The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Imo, Sharyn, it is that cut and dried. For me, anyway. Everything I mention is what worked for me, the way I broke these chains, long ago as a kid. Once you know what to look out for in people, you can avoid it. People have choices. Always. In every single area of their lives. They choose, for good or ill, all the time, every single day. Even as a kid I simply chose to rebel, to fight, not to break under the weight of what my mother was dishing. I always knew she was the one with a major problem, not me. A person doesn't beat another, especially a kid, bloody and call themselves anything good in my book. My mom has always been the enemy. I never saw her as anything but. It doesn't take an adult mind to see reality, I saw my reality long ago. Sure, I wished for a warm, loving mom...I also knew I didn't have one and damn sure wasn't getting one. If my mom was 'nice' to me, I immediately became suspicious. I'm not suspicious of people in general. I don't feel others are out to get me. I give everyone the benefit of the doubt and treat them with kindness...until the day they show me they aren't worthy of respect or consideration. To me, it's very simple. I like my life simple.

No, people may not be able to program their minds overnight if they've owned and accepted the fact that they deserve the blame for another's actions or verbal abuse. I never accepted that blame, even as a kid, even as my mom screamed after a beating that I deserved it, and if I hadn't been/done/said whatever it never would have happened... My reaction to that was contempt and disdain and anger, not depression and sorrow... That was the One in me and with me all the way. Something was telling me that what she was saying and doing wasn't right, and it wasn't me, and that's what I believed. You break, or you fight back. Those are the two choices that I see people having with abusers. You own it, or you don't. People that are still weighed down with this mess certainly can, starting today, decide to think differently, decide to ask themselves hard questions, decide that they aren't going to TAKE that shit anymore, decide that NO, they damn sure don't deserve it. People can make that decision right this minute. Or, they can simply wallow in negativity, believe the lie that maybe if they were just...better, smarter, prettier, nicer, more giving, more loving, more...whatever...and everything would be alright and their parent wouldn't hate them.... Lies, all lies. People can stop believing lies if they simply choose to see the writing on the wall.

I've never had, with the exception of mother, any abusive relationships. I can see a predator coming a 1000 miles away. I lived with one. They're pretty easy to spot once you start looking for the signs, and I don't allow them near me. I don't accept that I ever deserve anyone's lousy treatment of me and mine. There's nothing mystical about it. If I met someone and thought they were nice, spent some time getting to know them and they began to act in such a way that made me constantly feel bad or uncomfortable, I'd disappear out of their world like I never even existed. I'd block them out of my life with no explanation whatsoever. I'd just be gone. Poof. Why? Because I don't choose to allow people to stay in my world that do nothing but bring me down. That's a choice. It doesn't take a life time to get it. Or at least, it shouldn't. Life's too damn short. And at the end of 25 years of therapy, guess what it boils down to? Choices. And people can make those right now.

That's just me. That's just how I operate. I've never been to therapy. I don't need to spend money on a shrink to get that there are shitty people in this world that like to bring you down. Relationships are give and take, mutually respectful. I believe in compromise and negotiation to solve issues. People that do things another way, by name calling, screaming, or manipulation? I don't have time for it or them. To me, and for me, it's really that easy. I'm sorry as hell that it can't be that way for others. For me, I figured as a kid, that whatever my mom did, the opposite had to be the better road. I hope that people will simply wake up to the truth about abusers sooner rather than later. Again, life is too damn short. If you knew you only had a month to live would you live it sweating the negative opinions of others? I would hope not. Live like you've only got that month. *shrug* I'm not in mental chains. And however that happened, I'm glad I think like I do. I'd be broken if I didn't.

All I'm doing is offering a suggestion for changing your(general 'your')mind. People will do, and act, and make choices as they please. I'm never saying that my way of thinking is the right way...I'm just saying that to me, it's plain common sense, and I hope that somebody else can benefit from it. I don't blame the world for what happened to me with my mother, I don't go around treating people like crap, I don't go around disrespecting people and trying to kick them around, repeating the cycle. I put the blame on my mother. Who else? At the same time, I don't accept disrespect from people, either. Again, for ME, in my own mind, it's simplicity itself, so that's how I see it and write it.

