The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Cmagnum,

I am so sorry that you are going through this with your mother.
It must be very difficult to see her in this condition.
I'll keep you and yours in my thoughts, my friend.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

StandingAlone,

That's some heavy stuff, an understatement.....might I add.
Much of what you have described was exactly who my mom's sister was.
She never had any kids, so mother allowed her to be in our lives toooooo much, for our good. She was the reason I found this site and thread a year and 9 mos., ago. My name for her became the battle ax.

The battle ax exhibited abusive behavior all of her life. But you know that when you are raised around someone like this, then there are other relatives like mother of course who never saw anything wrong her sister did. If ever we as children told mom, of a questionable incident regarding the battle ax, of course it was always defended by mother by, "Well, she's your aunt, and she takes you here and there." Well, taking us here and there was true, but that was basically
was mother's decision....since she didn't know how to be w/o this battle ax sister of hers. Then, our dad the enabler to mom (also a narcissist), but of the more psychological game player variety probably allowed mother to trapse off w/her sister on weekends, just to get her and we four kids out of his hair for awhile.
He was a homebody, and loved rearranging his garden. By contrast, mother hated to be home, and was quite obvious about the fact that she despised her domestic duties. Truth be told, I know this attitude also had something to do w/her parental responsibilities. The domestic chores and parental responsibilities definitely weighed heavily on my sister and me, being the elder of the siblings.
We were left in charge of getting all of us to school, since both my parents worked full time.

The battle ax lived w/our maternal grandmother. Grandma was a great lady, who also was instrumental in our care. I'm so thankful she was around. Truth be told....she was the one who really provided the nurturing for we kids. She was a disciplinarian too, but in the right way.

So the battle ax lived with her. When I was about 9 yrs. old, I remember witnessing the battle ax argue quite strongly with grandma. Grandma was no push over either. She knew how to defend herself. But then the argument at some point escalated to our aunt taunting grandma, by shoving the bathroom door open, as grandma was on the other side. This was my first visual of something I knew wasn't right. By then I understood that we're supposed to respect our elders and all of that, but here I was witnessing this woman totally dis-respecting my grandmother.

Later there were incidences in which grandma threw the battle ax out of her house, on account of a fight. Much later my sister and me heard through the grapevine, she'd tried aggressing on her own mom physically. But guess where she'd end up.....our house!

This is one of the reasons I could never have a close relationship w/my mom.
I just could never understand why it was she had this inordinate need to always have her toxic sister around. There were other reasons, in mother's case also.

As the years passed the battle ax became more brash, bold and was the queen of sarcasm. In a nut shell she was one horrible person. By then, I'd heard from extended family members of incidences at family gatherings, and the battle axes behavior. So the writing was on the wall. But this was back in the day, when people weren't in touch with mental health, and the fact that possibly some of the behavior could be attributed to this also. Instead, if ever our aunt's name came up in conversation it would turn into people kind of smirking with one another,
because many of them thought that she was a big mouth, always managing to say some either unkind or sarcastic comment. We got it, many people either didn't like her, or just put up with her.

The battle ax continued on throughout all of her life being the mean, controlling,
sarcastic person she'd always been. But now....it became even more pronounced. As the years passed after grandma died, the BA, moved again in w/us. Of course always causing some trouble, and by now all we the children were becoming young adults. So our reactions to some of her stuff, was not as it used to be when we were kids. One day, my sister was cutting some onions in the kitchen. The BA, said something awful to her. My sister (the rebel), they never got along either.....said something back to her. Now our aunt tried pulling the "your disrespecting me card," HAAH!!!!!! The BA rushed towards my sister, pushed sis's hand as she was cutting the onions. My sister ended up cutting herself enough on the topside of her wrist. It required about 7 stitches. Do you think that my parents ever reprimanded our aunt about that? Oh, and I'm sure that the BA painted the story to mother like my sister started the whole thing, or something of that sort. The BA, was never held accountable for any of this.

