notrydoyoda Posted January 2012
The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?
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This is sad news. I know that you have had a difficult time with the state of her health lately. O.K., my friend, I will keep you and yours in my thoughts.
Big hugs to you,
Stay strong!
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
Love and hugs to all.
After the nightmare trapped and abusive car ride my mother called me wanting her stuff, then she got the letter I wrote setting my boundaries and she did the shame and blame- I'm sick and I know you hate me phone call, then the next day - where's my stuff? Wow - really? Not in her soul at all to say I'm sorry for anything. Will be a long time before I go back.
Sharyn - so glad your sil said that to you! You need support now - not any criticism. It's so easy to throw out accusations instead of compliments. We have personally eliminated almost all of our family members - except our kids of course - we are so much better off. Family can be so hurtful and their words cut through us like a knife.
One of my moms few remaining friends told me to choose life...my life - she is a wise woman! I wish she had been my mom!
How can they claim job abandonment if management knew about it. And have they never heard of the Family Medical Leave Act? I would find an attorney to represent you in that, get lost wages and maybe your job back. If you can document that you told them, I wouldn't think it would be a problem.
I am so happy to have this outlet, to express my frustrations and not be judged. Sometimes you just need to vent, even though you know it's not going to change/fix anything.
Your situation with you living far away is complicated. Do I understand you right that you lost your job? That is horrible if you did because it does complicate things more for you. I don't know your situation in regards to having DPOA and if your parents/or one of them has been diagnosed as mentally incapacitated.
Do your parents have any friends that they truly trust? I ask because, in my case...If it was not for a former co-worker of my mothers and a volunteer with the organization we are all familiar with...every I post who they are, this website changes it to insurance....you know the organization that starts sending you info to become a member when you reach 50 yrs. They help seniors with low cost insurance, and other things? Anyway, this woman is a volunteer with them and she has done my mother's taxes every year for free. I contacted both of these women...they already knew my mom had dementia so they worked with me by keeping me informed of what they were seeing with my mother during this transition period of mom not trusting me and sis to help her with her finances. Mom trusted people who were her peers instead of trusting me or sis. She didn't think we were capable of understanding her finances...to mom we are still six years old. Then her personality disorder was a problem because she saw herself as a victim especially with family members.
I am sorry you are going through this, I hope you come back to share some more!!
Hugs to you!
I can relate to the taking of meds for health issues but not watching the diet on a daily basis. My hubby takes his cholesterol meds, uses a patch for high blood pressure, the pills for diabetes plus an injection of insulin. He admitted to me that he takes additional insulin injections so he can eat ice cream. I went with him to the dr. earlier this year when he RX insulin. He told him once a day...anytime of the day but to be consistent and only once.
The only reason I updated them is because I felt I owed that to my fil when hubby was in the hospital. However, I will take an approach with him/them that is unemotional to protect myself. That is all I feel i owe them since they treat me as they do. I let my armor down with them this last week and i will do everything i can to prevent it from happening again.
My son plans to be here for a week and I am off next tues, wed., and thurs. I hope we can do something together one day. Yosemite is out due to the shut down but maybe a state park.
Tonight I am making shredded chicken, spicy Asian noodles with lots of veggies. No soy sauce...I so dislike it anyway, it is too salty for my liking and hubby will have to learn to do without. Instead i bought a salsa with tomatoes, cactus, and peppers. The noodles are already cooked so all I have to do is rinse them and add to the stir fry mixture. Less carbs this way.
Thank you for your support everyone, I had to vent this because bil's visit was a final straw for me during this last week.
Love and Hugs to you!!!
You did the absolutely necessary and humane thing to do under the circumstances. You have a lot on your plate, so I respectfully suggest that
you try to look at these people for what they are, "morons," and very selfish ones at that! Yes, it's a bummer when we realize that in our families, even in-laws they want to hold some bogus control about issues. Really try to ignore some of this,
try to move on into just focusing on your husband, because this is what really matters.
I do understand too, because I get this treatment from my own family, including mother (pre-ALZ). I never got any credit for anything, instead they have always looked upon my views and life style as being too bohemian. They have very conservative views about life in general. It used to bother me, but now I don't give a rats ass, to be quite honest, it doesn't matter to me anymore.
Many times our friends especially the ones who support us, are really family,
and I'm glad you have some of them.
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
Detaching from them isn't a problem for me, its just he put me in a position where all I could do was listen (I was at work). It's not that I wanted to argue with him, it is more that he put himself in a position of power over me by coming into my work place. He never would have come to our home to say this to me in front of my husband because he knows my husband would have said something to him. They will not put a wedge in between their own family members so they go behind their backs to the person they have no feelings for, no respect toward them. This way they keep me at arms length but continue to display their unconditional acceptance of their family member. AT the same time, I am expected to be respectful toward them and put their family first.
Do they ever ask me about my mother...no!! Actually about a year ago, my fil told me he ran into my mother at the grocery store and he was going to say hello to her, but he said, she looked very grumpy and angry so he didn't...and he laughed about it. I told him, my mom has Alzheimer's and jokingly I said she always looks angry. His response was not to respond at all. Not even I am sorry she has Alzheimer's. They don't want to deal with emotions unless of course it is about their family.
