The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Hi sharyn - taking it easy. I took presents over to my grandson and they were appreciated - remote control thingies. Had a nice visit and a cuppa white tea. My daughter was good - I wonder if she has SAD as she took a dive mood wise last Christmas. Hope the foot soak works on that callous. Crocheting -I used to crochet quite a bit. Gordie's first afghan was yellow and green - though I knitted it. When I ran out of babies to crochet for I crocheted baby things and gave them to the Thrift shop. I actually crocheted sweaters for the boys when they were teens.. I should try it again. I enjoyed it and knitting.

I am open, Karen. That is my back up plan. Unfortunately we have few alternative medicine people here. The thing about the intestinal infection is that you don't want to get rid of it all, but get the gut back into a balance between bacteria and the candida. It does live there normally in a healthy person. Too little candida and you have a bacterial infection - and I have been close to that a couple of times. Kill the bacteria with antibiotics and you get a candida infection. Because of so many antibiotics for sinus infections the candida got out of control. I am so much better and have decent energy most of the time now - like walking 40 blocks, For a year or so I spent most of the time in bed and was totally exhausted and dragged myself out of bed to make supper by a sheer act of will. Had some pretty bad gut pain at times. I eat unpasteurised sauerkraut daily to help restore the bacteria as I can't eat yogurt because of allergies and the capsules are not as good. I am convinced that I will get back into balance.:) I do take zinc and garlic.
Re your mum - I think writing a letter is a good idea, and sending it if you feel like it. It will help you let off steam. Lunches with my mum are a chore, but anything public is better that being alone with her. I redirect the conversation as much as I can to stem the negativity.

Sorry about my misspellings, you see...it's my eyes.
HAAH!
Margeaux

Emjo,

This is interesting what you wrote about your infection in the gut.
Do you think that the candida has a connection to your sinuses?
Also, I'm wondering....are your eyes feeling scratchy, red and gritty?
Last week, we went out of town, and I had my sinuses flare up badly.
Of course, when one is on the road you can't tend to the home made nutrition and are at the mercy of eating out. I'm afraid I ate lots of things that provoked my sinuses. The about a day later....my eyes were a mess w/above mentioned symptoms. I'm really trying to get in touch with this condition. I know on account of the stress involved just anticipating last Friday, did not help. My system was completely under attack. O.K., I really hope you're feeling better, and really interested to see if there are some similarities here.

When my husband is better, I'm thinking of doing some juice fasts, may even start then soon and give him some, too.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Sad1daughter,

Oh! I can really empathize with you about your husband. While the scales were tipping on the fact that they were waiting for my husband to pee/or if not, catheter they use this monitor to see how full the bladder was. It was completely full. So right after the catheter was put in, he filled up the bag! Yes, anything having to do w/the lower abdominal area or prostate, it's all about the ability to urinate.
This had to be really painful for your husband!

Well, it's now day two post surgery. He experienced pain yesterday, and took his medications. Today, he seems better but is tired. I am too, but just pacing myself.
I went and put in a load of wash. I still have yet to see what I'll prepare for dinner.
The whole ball game there, is to keep him regular, since the meds can make one constipated. Oh dear! All the particulars of a surgery. But I'm glad we are at home.
Thank you for sharing your story, and hope you are well.

Hugs, Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Emjo,

Good God! She is stopping the meds?
You really have a stubborn woman on your hands!
Hopefully you will be able to get someone to cooperate with you on this, I'm sure she would benefit, you all would from she taking her medications!

Was that ever an ordeal the other day with my husband's outpatient situation!
We got through the first day home. He was of course uncomfortable, given that he has the catheter. I situated him on our couch. He has been in some pain, but was taking the meds they gave him. But looks like the pain subsided, too.

Tomorrow I will call the Urologist who put the catheter in, and he is the one to remove it.

Other than that, I was a complete zombie. I had to keep waking up every four hrs., during the night to make sure the meds were on track. I was really feeling the stress yesterday, today is much better. Thanks for asking about him.
I'm just trying everything I know to keep him comfortable.

It is quite amazing that amidst your mom and her lack of cooperation, and you tell her about her bank account and such that she wouldn't at least acknowledge that there is something going on with her. You're doing all the necessary and right things, Emjo!

Hugs, Much Love & LIght! Margeaux

Sharyn-oh good it is the ducks colors and football started this week I believe of course I missed it. I don't do sports much but love watching football and an occasional Nascar race...dad loved both and I love my Ducks, U of O....reminds me of Sundays home with dad but college is Sat,,, Get that crochet hook a burning, lol!!! yes will be nice for you to have lil babies to spoil. I also have heard you should not announce until after first trimester as that is when much can go wrong, if it shall (but we wont even think that way,is my take, negative) then you wont have to deal with the public flood of response as it can be difficult to hear. that is more directed at the general public but telling Gma should be ok!!! Happy, happy, thoughts ahead!!

