notrydoyoda Posted January 2012
The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?
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I went to the dr. a little while ago. He said that it is a concussion but he feels very sure that I am through the worst of it but wants me to continue to rest and not push myself. It will take a few more days before I feel back to myself. No long distance driving and no to going in high elevations just because it can cause me to become more fatigued due to the elevation. He also said something I never would have considered...when a person falls onto their face like I did, he said knowing you are going to hit something blunt force seeing it happen can actually cause some PTSD!! He asked if I was seeing the fall over and over again, I said yes, especially Sat-Mon...it has not been so much yesterday and today. W/C claim is filed but dr. wants to see back on Tuesday.
My employer has never given me a bad time about a w/c claim...but the people at w/c have...not because I file them regularly but because they do not want a people off work. When I sliced my thumb last year they called me wanting to know why I did not go into work since my employer could accommodate me working without using my right hand. I just said because the dr. at ER said not to work for 2 days.
Anyway my store manager said that he is sure the claim will be accepted. After all, I was not at fault, they were for not repairing this metal strip and others have gotten caught on it too. I most likely will return to work on Wednesday.
I slept good last night...first time since falling and I think I may actually make it thru the day without needing to nap.
Tiger gets his bandage off tomorrow...poor guy, he walks around like a bulldog, you know how they waddle from their chest,LOL!!
Thank you everyone, I tend to push back and deny how something may be affecting me but I knew I was just not feeling right. Hugs to everyone!!
On a worker's comp claim, you have a certain number of days to file it from when you notice symptoms. You need to see a doc, on the form indicate it is work related and symptoms getting to the point that you just realized there is a problem.
I read your post about going up to Yosemite.
I remember when my neighbor took that fall, she hit the back of her head on some stone stairs, definitely had a concussion. She had a cut, but the ER, doctor decided not to put stitches only a tape. She was out of town when it happened, so when she returned, was told to go to her doctor. I saw her about 3 days after it had happened, on her way out to her doctor's appointment. To be honest, she looked unsteady, and I offered to take her, of which she declined, saying she was o.k.
She had similar symptoms as Emjo. But do you think it is wise to be driving, and no less going into elevation so high, after something like this. Remember, that even when some of us are o.k., we can get dizzy in these elevations.
About you filing a claim. Please don't go down guilty row, on this one.
It is your right to do so, and never trade off your right, because a work place has the duty to maintain the premises, so workers do not get injured. You are not doing anything wrong.....I've heard of too many people who don't feel it is necessary, or don't want to go through the hassle, only to find out later they should have done so.
O.K., I became a bit concerned, when I read this.
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
I've been struggling with therapy. The exercises aren't even difficult now ...after I told the therapist I was quitting, will download self-help ebooks and wing it on my own..by doing baby steps. Therapist asked me to come back one last time, and somehow persuaded me to continue...all because she is sooo happy and excited that I was mad at the world from the time I got up to the time I went to bed. Anyway, I'm a visual person - can't use my imagination. Have problems with math word problems or even logic problems. I would waste a lot of paper trying to draw charts or pictures to figure out these word problems. So, meditation and babying the child within has been very very difficult. I've had some excellent advice from posters to my Wall.
Anyway, yesterday morning, I actually saw something while meditating! It was soooo clear. I saw these bright lights in the darkness. And a voice said over and over, "Stars" "beautiful stars." I didn't move or Think Hard because it might make it disappear. While the voice kept calling it stars, I kept staring at it. I Guess you could call it stars. I mean, it's lights in the dark - plenty of lights.
I finally felt bad that here I was diagnosing and rejecting or accepting if it's stars, and that voice has such awe about seeing the stars. I remembered that I was suppose to "baby" the child within. Felt weird that I was talking to "my other half." I've always been aware of my other half. It always stops me from killing myself - several times, since I was in Middle school. It is the one that has all the bad memories that I don't remember. In our last therapy, therapist said something and I said, "Oh! Is that who my Other Half is?!" I reminded the therapist that I've mentioned my Other Half before. So, now that I know who my Other Half is, I was able to respond to it about the stars. I wonder if that is also one reason it is coming out? For all I know, it was a fluke. But am sooo glad I had this fluke. This is the 3rd time I've seen "clear visions" with my eyes closed.
