The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Oldcodger,

I just read your post, and I want to congratulate you!
Yes, many times to the detriment of many caregivers health....and all too often, ridden with guilt to do anything on their own behalf. This kind of a scenario really gets to me also, when one hears that an in-law as yourself is caring for other's mom, meanwhile they have other children who do nothing.

You have done an amazing thing for yourself, and great that your husband is on your side. It takes a lot of courage, and sticking to one's guns to accomplish this.
Hopefully a post such as yours will encourage some others here, to do the same.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

I'm tired of spending my holidays doing what others want!

No, I didn't learn my lesson. I gave my old car to father and as usual, bro started using it for himself. Then one day, he asked me if I wanted to go for a stroll. I said okay. We hopped into my new car and drove to the car shop. He invited me to go with him inside. I go in. He goes to the cashier, and the guy tells him how much it costs. Bro steps back and I'm left standing there. Since the car was still under my name legally, I paid for it. Now, this is a bro who makes over $17/hour and I'm still making minimum wage- $6.50/hour. I was soooo pissed off.

The next workday, I went down to DMV and signed over my car legally to my father. Learned how important it is to sign over the car so that I will no longer be legally responsible for it and the one driving it. So, when my 2nd car became age 12, I was spending more money on repairs than I would of a new car's monthly payments. Bro Assumed that I was going to give him this car. Nope. I gave it to sis, legally signed it over to her (yep, learned my lesson well).

Austin, I have learned since then that when bro is nice to me - to watch out. He's after something. When father dies, he is the executor.

good for you book-you did the right thing and I hope you are never alone with him ever again.

ABB, my oldest brother had this scheme to use our land (not yet subdivided) to build an apartment and rent it out. I was about age 23, the middle child. He was able to get all my 6 siblings to sign except me. He invited me to his home and took me to the bedroom. He closed the door and stood in front of it. He then proceeded to tear me apart verbally for 30 minutes non-stop. I don't remember most of what he said. But these words I do remember: "You are Nothing and you will always be Nothing." The whole time I just sat there and listened to him tear me apart. When he was done, I signed the paper and went back home. I went to my bedroom and cried my heart out. He was my most favorite brother and I had looked up to him all my life. That day, he broke my heart and he no longer meant anything to me...other than fear of him. He may have broken me but I was still determined to stop this. The next day, I called the bank and spoke to the agent dealing with brother. I told her that I didn't want to sign it but that my brother forced me to sign it. And you could hear in my voice how I was trying not to cry. It never went thru - he was denied. Your story of your brother brought up this memory.

Allison I agree with the other poster-do not go near your brother this holiday season-his anger is too dangerous for you to be near him -do not go to visit-you can email him and make up an excuse or just stay away-it is for your own safety-you do not deserve to be treated badly.

Alison-
I, have sisters that are not physically abusive, but emotionally. This past Thanksgiving all were invited here, one sister and her family came, the other declined which I was happy about. The sister that came had already started this battle that continues to this day about who is to care for my mom. She wrote a 5-page letter two weeks before Thanksgiving, sent to my mom's CPA, and I suspect two attorneys that have worked with my mom, and who know who else packed with absolute lies about how I had spent mom's money, of course all of which can be documented and disclosing things I had told her about my life that were in confidence, and some things were 35 years ago. Would I have ever thought she would try to use these against me and enhance her story by false accusations? NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS!

Christmas came and I was relieved that I did not receive an invitation to their homes. I was not going to enter someone else's territory with everything that was going on. It meant I spent Christmas alone, but I would rather be alone than spend time with two faced, narcissistic, lying siblings.

And the holidays are upon us when we all start making plans. I plan to spend Christmas alone again, and may have an open house type thing for Thanksgiving, not a big sit down dinner. You do not need to subject yourself to holidays with your brother.

I found this article on Dementia Dynamics, I hope it is helpful for those of you dealing with a violent loved one with Dementia.

