The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Allison,

Wow, you had to move yourself and your father?
Yes, mold is terrible, no less if someone has respiratory issues.

I'm happy that your brother's home is so big, and it appears you are able to cope.
I hope the mold issue will be resolved in the very near future.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Sharynmarie,

How are you feeling from the fall you took? I hope you are better and your black eye is going away. Last week I also had a very bad bout of my lower back pain act up. My husband and me decided to take our bikes out for a ride. There is a hill that is quite an upgrade, and I have a pedal bike, (not a 10 speed) so I have to do all of the pedaling. I'm afraid I made the big mistake of thinking I was going to try to ride the hill all the way up, which I must have done about one half of it. Usually when I get to this hill, I walk the bike up. That was Thursday evening, and on Friday morning my lower back felt very tight. All day I was in pain, and had to take an analgesic. It's better now, but I'm having to also be on an inflammatory diet. I don't know what I was thinking! Here I thought I was going to attend a social event with my husband, something I wanted to go to. It was because my husband too, was taking some things to this event, and I'm still being careful with him in terms of lifting. So since I'm the helper right now. But I was so out of commission.

How is Tiger doing? It is difficult to leave a pet who is having a health problem in the care of someone else. I hope he is healing, this way you can heal together! HAAH!

That's interesting what you shared about your daughter and your husband.
I remember feeling that way about being with my dad when I was alone with him, but as your husband...dad didn't need lots of entertainment. Women also interact differently when it comes to hanging out with other women, vs. a man. I'm sure that you will have the opportunity to spend time with your daughter, soon.

As I was trying to post this, Osiris has been here for half an hour and is very amorous. When he doesn't get my attention, he meows and starts climbing furniture. He got up on our table, and literally lay over the computer keys.

Well, rest Sharynmarie, and I know you'll find plenty of things to do,
because I think that you are like me, we can't sit still for too long.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Book,

Yes, we lost Vanilla back in February.
It took some time for me to get over the initial missing him. I still miss him though.

What kind of cats are these wild cats? Are they Feral cats?
I have noticed some cats, or I have heard of them that are a more wild variety.

Oh and that neighbor, she continues to be a big PIA!

Much Love & LIght! Margeaux

That was suppose to be my bil not bio. He dropped off the bracelets and laughed at meLOL! Work tried to get me to go to ER but i said no not on a friday night plus it is not necessary...nothing broken...wrist is a little sore and my eye is dark purple but nothing serious. I was really depressed saturday, but iam over that now too. I think the shock of knowing you are going to hit head first no way to break the fall just wore me out. Iam rambling again..gotta find something to do with this late night energy.

LOL! BOOK... We. Are jusf telling everyone Hubby hit me...he got fed up with my mouth!! It is 12:30 am I slept a lo g time. Now I am wide awake. My eye does not seem as swllen. My bio came over eariler to drp off these plastic bracelettes in support for a little boy named Ethan Richardson who is under going radiation for a brain tumid. Anyone interested...his patents have a page on facebook for him. My bio was in the Navy with his dad. My daughter and I usually do some girl time shopping and browsing together...hubby is real easy as he is a homebody.. .I told her maybe see a movie together otherwise just kick back and
relax.
my brother sister and I had lunch with mom on Saturday. I want to go back today. Good night. I am rambling now as I cant sleep must find something to do now.

Sharyn, no, no, no. You look at the person straight in the eyes, with a very serious face, and say, "I misjudged the door and walked right into it. I bounced backward and then fell down the stairs. I never realized how clumsy I was until this happened."

As for your daughter, no idea how to entertain a low maintenance man. Just relax with him. Watch a show together. Check what's happening locally that might appeal to his interest. But don't overdo it because he wants to vegge out. Just take him out to the local scenes at night. You know, you hop in the car, go to a decent neighborhood and just walk the street (preferably where all the tourists go to.)

Wow, that must have your eye. I'm glad you didn't damage it permanently.

