my childhood and throughout adulthood. She has what I believe is a personality disorder. Mom was always distrustful, suspicious, always right never made mistakes,perfectionist, and controlling. As the Alzheimer's progressed, she started accusing me and sis of stealing from her, trying to get control of her money for our own use, trying to make her think she was crazy,etc.We were worried about her safety, getting scammed by others.Sometimes we would not talk to mom for a couple months at a time because of her combativeness. Then I started to change how I thought about my mother's situation. I decided to treat everything with my mother as though it were a result of the Alzheimer's instead of it being her abusiveness talking. I no longer took it personal if she accused me of taking financial files from her house. I am not saying it still did not hurt my feelings, because it did, I just didn't become defensive and argue with her about it. Instead I would tell her, I don't need your money, I have my own. I don't want your house, I have my own. I would tell her, the missing file is here in the house, it probably got put somewhere else, I do that all the time. By telling her this, she would calm down and then start looking through the house until she found the missing item. I was able to become mom's ally instead of her enemy. My sister has not been able to do this with our mom. My sister can't forgive mom and she wants our mothers acceptance and love...that will never happen. Come back and share anytime!!

My mom was just diagnosed with mild alzheimer dementia. We had her 5150 to a geripsych unit where she was diagnosed. She is now in a locked residential facility. I have become the caretaker, having medical power of attorney as well as successor trustee. Mom is in Calif. I'm in Illinois.

Even though I've had to handle transferring assets, rehabbing her house, her diagnosis and placement, I've been pleased that I've done a good job. So, what's the problem?

Mom verbally and abused me from the moment I was born. I've had emotional/mental illnesses and in treatment for 35 years. I am handling my life well and dealing with people in a positive way. I've dealt with mom's abusive behavior and learned ways to cope....which has include limited time with her.

It is hard for me to separate her dementia symptoms from the way I was treated all my life. Yes, they are worse and happening to others as well, but mostly my brother and I get the rage lambasted on us. As I read posts about how to deal with repeating stories, for example, I want to scream! I won't continue to listen to how I have done...blah blah blah..and am a liar and deceiver and a member of the selfish generation...etc. I am frustrated with her constant putdown of anything that goes on at the Residential home. Everything is a twist of the truth, negative, and paranoid. So, this is dementia? But, this was my life as a child. Did she have dementia then? Do I treat her the same as I've learned in the last 35 years or do I need to adapt because it's now medical? Granted, she has only been diagnosed and placed for about 2 months. but I have so many questions that are rolling around in my head. Unfortunately, I can't find a support group in my area. I need help so that I don't slip back into an overwhelmed stupor!

Getnstrong-you are right about some people being in our lives for a season then moving on. After high school we drifted apart and of course I got married a year after graduation. This friend in Texas...we wrote back and forth but after kids came along it got harder to keep up. Who knows what will come of us calling each other, it may be we will only have the past to talk about...I am hoping it will be more but time will tell.

Joan-i am glad you are feeling better. The flu already...I hope the flu season is not too bad. I had a bad flu once, with pneumonia...not fun at all.
Our aspens are scattered over the sierras, some are hard to get to due to the terrain.
We didn't miss having mashed potatoes and the small amount of stuffing I put in the breast cavity was perfect for the 3 of us without being too much extra on the carbs. The veggies I made, hubby and my son both thought it was rice,lol! I grated up green and yellow zucchini, carrots bell pepper and onions and added sun dried tomatoes with garlic and baked it at 450. They both ate it up thinking it was rice.

Ballnchain-welcome to the thread! You are wise to back away and just visit your mother at your leisure enjoying the time together. My sister started to get a little forceful with our mom when mom was diagnosed as incapacitated due to Alzheimer's. She found out mom may be mentally incapacitated but she can still put up a good fight if you try to force her to do something. Sis and I work togetheras dopa, she being the primary, me secondary. Sis lives out of town so I take mom to most of her appiontments. Mom is in memory care now as sis and I both have to work. Sis has health issues too and she takes care of all the financial which I am glad. I think I have the easier job of taking care of the medical.

Bookluvr, you hit it on the head. I somehow got sucked up in that very situation. They have a subtitle way of making me servant and standing back giving orders to whoever appears consistent or helpful. They abuse emotional attachments that I have. Unfortunately mom is on the loosing end. She is 84 and at the rate they are going to make sure no one else will make it to that. Thank you for your confirmation!

balnchain, how ironic that given POA, it gets into siblings heads that they have authority. Sis with financial POA actually has more power because she controls the money. Unfortunately, with her medical issues and her son's unemployment, she is too close to temptation of misusing your mom's money. Sounds like she will use all kinds of excuses to touch that money. As for bro with medical POA, he's fighting with sis of other POA - Power Struggle. You were right to just back-off. Be careful. Both may decide that it's best that you take care of mom and they sit back and dictate to you. Know that They have the POA, therefore, they are responsible for her care - medically and financially. You can be the dutiful daughter who visits mom. Please continue to keep your boundaries up when it comes to your siblings. Like you said, your mom chose them. Let them handle it.

My mom is not recovering well after a uti and stroke 2 months ago. My family of 7 has 1 son who is POA. We all are 50 t years old. To keep my own peace I made my time 3 hrs a day to sit with my mom that was convenient for me during early afternoons when no one else could. It was working out great. I give mom facials then rub her knees with Ben gay and her favorite music. No one else has this connection with her but when jealousy arises from 2 other older siblings for no reason they want my time slot. One sister completed breast cancer treatments and uses her issue to push people around to get what she wants. She seems to be ok but no one else is to matter but her. She brings her son who is not employed and has his wife and wife's son living with her, to visits and everywhere else with her all of the time and he try's to fit in with siblings. She thinks he can pick up slack that she can't do which makes him think he has authority she would have. She has financial POA and can't even understand what to do and he is involved with her in my moms financial matters. He is like her guard dog for no reason against her own family. My brother has medical POA and in my option the stroke should have been seen about before she was admitted in the hospital. I had to make the choice to take my mom to the hospital due to her lethargic condition at home by herself for 2 days. He try's to take my time slot away from my visit because of jealous sisters wanting it. I don't think he has authority to insert people into visiting time slots just because he has POA. It is very painful revisiting childhood issues while dealing with these people. I have chosen not to visit anymore because it has become unbearable for me to deal with these people. After all these are the two people that my mom choose to handle her affairs. Married 30 years3 great kids and try to lead a normal life.