The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Yes, mom is at the point where they are pureeing her food.

Cmag~I am sorry to hear your mom is not eating well. Is she at a point where they are pureeing her food, if not maybe that would help...just a suggestion.My mother does not want a feeding tube either which is in her living will and health directive. I have an aunt who has been on a feeding tube for about 8-10 years now, she is completely unresponsive to all stimulation. I don't think you are bing morbid, I think you are preparing yourself. Keep us updated, prayers for you and your mom! Hugs to you!!

Assandache7~LOL!!!Yes I do and I wish I could tell him he is time out in the corner...one minute for each year of his age...Since he is ADHD, he wouldn't be able sit for 33 minutes in a corner, LOL!! It sure would be fun to watch him try!!!

Today was my mother's follow up visit with her urologist following the blasting of her kidney stone last Monday. The x-ray shows the stone is completely gone. However, we do have a concern about her bladder infection that is resisting various antibiotics.

At the nursing home, the head nurse told me that my mother has another bedsore on her other foot and that she refuses to let them change her position in bed despite explaining why it is important. She also told me about her concern that my mother is not eating very well which I've noticed myself. She is a picky eater and can no longer feed herself.

Since going to the hospital in June, all my mother has done is to sleep. If and when she speaks, she might say three words. She recognizes me when I come into the room, but then falls asleep.

Maybe my mind is just being morbid, but it sounds like she's only a few steps away from needing a feeding tube which her living will says do not do.

Well, that is my report for today.

Sharynmarie Don't you wish you could still say "your grounded"!LOL

Thank you Sad1.~My son and dil just don't seem to care about our feelings. He wouldn't give me a specific day that they were coming just saying the 5th or 6th. He knows I can't just take a day off without scheduling it a head of time. It is what it is. Very selfish of them both.

Oh Sharyn - I am so sorry about your son! I have been absent for a few days- taking a break - from life. My daughter is a little like that - they just don't get it - and honestly - it is rude. I am so sorry.....

Coming from a dysfunctional family or a narcisstic mother does change who we become-once my mom said she was a good mother because we turned out ok-we turned out ok in spite of her and had to be strong on our own and we would have been able to achieve more in life if we had had a loving mother.

Thank You Book!!
Thank you assandache7!! I love you name on here!!! I will see him briefly each day which I guess is what he wants. You can mark my words...the next time they need money...It won't come from us. I don;t mind text messaging because he works a different shift and it is easier to text than to try to call. He has been good about calling me directly when something important in the family comes up because he knows I am up late when he gets off work. I just feel we are being used as a hotel stop. He most likely will not go by to see mom or my fil. I am ashamed because I have always put family first and stressed that with both my kids. Thank you all for the your words and the hugs!!!

Sharyn that stinks...My son pulls the same crap.. Hopefully you'll see him even if it's for a quick visit...

I hate the fact that I have to send my son a text message if I want to converse with him! If I call, I'm lucky if I get a call back.

I'm sooo sorry, Sharyn. {{{{HUGS}}}}

I don't know...my son has real communication issues and he says what I want to hear. He has always been that way so i can't blame it all on her. The problem with her is she has nothing to do with us so communication with her is zero...and she will just leave it up to my son knowing how he is. I take it she just doesn't care. I have my issues with my in laws but I encourage my husband to spend time with his family. The only reason they are coming up here is because my dil has a friend who is getting married. I told my son I am very disappointed and that he needs to work on his communication skills or stop telling me what he knows I want to hear...I said work on it at church...end of my sermon...I love you. He won't respond back I already know that because he won't talk about issues. Thank you Joan!!! ((((((((((((HUGS Back to you!!))))))))))))

Oh sharyn (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) I sense some dil sabotage...

Not to mention....(#&*%^&%^(#@)@)!!!!!!

I am so disappointed!! I need to vent!! As you know my son will be here this weekend..he told me they would be here either the 5th or 6th. I sent him a text asking him if I asked for 7th off if that would fit with their plans so we could spend time together. He said yes. Now he tells me they will be gone on Saturday. I am so angry!!!! Why do i bother trying to have relationship with someone who is only coming here because a friend of his wife is getting married. They had no intentions on spending time with family...It is rubber room time...I am in my padded cell banging my head against the wall!! : /((!!!

Tomorrow I am off...YAY for me!!! I have only been getting one day off a week for about a month now...not working 40 hours a week but it still interferes with seeing mom and keeping up at home. Tomorrow is the one day I have to get get everything organized before my son and dil get here. I asked for the 7th off but didn't get it, heavy sigh!!! However, I don't have to go to work until 5pm that day so I will at least have a big part of the day with my son and visit mom...but no family dinner. I told my co-worker tonight (she is second in charge) that I am off tomorrow so if someone calls in...don't call me because I will not be answering my phone, LOL!!! Hubby was a saint and went to the grocery store for me today...I know i work in a grocery store so why can't you get your own groceries after you clock out for the night???? BECAUSE!!!! I just want to get home and now I won't have to make that extra trip out to shop....he is so good to me!!!♥Plus, I don't want to go to my work site on my day off.