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When Nothing Stops the Violence
February 3, 2011

My father-in-law was an upstanding citizen in his small town — chairman of the Administrative Board at the Methodist church, city councilman, Scout troop leader, etc. He led the kind of life we would all hope any son of ours would lead. He was a wonderful husband, great dad and a loving grandfather. He NEVER abused anyone — wife, child, employee, ANYONE. That is, until he got Alzheimer’s disease.

I have touched on the subject of violence before, but it bears revisiting. My father-in-law had an interesting variation of the Alzheimer’s disease theme, which closely resembled “fronto-temporal dementia.” This form of dementia causes incredible behavioral problems in the patient, because the frontal lobe of the brain (located behind the forehead) is the center of judgment and self-control, among other things. It also seems to progress more rapidly than regular Alzheimer’s, so behavioral problems often arise very rapidly.

With clarity of hindsight, we can see subtle personality changes and uncharacteristic behavior before his diagnosis. The main occurrence that comes to mind was when he grew very angry with the church trustees when they ordered a diseased tree in the church yard to be cut down. He visited the trustees in their homes one Sunday afternoon and told them very emphatically what he thought about their tree-cutting — completely uncharacteristic behavior for my father-in-law.

As his disease progressed, this gentle man grew physically violent, pushing down my mother-in-law on his way to the bathroom. He was very strong and physically, very healthy. As he lost his language function (another characteristic of when the frontal lobe of the brain is affected), he could only say a few phrases over and over. He loved to remind us, “I can put 200 pounds over my head!” And he really could. When that strength turned against a loved one or a caregiver, injury sometimes resulted.

I addressed how to deal with physically violent dementia patients in an earlier blog, so I will attempt not to be repetitive. Suffice it to say that sometimes he was impossible to deal with. Whatever the cause, he had agitation, obsessive / compulsive tendencies, and anger management issues. Yes, most of the time, if you approached him correctly, he would not become violent. However, he had multiple caregivers in the 7 facilities he went through in 2 years. There is no way perfect behavior on their part and his could be assured.

First of all, doctors tried medications. The difficulty is that all medications, no matter how seemingly benign, have side effects. The choice before the physicians and family is, are the benefits worth the side effects? The answer is, sometime yes and sometimes no. In cases my father-in-law’s case, I can tell you that medications were essential to controlling his behavior, even with their myriad negative side effects.

As the disease progressed, he was increasingly difficult to deal with, even with multiple medications. Unlike many patients, his physical condition did not deteriorate like his mental condition. The crisis came in the spring of 2006, when he was sending nursing home workers to the emergency room with regularity and we lived in real fear that he would seriously harm or kill someone.

At that point, we knew he required more serious psychiatric care than he could get in any outpatient setting. He needed to be admitted to the geriatric dementia psychiatry facility in the state mental hospital, but the only way this could happen was to have him committed through the probate court system.

Every state is different, but in Alabama, the probate judge appoints an attorney to represent the patient and the family hires its own attorney. Two healthcare professionals (doctors and / or nurse practitioners) are required to testify to the patient’s condition. A family member also testifies. Prior to the hearing, the attorney for the patient investigates the situation and then, makes her recommendations under oath to the court at the hearing. In our case, my father-in-law, who would have been unable to answer questions for himself, was not required to be present. After the hearing my father-in-law was transferred to the Mary Stark Harper Center at Bryce Hospital. This place was an incredible blessing to my father-in-law and our family. At this in-patient facility, he was placed on a cocktail of medications which calmed his violent tendencies and for the 16 remaining months of his life, he was peaceful.

One of the hardest things my husband has ever done was to testify that his father was a danger to himself and others. However, he knew if his father had 5 minutes of sanity, he would choose to be committed a million times rather than harm anyone once. If you are in this situation, you can console yourself with that

Margeaux-
Shoes down the stairs brings back memories. I was 13 or 14 and at the dinner table my mom got into a heated discussion about school integration. I was dismissed from the dinner table and went to go downstairs to my room. I was followed by a phone book that also hit me in the head. My mom never could tolerate disagreements of any sort. And being the oldest, I broke her in for the other two self-centered, narcissistic sisters.

