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Sad1~You have to have a sense of humor or you'll go nuts. Some times we check into the funny farm, a padded cell for a few days. It's always best to go willingly before "They're coming to take me away, hey hey, hee hee, ho ho!! Some times we have Abbott and Costello days of who's on first, what's on second and I don't know is on third, LOL!! A martini can help now and then too.

Peoplepleaser~Good for you in stopping helping the mil. I know my in laws do not want my help in any way what so ever. I am not talking about caregiving. I offered to help my mil make fudge once because she complained that it hurts her arms to stir it as she had RA. She would shoot me down immediately saying it was not my place to help her...then why do you call me complaining? I just backed away and got where I wouldn't even answer the phone when she called.They are very clannish...to give you an example, yesterday a second cousin of my husband's posted some family pictures on f/b from when she was little...back when she and her family lived here in Cali. One of the pics was a group photo with herself, her brother, mom and dad, my bil and his daughters plus my mil and grandmother in law. My mil and grandmother in law are now passed but they are this second cousins great aunt and great grand mother. My bil told her that he and his dad (my fil) find it disrespectful to post pictures of deceased family members on f/b. He said he wanted her to remove the picture. Now this is all fine...a family has a right to what they believe....but....my bil's daughter has pictures of my mil on f/b. Why is it ok for his daughter and not a second cousin....because the family does not accept the second cousin's family as part of the family.
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gladimhere - yes! I highly recommend it! =)
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maybe I should switch from beer to martinis (plural)!
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oh - and as for the meds - as she refuses to still take it - they are crushing it and putting it in her food she hates...so not getting the full dosage...we chatted about that today - went super well - hahahahahahaha - just crack myself up.
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OMG! I just typed a ton - and it is gone. Ugh. Anyway - went to see my mother today - and started out meeting the owner of the home she is in and I introduced myself as Linda's daughter - she shook my hand and said how sorry she was for me! THAT was telling! She said that in her 25 years of being in this field - she had never met anyone like her...Wow. Then my mother walks by - and looks at me and proceeds to tell me how sick she is since she had received my letter. Ok - today is the victim - I wrote the letter as she was not listening to me at all - and insists on how horrible it is blah blah blah. So - I just told her how it compared with the other places - and in the letter told her that her being mean and yelling at people does not help her. She had underlined everything she didn't like - proceeded to tell me how she was showing it to everyone to show how horrible I was. Well - knowing that she would do that - in my letter I complimented the staff - etc. I also said that the stroke had caused a mild form of dementia - which she just needed to know. Letting her know - placement for her is difficult. She is failing - and having a hard time holding things together. She is good for about half an hour - then looses it. She also pulled the dead dad card as his anniversary of his death was on the 22nd - AND I did not call her or send her a card....really??? So - today was blame and shame - and victim day....needless to say - been toxic all day - and having a martini now.

Tomorrow - shopping for the junk food - cut her hair - and bye bye...will spend a few days here without her drama.

Again - thanks to all that read all this - and really "get it". We have toxic people in our immediate families - accusing siblings/parents and yes - still have time to have a sense of humor....that and martinis - make life good!

Have a fantastic evening - you people are the best!

Cheers!

Karen
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Sharynmarie - we have backpacked from May Lake to Ten Lakes - took our 3 boys and two donkey - out for 12 days - estimate about 26 miles - it was a fantastic trip - our boys still talk about it. Hope the fire Gods are with our firefighters!

Margeaux -We too have had to boycott certain family situations - the entire family thinks were are judgmental (both sides of our families - dysfunction surrounds us!) and they are right - we have the good judgement to leave a bad situation. Well - my husband does! LOL - I am still working on that
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We think we have solved the issue of mom's rash...she broke out with another rash yesterday, she said she was fine until she went to bed so it must be the laundry soap. We are going to supply them with the laundry soap mom has always used and hope this solves the problem.
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Sorry for using the wrong here/hear.
Margeaux
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Peoplepleaser59,

It's really good that you have realized that you have to stand up for yourself.
Yes, you don't have to be dealing with a mother in law, if this is the low level behavior being given in return. We often here this story, of the caring daughter in law, who does a lot for the family's mom, and all they get is criticism.