My daughter is freaking out because she does mnot know what to do to entertain her dad. I told her he is low maintainance...just give him the remote and he will be happy. He said he wants to vegge out for the week ( which he deserves) , will take them out for dinner,etc. Sorry for the typos but I cant see well right now with my left eye swollen. It is the stronger eye because i have an occlusation in my right eye retina. Daughter is kiilling me with guilt...I know she understands but she is panicing on how to entertain her father which is not necessary.My hubby is very self contained...needs no entertainment from others, very low maintenance.

I will put a LOL spin on this story!! I am on vacation now. I fell at work tonight, my pant leg got caught on a metal strip, I couldn't shake it loose, lost my balance and fell full force with nothing to break my fall...right on my left eye cheek bone. Yes, I have a black eye all swollen, my glasses are bent. My hubby said just tell everyone I hit you, LOL!!

Book~Thank you! I just don't want to put extra care for Tiger on my bil. He would have to take Tiger to the vet next Thursday to get the bandage off, it wouldn't work with his work schedule since he doesn't get home until 6:30pm. Plus having to clean the litter box...he would do it for his own daughter but I just couldn't impose that on him for me. My daughter is really disappointed and so am I...the timing really sucks.

Margeaux, I didn’t know that Vanilla passed away. I remember you telling the story of hubby and the neighbor over her. I just love to read about people’s stories…even their pets. I have never had a pet. I do know that cats are very intelligent. Did you know our wild cats understand hand signals? I once wanted one of them to come to me. I used my pointer finger to call it over to me. He dragged himself slowly to me. The other cats were going to interfere and I used my Stop hand signal. They stopped. Then I wiggled my finger to the reluctant cat, he inched forward. That was when I realized how smart cats really are.

Sharyn, glad that Tiger doesn’t need that draining. You staying home shows how much you love that cat. Even if you went with hubby, you would be worrying about Tiger and if BIL is caring for him the way you would.

Margeaux~It is so sweet when a cat reaches their paw out to tell you they want petted. Tiger does that to my back when I am on the computer. He gets on a chair next to me and will gently place his paw on my back. I watched a video on Utube about a cat and the owner. The cat would actually gently grab the skin on the back of the man's hand and lift his hand up so he would pet the cat. It was really cute. I agree about people who don't take care of their pets...why have them. I knew that by letting Tiger stay out like he has been was risky, but I kept justifying it that he does not wander to far, usually is always in our yard. Well the vet called me a little while ago, she said Tiger is resting comfortably, he is wrapped up in a bandage like a t-shirt. She said he must have gotten caught on something because his wounds is jagged around the edges and is very deep, almost to the sternum. She did not have to put a drain tube in...poor little guy, he will have to adjust to being indoors now. I can't risk letting something happen to him again. Tomorrow is my last day of work then I don't go back until the 23rd. Looking forward to some down time even though I won't get to see my daughter, but we are already making plans for next May. She said they may fly out here in Feb.
Take care and big hugs to you and Osiris!!

Margeaux,

My wife has run into the constipation problem.

My mother continues to not talk and eats very little when fed.

Take care

Cmagnum,

I am glad that your wife is allowed to eat some solid kind of food.
My husband's hernia was of the Inguinal type, which is down by lower abdomen.
So, on account of initial post-op meds they prescribed, the instructions did warn of constipation that can be caused. I was glad he understood this, and I did my best to keep him regular w/diet. If he wasn't, he could feel more pain in the area of the surgery.

This is great, that you are losing some weight. Wow, and you are lifting some weights? That's very good! I've been taking some long walks, mixed w/light trips to the market, when I'm not going to buy so many things. It's a de-stressor for me, something I really need. When I exercise, I also sleep way better.

How is your mother doing?
O.K., my friend, big hugs,
I keep you and yours in my thoughts,

Much Love & Light! Margeaux


I

Punch,

I want to offer my condolences on the passing of your mother.

