The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Some people have all the nerve. What is the matter with people nowadays?

and she only lives about 8 miles from the hospital-

everyone thanks for question about my mom. She was diagnosed at doc's office on Wednesday with a UTI and possible upper respiratory track infection. Went to get script, then got home ready to fox dinner, and mom hit the wall again, badly garbled speech, couldn't walk. I decided it must be a stroke, but no, doc said maybe a mini stroke. Called 911, she was in hospital for two days. Scary stuff. The most amazing thing POA sis didn't come to hospital at all to see mom. Astounding! And she thinks she is operating in my moms best interest?! Other sis stopped by for 30 minutes or so. And they both have this incredible sense of entitlement.

Brandy, I think that is one heck of a lot of nerve! And I would not start a confrontation with sis about it, but I would make sure I spoke to anyone I care to. They may start a conversation with you, sis would be wacky to expect you to walk away. Go,have a good time and talk to anyone you want! Absurd!

As you all know by now, I am in a dys family. My niece is getting married soon. My sister informed me that I am not to speak to my niece's in-laws at the wedding or the reception. I am to leave them completely alone and act as if I just a guest. They are coming from Houston and reportedly quite wealthy so I am to steer clear of them. What would you say if she said this to you? I just said oh, being the patsy that I am. Just wondering what most people would say. Don't know if my mother will get to come to the wedding, probably not. Just asking your opinion.

Emjo - glad to see you posting again - you hit that noggin pretty hard! Plus the sinuses....glad your back. I meant to say about sharing financial info with others if you are the POA - I would not - I am the POA and have no intention of telling my brother anything - he for one has not asked - and 2nd - if he knew how much she had - he (and his piece of work wife) would hound me. Don't need it. That is why you are the POA - to be in charge...

Sharynmarie- so sorry to hear you son made this choice....I too agree a letter and a calmer time to let him know how much he has hurt you would be in order - especially if this is recurring. I have cut my daughter some slack - maybe a mistake - because she is going through a messy divorce - and have in the past when we are together - I do tell her how I feel about some of her treatment towards me. There was a time when I saw her number show up when she called - I just picked it up and said "What is it you need?" She got the message. The unfortunate thing with her- she gets so self absorbed that she forgets easily...her brothers bad vib her all the time - then she gets it...and is good for a short time. Maybe a bit of narcissism in here too....she does have a lot of my mothers traits. Make some nice plans this weekend with friends - or do some shopping therapy - or get a massage or pedi - and if he does call - you have plans. Sometimes I think we are just too available.

Hugs to all -

Karen

Emjo,

When I wrote about absentee children, well I'm included here also.
I understand. I was really talking of a more serious variety. It's the one where a loved one is ill, or has gone through a surgery like my neighbor did. Since it had to do w/her legs, and she had two venous procedures done, it really compromised her ability to walk. Healing has been really slow. Her daughter not so much as called her during the crux of it all. I and another friend helped her out. This to me is more like willful negligence. Finally, the daughter made a re-appearance, I think it was for mother's day. I kind of felt like that meeting happened, since her mom egged the daughter on, so they'd celebrate mom's day together. The daughter never goes out of her way.

Her daughter is o.k. financially speaking. But at this time, I doubt my neighbor really has this kind of money, so this would be a stretch for her. I'd heard about, and witnessed top much on the negative side by her daughter's behavior, so I don't understand why her mother would want to take her, I mean I get the part not traveling solo. Hey, that's my neighbor's business. Of course, I never say anything, e.g., my true feelings about any of this.

Her son too, he lives in NY. Hardly ever calls or emails her, even throughout all of the convalescence. Yet, he and his family were in town during the holidays, but instead of staying at his mom's place (she offered, too) his family rented a hotel. His visit was really more about gathering with his friends, didn't spend a lot of time w/the mom. But, she has a storage and has stored a Fender guitar, for over 20 yrs., for this 46 yr. old son. He wanted to take it back w/him to NY, and oh boy, did he throw a little hissy fit, when his mom couldn't find it amidst her stuff in the storage. Instead of his mother ignoring the hissy fit, she fed into it.
This is where I think sometimes parents have the option of getting real w/their grown adult children. But I understand the other side, many times they don't want to take a strong stand, because they probably fear they'll completely be isolated from them, or they rarely see them, now this. It's all part of the emotional detachment. Let's remember those golden words, and concepts.

