The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Glad-sorry but I am keeping him as long as I can, LOL!! Tomorrow we are going up the mountain the aspens are beautiful now. He said he came to pamper us both so I am going with it!!

That is what happened with our 86 year old.
They told me I abused the 86 year old.
Catholic charities told me to move out, so the then 84 year old
could move back in. well she never did...

I had her diagnosed, with dementia, before I ever gave her any medicine for dementia,at that same time she was declared incompetent. That was in 2009, so the catholic charities was 2011, getting the time frame...(two years of care)

It all began on May 9th 2011,
I reported her children for financially neglecting their mother,
NO money for medicine and food remember?
Catholic charities came out in a week or two and did a report from our side.
There was nothing to find, she asked if I wanted training and I said yes.
She asked if I wanted to get paid, by that time it had been 5 years...I said yes.

The interview on the siblings that I had reported on,
was stalled(because they were cooking up a story and getting a lawyer)
that I abused their mother.

When the 84 year (their mother) old left for a family visit,
the fourth of July weekend 2011, she was with her oldest son..???
The one whose wife had wanted her to change her will...
We do not really know where she was, then catholic charities
told us to come in for a "family meeting" a couple of weeks later.
We thought there is going to be a "family meeting" where finally,
at last, the truth would come out and we would be heard.

The family meeting consisted of the oldest son (with the wife-change the will)
lawyered up and me and my friend came in like sitting ducks on a range.

While at the "family meeting", which lasted two hours
I was invited in, for only the last five minutes,
I was told that the 84 year old was afraid of me
and that I needed to move out of her building,
so the 84 year old could move back home, only she never did.

She went to one daughter for 57 days,
then went to the oldest daughter (the one who took her
social security check and gave her no money for food
or medicine) by Halloween, which ironically was the 55th anniversary
of the family coming to America, they had put her put into assisted living
(the problem wasn't assisted living, she was more deteriorated
and needed more or one on one care, which she had already been receiving from me) and sold her home and assets against her will... it gets better...


We fought for guardianship, a guardian at litem was insisted upon, by the lawyer that represented the oldest brother (the false charge of abuse, whose wife wanted to change the will, who also appointed himself POA)... then the oldest brother got temporary guardianship, all going according to plan, then a triumphant grandson rescues the 84 year old with a newer POA, from the assisted living and goes to live again with his mother (the sister for 57 days) by this time 11 months have gone by, the women is 85, she has had four residences, compared to 1 residence for the five years before, where she was living in hers with me caring for her, her house being ordered sold by the court/guardian at litem so the the GAL and the lawyers could get paid, because they in 11 months managed to go through 70,000 dollars (which was all of her liquid cash of which I was never paid back, for the medicine and food). They broke everything down...just as it seemed impossible, somehow the lawyer who had concocted the story of abuse got her story crooked because she allowed the 85-86 year old, to come to my house for the weekend, 16 months ago, blowing her own story of abuse, if I ever saw one.

It turned out that the 86 year old had an obstruction in her intestine and was throwing up violently and had to be taken to the hospital in emergency, where I stayed vigilantly for two days, so she would not be removed from the hospital.

By this time a guardian had been appointed and when she found out the temporary guardian(the oldest brother), hadn't bothered to call while the 86 year old was in the hospital, was asked to resign.

At first we thought how grand, but do not estimate that a guardian or a guardian at litem will be your best bet, they have their own agendas, you will only be a pong to them.

Her estate was sold and put into a bank account, so now she has liquid assets and does not qualify for "cash and carry" so through these 16 months (from June 22, 2012 until now) I have not been paid (from her estate or elsewhere) for providing the best un-institutionalized 24 hour care a person could ever receive.