Hoping everyone has a great Monday, enjoy the last day of Labor Day weekend if you are off!

Book~I remember not knowing who I was as an individual. I knew I was the youngest in my family of origin, I knew my mother saw me as irresponsible, I knew I was "M's" wife, "J" and "L's" mother,...my in laws, who have loved me in their own way...I was "the daughter in-law". I was probably about the same age you are now when I was going through that. Who is Sharyn???Are my opinions valid even though they are different from my family, different from my husband, and different from my in-laws...I kept much to myself, would just nod and grin. Eventually it all came together for me and it will for you too. Try to focus on what you do know about yourself...not what others have told you, but what you know deep down in your heart.

Your past does not define you now. You will see that in time. Sending you love and hugs my friend!!

Remember, every WRONG road you went down led you to the right road you are on today. Love yourself. That's right. I'm tearing up thinking about it. Love yourself.

I've not been posting much on this thread because...a lot of times, your stories bring up the past. Past that I do not want to remember. Like with my brother and what he did to me in order to get my signature. I mentioned it here first. then in therapy. I did not realize that what he did to me was Really Really Bad until I saw the therapist's face. She had the most solemn face I've ever seen. She then asked me how do I feel. I said nothing. She kept asking me that question and I kept repeating, nothing. I finally told her straight out: I'm blank inside.

She said that I should be angry, hurt, bitter, etc... Instead, I come to these sessions, talk about my family and I do it with calmness and a smile. And she just sat there staring at me. I just didn't understand her.

I don't understand hints or innuendos. I don't even get 99% of jokes. My family knows that if they want something, they can't hint to me. They have to straight out ask me. So, these therapies are such a mystery for me.

I didn't understand why she kept asking that question over and over. Until Sharyn kept telling me over and over (okay - twice) that depression is anger repressed. I FINALLY put the therapist words and Sharyns words ....and now understand what they were trying to tell me. Okay, I have some very deepseated anger within me. And that's why I'm fighting therapy, myself and my assignments. I realized that I will continue to do this as we do therapy. In the end, I will hate therapy, quit and never ever go back.

I have decided that I need to do small steps. My New goal is to learn to love me. I read an ebook and also online.. on loving yourself, in the preface or intro, that you can do all these self-helps but if you don't love yourself, it will not work. When I read that, I had a lightbulb moment.

I have changed course, again. Hopefully, this time, I am on the right path. Like one poster asked me on YOU, Who are You? if I took away all what people in my life told me about me, and stripped it down to the Core of Me, do I know who I am? I thought about her questions and I realized that I don't know who I am.

So that is my new journey...to discover Me and to learn to accept and like me.

I think this will be a very very difficult journey. I have to force myself to face my past because my dysfunctional family was what shaped me. The fear of going against authority, the fear of disagreeing with the authority, the need to conform to avoid being punished. These are all so deeply rooted. Am I ready? I don't know....

I was wondering because your's is the first I've heard of doing that with the cell phone. I'd never would have thought to reply the way you did when she wanted to leave the ER. I would have just did my best to use persuasion on WHY they should stay. I like your way better. =)

I have not had to do that, like I said, she does not try to manipulate me. I respect her, but I will tell her the facts straight out. When she wanted to leave the ER and go home, I said: " You could go home. But it might be a one-way trip."

Pstieg, is that what you did with mother-in-law? Did you use the cellphone on her?

It amazes me that my MIL is temperamental with her children, throws hissy fits and declares she wants to die immediately. When I am with her two days a week, she doesn't pull these shenanigans. When the drama queen appears, get an audio or video clip with your cell phone and play it back to her.

StandingAlone, what a tragic story of a grown man who allows his mother to dominate his life. I doubt that at 50, he will ever gain his freedom. You were wise getting him out of your life. I can identify with much of your story, but my situation was never as bad as this. My MIL never has liked me because she does not like men who stand up to her. The only reason that she misses her dead husband is that her slave is not around to do her bidding. I'm not sure that my mother ever really liked my wife, but my wife and I have each gotten out of the bondage that we were in. It took years of therapy, learning how to set boundaries with concrete consequences, etc. Have a nice day.

Love, hugs, and prayers for all.

My ex boyfriend Gene, called me yesterday. His mother is a horror that has him firmly by the balls at age 50. It's ridiculous. He still allows his mother to rule him.

We broke up 13 years ago. He would talk to me then about all the things that he was going to do, accomplish, etc. He hasn't done a damn thing. He's still in the same mental and physical rut he was in so long ago. Nothing has changed. He's still angry, and still blames the world for all of his problems. He never looks at himself, or sees that HE needs an attitude overhaul.

His mother is my mothers narcissistic clone, only I was a fighter and he always bowed down to his mothers wrath. When we were together she hated my guts. Imagine that. Someone opposing her? *gasp!* The feeling of loathing was mutual.

