The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

I am feeling like I have everything all wrong in my head. Ladee, you complimented me but said you know I don't need. The point is everyone wants to know they are doing a good job, they are valuable. Do I personally tell my sister that she is valuable, yes I do. Probably not often enough. I tell her I love her, we make a great team together because what she doesn't think of I do and visa versa. Is it perfect no, but what ever is perfect.Am I walking away from her, no...I am giving her some space to work out her feelings.

Alison, my sister does not act arrogant towards me...I am sorry your brother does that to you. She has told me that she knows I have her on a pedestal which I don't. I see my sister as my equal but I think, because of our upbringing, she sees me as mom does...the helpless youngest child. I am not superior to my sister or anyone else...is acceptance important...yes we all want to feel we are accepted by others even if we are not as far along on our journey as they are. You are a very intelligent person, probably more emotionally mature that I am and you are on the right path.

Margeaux~When I said that I felt my sister set me up...I realize it was a wrong choice of words. What I mean is that she sets herself up to feel bad about herself. Mom will never validate either one of us even without the PD. To be honest with everyone, I would rather mom was raging at me instead of my sister. That I understand and can handle much better than her saying back to me that she loves me too. Whatever the dynamic is between me and mom or my sister and mom I can only offer support to both of them. I can't do anything else. Yes, I can give some of time to my sister to meet with her and mom to have dinner...really it isn't that much time...right? I can remind my sister to make sure she has something eat if she is meeting with mom alone so the stress and anxiety she feels is not interfering with her blood sugar. I can make sure I have cash on hand to give to mom if sis forgets. Do I want to have to monitor my sister...no I do not. Is it ok that sis forgot mom wanted cash...by all means yes it is understandable. That is why I gave what cash I had to mom...was I thinking I am the good guy now.....hell no I wasn't. I trust my sister completely...but I don't appreciate her comment. Was I not validated by my sister for doing it...no....did I expect to be...NO!

It has been a bad day for me so enough self pity. Hugs to all and I love everyone of you!!

Still so tired but the lil dog seemed to take me on a walk this evening was nice breeze out a pretty nite and they had fun sniffing every inch along the way, he pulled me to the dog area down the block, with grass area-10x20' hehehe but they love it anyway how small, he had to get there to poop in the middle!! that's my boy! got to get final paperwork in for payment to get construction started tonite review and done tomoro, all willing! Hang in there! Love n....
Peace,
Juju

Hi all! Happy Tuesday!

Today was spent at VA downtown Chicago with my father. We go there a few times per month for his different health issues. Lately, he seems to do really well with these doctor visits, enjoying the "outing" and he's come a long way towards accepting his current medical issues and doesn't seem to blame me for them anymore. So this is all very good. Things with my father and caregiving are going as well as can be expected at the moment. There are so many unknowns on the horizon but I try to just take things slow and not worry too much for right now... I remind myself that I am perfectly capable of dealing with whatever comes, and I can relocate if that's what I want to do... or whatever... so this is all good stuff, and I have a bit of peace surrounding my day to day, and caregiving, right now.

My other Family - specifically mom and older bro - are a completely different situation, however. Margeaux, sharyn, you mentioned that your siblings have a bit of a superiority complex towards you. This is by far the largest complaint I have of older bro - he is so arrogant, full of himself, so quick to belittle me in any and every way. It seems to me that he actually is conditioned to LOOK for the ways in which he can argue with me, or contradict me, or put me down. Its as if he NEEDS to do this behavior for some deep personal reason. And at SOME point, now that we are grown adults, you would think he would STOP being like this towards me. He is very narcissistic and controlling. And its frustrating: he doesn't appear to do this - at this level of outright snottiness and attitude - with anyone else except for me and my younger brother... I've been looking for ways to admire him, look up to him, all my life... I keep doing it even now. I think it may be time for me to STOP making excuses for him, and STOP allowing him to make me feel so small and demeaned whenever I have contact with him. Hmm.

Anyway, I'm still trying to put the pieces together in the way of defining the behaviors that my mom and brother do that I cannot allow to continue to hurt me going forward. Its a tough subject for me and, sharyn, I really appreciate the ABD post. These are the kinds of articulate ideas that puts things into words that I can't... know what I mean? Margeaux, I liked the EFT info. I took a look at it, it may be something I want to use as well.

Cmag, this may not be anything you are interested in, but are you familiar with the documentary "Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead?" Its about juicing for both weight loss and health improvement. I, personally, have never had much excess weight, but after watching this doc, I did begin juicing, and I know its improved my health so much, across the board, and I'm just so thankful I finally tried it... so just wanted to mention to you... its actually quite entertaining to watch (imo), and you can find it all over the internet, usually for free. I hope all is going well for you and wife.