Given your kind of a relationship with her, I completely understand how you feel.
When our aunt, mom's sister passed over a year ago, this was the feeling I had.
She was always too involved in our lives, and unfortunately she was a very toxic person, always crossing boundaries. Actually, some of the description about your own mom, reminded a lot of her.

Well, this is what we feel, we who have been violated by people like these for all of the years they've been in our lives. In our family, since our aunt didn't have any kids of her own, she was always made to feel by our our mother, that she was some kind of 2nd, mom. Weren't we lucky!

Anyway, enjoy your freedom!
This definitely says something about our human spirit!

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Jujubean,

I am extremely sorry about your having to put your cat down. We did this back in Feb., this year. I offer you my condolences.

I was wondering what had happened to you. It will be good for you and your mother to move back to your home. I realize that your house is under reconstruction, but I'm sure being in your own space has got to be better than being in a hotel. How is your mom's healing going? Do let us know.

Hang in there, my friend!
Hugs, Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Sharynmarie,

I don't know if I told you that when Vanilla passed back in Feb., of this year,
for those of you who don't know (a cat shared), by my husband and the woman neighbor. My husband brought him here 21 yrs. ago, yes he lived that long.
When my husband began to travel-work, the neighbor took him in. But for all those years, Vanilla kept coming and staying here at our place. We of course fed and cared for him & another cat she has. Anyway, you know we took his passing very hard.

So our other neighbors next door have this black cat, named Osiris.
He's beautiful! Must have some kind of Egyptian bloodline in him. He's unfortunately quite neglected by the young couple who ignore him. We think he get's locked out of their place quite often at night time; he's an outdoor kitty.
He's quite the curious cat, too. So just before Vanilla passed, he started jumping our garden fence, attempting to come in. Vanilla at first behaved a little territorial.
But at the very end, Vanilla, allowed Osiris to come in.

Each time I'd think of Vanilla, mourning his passing, Osiris would show up.
This was so magical. I already had a relationship w/Osiris, going on 2 yrs., because he goes inside the studio where our doves are housed, on my neighbor's property-the wine drinker. That's a whole story in and of itself, since our landlady (who's very hostile), tried to evict me and the doves. Our neighbor has been kind enough to allow us to let them live in a studio, it's a converted garage space. This is where I've been doing some sewing.

But anyway, Osiris was being quite neglected. His owners, aren't from our state,
hence they go somewhere in the midwest to visit family. Supposedly, they've left another neighbor (also young girl), in charge to feed Osiris. Well, on one out of towner this girl left town too. We couldn't believe it, Osiris was completely left w/o food, and water in very hot temps, here. I was somewhat against feeding him, but we did. I don't understand why people like this would have pets, if they don't give a heck about them.

Anyway, we've grown to really love this kitty, and he loves us too.
It was interesting also, because he's insecure about his living situation.....
he didn't come here for about 3 weeks, which was about the time my husband had the surgery. Interesting too, it was also on the back of when they'd gone out of town. My husband would ask if I'd seen Osiris, when I go feed our doves.
Then finally, one day Osiris came back. We somewhat think he knew something was going on w/my husband, too. He was so careful not to go right up to him.
I give him little kitty massages. Sometimes when he wants them, he sticks his little paw out to touch me, as he's saying, "touch me."

We love our doves too, we bring them to our place and let them fly, for exercise.
O.K., just wanted to tell you about my cat story.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Anyone with Kindle know how to make it become a text messaging machine? I read on my numerous researches that it can be done. I just didn't write it down... Hmmm.. maybe I copied and pasted it in my file notes under Kindle...most likely not but I will check...I'd like to try texting fave sis here on island while I'm in Hawaii. I believe there's a way to do it for free or as domestic price.