But hey wait a minute, before you think I agreed, to not get paid,
I told the guardian way back in January that I never made such an agreement (who would?) with the court or anyone but let me see...
the 86 year old lost possession of her residence, so did her caregivers all against her will, while the Realtor got....25 grand, for selling the building, the GAL 15 grand, the grandson's lawyer 10 grand, the oldest brother's lawyer (the story I abused the 86 year old with the wife who wanted to change the will) 12 grand, the bank 7 grand a year for writing checks, were waiting now to find out how much money the guardian made, while we the caregivers who received many years of on the job training are now professionals, have so far until now although requested since last January, to be paid still remain unpaid, for doing a great job, while they still bring up, the false allegation, although they did give her an allowance, but that is for her, we still are unpaid....

So I guess right now, I think. they think we are quaking in our boots, but hey, this family was so dysfunctional, what the GAL and guardian can do is no more than we have already been exposed to.

Right now our lease is up and if they are planning to do something,
this would be the time...We still do not know how our story will end,


By the way did I mention that I am disabled...
collectively I was born with a heart condition have had two major open-heart surgeries the last one being 16 years ago, have had three strokes affecting both the right and left sides of my brain, but am left with left side hemi and say to everyone,

This business of getting old, people is that disability and vulnerability will happen to all of us, sooner or later and everyone always thinks, it will be the other person, come on now people, lets get real.

Hi everyone!
Sharyn, when i go to fast foods, I know that what I order is a no-no, especially the fries. Fries are such a big NO-NO for my cholesterol. The worst is Kentucky Fried chicken. One piece of chicken is just as bad as a weiner hot dog. And I love all 3. When I hit high cholesterol very fast, I asked the doc to not give me meds. That I will watch my meals. It worked. A year later, my high cholest went down dramatically. It was an Awful year of NO KFC, No hamburger and Fries, No Fried meat, No greasy pancit/noodles. And I forced myself to eat more soups as meals, added more veggies and fruits. Well, I fell of the bandwagon. I do eat the No-Nos but in Moderation. And my cholest is slowly going up because I still refuse the meds...terrible side effects....diabetes.

Hello Margeaux, really have to watch your dementia elder, they can still be crafty when they need too it appears! I do have POA and met with an attorney on an irrevocable trust to assist in any additional money needed to care for my parents. The nursing agency called today after I got home, I really like this Marilyn shes dealing with same,however her parants aren't ask difficult as mine. She went by to see my folks to ask them what the game plan is. Dad said he mother goes first he will got to the VA in arVirginia to live his last days. Neither of them are willing to move into assisted living at this time. I hate this, it never needed to happen but they made this choice, Marilyn reminded me and don't feel guilty, you can't help people that don't want it! This horrible I'm so anxious all the time I can't focus. Marilyn said that when the time comes it will take something major for them to allow me in to take over, and when I do take over sell the house they are going to hate me. She said because my dad is so difficult if they go to a home there will additional charges to compensate staff having to cope with him. GEEEEEZZZZZZ!

Cmag - my sympathys for your loss.

Sharyn-
What a wonderful son! Send him my way when he is done there!

Margeaux~Thank you for asking. As far as the in-laws go, I should learn to not take them personally but it never to ceases to amaze me how they have no problem crossing my boundaries without shame. I continue to keep my distance.

Hubby is doing good. He is stubborn on following a healthy diet though especially if I did not cook. Friday, I was not able to get anything cooked for him before I went to work. He went to Jack N the box, ordered 2 jumbo jacks and a small fry. I showed him Saturday while online how many carbs and sodium was just in one jumbo jack. It is his choice when I am at work.

My son is here now, we are having a good visit. He won't let me do dishes or anything, WoW. I shall enjoy it while he is here.

When I am with my sister, she is enjoyable to be around. However, I realized yesterday when we were having lunch with mom that my sister has a very different attitude around mom. She is too serious, and boarders on being arrogant. I don't know if it is her way of protecting herself from our mom, but I can see why our mom becomes combative with her. It took most of our visit for me to get her to lighten up and be how she normally is when she is just with me. I don't know why I didn't see it before.

How are you Margeaux? How is your mother doing?

Gotta go enjoy my son somemore!!

