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Will it ever be over?
(5)
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TG, sorry to hear about the loss of your Dear BIL. I hope you and your wife can find solace in that he didn't suffer so in the end, and that he is now in peace. Take Care!

Glad, hmmm, T2 wants to personally hand you a check and some of your Mom's jewelry? That sounds weird! If she doesn't believe that you actually now live in This town, or in your Brand New Home, just ask her to send the Return Receipt, that way she will be assured that the items were actually picked up at your residence, lol!

My guess is that she's just being nosey, and is trying to work her way back into your life, Beeee Careful, and Maybe meet her at the RL? Do you think that she has more things to give to you over and about these couple of things? At any rate, you do what is comfortable for you! Glad that it is finally over, or is it.....
(3)
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TG, I am sorry for the loss of your BIL, especially for your wife. Now maybe your life will be a bit simplified anyway.

Ok, what the heck! E-mail from attorney settling the estate thanking for sending the documents. Instead of sending check and two pieces of jewelry by FedEx, ts2 wants to deliver?! Or I can pickup in the attorney's office; nope that is not going to happen.

But, why deliver, this makes me angry! And a bit depressed. Gloat? Maybe charge the trust for three hours? Doesn't believe I have a new home? Doesn't believe I am living in this town? I do not get it. I am not sure what I am feeling, maybe the impending closure of it all that I have had to carry for EIGHT years? I just do not know the answer at all. Maybe ts2 will bring the peace pipe? She better not think of bringing ts1! Not at all sure what to think.

Ts2 and I had quite a nice lunch the day mom passed, did not talk about anything, really, that I remember anyway. It was at one of L's favorite spots, Red Lobster.

Floundering......
(3)
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Exsister, would another option be to counsel your mother against moving closer to people she is afraid of?

Unless you can say, hand on heart, that you agree that her moving nearer them would be in her best interests, I'd have thought you owe it to her to fight her corner on this one. Are there any pressing reasons for the move other than one comparatively pleasant visit?

And then, you may feel you're up against the entire family but there are other allies, perhaps, who have been more closely involved in your mother's care in recent years. Doctors and other health professionals might well have something to say about her plans, and radical change tends not to be a good idea.
(4)
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I'm sorry for your and your wife's loss, TG.
(3)
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My BIL passed away yesterday. Been a long 9 years. He had a stroke 9 years ago and has been in a NH since. The NH has been awesome the entire time given he had no insurance or assets. Suffice to say lots of paperwork over the years.
The last 2 months has been tough for him. Hospitalized for breathing issues and sepsis. The hospital wanted to place him in hospice. In much discussion with the NH they and we decided to not place him in hospice (same bed), he started to come back and respond to treatment. As of last week he had been getting somewhat better and was able to talk a little bit.
Sunday early AM the nurse checked on him, he was OK and the next check 2 hours later he passed.
Being 1800 miles away is a bit of a challenge to manage everything. I was advised to find a FH with no recommendations. So I went on line to find one. We knew he would be cremated. A FH Director friend offered some advice prior to my call. I looked up a direct cremation service in the local area and called them. In less than 2 hours we were able to have him picked up and and for the lack of a better term "processed". We had everything done via email and paid for and his cremains will be shipped to our home so we can then bury him in another state with his parents. He had no assets, no insurance so we are paying for it out of the little savings he did have that we put away when he had his stroke. The company offered a $695 package, which to me sounded crazy being that up north it cost $1300 10 years ago for just cremation. The NH uses this company all the time I found out. Not to sound crass but this was unbelievable. There are cheaper companies. They will also ship him to our home via USPS for a $125. fee (USPS is the only way you can ship cremains).
We thought we would have to use a FH here or fly across the country at a huge expense. The company was very professional and made it easier for my wife. Doing all this makes me and my wife have conversations on having better directives for us, we have will, living wills etc and I have lots of instructions on business plans but just what about final arrangements.
So Its been a long road, I have a file drawer that I can now put into a storage box. Not making weekly calls to the NH anymore is kind of sad as much as it was work to get things done. This was my wife's final family member so it is sad for her. She did not have a close relationship with him growing up and she has challenging memories of him so it is sad on many levels. We will bury him with the rest of the family in the spring so she can process all of the emotions which will come up. One thing about my wife with all of this she is pretty tough on the outside, inside there is a lot going on. I have to do an obit but really there is no one to notify except one friends daughter who just happened to reach out to us a couple weeks ago and I let him know about it. I guess an online obit? No one to read it in his area except the town he lived in for 30 years. Do I just do a posting about him? Anyway.
(7)
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Glad, I sure hope this closes everything with your moms estate. You can finally put the twisted 2’s out of your life.

