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Getting there, Karen and Margeaux - My head pain was compounded by an allergic reaction to the pain pills I was taking so that my sinuses acted up badly and it was hard to tell what caused what. I got some liquid form of the painkiller which seems alright. Quite a few meds - prescription or OTC have something in them that I am allergic to - maybe lactose. The allergic reaction is settling down which means I can better assess the other head stuff. This week is better than last week, but it is not gone yet, and I have been sleeping heavily a couple of hours in the daytime each day. I now have more of a funny feeding in my head rather than much pain, which I consider progress. I am able to concentrate as long as I am not tired. So I would say I am healing and the bruise is too. They will probably take about the same time. I haven't seen my doc as it was already getting better by the time I realised, but will mention it to him next time I go in. Gary is going away for another week+ weekends so I will have more time to post. We had a great evening supper out on my birthday - tiger prawns with herbs and roasted veg, and a last night a lovely evening together at home. He is such good company. I miss our evenings at home when he is away. But other times, margeaux, like you, I can't wait for him to go so I can have some peace and quiet! Ah we women - we are never satisfied!!!
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Oh for crying out loud! Much of my post was chopped off.
O.K., dock in later.....have to tend to my birds, and I hope I can reconfigure,
gosh, darn!

Margeaux
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Beneath some of this stubborn behavior is her drinking.
People who drink, do have attitude and after they're trying to dry out......their mood is not good, at all. Anyway, I just wanted to mention some of this, because I know some of my friends here have issues w/alcoholics.
I really had to put a boundary here with her too, because, sometimes I feel as if she's trying to prove something to me.

Margeaux
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All, thanks for your comments and I have been on this thread for awhile and check in nearly daily, don't always write, but reading other experiences that are so similar to mine is helpful. With two uncooperative sibs, and another uncooperative aunt, who thinks mom's cobwebs will be cleaned out on a way, it is stressful. If not for mom and her gratitude, I would have bailed along time ago.

I chuckle at my last post myself, and it was very much a vent, but feedback is important too. The situation is mom forgets her parents died 12 and 50 years ago as well as a sister that died 60 years ago. Counselor sib thinks that antidepressants will "fix" that issue. Just absurd!!

So, my apologies if any of you were insulted by my last post, but at least I have a place to vent with many people that are in the same situation.

Thank you all!
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Emjo,

Wow! That must have been a nasty fall you took.
My neighbor had a fall last Jan., and at first...by the bump on her head I thought, she probably had a concussion. She adamantly insisted that, "no." Although,
I know some of this insistence comes from the fact that she drinks too much.
A few weeks later, when I was assisting her w/her venous leg procedure, she mentioned now they'd told her she had a concussion. Just as I suspected.
Just days after the fall, I ran into her as she was off to her doctor's to have it checked in town, as she took the fall out of town. I saw her leaving, and asked her if she was o.k., to drive, because she looked very spacey, and quite unsteady in her gait. But again, she stubbornly insisted, "I'm o.k," and dashed off to her appointment.

Well, I know that you do self care, and will take it easy.
I'm happy for your that your grandson's birthday went well, and they weren't noisy.

How is your mom doing, as I understand she went to the hospital again.

I too Emjo, can't wait at times for my husband to leave. This is really when I know he is meeting people. He is very pokey about getting ready, meanwhile I'm just waiting for him to go out the door and I can have some down time away from him for myself. Right now in particular...we have both had cabin fever after that procedure, which was exactly 2 wks. ago. This man, honestly thought he was just going to get up and start doing and running around. We went beyond the catheter stage of last week, and this week was all about keeping him on a high fiber diet. He felt somewhat irregular, and I did have to remind him that he had to rest, but also get up and take at least some small walks. He does walk w/in the apartment, but I was encouraging him to take a short walk down the street.
This definitely helps when one is irregular, something that he doesn't like to actively do. So tomorrow we are going to a memorial tribute for the friend he lost at the end of June. The organization is doing the tribute for that. I feel he is o.k.,
to go to this, as it is in the afternoon. But, then he received an email from some friend who is a singer. She's doing a show at a night club tonight. He already mentioned it to me on Tues., saying he would like to go. Truth be told, I don't think we should go to this. It's not exactly close to home, Friday night.....then we've the memorial the next day. But this is one of the issues I have with my husband. We'll see, and really I don't have the wherewithall right now to get worked up, and stress the point to him about not going. I reached my physical and emotional limit days ago. So I'm just not going there.

