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OK, now I see the next step can be fraught with tortuous emotional turmoil.
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Sharyn - your husbands coworker was wonderfully perspective! Thank goodness as with strokes time is of the essence! Your husband sounds like a wonderful man! So glad he is doing ok! Work in Livermore?? I think I know where - had a friend that worked there years ago. Hugs to you!
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Margeaux - your aunt sounds just like my mom...even down to using money to control everyone. She accused me of taking all her money, her car and her house! I was so mad! I have put my life and career on hold for the last year for her! My brother washed his hands of her a while ago - at first I was resentful that this was all on me - but after reading some of these stories here I realize at least he doesn't question any decisions or anything like that - I appreciate that aspect. It was good that you were able to relieve your sister - you were a lifeline for her. My husband has been mine - he isn't here with me this week and it has been both good and bad for me. Bad of course as I miss him and his strength - but it is forcing me to be stronger. I emailed my moms doctor late last night and told her quite a bit as I think she needs her meds upped or changed. My mom has always put on a good show for outsiders.

Yes the hope is she will calm down and not get kicked out of where she is!
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Zoo,
You are fortunate you dad has options with Veteran's. My understanding is that they have all sorts of services. Use them as much as you possibly can!
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gladimhere, thanks for responding, yes its a toxic environment. I'm having problems focusing on my life every time I turn around it's because they need something, the entitled two. No one else will help them in the family because they know how they are. I can try to find another agency to come in care management. I had an elder attorney in Richmond that has a friend that was all to willing to get into my folks finances, I don't trust easily myself. I thought that having they would be better having a care agency come in 3 times a week until I could tie up loose ends in Texas then re-access however they refuse to ask to be driven to the doctor. It appears they will not change their ways, at age 86 and 88. Thanks for commenting calling my dads doctors at the veterans hospital now!
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Hi All!!

I am here again!! Having a hard time settling my mind down. I know it was a mild stroke...and I start to get settled then the out pouring from friends and family gets me going again. I am not complaining at all...I know they care about my husband and me...it is just keeping all the emotional stuff under control to talk with them. My husband is loved so much...and he and his co-workers have a brotherhood that is so strong. My hubby works in security for a national laboratory that does defense testing. They are all trained in cpr and first aid. When hubby got to work this morning...one of his co-workers noticed that something was just not right with him. He kept checking on him...asking him if he as ok. Understand my hubby has great pride...not willing to admit there might be something wrong. Hubby told him he was fine. "J" kept checking in with him...then hubby speech became very slurred...He told hubby...you can hate me for this, but I am calling an ambulance. Hubby told him...LOL!!! I will drive myself!! Really????....."J" told him NO!! Sit your a$$ down...I am calling an ambulance!!! When the ambulance got there, hubby wanted to sit in the ambulance not ride in the back. "J" told him...Get your a$$ on the gurney now!!! I know "J"....if he had to, he would have sat on my hubby's chest to get him on that gurney!! Yes, I am very thankful to "J" for recognizing the symptoms, keeping a watch on him...then insisting he get to a hospital. When we went to hubby's work site to bring his truck home..."J" said I hope he doesn't hate me...but I had to do what I thought was right. I have to laugh because this is soooo my hubby...his pride...nothing being wrong with HIM. I didn't call to talk with hubby tonight since I was told they wanted him to have few calls, a calm setting...and my fil said he would call him later. I will find out more tomorrow when I go back. Thank you all again, I needed to vent and get this off my mind!!
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Sharyn, I am so sorry... I hope all is well... **sending you good vibes and karma**
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Sad1daughter,

My aunt was one sick puppy!
Really.....you know mom was diagnosed w/ALZ officially back in 2007.
But after having been w/AC for awhile now, and learning about personality disorders etc., I'm 99.9 sure she must have had some mental illness.
Her assets were intermingled w/mom's. She had no kids, so we....really my sister ended up w/the hands on care for her, and now mom.