Yikes Joan (emjo) that sounds horrible! I don't know if you are open to this - I have been into alternative medicines for a long time (20 years or so) and I had both viral and bacterial bronchitis years ago - dr ordered antibiotics of course - and got the yeast infection from hell - lasted on and offer for 4 months - finally went to my acupuncturist and she mixed up some Chinese herbs for it - within 2 days it was gone. They taste horrible - but are certainly worth it...and may be worth a shot - yeast is hard to get rid of in the body. Also- you can try zinc and garlic - the combo will kill yeast - especially in the stomach...that helped me 30 years ago.

My husband wants me to write my mother a letter as she reads things over and over...I am thinking about it. At least that way I can explain that moving her is not an option without interruption...Anyway - will probably write it - may not send - just therapeutic. Sorry to hear your mother is like mine - I have always been so jealous of women that get to have nice lunches with their moms - or go shopping...Funny thing is - for years she kept telling everyone we had such a great relationship - we were so close etc! LOL! Yeah -she talked - I listened.

Hope you feel better!

Karen

Joan~Hope you are pampering yourself today! Will have to try the foot soak. I just spent 2 weeks using callous pads on a painful callous on the bottom of my foot. I have been given notice that mums the word regarding my daughter getting pregnant. Her hubby is a worrier and if he knew she has talked with me about it, he would worry even more. I am going to get some yarn to crochet a blanket, I need to start now since I am slow at crocheting....green and yellow!

Juju~That storm sounded like quiet a shaker. I hope everything is ok at your house. How can they cancel your home owners, thats crazy. Enjoy your pedi and a hair cut. I still haven't redyed my hair...hopefully on thurs. when I am off. Well gotta get ready for work and stop dreaming of grandbabies!!

it is a foot soak, ju - you could do it when you are on the computer! I haven't tried it yet but will try it soon.

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Foot Soak

Mix 1/4 c Listerine (any kind but I like the blue), 1/4 c vinegar and 1/2 c of warm water. Soak feet for 10 minutes and when you take them out the dead skin will practically wipe off.

May have to double recipe and also do it twice
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Let me know if you try it! Haircut sounds like a good idea -easier to keep then.

Hi Karen - no I haven't had the tattoo done yet and can't till this infection is healed, It is fungal I believe. I had systemic candida after I moved mother the first time. and was quite sick, not that that slowed down her demands at all. 40-45% of people who get it die from it. My doc didn't know how to treat it and finally I convinced him to send me to a specialist last summer, after a couple of years of being pretty sick. Now I am much better, but not over it completely. It has settled in my gut, and when it flares up I get some skin involvement, and my sinuses/eyes which get quite swollen and gut pain etc. Other than the colour, I tend to look like a prize fighter who lost the match. I know how to adjust my meds, and I also have to stay away from stress which affects it. The specialist says there is no guarantee that I won't have it for life, but can keep taking the meds she gave me. I have no intention of having it for life, and am doing pretty well, having been able to reduce my meds to about 1/3 to 1/4 the original dose, though have relapses as now. Just a big nuisance!

Let your mother wait for phone calls. She won't like it but you can't please her anyway no matter what you do. Your mum is so much like my mum! No, they don't care about anyone else. You need to remember she is mentally ill, and to some extent can't help it, but you do need to protect yourself. I have held the phone away from my ear - just close enough to know she is still talking and then after an appropriate time interrupt and say, "I have to go now" and hang up. What you say to them seems to make no difference generally. Work on not trying to appease her - you can't and she just wants the attention. Don't react to FOG. Forget about moving her closer to you! Change the subject!

Have a good day everyone.

Joan...would you share the FB foot scrub as I will have to do later. I spent way to much time on the puter this morning so I will try tonite or tomoro nite and maybe just go get a pedi and a haircut tomoro idk I want to then I can dye it myself it is way to long and shaggy now 2 boxes and lots of work....anyway yes share footscrub please!

Margeaux- my husband had prostate cancer and had surgery - had a catheter and when removed seemed fine until that afternoon and hadn't peed...had to rush him to the hospital - this was also not told to us that it could happen - it was the most painful experience for him - it was terrible. I think anytime a surgery is done it is a possibility as it is usually from a very small blood clot - that is all it takes. I hope he is feeling better - and since you are on this post - most likely not your only concern...hope you have a peaceful Sunday.
emjo- is the eye infection for the tattoo? Or did you not do that yet? Thanks for the advice. I did wait a few days to call my mother back- she called me 4 times in 2 days - each message more nasty than the one before. The phone call didn't go well - "where was I? You don't know what goes on here! I can go home there is someone here to help me, I want my food, I want, I want ,I want...". Never taking a breath and never listening. When I started to talk I was interrupting her again (standard statement) she never stops talking. I told her we were working on the yard while it wasn't 100 degrees for Jayme and Hannah's wedding...no response! Geez her grandson is getting married and she doesn't even care about that. I ended up just saying I would be down in a few weeks...and hung up. She was pissy the entire time, never once asked about anyone in the family - all about her. So exhausting. I need to read more to learn to diffuse some of these conversations. I just keep going back to my role of appeasing her. Ugh. She did bring up that she wants to move up here with me....need to postpone that for a few years! She will expect me there everyday.