O.K., Emjo, hope your on your way back to feeling much better!
Much Love & LIght! Margeaux

ooops -juju -meant to ask how you and mum are. You have been going through quite an ordeal. I hope the insurance is stepping up to the plate, and that you have plans for returning home soon. ((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))

(((((((((((((sharyn))))))))) I am so sorry. Your son had made some bad choices. My oldest did something like that to me years ago and I felt like disowning him. Fortunately we got past it and are good now. I agree with assandache - let him know how you feel about his behaviour, You have reached out to him again and again. There comes a time...
Hope you get the house stuff sorted. Here it is the same. They won't insure if it is empty for long, I appreciate what you wrote about being POA. It should be an offense to not use the money for the individual's care.I looked it up here online and found out it is not that easy to drop POA. Ouch!
(((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))
brandy - please let the guilt go. You have so much to cope with, and have to look after you. Glad you have had no snotty emails recently. When my sis does that I let her know in no uncertain terms that what she has written is unacceptable and then I cut communication with her for a while -a long while. It is called "self protection". You can only do what you can do.
Margeaux - glad you and hubby are pretty well recovered. I have decided not to share financial info other than in general. I can see nothing in POA documents that requires it. It was my friends hubby - he died before age 60 from esophageal cancer. Nothing they tried to do to help him worked and several things backfired and caused him problems. He was very young and lived only about 2 years after diagnosis, but said he could not carry on as he was. You mentioned absentee children, Well, from another point of view, I could be considered one of those, as I do not see my mother that much, due to her mental illness. It is just too hard on me. I wonder if your friend's daughter/son has any similar issues. To me, if the mother can afford travel expenses she should pay them, if not family should chip in -just my opinion. My mother is very well set up financially, yet still asked us for money to pay for this and that - just in case. For now she seems to have stopped that. Is your friends daughter much better off financially than her mother? My mother gives a "sob story" about family to anyone who will listen, but only gives her side of it. She also states that I am financially better off than both her and my sis. I am not so sure that is true or where she got her information from. Something to think about.
sad1 - I wouldn't give out to a daughter who behaves like that. I do get phone calls/messages from my sons for special days and my daughter gives me a modest gift which is fine with me. I really don't need any more "stuff". We can't let our mum's antics drive our emotions and our lives. That being said -it isn't easy.
glad -how's your mum? Is the treatment helping? I think you might have a case if you can prove that your POA sis is not using mum's finds for her welfare to the extent that she needs. Especially if there are things your mother needs and is not getting. You would have to document this before contacting a lawyer to see if you have a case. You may find someone who has done this by searching on the internet.
cmag -it sure looks like your mum is declining. I wouldn't worry too much about explaining things to your step dad. His son can take that on. Glad your wife is recovering. The case of sharyn's aunt on a feeding tube for years is a bit scary. I would not want that for a loved one.
book ((((((((hugs))))))) wow you shared a lot. I remember some of those feelings, They can be worked through though the process can be scary at times. Baby steps are a good idea. You have had a lot and you still do have a lot to deal with. You are a very strong woman ((((((((hugs))))))
jackyorrick - come back and vent any time. Sounds like you have quit a difficult situation. Glad you are sticking up for yourself.
standingalone -what a sad situation your ex bf keeps himself in. I do understand that it was depressing and that you cut off the "Woe is me" and the living together - not good for you. Life is hard enough anyway.
pstiegman - parents may act differently with others than with their own children. It sounds like you have sent her some firm messages and set some boundaries. Unfortunately that may be harder for her offspring due to the "training" they received as children, but they can learn to.
Austin - always glad to see you sharing your experiences
Alison - how are things going? It is a continual balancing act, I find.
anyone else - hi and let us know how you are.
here things are reasonably quiet, other than mother called to see it I had written a couple of small cheques. I assured her not, in fact I don't have any cheques, and that I would check it out at the bank. Meanwhile she went to the bank and found out that she had written them for her grocery shopper, which is what I suspected. I am still tired and needing to sleep most days in the daytime as well as night and think that is due in part to the concussion and in part due to sinus problems/infection I have had all August and into September. Looks like I am finally getting that sorted. Hopefully more energy will return.

Love and hugs to everyone Joan

Sharynmarie As one friend to another " that little shit", I know exactly how you are feeling now and you need a hug! As much as I would want to blame his wife, I know he's a grown man.

I would take time to calm down then I would write him a letter telling him how hurt you are. That way you can express yourself without getting all your emotions jumbled up.
Hugs....