Later on, she started her sarcasm and aggression on me. The worst it got....w/respect to myself, was when the BA, was 82 yrs. old. She still had lot of juice in her believe it or not. I was living at mom's at the time, and dad was very ill w/cancer. On my way out to work in the a.m., I got my own shoes flung from the top of the stairs, one hitting my head. Again, no one (my parents), came to my defense. By now.....this was like an expected thing by this evil woman.
The worst instance of her bullying and aggression, was one time when I was trying to reprimand my sister's youngest daughter at the time about 8yrs. old.
She'd been left at grandma's house, and dad had just been released from the hospital for a surgery. My niece (also a PIA) already as a kid, was using the landline. She kept hanging up the phone, then a friend of hers kept calling, so it was non-stop ringing. This had to have happened about 7 x's in a row. Finally I came out of my bedroom to see what was going on. When I tried to tell this kid to stop, as it was disturbing dad, who was downstairs, the kid just went right back to the phone. So now I was mad....because she was just being defiant.
As I was attempting to tell her again, now my aunt came from her bedroom.....and tried stopping me from reprimanding my niece. Of course, I started to get into a verbal opposition w/the BA. Before I knew it, the BA had moved towards me. I had a purse in my hands and she caught the strap. She then had me in a head lock of sorts. I did push her, but it was basically trying to pry myself loose from her grip. When I came free, she had a handful of my hair in her hands. But it gets better. The BA, of course painted this story to mother as if I was the aggressor, and showed mom some bruises she now had on her stomach. Get this, mother took pictures of them. Later, mom approached me,
with the attitude, of "Why did you do this to your aunt?" She also informed me,
that my aunt was thinking of reporting me to the police. How wonderful, and all this being endorsed by my own mother!!!!! Lack of loyalty on mother's behalf has always loomed large when it comes to mother's brand of narcissism. This was by far the lowliest blow dealt out to me by my mother. Again, the BA, was always given the full benefit of the doubt, when there was so much evidence and other's stories that were less than ingratiating. Oh, but do you think my mom took any of that into consideration?

Well,when the BA, became older, sicker and needed the care. My sister is the one in the family who was elected, moved in to care for the BA, and mom w/ALZ.
But just about everything you have written about your mom, was our aunt, the BA. My sister really had some time, for about 4 yrs. w//her up to her death.
She was so bad, and always in the background she continued to threaten she was going to report my sister, the paid caregivers to the police.

Yes, because of what I experienced......I'm all on board that we must do self preservation, and sometimes this does mean we have to take very strong stances and action against this kind of abuse. I completely understand your position, on this.

I also highly esteem and commend you, given the fact that it is sad about the disease.....,but I'm so happy that your mom has mellowed out. She's is blessed to have a daughter like you!

I have both of you in my thoughts,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

That's cool, Sharyn. Sorry for any misunderstanding.

Standing~I am not talking about you, I am talking in generalities that I tried to explain earlier.

Standingalone - WOW! You so completely nailed it! Your mother sounds just like mine - and I was going to go back today to see how my mother was after the dental appointment - then I was thinking this morning that maybe I won't - why the hell should I - then I read your post! Oh hell no I am not going! Thank you for showing me that yes - I have been a doormat and a mouse to her vicious cat. I will call to make sure that she is fine - and then will spend today putzing in the garden (great therapy). Your strength reminds me of my daughters - even though I get frustrated with her - she doesn't take smack from anyone - and I wish I was the same. Something for me to clearly work on (geez at 57!). Having grown up with a narcissistic mother we were cheated out of the most important person in our lives and it messes us up. When I talked to the councilor and told her just a fraction of my experiences - she said I need to grieve the mother I should have had in order to move forward and I think she is right. I am actually looking forward to seeing her next week to tell her about yesterday.

You are also so right about they being able to turn it on and off - even with her stroke she is able to pull herself together. After she tried to hit me in front of the dentist office (pretty sure they saw it too) she was very pleasant to the assistant and acted all scared and timid. Wow - missed her calling as an actress (Joan Crawford LOL). She actually dealt pretty well with the extraction, the dentist was amazing. I didn't really talk to her all the way home as she tried to talk with a mouth full of cotton. Just told her to be quiet (never) and relax. I was decent but not sympathetic as I felt so abused and shell shocked.

Part of her control is that she constantly talks and if you try to say anything she attacks that I am interrupting her - however, she really never stops talking. Again - my dad was a saint! I don't know how he took it so long and that is one thing I did say to her yesterday that is when she said FU to me. That's what you want your mom to say!