Sharynmarie,

How are things going for you and your husband?
I hope he is doing better, and that other chaos has gone away.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Zoolive,

I definitely think that when people are difficult when they're younger if they get Dementia or Alz they being difficult can increase. We had an extremely narcissistic aunt, (mom's sister). I'm sure after having read about personality disorders also, she must have had it. Unfortunately she was never diagnosed, since as you are describing it appears your parents still want to control every aspect of their lives, meanwhile the reality is they're out of control on many fronts, aren't they?

My mom and her now deceased sister pulled this stunt on the family.
Well really regarding revocation of a POA, was done by our aunt, since by then mom had Alz. But our aunt also, was behaving very irrationally as you've described your father.

This must be very difficult for you, given that you lost your job, for which I am very sorry about. It's anybody's wonder, when other relatives don't want to get involved either. But I'm rather confused, do you still have POA for them?
It appears that this keeps coming up lately on this thread, as to what kind of powers especially relative caregivers have over their elders.

Maybe you need to talk to an attorney about this matter.

Take care,
Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

I am so sorry to hear what you're are both going through. I can empathize, and know what it is to try and help someone who sabotages you at every turn. Try to put your health and well being first....easier said than done for sure. Just want you to know that you are not alone in this situation.

iwentanon, WoW, are you in the middle of the madness, so sorry!!!! However I relate sadly enough I get every word you said. The more I read on this dysfunctional page, now caring for those same dysfunctional parents or other family member it makes since it's not just the dementia. Dementia just makes bad behavior worse in the case of my father especially. A friend told me tonight as I sat on the phone balling my eyes out, that I'd better hope my dad passes before my mother he is a angry mean old man. James Taylor wrote a song called I was a Mean Old Man. My father always looking for a war because he was raised in a war zone growing up passed it to me. I 've been in counseling off and on all my life to get better and I have. But any contact lately with either of them is blowing up my anxiety to the point of collapse.

They called tonight to get the number for the agency I hired to take care of them, my dad is firing them. He got angry at the physical therapist the nurses aid explained he can't talk to people that way so I'm sure that has something to do with it. Everything I set in place to help them they've either changed it back or threatened to remove me from durable power of attorney. I lost what monetary security I had for them to just decide NO I want it my way again. I ask how are you going to take care of yourself mother, dad can't drive her to the doctors. He hates her doctor yet never met the man. They defend each other without regard to what is really going on because their so messed up with dementia they don't even know how much help they need.
If I put them in assisted living they'll hate that too, then blame me! I called my dad's sister for help forget about that she wants no part of it, hasn't called me back. Dementia and my family are a no resolution situation. I can't afford to get a job then loss it again at their whim. They are the most selfish people I've ever known with know regard for how their decisions will affect me or anyone else.
So when my mother called tonight I answered the phone she said may I speak with Sherry, I said mom it's me she is totally out of touch, maybe they want to die. I've called adult protective services to check on them in the past they won't let me in. So I' hired help now they are firing them tomorrow. I've told them both either you guys allow help in the house or if Mr. Judge decides you're not handling your life's the state takes over then I have know say you'll have no say and could end up anywhere with a state appointed someone managing the money you don't even want me to manage. God I wish this would all go away because the stress they are causing in my life is seriously effecting my health.

Sorry to ramble but this really upset me tonight hearing all my hard work as well as losing life as I knew it was not something they could appreciate. I know their sick but they've always been selfish and self centered!!!!!!!!

Brandy~I understand.It is rough to be around critical spirits all the time. Boundaries and detaching is all I have found that works. This is part of the reason I want to move to Idaho, LOL!!! Runaway from all of it!!

Sharyn, I too had in laws from hell. When my daughter was born, mil said "just what my J____ needed was another mouth to feed and she wouldn't even hold the baby. Husband sided with monster in law. And that's just the tip of the iceberg of the things she said to me.

Sorry for your loss cmag. Sending you the best wishes during this time.

So sad to lose someone, we are all here forsuch a short time, God Bless!

cmag - so sorry to hear....(((hugs)))

Never Underestimate the Nature of Human Will.
Never Underestimate the Nature of the Human Mind.