Raven- you have found a fantastic group of people to help!

Thanks for being there everyone - so nice to know that there are others in this boat!

Happy Sunday!

Karen

Hi glad - what a mess you are in. My sis is being reasonable at present - she knows I could dump the POA and Personal Directive on her if she gets difficult, Any criticism and I'll tell her she can do it, if she thinks she can do better. It must be very hard being caregiver and not having POA etc when sibs are antagonistic. I am expecting trouble after mother goes - like being sued for something, and am keeping an eye out for that. I am executor and I think I will give it to a lawyer to prevent any court cases. So unfortunate when it ends up in court, but that is where you have to be.

juju - hope the storm didn't cause any additional problems. You have enough as it is. Unfortunately anyone can refuse meds - even in hospital. If she acts out too much, I believe she will end up evaluated as incompetent, and in a closed unit, which she will dislike intensely - but, her choice. Glad you got out for a walk. The more you walk (within reason) the more energy you will have the rest of the day to get your chores done, and you will have burned off some stress which is good for you. The body needs exercise when you are under stress, or it is harder on you. So glad that you are going to pamper yourself today. I got my toenails "gelished" Thursday - a nice sparkly coral to match my fingernails, my hair cut Friday, and today I will finally take presents to my grandson for his 8th b'day which was Aug 1st and I was away. I upped my meds for the fungal infection and the eyes and tummy are better, than k you for asking. Have you tried that recipe for taking dead skin off your feet. I saw it on f/b and want to try it. Prayers for the insurance to work out in your favour.

alison - gardening is a great thing. Like walking, any exercise is what the body needs to respond to the stress adrenaline rush and gardening reaps rewards. I hope you are making headway at placing your dad. I used to scrub pots when I was mad. Now I protect my nails, and find other ways to burn off steam! Yes, your mum is mentally ill, and most likely will not change for the better - and in time, like mine, for the worse.

Margeaux - let us know how you are. Hope hubby is better and you both are recovering from that traumatic experience and able to relax a bit.

Sharyn - sorry that your arm is still causing you trouble. I hope you can get some treatment that is helpful. Have you had any PT?

Re mother, I have decided that I will give her a good dose of the truth, one of these phone calls. She keeps telling me I don't know what it is like because I am not there, but there are some things I do know, and one of them is that of she does not take her meds, her paranoia and agitation will get worse, and she will end up in hospital again. I will also tell her that the doctors have diagnosed her as needing it, that they are trying to help her, and if she will not cooperate/help herself, she need not expect me to come down and help her. Also she may find herself in a situation that she likes even less than the one she is in, if she keeps up the way she is. Her choice!

That's my rant for the day - now for some peace and relaxation :)

Lots of love to you all, and prayers!

Good morning..

Joan, what a nitemare with mom, I would like to think that she cant just decide to stop meds but further thought is I guess she can, if that is her desire...that the problem with the M. ill...they don't see the problems. I am hoping it doesn't happen and/or the phoning dilemma does not blow up... I did take the dogs on a walk this AM around the hotel couple times..i gotta do it before the chores set in or I will be too tired to do it. It was brief but nice...I hope your eyes are doing better today and your tummy too...

Sharyn. sorry to hear about son, my bro's wife was like that and we did not see him for many years, just holidays etc... Must be heartbreaking to have someone steal your baby from you for lack of a PC or better term, i am braindead as usual! Well i do hope you get to see him!! it is amazing what power women can have over them..my bro loved a big pile of ribs or fat steak and went vegiterian cuz she was and she was mean and belittled and mocked us especially my really ill bro...used to infuriate me as she was no prize, when that bro emerged from divorce he was not same and ill as well...it runs in family but many years in that type of environment didn't help im sure. Well look forward to the trip to Idaho and hang on to that, and hope you do get some quality time with him.
CMag I may have missed the point with your dilemma I do not read well, my concentration is crap. and I don't see well so reading is difficult at times Sorry things got messed up, that just sucks!!

Margeaux....hope recovery is coming along first few days are the worst I suspect!