I hope you get better from your head.
I'll keep you in my thoughts, Emjo.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux
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Sad1~Can you possibly get your mother on some medication, either through her dr. or a psychiatrist that would help keep her calmer? It is just a thought. I know many people are hesitant about using psych drugs but sometimes it becomes necessary. My mother was calling us 14-18 times a day when we first moved her to the memory care unit, leaving nasty messages, hanging up on us. I have caller ID so I would only answer once a day but because sis has a harder time ignoring her calls, I had the phone removed from her room. She would still call from the nurses office but only a couple times a week. They also have a phone that they can put in her room where she can only receive calls but call out. We are going to try that with her. My heart goes out to you as you deal with her rage, it is so upsetting having to deal with someone who just refuses to cooperate and accept boundaries.

Gladimhere~I have been thinking about your situation and this is what I have done. My mom would ask about her brothers...I would tell her they have all passed away. She would be shocked...she didn't get upset or cry but was shocked. I finally stopped telling her and would just say they are doing fine. She accepted that and hasn't ask anymore about them.

power of1~I can relate to a parent siding everyone against one another...that was my mother during our entire childhood. Mostly it was directed toward our father because mom was very jealous of any of us having a relationship with him...sad huh!! Poor dad...he was no saint by any means but he did not deserve that treatment either. However, we my 2 siblings who live close all recognize mom as the manipulating person she has always been so we are all now on the same page. Doesn't always turn out that way with a dysfunctional family. Mom has Alzheimer's and is in memory care now. My brother is not too involved with her partly because of his health issues and meds he is taking that lower his immune system so dr's advised him to avoid places where people gather together in public with children or the elderly. My sister is primary on mom's DPOA and I am secondary but we work together. I live locally near mom so I take care of all the medical and her supplies. Sis handles all the finances and supplies plus she will fill in for me if I can't get her in to a non emergency dr. appt. I also run back and forth between my house and mom's (we haven't sold it yet) to water the gardens, put out the yard waste for pick up (we have a yard service that mows her lawn weekly). We both also work. I understand your situation where you can't keep up with your home, visiting mom daily and all the other duties. I find I struggle keeping up at home, trying to finish painting projects and redos in our home with my hubby. I hope you keep posting here and welcome!!
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Need to share this - today is the anniversary of my precious dad passing - 5 years. It has been a day of sadness until today. My middle son who was planning on getting married in our backyard in October announced that he and his fantastic fiancée got married today in Mendocino - I am so very happy! Sad that I missed the event - but they are both a little on the private side - and my husband had a premonition...so not too surprised - my husband is good at that! So - we will be having a reception instead - less stress - and I have my first DIL! I love her to pieces - and am thrilled! Just wanted to share =) Have a most fantastic evening all!
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joan (emjo) - are you feeling better after your fall?? I hope so!!
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Gladimhere,

I must tell you, that the manner in which you wrote your post, at least for me didn't invite a response. You made some statements, followed by several wouldn't questions. I think many of us need some clarification about your family.
I was confused, and wondering....well is she talking about someone who has just been told the parents died as in a current fact, or as in to someone w/ALZ, or Dementia, where one has to remind the person.

The clearer we are as readers, maybe you'll get some ideas from people.
Many times I don't post to some people because I just don't have anything pertinent to offer. Other times....as in the last month for me, I was having lots of stress of my own, so had to do lots of re-reads.