Catsx10 - My siblings are just like yours. By the way, we are caregivers because we can handle the messy stuff. We're strong. We have no life - therefore we're the caregivers. Etc.....I totally agree with you. They don't see that they were able to marry, have kids, travel, and now have grands. I'm not married, nor with kids but....they assumed this is what I wanted in life - to care for our parents. Sigh....
Baby brother is sooooo sneaky. He told me that his roommate needs a place to stay. When I was talking to her, she said that she's here while I'm away on my trip. Seems baby bro told her that our oldest sister who is living with me/dad -is a deadweight. She doesn't do anything. So, roommate's been here today....and the dishes are washed, the sink is clean!!! And she wanted to learn how to change father's pampers. So, I showed her tonight. Bro must have asked to help. Now I won't have to worry when I'm gone. Later!!
I know I don't post very often but I do read the different posts. Well last night I spent it typing an email to my siblings. Again. Don't know why, never makes a difference. Cause they don't care that I am exhausted mentally and physically taking care of our mother for the past 18 years. Mom has so many conditions but at times the one that hurts me most is her not wanting to bother my
siblings. Much less to get them mad. But its okay for me to waste away with her? I can just hear the reaction this email is gonna have!! They wiil be self righteous and try to make me feel like I should be grateful that I was "chosen " to be mom's caregiver. Ugh!! Will try and keep posting.
sharyn -I really do suspect you have a concussion and probably you should see a doctor, get advice and report it to work as it was a work related accident. You may need more time off and workman’s comp could kick in. They are responsible if you need any treatment or if there are any lasting effects. I noticed that you said you were awake more. Please do take it easy. A concussion means that your brain has been bounced around, and it need time to heal. In was surprised that it has taken all of a month and more for me to recover. I went the other way and was exhausted and slept, The depression and anger certainly fit. How is Tiger doing? Toonie goes for his annual shots tomorrow. Getting him into his crate is a bit of an effort, but I should manage. I just wrap him in a towel and shove him and the towel in. Then he yowls all the way there, in the waiting room and all the way home. Fortunately he is pretty well behaved during the process. I have found that talking "sense" helps too.
Book, I hope you are over those fainting spells - you could really hurt yourself. You do need to get rid of the sinus infection; I make up a solution of hydrogen peroxide - using those little bottles of saline nose rinse. I dilute the peroxide to about 1 mls in 10 mls of boiled water. When I started I diluted it more than that -about 1:20 or 1:40. It stings!!! I make sure my nasal cavities are well rinsed at least twice a day -more if I have a bad infection like I have had, and it does get rid of it. I really can't take antibiotics anymore because of the gut imbalance. Yes those infections can be pretty painful and, thanks I am feeling better, and it is a relief!
Margeaux -re Osiris climbing over the keyboard -Toonie lies beside me often. I have the laptop on my lap and a mouse and mouse pad on the sofa beside me. He snuggles up to my hand and is now lays his head on my hand -while I am using the mouse, and lays his paw across my arm. He is funny when he wants to cuddle. He watches to see when I am going upstairs and waits in case I come down again. If I go up to bed and he comes with me and I need to go down stairs again I reassure him I will be back and he seems to understand. They are characters!
pinklady - I think you are smart to hide the keys. Years ago as my father was declining I advised my mother to do the same. He could still drive but was not safe. Keeping the envelopes and throwing away the contents - yes you wonder what goes through their heads. Glad you feel comfortable here. Sharing helps so much.