Besides, if you have your own health issues.....let her family deal with it.
Remember....the less one makes themselves available too, something will invariably happen, so that others that really should be doing this pick up the slack.

Stay strong!
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
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Gladimhere,

My sister too, doesn't read on her own, educate herself about ALZ.
She's the main caregiver, living w/mom. Many times of course issues have surfaced of the kind that have to do with the medications, and how effective they really are, or she's been prescribed too many, as in our case.

I completely understand, your position in this....that it appears you don't think an anti-depressant is the cure when your mom obviously has to be reminded about the death of her parents, as if it were a first time. IMO, I don't think anti-depressants help them, it really rather knocks them out, which is what was going on w/mother.

I don't live there, and am the visiting CG. I'm not part of MPOA, or any of the legal matters, then I've a controller sister. So sometimes, I found out what mom was taking when I was there, and sister was at work, because they'd left some prescription bottles on the table, and of course I took a look at what they were.

A few mos., ago my sister called to tell me she'd stopped most of the ALZ meds.
It was getting pretty bad, w/mom at that time. She was having gall bladder issues, wasn't eating, in pain. The meds.....as you know have to be taken w/food.
So, this was one point. Then, my sister was telling me, she was having to wake mom up to eat, she was so knocked out. She made attempts several times to reconfigure meds, w/mom's doc. But the doc wasn't interested in that, only giving her more. Actually, my mom seems o.k., and she did have a gallbladder laparoscopic procedure, back in April. I must say though, in our case.....she seems fine.

Just because your sister has a degree doesn't make her an expert, either.

O.K., gladyou're here!

Much Love & Light! Margeaux
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Welcome helinski-all I can tell you with the info you provided is that most families don't want a daughter in law or sister in law involved in their family caregiving. What is going on and can you provide more info tor us?
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I have three brothers, one is a drug addict, one lives far away and the other has a nurotic wife whom refuses to help out with my mom, because "its not her mom"
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Sad1daughter,

Oh, doesn't this tactic get old, and how elementary for a sibling to be bringing up past stories that at the bottom of telling these stories, we know they really are stirring up the pot, camoflauged w/humor. Or many times my sister had made comments such as oh....Margeaux has always been like this. These people talk as if time stood still and we haven't grown. Shallow stuff if you ask me!!

Good for you that you didn't allow your mom to oblige you to have this kind of disrespect in your home. I'm very happy also, that your husband and sons are in your camp. They sound like good men. This is a reflection of you, who obviously has the common sense, when enough is enough, no matter that these people are our relatives.

This is something I had to resort to w/mother's battle ax sister.
We put up for years of psychological abuse by this woman. Why? It was because neither of my parents ever really stood up to her, to put her in her place
When she caused that physical fight, which this was a one time event. She'd made threats in the past but never got physical. It only took this one time for me,
and that was it! Thanksgiving that year was in a week. When circumstances developed such that my parents again, were basically siding w/her.....I opted out of Thanksgiving that year. I remember my dad, who was very sick from cancer now, pleaded w/me to stay for TG, because the family was going to be there and all of that. I was so insensed even w/my parents for this attitude of again overlooking, or looking the other way, and not standing up for what is right. So, anyway this was a history of they not honoring my feelings, I just couldn't be there given that the battle ax was there. I'm not o.k., w/you dare to violate me,
then a week later I have turkey with you, and am expected to act as if nothing happened.

That story about your mom having pulled the table cloth off the table, was WOW!
Have they been successful at having her take the meds?