Cholena~Your situation is tough. I do agree with bookluvr that most often the person who has POA but lives separate from the parent while another family member is doing all the caregiving, is not willing to use the parents accounts rightly for their care. I really suggest you absorb this because it happens all to often. You will left trying to take care of your mother on a very small amount money using what money you have as the main source of income for both of you.Please make an appointment with an elder law attorney to set up the DPOA. Yes your brother can easily talk your mother into changing it...if he does...you need to ask yourself if you are willing to continue to care for your mother while he has control of the money. I don't know what state you live in...I live in California...we call it a conservatorship other states call it a guardianship. To get a guardianship you will need a dr. or two to diagnose your mother as mentally incompetent (cannot make decisions for herself). In California, we have to go to court for a judge to decide competency. It takes about 6-9 months and costs around $5,000.00.You can speed it up by declaring an emergency, reducing the time to about 3 months but it costs more (at least here in California).I just want to bring this up to you...as much as it hurts to hear...depending on where you live and how things like this are worked out...you may have to walk away from it.It really comes down to your chose...do you want to spend possibly several years being under a microscope with your brother if your mother refuses to assign DPOA to you? Definitely seek the advise of an elder law attorney, knowing what you already know about your brother...it will be worth it. Hugs to you!!

Margeaux~LOL!! Yes I do love my Tiger kitty. I don't want to put his post-op care on my bil who graciously will come over to feed him for me, expecting him to give Tiger medication and deal with a drain that will need to be moved around a bit so it does not heal into the wound, is asking too much. It is not going to cost as much as I expected ( I was going by that last time I had to this with another cat). Tiger's wound in right between his front legs, a difficult place because when he lays down he is laying on it. It has naturally drained by itself but it needs to be cleaned out.He is refusing to use a litter box, I am thinking of putting dirt from the backyard in the box and slowly adding litter to see if he accepts that more easily. The vet said the wound (abscess) is most likely the result of an attack by another cat. The dog groomer told me it could be from a fox tail but the vet said a cat will groom themselves and usually removes them. I could board Tiger, but it is very expensive and I can't afford it. It is just not my year with vacation time to go where I would like to go. My daughter is disappointed, hubby...even though he always says no way on spending that much on a cat....he understands and would feel bad if I put the cat down. The good side is, I will have 7 days off to catch up here at home without hubby around and who knows...maybe a road trip for me to drive to Yosemite or somewhere for some pics.
Yes the time schedule difference is a youth thing, if they had kids they be different but I doubt it since dils's mother is still like that. Did I tell you all that the Mil and Fil are living with them in their tiny apartment? Whatever floats their boat, LOL!!! I am sure mil has complete control of their household. Some people like the closeness to this extreme...not me...I need my space!! To me, they are still newlyweds, who needs mom and dad right in the next room...really?

Good news your hubby is well on his way to recovery and you can take that bike ride some time soon!! I hope your visit with your mother is good. Let us know how she is and sis too. Hugs to you, have a good weekend!!

What happened to my post, it got separated!
Cats,
Margeaux

Oh Sharynmarie,

You love your Tiger! Poor little guy. I wonder how he got this wound?
Well I hope all goes well tomorrow with his appointment.
I am sorry that you won't be able to go to Idaho w/your husband though.

Wow, a lot of people have been posting about not driving at night.
I can relate, also. My husband is a late riser. So many times if we've driven out of town, and we made a plan to leave about 8-9:00 a.m.,sometimes we don't get out the door until 11:30. This is because he's pokey.

But yes, it's a youth thing, what can we say! I used to do the same thing when I was their age. But the traveling right up to almost when one must report for work,
late driving at night, I don't do well doing that anymore. One thing is, especially for women, I don't know about all of you, but let's say if your car breaks down,
I'd rather something like this happen during daylight hours. There are too many weirdos on the road, and when night falls, they multiply.