Alison,

What on earth!!!!! This admitted behavior by you about your brother, should in no way, shape or form be tolerated. You can read and listen to all the advice you want about setting boundaries. But if you don't put things in order in your own way of thinking, then it's only theories.

I had someone in my life until just a few years ago, who behaved like this, which was mom's narcissistic sister. She bullied my sister and me very much because we are the women in the family. My two brothers, not so much.

Although, she didn't quite agress upon us as much as you've indicated your brother has, still she managed to do it one tooooo many times, IMO. Here too,
because mother had this sick co-dependent relationship w/her, our aunt was allowed full reign.

About 12 yrs. ago when my dad was in the peak of his cancer, I was living at my parents. So was she, because truth be told.....they always somehow allowed her to cross boundaries and live there at the family home, for a variety of reasons.
One day on my way to work about 8:00 a.m., I got to the bottom of the stairs.
She literally threw a pair of shoes, one hitting my head as I was on my way out the door. Shortly after this, she unfortunately enticed me into a physical encounter with her. Mind you, she was an elder of about 81 yrs., of age. Do you think that either of my parents put a stop to it? As demonstrated by comments to me made by both dad and mom,, it was abundantly obvious they'd taken her side. I hate to have to put it this way, but I think my two parents were two weenies, when it came to how they viewed her, they let her get away with murder. The final blow for me came out of this fight.....which basically I was fending her off, because she made the first move on me. Later, mom asked me,
why I would do something like this, also, that her sister was planning to report me. Well, this is ALL, I had to hear, wasn't like the physical fight was bad enough. This has a lot to do with, why later after dad passed, I was very up front w/mother telling her, I could no longer live in that household, given her sister was there. I was done! I'm sure part of the reason, that I'm not the main caregiver, now for mother. You see, we inherited the care of that battle ax, (our aunt) because she had no children.

Really, the only way to put a boundary between you and this kind of abuse, is to stop physically going there, as in visiting. Sometimes, unfortunately we really have to take these kinds of steps. Don't forget.....you place yourself in danger, if he's barricading and making these kinds of threats towards you.

Be strong, be careful,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

just lost a post - will try again later - wanted to say you are doing a good thing Alison re your bro. Well done!
wanted to address others and I will after I have had a nap

All I want to do this weekend is sleep and eat chocolate! I think I am recovering from something more than the head bang. My sinuses have been quite sore but getting better. Sleep is a good thing. We are on severe thunderstorm watch, and the weather is cool and muggy - good for napping.

More later

Margeaux, my brother doesn't criticize my caregiving so much... I think he is just grateful, at the end of the day, that someone is looking after our dad and it doesn't have to be him.

He instead criticizes everything else about me and seems to view me in this extremely negative light, that really and truly is so uncalled for given my history... Example: for the past 15 years that I've lived out of the area, I never missed a single holiday season in Indianapolis, where my brother and other family live, and I always brought presents for his children, and for him and his wife, I've participated and helped out with the variety of holidays they host at their house... I've been a good sister to him, I really have. He typically greets me when I arrive "home for the holidays" with a sneer, a derogatory joke, or just ignores me... literally. I've always thought that behavior of his was just so hurtful, and I've never understood WHY he treats me like that? I mean, I can literally walk into his house with my suitcase, give lots of hugs and kisses to his children and wife, and he will sit in the living room and not even acknowledge my presence. I've told him that I feel hurt by his behavior, and he tells me I'm too sensitive and accuses me of making it "all about me". (This is his FAVORITE thing to tell me, btw, that I think everything is all about me. I hear it from him on a regular basis.) He has been a bully, a brute, a controller... it seemed that once a year or so for the past 20 years, we would have a physical confrontation. And that is a leftover dysfunctional behavior on his part from our childhood, where he did "beat me up" pretty frequently. We kids raised ourselves, pretty much. We had a completely absentee father and a single mother who worked a lot, and even when home she spent her time with her life's distractions of compulsive shopping/hoarding, and church activities to the nth. So we kids grew up, really, without parenting at all. And so older bro's brutality and cruelty to me, which in a "normal home" would have been stopped by a parent, just went on into, literally, adulthood, and continues, at times, to this very day.