All right, take care,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
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Sad1~Me too.... backpacked the Tuolume Meadows and Ten Lakes Areas. Beautiful area. I don't think these areas will be affected by the fire. I have great hope it will be contained and out within the next 10 days.
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sharynmarie - it is so sad - Yosemite is one of our favorite places...and you are right - the terrain is really hard to maneuver over. I know - I have backpacked there...
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I am not discounting the work of the fire fighters on the ground. They are doing a great job with fire breaks and protecting buildings and water resources for SF, and the surrounding towns like Groveland, Twain Harte and Pine Crest...the latter two are dealing with falling ash.
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Sad1~I am in manteca, about 55 miles south of Sacramento. I talked with a friend of mine who is a former fire fighter in Yosemite, he said it will be some time yet for them to get the fire under control because of the terrain. He said if the fire runs into the granite cliffs it will stall it or stop it which will help the fire fighters as most of the work right now is from the air.
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Alison - strange how I was able to disconnect from my brother so easily - but not my mother. I hope the book helps. I bought mine on Amazon and put it on my ipad - can take it with me anywhere!

Sharynmarie - where are you in California? I am up by Sacramento - the rim fire is awful! We have been getting smoke from it - and I have a cousin in Reno that said going outside is like going to a campfire - so bad...my thoughts and prayers are with those firefighters!

Going tomorrow to see my mother after a month - and after the realization that she has a NPD....she has called and left at least 5 messages - I have written her a letter stating that the place she is in is good - and she needs to rethink moving - and my son and his new wife visited her today - said she has lists for me - and has underlined a ton in the info I sent her. As my husband says - tomorrow it is time for me to take my medicine...wish me luck.

Thanks to all that are here - it is one of those things - glad you are here - but also sorry you need to be...have a good evening all!
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thank you gladimhere. I guess I'm pretty glad where I ended up myself! Take care and I hope the best for you!!
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peplplesr- you are so fortunate to have a sister that understands. It makes me wonder if tensions increase with her own children taking care of business. I would think that the dynamic would change drastically. But, this is not your problem. Let hubby deal with it. This is a wonderful place to vent, I do it often myself.
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I've not been on here long, but yeah, I do need to vent. I'm pretty sure someone out there will identify. I was taking care of my mother in law, and there have been a few bad patches where i tried to get the dysfunctionals together and make a plan for cleaning Mom's house. She freaked out that I was "talking about her behind her back" and "sticking my long nose in her business". she even called and left a very mean msg. for me. Well, of course I cried and wondered how anything and EVERYthing I've done could be construed as cruelty. I have spent so much time cleaning in the bathroom after her cuz she can't see the mess, and it gets AWFUL. Always felt it was worth it if it meant she got to stay in her own home. After this last go round I wanted to tell her how much sh** I've cleaned up in her house...i can't do it. Unfortunately her family has no problem telling me off. My own husband didn't believe how mean she could get until he heard her himself going off about me. Never has anyone stuck up for me and this almost ended the marriage. I will not go back. I could see doing all this and bearing it if it was my own mother, but this is ridiculous. At least i am finally taking care of myself and removing myself from this constant drama. I am still very resentful and hurt, but thank God I have a wonderful sister who calls me up with her friggin' affirmations every day! we've had a lot of laughs about the affirmations, but they do help if I can just remember them. I need to start over from here and get rid of the toxic relationships I seem to find myself in. Oh, one last dig she got in on me was that "it was her own fault by believing me when i said I would take care of something for her". I take care of my own house, i am disabled as well and have my own pets to take care of. I apologized for the times I forgot something and she looked at the ground. Sorry, but i don't remember everything I have to do for her and it's her fault she would never remind me. She just complains instead of asking me when i could get whatever was so important done. Just need to cry a little and decompress. Thanks for giving me an area I feel safe sharing in. I guess I won't be a caretaker anymore, but I can get over that. I try to pray for her and let God handle it all but I do take it back and worry over it like a dog over a bone. someday I may get this right!
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Good for you Alison!!! My second eldest brother used to tell me I was adopted, found in the garbage can or under a rock. I believed him for many years and would fantasize about my perfect parents that gave me up. When I got older, I told my sister about brother saying this to me and I laughed saying, "It all makes since now, I 'm not like the rest of you because I don't share your blood!" The parts that are too painful to want to revisit...it's ok not revisit, if you can look back like you have, saying I survived and I am going to get stronger...you are on the right path.