I used to go relieve my sister, but because of the toxicity she spewed at me and my history, I deliberately didn't make myself available to more abuse by her. It was too much for me, given the story I shared earlier.

She was at the end.....very paranoid, taking according to my sister about 12 different medications p/day. She did take Vicadin at some time. I tried telling my sister when things were getting hairy over there at mother's to look into NH, for her. But the battle ax was so controlling, trying to act like she was holding us hostage to the inheritance. Sometimes I wonder I must say whether my sister kind of held back on account of this factor. My sister was POA for both mom and the battle ax. She has MPOA for mom, but never had it for our aunt. So if you can imagine, here was this narcissistic old lady calling all the shots. I pretty much
tried to stay a safe distance from all of this. Of course I would go there to relieve when it was absolutely needed. But I would not allow my aunt to step over me any more.

It's great to hear that you do the same. It's not easy, but if we don't do it, there's no one to do it for us. Hopefully with your absence, your mother will have no choice other than to calm down.

Stay strong,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
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Sharynmarie,

It must have been really hard for you trying to keep it together for your husband.
But you did it! Some guys are so like this, not wanting to see us upset, I know
this is what I felt recently with my husband too.

Well just take some deep breaths, hug Tiger.
Let us know about any developments.

I already put out a big spiritual holler for you and your husband.

Take care of yourself sister,
Much Love & Light!
Margeaux
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Zoo-
If you think you will go crazy moving there you probably would. Is there a care management group you could find to discuss your concerns? Of the area agency on aging through the regional government, something? It sounds like a volatile situation if you were to go. You should consider very carefully about giving up your life to try to solve your parents problem.
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So glad to hear he is doing well - and make sure you take care of yourself too! Thoughts, love and hugs!
Karen
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Oh Sharyn - our thoughts are with you! Sending hugs!
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Thanks everyone!!

My husband had a mild stroke that has affected his speech. He has some weakness on the right side with his tongue. They gave him an injection to break up the blood clot. He is on a soft foods diet and someone needs to be with him when he eats for drinks just to monitor for the possibility of chocking. He will be in ICU for 24 hour and as long as everything goes ok (which it will), he will be moved to a regular room for another 24 hours. Most likely he will come home on Saturday.

I can't tell you how scared I have been feeling. Heart disease runs on hubby's side of the family, but being diabetic makes him more susceptible. I never thought he would have a stroke...a heart attack yes...This has thrown me for a loop right now. I talked with both our children, my son first. He is handling it well. My daughter, I was not able to tell her until she got home from work....which was best...she is daddy's girl. She took it well but is weepy, scared.

I could reach my fil...first his phone was busy...I knew he was probably talking to his relatives in GA. So I waited because I didn't want to leave town without him. I knew he would want to go. He is holding up good, he said he never expected to see one of his children in the hospital for a stroke...a broken bone yes.

