The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Sharyn, I know the feeling about time. When I go the big city, I like to leave about 6:30 am. My friends want to leave at 9:30 am. I like to leave the city about 2 and get home about 4 so that I am not driving in the dark. 9:30 is way too late.

Sharyn, the bro I'm staying with... YES, same one. BUT, like I told book, I'm using my several weeks here to really try to take a detached look at him - as a man - and figure out what his triggers are when it comes to me. I actually think I'm figuring some of them out! Bro works pretty much all the time, and I rarely interact with him, and he ignores me and doesn't seek to interact with me anyway. He has a big house, so there's room to be away from "his space", and I'm bunking in 8 yr old niece's room (and she is lots of fun!), and SIL and I are getting along well... in fact, our relationship is deepening, and we are able to communicate about my bro, my mom, and SIL is very good for giving me insight to both of them.

At some point during this trip to bro's, he and I will undoubtedly have disagreement. I'm learning to let it roll off of me, and move away. His massive ego has always been something I've seen as a quality in him I MUST challenge, that it was the RIGHT thing to do, when he is rude and condescending (which he is, every single day), to tell him what a creep he is... Now, I couldn't care less. Let him be a creep. To me, to anyone... I'm not my brother's judge anymore.

I'm not saying I stay perfectly centered inside this detached frame of mind... but when I am there, I'm truly happiest. My mind doesn't ruminate on past conflicts, or worry about future conflicts. When I catch myself doing what I call "pretend arguments" with bro inside my head, I just laugh it off now and move on.

I think it is different with parent/child relationships. I know that, for me, my bad relationship with mom is bigger source of hurt than bad relationship with bro. I'm finding its easier to do detachment with sibling. And male sibling at that. So, really, who cares if bro is a bit of a egocentric boor? He's good enough to give me and dad a place to stay, and feed us, for weeks.

So thats where I'm at with relationship with older bro. And its a good place.

And SORRY these last couple of posts are all about me!!! I've been reading, just have been feeling a bit insecure in my own relationships, and life, and feeling very much like I don't have advice or insight to offer. Life is very humbling for me lately, and I find I'm questioning damn near everything...

Hope everyone is having a good week? Its only Tuesday, still time to turn things around if you're off to a not-so-great start, lol! (((hugs))) to all, thank you for being such wonderful friends, I treasure you!

warren eckstein..is a behaviorist..and has groups that will answer questions...dog and cats can be good friends...i think it's a process...don't know if i'm allowed to say this...they have a good forum for pet questions...thanks for all the positive support...my blessings to all of you...as we continue on our journeys.. marylee

Marylee , I understand the giving up. You have tried and tried ..and just getting nowhere with him. As long as YOU know you have done your best and can walk away with no guilt, then so be it. No condemnation from me. Maybe a wee bit envious of you but…. we each have our own road to walk on. May you also continue to find peace and comfort and love from this day forward. {{HUGS}} Book

Sharyn, I hope you enjoy your Idaho trip. Poor Tiger Kitty STILL hasn’t accepted Midget yet? You may need to Google on how to get a cat to accept a dog. I’m sure there must be something on that in the animal world of pets.

My son and dil have left for home. It is always hard to see them leave, our time together was short but their concept of time is different than mine and hubby's. Dil is very laid back...no worries no hurry...even though they left my house around 2pm today, they did not leave town until almost 4pm. It is now 11pm and they are not home yet.I laugh because hubby and I are more time scheduled and we plan to leave Idaho on Friday Sept. 20th to come home. That gives us 2 days to catch up laundry and just relax before going back to work...my son and dil have to be back at work late tomorrow afternoon.