Again - thank you for the support and for your postings - I find something funny, helpful, encouraging, and I am so grateful that I found this group!

I feel sorry for all having to deal with narcistic mothers-I think you have to fine your own way to deal with them-SA has her way-my way was not to respond to her taunts and then when I realized she could no longer hurt me-I felt better but even then I gave a nasty remark back to her when she pushed my last nerve after returning from a flight-those who heard it felt I was justified-so do what works for you to cope. A person who is unresponsive can hear-we had a pt. in a coma and when she recovered she told us what she had heard during that time. My husband was unresponsive and knew who was talking to him-my kids and granddaughter would talk to him and he would respond a little when I talked to him -no response-he probably thought he was punishing me-there was no apology for being an AH for decades but it is what it is-and now I have a wonderful man in my life who loves me and cares for me.

And Sharyn, let me ask you this. If you were with a man that felt perfectly justified in back handing you across the room whenever he happened to feel like it, would you feel all that 'reasonable' about it? Would your try political correctness, and polite conversation to make this guy understand the error of his ways? Yeah, good luck with that.

I don't see the world as my enemy. I fully understand that there are some great people in this world that I'd want to get to know and have in my world...like the majority of those on this site. But I also understand full well that the world is also filled with undesirables. Bad people. Predators. And they will hurt you. I'm never aggressive in this life. I've never been a bully. No, I'm the type that confronts the bully and asks him what the hell his problem is. If I have to get aggressive with anyone, it's towards those that fully deserve my aggression...like the types that prey on the weak. People that are verbal and physical abusers. People that prove themselves unworthy of respect or consideration. I will and am capable of extreme coldness and great aggression if I'm faced with these types. Nobody hit me. I don't accept disrespect like that. I don't want the scum that are capable of such bad behavior in my world, and that's anybody. I will get really hard core myself with types you just can't reason with. And they are lurking out there in the world. There is no polite conversation and 'reasoning' with them, or any kind of BALANCE. These types live to DOMINATE. The only 'balance' they want to hear or know about is one that favors them. There is no fairness or balance with some types. I'm not talking about everyone in the world, and I'm damn sure not walking around with a baseball bat, ready to kick people's asses just because it seems like an enjoyable thing to do that day, or because I'm just a pure asshole. If I show aggression, it's to people that only understand aggression, those that prove to me an intent to harm me. There is a difference. I'm one of the nicest people you'd ever want to know. But show yourself to be an abuser, and I'll turn into the devil. Big daddies in prison are abusers, too. I wonder how many girlfriends tried to reason with them about their abusive ways? It's clear to me, Sharyn, that you've never dealt with my mom's type of personality, ever.

She had rental properties, and she had a knack for renting to scum. People that I watched try to con her out of money...one even succeed to the tune of 5 digits. You can't even begin to imagine some of the predators I've had to deal with and confront because my mom allowed them into our lives. Tell my mom what she wanted to hear, play the role of the adoring, fawning 'friend' and my mom whipped her check book out. I had to watch this shit, watch these people play my mom like a fine tuned instrument. I had to confront these types, I had to make it very clear that I knew what the hell they were pulling, and they needed to get the hell out of our house, and get their shit and get out of our lives. I watched her get taken advantage of again and again and again by predators smarter than she was. Who else was going to stop these people? Was I supposed to reason with them, explain how trying to con my mom out of money really wasn't the right thing to do, and tell them that I understood why they hadn't paid rent for 5 months...because my mom is a sucker for every loser that showers her with compliments and sugary flattery? Yeah, ok. No, that isn't the way it works with some types, unfortunately. Be glad you've never had to deal with them, Sharyn. You really think these types are going to listen to or respect your reasoning ability and agree how in the wrong they are? lmao

I fit in here. Oldest of 6 siblings and I'm the one who moved cross country so Mom could move in with me. After living away from everyone for 30 years. Sister tried to have Mom live with her, but they have less money, two kids. I'm childless, for a reason, too. And yet, here I am. I keep telling my husband we should move his mother-in-law in (who boycotted our wedding) and really add to our stress.