Raven, yes that sounds real icky situation and sis is unstable

Man we had a wicked nasty storm yesterday. The thunder was so powerful It shook the building and rattled the windows. I cant remember ever feeling it like that, I was truly scared. The good news is it brought buckets of rain, much needed to aid the firefighters and douse any lightning strikes that may have erupted. Bad news for me is it probably soaked my salvaged hardwoods I was counting on re-purposing, they are laying in the yard hope the tarp held. and the roof tarp was open as we were inspecting quoting the damage and did not expect or think of it till the storm was in full force...the insurance covered the pipe burst floor damage but would not do the roof and then they cancelled me the other day due to the roof damage... it better not interfere with this claim and that is BS cuz I am getting it fixed and had already paid a contractor to fix few years back which he apparently did not do!!! I will fight that cancellation as I must have current homeowners for mortage and for this housing rehab loan )no interest and no payback till sale) I am in process of applying for....so be my troubles for the day...not the problem family but circumstances..that family caused me to flee and isolate!

Well anyway I am going to try to get my toes painted today, soak my feet and tidy up the calluses and paint those little piggies!! and :"try' to watch this movie I wanna see on HBO here at hotel but it hard during day as I have demands on me all day. Home I can just dvr it or pause as needed. Incredibly close and extremely loud is the movie and my Breaking bad is back on today, they probably have a marathon of the first half of season I would like to catch I am checking now!!
Oh ya I guess I need to go to house n assess the storm mess if any! and I do have to review all the quotes I got from contractors and flooring co. this week and finish housing rehab loan app. just got to copy and print bunch of stuff for that but may have found a disqualifier on a document I just remembered. i am keeping fingers crossed we can get it resolved or I am screwed now that they are cancelling my insurance!

Well have the best Sunday possible everyone and always in my thoughts n prayers! Big love shout out to you all!!

Peace,
Juju

Raven1-
I can identify with your post! However, I am the oldest of 3. I have been caring for mom for just over two years now, without assistance from two siblings that both live within 10 miles of here. They called APS on me. The day they showed up on the doorstep, I was preparing to get mom's hubby in the shower, mom was at her day program. I told the investigator he was welcome to go chat with my mom and the address of the center. At the time, I thought the nerve of the sis's to allege physical abuse, financial exploitation never even occurred to me because there absolutely has not been any and sis's know it. However, that is what the allegations are. ABSURD, VINDICTIVE, and out and out HATEFUL. APS closed the case. Then sisters tried to start another investigation of financial exploitation and were told by the investigator that there is absolutely no basis for the allegations and refused to investigate. They were also told that this mess is going to have to be settled in court. So that is where we are now. And it becomes uglier by the day. The sis with POA's is completely unreasonable so I have petitioned for third party involvement/assistance in the form of a guardian and conservator. It is really a shame to have to spend money in this way, but there is no way around it.

raven ((((((((((hugs))))))))) I agree with cmag -sounds like she has a PD. - certainly is mentally ill. Horrible situation! Is there anyway to physically separate so you don't live with he, even if it takes making some drastic changes?
sharyn I am so sorry about your son. I remember you writing about him and dil before. I know how it feels, Thankfully the dil I was estranged from has come around and is an amazing support now and we are friends. Miracles can happen!
cmag - hope things have settled down with your mum and she will be able to under the procedure now. I know your wife has surgery upcoming too - they do keep you busy!
take care all - and do something good for you today especially you today, raven
love and hugs Joan

Raven1, your sister sounds like she has an undiagnosed personality disorder with probably no probability of ever seeking help for it. Earlier in this thread, emjo shared about 'detachment' which you might find helpful. Why is your sister living at home? You mention that you are the middle child. Where is the youngest sibling in this dysfunctional drama? Hugs, love and prayers for you in dealing with such a dysfunctional sister.

Raven1~Wow, what a difficult situation you are living! My heart goes out to you.Just so I can get a better idea of what is going here, who owns the house you are all living in or who carries the lease? You have DPOA for medical and financial. Are you ready to have your sister evicted if the house belongs to you or your mother? There are steps you can take to accomplish that if you are ready. Let us know where you are at with all this and what you are willing to do. Hugs to you!!

