The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

ExhaustedJenny
Independence, MO
Caring For
I am caring for my mother
About Me
I'm the youngest of 5, 4 still living. I am an RN, APRN, wife and mother of 5 (4 some & 1 daughter, 20-29yrs). My loving husband is an Occupational therapist and my second oldest son is a paramedic so we seem to be the defacto caregivers of my extended family as a whole. I cared for my Grt,Grt Aunt in her home 24/7 for about a year until she passed peacefully at 108yrs of age in 1994. I cared for and took custody of my father when his progressing (rapidly) alzheimers became too much for my mother and others moving Dad to AZ where I was living at the time and cared for him, financially supported him (my mother kept every penny of his SS, not legal btw), protected and advocated for him until his last breath in his own bed in our home as I always promised I would do for about a year and a half. I've run to aid of multiple family members in need over the years as well. I help advise and care for my older brother who sadly died on July 4th, 2017 after battling cirrhosis for several years. Now I have been caring for my mother since her stroke in late February this year. My son and I have given up our entire lives, sacrificed everything including our own money (and my husband is our only income right now as I cant work and care for mom 24/7) for over 7 months with basically NO help from either of my sisters at all. Eldest sister said she'd help if we let her take & use moms car as her car was repossessed (2nd one in less than a year) right after moms stroke, she got her wish and then relieved me one time for less than an hour and complained the entire time. She made it clear she "has no inclination towards doing it" (her own words). We then didnt see or hear from her for weeks on end. Other sister got angry when mom decided to remove her from her bank account once her stoke almost $1,000 from it and she tried to lie about it to protect him plus it was found she hadn't paid moms property taxes for 2 years nor resolved or paid any of the 7 citations for over grown grass etc on moms property either resulting in my 85yr old mom having 4 warrants for her arrest (5 now) which was learned when mom was pulled over for driving on expired tags (sister didn't do that either) and informed of her multiple warrants by police, fortunately he was kind enough to not arrest her. My mother was distraught and then suffered right temporal frontal lobe stroke that night night. Once removed from moms finances she no longer had any interest or desire in "helping mom" anymore, going so far as saying "I have my own busy life and a family & husband and my own priorities, I dont have time to help take care of mom." Again, her words. Upon opening mom a new bank account we found she had roughly $3000 less than we thought btw, leaving her just over $4000. I also learned mom had no home owners insurance and hadn't for about 5 yrs as she felt it not important (mom has always been very irresponsible and childish with her money, dad paid the bills when mom played). After moms stroke the cost of her medications and required supplies, modifications to the house etc etc sky rocketed. She went from being a non-insulin dependent (oral med only) diabetic to an EXTREMELY brittle insulin dependent diabetic that has a very poor appetite and refuses to drink water or just about anything else (it caused an oral aversion) so she bounces between being dangerously low blood sugars to very high. It took her doctor and I working closely together to find what works best for mom, a variable sliding scale regular insulin and eventually get her fairly stable with the rare exception. This alone has cost HUNDREDS of dollars in insulin alone due to the doctor having to change the type 4 times until we found what seems to work best. Not to mention the cost of her diabetic supplies quadrupling due to now needing to check her blood sugar as many

Update-
Reached out to our neighborhood FB group to see if somebody in the neighborhood wanted to give me a few hours help per week, til I physically feel well enough for things like scooping cat boxes, changing bed linens. Got a few responses. Have a lady stopping by this evening, has pet sitting business, not put off by scooping cat litter boxes, sweeping up floor. Hopefully we can come to an agreement, $$, so I can put the sorry home health non-professional behind me. Current person was here a whopping ten minutes today. Couldn’t believe she tried to extort me for more money yesterday. I’d like somebody to pay me $15 for ten minutes of work someday! Not. That works out to $90/hr. Neither I as an accountant, nor my engineer spouse, ever came close to that kind of wages.

Dad goes to rehab after surgery, right?

Let that turn into a permanent placement.

Work with discharge planning to get Medicaid in place.

TG, Glad brings up a good point. Several of us have expressed over the years the need for your dad to have cognitive testing. Some of your very first questions were about his "mental state". I'm curious why you haven't followed through; I think that knowing that your dad has dementia/mental illness MIGHT make you feel less guilty and give you access to better techniques for dealing with him. Why do you not get this done?

While he is in rehab, talk to the social workers about how to get dad's mental state assessed. Tell them that it is no longer possible for him to live in your home, that he needs constant supervision. That he overspends his budget each month. That he is possibly being fleeced by a "black widow". That he is having a terrible effect on your and your wife's health.