We make changes when we are ready to, no one can force us to make a change until then. That is what is so great about this site is because we are all on our own personal journey. We continue to love and support each other regardless of where we are at on our journey. We all have had different experiences which is why we can learn from EVERY single person who contributes to this site!!! Love and hugs to everyone, I know I have learned so much from each of YOU!!
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I lol'd at your post, sharyn, about when sis punched you while sleeping. I had this "fantasy" as a kid about handcuffing/tying older bro up while he slept, so I could then beat on him the way he continuously beat on me! I wanted to show him what it was like and get some revenge. Now, that memory makes me laugh. It IS too bad that I harbored such feelings towards my bro... and my mother used to hit me very violently, too, and I remember "fantasizing" about pushing her down the stairs or something else to inflict physical pain on her the way she did to me.

Its kind of hard to know whether to laugh or cry about such memories. I will tell you that as I'm sitting here now, I'm more inclined to just chuckle about all of it. Growing up in these families is just plain NUTS. ;D But I survived, and I can now make choices to keep the hurt as far away from me as I can... and learn to have tools at the ready when conflict situations may come up again. That's a very liberating and empowering feeling, I gotta tell ya. Believing that I can do things differently now, as an adult, to neutralize this toxicity is really a great thing, a great step for me.

I'm procrastinating on doing yard work today. Chicago is finally getting its "summer" heat wave - its 95 today. Hope all is well in everyone's little neck of the world. Happy Tuesday!
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Hi All!!

I am been rather engrossed with following the Rim Fire here in Cali because it is all around the areas of the Sierra's I am familiar with.

I can relate to what Alison and Book said about their brothers but in my case it was my parents that said those things to me. Sis and I shared a room growing up and we fought horribly our whole childhood. She told me once she feels horrible for some of the things she did to me but I don't remember the incidents she talked about. One incident was that I did something or accomplished something in school and my parents were praising me for it, she had brought home a report card with straight A's and my parents did not acknowledge her. She said she woke up in the middle of the night, walked over to my bed and slugged me on my back. I woke up screaming, parents came running in our room...no one knew what happened. I laughed when she told me this because I have no memory of it. I am not making light of your situations because I know siblings can and do cause a lot of damage in a dysfunctional family.

Setting boundaries is important and we can set boundaries without having to confront the person (in most cases they will deny their actions anyway), I know my mother has denied any wrong doing in our family, she blamed it all on my dad. When you think of the energy a person puts into the my way or the highway thinking, it must be very time and energy consuming to maintain. It's no wonder they are so angry with the world. Set those boundaries!!!
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Boy, what a bunch of memories this topic of mean siblings has brought up for me. My older bro has just been a force of destruction and sadness in my life, all my life. Sad1, Karen, you mentioned how your bro engaged in some less-than-flattering storytelling one year... my bro has done, and does, the same sort of thing. I have often thought to myself that I hope one day to be married, and to a protective sort of husband, just so that I don't have to feel so vulnerable to attack by older bro.

You guys brought up some valid points that my spending holidays under his roof isn't the wisest, or safest, thing. I've known this for years. When I had more financial means, I used to stay in a hotel. And now, well, I just love spending time with his four sweet children so much... and now my bro and I don't even really interact all that much when I am there. I spend my time with the children and I say very little to him. It seems to work.

When I first started participating in this thread, I was more concerned about my mother's crazy behaviors, and I've said, and still believe (correctly or not) that my mother is not a real narcissist. She certainly has some traits of that and other PDs... but my older bro does have the arrogance and superiority complex - the "my way or the highway" - that seems to be in line with the NPD. Thanks, Karen, for the suggested reading, I'll take a look.