Juju~I wish I could say that my son is coming for sure but I can't. He was going to come here at Christmas last year, then backed out, then he was going to come for our wedding anniversary and backed out. The last time I visited with him was in May of last year. I would have gone to see him when I had a week off in April but because things were coming to a head with mom living alone and the decisions we had to make for her safety, I wasn't able to go. He and dil have a really cute 1 bedroom apartment in SoCal. It is perfect for the 2 of them. When I visit, I stay at a hotel. Part of the reason I don't stay with them also is because I do not feel comfortable with my dil. Dil drew a line between us from the beginning due to religion. Her mother made unfounded accusations against us. BTW, dil's mother lives next door to them. When I visited a year ago, dil did cook dinner for me which was not expected, but she kept a distance and would not go out with me and son. I bought breakfast for the both of them while I was there which was not a problem. She basically left the majority of the time for me and my son, again that was fine. She really wants no relationship with us and while I am fine with that, I am concerned when/if they have children that she and her mother will not allow us a relationship with them as well. It will be more difficult because my son is converting to her religion which is very different in that they do not celebrate birthdays, Christmas,etc. I accept that part, what I can't accept is that they do not acknowledge us at all throughout the year except when they need a hand out, then my son will tell us, "I love you guys". Even if they/he sent a thinking of you card a couple times a year would be appreciated but we don't even get that. As you can see, there is some issues here between us. I hope and pray he does come, however, when he first told me they were coming...it was because of a friend of his wife's is getting married. So again, it is not a case of them coming to actually spend time with us. When it is important enough for his wife to come up here they seem to have the money to do it, but not when my son is coming to see us. I am not holding my breath on this visit. As far as my arm, I am still having problems, like you, I can't take the MR 4 times a day and work plus take care of everything else. I do think it is more in my wrist because the other night I was having spasms in my lower forearm. I don't have the tingling in my shoulder and arm as often. If my insurance would cover a chiropractor I would go. I hope your mom is doing better in regards to having pain, and I hope you get some down time to relax a little. Hugs!!

Joan~Sorry you are having to deal with mom again. Unfortunately it is going to continue until a dr. diagnoses her as incapacitated in some way. I hope you are feeling better and a pamper me day sounds wonderful. I am doing good now, just a couple of weepy days!! The chocolate was great and helped so very much, thanks again!! Hugs!!

I use to hear the phrase "dysfunctional family" and think, "Boy am I glad that isn't us!" I have to laugh or I would cry to realize that we do live in a dysfunctional family situation. We were the all American Christian Family who was in church every time the doors were open, we were only allowed to associate with church friends, we did not smoke, drink or use profanity. My parents were married for 60 years and my father died with my mother standing beside him in the hospital where she stayed 24 hours a day.

My entire life has been difficult as the middle child. My older sister never got over the fact that I was born and vowed to hate me until the day I die, yet she is 6 years older than I. To say that she lives to make my like hell is an understatement. I became caregiver because I was ill and on disability myself, therefore I was thrown into this job because "I was the one at home, without a job." So I am now on my 4th relative that I am caring for, my Mom. I take care of everything and receive no help or monetary compensation. A couple of years ago I did take Mom to an attorney and seek her DPOA......This did not endear me to my older sister who tried to stop it. She makes false accusations against me and uses character assignation consistently. She has filed a completely false report against me with APS saying that I abused her during an argument and bruised and scratched her arms. They came to my house to interview me and I was in shock and livid. The one thing my sister forgot was that my 16 year old niece was sitting a few feet away and saw the entire thing and swears as I do, that I NEVER did it! She made the same accusations the year before and also screamed that my mother and I were holding her hostage! This year she says I grabbed and injured her granddaughter, bruising her arms and leaving welts. I told her she was a liar and had her granddaughter show me her arms, they were perfect, no bruises, no cuts, no welts, just lily white perfect arms. This happens because she does not want me to take a vacation and leave her in charge. I truly believe she is mentally ill at this point. She has told off her doctors and Administration at the HMO she belongs to and they sent her to an in house Psychiatrist as they believe she is not playing with a full deck. She has also alienated her own 2 children.

All this makes my care giving 100% harder because I have a person who wants to do me harm or have me thrown in jail and is willing to tell lies to make it happen and she lives in the house with my mother and I and my daughter. Everything I do is watched and scrutinized and I am sure notes are taken in case she can find anything to lodge a complaint against me with.

So yes we are dysfunctional and I know right where it sleeps.

Can't comment much, as I can't read too much as my eyes are bad tonight, but gotta vent a little -

My mother called and said she has stopped her meds I have had numerous calls, but did not answer after the first few. To begin with my sis called her and she hung up on my sis - so I called her and she hung up on me then she called me back with the litany of woes and "You don't know what goes on here as you are seldom here" yada, yada, yada. I told her I had a bank statement showing that she has not had any money stolen, but she does not believe me and still wants to call the cops even though she has the same bank statement. Just straight nuttiness, The latest voice mail message is that she wants me to know that due to her age she is not entitled to be under the care of a doctor. This is a new one. She was working the FOG big time, but it rolls off my back now.

Things will only get worse. She admitted that she refused her meds in the hospital sometimes. She asked my sis to come over from Scotland or send her daughter over to "sort things out", This is a straight bid for attention. Sis said no. Years ago after she caused a summer from h*ll, she wanted me to not go to my last year of university but to come home and sort some things out. No, thank you!

All the issues she had this summer are sorted out except the ones that originate in her head and those will not be sorted out as long as she refuses to take her meds.

Aaaaargh! Oh well. If there are any episodes following her going off her meds - which is pretty well inevitable - I am not spending the time or money to go down there. I have my own things here that need to be "sorted out".