The phone call yesterday was depressing as hell. I am no longer in that mental rut, and my mental chains are forever broken. I feel, when I talk to Gene, that his never will be. We fought like cats and dogs when we were together over his mother, I tried to tell him what was up...he wouldn't listen. 2 years after we split, he called me and told me about a huge blow up he had with good old mom, where he flat out told her to get bent and to back the hell off of him. He said I was right about everything. Yup.... Too little, too late. I wouldn't touch him again with a 10 foot pole.

I feel sorry for him. Yeah, he told his mom to back off, finally got one of his balls back, but he continues to allow her to rule him even today, and jumps when she says jump, the poor sap. If he doesn't jump, then he gets the '1000 ways you're a dumbass' lecture, and he takes it. It makes me want to scream.

He once again was doing the 'woe is me' thing, and I cut him off in mid complaint. I told him flat out that unless and until he changed his entire mindset, he'd always be in chains. He's depressed, unhappy, and has gotten obese enough to worry his doctor...but he doesn't DO anything to change his circumstances. He still comes running when mother calls... **headdesk**

He's a good guy in a lot of ways, but so damaged I can't help him at all. When I try and give him advice, show him that there is a ticket to freedom, he blows me off. So be it. I just told him flat out that he was bitching today about the same crap he bitched about 13 years ago, and that if that's all he was capable of doing, then calling me was pointless, because he wouldn't like what I had to say anyway.

His mom has made him feel, all his life, that nothing was ever good enough, that somehow, someway, he was lacking in failing to please her. The woman can't be pleased, but here he is, still climbing that mountain. Sad as hell. Unless he GRABS his life back, he'll be in chains till the day he dies, even after good old mommy dearest is gone. This is a huge man, 6'6", reduced to a scared kid by mother. It killed me when we were together, it kills me now. I told his mom to her face what I really thought about her. It was war from day one.

We lived together for awhile, Gene and I. If the woman didn't call half a dozen times a day it was a miracle. He ALWAYS picked up, always, even when I told him to ignore the phone. His mother called one day, asking to speak to ME. Oh freaking joy. She told me that she couldn't understand why I couldn't have dinner on the table, waiting for Gene when he got home, and why I insisted on treating 'her son' so badly, and couldn't even fix a meal for her poor, poor boy. I proceeded to remind her that her son wasn't working and didn't have a job. I also informed her that while he sat on my couch, and lounged by her pool all day and relaxed, I worked 12+ hour double shifts to pay the bills...and buy the food he was eating...and he could get off his ass and cook his own damn meals, thanks. And I told her never to call me at MY house blathering on about stupid bullshit again, because I wasn't Gene, and I wasn't having it. She told me I wasn't 'good enough' for 'her son'. I laughed in her face and hung up on her. God, she detested me. Then Gene had to listen to his mother about the call later, and came home asking me why I 'always' felt the need to 'stir up shit'. Um...what? We didn't last long, and I booted him back to mother's before a year was up.

Poor sap.

Book~I would not let siblings know bank account numbers and you are right in doing that. i watched the video of the dinosaur... it is very funny. Very ingenious how realistic it looks. I don't know what I would do if I were in that situation,LOL!! I like to watch funny cat videos on utube..some are sweet cute...some are just so funny!!

Jack~It sounds to me like you have good reason to set boundaries with some who want to use others.. Also if your husband insists on helping his younger brother...let hubby also care of mom and her finances. See how far he gets before he either burns out or refuses to enable younger brother.

There is another thread you all may be interested in reading. WhiteKnight sounded bit confused.

https://www.agingcare.com/questions/reasonable-payment-child-caring-for-parent-161215.htm

Amazing, there are organizations that will help ANY WAY they can, never the same with family.

Thanks for this thread, boy did I need this one! I'll try to explain as briefly as possible! I married into this dysfunctional mess and had I know how it would end up I think I would have run a mile! "Mom (in law)" and I have been buddies for many years and have always had a good relationship so that's why I didn't hesitate when she needed me. She had five children and has lost three of them. The last daughter passed last December with Mom and I and other family members by her side for 26 hours. The two remaining sons are my husband and his younger brother who has been the "baby" for 50 years! He is a lazy bum who is on permanent vacation and has relied on Mom financially his entire life to bail him out. He never asks her, just piles on the sob story until she sends him money. Now that I have control of her finances, that has ended! He lived with us for six months for free while working and when I asked him to help with the utility bills ONE time, he went ballistic and left my house with $4000.00 in his account and we had a shut off notice. Since he left, Mom fell and broke her hip and now moved back in my home and I am her caregiver and daughter full time while working part time. He has threatened to get me fired 'cos I asked him to stop worrying her with his problems. He would call her 5 times a day up until 2 weeks ago when she told him to get a damn job and stop asking her for money. He won't answer her calls or return her messages and my husband still wants to help him! I won't have him in my house ever again even if it upsets hubby or his mother! He crossed the line with me big time! If I have to choose which side, I choose mine! Oh and he refuses to speak to me at all, even about his mother's declining health!
Thanks for letting me vent!!