I am doing a little forehead whacking myself. Mother called tonight so I mentioned her liver and the card she sent me and she didn't remember much. I asked which doctor had told her this and she didn't know, and it didn't really matter at her age anyway, that she would be happy to die, as her life has too many difficulties. It makes me sad, as many people would be happy to have what she has. I think there is no doubt that she is depressed and has been all her life off and on. I just checked the internet and found articles which say 80% of people with BPD suffer from major depression - and that anger and depression may alternate. But, she will not take meds for anything mood related. She could have a decent quality of life if she would accept treatment, but she won't. Now again, she wants me to find someone to make her supper as she is dissatisfied with the supper she gets from home care. Her case manager has given the home care people extra time with mother because she is so fussy. There is no point in looking for someone else as she will find fault with them too, and truthfully I doubt anyone could be found who is any better that the people she has. So I just say I will see what I can do. She wants me to contact an agency that she hired someone from for a short while a year ago. The girl who was sent did not know how to make a bed - she had never seen a duvet. This is not to fault the girl. She came here recently from another country, and was working for a very small wage. I know that is the kind of help that is available for hire, and mother will not be happy. She has asked me this before, and forgotten about it and will forget again for a while. She seems to have forgotten about wanting her lawyer to visit thankfully. I found out from my cousin that he was supposed to pick mother up in Ontario if she has been successful in getting an airplane ticket to fly east. I am a little disturbed by this as I have POA and personal directive and he declined to take it years ago when mother asked him and I was in her bad books. She would always prefer a male, anyway. None of the rest of us knew that this was being arranged. I am in infrequent email contact with him and with his wife who are very nice people, but maybe a little misguided, and need to address this, as it is my job to decide where mother lives –and my decision is for her to stay where she is. I am sure they were just trying to be “helpful” and mother had probably told them that I never did anything for her, never helped her and so on. I think we just need to communicate. It is his son who lives in mother’s city and that young man gets the situation very well, as he has had enough contact with mother. Oh well –so it goes. I checked the internet and found out that people can live quite well with 10 to 20% liver function so if mother has 50% she is fine. Apparently for liver donations, they remove 60% for transplant and the donor regrows the rest. Her live will not regenerate like that, but she still has enough function for now and probably quite a while in the future. So life goes on as “normal” .
Joan~You could be right about a concussion, I was having mood swings, angry then depressed, irritable. Today was better but I didn't do anything but rest.
I am planning to go to Yosemite tomorrow. An old friend will be in the area and we are going to meet at the Tioga Pass Resort. He is actually a friend of my brothers, our meeting will be short because I have to get back home around 5-6 because of Midget. I will lock her in the kennel for the day. This guy used to be a firefighter at Yosemite back in the day. I would invite my brother to go but Tioga Pass Resort is very high in elevation (almost 10,000 ft), I don't think it would work with his lung issues.
Well gotta go and hoping I am not mood swinging tomorrow. My neighbor told me don't do anything stupid like file for divorce during a mood swing, LOL!!
My mom reorganized her dresser drawers and files daily...this is why she couldn't find things, she has always been an organizer. Then she got where she was hiding everything that was important to her in her master bedroom...barricading herself in the bedroom at night locking the door.
I am glad you feel comfortable coming here and talking about your situation. It sounds like you have a plan and Yes...hide those keys!!
My mom is well past the asking the same question all the time. She is incontinent and poops her pants. She is still able to dress herself and feed herself but needs help. She is very unsteady on her feet and bounces off the walls down the hallway. She really needs to use a walker (I bought one) but she refuses to use it.
My mom has been accusing us of stealing her things for years. Now that we removed her from the house and she only has a few of her own things it has increased. It is hurtful.
My mom blames me for all her problems and doesn’t want to admit that she could no longer live alone.
Funny about the hiding things. I told my husband this morning that we needed to put our car keys in our bedroom instead of on the hook by the door. I told him that when she was at her house she used to hide her keys all the time and we would have to search all over for them to take her to the doctor’s appointments. He said “she didn’t do that six months ago when she was visiting”. I said “do you really want to take that chance?”. I have mine in the bedroom and if she hides his I’m going to say “I told you so”. He should know, his father had early stage Alzheimers many years ago. He’s also had several aunts and uncles develop it. I told him I am trying to avoid things as much as possible.