Well, my bubble has been burst once again and I know I said I was over it..but I didn't except my son to not show up at all. Yes thats right, they are in Salinas most likely for the night and I don't plan on making myself available to him at all if he does show up. All he told me was that he was driving 101 instead of I-5 and just taking the scenic route. I will not text him again and possibly forever...because one thing my son does not know about me...when I get hurt bad enough...I cut you out of my life to protect myself from further hurt. I hope he is happy and I wish them the best.

Tonight I am feeling really guilty for not going to see my Mom in the NH which is so far away. My dh also has MCI and is acting up lately. I am still going to the physical therapist for the pain. She is helping quite a bit. I have lots of home exercises to do. Still unable to work anymore. Had a wonderful job, actually a dream job but had to leave it b/c of the pain and disablement. Monday going to the psychiatrist b/c of depression and insomnia. Pray that she can help me. Don't know when I will get to see Mom. POA hasn't said anything snotty lately, PTL. Its something to write in the gratitude journal, no snotty emails. Called Mom on Monday and she was almost out of it. We have perfectly good NHs here but POA had to put her 150 miles away. The roads are bad to get there and narrow roads, but lots of traffic. Meanwhile I am still in pain and husband's disease is progressing.

Sharynmarie - gotcha - sounds like you have a good agent - and they don't usually charge for this extra stuff - just have the connections that are good. Bummer about the insurance company forcing your hand in this...maybe just say you have a renter in there if you aren't ready to sell. So many homes are bank owned and empty - the insurance co get stuck with vandalism costs - must be cracking down on it. Must be hard to have to do a lot of the work and not have much say so...

good thing you didn't co-sign! hopefully he and his wife will come around - but good that you are guarded. still hurts tho...

Sad1~I agree with what you say about the estate sale,etc, but sis doesn't want to have the estate sale due to her health issues. I think we will bring in more money for mom by having the estate sale as opposed to letting the agent set us up with someone who will buy everything we don't want. Maybe not. I am sure sis told the insurance out of naive innocence. I honestly would not have thought that the house being vacant would be an issue for the insurance. The agent said we will have no problem selling because it is in excellent condition, move in ready, the front and back yards are immaculate and beautiful...no garage...my parents converted it to a family room years ago and the neighborhood is good. Part of the garage was left for storage with built in cabinets, room for the washer/dryer a sink and a freezer. There is a walk in tool shed in the backyard. It is sis's call since she is primary on the DPOA and while I would like to have the estate sale, she can't help and I would need others to help with supervising people coming in the house so that nothing is stolen. Well gotta go lots to do!!

Oh yes, "tough love", that is why we didn't co-sign a car loan for him nor have we given him any money since, however, he does still hurt us with his lack of contact. I was over it 2 days ago and I am ready to have an enjoyable, even if somewhat guarded visit with them.

It is a beautiful day out today, cool with the hint of autumn in the air, I love it!!

Sharynmarie - that is pretty insensitive about not even a card....I know - as my birthday rolled around and I didn't even get one from my daughter - yet when hers comes around she asks for a $300 gift! Really?
Not sure what is going on with her - they consider her at asst living having dementia as she had a frontal lobe stroke (aphasic etc) so maybe....hard to know - some things are clear as can be.
How did the homeowners find out the home was vacant?? Can you rent it out to a student or a relative? Are you in the same town? If not - you can say you stay there when you are caring for your mother. I am a realtor - and a good realtor should be able to hook you up with some different agencies to dispose of your mothers things. You would start with getting rid of the personal items - and items that family may want to have - then an estate sale - I wouldn't go with Craigslist unless there are some larger items that you want to sell. But you can put in Craigslist that there is an estate sale. After that point there are some agencies that will come take anything that can be sold (Goodwill etc). After they take what they can sell - then you can get a "got junk" haul away. It just takes some organization and time. If you do an estate sale - let your neighbors know when and maybe they can have one too - people like to go where there are a few homes that have them - just park and shop! Hope that helps....

I must say that after having read some posts about kid's who only seem to pay attention to their parents, when in a crisis mode, "what is wrong with that picture."
I've witnessed my own neighbor who gets majorly ignored by her two children.
One lives closeby and even works in our town where we live, the other in another state. Her daughter lives here. When my neighbor had her venous leg procedures done this year, she hardly got even a call from her. If it were not for myself, and another friend, I don't know who would have tended to my neighbor when she needed the assistance. In essence I feel that her two children are completely unconcerned about their mom.

