
Many of us, myself included, come from a dysfunctional family which adds a lot of weight to the challenges of caregiving. I have read stores on various threads on other topics and decided it would be good to have a thread just for this topic for people to share, vent and discuss.
The idea for this thread originated on the thread named "The Caregiver....How are YOU doing today?"
Peoplepleaser~Good for you in stopping helping the mil. I know my in laws do not want my help in any way what so ever. I am not talking about caregiving. I offered to help my mil make fudge once because she complained that it hurts her arms to stir it as she had RA. She would shoot me down immediately saying it was not my place to help her...then why do you call me complaining? I just backed away and got where I wouldn't even answer the phone when she called.They are very clannish...to give you an example, yesterday a second cousin of my husband's posted some family pictures on f/b from when she was little...back when she and her family lived here in Cali. One of the pics was a group photo with herself, her brother, mom and dad, my bil and his daughters plus my mil and grandmother in law. My mil and grandmother in law are now passed but they are this second cousins great aunt and great grand mother. My bil told her that he and his dad (my fil) find it disrespectful to post pictures of deceased family members on f/b. He said he wanted her to remove the picture. Now this is all fine...a family has a right to what they believe....but....my bil's daughter has pictures of my mil on f/b. Why is it ok for his daughter and not a second cousin....because the family does not accept the second cousin's family as part of the family.
Tomorrow - shopping for the junk food - cut her hair - and bye bye...will spend a few days here without her drama.
Again - thanks to all that read all this - and really "get it". We have toxic people in our immediate families - accusing siblings/parents and yes - still have time to have a sense of humor....that and martinis - make life good!
Have a fantastic evening - you people are the best!
Cheers!
Karen
Margeaux -We too have had to boycott certain family situations - the entire family thinks were are judgmental (both sides of our families - dysfunction surrounds us!) and they are right - we have the good judgement to leave a bad situation. Well - my husband does! LOL - I am still working on that
Margeaux
It's really good that you have realized that you have to stand up for yourself.
Yes, you don't have to be dealing with a mother in law, if this is the low level behavior being given in return. We often here this story, of the caring daughter in law, who does a lot for the family's mom, and all they get is criticism.
Besides, if you have your own health issues.....let her family deal with it.
Remember....the less one makes themselves available too, something will invariably happen, so that others that really should be doing this pick up the slack.
Stay strong!
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
My sister too, doesn't read on her own, educate herself about ALZ.
She's the main caregiver, living w/mom. Many times of course issues have surfaced of the kind that have to do with the medications, and how effective they really are, or she's been prescribed too many, as in our case.
I completely understand, your position in this....that it appears you don't think an anti-depressant is the cure when your mom obviously has to be reminded about the death of her parents, as if it were a first time. IMO, I don't think anti-depressants help them, it really rather knocks them out, which is what was going on w/mother.
I don't live there, and am the visiting CG. I'm not part of MPOA, or any of the legal matters, then I've a controller sister. So sometimes, I found out what mom was taking when I was there, and sister was at work, because they'd left some prescription bottles on the table, and of course I took a look at what they were.
A few mos., ago my sister called to tell me she'd stopped most of the ALZ meds.
It was getting pretty bad, w/mom at that time. She was having gall bladder issues, wasn't eating, in pain. The meds.....as you know have to be taken w/food.
So, this was one point. Then, my sister was telling me, she was having to wake mom up to eat, she was so knocked out. She made attempts several times to reconfigure meds, w/mom's doc. But the doc wasn't interested in that, only giving her more. Actually, my mom seems o.k., and she did have a gallbladder laparoscopic procedure, back in April. I must say though, in our case.....she seems fine.
Just because your sister has a degree doesn't make her an expert, either.
O.K., gladyou're here!
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
Oh, doesn't this tactic get old, and how elementary for a sibling to be bringing up past stories that at the bottom of telling these stories, we know they really are stirring up the pot, camoflauged w/humor. Or many times my sister had made comments such as oh....Margeaux has always been like this. These people talk as if time stood still and we haven't grown. Shallow stuff if you ask me!!
Good for you that you didn't allow your mom to oblige you to have this kind of disrespect in your home. I'm very happy also, that your husband and sons are in your camp. They sound like good men. This is a reflection of you, who obviously has the common sense, when enough is enough, no matter that these people are our relatives.
This is something I had to resort to w/mother's battle ax sister.
We put up for years of psychological abuse by this woman. Why? It was because neither of my parents ever really stood up to her, to put her in her place
When she caused that physical fight, which this was a one time event. She'd made threats in the past but never got physical. It only took this one time for me,
and that was it! Thanksgiving that year was in a week. When circumstances developed such that my parents again, were basically siding w/her.....I opted out of Thanksgiving that year. I remember my dad, who was very sick from cancer now, pleaded w/me to stay for TG, because the family was going to be there and all of that. I was so insensed even w/my parents for this attitude of again overlooking, or looking the other way, and not standing up for what is right. So, anyway this was a history of they not honoring my feelings, I just couldn't be there given that the battle ax was there. I'm not o.k., w/you dare to violate me,
then a week later I have turkey with you, and am expected to act as if nothing happened.
That story about your mom having pulled the table cloth off the table, was WOW!
Have they been successful at having her take the meds?
All right, take care,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
Sharynmarie - where are you in California? I am up by Sacramento - the rim fire is awful! We have been getting smoke from it - and I have a cousin in Reno that said going outside is like going to a campfire - so bad...my thoughts and prayers are with those firefighters!