My parents were hoarders of antiques and collectibles in their early years. In their later years they started collecting junk. After my dad passed away I was cleaning out my mother’s dresser because I found some silverware in there. The top two drawers were filled with empty envelopes. Mail she had received. She had opened the envelopes, thrown away the contents (sometimes) then stashed the envelopes. So strange how the mind misfires.
I am so happy I found a place where others have gone and are going through the same things. I am so happy to be here. And thanks for the welcome.
Margeaux, their like outdoor pets but we don’t pet them. Oldest sis feeds them cat food. I Try to feed them our left over people food. They prefer the cat food. The chickens prefer the human food. The cats keep coming here as kittens and then when they become adults, they move on to somewhere else. Don’t know where they are going. I guess the momma cat or the father cat chases them away. At nights, I hear them viciously fighting. I once broke it up. Poor teenage cat was fighting while trying to hide underneath the porch chair. the adult cat fled because I chased it away. That teenage cat was protective of the other cats. He’s gone now. Don’t know where he went. Laughed at the antics of your Osiris.
Hi Mayfair, Welcome to AC! When you feel the need to share your story, please feel free to do so.
Sad1, you have a lot happening. Yes, be angry with your daughter. Make that mediation money be the final last straw. There’s only so much one can take before you put your foot down. One thing if you help and she shows appreciation. Another whole thing if she uses the money for something else. …..as for your son and motorcycle…it’s a guy thing. Almost all my male relatives have a motorcycle despite the fact that a lot of motorcycles get into major accidents and their riders die. There’s no mandatory law that they wear helmets. The senators were going to pass it but the riders were against it. Riders won. Now, they’re dying every couple of months. I’m soooo glad that your son wasn’t hurt! Sis always worry when hubby rides his bike to work.
Hi Pink, Brandy and Glad, Cmag!
Emjo. Funny you mentioned sinus. I’m getting a bad case of it because the weather keeps changing. Need to get rid of it before I board the plane. Flew one time with a sinus problem. Wanted to scream and yell – the pain INSIDE my ears were sooo painful. I was miserable the whole flight. I’m glad to see you posting. And that you’re feeling better now.
it has been a crazy week in Colorado. All the flooding, not in my area, but enough that the news is terribly disturbing and frightening for mom. She has no concept of the distance this is from us. Get frustrated with her husband when I suggest we turnoff the tv. He always says there is no getting away from it, and we have cable. Then he continues to talk about the disaster at dinner. It is hard enough to get mom settled down to sleep when nothing unusual is going on. And then sis decides no to take mom to church because mom was frightened watching news Saturday night. Sis doesn't even realize that mom is not going to remember anything about it when it is time for church. CLUELESS!
The most extreme I have seen mom when frightened was with Wacko fire last year. She kept going outside to turn on the irrigation system to keep the fire away. It was 60 miles from here, not even smoke here. Sisters always think I am lying when I tell them these things, so I don't tell them much at all anymore. I would like to see how either of them could handle even a week of caregiving, but then again, no, it would be very hard on mom.
sharyn I am sorry about Tiger. About a year ago I went though that with Toonie, and now he is an inside cat at night. He needed a lot of attention. Getting the meds into him was difficult. He spat the pills out even though Gary thought he has pushed them down his throat. Finally I crushed the pills and dissolved them in the other meds which were liquid, and got them into him all at once with an eye dropper. He had a drain and had to have it removed. His coat suffered for months and he threw up after eating for months. I think the meds harmed his stomach. Thankfully he seems to be pretty well back to normal. Sharyn, I wonder if you had a mild concussion too from what you describe. It sounds like you hit yourself hard enough for that. You can google to find the symptoms. Mine were atypical headaches which started a few days after I fell, and some serious fatigue. I think I am over it now. All you can do is rest and take painkillers if needed. There are other symptoms like sleep disturbances, depression, emotionality and more.
Margeaux take care of that back - lower back pain is no fun and as we get older our spines suffer and muscle tone is not as good. That gets me when I have been inactive.