I have to say, I am proud of myself because I held it together. When we got to the hospital in San Ramon, I found out my husband was in ICU. I wasn't expecting that...so I imagined him with oxygen tubes in his nose...and I started to lose it. I had to take deep breaths and talk to myself...this isn't about you...it is about hubby, hold it together because he does not like fuss or emotional outbursts. I was able to come in without being emotional. He has slurring when he talks but he will be ok. Thank God, he will be ok. Hugs to everyone!!
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So sorry about your hubby Sharyn. You and him are in my prayers. sending angels of healing..... love ya.
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Sharyn, so sorry to hear about your husband. My thoughts will be with both of you. We will be awaiting word from you.
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I really just need to vent! I received a call from my mothers doctors nurse today after she called to set up a follow up appt. for my mother. Dad answered the phone told her the doctors done nothing to help her which isn't true then continued to tell her off. Then he called later left a message on her voice mail never to contact them again or me! I first called to apologize to the nurse, but my dad hates doctors mothers doctors which is stopping her from getting medical help. He's never even met the doctor lucky for the doctor. My dad just wants to fight all the time, it's horrible when he gets like that which is most of the time. No one else in the family will deal with him. I called spoke to mother frustrated she was confused could get straight who came by today who's Linda which is their regular care giver three times a week. I explained she will have to go for follow up if she is going to get her medicine. She was mad I didn't ask how she was I was so focused on trying to get to the bottom of what is going on. It was a horrible conversation. Then she hands the phone to my father stating she's balling me out OMG. It seems to be worse now, mother refuses to move to a home. I'm afraid the state will try to step in. My dad was an alcoholic and my mother beat the hell out of me as a child I don't need this, but yet I keep trying to help. If I moved there sold my home I think I would go crazy! So frustrated, who's going to hire me when they find out I was fired for going back to care for my parents that are still not stable! Thanks for listening I just needed to get this out I'm depressed, anxious and just wanting to get in the care then never look back!
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((((((((sharyn)))))) prayers going your way - keep us updated. Though I am sorry he had a stroke, I am glad it is mild. more (((((((((hugs))))))) and love
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Sharyn-
Sorry to hear that. Hope you and he are doing ok.
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My husband had a mild stroke. I am in SF bay area hospital.... more later...prayers please
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Margeaux your aunt sounded like a total terror! Your parents were just her enablers which allowed her to the house - so sad this happens to families!

I sent my mother a letter yesterday - she is going to be livid....too bad. I felt so good writing it. I told her I would not be back until she can treat me better. That under no circumstances will she talk to me that way again and if she does I will leave. That I will be checking in and if she treats the staff or residences badly, I will not come and that she needs to take her medication the doctor prescribes. I also told her that she had control over her behavior as she was nice to the staff at the dentist after trying to hit me. I warned the asst living peeps that I wrote it - and will not be back until I know her behavior is under control.

We all seem to have such tragic stories - and I do think keeping a good sense of humor is key..that and keeping positive people around us! Too bad we are all over the country...we should have a dysfunctional survivors trip!
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Pegdbeelady, I love what you said, "in the present we can search our souls to improve ourselves and the future will be a calmer place..." Beautiful and empowering. As caregivers, this quote is a good thing to keep in our hearts.
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StandingAlone, I enjoyed reading your post. I would love to write more about it but I am currently out of town. I will be picking up my mother tomorrow. Her and my father were extremely mentally, physically and my father was sexually abusive to a couple of my sisters. I can't remember much of my childhood. I remember a few things but much of it I blocked out. That was my coping mechanism.

The one thing I will not tolerate from her is abuse. I wouldn't accept it as an adult and I am not going to accept it as a caregiver. And, I will tell her that if she wishes to act that way toward me then I will have to send her to a NH. I don't see any of my 8 siblings willing to step up and offer to take her so it's me or the highway.

Great attitude SA. I could feel the fire.
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I know I come from a family who could be on Jerry Springer show for at least 5 years!!! I have a half sister from my Dad's first marriage, who has voiced that she wishes her Mom lived, but our Dad died. I have a twin sister, who is the pride and joy of my Family. She can not do any wrong.

It is amazing to see who steps up and who doesn't. I never thought I would be the "mom" of my family. I am the youngest and I have put my life on hold to take care of my disabled parents. (My father passed away this May).

I have a lot of anger towards my siblings, but I loved my parents enough to focus on them. I hear from parents that they only get their kids for a short time, and then they are gone. I feel that way about my parents. I only got my Dad for 32 years and that was not long enough. So, I don't care how tired I am; I make time to see my Mom every single day.

My Dad wasn't the greatest, and had a very bad temper. Also, I was basically told by my Mom that my twin sister is her favorite. But I know that I am a very special person for doing what I do. It takes someone with a big heart to be a Caregiver.

You are awesome, and never forget that!!!!

Also, let your Dad know that this can't keep up.