But the son is having a big celebration for his 13 yr. old this Oct.
My neighbor's ability to walk has become quite compromised since her operation.
She's feeling vulnerable, would like to fly to their state for the celebration, however in her condition she has recently realized she won't be able to do this trip alone. If she flys there, her son and DIL, don't accommodate her in their home, she'd have to rent a hotel. I can't believe this! You'd think if they want grandma to attend this, they'd make it easy for her. So now, I'm hearing my neighbor say that she's going to talk to her daughter about going, but then get this! If the daughter would go, her mother would have to pay for her flight and hotel. I honestly don't understand this kind of thinking. All I can say is maybe that some TOUGH LOVE
is in order for many.

I'm keeping all of you in my thoughts,
Much Love & LIght! Margeaux

Emjo,

I am not sure about the law and being required to send siblings bank statements.
In our family, first "golden boy," was the POA, and had access to all of mother's and the battle axes, (aunt's) accounts. Unfortunately, he did stick his greedy hands in there and as a result some very questionable manuevers surfaced to the rest of the siblings later. But later, his POA was revoked and my sister has had it since. Never have I asked my sister about any thing regarding bank accounts.
I may have other issues with her, but I trust enough and she does take care of lot's of business, quite the responsible, "do it," person.

But I know in your case, that your sister seems to stir it up. Well, at least if you have the copies of the statements filed away, you can always refer to them.
In terms of a strategy with your sister though, do you think that it would be wise to pay attention to her?

My husband and me are doing well, thank you. We got through the hurdle.
But now that some of this is behind us, I have to say that it was trying.
If you can imagine, it's been just about a month since his surgery, but he barely saw the surgeon yesterday for a follow up. I thought that was kind of a long wait for a post-op follow up. Good news, is that he's o.k., on the doctor's end.
But he was told by another person who had a hernia, about still being very careful when it comes to lifting heavy objects, because it is still healing. My husband says that he does feel a tug and pull every now and again, in that area where he had the hernia. Other than that, I've been really making our own green drinks.
They are really delicious and quite easy to make. They've lots of minerals and enzymes, so that I help keep our bodies regular.

What you wrote, regarding your friend's ill, was it her father....anyway, I completely agree with you that there must come a moment in which family's or people close to someone who is ill, must decide what is really beneficial in terms of age, possible unnecessary treatment, etc. I know in dad's case who was suffering from cancer had already been through surgery, and several rounds of chemo. Later, when the doctor's claimed he needed yet another surgery in order to place a chemo therapy device, in order for the treatment to go directly to the location vs. he receiving it throughout the entire body, I had lot's of questions as to whether this was necessary anymore. But of course, my mom (prior ALZ), was the ultimate decider/convincer where any and all decisions were concerned. My sister also, appeared to have no issue that yet another surgery.I felt it was being shoved in dad's face. I was livid. Well guess what? He went through it. But the pump couldn't be placed for some reason. When the doc came out of the operating room..he told us he'd removed dad's gall bladder, because it had cancer. I know, that this came as a shock to mother, who in those days thought in her brain..just because she and dad had medical insurance that the doctors could perform miracles. I was so angry that my mother could be so willful, and take poor dad through yet another surgery. Also thought it quite weird,
this doctor telling us about the gb, too. In any case, this is when family's have to be very careful about a loved one's health decisions, and really advocate for this person. Sometimes, too we must face the realities of it all, instead of continuing to take our elders through some very dangerous and often futile procedures.

When I say this also, I am in no way trying to minimize the difficulty for anyone who has made, or is faced with making these decisions.

How is your head feeling these days?
I hope you are better.

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Gladimhere~Refusal to use a parents money for their care is neglect of the elder.If the POA was written by an elder law attorney, I would document everything outlining the refusal of the person who has POA, emails,etc. take it to the attorney. It may require you going to court to get a conservatorship/guardianship over your mother. An elder law attorney can advise you what steps to take.I am glad you went to the dr., if it is a UTI then it probably has been caught early so she doesn't have to be admitted to the hospital. Hopefully the antibiotics will clear up any infections she has going on.

Sad1~That sounds like my son...We only hear from him when he is in crisis mode, needs money. Yet they are participating in a church situation where they do not celebrate birthdays, Christmas,etc (which is fine) except we don't even get a thinking of you card from them throughout the year. Sounds like they only think about us when they need something. Does your mother have early stage dementia?