Standing~The journey of coming out of a dysfunctional lifestyle is not cut and dried. It is a life time of learning how to communicate effectively, changing our approaches to situations and people, learning about who we are as a person, loving ourselves and loving others. You cannot reprogram your mind overnight. Just like my sister, she is not at a place where she wants to she what her role is in these relationships that leads to negative experiences. Instead of seeing what she does, she has chosen to blame all men. There is a balance in there. We support each other, offer suggestions, but we have no cut and dried answers because what works for me, isn't necessarily going to work for someone else. It is a journey of finding balance, finding peace within ourselves and with the world we live in.

Book~It is not aimed at you! I am not talking about our childhood regarding my sister. I am referring to our adult lives. My sister pushes negative experiences out of her mind and when a similar situation arises again, she is ready to jump right in full force ahead without making any connections to the past experience that was similar. She only does this with our mother and with men...the two areas of her life she has not been able to have the kind of relationship that she wants. A part of the reason she has not been able to get what she wants is because she needs to change her approach to these 2 types of relationships. Book, I realize that this is easier said than done. I have not seen in anything you have ever posted about having the same experiences over and over again with certain areas of your adult life. The problem with my sister is with mom...she wants to be a hero, solve mom's issue and have mom thank her for it, have mom be grateful to her it. and be revered. Book, I would never aim something at you without addressing it to you personally by using your name. I am sorry if you felt that I did.

The 'beanpole' name reminds me of a story I heard awhile back...

Two little boys in elementary school were passing notes. The teacher caught them and took the note away. The note said, 'Miss X is a skinny meanie'. The teacher, who had been working hard for awhile to lose weight, hugged the little boy, to his confusion. Some people would love to be called a 'beanpole', Book. lol And when/if someone makes fun of you for something, anything....just stare at them a few minutes and try to find one, just one, single thing about them that's absolutely perfect. Nothing, right? Then by what right do they have to call out any imperfection on you? Blow it off, don't own it. Listen to the good guys, the kind ones, the people that love you for you. Nobody else really matters, do they?

My mom was a narcissist till Alz tamed that beast. When my mom was still mentally sound, I heard all the names, all the negativity...I just looked at her and thought, 'You poor, miserable sap...' Her words stayed right with HER. They didn't touch me. I didn't allow them to. I made HER own it. I damn sure wasn't going to. What, and let her win? Pffft. That'll be the day... And that goes for anyone like her, forever, until the day I die. Don't let these types win, because that's exactly what you're doing. YOU need to win, and you win by realizing that hurtful words are the property of those spewing them and puking them...step away from the mess....EWWW... would you stand there and allow someone to puke on you for real? lol No? Same concept.

Gah, when I talk about these things I sound like some kind of hard ass.... and that's because this is one of the few things that bring out the hard ass in me...

Book, it's never enough to 'tell yourself' that siblings...or whoever's...words hurt us. The secret to avoiding hurt is to not own the bullshit. I envision in my mind someone's derogatory words as a soap bubble coming at me, with the negative names inside it. At that point, I either allow that 'soap bubble' to be absorbed and sucked into my soul and settle IN me and on me and all around me...or I flick up my hand and pop that bitch before it ever reaches me and destroy it and the ugly name right along with it. When I imagine allowing those 'soap bubbles'(other people's negativity and ugliness)to settle on me, weighing me down...no, it's unthinkable. I will not own other people's bullshit.

People, you need to reprogram your minds. If someone is nasty, ugly, says mean and hurtful things....stare at them for a few minutes after they spew that filth. What do you see? I see a poor, pathetic, sorry, lame, broken down, miserable muthah that isn't worthy of my consideration, and I'm damn sure not going to believe a word they say.

If you saw your situation on the streets, or in a store, or on TV, saw someone spewing vileness, ugly hateful words and verbal abuse at someone else, or at a child, ...what in the world would you think of that person? Would you respect them, would you respect their actions? No? Then why are some of you allowing someone like that person in the streets or store to own you, rule you, control you? As long as you guys allow, yeah, allow, people to hurt you, allow a loser's opinion to MATTER, when it really shouldn't, they WIN. THEY get what they want. They own you. They rule you. They control you. They enslave you. The day you look at these people and see them for what they really are, not as what you WANT them to be, then, and only then, will you be free of mental chains. Only then will you realize that their words just don't freaking matter. In fact, nothing they say is worth a shit. Realize that and you've stepped on the road to freedom.