Oldcodger, I'm happy that you have taken back your life. I'm sorry MIL is such a royal b. Like you, I wonder what exactly goes on in the minds of these people... I wonder if my own mom is loony in the head, or just mean and manipulative when she wants to be, or??? And her behavior isn't all the time, or to everyone... there are people in this world that think my mother is a wonderful human being... she volunteers with her church, etc. But I've been on the other end of things with her, and it's scary what she is capable of.

Sad1, I couldn't agree more. Its also hard right now for me to see where I've been handing over the reigns to Dys Family, and even harder to implement real change. "The tools" and techniques are all so helpful. And then lots of "practice," I'm sure. ;D

Juju, I'm glad your mom's leg is finally treated properly and can begin to heal. Margeaux said "much to be said about persistence," and that resonated with me. I very much feel like I've been ran around in circles, metaphorically and literally, in trying to obtain proper/necessary medical care for my father. I do know how you feel. Its beyond frustrating and you want someone, anyone, to show some sort of basic level of accountability/follow through/competency on the medical pros side of things... harumph... since they don't, my option is to keep driving all over this city, to all kinds of doctors, waiting for something to, finally, "get done right." Lol! I hope you and mom are well.

Emjo, are you all recovered from head bang? How are you feeling? I'm sending hugs.

(((Hugs))) to all, hope everyone is doing just fine in your worlds.

AAARRRGGGHHHH - Wouldn't you be upset if you just found out your parents had passed away? Or would you expect antidepressants to fix the emotional shock?

My sis that is a Licensed Professional Counselor had mom and husband to lunch at her house Saturday. During their visit sis asked hubby if mom was still taking anti-depressants, to which he answered no, but she actually is and he just doesn't know what mom is taking any more. Then sis followed up with a phone call today to again ask about the antidepressants. He, of course told her yes that mom is taking them. Then sis started a discussion about how the antidepressants would help with mom's emotional upset when she thinks she has just found out for the first time that her parents have passed away. REALLY!! My response would have been, well wouldn't you be upset the first time you found out your mother or father had passed? Just absurd, how she thinks an antidepressant would help with this. It is the Alzheimer's, not overall depression that causes mom's reaction. She just doesn't get it at all and a counselor at that.

Juju,

Congratulations about this diagnosis regarding your mom. So glad that she finally has a cast on it, so it can heal. Much to be said about persistence.
I know that was very rough on both of you too.

Oh, I know too....last week while my husband had the catheter in, and it really made me nervous, because now I not only had to be wary of infection about the Laparoscopic incisions, but now this! We made two trips, he having the catheter in because he hadn't pee'd the necessary amount on his own. So on top of the actual day of the surgery's drama, interrupted sleep, etc. Now I had to take him to two appts. last week, finally the second one on Wed., he was sent home w/o the catheter, and he doesn't need it any more. So Thurs., he says to me, "I still am feeling kind of tired." I responded, "Well yes!! You just had a procedure not an entire week ago, have been dealing w/catheter, so sure your body wasn't rested, now the surgery has to heal. I really know he took this in-out patient procedure literally. I have to keep reminding him to refrain from doing certain tasks so he doesn't mess w/the healing of the hernia.

I who have become my husband's caregiver really appreciate and realize how much people such as you do for your mother. I ask myself, "How do you do it."
Really, especially to the degree and many times for the length of time many people do this for loved ones.

You're dong an A+ job, Juju!
But remember to take some time out for yourself, if that be some chocolate,
a bubble shower/bath, anything! It helps! I've been resorting to a bit of good chocolate.

Take care, and I'll continue to think of you and mom, (which I did last week),
for her healing, and your continuing strength to deal with this.

May the Force be with you!
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Margeaux~You are correct. Like I said, if it was important enough for her to be "the good guy" she could have stopped at the bank on her way over. Like your sister, my sister does see herself as superior to me. On Friday, she said she would let me know about meeting for dinner again on Monday (yesterday). She didn't...so I emailed her saying I take it you are not coming down for dinner. I don't want to be in the middle of making dinner for my husband and get a call from you that you are waiting for me. She forgot. It still comes down to the fact that she thinks her time is more valuable than mine. Yes, I am not going to visit with her anymore. I will go by myself with Bridgette (she will always be Midget to mom and I won't change that).. I have enjoyed my time with my mom and I am not going to let my sister interfere with that or change it. I am not going to schedule my time on my days off to accommodate her. Well gotta go, thank you and hugs!!

Sharynmarie,

Isn't your sister supposed to be in charge of financial things regarding your mother? If the answer to this is yes, then shouldn't she be the one giving your mother cash when she needs it? That she doesn't meet certain responsibilities in this area is really on her.

I sense, that she uses these scenarios to bait you...then unfortunately because you are very kind, and I understand that maybe you don't want your mom w/o cash, if she's asking for some. However, I'd suggest that you not get roped into this situation.