The meaning of the "clique," is defined as a small exclusive groups of friends or associates. I have to say, that I think the people you mentioned in the clique,
many who have been posting over a year already have become friends.
We've had many people visit this thread. Some don't stay long, others do.
Some come back and forth, so I wouldn't call it small. But definitely, I would not say that it is exclusive. We always welcome everybody and share stories, and valuable information. So even if you feel stressed, or grumpy......hopefully you won't be a drive by poster either, and you can benefit.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux
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Powerof1 - wow - we could be sisters! LOL - I have a brother that has completely checked out - has no interest or intension of helping. Last time I heard from him was Mother's Day when he asked about the trust, if he was still in it, and he would see me at the funeral! My dad also left mom comfortable and is lucky I can put her in a $4500 facility - that she hates! My manipulative, narcissistic mother also has forever pit my brother and I against each other so much so that we have no relationship. It has always been about her and whoever treated her the best was the golden child. Now that no one is treating her best - she is raging and taking it out of the staff and residence where she is.
It is nice to hear that you mom got used to it - I thought things were better - but the last 3 weeks have been horrible - as I have backed off. Setting boundaries is not for the faint of heart! Sounds like you can use - and deserve a great vacation! My recommendation on that - Kauai!
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oh boy, does this fir me too! I have two siblings - one said he doesn't care who takes care of Mom as long as he doesn't have to and the other... well she tried to steal all mom's money! Dad left mom "comfortable" not rich, but... she and her greedy hubby tried to get their hands on it! My daughter and I saw through this right from the start and we sat Mom down to talk to her. That didn't work! Then she got hit right between the eyes so to speak, and finally knew my daughter and I were telling her the truth. What resulted was very painful for mom, and she did lose a lot of cash but not all of it.

On the flip side, Mom is extremely manipulative and the things she has done to pit the three of us against one another... it is that old negative attention is better than no attention... that is Mom. Once the decision was made for mom to go to assisted living, my sister thought it was a green light to come and clean her out. I had to physically stop her by telling her Mom is only moving she is not DEAD! THEN... she did get the silver and after I raised a ruckus with my mother because I have a letter from Mom stating she is to get nothing, then told her she could have the silver... because she did not want to be the bad guy; she then told me well I want you to call her and tell her to bring it back. OOOHHHHH NO! that is your job mom... you are NOT going to make ME the heavy on this. She didn't and won't either.
Setting boundaries has been tough. When mom was really sick and we thought we were going to lose her, I spent a lot of time with her at the nursing home. BUT... she has done a 180 and is doing really well. I have backed off, it hit her hard but I can't clean my home to move back in, clean out her home to sell it, take care of her finances and health care, and issues that have arisen @ the nursing home... if I am there every day. She cried, and I felt bad, but she got used to it and has become a social butterfly. So happy she has changed her attitude. It has taken some of the pressure off. I have gotten some of my life back and I am even planning a vacation... can't wait!
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I have always found that lots of councilors get into counseling to help with their own problems....take some of what is said with a grain of salt!

so - Need to vent a bit. Since I have acknowledged my mothers NPD and started walking out and not visiting as much and ending phone calls - my mother has been raging in the Assist living. This is the email I just got: " I know you know that Linda always complained of the food and we are trying our best to really make her happy. But yesterday after she had her dinner she walked back to the dining room and telling everyone how bad the food was and then she threw the plate on the table and pull the table cloth on the floor with some residents still in the dining room. Jolene heard it and went there and told her nicely not to do it but she keeps on talking some upsetting words.



This morning Alma mentioned to me that Linda told her what happened yesterday that there are 2 ladies yelled at her and she said that she is about to call the Ombudsman. I just want to let you know that it is not true, no one yelled at Linda. And Alma told me that she called me nuts because she said I tell everything to you, which is fine with me. I know it's hard to handle Linda but sometimes some residents already complained about her because she is too loud in the dining room." Thoughts? Suggestions? Martinis?