And he was very cruel, physically and mentally, all throughout childhood and high school. I really believed, based on what he told me about myself, that I was pretty worthless... that no man (boy) would or could ever really like me or love me, I was unattractive, I was too skinny, I was a geek, etc. He was extremely manipulative and extremely selfish. He has also been very arrogant his entire life. He seems to truly believe he is an exceptionally gifted, intelligent, and talented man, naturally better somehow than other people. His wife, who was his childhood sweetheart, seems (to me) to be almost unnaturally supportive and tolerant of him, and while I'm happy that they have a good marriage, to me it makes so much sense why he picked her for a wife... she's one of the few women in the world that I can see putting up with all of his arrogance and allowing him to just "rule" over her in every way.

The day of my GMs wake was the last physical fight my brother started with me. He was completely out of line, he thought I did or said something that didn't happen, and so he called me into a side bedroom away from others, shut the door behind him, and proceeded to get "in my face" and hiss at me how he was going to "show me how evil he could be." I was completely blindsided by his sudden temper, as I always am... he seems to just flash this violence towards me out of nowhere... and he barricaded me in the bedroom while I cried and yelled at him to let me leave. I tried to push him out of the way of the door but he wouldn't let me out, standing over me, trying to intimidate me with his much bigger size, and kept telling me what a piece of sh*t I was, and all this other just mean and derogatory stuff. And he has a REGULAR pattern of doing this kind of thing with me, even now, as I am 38 and he is now 40. It seems he has mellowed some as he has grown as a father to his four children, but my brother still views me - for reasons truly unknown to me - as his "competition" which must be crushed at times...

At least this is my take on it.

I choose to apologize to my brother even if I've done nothing wrong, if apologizing will avoid an argument. I try to act "submissive" and "subservient" around him... this seems to be what he seeks from me. And the detachment is helping a lot because now, I don't even seem to get all the whirling, confusing emotions that have surrounded my relationship with him all my life... now, I feel a bit more like I can just choose to see him as the idiot he is (lol), and just let him be. He still tries to pick fights but I've learned to simply NOT GO THERE with him.

Thanks, Margeaux, for asking me about my bro and giving me a chance to put some of this stuff into words. I find, for me, its really helpful to write down the concise ideas about how I feel, and how I view family relationships. Otherwise, it just seems like a big icky muddle in my mind.

(((hugs))) to all, hope everyone is having a lovely Sunday!

I think it is great all of you caregivers are so supportive of each other and pass on what works for you-I found detaching from the husband for even a short time helped-I just ignored his outbursts at time and told him I did not hear him. It is amazing how friends can ignor what they see-we become invisible-everyone always said how good he looked not giving me credit for the hours it took me to have him looking good while I looked like something the cat dragged into the house-here on AC others get it-if I had to do it over again I would not be so vain and try to do it all myself.

New2~I am going to by your name on here...New2dementia!! Many patients with dementia do what is called show timing...meaning they put on a show for dr. appts. and other family members who do not see them often so they can pull off presenting themselves as normal. It works for short periods of a time...then the reality comes back because they can not maintain it for more than a couple days. There is also the fact that you are moms primary caregiver...living with her 24/7 so she is most comfortable in expressing her real self with you. The primary caregiver who lives with a parent whether dementia is involved or not, takes out their frustration on that person. While it is nott right or fair...it is what happens...this is where setting boundaries even with a parent with dementia is so important. What i did with my mom...being the primary caregiver but not living with her was...I changed my thinking toward her. Because my mother has a personality disorder which makes her narcissistic...as the Alz progressed, I started treating everything with my mother as though it was Alz related. It made it so much easier for me to relate to her. One the day that worked I always went over between 4-5 pm to give her medication, on the days I was off, I went over around 10am, took her out shopping got all errands done, then went back between 4-5pm to give meds. I know that living with someone is very different, but you can leave the room when your mom becomes combative... if she can be left alone for short periods of a time, leave and go for a 30 minute drive or walk. If your mother is more advanced, can't be left alone...call the Area Agency on Aging to find out what programs they offer that your mother may qualify for. Then set up some respite time for yourself because you are going to have to think of yourself as an only child since your brother is not on board with what is going on. Besides respite time for you, they can help with home health care and your mother may be cooperative with people outside family like mother is. If your father was a veteran, your mother will probably benefit from help through the VA system. Keep posting and let us know how we can help...Big hugs to you!!!