These are some of the dynamics my sister has used on me.....when she's asked whether I could go cover for an absent caregiver, then things are all confused at their home, especially now w/growing care needs of her own daughter w/two babies. The last time, this happened, I stayed since I'd already made the drive, and thought, well I'll just visit mom anyway. I spend a lot on gas when I go there, so didn't want that to just be waisted. Well, after 5 hrs. had passed, and really I was ready to leave, my sister now called me from her job w/a spur of the moment plan to dash off to her daughter's house saying she wanted to see those grandkids. This didn't make any sense to me, since the daughter and her kids spend just about everyday at mom's and sister's home. So you see what I'm saying here. I have to watch this, or I'll get swooped up into their confusion, and truth be told, I realize that my sister pumps up her own "power over me," (the one she used to have) now having me in her clutches. Yes, it worked as a major guilt trip on me.....since I did end up staying a couple hours longer.

But.....after that, I totally detached from her w/the phone calls, etc.
It's not easy when we are dealing with either controllers, manipulators, etc.
I have a cousin who has now gone to the other world.. and he used to tell me when these kinds of things happen, one must show these people some indifference. I totally agree! We have to learn to decipher when to pull back.

Maybe it's time for you to do the visits alone, w/Midget, oh Bridgette.

Much Love & LIght! Margeaux

sharynmarie - OMG! I swear you wrote that just as I needed it! Thank you for that post! I have just made the realization that it wasn't alcholism with my mother - it was that and NPD. Add a stroke and assisted living to it - oh my! My mother has been raging this week and somehow it is my fault the place is horrible, food is bad, it's filthy etc...so trying to put this all off until her meds set it - she's refusing to take them so they are crushing it in her food. She calling me demanding I get her out. I am trying so hard to set my boundaries and thought I was doing a fair job - then my husband said in my conversation I basically asked permissing to hang up...saying "ok" instead of I am hanging up now...ugh. I don't even remember saying it! I know it is a process and posts like yours are so helpful! Thanks again to all of you for being here for us just opening our eyes!

It took me a long time to realize that my MIL is not the 'nice' person she seems to others. I have cared for her and nursed her through some really difficult surgeries and it nearly did me in. The less she could do and the more I did for her - the angrier she got. No one saw 'this side' of her but me. Not even my husband fully believed that what I told him happened - actually happened. Until finally, one evening - she let the 'nasties' slip through her lips in his presence.

It wasn't long after this that I overheard her (a FULL HOUR) telling all manner of lies, half truths, and fabrications to her Social Worker. This is the woman I thought loved me like a daughter. Turns out, she had also been telling these same lies and twisted half truths to anyone she spoke to or saw - and we do have mutual church friends who came by to see her regularly. Of course, THEY didn't tell me what my MIL had told them. She sounds 'perfectly normal' and what she says sounds like it COULD actually have happened. The only problem is that she twisted everything into something snide and uncaring and mean spirited on my part. Believe me, I did not treat her this way!

Well, that was Aug. 16, 2012. That was the day that our relationship DIED. The person I thought I knew is dead to me. I bought a ticket to AZ and went to visit family until I 'recovered' emotionally - somewhat. Hubby missed me terribly - so I came home too soon. BUT, before I left for AZ I had a long, long talk with my doctor (who is also my MIL's doctor) and he explained that she had anger and rage issues. I also believe she may be a pathological liar. THAT IS ANOTHER WHOLE STORY. So, when I came home, I told my hubby that his mother was not longer allowed to just 'walk into' our home - her apt. is attached to our home. I covered the windows on my French doors with coordinating fabric to match my window coverings so that I could walk around my kitchen area without having her 'watch' me. She uses the room adjacent to our kitchen for crafts, reading, etc.

After I cam home, I also backed WAY OFF in my caregiving. I guess you could say I set some boundaries. It took 3 months for me to speak to her again and even now, I do not spend any length of time with her. I am no longer her companion.

During those 3 months, my hubby took her her meals (which I still prepare) and delivered her med boxes, and did all the 'dealing' with his mother. I no longer take her to her appointments. I refuse to be alone with her for any length of time and this is still the case one year later. I WILL NOT do this even once - because if I do it once more, it will be my JOB again and I will not put myself in that position with her again. The very thought of being alone with her for more than 2-3 minutes makes me feel sick inside.

Ultimately - these boundaries have given me my life back. I still do all the same care giving - cleaning, meds, scheduling appointments, bills, food prep, shopping - but I am no longer in charge of her happiness. I am in charge of MINE. I have decided that MY health, MY happiness, MY life are just as important as hers.

She betrayed me, vilified me for at least 2 years (that we know of) and until just very recently - NEVER said a kind thing about me to anyone. I recently heard her tell someone that I cook her meals and clean for her. This is as close to a compliment as I have ever received. I have not heard her say anything derogatory about me for 2-3 months. But, sadly, this is 'too little - too late' - I am afraid the damage she did to our relationship is permanent. By the way - she takes NO responsibility for what has happened and the changes in our relationship. She tells others that she doesn't understand 'why I am the WAY I am now' and that she hopes I 'get over it' soon. She hasn't a clue. Either that or she truly is living in her own little bubble.