If you had a friend whose husband beat the shit out of her on a regular basis, and told her daily what a lousy, ugly, fat, dumpy peice of shit she was, what would your advice be? Would you tell her that he was a great guy, that what he was doing was justified and to stand by her man, because of course, somehow, it was HER fault? If so, you're no 'friend' I'd want. Or would you tell her to run for the hills and lose the asshole, that she deserved much better? Yes, indeed...

Why in the world are you guys still allowing losers and their ugly souls to matter? They shouldn't. That's how I see it. You can still be around these types...but you just know in your heart that they're just pathetic with their lame crap, and you thank the One that YOU aren't THEM, and don't ALLOW their bullshit touch you....YOU didn't do anything to make these people the poor, sorry souls that they are...they were born that way and you damn sure didn't have anything to do with it... so why own the shit, why allow it to be absorbed inside you? Don't. Simple as that. Just...refuse. It really is that simple...at least, it is for me. And thank God for it.

It's difficult to tell ourselves that our siblings words cannot hurt us - when it does. I always hated it when growing up that our parents said, "Stick and stones can break my bone but names will never hurt me." I knew that was so untrue. Every time they called my rabbit teeth, or railroad track or beanpole, etc...it hurt. I cried a lot.

Older (but not wiser) now, I can see that if you don't have self esteem, if you don't value yourself or have affection for yourself, Words Will Hurt You. Therefore, the solution is to work on you loving yourself. And that, Brandy, is what I'm trying to work on. I understand that if we love ourselves, then what people say about us wouldn't hurt us because we know who we are.

Thanks, Sharyn. I'm not sure if your comment about sis was indirectly aimed to me also. =) But I thought about it. Yes, I want to ignore the past but the other part of me wants it over with. Therefore, I'm going to continue to do therapy but not sure how long since I'm not making much progress with my homework assignments. I've thought about it. I Think I can handle my anger if I do remember the past. I think. I was reading a book about the child within. It mentions that if the memories get bad, then seek professional help immediately. I guess that would be my therapist.

Hi Austin, I wasn't really shooting down your comment. It's just that I've been bullied most of my life. And I still remember the Pain of when the kids called me names in elementary and middle school. And even today, when my family says something about my body, I get hurt. I think your comment is true if one has a very good sense of who they are, what they're worth inside.

Brandy-don't let your sister get you down-she is not the boss of you-try detaching from her-tell yourself she can not hurt you with her words -that is what I did with my Mom when staying with her on vacation-it helped me a lot.

2cents-
I know about parents with cavalier attitudes, my mom displayed it plenty when I was a kid. And, bless her, she passed it on to my siblings which is where I see it nearly constantly now. However, mom, maybe partially due to AD, doesn't act that way any more. She does get into a feel sorry for her quite often.

Such a good site. I am so sorry that all of you are going through such horrific times. In my life, Mom has dementia and husband has something like dementia. Sister is a problem. I haven't been to the town where mom is for quite some time, so I guess I will go see her. When I call her, all I get is monotone. I say how are you, she says fine, how is the food, fine, how is the weather, fine. Sister told me not to say anything that might upset mom. She is good at telling me what to do. Sister has POA and so I never know what is going on. I ask the nurses and they won't tell me. I have asked sister to let me be co-POA and she won't. Meanwhile, husband displays his own brand of dementia. Are we having fun yet? Fortunately I had really good parents. They were really good to me. School was a different matter, was bullied. Years and years of counseling to get over it.

Book- I talked with sis a bit ago. The funny thing is sis choses not to remember things. My personal thoughts are is that it is easier for sis block out a negative experience than to learn from it and change. Shegoes through life just like mom has doing the same things over and over. I even asked her how can you not remember a bad experience,refuse to learn from it? Anyway, we agreed not to do the procedure. Time to detach from sis tonight I cant afford to bang my head on the wall,Lol!