Alison - one adventure after another. Made me think about our house and mold and my sinus infections. we have had some leaks in the basement, Hope things between your bro and you are OK. I agree that your mother is your biggest problem.
Sad1 -wow -glad your son is OK. Motorcycles are fun but can be dangerous, As for your daughter - I know the feeling and have had to draw boundaries. Glad your mum is quiet for now, I have lost track of which of your kids is getting married/ just got married
juju -hope you are home or nearly so. This has been a real ride for you and your mum
book - so glad you have a good therapist -they are worth their weight in gold. Hope you are still finding it helpful. You seem to have your dad's number.
Mayfair - of my, join the crowd here. Why does it usually land on one person?
as sharyn says, tell us more when you are ready.
pinklady - you have reason to feel concerned Vent away. It does help. sharyn has good advice for you. No, you are not bad. A psychologist, Pauline Boss, says that it usually is not wise for a person who has been abused to do hands on caregiving for the abusive parent. She suggests caregiving "at arms length" -or overseeing caregiving that others do. This works if your parent is in a facility.. The main concern is to see that your parent is safe and well cared for and that no further harm happens to you. I care give at a distance -5 hours drive away. Even that is hard at times. I could never take my mother into my home. Even visits of a few days years ago were very stressful.
cmag - how are you and how are your wife and mother doing? We haven't heard much so I am assuming - maybe incorrectly, that things are reasonable.
marylea -glad you have established distance between you and your dad. I know it is hard.
Punch - good to hear from you again. I may be dealing with the same soon.
If I have forgotten anyone it is unintentional -let us know how you are.
here finally I am starting to feel better, It seems you get a days grace and then something else happens. Mother has been quiet for a couple of weeks then this morning I got a card in the mail from her (a Good Luck card???) saying that she has been told that her liver is half gone, and that she does not have long to live. I am inclined to believe it -at least to some extent, as over a year ago I went with her to her then dr who reviewed her tests and told me that her liver was not great. I know mother did not hear him and I said nothing to her - no point. This last visit to the hospital for shakiness and nausea fits the picture. I have no idea who her doctor is now and will call her case manager to try to find out. Mother was supposed to see a geriatrician in a clinic in September. Today, I emailed her and called her twice but she did not answer. I have been fooled before by mother so it is possible that this is a game too, but even if it isn't you know she will use it for attention - the nature of narcissism. So I need to confirm this with her doctor and find out what her prognosis is, I will travel down some time soon, but there is not much I can do other than visit, and I can't do that for long. She has the care she needs from home care, her case manager is on top of it, Hopefully she will stick with the doctor she has seen. Maybe she was diagnosed from the last ER visit. No one called me from the hospital so she may have told them not to. She has cried wolf so many times it is hard to believe that this could be it, except that she has never thought about her liver, and I know what her old dr told me. If she said her heart was failing I would know it was a story. I have heard that one for well over 50 years and she has made it to 101 with that "bad" heart for which she has never been given any treatment. So to some extent it is wait and see. Hopefully her case manager can enlighten me. I don't think mother will stay quiet for long - so I will find out more from her eventually. This is not her usual way of complaining and demanding so I am more inclined to believe it. Other than that, life goes on. G is away so much these days, we have planned a dinner theatre evening in mother's city in the next month or so. I took a look back at this summer and it was good until July 9th when mother tried to take off to Toronto. She has told my sister since that she will go if she gets the chance. July was sorting out things with mother, August and into September was the concussion and this awful sinus infection, now it seems mother is ailing more. I was seriously thinking about dropping POA as I know the stress of mother it is hard on my health, but if her liver is failing enough to be a concern., I will hang in there. It can't go on for ever. Here temps are dropping quite low at night, - down to 50, leaves are turning and starting to drop, but we had 77 today. Forecast for cooler weather there rest of the week and some rain which is badly needed. I have been watering several times a week. Need to get the lawns and trees well hydrated before the cold weather sets in, have a good night everyone -love and hugs
It has been a big strain on me for the past 4-5 years now. My siblings just keep saying "don't stress about it sis" and I get so darned tired of hearing them say that. They don't worry about her care at all because they figure I will.