Margeaux sorry about your experience at the hospital with your hubby;, and yours too cmag with your mum
juju -hang in there -you are doing so well, hope mum is feeling better
more chocolate tonight, sharyn?
alison - good to hear you are doing well. Even as we recover we still get sucked into the sick games at times - it is called being human
Karen (sad1) mother always wants to move -I am ignoring those statements or changing the subject
everyone - have a good night - got an infection inn my eyes, the gut has flared up, my sis has a rash - too much stress no doubt! Think it will have to be a pamper me day tomorrow Hugs and love Joan

Sharyn_ I am so glad you will have your son visiting soon and get to visit daughter next month...that must be hard having your children far away!
wish it was human nature to stay in the pack/territory for life (like some animals lol) but ya that must be so hard and when the grandkids are involved even harder...my friends do a lot of skyping with their loved ones...do you have that? not the same but helps a little i guess. How is your arm and numbness going i have had bouts of mine returning since this house n ankle issue...it crazy i forget i have some stuff Xanax and muscle relaxer, can take but MR is only at night but does help and Xanax does bring a calm over me but i don't think of it only when i was way back having serious anxiety attacks but this low level day long stress just is the norm now so i don't even think of it, maybe i should!
well thunder and lightning strikes (14,000 one news post said) everywhere and flash flood warning for the river in my town...need to go find some info on that and if more fires are started it was a nasty storm last nite and now again early was pretty calm n clear!
Peace,
Juju

Well the link was removed from my post
"this is why I do what I do"
but you can find the story at CBS evening news website...a study on nursing homes quality rating and abuse in them!!
It is why I keep mom at home with me..it is why I do what I do..horrific treatment of those who cannot speak up or fend for themselves!

Hmm. I wish I had more encouraging words, Margeaux, but my father recently went through a similar situation where, after being under anesthesia, he had to have a catheter inserted. After months of Urology appointments, my father now has a catheter permanently. BUT... my father's doctors told me that his bladder showed signs of scarring, and that indicated my father had not been urinating normally for YEARS. So I wish you and hubby, especially, all the best as he recovers from this.

Cmag, I can definitely empathize with feeling like medical people are failing in their basic duties, and just creating so much more crisis put upon our shoulders than necessary.

Emjo, you've mentioned a couple of times how much good that long walking did you when you were visiting your mom's city. I've found similar things - that by doing some pretty grueling yard work, it just takes out all of my frustrations, lol! Sometimes its hard for me to do the yard work without a little bit of resentment popping up... after all, its my father's house I'm slaving on while he is in his bed watching endless tv and playing solitaire... but I have learned to just keep going and soon enough I get the fulfillment of getting the work done, and I'm fairly stress free at that point! ;D

My father got hateful with me the other day and I didn't respond well. I yanked his curtains off the wall on the way out of his room and felt lousy about it the rest of the day. I do think I'm getting better at dealing with him. But he "got me" by responding to my trying to help him by hollering at me to get the F out or I would get hurt. Ugh. It just made me so mad that this old man that I slave so hard for can just pop off at me like that. I clean his clothes, change his sheets, buy his food, do EVERYTHING so that he can just sit around in bed, all day every day, and do as he pleases. And he wants to treat me like dirt sometimes. It gets to be too much. I'm taking him to a new geriatrician next week, with the goal of getting a full assessment, including psych, from a new PCP. My father DID seem remorseful about the incident. He folded up the curtains and laid them where I could see them when I walk by his room. It was almost his way of saying he was sorry? I don't know, but I interpreted this way and we quickly have gotten past the incident.

I appreciate this about my dad - that we can both move on quickly past an argument now. This is NOT the case for my mother and my older brother. More and more as I am aware of PDs and what that is about, I notice similarities between my mom and older bro, and I notice how little my interaction with them has to do with anything I'm saying or doing. Example: my older bro was here yesterday to visit my dad. My bro brought up some argumentative issues that I, personally, find its best to just not discuss. But for some reason, bro wanted to discuss. So I tried. And I realized fairly quickly that No Matter What I Said, my bro would argue it. Anything!!! I tried to point this out to him, told him I thought that what we were doing (arguing) was unproductive, and I walked out the back door of the house and went and did yard work. And bro dropped the issues and we were able to have a decent visit after that. I think bro is just still entrenched into patterns of the past, and it will take a bit of detached leading on my part to show him there is another way. I'm ok with that. I'm up to the challenge. I'm optimistic older bro will "get it," at least to the point of not wanting to engage in pointless arguing with me, while I do not believe my mother ever will get it.

So... that's where everything is at right now. I'm able to observe patterns of behavior in a detached way now... its not easy, but I think I'm getting more used to it... and if I can just see the behavior for what it is (old Dys Family patterns, been around as long as I have, lol!), then I can begin to just shut down that old way of things spinning out of control, before they actually get there. Make sense? And it just feels so good to believe that there IS something I can do besides just AVOID family at all costs, lol, like I've kind of done for some years now.