I am ok with the arrangement now - I can live with it and I AM LIVING. I plan trips and take them. Thankfully, our kids and the church friends 'cover' for us when we are gone. My MIL is able to care for her personal needs. I have a month's worth of med. boxes and we are planning to be gone THREE WEEKS early next year.

I have told her other kids that if an emergency happens while we are away - SHE IS THEIR BABY - HANDLE IT!! She will have meals on wheels, twice daily phone calls and evening meals with my kids while we are gone.

So, yes, we can reclaim our life. We just have to let go of the guilt (I feel that if her other kids - who have done absolutely nothing to help with her care for the last 8 years can live with NO guilt - then why on earth should I feel guilty about wanting to live my life - after spending 8 years looking after their mother!)

We (hubby and I agree on this) have decided that when she can no longer handle her personal needs (the things that would require me to do hands-on care) or get up/down safely - then she will go to a nursing home.

She is coming home from rehab tomorrow. My hubby told her to WORK HARD and get strong - that SHE is the one who determines where she goes when released - home or nursing home. So, the subject has been 'broached' and she knows that my health - both physical and emotional - will no longer support one on one - helpless/bedridden type care. Been there - done that. She says it never happened :0)

Well, enough for now. Just wanted to say that deciding to SAVE MYSELF came almost too late and not without considerable cost. My health suffered tremendously and I was near a breakdown before I finally realized that 'IF IT IS TO BE - IT IS UP TO ME!!"

I have learned with age, sympathy and patience. But more importantly I have learned what my emotional limits are. I am now the last one to volunteer.

I see a lot of great info in this for those of us who are at a "point" we want to detach as I do. Read it and take from it what applies to your situation. Hugs and blessings!!

Honor yourself. Only you can set a boundary and stick to it. If other people perceive that you're willing to let your boundaries be merged with their needs, sadly, there are many out there who will take that invitation and make the most of it to get their own way. And many of them lack guilt or consideration, so don't expect them to "see the light" and suddenly become nicer to you.


Practice clear thinking. Before you can be clear to others, you will need to be clear to yourself. What is it that you want from life? How do you actually want to interact with other people from this point on?
Be prepared to challenge your irrational and catastrophic interpretations of interactions with other people––by stopping yourself from believing that the other person will give up on you if you assert yourself, you begin to clarify your own wants and needs in a much healthier way.
Be more optimistic and self-caring. What is important to you? Why are you so willing to set that aside for another person? Rational self talk is an important requirement for better self care (see "Tips").
Practice clear speaking. Ambiguity about your wants is a major reason why some people choose to take advantage of others. If you cannot voice your preferences and limitations, then the other person will take the ambiguity and silence as acquiescence to their needs. Start making clear statements about what matters to you and why you insist on your own needs.
Find nice ways to say things like no, stop, not again and do it yourself. Part of the fear may be about seeming rude or selfish. Using polite language and good manners will help you a great deal, as will the realization that it is not selfish to give the best of yourself to other people and that best of you is the a fully functional, emotionally healthy human being.
3Seek help. Most of the behaviors listed in the previous step are not personal faults but learned helplessness, learned guilt and learned reactivity to people who have probably mistreated you in some way in the past. Once the pattern forms, it can be hard to break, especially if you have had long-term dealings with someone who was in a position of authority over you and made you feel you had to obey all the time. Don't be harsh on yourself––these behaviors have formed as coping mechanisms, ways to protect yourself from harm and threat. The trouble is that they have now become poor coping mechanisms that keep setting you up for the same fall each time. Working through them will help you to feel happier and safer.
Some people are able to make a decision to work through the issues alone, perhaps with the aid of bibliotherapy or a good friend or mentor. Other people find seeing a therapist or counselor is beneficial. Whatever you feel will work for you, take that route, because it is important to restore your sense of worthiness before you will find enough strength to put a stop to other people pushing you around.
Explore with your therapist or through your journal writing whether you're conflict avoidant. Those who steer clear of conflict all the time risk being taken for granted because they're seen to always settle for "peace" in place of challenging another. The trouble with this is that the "peace" is dearly bought by shutting down your own needs instead, so that the battle rages within.
4Learn to stop taking other people's demands personally. A big part of allowing oneself to be taken for granted is to treat other people's needs as a reflection of your goodness and ability. Just because someone else asks or demands something of you does not mean that this person has a right to expect you to perform miracles, to react without complaint or to actually do what they want of you. There is no shame in pointing out your own needs and prioritizing them when you know that doing so is the fairer outcome.