gladimhere~I have read the same thing about stopping Namenda with some patients. Is your mom's dr. a PCP or a geriatric or neurologist? In my own experiences, I have found that there is a lot of propaganda about certain drugs and CERTAINLY, everyone can react differently. There definitely are people who are more prone to problems because of allergies to ingredients that are commonly used in medications. In my mother case, she only started to have issues with prescription medications when it became law to include a list of side effects in the paperwork. This does not mean I ignore her concerns about a drug she is taking. I research it and I talk with her dr. because there is the off chance she is having a side effect. From what I understand about Namenda is that it will slow progression but not stop it. If your mother's prescribing dr. is a neurologist, I would talk more with him/her to determine the outcome. A general PCP is not a specialist and in many cases, they lack the experience...not the knowledge...just the experience which speaks volumes in these issues. I hope that helps you!!Hugs my friend!!

Has anyone stopped Namenda? My mom's doc mentioned taking her off of it because she has been on it probably six years. He doesn't think that it is doing anything for her any longer. But, I have heard some frightening stories about rapid decline when it is stopped but also stories of not much change. At this point I would be afraid to take her off because of the rapid decline possibility. She tried Exelon patch and it caused her to hallucinate and have terrifying dreams.

SharynMarie & Bookluvr,
She is fine when my brother is here....but when I'm alone with her here...she becomes combative. We historically have never had a positive relationship. But it's not fair for my brother to be here all the time, he has his own place. He doesn't realize that him being her makes her calm. I have been away for 30 plus years. My brother has lived in the same city with her. So there is that factor. And, whenever she talks to her sister long distance that just causes more combative behavior because her sister has Dementia too but tells my mother that she can drive and do whatever she wants. So I have resorted to turning the ringer off of the phone in her bedroom and turning off the answering machine just to avoid the drama of her sister stirring the pot.
My brother is in denial and doesn't understand why she blows up when he goes and is fine when he's here. Clearly I'm a trigger for her combative behavior although I pay all the bills, do all the shopping, make sure all of her meds are refilled and picked up, put them in the pill box, clean, do laundry cook, etc.
My brother will take her out for rides when she feels up to it.
I basically have not relationship with her and keep to myself. Just one conversation with me could cause her to snap so I don't want to take that chance. I have to take care of myself .
I'm at the point where if she takes her other meds she takes them, if she doesn't she doesn't. There is only so much I can do. I have put Aricept in with her morning meds until I hear from her Drs. hopefully they will contact me Monday. This all happened Friday evening.
I will ask about the Namenda but she is so sensitive to drugs she notices any change that makes her feel different. So if the neurologist, I don't know how we are going to introduce her to it. If it's a different color she will notice it and take all the pills except that one esp if it makes her "feel different"

SharynMarie & Bookluvr,
Thanks for your feed back. She wouldn't take it but sporadically for a week, so I don't know if it was working or not. I called her Dr's and told them she threw out the pills. I asked her primary care doctor to approve a home nurse to come in and draw blood because she typically get's her blood work once a month with her monthly visit to her doctor. I always ask for a UTI test because that's how all of this started when she was hospitalized last year.
So far each month she has not had a UTI but she has not had a blood test in 2 months. So....I'm not sure if the Exelon was too much or just had horrible effects on her or if it's something else. But getting her to go into the Doctor is so HARD! So I have alerted all of her doctors but she needs to get lab work to rule out something like a UTI.

New2~Google side effects of Namenda you will see a long list but like I said, my mom has not had any side effects and she has been taking it since April. Exelon and Namenda both can come in liquid form according to the internet. Using a liquid may work better than crushing the pills, and with crushing pills you need to check with the dr. because I have read that the effectiveness of a pill when crush may be compromised. What Book suggested is great with the jelly or jam and if your mother has only recently started this behavior, get her checked for a UTI as with many elderly, there will be no symptoms but they will hallucinate from the infection and it can become very serious. I gotta get back to work, talk more later.