During all this with my husband, I received more support from friends who called just to talk with me so I could talk about how I was feeling and coping with the situation. Not one of my in laws called me!!! I kept my fil updated every day after I came back from San Ramon, and the day that I brought my husband home, I called him in the morning to tell him I was leaving to pick him up and that I would have my husband call him when we got home. By 2:30pm, we were still at the hospital waiting for the dr. to come in. I called my fil to tell him we probably wouldn't be home until 5-6. I don't expect anything from them for keeping my fil informed, I would do it again because that is how I am. I had hoped that things had changed over the years, but I can see that even though my children are grown, I am not free from their disapproval of me. Detach, detach, detach!!
You said "they bypass me as much as they and only communicate with my husband knowing that he doesn't provide all info that they would like to have regarding his life". Have you thought that maybe, just maybe that is why they only want to talk to him? Maybe they are in denial about what is going on and as long as they do not get the full story, then they are comfortable not knowing the unknown. I don't think they would like to have all the information, keeps them safe.
This is exactly what occurs in my family. Sibs never call to get updates from me, they that talking with my AD mom gives them enough information. Those are interesting one-sided conversations, newsy calls, other than how are your doing today, to which she replied oh just fine. They actually think mom is capable of telling them about herself.
I seemed to overlook the fact your bil came into your work site to tell you this.
Definitely, I would say something to him about that, if he tries telling you this again.
You wouldn't want to jeopardize your situation while you are on the clock.
Do you feel like he is a bully, this is way out of line!
Margeaux
What toxic in laws you have.
How disrespectful to you.
Unfortunately, this is how people in families who aren't inclusive of the in-laws behave, always berating what someone like you does, and play the blame game.
I would say that the priority here is to try to get your husband to understand, about the foods he's eating, and to take some responsibility. My husband takes medication for cholesterol. He is also a meat and potatoes guy, and loves cheese. He also has a tremendous sweet tooth, and really dislikes doing any active exercise.
Our menu consists more of the legumes, chicken, fish and I do make something with meat in it, especially pasta. Really when it comes down to it's the patient's responsibility. My husband sometimes has the attitude, that he can take his medications, then he can go on eating whatever the heck he wants. I tried explaining to him, that it doesn't work that way. But oh well! I don't go on and on,
about it, but I try what ever I can to rotate the menu. If my husband starts asking me to make him say like Quesadillas (primarily cheese), if he starts asking me for too many, I do put a stop to that.
Yes, it must be terrible to have this environment with the in-laws, that they obviously are not inclusive. This is interesting too, when others try to bring up bad habits or try thrusting them on someone like yourself.
We have a friend who has tried bringing up habits on occassion to my husband, and she has a personality,she's basically a big mouth. She is a nice lady in many ways, but when she gets on a roll, you'd think she had not one bad habit. Meanwhile, she is very overweight. Sometimes when we've gone to visit her she will bring out these little cream puffs, they're finger size. I may eat no more than two. But she sits there and can eat almost the whole box. So this to me doesn't make any sense at all. I say, that if people spent more time minding their own bad habits they just shut up.
In your case they're definitely doing the old blame game.
If they have been this way your entire marriage, really Emjo's idea is good, detach.
Besides, why do you feel the need to update them.
This is what I have to do with my sister. She used to berate me a lot, and I used to be very insecure about it. It was kind of a dance, of I trying to be right with her,
and really seeking approval. I don't do that anymore, because I've come to discover, that this in turn gives these nut jobs some bogus power of us. In turn some of this feeling I used to have has lessened. I almost bit the bait though last week, when I couldn't assist her, covering caregiving for mother.
Now I'm not trying to suggest you be rude, say as if they'd call you.
Your bil is doing you no favor either. But maybe if he or any of them were to tell you something like this, you could point out that the choice is your husbands.
At least you had one relative be on your side.
I have you and yours in my thoughts,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
Yes, they want to rush in to tell me what I need to do...but they won't tell my husband what he should do. After 36 years of marriage, you would think they accept me but they don't!! Hugs to you book!!
I don't like to be talked down to especially by family members who have never shown me much respect, have never expressed actual concern for me as a person regarding my well being. I have to ask...what took you so long (in-laws) to come to me with your concerns about your brothers health??? Now you want to tell me that it is my responsibility to change myself so your brother will change is eating habits for the better. Well guess what, I have provided the food, even cooked it, but if he chooses to go get a burger and fries while I am at work instead of eating what is already cooked at home, I can't control that. When you go out to breakfast with my husband and your father, are you going eat oatmeal and fruit for breakfast? Or are you going eat eggs, ham, sausage, bacon and toast? Are you going to say something to my husband about him ordering 3 eggs and extra bacon, or are you going to just turn the other cheek that this is a special time for the 3 of us? Dear fil, after your wife had her first heart attack, did you quit smoking? No you didn't, you went outside, smoked in the backyard or garage hiding it from her....she knew you were smoking and told all of us, she laughed and thought it was cute. Fil, while you still ate your prime rib, pork roasts...did you encourage your wife to not cook those foods. Did you encourage her to take walks and go with her? When I was trying to cook better for my family by cooking a vegetarian dinner 2-3 times a week, did you and mil support me?? No, instead I was berated for not including meat. When your own daughter was over weight, did you try to help her, support her...what is that word that you use for overweight women...Oh yeah...they are FAT!!! Now you refer to your son as being heavy. Don't come in to my work place and lecture me on how to take care of my husband and how I need to change too!!
I certainly hope your sister is not getting dementia. Do you have a history of early onset on your mother's side of the family?