Margeaux, yes, I'm glad you understand! People talk about narcissists here, and what they've done, the legacy they've left in people's minds, but most people don't talk about how to stand up to them. Everyone here knows how absolutely powerful a narcissist seems. Their power source is YOU. You feed them. You nourish them. They need to feel completely superior over you. They need you on your knees so that they can lord it over you. I don't freaking think so, thanks. I've spent my whole life denying my mother that power over me, that incessant need in her for control, domination, worship and admiration. She wanted me on my knees, kissing her feet, not to mention her ass, compliant on demand, no questions asked. And I wasn't having it. I never gave her an inch. Not one. The last thing my mom got from me all those endless years when she was younger was admiration or respect, and I made no bones about it to her face. I spent a life time disagreeing with every load of bullshit she came up with.

A narcissist was one hell of a twisted brain, and 'the ashtray story' is a prime example. About 7 years ago my mom was still getting around and lucid, the ashtray incident happened. She was in a rage(again)and threw a glass ashtray at my face. I jerked my head to the side and the corner of it caught me at the very edge of my left eye. Oh hell no. In one second flat I had snatched that ashtray off the floor, aimed at the cabinet right above her head and threw it with every bit of strength I had, and it shattered into a thousand pieces on impact. Damn, that was satisfying. My mom looked like a scared freaking rabbit. I was glad. She immediately started shrieking like a lunatic, calling me all kinds of 'crazy' and screaming about how I was 'abusing' her, and that she was going to call the cops and have me thrown in a psyche ward.... At that moment, I had this crazy urge to laugh my ass off... I told her to go ahead. I said you see this? And I pointed at my eye. I said, That's ASSAULT mom, get it? ASSAULT. I told her that if she ever pulled that shit again, I'd see her in prison. And I would have.

The DSS lady shows up a couple days later, asking questions. I told her exactly what went down. Then I pointed to my black eye. I explained that my mother assaulted me with an ashtray. I told her that I simply threw it back at her to scare the shit out of her. It worked. I said if I had wanted to hit my mother and hurt her, I wouldn't have missed, and that I don't accept physical abuse or assault from anybody, period, without doing something in my own defense, and if that meant scaring the living shit out of my mother and stopping that shit in it's tracks, so be it. She went away and that was that. She's called the cops on me before and it never worries me much. I mean, who assaults somebody outright,harms them bodily with a gash to their eye, and then gets outraged, pissed off and threatens to call the cops because they had the absolute audacity to retaliate and scare THEM...? What kind of mind?

It's almost laughable...but at the same time it's scary as hell, too. You live in a crazy house when you live with a narcissist. What's scary about my mom's mind is that she really believes her own bullshit. My mom honestly, to her core, believes that she has an absolute right to rule and control how I behave, how I think, how I dress, how I do things, how I live, you name it. She sees me as a thing, not a person. She honestly believes that yes, she does have an absolute right to harm me if it please her. I beg to differ.

My feelings, emotions...my mom is blind to them. To her, they simply don't exist to her on some level. All she is aware of in her mind are her own wants and needs. Those are the things that matter to my mom. My mom can see my anger, but she is absolutely clueless as to why we're always fighting, because to her it's easy...I won't bow to the rule she feels she rightly deserves over me, so standing up for my own right to have an opinion/thought makes every fight we had my fault, because the only opinion that matters, or has merit in HER mind, is her own. She honestly believes that when she makes derogatory, really hateful or nasty comments then laughs in my face, that it's funny. If she harms me bodily, in her mind she is absolutely, totally and completely justified, and that she has by no means done any wrong doing, because if I just went along, or whatever, it never would have happened. She'd laugh like a loon when she said something particularly nasty. My mom knew it was nasty. What's really scary about a narcissist is that on the one hand, they know the game they're playing, are fully aware, they know what they're doing, they know on some level that they're monsters, and they strive like hell to hide that part of them to the world, but on the other they're mentally whacked in their way of thinking. They always seem so 'nice', so 'sweet' to other people. You can't imagine how many times I've wanted to gag hearing that mess.