New2, did your mom give it enough time to make the meds work? Or did she throw it and now you don't know. As she progresses in her disease, she will become suspicious of being poisoned. The same applies when they have UTI. They will absolutely refuse to take the pills. IF the meds can be crushed (need to call pharmacy to verify), that would be the best way for her to take it. IF the NH is willing and have the time to do it consistently, can they crush her pills and put it in her food? Don't put crushed pills (bitter) with another bitter or acidic food like apple sauce or yogurt. You don't want to put it in puddings because puddings are smooth and she will taste the grainy crushed pills and get suspicious. If they can put the crushed pills in jelly/jam, it's very sweet and would cover the bitterness of the crushed pills. And we all know that there are jelly/jam that is grainy ...so she won't be suspicious. With her suspicious nature, that's the only way I can think of for her to take her pills.

SharynMarie, My mom fought the effects of the Exelon like a child fighting sleep. She did not like the effects of Exelon at all. She dumped the entire bottle down the toilet last night. She sporadically took it for a week. Last night she kept calling her sister saying I was trying to kill her by insisting that she take her meds and said she was going to get her license to drive again. What a nightmare!!!! I called her Dr's as a precaution to let them know what was going on. The nurse on call suggested ER to get checked out but that would have been impossible for me alone.
Her Neurologist mentioned Namenda once. What are the side effects? I'm giving her Aricept while waiting for Neurologist to call. I have no idea as to what to do. She is also on an anti depressant Lexapro.
Any feedback on Namenda would be greatly appreciated.

Allison,

I'm glad that you took a look at EFT. It is a good technique, works for me.

My sister, as a child was always more the rebel than I ever was during that time.
Add to this, that our mother conquered and divided the siblings, and even my dad participated in this. Both my parents played favorites. Even though, my mom and my sister had lots of tension between them, ....she was acknowledged for many things such as intelligence and beauty way more than I was.
On top of all of that, my sister is an extremely jealous person, by nature and also her birth sign....guess which one she is?

My sister even as a kid had this way of domineering a variety of situations.
She's a year younger than me, and I started to behave in certain ways, that were not assertive, when I really should have been. Why? I wanted to be liked.
Yes, the people pleaser syndrome. I know that when we don't get validated, and especially when we are children, as in my own case, I was in charge of the three other siblings for two working parents. So I get it that if a child doesn't get what they should be getting from a parent, we start to try to compensate in other ways, by seeking some approval, acceptance from others, be that a sibling, or another family member. My sister has always been critical, and judgmental too, so many things I was always about, or doing always came under some weird scrutiny of my sister's. But when I became a teen, that changed dramatically. I finally grew out of and tired of seeking approval by someone who after some analysis....I thought, My sister can have a really cruel side to herself. By then....I'd heard from enough friends too who invariably would complain to me about some unkindness, my sister had committed. Later, as we became adults,
I by now really changed my whole attitude about my manipulative sister, and we really went our separate ways, so to say. I just could not relate to her at all.
Part of that was the realization, that although some of us would like to see the good in our brothers, sisters or even friends......there really has to be something tangible coming from their end too, in order for this to happen.

If all your brother does is berate you, he is the one with the problem......and there's really no fixing that. They have to be the ones to change some of this, then maybe they'd deserve to be admired..

If I may ask, does he criticize you for the way you are caregiving for your father?

Take care,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Emjo,

I want to wish you a Happy Birthday.
May your year be wonderful, and bestow many blessings!
Yummy....prawns, herbs and roasted vegetables.
I hope you had a great one with Gary.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Hi Emjo, I hope you’re feeling better today than you were yesterday.

Karen, sounds like your mom wants out and is trying to find ways to get kicked out. Or finding ways to get you to visit her? It’s definitely an attention-getting behavior. Well, just continue as you are doing. Congrats on being a mother-in-law! And it sure helps when you love the bride! =)

Powerof1, you are sooo fortunate that your mom’s attitude changed about NH. Yeah, go for that vacation and enjoy yourself.