I have a friend who drives by herself at all kind of night time hours. She's driven almost non-stop from CA to Oregon. That's quite a drive IMO, alone for a woman. Last year she called me when she and her neighbor were driving in an area they weren't familiar with. It started to snow, and she and her friend became quite scared because it was so dark on the road, and w/snow in their window, oh boy! But she's called me 2x's in the last year at night while something like this was happening. I couldn't do anything for her either, since I live very far from her.
It's about safety, and having some common sense. Sometimes, I know my friend doesn't think about that part.

I like the attitude you are taking with regards to your son and DIL.
That's good you could spend some time with them. It must be difficult for them,
the fact they haven't been able to conceive.

O.K., Take care,
and of Tiger, yourself,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux



My husband is healing.He finally had a follow up, only a week ago.
I thought that was a rather long wait for a follow up, it was 3 weeks later.
The doc said, he was good. Of course I have had to remind him when he shouldn't do something. He thought we were going to take out our bikes just 2 weeks after the surgery. I said, "no way." I thought this was too soon for this activity. Overall he is feeling better. I had to rest after this, as it wiped me out.

I haven't been to mother's for a couple weeks with everything we went through.
I had to camp out here literally the first two weeks. I'll go down there before the end of the week. But I've only spoken to my sister the necessary. The last time she called, it was to try to run her repeat complaints about my SIL, which is like a broken record, if you ask me. Thank you for asking, Sharynmarie.

Hi Cholena...Guardianship will be difficult. Your mom needs to be declared by her doctor as having dementia and is incompetent of making decisions in her life and unable to care for herself. MOST doctors will Not do this. Especially since your mom is just starting. After doc declares her incompetent, you need a lawyer to process the guardianship and go through court.

POA is very easily changeable. If your mom gives you POA, your bro can persuade her to change it to him - without having to let you know until it's a done deal.

I like Austin's advice. FYI, I have read over and over on this site when one sibling has POA (living in another residence) while the main caregiver lives with the parent struggling to make ends meet - financially and around the appointments, etc... while the one holding the POA and purse strings refuse to do their moral duties as POA.

Cholena I think I would tell her if she gives POA to your brother who does nothing for her -I might tell her then he can take care of her and you will stop doing all you are doing for her and threaten to leave-even if you have to go into a shelter or rent a room for a few weeks until bro gets wise. Some offices of the aging have lawyers who donate their time for a few hours a week or connect legal aide to get advice. If your brother finds himself caring for her he will run so fast away from the POA and then she will have to give it to you.

Hugs to all. I am living with and taking care of my mother, and it is not easy. I have a brother who has been living with her for the past decade. I am disabled and on a fixed income, my brother has no income or no desire to create income, as my mother pays for everything for him. My mom has been showing signs of dementia, and is mean and paranoid. I need to know how to go about getting POA and/or guardianship/conservatorship. She has been talking about giving POA to my brother , I love him dearly but he is one of the laziest, most irresponsible people I know, so not a good choice to be in charge of being responsible for someone. I need to do something soon, but don't know how to go about it. Any suggestions?

Hubby and daughter can't postpone their vacas for 2-3 weeks so hubby will still be going to Idaho and I will home to take care of my kitty, oh well!!

Tiger will undergo a wound clean tomorrow. It is in a bad spot because he lays on it which gets whatever he lays on in the wound.

Hi Juju~I am sorry about your kitty. I have had to put down a couple cats, one in 2005, another in 2010. It is never easy to do. Max, the cat I put down in 2005, was my baby, I loved that cat so much....I still dream about him from time to time. Now Tiger is my baby, his personality is similar to Max, very loving and gentle.

Good Morning everyone, I have been mentally and physically overwhelmed and not even able to check in very much lately...doing ok, had to put cat down yesterday, one of the hardest things I've done, been a basket case since decided Saturday had to be done...been one problem after another round here I could write couple pages but I wont....hanging in there but this has been tough headed home very soon which will be the best thing even amid the rebuild, it is too hard trying to get stuff done with mom, at this hotel. I am hanging by a thread, sure pushed to my limits lately...home will be a good thing! I cant be very productive here!