When I got home for work last night, I noticed Tiger did not come in to eat. i was busy visiting with my son, we took Midget for a walk and stayed up till 1am. When I woke up this morning, my first thought was that Tiger did not come in last night. I went in the yard calling for him on and off all morning and afternoon, he was nowhere around. I have been very worried. After work tonight, I called for him again and he finally came out of the bush in the backyard. He has a wound between his front legs. I hope it is not an abscess but will take him to the vet tomorrow. He ate good but does not want to stay in the house. I am keeping him in anyway. He is going to have to adjust to the dog regardless even if it means I make him strictly an indoor cat. He stays in the yard during the day, but cats are nocturnal and tend to wander at night and that is where they get into trouble. Hopefully I can get this under control before we leave for Idaho on Sunday. My poor Tiger Kitty!!

Joan~How are things going with your mother? Is she still in the hospital? How are you doing?
Margeaux~How is your mother? How are you and hubby doing?
Cmag~any updates on your mother, your wife...how is the weight loss?
Glad~I hope you are well, let us know how things are going!
Sad1~any changes with your mom? How are you holding up?

I have been thinking about all of you. Hugs!!

Marylee~Sometimes we come to a point where we have to stop!! By the way, I am I hope you are recovering from your surgery, I know it takes time.My sister is hesitant to visit our mom for the same reasons you stated. Take care of yourself and come back to post more!! Hugs to you!

Alison~I am glad you found the mold issue and can get it corrected. Mold has be known to cause many health issues in a home. I hope the brother you are staying with is not the same one who berates you. Please take care of yourself and let us know how you are doing. Big hugs!!

to everyone out there...punch, and sharynmarie and bookluvr..and everyone..if i miss anyone..i've had brain surgery....i can't remember...i share your pain...you all share so beautifully...so honestly...and i think hypocrisy is lying...and at least ...someday...we all will face our judge...when i went to visit my father and he turned his back...i stopped going...to see him...i felt free...i tried to go back..he spewed the usual hate and venom...the same my siblings started to write to me...now ...i have put them where they all belong...blocked...i am no longer undercondemnation...i have tried my best; live a good life; taken care of my parents...and i give up...may you all find peace and comfort...and know love...with hugs marylee

Punch~I know the sorrow of a childhood filled with abuse, violence,etc. I think it is wonderful that you and your brother have maintained a great relationship. My eldest brother is estranged by his choice, so my sister, my other brother and I have no real contact with him. At most I send an email at Christmas time updating him on our mother (she is in memory care) who was the abuser.I am happy you are finding freedom within yourself now. Isn't strange how we grieve most of our adult life for love and acceptance from the person who gave birth to us? You have great courage and strength and may you continue to find peace, Hugs to you!!

Hi Punch, as I read your words, it brought back memories of my childhood, the caregiving role I did with mom and now doing for father, and mom’s death in March. My childhood was so bad that I have not much memories of it. I still though it was “normal”. The life I see in TV like Brady Bunch was a “I wish our family was like that.” But I knew it was fake. This is the normal life. At age 23, I did Not want to stay home and help father with mom. In the years since then, I’ve asked over and over for my siblings to help. I’ve cried, and cursed at everyone into the night air. I turned my back against God in that I stopped going to my religious meetings and praying to him. I called out to help (therapist told me to ask for their help even though I told him they won’t help. He insisted because I was past exhaustion and heading towards a breakdown.). I told them the situation – die killing myself from exhaustion or land in the hospital with worse health. Nothing happened. // When mom died in March, I felt that I was damaged goods or a bad daughter because I had no sadness within me. I was soooo relieved of her death. Yet to say it would make me look bad. So, I kept it all within me. My sister got angry when someone said that mom was a burden. She said that mom wasn’t a burden. Of COURSE mom wasn’t a burden. She wasn’t here 24hrs a day getting up during the nights to suction mom, to change her pampers 3 x a day, to suction her throughout the day. To come to lunch and try to change 2 bedridden parents pampers and not choke my lunch because I was swallowing it fast in gulps because my lunch hour is up. Where you can’t even stay too long in the bedroom or shower because she can choke on her phlegm. Of Course Mom was not a burden – for her!!!