I am guessing that it is because I have not been there in a month - and have not played the game so to say...I do have to say though - when I spoke to her a few days ago when another incident happened she sounded pretty clear and with it - she just wants out of that place - and doesn't seem to care now where she goes. My fear of course is I do move her - and then after a month - she hates that place. Not really in the position to play revolving assist living homes. I have been saying that they don't have private baths, or there is a waiting list etc. Doesn't seem to be helping..

Thanks for being there everyone - (((HUGS))) to all.

Karen
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Gladimhere~I hope you got everything worked out with your online project. I would think if more than person had the same problem, they will accept it. That is a shame your sister has a degree in counseling but doesn't understand how things work with Alz/dementia or taking antidepressants. I took antidepressants for several years, prozac which worked great, paxil not much improvement for me, and then wellbutrin was fantastic. My depression is always situational.

Alison~Yes, thank you, today was better. I have licked my wounds and moved on by learning some new lessons in life,LOL!!

I went to the community to see how mom was doing today. Talked with the head nurse. He says that he believes mom is having an allergic reaction to something. Idk if I told you that a couple weeks ago mom's tongue was bright red as well as her lips. i asked them if she was having an allergic reaction to something. They are going to monitor what she eats and other things like bath soap, laundry soap,etc. Both times, this has happened in the evenings. The nurse said that the rash was on her face as well. Last night I did not see a rash but I am not a nurse or dr. I will be keeping a close watch on things. They have the benedryl on hand now but I want to know what could be causing the reaction. We took a walk with the dog, talked about moving her furniture home...same old thing but pleasant.
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Hi all,

Gladimhere, I have to admit I kind of giggled at first when I read your comment re "cliquish group." My first gallows-sense-of-humor thought was "you don't WANT to belong to this 'club'" lololol! But there's no clique, just get in where you fit in, and in my experience, it takes a few posts to start to understand the dynamics of the individual threads on AC... but we couldn't possibly ask for better, nicer, more understanding, decent human beings to correspond with and get advice from, gain insight from. I read your post the other day as a "vent"... in other words, something that we want to get off our chest, air out to the world, and we don't really seek response. I personally really enjoy the chance to be of support to others here, since I get so much from the use of this site, but also, when others are dealing with more serious issues, or things I have no experience with, then I tend to not comment because I just don't quite know what to say and a little bit I fear saying the wrong thing.

...ramble, ramble...

Hope everyone had a decent Wednesday? Sharyn, I hope today was better for you. I think validation is very important, and thats a good point... Joan, hope that achy head of yours heals up very soon. I got a touch of a sinus/ear infection this week and it reminded me of how Not Fun being "sick" is. I'm so glad it rarely happens to me anymore. (Juicing, people, juicing... lol... I don't get sick like I used to, its wonderful!) This old house I'm living in needs the HVAC ducts cleaned out so badly, and I'm in the process of getting that arranged. I have no history of sinus infections and I've had about 6 in past 12 months... ugh. Margeaux, hope hubby is continuing to heal up nicely. Hope all is well with you.

That's it for me today, no new drama, same old drama, lol! Hugs to all.
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Cmagnum,

How are you doing? I am so glad for you that your wife came out of the surgery, and is recovering now. Yes, this liquid diet I'm sure is hard for her, as well as for you.

My husband also had a hernia procedure, this week w/be week #2, post-op.
His was of the Inguinal type. We had to go the catheter route last week, just after the surgery, got through that, they removed it after a few days. Now, we're dealing with keeping him regular. I've been avoiding things such as rice, and richer foods. It's been somewhat of a challenge over here.

Well, I'm glad to hear that you are losing the weight. Seems unfair that one orders these meals, and you can't take it with you.

All right my friend, I wish you and your wife well, you....hang in there!
I'm thinking about both of you.

Hugs, Much Love & Light! Margeaux
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Old it sounds like you made good progress in setting boundaires-A counsular once told me I was waiting for someone to rescue me and it was not going to happen-I had to rescue myself-that is when I started setting boundaires-baby steps at first but when things were better and the sky did not fall I learned to build on that and before the husband died-which was unexpected he had to realize I was no longer a doormat-now my life is good I am in love with a nice man who appreciates me-he had a wife very much like my husband and we both are happy with each other and feel privlidged to have a good kind person in our lives-since we know the other side-of having spouses who took advantage to our good natures.
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That is a HUGE class. Can't even imagine - but a great opportunity.