Get him placed. You have a prime opportunity to do this. Don't let it get away from you.

I'm leaning on the individual counseling for me, Dads not an option and sister is out of state, she wont talk anyway becasue its all my fault or all my idea. There was never a close bond between us anyway. Shes right I'm wrong kind of relationship.
No way dad can live on his own, money or otherwise. Not an option. At least in a week he goes for knee surgery so I may have a month without him in the house so I can calm down. Little things make the difference.
Debated whether to give him the letter or not. I never thought caring for a parent was going to be this hard mentally.

TG, have you tried individual counseling to try to figure out how best to deal with the issues that are bugging you? If I were you, I would check into family counseling, including wife, sister and dad. Or check into a geriatric care manager. Has dad had an assessment completed on what his abilities and care needs are?

Is independent living or assisted not an option for dad?

Hit the limit with dad, he was on the phone with my sibling complaining about how bad it is here, we don’t let him cook, we don’t let him help, we don’t like his friend, we don’t let him drive long distances...
 
I hit the wall. After a long time of me doing all the talking and my angel of a bride listening, she advised I write a letter. My mom used to do it all the time to me. So at 3 AM I wrote it all down, Not sure if I will give it to him but laid out all that is bugging me and how he is treating us. It is written nicely but some hard issues.
 
I texted my sibling after he got off the phone with her to see if she wanted the real story but no answer.
 
So I am all alone in this............ I am sad, very sad.

Not a good one today. Was in imaging all day long. First ultrasound, drawing off fluid hematoma on hip. Then guided imaging, drew off fluid from inside hip joint, then injections into the joint.

Got home, pain and exhaustion. Pets fed. Home health aide just quit on me. She says she’s just too busy to care for me. In the middle of the post-op pain and doctor trying to figure out what’s wrong, causing all the pain, hip, down leg, into knee. Not totally surprised, as the workforce here is poor quality. A lot of unreliable people. Just so unethical to not finish the job. Won’t be giving her a glowing review online like I had planned. Leaving me in a lurch.

Glad, no we did not get snow. We have dropped into the 50’s during the day and 30’s at night but by the end of this week, we’ll be back in the 70’s. I’m glad everyone got through the storm with no major issues.

My brother is home and back on a regular diet. He will continue with physical therapy at a facility now. So happy he is home and can swallow.

Golden, your kitties sound like so much fun. I see a cat rescue in Boise on Facebook, it’s all I can do to control myself to not adopt a couple kitties. Tiger is 17 now, it would be too much for him.

Take care everyone and stay warm.

stacey - sorry for the typo

glad - the worst here was in southern AB - it was not expected this far north Thankfully it is warmer today, but crisp, Storm is over but sore throat is still here. Thx for the reminder about the furnace filter - gotta do mine.

My new avatar is Rocky - our other orange kitty. It shows his tufted ears, I think he is the prettier kitty, but both are precious. Wonder what they will get into today. It was using stealing cherry tomatoes to skitter across the floor yesterday. The mini cucumbers didn't work well. 😋

I am so thankful mother (her ashes) are in their final resting place on earth. Not sure it has sunk in fully yet.

Surprised that the blizzard went so far north, Golden. It didn't sound like it would. That smoky condo is not the one.

Golden, stay in and warm and safe until that storm lifts. We are out 2-3 weeks from average first snow date. We have had an eighteen year drought for a September snow. I love winter and snow, even better if I can stay in, which I try to plan. We do not get the long periods of absolutely frigid temps that happen further north.

Got the furnace filter changed!

Here was such a wet spring and summer that the colors are late. They are saying this week, will be peak. I love the colors of fall. Hopefully the significant snow will wait until the leaves drop, it creates so many problems when it doesn't.

sacey - your fil was a classic narcissist. I know you are not over the years of caregiving yet.

glad -you are nearly done with it. It must be quite a relief to be just about finished with the years of wrangling,

exsister I hung in there with mother as she needed someone even though she was a narc as well as my sister, I got it in the neck from both mother and my sister. The best I could do was detach and keep distance. Look after yourself.

send - nice to have some of the hugs back

tg - it must feel weird not to have bil to care for any more, Re "I break my back to help others all the time, I never ask for anything in return." Maybe it is time to pull back a bit from helping others and just look after you and your wife,

I am in a blizzard area - unexpectedly. The forecast said the snow was to be further south, but we got it this afternoon. I got chilled and got the sore throat back I had from visiting the smoky condo. Hopefully tomorrow will be drier and warmer. If not I will head back Monday with the smoky black kitty for socialization. Should be fun!