Sharyn, that would be a tough one. I don't think your mom would Not touch it. If your mom doesn't want it done, then you need to accept her wishes. Having POA does not override her decisions. And you add on top of that - that she will touch it or rub it.

Raeray~I am sorry for the loss of your mother. We hope to hear more from you on the thread, take care!!
Shadowchild~ It must be difficult when your family may id you on this site. You can make your wall private so your activity and the messages left for you are not visible to others. Come back and share some more when you are ready.
Book~I hope you are enjoying your time away from caregiving. Having some Hawaiian rest, a quiet walk!! I am glad to hear that you are learning a lot in therapy.
Sad1~ October can be iffy when it comes to rain, checking out tents is a good idea and smart!! Some years ago I talked my sister into going camping at Big Trees in October. Sis was hesitant, but she agreed. Yes, it ended up raining...pouring rain the whole weekend. She was so freaked out I finally had to grabbed hold of her and shake her to get her to calm down and get a grip. Sis over reacts sometimes. We got through it with hanging tarps over the table, digging a trench around the tent to drain the water away. Sis isn't much for roughing it, LOL!!

I went back to see mom again today, brought Midget with me for a visit. We walked around the park across the street, visited with everyone Midget saw. For some reason, my sis bought mom maxi pads instead of poise pads, LOL!! The maxi's just don't work in the same way as poise. I picked up some poise and took the maxi's home. I guess my daughter or dil can use them in an emergency when they visit. She asked about going home, gave her my standard response, she asked about her wedding ring set, told her it was getting cleaned at the jewelers (I won't return the set to her, I have it at my house. It is too big on her and I don't want it lost).

Mom is having a vision issue, blurred even with her glasses. The eye dr. said she has some bumps on her eye from irritation, allergies or crying too much.The only way to correct it is to use a local anesthesia and scrape them off. Mom says absolutely no!! Sis wants to do it. I am undecided because mom will have to wear an eye patch, have drops put in(the drops can be done by the med tech). My concern is mom will some discomfort and will she keep the eye patch on? After what we went through when mom had the balloon procedure done on her sinuses 1.5 years ago, she pulled all packing out of her nose causing it to hemorrhage, then spend the night in the hospital...I see mom refusing to leave the eye patch on, rubbing her eye possibly irritating it more and causing an infection. I want mom to be able to see better, but is it worth putting her through this when she is so difficult, doesn't understand what is best for herself?
Good day to everyone, enjoy the autumn season!!

Twocents, it also depends on your culture. In our culture, it was ingrained in us to respect our elders - no matter what. We have also been told while growing up that we will take care of our parents when old. Still, it's a rude awakening when your parent tells you straight out that that's why they have children - to take care of them when they get old. Just a thought to your thougt....

I never continue to be amazed in the cavalier attitude of 'it's for the children...'.. This phrase seems to be trotted out as an answer to selfish parental whims, desires, and whatnot.
I see it frequently, very frequently with parents of young children. Why should this not be regarded as the farce it is when parents become elderly and think they can totally destroy their childrens' lives in order for them to live life as they have always wanted. I see this hypocritical phrase as a horror that will encompass a childs life from infancy to the end when the parents finally are gone. I know this is a topic that can digress a bit: however, I think a child with narcissistic parents, even if they can make a good and clean break, will have problems when these parents turn elderly: so, perhaps, 'it's for the children' should be scrutinized a lot more intensely than it is ...

I was going to sleep but decided to check here before doing so. Sharyn, I'm really glad that you are still able to take your mom out and enjoy it. I like your idea about doing the actual shopping and not online.

Raeray, my condolence on your mom. We will look forward to any future posts when you feel the need.

Hi Shadowchild.
Sad1 - my therapist didn't mention to me anything about mourning our lost
childhood. I'm learning a lot from therapy, too. It sounds like yours is a good one, too. I hope all goes well with you.