Duck, happy to hear your surgery is over and your are recovering nicely.

Stacey, I hope your dental issues are resolved quickly. Take care and thinking of you.
(4)
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NoTryDoYoda, thanks, you are right. It is giving me some comfort to know that I am not being paranoid. I keep doubting myself.
(3)
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BarbBrooklyn, thanks for your thoughtful response and questions. Without going into too many details here (I am aware that my sisters might come read this), my father left everything to my mother in a handwritten will but it was invalid because he had no witness sign it. He did this at least twice (my mum found the wills after he died). He told us years before he died that everything was to go to mum snd to me after her if I looked after her, because he did not trust my sisters. I refused to accept my inheritance because I believed it was impossible to honour a promise to protect my mum as I knew my sisters would step in as soon as my father died. Also I wanted him to stop talking about death and try to stay alive. When he died the will was invalid because it had no witness signature so my sisters got a cut each. I was given a cut but refused it. I refused it again yesterday when my mum tried to get me to take it. I think the family would bd more comfortable if I lowered my moral standards so they could stop feeling guilty. I want to keep the option to walk away with my dignity.
(3)
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Today I stepped down the painkiller Hydromorphone to Oxycodone. I was splitting the hydro pills, did the same, splitting the Oxy today. Definitely not as much pain relief, but adding Tylenol 3 hours after the heavy stuff, so there’s always something in my system when one wears off. Surgeon also has me on Celebrex. I don’t want to take the opioid painkillers longer than necessary, goal is to wean to Celebrex and Tylenol, as my body will allow. Current meds cocktail isn’t dropping heart rate too bad. Blood pressure is on the low side, so I can’t tolerate the whole tablets of opioid painkillers. Using lots of gel ice packs, ice machine. The surgeon stitched and glued the incision, applied waterproof dressing. So I can shower as I feel able, no tub baths yet. I don’t really do anything to get dirty, so have settled on shower every other day, wash the head. On alternate days, using the bath wipes to freshen up. I think I’ll be back on my feet quickly. Need to get off these heavy meds and get my oxygen back up a bit higher. Plus, I don’t like being dependent on somebody else for transporting me anywhere.
i have stopped the Cholestyramine for the BAM temporarily, to try and avoid the terrible constipation side effect of the opioids.
The home health caregiver is a godsend, did up sheets, towels, laundry, washed kitchen floor, ran sweeper, cleaned bathrooms for me. Scooped cat boxes. Exactly the things I needed first time around. Was a bit for me to be up and showing her where things are kept, but she got right at is. Hubs stayed out of her way, went very well so far this week. I was glad for the meatloaf I had frozen, to bake for dinner. Easy to pop into oven, add a couple sides. Hubs helped clear the table, so I’m back lying down. Doing my exercises next.
everybody, take care!
(5)
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Yay on the trust closing Glad!

Stacey - Best of luck with your dental issues. I hope they are resolved soon.

Duck - It's good to hear your surgery went well!! Here's to a speedy recovery :)

Girl - Give yourself what you need to mend and recover. Hope you are well soon.

Exsister - You can love your Mom without being her servant or cheating yourself out of what you need. good luck to you.

The wake for my Dad was last night. Thank goodness there were no major incidents and Mom did fine. Still it was stressful and I'm glad it is over.

Today I am taking it easy. My girlfriend invited me over for sweets and tea. She knows just what I need right now. Good friends are such a blessing!
(7)
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Girlsaylor,

It sounds like you need to to have someone else to do all of that caregiving for your husband plus take care of you after surgery. It sounds like too much. Who took care of your husband while you were in the hospital having surgery?
(2)
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Absolute exhaustion here. Woke in the wee hours, pretty normal for me. Had slept past pain meds dose, so caught myself up on medication schedule when I woke up. I’m using ice on my new hip, trying to get needed relief with cold therapy, so I can get by with the split painkiller tablets. Guess my exhaustion is from Monday’s surgery, and hospital stay. I will have to do pet care in an hour, so no point trying to go back to sleep. Since I’m doing most of my own care, I’ve been splitting the low dose of painkiller tablets, taking half doses. Surgeon is aware I’m doing this, taking the bare minimum of the pain meds. Medication sensitivities controlling my life.
My home Health person comes for four hours today. She scoops cat litter boxes. Plan for her to change my bed, wash sheets and towels, do laundry, maybe do floors, or at least kitchen floor. I need help with the homemaking type things, as Medicare wouldn’t be paying for those assistance needs anyhow.
My head is swimmy! How on earth do people manage things like retrieving property tax bills online, paying electronically, when cognition declines?! My thought processes are really struggling, and it’s only temporary. I can’t imagine how a person with early Alzheimer’s can even do the bare minimum of their self care. Things that should take maybe 15 mins, are taking me an hour or more right now, as I can’t mentally focus. Caring for myself and my hubs practically demands I wean off post-op pain medicine. How on earth are the elderly doing this when in cognitive decline?! Really struggling to provide care right now.
(4)
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Exsister,

I am unclear about your inheritance question. How did your father leave his money, to mom or to you and your sisters? Did your sister steal money from mom, or did you refuse your inheritance?