That's the good news, the "bright side," if you will... there does seem to be good info out there for us with regard to dealing with these destructive Family. I think its fair to say I've been wanting bro's approval for far too long and allowing him to make me feel very much "less than," based on nothing...

Book, I really relate to what you described about your brother. And crying your eyes out. My bro has just broken my heart so many times. And its time I learned that he will ALWAYS do it again, its just a matter of time... I keep wanting to just chalk up his behavior to us not having parenting, and now he's "growing out" of his controlling ways... maybe he is, maybe he isn't... I need to protect myself better, I think.

Love you guys, g'night!
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Can you guys tell that I'm not a big fan of the holidays? HAAH!

Margeaux
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Bookluvr,

Yes, some of the stress has passed, thank you.

How are things these days going with your dad?
I hope you are well.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux
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The holidays aren't all there cranked up to be!

Margeaux
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Allison - I have been reading "Disarming the Narcissistic" and I really think it could help you. I have been reading it for dealing with my mother and it is very helpful! I too have a brother, younger, that I have a horrible relationship, partly because of my mother putting us against each other, but I believe mostly due to my father giving me more attention and quality attention while growing up. We had fought bitterly - he had even tried to "tame" a babysitter and me when he was about 7 with a belt and chair! Needless to say she never babysat again! Came after me with a knife when I was in high school - he was about 12 because I took the end of the salami. Thank goodness my boyfriend was there! My parents did nothing...actually I think my mother asked what I did to antagonis him....really? The last time he was in my home was a Christmas Eve that my mother had invited him, I had not. He and his wife did not bring anything - and after dinner while we were visiting in the living room he did nothing but bring up stories about me that were less than flattering. My mother thought it was hilarious - and I was too sensitive. My boys and husband were livid! He is no longer welcome in my home and I was clear with my mother on that. She and my dad would come visit (we are 3 hours away) and she would complain that she had to meet my brother in a parking lot to exchange gifts. Ummm- he could have invited you to his house....that wasn't even considered. It was me not being a good sister or host. Too bad! At least I had set my boundaries with him - and now learning to do them with my mother.
Hang in there and get that book - these people on this site are a wealth of information and non judgemental support!

Cheers!

Karen
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Hi guys hope you are all well have just had a bit of respite but feeling like this family is more and more dysfunctional everytime family visits!

My sister spent very little time here with mum and was her usual out having fun with mates and not really grasping the serious of mams behaviour? ALSO she tried to get my mum to sell her the house as prices are cheaper now was shaking with rage but said nothing. turns out she was turned down by the bank? Can you believe it im here worrying about mums welfare and shes getting mum when shes vunerable tyring to make a cheap sale of mums house which is her only asset to be used for her care? My bro was furious and is finally seeing what she is like. Maybe shes just in total denial of mums health or shes one devious COW?
anyway shes gone back now and talking about xmas visit?? never mentioned mums situation and what we are going to do about her?
Then my aunt arrived my mums sis and everytime I mentioned mums behaviour all I got was "oh I hope I dont get anything like that" so neeless to say ive had a very draining time off.
Also my friends dog died and I was distraught and now my other best friends mother may die after a bypass that caused complications.

Tomorrow is my mums brain scan results and im very nervous I hope they can tell if shes showing dementia or something so this family can wake up to the seriousness of this illness.

Im numb after these visits and feel happy to be just me and mum again as my family stress me more and more I just dont have it in me to be so selfish but am learning fast!
Sorry to be so depressing but have to let it out!
Emjo happy birthday belated hope you had a ball! im probably a bit down myself as my 48th is soon and I keep asking myself what am I doing with my life and where am I going? Will I be here next year doing same please god NO! But that is up to me I guess! I want my mum to move with me OR she needs a home my family just refuse to discuss this and its draining me. I think I will have to do this alone and get POA and plan my mums care myself then watch them jump?
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