People who respond to an unwillingness to do something for them may use emotional blackmail, such as telling you that you're lazy, mean, or selfish. They might suggest that by placing your interests above theirs that you don't care about them. Any such talk is manipulative, aimed at making you give into their own selfish preferences and if they are unable to see the irony in their behavior, that is not your mission to fix. Simply protect yourself above all and let them learn that you're not willing to be their pushover.
Remind yourself that another person's lack of planning or understanding is not your emergency. It's a lesson for them to learn that they need to be better organized or more self-responsible, rather than being manipulative, angry or bossy.
5Realize that setting boundaries is about balance, not withdrawal. Some people fear asserting boundaries lest they be seen as selfish and unwilling to do anything for anyone. This is just as black and white an approach as always saying yes. Realize that boundary-setting is a practice of moderation, in which you assess requests for your help with discernment and choose to help when you know it is the right thing to do and it won't deplete you. Boundary-setting is about teaching those around you that your availability to acquiesce to their needs is dependent on the worthiness of the request, not on how much they can push your buttons when they feel like it. In other words, it's about asserting your right to being respected and in turn, respecting them when they have earned such respect.
Dealing with the other person

In individual cases, you may need to take an active stance with a person to show that you've changed and won't accept being taken for granted any longer. While you cannot change another person, you can notify them that you're no longer willing to play by the rules that they set, even if this upsets them.
1Talk directly to the offender. Don't hedge or beat about the bush––come out and state the fact that you cannot do something and give the reason why. Explain that your time matters as much as anyone else's and that you don't accept being treated as if you are always available no matter what else is happening. Remain polite and don't make it personal; be firm and make it clear that you mean what you say.


Stick with "I" language. It's easy to fall into the trap of saying things like "you make me feel about 1 inch high" and "you have made me miserable these past years" but all that does is make the other person defensive and they'll come up with a long list of rebuttals that can make your head spin (which risks you feeling so bad you give in again). Instead, stick with explaining how things impact you and start your sentences with such phrases as "I feel", "I want", "I need", "I am going to" and "I am doing this from now on". No need to get all emotional, even though undoubtedly you will feel this way inside. Instead, use facts and straightforward statements to bolster your wants and decisions from this point on.
When you first start asserting yourself, it's really easy to fall into the pattern or using smiles, giggling or trying to self-efface because it's really scary standing up for yourself when you haven't done it before (or in a long time). However, avoid doing anything like giggling or attempting to soften the blows with lots of smiles because this signals that you're not serious and the other person may well just treat this as a one-off case of the jitters and resume treating you the same way the next time. Don't grimace or look stern but do adopt a business, poker-like face that you'd see on a professional in their daily work––matter of fact, straight to the point and no messing about.
Stay calm. Above all, keep your resentment, anger or frustration under control. While there may be plenty of negative emotions within you, focus on presenting a calm front and letting the other person know that you're not unstable or attacking but that you do mean business.
2Find a script. It can be helpful to rehearse what you want to say to the other person before you explain what will happen from this point on. Write it down, read it through and get comfortable with the main points. Nobody ever remembers verbatim a rehearsed script like this because the emotions and context will require changes as you go, but it does help to have your mind primed by having gone through something along the lines of what you want to say. For example:
Sally: Hi, I just wanted to talk to you about something.
Elizabeth: Yes?
Sally: You asked me yesterday if I could babysit your son. But I have already babysat him twenty times in the past month. Unfortunately I can't babysit him today again, because I have a few errands to run and then I have my own children's needs to attend to.
Elizabeth: What... but you promised!
Sally: Elizabeth, I don't remember promising you anything. I have things to do, too, you know. Sometimes I am very busy, and I won't always be available.
Elizabeth: But I'm your best friend!
Sally: I know you are. And I am yours––it's just that I am not your babysitter on call. Liz, I am fine with watching your son on occasion, but I can't do this all the time, and definitely not without notice. From now on, please promise me you won't keep asking me for constant babysitting favors. I will notify you in the future when I am available to babysit but right now I need a break from it. Thanks for your understanding.
3Try hard to avoid viewing each encounter as a "negative confrontation". The idea of "confrontation" suggests a battle of wills in which someone wins and someone loses. This is not what you're after––think about wanting an outcome that is constructive, in which the person at the other end learns something about you they didn't know before and you have the opportunity to clear the air. Seek a win-win situation, in which this person knows that you will respect them and be happy to help with worthy requests but that you will no longer be at their beck and call for anything trivial, demeaning or that takes advantage of you.
When you feel that this is turning into a battle of wills, remind yourself of the end outcome and what you really want. In most cases, it is to reassert yourself and get to a healthy relationship in which both of you are comfortably aware of the boundaries.
Remember reciprocation. In most cases you won't be seeking to shut down all requests for help, just those that don't respect your boundaries or dignity. By all means make it clear when you will be there for the other person, such as when they give birth, fall ill, need a once-a-year break or need occasional help with something you're expert at. You determine how much help you're willing to give and then make it absolutely clear.
4Be consistent. Make it clear to the offender that when you say "no", you mean it. Don't give in to any manipulations; instead, stand your ground. Remember, if you can't stick with your boundaries, then you will most likely continue to be taken advantage of. Consistency means that from this point onward, you stick to the clear boundaries you've defined with this person and don't allow leakage; the moment you allow any boundary-crossing, being taken for granted risks starting up all over again.