Frankly it sounds like you are being manipulated. You are missing classes because mom " neds" to be driven are one? Needs to or wants to? Can't her MD appointments be made around your schedule? Are you able to say "no mom, I can't do that"?

Mom trying to get you to stay by promising an inheritance also sounds like manipulation.
(5)
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Exister,

Yes, you have answered your own question, but you sound like someone who was emotionally groomed to be a martyr which will leave your broke, broken, destitute and likely homeless.
(3)
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Does anyone here think it's wise to walk away when a family situation is so toxic that you will end up sick, isolated and possibly destitute at the end of it? I have probably answered my own question, but love and duty are stopping me taking my own advice to run while I still can. Here's the reason I am even thinking this way: I have two sisters, each with children. I am single, childless and living with my widowed mother. My sisters and one of my nieces have been unbearably cruel to my mother since my dad died. They took their share of their inheritance even though they knew my mother needed it as she is old, can no longer work and on a reduced pension. I did not take my "share" and I pay my mum for my board and keep. I also do everything for her, bring her to doctor appointments, drive her to shops, to visit her grandchildren... I work for myself but have had to cut back on work because my mother needs me so much (she is reasonably healthy but very needy emotionally since dad died and the situation with my sisters and niece has not helped.. Also the other grandchildren ignore her). I am doing a course to improve my career prospects but am missing lectures because mum needs me so much to drive her around. Anyhow we recently met up with one of my sisters and her kids including the cruel niece who is a young adult but still at school. For the first time in years there were no rows. Now my mum wants to live near them. She wants me to move with her. This would mean daily contact with people who have done everything to make our lives a misery. They even tried to destroy our reputations online and through gossip. I know if I moved to their town with my mum they would try to turn me into a housemaid and scapegoat. This niece is studying to be a nurse so she would boss me around if mum got sick and blame me if anything went wrong. My mother is still afraid of her and afraid of my sister, and that is why she wants me to live with her. So I would be a bodyguard, maid and scapegoat all in one! My mother reminded me she has left everything to me in her will, as if I would stay with her just for money and a house. I stay with her because I love her and want to keep her safe but I can't do that if these psychopaths are living nearby. Short visits are fine and we always meet in a public place which is the advice my mum got from her lawyer. So what do you think? Should I move out now before mum moves house, or wait until she moves house and then make the break, or move with her to the new house?
(1)
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Trying, Sorry for hear about your father passing.


Hugs!!
(2)
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Well, one last stab before ts2 finalizes everything. Sent her email with metlife report on cost of caregiving to family caregivers. I do not expect it will make any difference. Maybe a bit of guilt on her part would be ok, though. 😈 In case any of you are interested:

https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=https://www.caregiving.org/wp-content/uploads/2011/06/mmi-caregiving-costs-working-caregivers.pdf&ved=2ahUKEwil6qCwst7kAhX8FzQIHRKaA-MQFjAAegQIBRAB&usg=AOvVaw3UG9JR7O97i1HEmC3HUGqk
(1)
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Trying, I’m so sorry learn of your father passing. You have handled things so well regarding your sister. It is hard to accept a parent being gone when they have always been there in our lives. Take care of yourself now.
(5)
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Greetings to all. All went well and I am in 4th day road to healing. Relieved and thankful.

Trying, I am so sorry for your loss. You are in my prayers.

Girl, so happy that surgery went well. Glad that some pain is gone.

Glad, finally some closure.

Stacey I wish you well with dental surgery.

Golden I hope all is well.

I am not caught up at all. Now in mist of fight for my correct sick time with job. Otherwise I felt so much relief after surgery.

Godspeed to all in Healing. Rays of love strength and peace to all.
(7)
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HI guys, follow up on my medical issues too, lol! My WBC count came down significantly in one day, wow, I didn't think it could drop that much, but now 11,000 so cleared for the dental surgery. Unfortunately the dental office didn't call me back in time for the last available appointment on Thursday (tomorrow), but I can get in early next week, so reprieve for the weekend, and onwards and upwards! I'm not looking forward to it, but will be happy to get it behind me and on to the healing process.

That's all from me, just keep on keeping on!

Girlsaylor, you sound great post OP, so stay positive and get well soon!