Good Luck!!!!
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Sounds like you have an excellent grasp of the family dynamics which do sound rather dysfunctional. Five different sides of the truth is very chaotic which says to me that there is a power struggle going on. Unless you want to find yourself dragged into it more deeply, I am not sure how much you can pry for the truth. If they are all a bunch of liars, how can you be sure that they don't make up some lies about you and for that false reason fire you? I would not want to work in an environment where there are 5 different sides of the truth. I may be totally wrong, but that is my take on this. I wish you the best in surviving that chaos.
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I just started a new job a few months ago taking care of an elderly greek man. He is very wealthy and his children do not understand what dementia is or believe he has a mental illness as well. He happens to be part of the problem by instigating things than playing the victim. I like him and I love my job but I need to also say the son is power of attorney and the sisters are not happy about that but to bad. He is getting 24 hour professional home health care. I just need to know how much can you pry for the truth when you hear different sides. Like 5 sides. I am also in recovery and know how to be assertive and take care of myself but I do not want to take my eye off the beam with these familiy dynamics. Thanks. I appreciate any feed back. wooba 2
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I came down with a terrible sinus flare-up. But I think it was a flu bug.
The other day I was feeling it on Sat., and I'd promised my husband to help him at an exhibit for his work. It was held in this cool old Victorian style home. But it's very old, and I'm sure there is mold in that building. Well they had the air conditioner on, and whamo, it got my sinuses going like crazy.

So I've bee nursing them the last few days. I even made a concoction I found on the internet cutting onions very thinly. They are placed in a plate, then I added a few teaspoons of brown sugar. The recipe calls for squirting a lemon also on top of this, then you let it sit over night. I didn't have a lemon, so used an orange.
The next day I had some of the juice of this, even ate some of the onions.
Boy oh boy, if any of you are in need of a decongestant, or have a cough.....this stuff really works. O.K., thought I'd pass it on, I know we'll probably start hearing about people and the flu bug.

Margeaux
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I follow this thread with Golden Girls on You Tube. Love that show! Night after night after night. Gives me a good chuckle with women that have good relationships with each other. Something I certainly do not have with sisters. I want to be Dorothy.
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Thank you Austin, I think I did too!! You are right, they will join another bandwagon and keep stirring the pot for someone else!!
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Shary I think you did the right thing not going forward with trouble for your employer and I commend you for doing what you felt was the right thing to do-and hope your cat is doing well now-the nosy people will be on another bandwagon soon.
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Standing~I was raised in a very violent household. Physical abuse, mental, emotional, verbal. My mother has a paranoid personality disorder, mostly targeted toward her family but, she is distrustful of anyone who is an authority figure, dr.'s, bosses, the government. So I do know what it is like to grow up in a dysfunctional family. I still maintain that to over come it, is a journey because the damage done to the children effects their relationships with others, at work, and in life in general. The dysfunctional thinking that has been ingrained on their brains usually takes a long time to undo, getting confidence, learning to love oneself. My approach is to encourage others to take it step by step because it becomes so overwhelming for someone coming out of the fog and realizing that their thinking is wrong, they are emotionally stunted, and have allowed others to walk all over them. Most people will become very depressed because of all the memories, so I encourage them to work at a pace that is more comfortable for them so they don't become so over loaded with feelings. Most people have been so beaten down that even as adults they are afraid to take a stand, I use a gentler approach because I was there once. I too was afraid to stand up for myself. When you get so many opinions, different approaches it can be overwhelming just like when I went in to work yesterday. Everyone encouraging me to go for blood against my employer. I have to ask myself, did I suffer permanent damage...no. My glasses were bent, not broken...and they are fixed now and working just fine. Yes, I still have a purple eye.I.I hit blunt force on a cement floor). Yes I was pissed I had to spend my vacation time healing. My vacation plans were already cancelled because of my cat. Life happens and sometimes it sucks!! Some may feel I am a coward because I won't sue them or force them to pay for new glasses. I don't think that about myself and that is all that matters.

Only you know where you fit in to situations, and how you want to approach it. We don't have to agree with each others approach. When a person is ready to stand up for themselves they will do it...on their time and in their own way. There is no time limit, there are no limitations.
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