A narcissistic mind is a cold, calculating entity, sly as hell. These people aren't stupid. They don't show the ugly side to anyone but you, because they know very well how they'll be perceived by the masses. With strangers, a narcissist is always kind, generous and nice. They're where they want to be, on stage, with people all paying attention to them and all they have to say. Strangers compliment them. Say nice things. Admire them. Agree with them. I wasn't about to give her any of that.

If my mom respected me at all, she respected the fact that I wouldn't allow her to bully me into submission, no matter what kind of abuse she tried to dish out. She was faced with another predator, not prey, with me. And that's what narcissists look for. Prey.

You'd best be ready to fight for your life if you want free, best be prepared to demand the respect you deserve as a human being, best be ready to brawl like you've never brawled before to get these stops to just STOP. Best be prepared to cut them out of your life if necessary if they can't, or won't, stop the abuse.

To get over on these types you've got to learn to play them, and play hard ball, just like they do. If they try and assault you, make that word part of your vocabulary.

I'm not talking about elderly people that are in the stages of alz/dementia and have no idea what they're saying and doing. I'm talking about younger narcissists that do know what they're doing, and feel perfectly and completely justified in abusing you any way they like, when they like, and how you feel be damned. They get what you feel, but they don't have the capacity to CARE about how you feel, about anything, or about you too much, period. What's important, above all other considerations, is THEM. You're just another power source to get what they need, no more, no less. A narcissist knows exactly what they're doing, but at the same time they're really mentally ill in the feelings of justification for abuse that they have... In a narcissists world, everything HAS to be YOUR fault, because to admit otherwise is to admit that they're monsters. And they can't do that. And they won't, ever.

A narcissist will break out the big guns, verbal abuse, physical abuse, mental torture, any and all forms of psychological warfare at their disposal, including bodily harm if necessary, including threats, to keep you firmly in their clutches, nice and docile, they just don't want to abuse you, they fully expect you to take abuse with a big, fat smile on their face, laughing along with them when they call you names... I don't think so. If you want free of a narcissist, or at least to control how much bad behavior you're willing to deal with, you have to turn yourself into a fighter, simple as that. Fight or break. That's just how it is. Trying to reason with a narcissist is a lost cause, trying to get them to understand and acknowledge your feelings, futile. It won't happen, and imo a waste of time sticking around hoping for it.

I know on some level my mom loves me, or has a certain affection for me, just because she adopted me and I've been around awhile. Now, in the last stages of alz, where she has no idea who she used to be or what went down all these many years ago, she smiles when she sees me most of the time, I can make her laugh. When she cries now, I hold her and comfort her. She is no longer the beast she was. And I have enough goodness in me to want to comfort any dying person and to let them know they aren't alone at the end... When she was younger? No way. There was none of that warmth and compassion in me. Would you feel sorry for a rabid Pitt bull that was trying to tear your guts out?

Make it clear to these types that you will no longer be their whipping posts, that you will no longer accept bad behavior or disrespect, and if they choose to continue, there will be consequences. Tell them you'll walk the hell out and put them in a home and never look back. And mean it. Hard ball is the only thing that will work, sad to say. Expect war. But you can, by standing up to these types, and simply refusing to accept anymore of their bad behavior, turn the tables on them and suddenly make them more docile. A narcissist is simply a bully x 1000. A coward at heart. Make them understand that you're there if they need you, but you're never going to stand for abuse from them, not for any reason. Make that very clear, and stand by your conviction. Hardball is the only game play they understand.

Sharyn you did the right thing. When you get back to work I'm sure things will be back to normal in no time at all! Hi Ho Hi Ho It's back to work we go!!!

Book~Thank you!! Whether all these co-workers were sincere or not I don't know, but my husband I see that attitude as part of the problem not the solution. They all asked me if the store manager or the bakery/deli manger called me. Why would they call me, if I were the type to sue, them calling me would be like an admission of wrong doing on their part.

Hmmm, Sharyn, that is how today's society is like - quick to turn profit from anything...suing...I agree with you. You turned in your workman's comp - and that should be sufficient. Like you said, all those reasons are not valid reasons since it's not true. As for facing them tomorrow, just say that you already turned in workman's comp and that is all you need and nothing Extra from the company.

These people don't realize that by forcing the issue, it can mean your job. The company might find a way to "fire" you. Just go with your decision and not feel pressured to do anything you don't want to do.