Sharyn, you out there? Are you in the blizzard area?

A glitch in expectations. Just found out.
Hubs said work hours 4:30 p.m. to 9 p.m. as I went to sleep last night.
His alarm went off this morning, work is 9 a.m. to 4:30 p.m.
Good Morning!!!!!

TG, dad will fill up the gap quickly? Only if you let him.

I get it with dad, cant change him. As he told my wife years ago, "I never say thank you", I thought he was joking, turns out it is true. He just cares about himself. AS long as he is being served all is good.
Tired of it TBH.
I break my back to help others all the time, I never ask for anything in return.
Oh well.
Just put all the BILs files in a box to go upstairs with the rest of the families files... Feels kind of weird. We are getting some money back from his trust account at teh NH so we will donate it back for them to buy art supplies for the residents. It is the least we can do

New changes on the website this morning!

I noticed there are new hugs. (Maybe someone can test them out by sending me one, I sure would like some hugs).

The click box for private messages is on the left now.

It takes so very little to make my day nicer.

Has anyone noticed other changes?
What are they?

Golden23, thank, and I know you are speaking sense, but I care about Mum so I am tied to my awful sisters. One consolation is that she knows what they are like because they have been very emotionally cruel to her too, and she says would cut off all contact with them if they didn't have children.

Gladimhere, I know how that feels. I was accused on social media of living off my mother even though I pay her rent and help her with everything. I keep records of all our expenses so I will be able to defend myself if they take me to court at some time in the future. Be very careful dealing with people who are willing to stoop so low.

Received the FedEx today. Almost done, small amount held back for last expenses to attorney etc. But, of course one last hiccup. Taxes for the trust were not filed in 2017, the year mom passed. Now this means I will need to file a correction. TS2 no clue about much.

TG, I totally hear ya! My husband's Dad was the exact same way! He was the most unappreciative person I ever met. So many times I tried to get him to acknowledge just how much his son did for him, but it was Rare that he ever even said a Thank You, it was sickening!

On the times that I did call him out on it such as " it would be nice if you said Thank you for fixing your dinner every stinking night", he would lie to my face and say that he did, and that in fact he said so all the time, which was infuriating, and in the end completely useless, as it only upset me, and nothing ever changed, he was a Complete Narcissist.

If something had happened and I was obviously upset by it, he was oblivious, he only ever was concerned about his own creature comforts, never showed any concern for anyone else., ever!

It is very hard to Love and to care for someone like this in your home for any great length of time, and like you, we did it for many years. It breaks your spirit, and believe me, it takes a long time to recover, 2 years later, I'm still working on it.

I guess that is why I have been hard on you over the years, because I see my own situation in yours, and I SO want you to be free of the chains that weigh down your life, but believe me I know how hard it is to break free.

You may remember that we did finallymove him into AssistedLiving, but it was short lived, about 12 weeks until he became ill, fell, was hospitalized, dx'd with Cancer and came back to our home for the remaining 9 weeks of his life, on Hospice.

We definitely would have done it completely different, if we had to do it all over again. There are ways to do it even with little money, well You Know! TakeCare!

Hi all Lots going through lots of things

glad those operated on are recovering well = keep us updated

trying - yes friends are great. Glad you have a good one.

exsister -you can leave the toxic people in your life behind. I am doing that

tg - my condolences on your loss. You did very well for your bil. Re blank emotion on the part of your relatives, you did not cause this and you cannot fix it. It's them not you.

stacey - look after yourself. Those years of care-giving take a big toll in many ways.

glad - I hope it is over. From my experience, sister has not changed - still toxic and I need to avoid her.

chris - things may get worse before can be made better

Today mother's ashes are being buried in the east and, obviously, I am not there, but that does not mean I am not having feelings about it.

Life has been a little hectic. My granddaughter moved out after staying 10 days, I had just about got my house back to where it was and was looking forward to a time when I could concentrate on my stuff when that situation reached a crisis point again and dd and dgs moved back in about a week ago. This time it looks like the best thing is for them to stay a while till dgd gets more help. Oh my!

In the meanwhile, that smoky condo came up for sake again at a quite reduced price and I drove down yesterday and we are going to view it again this evening. It could be a good deal.

Feeling a little overwhelmed today which isn't surprising.

Big (((((((hugs))))) everyone. Do something good for you.

The kitties are growing and growing and so much fun.