I think that getting her into an assisted living facility/memory care unit is going to be the best thing. I have checked out a few and found a couple to be to my liking. I will be visiting her often to make sure that she is cared for properly. That is one thing I wouldn't have a guarantee of if she lived near one of my siblings.
I know that sometimes I feel that only I know what is best for her, but honestly, half of my siblings are extremely dysfunctional and only care about themselves. I’m more the logical thinker in the family.
Sometimes I just feel guilty thinking that I should want her with me. I’m not excited about her coming to live with us. I will do everything that is necessary to make sure she has the best care possible. It is that there isn't that great of an emotional attachment and I often feel guilty that it isn't there.
My siblings are always crying about this or that and the loss of my father and making sure my mother is loved and cared for, yet none of them are willing to step up to take care of her. I guess that wall that I surrounded myself with in order to survive my childhood is still there. Maybe it will help me to get through these next few months of having my mother here.
I’ve set up all her doctors appointments for after her arrival, I’ve set up her bedroom to make it homey and will take care of her the best I can.
It’s a very mixed bag of emotions for me.
I’m sure I’m not the only one out there who has felt this way.
but expect her to need time to adjust like 3-4 months.
Asking to go home is normal and will continue until they progress where they no longer remember..could be a year or more.My mother is living in a memory care unit in Ca.since April. She is adjusting, doing well, participates, has gained 8 lbs, made friends but she still insists on going home. Remember that an assisted living/memory care community does require more of your time in visiting and being up on your mother's care than a skilled nursing facility. Welcome to the thread and We hope to hear more from you.
As for my daughter - I will just be friendly enough through the wedding and holidays - I will have an opportunity - eventually. There is a part of her that is like my mother that just freaks me out. And she lives about 20 minutes away from my mother - but won't see her - too busy. Um - no job, kids are in school - busy doing what??? So frustrating. I did have a good run yesterday though - I think because I was so mad at her - I just flew through it - left my husband in the dust. LOL! That felt good!
Sorry to say - I am sorry to hear about your son's religious choice - no disrespect to any JW's out there - I have personally not had good experiences with many religions. I am one to believe that we can be spiritual without the "fluff". Too many rules and restrictions - it seems to me to live a good caring life and live by the Golden Rule. I prefer to walk the walk than talk the talk. All you can do is love your son - and be there - but not be a door mat or the bank of sherynmarie....such a fine line we have to take - especially as we are already dealing with an aging parent to boot!
So sorry you can't go see your daughter. It is disappointing when these accidents happen and shake up our life. Perhaps had you put your hand out - you may have ended up like me - breaking it and needing surgery - I ruined summer that year! Did it Memorial weekend. Maybe you and Tiger just need to cuddle up on the couch and rest. Hugs to you too - and hope you continue to feel better - and don't be too hard on yourself.
Pinkladyapple - welcome to this wonderful group - you will find the most caring supportive people around - and someone here for sure is going through something very similar and will have some wonderful advise. Although it is a welcome - it is also sorry you have to be here...
Hugs!
I have not even taken over my mom’s 24/7 care and I’m already stressed out. She arrives in two weeks.
Sorry if this is a long explanation but I need to vent.
Four years ago my father became ill. He lost the use of his epiglottis and could no longer eat or drink anything. He had a peg tube installed and was fed through that until he died. He was in and out of the hospital and went into a skilled nursing home for 1.5 years. He didn’t want to die there so I worked with Medicaid and was able to get him home care so he could go home. He lived at home for about 1 year before passing, this past January.
During this time, I ended up taking over my parent’s finances. My sister and I are POA and we also have a Medical Directive for mom and dad.