Punch, I just wanted to say that you have more courage than I am to state this. I think it in my mind but I would not say it aloud. Kudos to you! {{HUGS}} Book

To Emjo and others who know me from other discussions--it has been less than 2 wks. since my mother from whom I am estranged died at 92. This has been a mixed bag of emotions but the one that surfaces most, even above the weird feeling of NOT having tears shed for someone who clearly did not fit the quintessential description of a nurturing mother, is that I have finally at the age of 65 gotten a sense of freedom. Freedom from thought, freedom from hurt feelings, freedom from anger, freedom from low esteem, and the list goes on and on. This weekend I had a good heart to heart chat with my dear husband whose family is probably one of the few who had zero dysfunction (they were the "Ozzie and Harriet" family on the block) and I asked him his feelings about me, his wife, not having any remorse or feelings of guilt or sadness and his answer surprised me a little. First he said he was proud of me for having the courage of my convictions because when we became 'formally' estranged more than a year ago, his only question was "how will you feel when/if she dies?" and secondly he commended me for not being a hypocrite. How can I miss something I've never had? I've grieved for years because the nagging memories of an extremely volatile and unhappy childhood caused by this woman are etched indelibly in my memory, grieved for the kind of upbringing that I didn't have and that I grew up thinking that I did not deserve. Brought up knowing that my conception was a "mistake" which was laughed off as a joke. Brought up not being able to socialize or have further education, and her never passing up a chance to embarrass me if the opportunity presented itself. I have a little movie running in my brain of the past 60 yrs. (yes, I can remember that far back) of my wedding day in the 60s, when we made our receiving line, assembled at the back of the church, when she saw a small window of opportunity to stand next to me and say 'well, hope you're happy, you got what you wanted' (she detested my first husband) and a photographer snapping a pic of that precise moment and the look on my face! I asked my husband how he felt about her death because he is such a loving, good man that I wondered what memories he had of her--and he reminded me of how shabbily she treated us when we were forced to temporarily move into her house (3 of us and a golden retriever!) because there was a rape in the unit beneath ours and despite how distraught and upset we were, she made us feel like we were intruders. No comfort, no coddling, just coldness and 'when can you all leave?' attitude. This, from a mother? I remember as a kid hearing friends' moms refer to them as "honey" or "sweetheart" and I used to think how great it would be to be called that occasionally. I was a good kid, never gave my parents a moment's trouble or stress. My older brother also estranged from her is the only person who lived it along with me, and we together to this day are as close as can be...but our mother did her level best to turn me against him and his wife. So, do I feel badly that a 92 yr. old woman who made life miserable for everyone with whom she came in contact died a death that most of us would envy? A life free of serious medical conditions, no stroke, no dementia or alzheimers and faculties intact-died after a few days of not feeling well, and a death in her sleep, without pain. She was a fortunate woman who lived an unfortunate life, in that she alienated and infuriated. I've let the lovely and dear friends and family that surround me that there is no need for sympathy, as my grieving can finally end. Having this board to allow me to vent my feelings is beyond wonderful. And as Ladee says above, be true to yourself - and when you know you went far above and beyond to do right for your parents and give perhaps even more than they deserve, hold your head up high and know that you tried your very best and, when they are gone, remember an adage I learned from someone many years ago and that is "guilt is a wasted emotion." How true! I can breathe.

Book, what a great idea to liken the grabbing to tag, without frightening the children.

Sharyn, I'm so glad that you will maintain your relationship with the son and not put any undue pressure on him to grow up.

Glad - at least your mom doesn't hurt them. That's good so that you can still take her on outings. My mom was violent. When baby sis came back home to visit, she had her 2 small girls (under age 6). Mom couldn't walk by herself. But once she grabbed you, it was a very tight grip. She grabbed one of the girls by the wrist as she passed mom. I could see mom squeezing so hard and my niece whimpered in pain. I had to literally open one finger at a time to release her hold. Afterwards, I had a talk with my little niece. I asked her if she remembered us playing tag? She nodded. Then I told her that we need to do that too with Grandma. Don't let Grandma grab you. After that, the girls would pass mom and automatically dodge away when mom's hand tried to grab them. They didn't even act scared or anything.

ABB, glad to see you. I missed seeing you. Thanks for letting us know what's up in your life.