Love to the rest of you all! Stace ❤
(7)
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Wow! I’ve got a bionic new right hip now. Surgery Monday, am home now. Really excruciating pain from the hip, down to mid-femur bone. Asked surgeon about it. He said it’s from the manipulating of the femur, to get it up into view, so surgeon can lift the femur right out of the socket, to cut off the ball of the femur.
Got pain meds prescriptions at pharmacy on the way home from hospital. Wasn’t as bad as I feared. Pharmacy wasn’t too busy, but busy enough. I waited almost an hour, but had one of the mobility shopping carts to wait sitting down. That way hubs didn’t have to return to pick up when ready. Barely made it home, time to take pain meds dose.
My sweet home health gal came by after work, scooped litter boxes. Will ask her if willing, to sweep up any spilled litter or bites of food one day that’s not full with Bible study. She seems Th be a good gal. Plus, when I have the knees done, I’m going to need assistance again.
So, I’m now using a rollator, with flip-up seat, and a sling type bin underneath. Raised toilet seat messing with my head, lol. But it’s what I have to do for now. Actually, I can already feel the deep joint pain is gone! So once he gets me past the leg pain, and any surgical pain, it will take a brief time to get back on the surgery schedule, for my first knee. He won’t do bilateral knees together. Due to hubby’s cardiovascular problems, I’ve got a sense of urgency, for getting my joints replaced as quickly as he can, so I’m in decent enough shape to care for my spouse. Wickedly fun!
(9)
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TryingmyBest, so sorry for your loss. Best wishes to you and your family.
(2)
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Yay Glad, it will finally be over and all of that stress behind you, and then any communications with the Twisteds will be on Your terms whatever that might be. I hope your landscaping is now completed and to your satisfaction and that everything is going well in your neck of the world!

Hoping you gals having surgery are well on your way to healing post OP, and are beginning to feel better! Get Well Soon!

Golden, I can't believe how callous your sister has been regarding your care of your Mom, her death and her estate. Surely she knows how much work that it entailed, and you doing it from a distance too. You will feel better once your Mom's burial is behind you and you can cut contact for good. It doesn't do you any good having all that stress, it sure isn't good for your FM, and CFS, that's for sure! Take Care Sweetie!

Cwille, Glad there are no serious issues with your Kitty! Dang, Vet care is expensive, isn't it! Grr!

I am unfortunately dealing with some dental issues myself (that's expensive too!), and I hate the dentist and have been putting off seeing one in way to many years, plus mine retired, the nerve of him! So I did go in last Friday and the decision was made to get dentures in the uppers only, which will entail pulling all my crummy old ones, which is terrifying to me to say the least! I did make a mess of them, chewing ice, cracking and chipping quite a few of my back molars, neglect through avoidance and previous money issues (no dental insurance, Ugg), and just life passing on by, and then I needed to get medical clearance from my PCP, because I have a minor heart murmur.

So, last Monday I saw my PCP for a Physical exam, had routine blood tests done and gave her the form nessasary for the medical clearance, but my White Blood Cell count came back elevated, with no known signs or symptoms of infection that I can see or feel, so repeat labs were done yesterday and I'm now waiting on pins and needles for the results, as my Dr will definitely not clear me for dental surgery until we get this figured out, Sheesh!

Dang it, it always something! I finally got the courage to face this that I have been so afraid of and have been putting off for So long and then this, more friggin stress! The WBC count was pretty high though and needs to be seen to, whatever that may bring. I do know that the obvious infection, stress, inflammation and the dreaded C can all be possibilities, but I don't think it's C, as the numbers would probably be even higher than mine at 19,000, 10,000 being the upper limits of normal, so here I sit, waiting on a phone call to see what is the next step in figuring Me out so I can get this seen to and get going on my dental work before I Chicken Out Again! It's Always Something!
(7)
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Well, received the final closure of the trust for signature. Have sat on it for a couple of weeks. Letting go? Tired worn out. But, finally will be done!😐 signed, sealed soon to be delivered
(8)
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Trying, so sorry to hear of your loss of your Dad, I'm thankful he didn't go through any pain or suffering. Remember him in the greatest moments you shared togeher through out his life, that is what helps me when I'm missing my Dad so much that it hurts. Dad's are special! Take Care!
(3)
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Thank you Sissisu.
(0)
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Trying, my sincere sympathy over the loss of your father.
I lost my father over 50 years ago, and it still stings. I would just say do whatever is best for you as you grieve. Don't let anyone tell you how you should behave or shame you into doing something. Everyone deals with it in their own way and in their own time.
(4)
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Thank you for all your support. Your words mean so much to me. Thank you.
(5)
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Trying, I am so sorry for your loss. Good that you are able to put sis in the background. I need to learn to do that better myself. Been wondering about how you are doing.
(8)
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