(((((((hugs))))))) I have sympathy for you and your frustration with your sis. Mine has a 2 yr diploma in counselling on top of a regular degree, and doesn't have much more sense than yours. I don't think she has accepted the diagnosis of BPD and attributes it to age while the personality has been there all our lives. Sounds like yours is in denial too. She obviously doesn't have a clue about Alz. and your mum's condition. Have to agree I wouldn't want her or my sis counselling me and I feel sorry for those they do work with. Have you sent here any information about Alz? Not that she couldn't find it for herself if she wanted to. ((((((hugs)))) hang in there. I tend not to share things with my sis as it only results in trouble,
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Thank you Emjo and Sharyn. I don't know what the prof will do and is aware of the problem. I'm not the only one that had the same problem. But it is a huge online class through CourseEra, started with 22,000 in the class, a high of about 42,000, now 9,000 that are active and completing assignment. They have a class coming up about Alzheimer's and caregiving, They are completely free and taught by leading universities and professors.

I posted yesterday, extremely frustrated with my licensed professional counselor sibling who thinks that antidepressants will cure my mom's emotional upset when she thinks she had not been told about her parents deaths and did not attend the funeral. She is a freaking idiot and has no idea what this disease has done to her mother. How could she with three or four visits a year each about 2-3 hours. She was in tears at a rude comment her son made, most likely about his grandmother and her memory. Some therapist, huh? Wouldn't want her counseling me, that's for darn sure!! She has absolutely no clue what this disease does to people and especially her own mother.
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gladimhere~I am sorry. I admit I have been self absorbed. Usually I try to acknowledge new posters but if someone else has given them great info, then I don't respond. You are important to us so please keep posting.
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glad - sorry you are feeling grumpy. Can you get your project posted in the other area. The prof may be able to help if you contact him or her. Sounds like an honest mistake.

re cliques - Some of us do interact more than others because some post more. than others. Have your posts not been responded to? Generally I try to respond to everyone's posts but the last week or so have not been able to due to a sore head - literally. I can't comment on others. Hope you will keep posting.
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OK, I'm grumpy today, I'm the first to admit it. Emjo, Sharyn, Juju, Margeaux, and a few others this seems like a cliquish group. I'm especially grumpy because I just finished an online class and submitted my final project only to find out there were two areas I had to submit it to. So, who knows what the prof will do, my project was obviously complete, just not posted in both areas. Each night before I go to sleep I check in on this thread to see what other sorts of things you other caregivers from dysfunctional families have to deal with which at times is therapeutic and I thank each of you for that.
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Sad1~I am happy the post about detaching was helpful for you. How is your mother doing? I hope she is settling down some.
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After reading everyones posts I realized that I really didn't think about validation being very important. Everyones input gave me a light bulb moment. Thank you all for that and I will work on validating my sister more. Hugs to you all!!
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Joan~LOL!! We all are doing a great job. Just like raising children, we learn as we go.
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sharyn - don't chastise yourself for such a small thing. The Benadryl won't hurt your mum. You are doing a great job! Admit it!!! lol
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Just so you know...in the future, i will not agree to giving her benedryl for this. I was caught off guard and I really don't think she needed it. This is where I need to think quicker for moms benefit. I made a mistake and will have to be quicker in my response not just going by what they say.
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Just got back from seeing mom. The community called say she has a rash all over her body. They called the dr. but he hasn't called back. By the time I got there dr. had called saying to give her Benadryl sp?) I agreed because what she has is red spots on her belly....varying sizes from pin prick to regular mole sizes. I have them too and the dr. told me back in my 30's when they showed up it has to do with pigment in the skin...worse case is it could be a liver issue but mom has had these for years. I went to Walgreens got Bemadryl. Gave it to her, dressed her for bed, and all is well. I talked with sis while at the community and told her not to come down. i will go back tomorrow before work to check on her but I don't think she will need any more benadryl. Hugs again and thanks for hearing me out!!
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lurking and waiting for my head to settle down - a friend says it will probably take another couple of weeks and I would say that is right if I could graph what has been happening. I have written a bit on other threads but find this one takes more concentration,