I came to this website somewhere last Christmas,
with the words and column line of dysfunctional families and how are you doing
my own family is dysfunctional there is no doubt about that,
but it has taking me this long to figure out
what the problem is with my 86 year old's children
and why I was drawn here in the first place.

She the 86 year old in addition to Dem/Alz has many OCD's
including those with eating, (some form of anorexia) swallowing pills,
washing her hair because she is afraid water will get in, etc.

They started hating me for taking care of her.7 years ago.
Until it has grown into this horrible thing, I suspect narcissistic personality disorder.

Failing to recognize other people's emotions and feelings
Expecting others to go along with your ideas and plans
Taking advantage of others
Expressing disdain for those you feel are inferior
I found this on the internet and I said wow, this is it.

I could not explain their hatred, since they do not really know me.

My 86 year old women is my friend's mother.
My friend is a person who took me in a couple of years after having my stroke.
That is why I noticed she wasn't OK the 86 year old.

When I overheard the oldest brother and his wife
asking the 86 year old to change her will
and the oldest sister changing the 86 year old's bank accounts
and not giving her money for medicine and food,
I reported them to the Senior abuse hotline, but not right away
it took some time to be able to prove it.

According to the senior abuse which in our case turned out to be
catholic charities, they believed a counter charge that their mother was afraid of me, that I abused her.


Well we knew the charge was never true,
but you have to watch out,
some siblings are tricky,
out there and then ask me,
"Why was she returned to me
and her son and has now been here for 16 months?"

IS THERE ANYWAY TO PROSECUTE A NARCISSIST?

I know there are some of you out there,
that have strong opinions, and might understand something about this?

Can I tell you how their display
of nonsupport has caused me many difficult moments
during my years of caring for her,
including saving her from a nursing home
(where she lost 17 lbs. in 12 weeks) she is doing fine now,
but still has the Dem/Alz but I aide her
in doing everything she did on a daily business.

She still hangs with her friends, goes to the German club,
etc, things she thought and has the right to enjoy even with her diagnosis,
out of sight, out of mind is where we are at with her diagnosis.
As soon as she eats she doesn't know what she had,
but while she is eating and/or cooking she knows that she is eating her favorites.

I think it was the comment about the eyes glazing over,
I guess some people do not understand how their indifference
impacts the caregiving role,

I wonder about the saying, "that it takes more muscles to frown, than to smil",
I wonder if it also applies to the issues of caregiving that it takes more to not caregive
than to caregive, and by their lack thereof cause more harm to the caregiver, and their own mother and is is there anyway, to ever get them back on board?

I think the only way to stop this insanity is to get people to band together for social change for our senior population, or else things we do not like and are not working well already will happen to us baby boomers. And as we know we have been able to change many things...

Sorry for your loss Cmag... please know you are in my prayers, and please remember to take care of yourself.... sending you lots of hugs.

Sorry for your loss cmag. Back in January we went through the process with my father. It is never easy. Take care.

Sharyn, my therapist mentioned role-playing. I reacted so quickly to it - that she backed off. She hasn't brought it up again. I don't think I'm ready for that. Too fast, too soon.

Sad1, atleast your therapist gives you the names of the books. Mine gives me these vague books that I can read and promises to email me the names. So far, nothing. Yesterday's therapy, she said that she found some workbooks that would be perfect for me in my current therapy ...except she didn't bring it to our meeting place. Again..I have a feeling this will be another "no show." Unfortunately, my therapist runs with the current local lifestyle - late for meetings (100% - yesterday was the worst - 40 minutes late), and promises to email info and doesn't. A bit frustrating but I do get along with her. I'm comfortable with her to open up - unlike the other therapist. She gives me such broad assignments and I ALWAYS come back - finding out that MY interpretation and HER's our soooo different. Problem is that I spend HOURS researching the assignment, and then find out weeks later that that is not what she meant. Hello?! It's not like I can read her mind... {{ laughing }} even though that is one of my "personality problems." =)

Yesterday, in therapy, I mentioned to her about mom's funeral, how uncomfortable I was during the viewing as my siblings stood there staring at mom. How I was all over the place until baby bro noticed me staying outside the perimeter. He asked if he hug me and I just stared at him. And he hugged me tightly right there in front of everyone (front of the altar at church). Since then, he has twice told me that he loved me. And how I cannot say it back to him. She said that some people cannot say the words but their actions reflect it. So she asked me if I have shown my brother how much I appreciated those words to me. I shook my head. So, after therapy, I went to Kmart and bought baby bro's favorite local snacks. I will mail it to him some time next week.