Sis and I were talking. I told her about my therapy and what led up to it. She also have no memories of childhood. She told me that for all of us 4 girls to have no memories is BAD. Sigh.... She looked in me in the eye and asked me if it's wise to seek counseling while I'm caregiving father. She said that if I start to remember, I may end up stabbing him multiple times in my remembered anger. I have thought of this often. Months ago, last year. I think she's right. But sis also said that the therapist is right - that I need therapy in order to be free and move on in my life. But at what expense if my memories come back. I have worried about this. Even the therapist got me to promise not to hurt anyone or myself. Sis said when the memories come back - I may react in violent anger. She is right, I was right. I think I will need to stop therapy for now. I knew this could happened and thought maybe I can handle it. But sis says for all of us girls to NOT remember our childhood is BAD. Sigh... I have to heed her warning. Because that's what my guts have been telling me and I've been ignoring it because I want to get out of this rut I find myself in.

I hope you all have a better weekend than you did last week. Take care.

Raeray so sorry you lost your Mom...

i lost my mom on aug 8th . and in all the time i took care of her ( 7 years ) the time i discovered this site was the best . thank you . and yes, im taking care of dad now but right now hes a lot easier . i enjoyed your support and will continue to do so as i feel the need . affly, rae .

Thank you for starting this thread. I was away from the site for a while due to illness and used to post under RLP. I was afraid my very dysfunctional family would figure out who I was from the initials if they looked at this site. I have missed your answers and encouragement. My family is more dysfunctional than ever, but I am learning to differentiate between what is a crisis and what I need to just sit back and watch. Hugs and blessings to all of you in the same situation.

Sharynmarie - raining here too like crazy -(Sacramento area) my new DIL text me freaked out as we are having the reception here next month - she is afraid it will rain. Told her to check out tents - just in case! sounds like you had a good day with your mother and sister! Retail therapy - always good!

My mom does the drawer thing too - doesn't rearrange anything - but every time we go she has to open and go through all three drawers in the table next to her bed then goes to the closet to show us something - and then over to the other dresser and back again. I guess it is "normal" or just plain boredom. As for the asking if she can go home or change places - I am guessing that just changing the subject is the way around that?

Walking, talking and chewing gum is definitely challenging sometimes! I can relate - really well! Knock on wood - no concussion for me yet - I just break things!

I am happy I started the counseling too. I guess I am just tired of asking my friends/family the same tired old questions and not getting any answers. No Karen, your life was not normal. No, my mother never did THAT - etc. Good grief - lucky I have any friends at all! LOL!

Sad1~As far as concussions go, I can only speak for me...sometimes walking, talking and chewing gum at the same time is too much,LOL!! Glad the brain fog is gone!!

Sad1~Glad you have therapist helping you with the boundary issues. I had a giggle with the "special" mother comment! I hope the dentist goes well for you and walk the dog, it is relaxing.

Today we took mom shopping at JCP for some warmer PJ's, a few new shirts, and a couple new bras. BTW girls, the sales were great!!! I wish I had some money to spend I would have got a few things for myself. We decided to take to out to the store instead of online ordering, this way mom could make some choices for herself, allow her feel independent and to have respect for her decisions. Afterwards we had lunch at IHOP. Sis and I cleared out mom dresser of unless things that were originally brought over there simply because they were already in her dresser...things like power strips, jars of rubber bands,etc. I am debating about investing in a label maker to label all her drawers because she reorganizes daily. I don't know if it will help her or not. Mom started to get agitated with us packing up her stuff, saying she needed all of it, what are going to do with it, where are we taking it, she doesn't want to lose this stuff. I told sis, LOL!! hurry up we need to leave (mom was getting weepy, wanting to go home). I told mom I will come back tomorrow with Midget and if she needs anything out of these boxes she is to tell me and I will bring it back tomorrow. As we left, we told the caregiver mom was getting a little agitated about us taking stuff so she redirected mom's attention and we were able to leave. It was a good day and I think mom enjoyed getting out, going shopping, having lunch. We had some rain here in the valley today, heavy at times, hope it is helping with the wild fires. Have a good weekend everyone!!

Hi All - again - been gone for a week - always so much to catch up on. sharynmarie - so glad you got diagnosed correctly - you guys all seem to be having concussions lately - whats that about?? Hope everyone is feeling better! I am leaving tomorrow to take my mom to the dentist - again - she is going to get the 3 teeth pulled. Takes 2 weeks to set this up with her Coumadin and such - she better not back out again...and I have to go alone - my husband has to stay home. Ugh - so will be my mom to deal with and my daughter - who still hasn't contacted me since I sent her the check. I think I will take one of our dogs and walk - a lot!