Found out today the mom's home owner's is going to cancel the policy because the house is vacant unless we pay $2,000 a year!!!! Waiting to hear more from my sis on other options. We were waiting to sell the house next spring so the prices would come up more after the recession since the real estate market is slowly recovering here in CA.The policy will be cancelled on 10/9 which does not give us a lot of time to clear out mom's house, sell what we don't want and put the house up for sale. I wish my sister was willing to do the estate sale as a result of not doing it, we will probably have to take some losses on mom's behalf by having the real estate agent arrange for some one to buy what we don't want. I hate to put it in storage because chances of us selling it later are slim and I really don't want to use mom's money for storage rent. Any suggestions would be appreciated on this issue. I guess I could store furniture in my garage and try to sell it on Craigslist????

So more dentist drama - now my mother wants to go back to the dentist and insists it should be done yesterday. She has also bullied the care facility to give her all of the $200 that she insists she needs - and called her friend and said I was coming down tomorrow to spend 3 weeks...good grief. yet when I am there with her - she seems like she has things together. Except when I asked her about the Christmas lights on the tree outside her room - she didn't know what I was talking about. does this all sound fairly normal in our world?

Sharynmarie - my daughter is the same way - she makes plans - and really - only contacts me when she wants something - or needs me to watch the kids. Very selfish too...my son's are not so much - I am just not sure what happened with her! Very frustrating. she is the only one that lives closest to my mother - who has in her warped way - helped my daughter quite a bit financially - seems that is the only thing she can give...and my daughter just takes, takes and takes. She will not go see her at all - even thought she knows it would take the burden off me a little. And she isn't young! she knows better.

Sharyn, I misunderstood the 2x a day part. Thank you for your thoughts. It is one of those things that could be understood two different ways.

One of my biggest gripes is POA's can be taken away if someone refuses to act which is taken to mean the POA does not want to do it. Because of an impossible situation and sibs continuous refusal to spend mom's money for mom because of the impact on inheritance, I also look at that as refusal to act in mom's best interest. But it is a different type of refusal. Wonder if anyone has ever fought something like that in the courts.

Got back from the doc awhile ago. They started an antibiotic, think she may have an upper respiratory infection, she has been coughing alot. They did not want to expose her to radiation and thought the lungs sounded clear. Also checking for a UTI, which is what I bet it is. This will be her fourth since May, if I am right.

Glad~What I mean is that maybe taking the XR Namenda @ 28 mg once a day does not agree with your mother where the regular Namenda @ 10 mg 2 x's a day does agree with her. Just a thought...

She is only taking it once a day.

Glad~Let us know about your mother...I don't know what could cause her to suddenly become so exhausted, unless it is the increase in Namenda. Maybe the XR does not suit her system as well as taking it 2 x's a day.

Has anyone had experience with sudden onset of exhaustion? I mean complete and utter fatigue. Bedtime is normally about 6:30, then up and down for 2-3 hours. But the last couple of days, mom has been completely exhausted to the point of lethargy by 5:00. She actually started to fall asleep while I was trying to do her exercises with her last night. When she gets this tired, she has a hard time walking, talking and couldn't even slide across the bed to her pillow last night.

I am going to take her to the doc today to check for another UTI. But, I wonder if it may be meds. A couple of weeks ago we changed the 10 mg Namenda twice a day to Namenda XR 28 mg, once a day. And I'm also wondering if the 75 mg of Seroquel may be effecting her more now, for whatever reason. She has been on the 75 mg once a day for a couple of months now.

This has just come on so suddenly, I'm not at all sure what could be causing it.

Thanks, Book.

Austin, I'm ok with her wishes. I am not sure how my step-dad will react to the wishes stated in her living will which he knows about, but I'm not sure he understands. It is getting harder and harder to explain things to him as his mind declines.

Cmag are you allright with her wishes of no feeding tube being inserted?

Cmag, I'm not saying that this is what your mom is going through, but she reminds me of mom on the sleeping part. For years, mom would sleep most of the day, and then be awake in the evening and all night. Being vegatitve state, she would just lie in bed with her eyes wide open - all night. Then sleep in the daytime. I KNEW when she started sleeping at nights that it was almost time. But there was a part of me that thought if I don't feed her that I was starving her to death. It didn't help that her muscles in the legs shrank and her skin was tight against her legs, moving upward. And her shoulders and stomach were sinking in. I thought she was starving and kept giving her nutrition drink thru the feeding tube. Only afterwards, like recently, I've found out that my continuing to feed her could have been hurting her. Her body was shutting down, and here I was forcing food thru her stomach. If she did not have the feeding tube, there would have been no way to feed her by mouth cuz she was sleeping all the time - day and nights.

I guess just be there for her. Even if her eyes are closed, she might still be awake ...just too tired to open her eyes. Their hearing is the last to go. So sorry. {{HUGS}} to you, Cmag....