Hope everyone is having a good day! Love you guys, and am very grateful for your words, your encouragement, your being willing to share your personal experiences. (((HUGS)))

Margeaux~My FIL had an out patient procedure done a few weeks ago to remove a benign tumor from the parathyroid. He was sent home but he could not pee. He went to his dr. the next day and a catheter was inserted. A couple days later the dr. removed it. He still couldn't pee and he was admitted back into the hospital for about 3 days. By this time he had an infection. I read, it is a common problem for men due to the anesthesia. If this is the case, they definitely need to do something to counter this reaction. Your poor hubby and you!! Hang in there and sending positive thoughts to you!!

This is horrific and why I do what I do!!!

Margueax we crossed posts but your whole ordeal is just typical sorry to say...I am so sorry you and hubby had to go thru that but seems like it is the norm!! Medical proffesionals are so scary to me now due the errors and misinformation I have come across in the last 6 mos although it infuriates me it does not surprise me...I will never find it acceptable but i will find it as the norm.

I hope all else goes well and he is recovering comfortably! Blessings to you both and in our thoughts n prayers!!
Peace,
Juju

Good morning all, thank goodness it is Saturday, and the phone is not blowing up, yet!
Well I guess I had a bit of a meltdown yesterday all around. I am just furious about this issue with my mom...I just don't understand why properly diagnosing the problem is such a difficult chore...
The experts down south said she could have had an MRI as only reason not to is if hardware is in head or one other place I forgot but did not apply to her and that the whole time I was told it her knee and it is her ankle...I explained her leg hurts and I cant even touch her foot or move her without crying out...the knee was swollen Friday and no bruising but by Monday has appeared and and all in ankle calf region....I have had 3 appts and no firm diagnosis...just hop her up on pain meds and ice...well we did not ice right area for first week will this be of damage and how long is icing effective..doesn't seem to do much. I cant keep her on her side with this pain she wants to fidget n lay flat her sores on butt are inflamed now between this and daycamp leaving her wet for god knows how long..... I focused on some promotion for my ALZ walk yesterday to try to do something positive and that was heartbreaking again...got tons of likes and several supportive comments but did not get one pledge!!! "https://act.alz.org/site/Donation2?idb=4864333&df_id=16186&FR_ID=3848&PROXY_ID=6727984&PROXY_TYPE=20&16186.donation=form1&JServSessionIdr004=28xtipufo1.app206b&s_subsrc=bfgetwordout&s_src=boundlessfundraising" It may get deleted like a lot of links Ive noticed but if above is still there please do what you can to help Alz Org fight this crappy disease! I donated a lot last year and spent a lot to stay in hotel and drive to n fro then only got $10 in pledges...so this year It is our nearest city whew no hotel n gas...but I am starting small and if I get some other pledges where I can make a decent showing I will add more....It just blows me away how little people care about these types of things...when my friends post and need support or votes to win band contest I am right on it! I have donated to so many things or supported so many people...that is kinda what I was talking about earlier post...I give n give and get crickets when I am in need! Least my BFF called to ask bout this and date so she can try to make it up to walk with us, we were alone last year in a strange town, felt odd..and not a whole lot of participants were friendly which surprised me...
And I mentioned I don't make friends easily but what I meant is I don't make lasting true friends easily, I am fairly outgoing and love to smile and chat and do make efforts to be kind and friendly to who I come in contact with I just don't seem to be able to forge close freindships and a lot is due to most others have family: spouse, siblings and kids and other freindships...that is what I don't have I don't have any family (but distant cousins east and south that have not been in contact since late teens and bro's that are estranged and 8hrs away) so maybe I am too needy or dependent on friends to fill the family void, but I have always treated my friends like family so I had expected the same and not as I said before I try not to expect anything but I guess I need that support so want it" very confusing statement...my disappointment is that I don't have the family I guess I am trying to say and I don't have any children, I have wanted children so bad till the last couple years when It became obvious that it isn't going to happen...so much experiences I have not had in raising a family ....mom is my lil baby now but I am not raising here I am caring her out of here!!! I do feel so dysfunctional tho that I have no one to count on for support...god If I get a cold or flu or anything how we are now mom will have to be institutionalized and will really mess up everything and yet I have no faith that they would care any better for her....reminds me other night on CBS Nat news was a segment on nursing care and quality...there were some horrific nanny cam clips etc patients being thrown into bed and slapped and hit for resisting or fidgeting OMG did nothing to help me in my dilemma of thinking is it time for me to give up, between that and simple day camp blunder this week I cannot it is not going to happen. I will have to bring someone in home somehow so I can monitor treatment. I will google cbs story to get info on an agency to help with nursing home treatment issues that was mentioned and this study is just horrific on the issues n incidents

ok enuf rambling just have a good day and hit up my ALZ WALK SITE if you can

"https://act.alz.org/site/Donation2?idb=4864333&df_id=16186&FR_ID=3848&PROXY_ID=6727984&PROXY_TYPE=20&16186.donation=form1&JServSessionIdr004=28xtipufo1.app206b&s_subsrc=bfgetwordout&s_src=boundlessfundraising"

I know I did it twice but that how important it is to me!!