No more boundary leakage...
No more boundary leakage...
For example, say that you have told George that you'll mow his lawns and check his mail when he is overseas in September. George goes away and you duly do as said. Then George leans on you when he returns by telling you what a great mowing job you've been doing while he was away and could you continue to do it every month. This isn't something you're the least bit keen about. If you agree, then you've shown an inconsistency and George may well end up asking you to trim the hedges, wash the deck and prune the trees as well. If you don't agree, explaining that your help was an example of when you're willing to help out once in a while, then George will know you mean it.


EditTips

Prevention is the key. In the future, avoid doing any 'big things' or making sacrifices for people unless you can really afford the time, effort, money, and so forth. Avoid letting occasional favors turn into the new status quo.
Rational thinking and self-soothing can help you a lot if you're compelled to do other people's bidding out of fear of losing the relationship. Rational thinking helps you to stop making things up about the other person's tenuous interest in you and can help you see that the truth is that the other person needs you just as much (if not more) and in most cases, won't run off. And if he or she does, you're better off for it. Avoid making assumptions and instead, look for evidence and stop mind reading. Finally, assert yourself by asking directly when you don't know something.
Be assertive while being friendly; remember to still be polite. Rudeness won't change a thing but it does give a hook to the other person to insist that you owe them because you have hurt their feelings.

Acknowledge that improvement begins within. It can be difficult to accept your own role in facilitating a lack of respect from others but this is part of improving your situation and interaction with others. When people recognize you respect yourself, their ability to take you for granted decreases dramatically––the less you seem a pushover, the less they'll push those buttons. And while nobody deliberately sets out to be used up, fear of not being liked, loved or needed can cause some fairly unhealthy self-depriving behaviors, such as:You say yes to everything another person (or any person) asks of you; saying yes is your "default" mode
You are not willing to say no or to ask for a revision of expectations of you out of fear that the other person won't like you or will find fault with you
You believe that a good girl/nice guy does what she or he is told or asked to do, no matter what imposition this places on you
You think that you'll only be liked or loved if you do what other people expect of you
You're afraid of the other person and walk around as if you're on eggshells whenever you're around them (a good sign you need to get away from this explosive person)
You suffer from insecurity, feel needy a lot and can't bear being left alone much
You are always self-deprecating, putting yourself down, making it sound like you have faults while the other person only has virtues
No matter how unhappy you're feeling, you don't say anything but hide it deep and resolve to pretend you're okay with what's happening
You're easily intimidated by anyone who is loud, talkative, bossy or simply authoritarian
You're a seething mass of unspoken resentment; you're angry, fed up and overwhelmed but you'd never dare tell anyone, just let it eat away at you inside.

I have been doing reviewing abd and am posting info that may help others as well as myself.

From an early stage in your life, you are taught to respect others, and do kind things for them, such as offering hospitality or babysitting. However, in some cases, people begin to take advantage of your generosity and kind nature, expecting more from you than is fair or right. Such people may repeatedly ask you for favors and cause you to feel obliged, without returning any favors or showing you any respect. When the boundaries are crossed, it can be challenging to go back to asserting yourself. If you feel as if there are people in your life who take you for granted, it's time to protect yourself and reset those boundaries.

Joan~Thank you for your comment. Lately I have been talking and talking about my sis...I decided I would not meet her today to have dinner with mom.

Let us know how your mom is, I hope it is nothing too serious. I am glad you got to spend time with your grandson on his birthday.

Cmag~You sure have your hands full and hopefully as your wife recovers, thinks will calm for you. I really wish I could motivate myself to walk more. I was walking for about 20 min. in the evening after work (take the dog for walk) but I stopped because a of a drive by shooting (not in my area but close) that happened at night. I am sure it was gang related and from what I have read...most often the person shot at is associated but it is still a little scary.

I am feeling better about the situation with sis and decided she has to deal with it. I understand she is hurting from the past...we have all been there and still deal with the fallout, but I think sis will ever get over it simply because I know she blames her health issues and everything that has happened to her on my mom and how we were raised.

My daughter texted me yesterday...she was very unhappy because her hubby is freaking out over finances with adding a baby to mix. He is a worrier with the finances and having a baby just scares him...usual husband reaction. I told her if you need another year to decide then take it. She is just angry because he flip flops back and forth. My son will be here either the 5 or 6th of sept. They won't be staying a week like I thought but that is fine Hubby wants them to make decisions about their things we have in the garage...either take it or dump it. They have no room for it or a garage to store it...smaller stuff may want.

Have a good week everyone!!

Cmag good to hear from you and hope all goes well with your wife. I agree most meals are twice as big as we need but when alone we do not have a choice even at our SENIOR CENTER we can not get a smaller portion and we are not suppose to take any food home.