I just wanted to take a minute and type up a post. I'm reading, and sending hugs and good thoughts. I've been displaced from my home (my father's house) due to a recently discovered mold problem. I'd been trying to get some help from my father's trust to get HVAC ducts cleaned out, the Trust ended up sending someone out to do air quality testing, and the mold problem was discovered by environmental testing company. It's Literally "off the charts." I looked through the 10-page report and the company's machines only do readings up to so many hundreds of spores/particles... what they found in the house literally capped their meters. It makes me wonder if that hasn't complicated my dad's respiratory issues (he has COPD and is a smoker), but right now, I'm just so glad they discovered this hidden problem. I know, in the 2 years I've lived there, I've been more ill than ever before, and I always chalked it up to things like stress, the climate change, the dust...

Anyhoo, so I'm dealing with being displaced until mold remediation work can be completed, and as of right now, no contractor has even been hired yet. This is going to take awhile. I'm using the time away from home to look for a senior's apartment in Indianapolis for my dad. I've got a couple of places picked out to look at tomorrow.

Just wanted you all to know I'm "lurking" (like emjo said, lol!), and reading, and sympathizing. Hope everyone has a good week!

Glad-Thank you. I think in my mom's mind she is younger. She told my son you have grown since I saw you.

I am sure the parents do not mind her touching the children all you can do is appoligize if it bothers the parents-most of the time parents are so proud of their little ones they do not mind.

Sharyn-
So happy you were able to spend time with your son and dil. I know exactly what they are going through, went through it myself. When you want a child, it is absolutely devastating to not be able to conceive. Thankfully, after two years of treatment I finally had my second daughter and a son 18 months later. But, I had shut down communication with many family members, it is easier than having to go through the conversations of not being pregnant again. Your dil may be going through the same thing. The only suggestion I have is that you have to let dil and son begin these conversations and definitely, most definitely, do not ask them about it. They will tell you whatever they are comfortable talking about.

It is great you all saw your mom! My mom as well, has no idea who her grandchildren are any longer, and doesn't remember, and of course doesn't recognize her great grandchildren even though they visit every 2-3 months. But mom has always loved little kids and loves their visits. On a lighter note, I'm waiting for the day that a parent in a store calls the authorities on my mom because she loves to touch any child she sees. I of course try to stop her from doing it, sometimes with more success than others.

It's okay. I found the right phrase to Google: self help - inner child within.

I'm trying to do one of my assignments from therapy. I'm a literal person. I cannot visualize a picture in my head and See it. I have Googled that phrase but keep getting infants inside the womb. I am to: Baby the child within.

How does one baby a child within? What child? Am I suppose to think of my childhood and comfort my terrorized 4 year old self? Or the elementary memory of asking God why He made me be born? Or does this phrase mean something totally different?

Sharynmarie it's seems you are on the right track. Best of luck to you, Jared and Kecia...