About 3 years ago my mother started showing signs of dementia. My niece (who is the devil herself), abused the situation by leaving her now 9 year old at the house for my mom to raise. She would also leave her other children 5 and 3 year old there for weeks on end. My niece spent all of my mom’s money in her checking account, forged checks and ruined my mom’s car.
I have 8 siblings and the majority of them didn’t get involved in the day-to-day issues that arose with my parents. I dealt with the thieving niece, I dealt with the police trying to press charges for the forged check (the police wouldn’t do anything if my mother wouldn’t press charges on the niece), and issues like utilities being turned off. We reported them to APS and CPS, neither of which did anything about the elderly abuse or the child abuse (my niece drugged her children so she could go out on weekends). The home care staff notified me of lack of food, and my niece not being willing to fill the pillbox on a weekly basis, etc.
Because I work out of my home, and all my other siblings go to an “office”, I was the one that it all fell on. No one else had time. They would visit a couple times a year. Plus, I’m the more responsible one in the family.
For four years, I drove 10.5 hours, each way, to visit my parents. It was one day to get there, spend 3-4 days taking care of issues taking them to doctors appointments, then one day back. During that time all of my work was put on hold. I did this once every month of those four years.
When my father passed away everyone decided that my mom could not live in her home anymore. We couldn’t afford to hire someone to watch her 24/7 and we knew that if we didn’t have someone there constantly then the niece would move in with her three children and my mother would be neglected and abused.
My mother was pooping her pants, not taking her medications, not eating and losing weight, and her home was mouse, cockroach and bug infested, with lots of mold. I could never stay there when I traveled there to help and had to stay in a hotel because I would get a chest infection every time I went. But, she wanted to stay there.
I stayed there for one month after my father passed and set up my mom’s going on “vacation” with me. I got letters from her doctors stating she had dementia, everything. Then I flew with my mom to my house where she vacationed for a week. Then I drove her down to my older brother’s house so that he and his wife could take care of her. They live 9 hours away. Originally everyone thought she would come to live with me because of course I’m always the one who steps up. But, my older brother offered and to be honest, I was so very relieved. Thought, I finally got my life back!
We all thought that my older brother’s house would be best since he was the oldest. She would remember his last. Also, my mother and father were extremely abusive to the girls but loved on the boys. It was unfair but that was the way it was growing up. Verbally and physically. Also, my sister-in-law doesn’t work and speaks Spanish my mom’s native tongue. They have a single story home which made it easier to get around.
None of us knew at the time that my SIL was extremely obsessive compulsive disorder. She takes 2.5 hour showers. Her house is minimalist and she doesn’t allow anyone to do anything in her home. I thought she was just clean and had never really had much contact with her. As time went out I found out more and more and my SIL complained. We offered to hire help and she refused because she didn’t want to have anyone in her home. We offered to have my mom go to day care but my SIL wouldn’t get on the bus to go with her (my SIL doesn’t drive). Anyway, my brother finally threw up his hands and said my mom had to get out and go into an assisted living place.
Since my sister and I are POA, it would mean that I would have to drive 9 hours to go check places out (because god forbid my brother and SIL do any of that), I’d have to file with California for Medicaid assistance, etc. It didn’t make sense. So, once again, I am the one to go down there and get my mom and have her come live with us for the next few months.
I have been checking out assisted living places and have found a couple that will work. There isn’t any day care in our area but I have contacted some respite care companies in case I need them.
I’d like to have her for a few months to allow her to adjust to the idea of going into an assisted living facility. I’d have her stay longer if she is civil toward me. The one thing I will not tolerate is being abused by her or being made fun of by her. I had enough of that while I was growing up.
We’ve prepared things for her room.
She’s going to constantly say she wants to go home and since I was the one who removed her from there (because none of my other siblings wanted to actually do it but wanted her out), then I’m the one who is blamed for it all. Also, she’s probably going to blame me for removing her from my brother’s house even though my mother cries every time my younger brother takes her for the weekend and has to take her back to my SIL. My mom hates it there.
I think what scares me most is the unknown.