Thank you all for the kind comments on my wife's brother passing. It is a little weird that I have one less thing to worry about now but my dad fills that gap quickly.
Being that there are really no friends and his family to take note I did not have to put an obit in the local papers in his state. I put it online on my social media to let my family and friends of my wife be aware. Of course the usual people offer kind condolences to my wife which is very nice and appreciated.
The one thing that really bugs me is my father who lives in our home has said nothing to my wife. Not even an I am sorry for your loss.
When I did tell him he passed, he asked if I told my wife yet. Like I am going to to tell him first? He never listens to the story.
My one sibling did off an 4 word "sorry for your loss" on social media but not even a phone call to her only inlaw on this side of the family. I am not sure what we have done to our family to generate such blank emotion. We care for my father at great expense, we do all the things necessary and yet when it comes time for family interaction we get nothing.
I guess I should be grateful for not having drama. It is just dishearting that my wife has no family left on her side it would be nice for her to have some on this side to make up for it, but alas no.

If mom is competent it is her choice where she lives. Who has her POA's? My experience three girls is a terrible way to grow up. It is always two on one.

You are the caregiver? I was too. Never could figure out how twisteds figured mom would be better off in memory care. She absolutely wasn't. I will be holding onto something ts2 said to me, "mom would have been better off at home". I knew it then, they had no clue. Mom had impossible behaviors that sent her for geriatric assessments several times. And she needed 24/7 caregivers, additional cost, on and off for two years. Moves are very hard on those with dementia.

My 4 sisters who never offered caregiving assistance to me over past 4 yrs (both parents) are threatening to put mom into AL and medicate her against her wishes. She is 90. Manageable in the home. She wants to remain in home. I am livid with sisters and very worried for my mom. Disheartened these days... sigh

Not all of us bound by a sense of duty. Me, it was because I was accused of financial exploitation after about a year caring for mom and stepdad. I was then investigated by APS, then the court appointed guardian and conservator. Had I left I would have looked guilty, I wasn't, APS closed their case. But, not good enough for twisteds. I had no choice. They even went so far to try to get the court to order statements from my investment accounts. The court would not order that disclosure. I guess the twisteds were hoping they would find some large unexplained deposits, oh, yeah, I forgot about that money tree in mom's backyard.

TryingMyBest, thanks for the reminder that I am entitled to a life too. Though I suppose the reason we are all here on this site is because we all feel bound by a sense of duty. It is hard to think of ourselves when vulnerable people depend on us, but we must because we deserve happiness too.

Countrymouse, you could be psychic, because she actually figured that out for herself. She has had a few phone conversations with them and it sounds like they have had a falling out again. She didn't say much to me about them but she is not as keen to spend time with them now. She also reminded me that she has great friends and an excellent doctor here. But of course she could change her mind again tomorrow... Thanks for the advice. It has helped me to see things clearly.

I am a product of my environment and poor sentence construction by a highly educated attorney. What her email actually meant to say is that check and jewelry were being delivered to the attorney's office to send to me FedEx. 😛

Glad, "will it ever be over? ", I'm thinking that will be on you, my guess is that your Ts has finally seen her mistakes of the past, and has realized that she now wants you in her life in some way, perhaps she has had issues with your other sister (T1), and now wants some relationship with you, wanting to reconcile with you for the way she treated you so poorly.

The sisterly bond is a difficult one, so many times on here we read about estrangement and often after the fact, they see the error in their ways and want to rekindle, but the pain of their actions cuts deep and it's hard to get back to any previous relationship with them. As I said before, be careful, unless you are sure they truly mean to be a better person.

As you know, I have 3 sisters, in all of our adult years, we have only ever had 1 falling out, it was over the care of our Dad due to the ones being so I'll with Anemia, (even she didn't know until after) ) exhausted and having Caregiver Burnout (isn't it always?), and it had nothing to do with me, but I was directly affected and I did try my best to be the catalist for repair of those 2's relationship, they both saw how terribly it affected all 4 of us. It did eventually resolve itself, it took a year, apologies were made, but the hurt feelings took a long time to go away, and still 15 years later there is an occasional (private) conversation about it, there was a lot of tiptoeing around them both until finally things got better. In hindsight it was a total misunderstanding, what a waste of time we will never get back, grrr!

I know that your situation is completely different than mine, and I don't know how close you sisters were before you were Caregiving for your parents, so only you know how this might play out with this particular sister, but I do hope it is to your satisfaction, as you were the one so hurt by their actions. I know that not everything can be resolved, even with time, sadly. Take Care my friend, you do what's best for you!

Gladimhere, I wonder the same thing!