Sharyn: I crawled in momma's bed this morn since it a king and snuggled her! SHe said so sweetly "awe this is nice" burned in my memory and tears rolling as I type this...the little things!!!

Cmag: glad you got there in time and it does not surprise me, they did not contact you....

Have a great day and hang in there....
Peace,
Juju

I had one heck of day w/my husband's procedure!

We had to arrive at the outpatient clinic at 10:30 a.m.
So my husband was escorted into the pre-op area, and I was told to wait in the lobby, they would come for me later. Well, when later came....I went in, and by now my husband had his hair in a hair net. There must have been about six nurses around him and the doctor. The doctor was discussing last minute details, and really was almost at the end of the conversation. I didn't like this, would have liked to have been there when it started. So now one nurse was setting up the connection for an IV. I kept my nerves and emotions under control, and wished my husband well. You know how they say in theatre....break a leg, break a wing....I told my husband, "Mend a wing!" Then I went back out to the lobby.
But I did go outside finally and cried.

Just this last week was really stressful, since we had gone out of town for work, then my husband was trying as usual, to squeeze as much vacation time in.
I must admit, I was trying my hardest to feign having a good time, but truth be told, w/the impending surgery and a ton of things to prep for all of this I just wanted to be home. When we did finally arrive home, it was non-stop doing this, that and the other. So I've been running on empty also.

About an 1.45 mins. later, the doctor came out and said everything had gone well, I could go in to see my husband. He was groggy, but managed to smile, and joke w/the nurse. The attending nurse now, was so wonderful! Well, now we had to wait for him to pass urine, which apparently is something that needs to be done before releasing a patient for Inguinal Hernia. It was about 1:00, now.
We spent the next several hours waiting, my husband trying w/no success.
Now if this doesn't happen, now we were being told that they'd send him home w/a catheter. More hours past, and now this nurse was almost off her work clock. It was Friday, so I'm getting concerned, tired and hadn't had any substantial food.

The new shift nurse presents herself. She basically told my husband that he had to pee, his bladder was full according to a monitor. It was now 6:00 p.m.,
much of the staff and patients were gone. We were the only ones there w/two nurses. My poor husband made several more attempts. Finally the two nurses started to try to insert the catheter, w/no success. This nurse asked me whether he'd had any Prostate issues, which he does not have. The two nurses started to refer to two different catheters by size. Like that wasn't bad enough for me to be hearing, then they referred to one being stiff. Oh boy! I could hear my husband saying to the nurse, "Did you say stiff?" Can't they call them by letters?

Finally the in charge nurse called the back up doctor. Husband's doctor of course unavailable. It is the weekend, you know. This outpatient clinic is associated to a hospital, nearby. A urologist showed up. He inserted the catheter w/no problem.

We didn't leave the clinic until 8:30 p.m.
What I gathered from this experience is the fact that at least w/us, no one told my husband about this aspect of the procedure regarding the ability to urinate, nor the catheter. It would have been nice to know this.

The other thing was the fact, that Idk....given it was a Friday, I'm wondering why they would have people not fully trained to address a situation as such.
As this was evolving, I had my heart in my stomach. But finally we came home.

Poor thing....as we were settling down at home, he wanted to sleep on the couch, w/this gear he has. He said to me, "I didn't think this is what this was going to be,"
blah di blah. I think my husband thinks as I'm sure many people do....the fact that he had the Laparoscopic one, that it was going to be a walk in the park, or something! He did read about it, and friends who've gone through other hernia surgeries did tell him that he'd be uncomfortable at first, sometimes longer.
But I can see why patients think this way. The doctor's selling points on these surgeries always seem to make it sound simplistic.

Anyway, I'm up early, finally slept better. I got up to give him his meds for pain.
Then decided I needed to come here and talk about it.

Thank you to everyone, who wished me well, and blessings. We sure needed it!
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Cmag~A little lack of communication...that is frustrating. I am glad the blood work was normal. I hope your visit is relaxing and enjoyable!!

Juju~Thanks for sharing the tips!!! We can all use the info. Yes, the image of this little dog running to my mom is burned in my memory and heart. Some day I will share it with my sister.

Margeaux~How did the surgery go? I you and hubby are well and he is recovering as instructed. Give us an update when you can. Hugs!!