Going tomorrow to see my mother after a month - and after the realization that she has a NPD....she has called and left at least 5 messages - I have written her a letter stating that the place she is in is good - and she needs to rethink moving - and my son and his new wife visited her today - said she has lists for me - and has underlined a ton in the info I sent her. As my husband says - tomorrow it is time for me to take my medicine...wish me luck.
Thanks to all that are here - it is one of those things - glad you are here - but also sorry you need to be...have a good evening all!
We make changes when we are ready to, no one can force us to make a change until then. That is what is so great about this site is because we are all on our own personal journey. We continue to love and support each other regardless of where we are at on our journey. We all have had different experiences which is why we can learn from EVERY single person who contributes to this site!!! Love and hugs to everyone, I know I have learned so much from each of YOU!!
Its kind of hard to know whether to laugh or cry about such memories. I will tell you that as I'm sitting here now, I'm more inclined to just chuckle about all of it. Growing up in these families is just plain NUTS. ;D But I survived, and I can now make choices to keep the hurt as far away from me as I can... and learn to have tools at the ready when conflict situations may come up again. That's a very liberating and empowering feeling, I gotta tell ya. Believing that I can do things differently now, as an adult, to neutralize this toxicity is really a great thing, a great step for me.
I'm procrastinating on doing yard work today. Chicago is finally getting its "summer" heat wave - its 95 today. Hope all is well in everyone's little neck of the world. Happy Tuesday!
I am been rather engrossed with following the Rim Fire here in Cali because it is all around the areas of the Sierra's I am familiar with.
I can relate to what Alison and Book said about their brothers but in my case it was my parents that said those things to me. Sis and I shared a room growing up and we fought horribly our whole childhood. She told me once she feels horrible for some of the things she did to me but I don't remember the incidents she talked about. One incident was that I did something or accomplished something in school and my parents were praising me for it, she had brought home a report card with straight A's and my parents did not acknowledge her. She said she woke up in the middle of the night, walked over to my bed and slugged me on my back. I woke up screaming, parents came running in our room...no one knew what happened. I laughed when she told me this because I have no memory of it. I am not making light of your situations because I know siblings can and do cause a lot of damage in a dysfunctional family.
Setting boundaries is important and we can set boundaries without having to confront the person (in most cases they will deny their actions anyway), I know my mother has denied any wrong doing in our family, she blamed it all on my dad. When you think of the energy a person puts into the my way or the highway thinking, it must be very time and energy consuming to maintain. It's no wonder they are so angry with the world. Set those boundaries!!!
You guys brought up some valid points that my spending holidays under his roof isn't the wisest, or safest, thing. I've known this for years. When I had more financial means, I used to stay in a hotel. And now, well, I just love spending time with his four sweet children so much... and now my bro and I don't even really interact all that much when I am there. I spend my time with the children and I say very little to him. It seems to work.
When I first started participating in this thread, I was more concerned about my mother's crazy behaviors, and I've said, and still believe (correctly or not) that my mother is not a real narcissist. She certainly has some traits of that and other PDs... but my older bro does have the arrogance and superiority complex - the "my way or the highway" - that seems to be in line with the NPD. Thanks, Karen, for the suggested reading, I'll take a look.
That's the good news, the "bright side," if you will... there does seem to be good info out there for us with regard to dealing with these destructive Family. I think its fair to say I've been wanting bro's approval for far too long and allowing him to make me feel very much "less than," based on nothing...
Book, I really relate to what you described about your brother. And crying your eyes out. My bro has just broken my heart so many times. And its time I learned that he will ALWAYS do it again, its just a matter of time... I keep wanting to just chalk up his behavior to us not having parenting, and now he's "growing out" of his controlling ways... maybe he is, maybe he isn't... I need to protect myself better, I think.
Love you guys, g'night!
Margeaux
Yes, some of the stress has passed, thank you.
How are things these days going with your dad?
I hope you are well.
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
Margeaux
Hang in there and get that book - these people on this site are a wealth of information and non judgemental support!
Cheers!
Karen
My sister spent very little time here with mum and was her usual out having fun with mates and not really grasping the serious of mams behaviour? ALSO she tried to get my mum to sell her the house as prices are cheaper now was shaking with rage but said nothing. turns out she was turned down by the bank? Can you believe it im here worrying about mums welfare and shes getting mum when shes vunerable tyring to make a cheap sale of mums house which is her only asset to be used for her care? My bro was furious and is finally seeing what she is like. Maybe shes just in total denial of mums health or shes one devious COW?
anyway shes gone back now and talking about xmas visit?? never mentioned mums situation and what we are going to do about her?
Then my aunt arrived my mums sis and everytime I mentioned mums behaviour all I got was "oh I hope I dont get anything like that" so neeless to say ive had a very draining time off.
Also my friends dog died and I was distraught and now my other best friends mother may die after a bypass that caused complications.
Tomorrow is my mums brain scan results and im very nervous I hope they can tell if shes showing dementia or something so this family can wake up to the seriousness of this illness.
Im numb after these visits and feel happy to be just me and mum again as my family stress me more and more I just dont have it in me to be so selfish but am learning fast!
Sorry to be so depressing but have to let it out!
Emjo happy birthday belated hope you had a ball! im probably a bit down myself as my 48th is soon and I keep asking myself what am I doing with my life and where am I going? Will I be here next year doing same please god NO! But that is up to me I guess! I want my mum to move with me OR she needs a home my family just refuse to discuss this and its draining me. I think I will have to do this alone and get POA and plan my mums care myself then watch them jump?