I had a rather overwhelming experience today when I turned in my paperwork at work releasing me to go back to work tomorrow. Several co-workers told me that I should force our employer to compensate me in some way since my vacation plans were ruined and my eye glasses were bent from me falling. First let me say, I won't jump on the band wagon with a law suit. My eye glasses were straightened on last Monday by my Optometrist...no charge to me. My vacation plans were already rearranged before I fell so I can't blame my employer for that (if I need to blame someone, well I can blame Tiger....sometimes it is just life)...we don't always get to do what we want when we want. I finally had to tell a couple people, I am not looking for something from my employer. That stopped their chatter. I almost dread going to work tomorrow, I hope it is not more of the same.

Cmag~I am sorry for what you are going through now with your mother. It must be very hard for you to see her this way. Sending you hugs and prayers!!

Book~ Don't worry about it!! Sometimes my mind will go into overtime and I will read something that I think someone is indirectly throwing at me. After a couple days I will re-read it and see that I was being over sensitive.

Sad1daughter,

WOW! What a day you've had! So if your mom was so upset w/you,
I can't help being interested as to how she handled having 3 teeth pulled.
Yes, it is probably a good idea to have her meds upped.
Good you had your glass of wine, I would too.

O.K., well at least this dental visit is behind you.

Take care, and you're in my thoughts!
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Sad1~Let me reassure you, you did nothing to deserve this. Btw, I am glad to grabbed her arm to stop her from hitting you...that really makes a big statement to your mother and probably surprised her!! A personality disorder is hard to take and deal with, my mother has what I believe is a paranoid personality disorder. She thought her family #1 was out to screw her over, but she also believed that society was against her. Kudos to you today because you showed what I tried to explain in an earlier post that there is a balance to life!! You asserted yourself without becoming aggressive or abusive by standing up for yourself in a proactive manner!!! That is a great boundary you have just set. I would hate to live my life with an attitude that it is me against the world. I have seen too many people who came from abusive dysfunctional families that have completely turned the other way and have become the aggressor. That is why I stress balance, life has so many grey areas...it is not black and white. My sister and i go round and round about this but she is not ready to make changes to how she approaches situations. Some day I hope she can so she does not have to live her life feeling she is either a victim or the aggressor. There is a grey area between the two and you found it!!

Night Gladim! I, too read AC before going to sleep. Usually, I end up sleeping while reading it. A very good way to fall asleep! Night!

Iwentanon, now that is sad. All 16 kids got alzheimer. All. I've never read yet that they can last for months just in that sleep-like state. I know that with mom, she slept all day, but woke up at night. Towards the end, within a month of her death, she slept completely. I say slept but I think she just could no longer open her eyes. When I was arguing with father or bro was arguing with father, older sis said that mom had tears coming down her eyes. So, all this time, I thought she was sleeping. But for her to react when we were arguing shows that they may be in this sleep-like state but that they can HEAR what's happening outside. Thanks for sharing this.

Out of curiosity, did all of your grandmother's siblings children also have Alzheimer? It's so unusual that all 12 siblings get Alz.

With my family, my mom got it first in her early 50's. Then her mother got it next. So far, it's only those 2. Mom has 6 siblings and so far she's the only one who gots it.

Good night all and thank you! This is always the last thing I read before I sleep. It helps me get a much better nights sleep, knowing I am not alone with impossible family situations and sibs that think this is all about them. Believe me, I have heard it all which originally was quite disturbing. Now, I wait to hear what craziness they will come up with next.

ZZZZZZ

My grandmother's whole siblings 15 died with Alzheimer's.
They lived in this sleep-like state until the end and often for years.

All three that came to the US plus the other 12 including my grandmother who died in 1990, at age 83, went in this sleep-like thing, about three months into her three year stay in a nursing home.

I would still be able to wake her up by screaming granma where is _____, the name she called me as a child and she would say where is _____, I would say I am standing right here,and I love you, give me a big hug, it was sad, this disease is so sad.

Bookluvr,

When I was a kid, and I being the eldest it was difficult for me to be the in charge person, because this is just not a strong personality trait of mine. Layer over that fact that I'm the eldest, followed by my sister a year younger. Our first younger brother is one year younger than sister, then the youngest bro, a year and a half later. Because of this step ladder type of set up, I had really not too much power anyway, say compared to someone w/at least 5 yrs. older than a sibling.