She asked if I send him emails. I shook my head. I have been very negligent of my off-island siblings since I found this site. It was this site that helped me get thru my caregiving. My siblings heard my cries for help and did nothing. Out of sight, out of mind. It was this site that where I could vent and you ALL understood where I was coming from, and gave advice to help me handle the parents. I had previously told all my sibling my suicidal thoughts and they did nothing...but this site was the one who literally pulled me off the edge of the cliff. I had already the PLAN - when, where, how, etc.... I had it down to where my body would be found still in good condition to be identified and not rotting and liquified inside a car at the side of the road (like one person did here on island.) And I got some very hard truths that helped pull me away from the edge. So, since last year year, I have turned to AC for all my anger, resentments, solace, comfort, etc...no longer my family. Then when mom died, my siblings gave me lip service. The money from the funeral would go to me since I put my life in hold for over 23 years - they told me. When it came, they decided to keep their portion of the money - except baby bro gave me his. I learned how my siblings truly were when mom died. I got hurt more. Again, I came to AC for help. I went to therapy with the thought of helping me to overcome this anger towards my siblings. I don't want to hate them. I just want to accept them "as is" and how to protect me from them and their actions. Instead, therapy is more about taking care of me. Okay..eventually, we will reach that goal of learning to accept others for what they are.

I will go back to sending emails to my siblings...

Sad1~I remember reading a lot of books by John Bradshaw when I was going through therapy. I cried so much reading those books...it is hard work.My therapist was interactive...she would role play where she was one of my parents. She would yell at me the things I told her my parents would say to me...then she would yell out...HOW DID IT MAKE YOU FEEL?? TELL THEM HOW IT MADE YOU FEEL!! I would yell back at her how it made me feel, what they did to me,etc. It really helped to get my anger and pain out. This type of therapy may not be for everyone, but it sure worked for me. The only thing I did not get from therapy was coping skills....that may be because I did not know to ask about it. When I came home after a session with her, I was so exhausted, I would sleep for a couple hours.

I learned a long time ago to keep my in-laws at a great distance. My relationship with my mil was great until my son was born. After his birth, I learned my in-laws did not have confidence in me to take care of a baby. A month after my son was born, my mil/fil went on vacation to GA, this is where fil was born and all his relatives live. When they came back...my fil told me that my mil worried the whole time they were gone about whether my son was being taken care of. That was a big blow to my self esteem and I realized then that all the things my mil said to me was just lip service...she didn't believe in me to be a good mother to my children, or a good wife to her son. My in-laws attitude toward me was passed on to my sil, bil, and their children, and the relatives in GA. I have strict boundaries with them and proceed with caution.

I am glad therapy is working out for you and that you get her support and feedback. You are doing a great thing for yourself and how you handle your mother. There will always be days when you don't want to see or talk with your mother and that is ok. If you are not up to it on certain days, my experience has been, it is best not to see my mom. Hugs to you, take care!!

Cmagnum,

I am very sorry about the passing of your mother.
She is at peace now.
May her spirit soar very high!

Take care of yourself,
Big, big hugs, my friend,
Much Love & Light, Margeaux

Cmag~i am sorry for your loss. Sending prayers and thoughts to you during this sad time.

Cmag so sorry.. Hugs...

Cmag, soooo sorry about your mom. {{HUGS}}

So sorry for your loss.

cmag, so sorry for your loss.

Good for you. They are usually very helpful. Hope you get some sleep tonight.

I already have an appointment to meet with the funeral home in the morning at 10am.