Gladimhere- you are not the only one that I have read on this site who have a sibling in the counseling profession. I remembered last year, the very first time I read a poster who couldn’t believe her sibling is a counselor and did not help at all with the caregiving. Did not offer any help –physically or financially. It just bogs the mind, doesn’t it?

Hi Margeaux, I hope the stresses have toned down a bit now?
Sharynmarie, I enjoyed your story of your mom being a determined escape artist! And that she’s actually up there dancing a storm. She’s definitely beginning to enjoy her stay but still trying to make her great escape.

Newtodementia~My mom is taking Namenda, and antidepressant called Citalopram, Xanx only when needed. She has always been sweet and nice to people outside the family so the person they see in memory care is a sweet woman, however, they have witnessed her outbursts toward my sister. My mom wears, what looks like a watch on her wrist, but it is security device because she has tried many times to exit the doors in memory care,LOL!! My mom the escape artist!! She does enjoy the community she is in.....the activity director is great!! She gets the residents moving with light exercises to music...they will use these long soft cylinders to wave as they move either one arm or both, then the shoulders. She gets them up dancing!! She said my mom will dance with her quiet often and that my mom is a very good dancer. She always loved to dance. I am going to find out when they do the dancing and hope its on my day off because I want to go and take pics of mom.

I am glad to hear your mother is responding to the Exelon pills. I am very happy with the Namenda because it seems to have stabilized the progression for the time being. My mom would take off the patch too!!

Thanks Margeaux! Yes - my dad was wonderful - and enabler - but he was set up for it with his alcoholic dad - but he was as sweet as can be - everyone loved him! After he passed my mom and I actually started to get a long better - odd - as I had always felt like the "other woman" and thought that was creepy. Now I get it - I was in a sense... Yes - when I was telling my mother he was getting married - she didn't really seem to care. 12 years for the loss of your dad - so sorry!!

My mother was recently given Excelon after being on Aricept for 6 months due to her increasing combative behavior and and wanting to drive...in addition or narcissist personality issues.
We feel my mother is "fighting" the effects of the Excelon (it's only been a week) because she does not like the way it makes her feel. Almost like a baby fighting sleep. But we do see a difference in her combativeness. It's better or doesn't last as long if she takes the Excelon. The problem is....getting her to take the pill. She would rip off the patch in a heart beat :-(

Hi SharynMaire, What medications was your mother taking? My mother was recently given Excelon after being on Aricept for 6 months due to her increasing combative behavior and and wanting to drive...in addition or narcissist personality issues.
We feel my mother is "fighting" the effects of the Excelon (it's only been a week) because she does not like the way it makes her feel. Almost like a baby fighting sleep. But we do see a difference in her combativeness. It's better or doesn't last as long if she takes the Excelon. The problem is....getting her to take the pill. She would rip off the patch in a heart beat :-(

Sad1daughter,

It is hard to have those anniversaries come up, especially about a father.
Mine has been gone now going on 12 yrs., and every March 3'd, I go through this.
He must have been a wonderful guy.

So your son got married? Congratulations! Well this is good news, because I remember you posted something about your mom having I think it was a very indifferent attitude about it. Yes, it's less work. It's great to hear that you really love your new DIL.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

sharynmarie - she is on a very low dose of anti-anxiety meds - and the dr doubled it - however, since her regular dr was on vacation - it was another dr - she knows her doctors name and the meds that she should have- so she refuses to take it. I just got a crush order from the dr to put it in her food. Then I just got off the phone with an organization who helps with placements - just to make sure she was in a good place - had a fantastic conversation with a woman who gave me the best advise - do some cut and paste letters praising where she is and give her the letters! She just wants validation that she is well taken care of - so devise it! Brilliant!

On the conversation about husbands at home - God love them - but mine just retired last year - and I work from home....I pine for just an hour a day alone =).

Joan - please take care of yourself - you did take a really bad fall! The allergy to the meds really don't help. Lots and lots of water!

Thanks all - Happy Friday!

Karen