My siblings to further dis-empower me, constantly made fun of my nose, and the fact that I've always been skinny. Yes, I used to take these comments very personally when I was younger, and who wouldn't! Even now, I've a neighbor, who I've posted about, and she's made snide remarks about my weight on occassion.
It doesn't bother me anymore though.....because really we all have flaws, no one is perfect, and I'd like to know what that is anyway. Nowadays, if someone makes some personal remark that isn't favorable, I look at them, and say, "Thank you."
This sends a message to the offender.

I couldn't agree more with StandingAlone's view about how we do have to learn to realize our own inner strength that we are not ruled/controlled by people's opinion's about ourselves either. Think about it, it does sound rather infantile for people, I don't care who they are to go there. There is something to the reprogramming as to how we think about this kind of abuse. It's been put in other ways, like you are the one that has to change your reaction to it.

I remember many years ago, this was when I was temporarily living at mother's,
quite a few years ago. Now most of you know she was a narcissist, especially abused my sister and me verbally, and w/inordinate chores, we were her Cinderella's for about all the time we lived w/in the family into our late teens.
Her narcissism did change over the years, especially the verbal sort, because thank goodness our dad put a stop to it. But the Cinderella expectations, no!

Anyway, many years later....this one time I was living there after I'd lived out of the country a few years, and was re-establishing myself, financially. I started to get these horrible spots on my face. I have a rather tan color skin, but these spots were dark, and appeared overnight, on my forehead, and on one of my cheeks.
Of course, I didn't like them. They're the kind women get many times when hormones get weird. Well, mother had these same spots appear, I remember on her face, when I was a kid. Of course, I tried finding out what I could do to get rid of them. I felt awful about them for sometime. But it was interesting, as time went on,
I kind of ignored them. Suddenly my mom started to make comments about them.
They weren't really mean comments, but reminding me how she'd had them.
But then the comments started to be repeated to me over and over again.
Finally one day I told her, "Gee, the spots on my face seem to bother YOU, more than they bother me." Don't ask me, what came over me to even think of this.
But I really feel there is something very big as to what StandingAlone is talking about here. For me in this moment, it manifested in the, "I'm not going to stand for this anymore, kind of thinking." It didn't matter that I was saying this to my mother either. Well, she never brought that subject up to me ever again.

That these are pressing issues in your mind as to you growth as a person is a good sign, that you are thinking of this. I think there's another aspect to some of this too, at least in my case there was. I really believe that because I never said anything at times to offenders they viewed me as a push over, which in some way I was, which I will admit. But no more!

O.K., I guess you must be in Hawaii, by now? How cool,
have a wonderful vacation there.

Aloha,
Much Love & Light!
Margeaux

Book - sorry to hear that your dad is similar. My dad was wonderful - gone now for 5 years - he is probably so happy now! My mom used to hit him - I didn't know that until my daughter told me - he had Parkinson's and she resented that he was "sicker" than she was. He had a fantastic attitude about it - he golfed 3 times a week - told me his T shots and drives were great - but his putting sucked! LOL! I really don't know how he did it for 55 years! Yes - she is small and frail now - and probably could pack a good punch - luckily I had 4 children that all had some kind of tantrum issues - so still have good reflexes. This is truly the craziest thing I have ever experienced! Still trying to figure out what I did in my former life to deserve such abuse! God help us all right?.

Sad, I read your words and I read with horror. All I keep thinking about is...when father reaches that stage too. I don't know if I could handle it. The abuses, again and again and again. I don't know if sis can handle it either. He treats her worse than me. But then, I have a temper and take no bs from him. I no longer have to put up with his physical abuse because I couldn't leave poor bedridden mom to his mercy. Mom is no longer here. I no longer need to stay and take it anymore.

So I read your words and ... you definitely are one very strong woman. She's getting worse, isn't she. She's beginning to want to hit out in anger. Keep an eye out. I've found with my mom, when she was angry to want to hurt us, she had super strength. Don't underestimate them just because they look small and/or frail. Father, too, is beginning to accuse me of keeping his money....