Thank you all for all the hugs and words of support. I have had some time to get my perspective back to a logical view instead of running on emotions. Yes, I am disappointed with my son not communication to me forthright about their plans. It tends to be more hurtful that way than if he would just say "Hey, we are taking the long way there so we can stop at a friends home in Salinas to visit, have dinner and we will arrive late." I can handle that, it is disappointing but not hurtful. They did arrive after 11pm, we talked for maybe 10 minutes and they wanted to go to bed. I went to the kitchen and my son came out shortly after. We talked some more when he said, I have something to tell you but I will wait until tomorrow. I said, Ok, but now that you brought it up, it is hard to wait until tomorrow but I respect that. He said, Well, I should just tell you, but don't tell anyone else, I will tell others when I am more up to it. He said that they have been trying to get pregnant for 3 years with no luck. So dil went to a specialist. She has been told that the chances of her conceiving a child is very slim. Apparently her ovaries are not producing often enough due to a hormonal imbalance regarding progesterone. This imbalance is what has caused her to become rather obese. My dil told me on Friday that her mother and maternal grandmother had the same issue and were told they would most likely never conceive a child. My son seems to be genuinely grieved over this, my dil seems to blow it off (she is not my daughter so keeps her inner feeling to herself), but she remains hopeful. To be honest, we knew this was a possibility from the beginning because my dil told me a few years ago that she does not ovulate regularly and many months can go by without ovulating. I had hoped that if she lost weight that may change, but according to what she has been told by the specialist...No. Anyway, it is what it is and I am ok with it...sorry for them but hopeful it may happen anyway just like it did for her mother and grandmother. After talking with my son and dil, I realized they had no clue that their lack of communication is hurtful. Because I had time to collect my emotions, doing some reflection on past incidents that were similar, I decided that the best course of action is to keep communication open with my son ( realizing how he communicates) and work on improving that. I decided this based on my experience with my own mil who also had communication issues with my husband. My mil chose to target me, make me responsible for it claiming her son was not like that before....heavy load for a young woman to carry!! Instead, I have decided that I will work to improve my communication with my son asking for more info, not target my dil because I don't want to destroy any chance of a relationship with her like my mil did with me. I am still disappointed that I did not get the time with them that I would have liked, but we did get to have lunch together yesterday, go by mom's house so my son could sort out tools to make a tool box out of my dads tools. Today we went to see mom!!! Mom was in her room, I knocked on the door opening it slowly peeking in, Hi mom!! She saw me saying what are doing here? I said I came to visit and I have a couple visitors with me. I opened the door all the way, she did not know who my son was until I said, "This is your grandson Jared, you remember Jared! Instant recognition for her. I said this is Jared's wife Kecia, you remember Kecia. She hugged them both saying it has been a long time since I saw you both. All was good, but was bittersweet because I could see on my son's face that he could not believe the change in mom since he last saw her during Christmas of 2011. i have been weeping on and off all day since. We stayed about an hour, I got a list of needed supplies. I introduced my son and dil to a couple of the caregivers and Leo, the resident dog!!! We took mom out for a short walk around the community. It was a nice visit overall!! My dil was wearing a royal blue shirt which is the color of shirt for employees to wear and at one point mom asked her if she worked there, LOL!! Thanks again everyone, I really appreciate your support, kind words!! Hugs to everyone!!

Brandy~I would not let my sister intimidate me by telling me not to speak to certain people. You already know it's wrong just by asking what we think about, so trust your inner gut and go to the wedding and enjoy talking to who ever you please. Your sister most probably will not confront you at the wedding/reception but may follow up with a phone call after....you don't have to answer the phone, let her leave a message then delete it.
Glad~I am sorry to hear your mother had a mini stroke but I am glad that she has received antibiotics for the UTI and other infection. Take care of yourself too.
Joan~I understand and support your decision not to share info regarding your mom's finances. My sis offered to sent my copies of statements and I told her it wasn't necessary that I trust you. I do admit that in the beginning of the year I had some doubts because of the situation with mom's insurance, but I was not understanding it completely. I am over that, I don't want to deal with mom's financials. I know I would be even more overwhelmed than sis has been. If a sibling wants to pick things apart they will find something even if you are sending copies of the statements. I just file the statements away my sis sends, I don't even look at them. To be honest, if I did look at them, then I could start questioning this or that and since sis is better at this than me, I will stick with doing what I am better at doing than she.

Emjo, yeah, it would be best not to reveal too much on your mom’s financial situation. ….// Sorry that I shared so much here. I didn’t know if my post fell under Caregiver how are YOU? or if it fell under the Dysfunction Family. I swear I’m not OCD but sometimes, I think I over compartmentalize my life. I finally figured it fell under DYS. And it was sheer exhaustion continually fighting therapy, myself and the assignments. I was sooo unhappy and getting mad left and right.