Hope you all are doing ok! I will try to catch up when I can!
My love n support to you XOXO~
Peace,
Juju

Well, I talked with hubby about what may be in store for Tiger. He said...ABSOLUTELY NOT SPENDING $450 for surgery on a cat!!! He always gets likes this...I know pet care is expensive and our cats have always lived to be around 18 years old...Tiger is only 10 years old. I don't want to put him down if he can be healthy for another 8 years. I told him I can put it on my personal charge card...,meaning he wont be paying for it, I will, he just walked off shaking his head. I suck at these types of decisions!!

Marylee~Thanks for the info on dogs and cats. My Tiger has been acclimated to other cats, but we had a Siamese mix who was very neurotic and he would attack Tiger when he first came to live with us. Tiger is not a fighter, he is like a big kitten, wants to play all the time. I had to put Simon (the Siamese) down in 2010 so Tiger has had 3 years without exposure to another animal. He has always been an indoor/outdoor cat, staying in the house at night and daytime during the winter. I couldn't get him to the vet today...appointment for tomorrow. I am hoping they will not have to lance the wound and put a drain tube in because if they do, I won't be able to go to Idaho. I don't want to dump medication and post-op care on my bil who is willing to come by and feed him for me while we are gone. My daughter will be very disappointed if I can't go and I don't know if hubby will go (at least for a 5 days) without me. My husband is a great guy, but he distanced himself from the kids (that is what he was taught), so for him to be there 5 days just hanging with our daughter., maybe uncomfortable for both of them. He may go for a 3 day weekend stint at the most. I haven't even brought this up with hubby yet, he is the eternal optimist. I am going on past experience with a cat with an abscessed wound. I am rambling I know, but i can't figure out how he got this wound in its location. It is not typical of a cat fight which would result in a claw wound around the head, tail or sides of his tummy. I hope he can adjust to being indoors and my hope is that by forcing him to stay indoors
for a few months, he will become more accepting of the dogs presence then i could start letting him out again as long as he stays in at night like he did before.

Brandywine~I have noticed that the younger people seem to prefer not living by the early rising as we have been taught. When they get together with friends in the evenings, their gatherings often do not start until 9:30-10pm. I like to take photos of nature so I prefer to go on outings early so I can get to my destination at sunrise. Even though hubby is an early riser, he does not like having to get up at 3:30-4:00 am on a day off so we can get to San Francisco for a sunrise photo shoot of the Golden Gate Bridge, LOL!!! Nor does he want to stay late enough so I can can get a sunset photo shot of the Golden Gate Bridge. I can't blame him, the traffic is heavy later in the day in the city. Yes we middle aged folks are much more time scheduled, however, my dil does get this from her mother, both cannot get anywhere on time. They got mad at me on year during Christmas when her mother was up here...dil wanted to include her in our Christmas dinner. I have no problem adding more people to our dinner table...I love doing that...however, I did tell dil and son that dinner would be at 4 pm. no later so be on time because my mom and sister do not like to drive after dark. I am "old school", when you are invited to join others...be respectful of the time they have given to you.

Alison~I am happy you have found a way to work around your brother. I sounds good in dealing with him. I know you are grateful he has allowed you and your father come there until the mold issue is resolved. If I were in your situation I would do the same thing. Keep taking care of you and let us know how the mold situation is coming along!!

Long winded I know, LOL!! Like I said above, I can't get Tiger in until tomorrow. He seems to be doing ok, eating good so the infection is not in his blood stream. I have blocked off the doggie door with some heavy items so he can't push them out of the way. Bridgette goes to the groomers tomorrow morning and Tiger to the vet at 2:30, me to work at 5pm. I have not had a day off since Sept. 2nd. Will be working through Friday. Yes even with 4-5 hour shifts, I am tired.
Hugs to everyone, hoping your week is good!!