Thanks, emjo. It will be 6 weeks before my wife can eat normal food once again. Right now, she is on a liquid diet and then will progress to baby food type food, etc. I'm finding it tough to stick with my diet and exercise program. I am so out of shape that I have to lay down and rest after each 30 minute walk, but I am loosing weight. One tough thing I'm finding about eating when out of town is only eating half of the meal when you are really not in a situation where you can take the other half home or back to the hotel room, but you have to pay for the whole meal. I feel good though that I have lost 7 pounds although I was out of town for 2 days one time and 3 days another time.

Just a quick one and will write more soon. I think that whack on the head gave me a mild concussion as I have been having some extreme fatigue and headaches. Nothing that an OTC couldn't deal with, but I usually don't get headaches. Feeling better today and hopefully I am nearing the end of it.

Mother is back in hospital as of last night with a temp of 37.6 and feeling nauseated and shaky. I must admit I am suspicious, as the paranoia about her ALF seems to have vanished for now, but at her age anything can happen. One of these days something serious will be wrong with her.I haven't heard from the hospital so ot can't be too bad. She was managing to send a few more emails.

Youngest grandson's b'day supper tonight. Didn't think I would be able to hack 4 kids ( because of my head) , but they were very quiet thankfully.so I stayed a decent time.

ju - glad you got your mum's leg seen to. I know they don't listen to family much,
sharyn - I agree with Margeaux you are not dissing your sis - but describing what is happening
Austin glad it is going so well with your friend
Alison I need to read the more carefully, but sounds like you are doing well
cathy I am sorry - so many stories like yours on here
cmag - glad your wife's surgery went well - hope she recovers quickly
Margeaux - sometimes I can't wait for G to leave so I know where you are coming from
everyone -hope you had a good weekend

Hello everyone, hope you had a good weekend, Mrgx...hubby doing good?
emjo...how are you doing, how did you do after the fall, you ok? I am still just exhausted from last two weeks and just been cooking a bit here in hotel with my a hot plate and turbo oven which actually works great for meat. Made baby back ribs taters n salad and nice big breakfast this morning also...been pretty lazy beside that! Catching up on some missed sleep I think, few naps today n yesterday!
Mom seems a lil worn out too...not as peppy and usual, It has been so ruff on her tho I hope just needs rest! the cast is kinda big n heavy for her maybe she not comfy either idk... Praying for her comfort and healing now!!

To everyone here....Love n...
Peace,
Juju

Margeaux~Thank you so much...your words touched me very deeply. I can't help but think my sister sets herself up with mom...wanting to prove to her that she does have a health issue???It is tearing me up and i have to detach. Your words about them learning the lesson...I fear it won't happen...at least I know for mom it won't because her mental capacity will only decline. I didn't say in my post...but I feel that my sister set me up to some degree by asking me to give our cash because she didn't have any ( again if she wanted to give it, she could have planned for it) then she slammed me by saying I was the good guy and she was the bad guy. This has really hurt my feelings...that is why I told her this is part of your problem. I think it will be best if I don't go to the community with my sister and let her work this out for herself. I had to do the same thing with my mother when dad was in a NH, I couldn't visit when mom was there because the visit was all about her and I wanted to spend time with my dad.Thank you Margeaux for helping me to see this more clearly. Hugs to you and I hope you and hubby are doing well!

Austin,

What a beautiful story! I'm glad you found your Knight in Shining Armor.
You see, this is proof that there can be light at the end of the tunnel.

Much Love & lo's of Light! Margeaux

Sharynmarie,

You stated in a post something about that you didn't want to sound as if you are "dissing," your sister. I don't think you are doing that at all. Of course since you'd like for her to get it together, if she doesn't look out for her own health, how is any of this ever going to happen for her. The affected person has to be the actor here.
This situation of she not addressing her blood sugar, and relying upon sugar of all things when her body is already feeling symptoms has got to be terrible.

I really think that she also behaving slighted again by your mother, because then your mom reacts to she laying on her bed, well what does she expect? Too bad she is lost in self pity. Even though, I know you've told us how difficult your mom is, I'm sure she also picks up on this agitation, shortness in mood your sister exhibits.

Cherish the moments that your mom has shown you some kind and tender words.
Don't ever try to overanalyze, where it's coming from, nor that another doesn't get the same.
You should never have to bear the brundt of whatever it is you feel mom isn't giving sister, nor what your sister doesn't give your mom. Really, that's between them, and is there in some way for them to learn their own lessons.

I have many times felt like this, because I know what it is to be around a very competitive sister. She used to, and still at times behaves badly. But I've lost some of that feeling of always looking out to see what is going on, reasons. This of course has been me totally detaching from them. Yes, and we do have to continually remind ourselves of this fact.

Hugs, Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Just to add...I accept that sis doesn't want to deal with her emotions which is why i can't help her by talking with her about detaching, boundaries, etc. it is something she can't get her mind around and that tells me she is not ready.