I think both of you, Alison, and sharyn hit on something (many things) important - the need for affirmation. We, who were grew up in dysfunctional families, may need it more that those who grew up in a more normal family, as they had it as children, and we did not - in fact, quite the opposite. I think both of you and others here are doing a wonderful job.

We struggle with some very deep and painful issues, and I am amazed at the human spirit which shows through even the worst struggles, Sharyn, there is nothing wrong in your head, believe me. That we are here, struggling against enormous odds to keep our compassion and ourselves in one piece speaks of courage and integrity of the highest order.

My hat is off to everyone.
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Alison~Thank you!! My eldest brother will have nothing to do with me. He has some contact with my second eldest brother and sister but it is limited. I tried to get him to meet in Idaho (a neutral territory) He lives in Montana. He wants nothing do to with us. He told my sis a couple months ago that he does not know me. Well,. that was why I reached out to him. I don't know him either. He decided a long time time ago to wash his hands of all of us. Unfortunately, my parents lived vicariously through my eldest brothers accomplishments. He was great at sports and received lots of recognition for it....but so did my parents. Our city was only about 14,000 then. High school football was a big deal for small agricultural city. With both parents working locally, they received lots of attention because my brother was very aggressive with sports. My parents put him on a pedestal very early (something many parents did with an eldest son).My whole childhood revolved around my brothers sports. My second oldest brother is only 11 months younger than my oldest...I have great memories of him playing with me. I don't have that with my eldest which is why I reached out to him. The point I am trying make in my clumsy way...is that I had to accept that my brother does not want a relationship. I could have offered to go to Montana but i am not comfortable doing that because his wife's older brother attempted to molest me when I was 14. It happened on their wedding day. They have a great relationship with her brother. I decided that it was best to let them just be as they are because my parents used that info about sil's brother to hurt them. Too much baggage, too many hurts for all of us. I sincerely mean it that you are doing great by your father regardless of the past. I enjoy your posts because you are very insightful. Thank you again!! My sister, love you and big hugs!!
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Sharyn, I think I have a way of speaking (and typing) that makes me sound rather composed... I will tell you very truthfully that I feel anything but when it comes to these emotional issues surrounding my mom and brother. I thought all my life that my sexually abusive and absentee father was my biggest emotional challenge... now... I'm not so sure.

All I know is that each and every time I interact with my older bro, I feel *bad* inside. I feel not sure of anything, like I am foolish and broken. And I don't know exactly how we, he and I, manage to do that dynamic year after year after year.

You know the idea that we interpret other's actions or words based on our own mindset at the time? I must've read something in your description of your relationship with sis that triggered some anger and resentment I have towards my bro... and I DO have a ton of anger towards him, at times. I'm trying so hard these days to move beyond that wasted emotion of anger and grow towards something else.

And I couldn't agree more than we need to know we are doing a good job. Maybe this need that I have for encouragement and emotional support is more an individual personality trait, more specific to me... maybe I am more like this than others?... but definitely I have this need, too. And the other day when you told me that I was doing a good job, it just warmed my insides. I crave encouragement. And I think thats why dealing with my overly critical Family is just so darn hard for me, at times, and why as a child I just crumbled and hated myself and my life so much... and now to be back here and confronted with it all over again... and my babbling on here is so much about how I'm try to analyze my way into Some level of understanding of wtf is going on with these lifelong relationships/emotions... but sharyn, your praise and encouragement makes all the difference to me. I'm just so thankful to have you, and the others here. You say you put out "self pity," I say you put out "helpful life changing lessons for me." So, thanks, sister! Hope you have a better tomorrow.
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