Therapy was sooooo frustrating for me. Hence my decision to quit and wing it on my own. I finally sent several emails to my therapist who did not read it at all until the day of therapy when I called to say that I’m not coming and if she read my emails. She read it and then called me up. She was soooo happy that I was angry all the time. She wanted to meet me that day. Seems she was afraid that I will be stuffing the anger back in. She was right. We discussed a lot of things and I am now Adding more details in our conversations. She, too, is learning that when I said that I’m a perfectionist, that I really mean it. We finally figured out why her assignments were stressing me so much. I was trying to do everything like THAT (snap of a finger) and to do it perfectly. Anyway, after our talk, she has decided that we will start small. And I need to do it in my pace and to let her know if I have a problem with these exercises.

I am just sooooo glad that I emailed her those letters. She told me that she got a wealth of information on my emails and how I progressively added to each email. She now has an idea of how I think. That emailing was our breakthrough in our therapy sessions. She now knows how to question me to get the answers she needs.

I just wanted to thank you all for helping me…just for be being here for me. Because I came out of this last session NOT stressing and dreading the Next therapy session – I think we’re heading in the right direction. She said that confronting people is too far off for me right now. We will work on me – like I had stated on my previous post here. Thank you, all of you. {{HUGS}} Book

Margeaux, if your neighbor does decide to travel by air, please recommend that she visits her doctor that it’s okay for her. Have her ask the doctor specifically about Deep Vein Thrombosis. When I had my hysterectomy in Hawaii, and 10 days later, I flew back home, I had this severe pain run from my pelvis down to both my legs. Throughout the whole flight, my legs were in severe pain. Any surgery dealing with lower abdominal and down are very good candidates of DVT. She may need to get compression socks for her if she does decide to fly.

Brandy – if seeing your mom is close to impossible, then why don’t you just make it a routine to call your mom weekly? Set it as a schedule so that she knows you will be calling and is something to look forward to? My father used to like calling all his siblings on the phone. Yes, he preferred that they visit him but like my siblings, HIS siblings also avoid him. =) … I would go to the wedding and just enjoy myself. If people talk to you, then respond. I’d also not sit where my sister is sitting. I’d hate to be in the same table with her and have her keep monitoring all my actions. You would definitely not enjoy yourself at all…especially when she keeps giving you “the eye”.

Sharynmarie,

I'm really happy to hear you were able to have lunch with your son.
Hope it went smoothly for you.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Brandywine,

Your sister is too much! I totally agree w/Gladimhere.
Go and enjoy the wedding, and talk to any one you want to,
don't go with the attitude that she's the police.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Hi Margeaux,

My wife is still recovering from her hernia surgery with about 3 more weeks eating rather soft food, except she can now eat broiled fish and boiled chicken.

I'm working on loosing some much needed weight by diet and exercise which now includes weight lifting.

Take care.

Gladimhere,

I'm very sorry to hear about this mini stroke your mom had.
I know when mother was having a UTI, before they discovered she was having gall bladder problems, she was really sleeping way too much. My guess is that any time the body has to direct it's energy towards healing an infection, especially for an elder it wipes the body out, hence the sleeping.

Even in my husband's case, poor guy....while he had the catheter in for about 10 days, I know his body was on high alert because he had this instrument placed in him. After it was removed, he started to feel a bit more of the discomfort from the surgery, and felt exhausted. He's impatient, so that didn't help. When he'd tell me he was tired, I just kept telling him to sleep.

O.K., Glad...take care of yourself, I'll re-read some of the other things you've posted about the siblings.
You and yours are in my thoughts!
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Cmagnum,

I am sorry to hear about your mom's current condition.
You are not at all being morbid.

How has your wife been recovering from her hernia surgery, I hope well.
Hang in there Cmag, and you and your's are in my thoughts!

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

I want to thank everyone for the hugs here on this thread and on my private wall. My son and dil finally showed up after 11 pm last night. O needed to calm myself down before responding. I will share more tomorrow when I can access my computer. We did have lunch today bit didn't get to visit mom because my son had one of his migrane type headaches(usually brought one because he hasn't eaten 3 meals) and only going to sleep gets rid of it. There is something my son is carrying on his shoulders that I can see by his face when he talks about that he is hurting....more tomorrow and I will catch up. Thanks again and hus to everyone.