Austin~Thank God sis has been sober since 2008 but it took a toll on her health and I do think if her health had not spiraled down that year she would still be drinking. She doesn't want counseling to help her with her anger. It is an investment of not just $$$ but dealing with the emotions are hard and for her...she would rather not go through it.

Alison~My sister feels as you do. It breaks my heart because sis tries so hard to please mom. Mom never accepted either of us, and to be honest...I am not a threat to my mom because I am not handling her finances. The person who handles the finances is the one who gets the backlash of complaints and negativity. You are doing a great job Alison, I really don't know if I could do it. Enjoy your day outside!!

Hmm, cathy, I can empathize with siblings who do not seek to actually help, but don't mind criticizing every little thing from afar. It seems to be a common theme in families, actually, where siblings are quite non-supportive of the caregiver. I'm sorry you are having these hard times. Please keep posting on here, and I know you will receive some much needed emotional support, at least.

Sharyn, you mentioned your sis's need for acceptance from mom, and I had an "aha!" moment. This is what I've been looking for for 38 years from my Family - a basic acceptance. And I get none. And this is why I've heard from friends and others over the years that what I need is to believe that I'm "good enough" as I am. It just seems I can never meet whatever it is my older bro and mom are seeking in me. I just end up feeling picked apart.

I have been meaning to throw this out there, regarding permanent/tattoo makeup... in my mid 20s, I got a few things tattooed - eyebrows, full lips - I've never regretted it. It allows me to save a few extra minutes of each day and I, personally, look very "washed out" without some definition to my face. So I'm glad I did it, I think its a great thing for women to do, just seek out a reputable provider, of course.

Book, I, too, have concerns about starting some addictive medication that I really don't absolutely need, and then having difficulty withdrawing from it down the road. Certainly if someone is in pain, or discomfort, I wouldn't want them to be tortured, so by all means, take the meds, whatever they are! I dunno, I'm trying to choose what's best for myself, and not just take Doc's Rx's without my own due diligence. I think I'm on a good path with all that, right now.

Austin, I can't tell you how much I enjoy reading about your finding love. I couldn't be happier for you. Now... if you could just kindly request that the Benevolent Universe send a best friend for me, too... lol. ;D

Happy Sunday, all! Hope everyone has a great day! Its just gorgeous weather in Chicago, time to get outside.

Shary there is only so much you can do with a person addicted to alcohol-I know from what I saw in my family and my friend that died in March-if they will not help themselves it is a losing battle-I tried to get her into AA and that did not work so all I could do was to read her emails-she did not want to see her friends she only went out to get booze-her husband allowed that-he could have disabled her car-luckily she did not have accidents after the one that got her stopped by the police and did not lose her license-I had to realize I was not able to help her-some of her friends invited her to their parties.

I got to be the caregiver. Because me and Mom are close. Dad died in 1997 and I have been caring for Mom for 6 years. Two months ago she got very ill and had to be hospitalized. Three days later she went into short term. That was when the siblings started crawling out of the wood work I have 8 brothers and sisters but one has passed.When he died demonstrated having bad depression. I had to watch her suffer. Maybe once a year most of them would visit. One sister visited quite often. Mom lined away for them. I begged them to come but they all stayed mad about every tiny little thing. Excuses. Now the doctor has told mom she has to stay in long-term and today has been so bad for me. My sister has caused me of not as ting to care for Mom anymore and her daughter pasted in Facebook. When my daughter stood up for me, she was jumped. I have epilepsy and a bad back and they have me in a nervous wreck. Yet they will not offer to cafe for Mom, just tell me how low I am. The one sister who could not visit often lives in NC and she has my back. That leaves 6 who hate me. I am so sad. I want to go see mom but who knows what will happen. I am scared.

I have been thinking a lot about my friend "S". Her message has more impact on me than about a Cinderella story. Love has many faces...what about self love? I can't help but equate her story with loving self...putting physical health first, mental health first.etc. My relationship with my mother is so very different than my sister's relationship with her. I think it all goes back to my mother seeing me as helpless because I was the youngest child. My sis is my best friend and anything I say here, we have already discussed with each other. My point is that my sister's health issues are a result of alcoholism. She neglected her health for many years because she put everyone else in her life first, especially men. You who know me, know my sister's history. I really need to detach from her more because I can't help her with her issues with mom. She thinks too much like mom and when I discuss her on here, it comes across that I am dissing her. I want her to be happy, which she isn't. I don't think her depression is because of mom, I think it has to do with her health, how she sees herself, and that she wants validation from others instead of herself. She can't seem to detach from getting acceptance from mom. I will leave it at that so I don't carry on and give the wrong impression about my sister. Love yourselves, treat yourselves well first. Hugs to everyone...

Austin~I am very happy to hear about your relationship with your gentleman. While marriage is not everyone's ultimate goal, having someone to share your golden years with maybe the goal. Congratulations to you!!