Oh - I forgot - she also accused me of spending all her money - keeping her car and house....nice!

Good grief - I just wrote a ton about my day today on my ipad and it all disappeared! Ok - try again. So - it is 4:00 and I am already having a glass of wine! Never do that! Finally got my mom to the dentist - and yesterday was a fiasco because the visiting nurse screwed up the INR - and didn't do it - of course it was my fault. Told her yesterday that I would be there today at 9:20 - I was actually early - and she was at the door waiting and on fire. She immediately started being abusive in her crazy way - saying she had to get up at 1:30 to get ready - and I still don't know what she wanted from me. I told her that she wasn't going to talk that way to me today - and THEN the floodgates opened up and she started spewing the most vial talk to me ever. In a nutshell - she called me stupid, said F-you, I'm an asshole, a bitch, a stupid bitch - etc. You get the drift. Of course it was also a 20 minute drive - the first 5 minutes was her being as abusive as possible - I don't listen, I don't do this, that - whatever...I finally said yes - I am a bitch - learned from the best - and that I was not going to take it anymore (stroke or not) and proceeded to turn up the radio and stopped engaging. She talked the entire time - name calling, then throwing her head in her hands and fake cried, back to swearing....it was quite the show. Got to the dentist - and parking there of course is horrible - I again was stupid as I didn't know where I was going - so I parked far away and made her walk. As we got in front of the office - of course she was spewing insults and swearing in front of everyone in the area (got lots of looks) I just kept walking - went at first to the wrong place as I have only been there once - again - I am so stupid - then she went to hit me - I grabbed her arm and she glared at me - hit me stupid. Wow. She hasn't ever been that out of control. then she dared me to hit her. I told her she needed to get a hold of herself and behave in the office or I was going to take her home. We actually got through the office visit fairly well. On the way home it was the fake crying etc. I just ignored it. Went back to the home - got her settled in and left. Oh - and yes - started counseling last week! Yay! I did ask for the doctor to increase her Seroquel as she refuses the afternoon dosage - crushing it isn't working as she doesn't always eat. And that my friends of dysfunctional families was my day - thus the wine! Sorry - no energy to read and respond - feeling selfish - but had to vent with those who understand. Thanks for listening!

Thanks book, I could tell that it was taking all of her energy just to eat. It was difficult to open her eyes but she never opened them wide enough to be able to see. I want give up and her and not visit. I can only imagine how hard all of this is on my step-dad who goes everyday for about 3 hours. Plus, he falls asleep in his wheel chair.

Sharyn, got it. Must be my guilt working overtime to think you were indirectly aiming your comment to me. I am so sorry for mistakenly thinking of it. {{HUGS}}

Cmag - I'm sorry. I hope you will still visit your mom even if she's sleeping all the time. I have read over and over on this site, that when a person is sleeping all the time, it's like they're slowing shutting down. Even eating will lessen. I've also read that sometimes, they just don't have the energy to do anything, and that my include opening their eyes. I've read that their Hearing is the Last to Go. I've read how some nurses were so angry when the family of the loved one is dying, that the family is already arguing about who gets what when that person dies - in the same room as that patient!!! And the nurse was upset because the Patient's HEARING is the Last to Go. So, you may think you're mom is sleeping but maybe she is just tooooo tired to open her eyes. Just continue to visit and talk to her as if she's awake. Please don't give up on her and not visit. You never know how much it will mean to her if you continue to visit her. {{{HUGS}}}

Very sad day today. I met with the care planning committee which meets quarterly. They have no idea why my mother is basically sleeping all of the time, but will wake up just enough to be fed for meals which she is not doing all that great a job of eating. Today was the first time that I have visited her when she did not even know that I was in the room and could not be awakened. I came back around lunch time thinking she would be awake then. She was awake enough to eat, but not to recognize my voice or my being there. It hardly makes any sense to visit if all she is going to do is sleep.

I'm not sure if resilience is ever achieved alone. Experience allows us to learn from example. But if we have someone who loves us—I don't mean who indulges us, but who loves us enough to be on our side—then it's easier to grow resilience, to grow belief in self, to grow self-esteem. And it's self-esteem that allows a person to stand up. By Maya Angelou