That is my rant for the day. I feel like a doormat sometimes and the stress is a bit much for me to take. I worry about everything. Plus, my whole life is going to change. I won’t be able to hop in the car and go to sales to pick up items to sell. I will have an angry, unhappy person in my home.
All I can do is to keep reminding myself that I do have a way out. Am I being a bad child for not wanting to take care of someone who abused me so badly while I was growing up? I do it out of obligation. I care about her. I am just not devoted to her. I care about getting her the best care but I feel so emotionally detached from her. It’s like I’m helping her because I would do that for any elderly person I came across that was being abused and neglected. Am I the right type of person to be a caregiver even though I know that is what I have been doing for both of them for the past several years. It’s a confusing time for me.
Anyone out there understand?
The situation with your daughter is sad and painful. With writing a letter but not sending, it helps to get your anger out and I can understand you not wanting any drama at a wedding.
My son was baptized this past Saturday as a JW. While I have no real issues about him converting, I did tell him to give me time to get my mind around this because it is so different from what he was raised to believe. I did tell him that I expect him to keep in touch more by sending a thinking of you card to his dad, grandfather and grandmother. I accept that they do not acknowledge birthdays, Christmas,etc...but they do acknowledge wedding anniversaries. Their point is to acknowledge people throughout the year without it being a pagan reason like a birthday, but my son and dil have not acknowledged us except when they needed help.I told him I will also work on my end on communicating more with him. The only reason I have not communicated with him like I do my daughter, is because he does not respond.
I am ok in regards to my eye. I do admit that today I am experiencing depression again. The shock to my body/mind knowing I was going to hit a cement floor and my arms were not in a position to put out in front to break the fall, not being able to go to Idaho to visit my daughter, Tiger getting hurt. It has all been a big disappointment for me. Yes, a sense of humor helps and I will get over this too.
I hope your situation gets better with your daughter. I know it weighs on your mind daily. Praying your son gets rid of the motorcycle. Hugs to you!!
I am glad your back is not hurting anymore. Lower back problems can cause your legs to ache too. Riding up a hill would be a problem for me too.
Thank you asking about my eye,LOL!! I am feeling better. I was very depressed Saturday, I think the shock of knowing I was going to hit the floor with my face and the impact was so hard, threw me off course for awhile. Some swelling is gone so i can see better, but it is dark purple. I went into my grocery store yesterday to pick up some things, I wanted to see "M" the co-worker who was with me that night, I knew she would be worried so I wanted to let her know I was ok. Everyone was shocked at how purple my eye is just from falling. I told them hubby and I were just telling everyone he hit me because of my big mouth,LOL!! "J" our baker, said Yes and all you said to him was just go to sleep, honey!! We had a good laugh about that. My glasses are bent so I am going to take them in to see if they can straighten them out for me. "M" said that they repaired the metal strip that caused my fall on Saturday. To bad they wait until someone gets hurt.
Tiger is doing good. I took the cone off so he can navigate better. He is not trying to remove the bandage. Osiris sounds like a character, I am glad you are enjoying him.
I hope all is good with your mom and sister. Walking is good for the back.
Have a good week, hugs!!
I have had a pretty challenging week too. My daughter (35) who is in a dysfunctional marriage took my very generous check for "mediation" and hasn't contacted me since - didn't respond to my messages etc. I am so done. She also lied to me about being in my mothers house...why she was there or lied about it - I have no idea. But I am really angry. I wrote a letter just to get it out. Not sending it as we have the reception for my son and DIL coming up...don't want any drama.
I am still waiting to hear from the dentist for my mom - round two. Meanwhile the meds must be working and no phone calls!
So trying to deal with all this with my mom and daughter, youngest son (23) who lives at home with his either wonderful or sour attitude, planning the reception - my eldest son(30) who just purchased a Harley which is so not him - and no experience riding (influenced by a co-worker) totaled it yesterday - and amazingly stood up and walked away after rolling 50' on pavement. Gloves shredded, helmet thrashed- OMG! I am still sick to my stomach. How can two weeks ago just be my mother being my only problem?