I went to my first counseling appointment in over 30 years. Recommended by a friend who also has a "special" mother. It was more of me telling her my experiences and her asking question to start to help me set my boundaries better with narcissism and stokes...I couldn't believe how it all sounded outloud! OMG! she said I had really good coping skills and my sense of humor, my husband and when my dad was alive - him as my way of not being totally bonkers. She said I was lucky that I wasn't into alcohol or pills etc also with the family history of that. So - in a way it made me feel better - and then it made me sad as so many things are rushing into my head. She said I needed to grieve first - the mother I should have had, and all the experiences I missed out on - then will be better suited to set boundaries. we will see - have an appointment when I get back from the dentist saga - the sequel.

Sharyn - so sorry to hear of your friends mother...always sad to loose one of the good ones.

Karen

Thanks Joan! It kind of threw me since her parents were about 8 years younger than mine.

sharyn, I am sorry ((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))

Recently I connected with a dear friend from my jr. high and sr. high schools years. We spent so much time together...best friends...there were 4 of us. We went through so much together as teens...great memories. I received a private message from her today on facebook. She lost her mother on Monday. Her mom was the "hip mom", she understood us as teenagers and didn't judge us but was truthful and logical, she never over reacted to the situations we got into that were wrong, but she was strong in how she reacted. I am so sad for my friend.

Pinklady,

Welcome, you've come to the right place.

It's horrible when one has a relative like your niece, taking advantage of an elder.
We had exactly the same thing going on in our family w/also a thief, drug seller in her grandparent's home.. One day the s**t hit the fan, while she unfortunately wormed her way back into mom and dad's home for a stay.
She'd basically burnt bridges with everyone in the family including my brother, her dad. So there she was at mom's, who'd incidentally, spoiled her rotten.
She got into my sister's purse and stoled 1,000.00, cash.
After this, my sister and I searched the bedroom she was staying in at the family home. We discovered she'd been shoplifting everything from clothes, shoes to very expensive make-up. But we also discovered she was dealing drugs; found several small bags of white powder under the bed.

We told my dad, and he completely agreed that we had to take a firm stance about this on a lot of levels, and she was still underage, when this happened.
Telling mother....that was another melodramatic story. My sister did call and talk to the police, told them about her age, so they told sis, she'd have to file a charge against the girl.

I'll never forget dad driving w/my mother very upset by the whole thing, then being followed by two cops showing up, handcuffing this niece and taking her to the station. My sister's nerves and mine were so rattled for several weeks.
I was living there at that time also, so I was very worried about anybody showing up at mother's as a result of this girl's dealings, like gang bangers.
My parents/my dad especially was very traditional from the old country, so isn't at all into any of this. Plus, for whatever say my dad was all about....as an enabler to my mother narcissism, he was a disciplinarian with us when we were kids. I guess, though in our brother's case (thief's parent), he being the youngest was spoiled by mom. Anytime dad would attempt to discipline him if he was doing something incorrect, mother would always intercept this. So you see the pattern of dysfunction?

She's been nothing but trouble ever since, and continued even when dad was at the end of his life to worm her way back into mother's home, this time accompanied by her then boyfriend. She did do some jail time for who knows what as an adult. Honestly, I can say that I do not like this girl at all,
So now, she's almost hitting 40, and she finally is trying to put out the vibe she's turning her life around, she got married. Well, fine and dandy.....but IMO, there's too much bad water under the bridge. Besides....she never, ever has apologized to my sister, nor me for anything. I'm just waiting for the day to hear that she's gone kind of religious, because this is usually what these types do when they get older!

I totally understand the struggle you must feel because since you've said that your family doesn't get involved, and leaving you to handle it sounds like all of the care of both your parents. If I may ask, is this niece one of your brother's daughters?

I will write later, more ...just waking up.

Much Love & Light!

Margeaux

Brandywine, I was thinking the same thing.

I didn't mean to suggest I have PTSD from falling...dr. just was saying how seeing it over in your mind is similiar,LOL!!

I don't post here about Mother b/c I am afraid sis will see the post and further yell at me.